A Wayward God

By Natasha Weber

Copyright 2015 Natasha Weber

           

            I am a child. My eyes rotate around my own person until I see my own teary eyes, and then I close my eyes. When my eyes open, I see a vibrant pink butterfly in my black and white world. I am compelled to chase this butterfly to the ends of the world. I chase it for so long that my feet get tired and I must stop. It always escapes. I can’t let it go though. I chase it every time I dream.

           

            I always wondered what that dream meant. The only thing I really knew was that I dreamt it every night. I had many demons, but something about that dream in particular never let me go. Perhaps the dream was not about demons, but instead a premonition. Someday, I knew the butterfly would have to lead somewhere. Otherwise, why would I dream about it so often?

            Whatever the case, I arose from the cloud I had tucked myself into and hopped to my feet. I used my powers to zap some clothes on myself as I didn’t like sleeping with clothes on. The clothes were mostly for the benefit of courtesy among the Gods; and because wearing clothes was a sign of intelligence. We were civilized after all, not animals.

  After dressing, I walked across the clouds to begin my job. The clouds, or The Above as it was called by mortals and Gods alike, were where every God lived. The Above stretched as far as the eye could see, and depending on your occupation or importance, you lived on certain colors of clouds.

 I followed the purple clouds until they gradually became red. When that happened, I saw the building I needed to enter. It only appeared for me. It was a simple structure, basically just two pillars upon a solid block holding up a roof; the pillars were attached to cement floor, and in the middle of the structure, was a circular indent that held my pool of water. I sat in front of it cross-legged. I closed my other two eyes, but left my yellow one open.

            Today, I must judge as Justice. He blinked his yellow eye until a drop of blood fell into the pool of water. In the water was a man named Moritz. He was a cruel man, and the other day he had killed another man’s child. Justice briskly dictated that he must die, and he took out a pen and parchment from the air, wrote down the name and the reason Moritz must die, and snapped it to appear in Death’s room to confirm. Death got to choose the way he died, which I was thankful for, but Justice didn’t care.

After Moritz was a sweet girl who had done nothing wrong, but her father killed her pet because they could no longer afford to keep it. Despicable. For this, Justice dictated that the man come down with a horrible two-week cold from which he would barely recover from. He would see the error of his ways.

            After that it was an easy one; a person who hadn’t done anything wrong, and had not been wronged by others. Justice breezed past him without a second thought.

            I liked life as Justice. He processed things almost mechanically, without a second thought. I never liked being Joshua. I could never make decisions as him, and I barely ever got work done as him. Joshua would not judge fairly. Joshua was a biased creature, consumed by emotion.

            I spent my whole day judging, and then I went to sleep.

            Two weeks later, as Vengeance, I repeated the same ritual as with Justice. I closed all of my eyes but my green one, let a drop of blood fall from that eye, and began to judge.

            Vengeance judged differently than Justice did.

            For instance, concerning the man Moritz and how he had killed another man’s child: where Justice killed Jehts, Vengeance would have killed Moritz’ child; because above all, Vengeance valued an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.

            I didn’t like being Vengeance quite as much as I liked being Justice because I considered Justice the better way of judging mortals; but not every God agreed with me, which was why Vengeance was needed. He was also needed because good people needed to die as well as bad people for there to be balance in the world. Not that I could get rid of Vengeance anyway, as he was a part of me as much as any other of my personalities. Whatever the case, I still preferred being Vengeance as opposed to Joshua.

            Looking down on mortals and the horrible things they did was hard for Joshua, and sometimes he wanted to judge them all in the worst way possible, even by killing everyone involved in a criminal act. It was that rage that frightened me.

            Vengeance was the toughest of my personalities; he was generally unforgiving about his decisions. He much preferred a guilty person than an innocent one, to say the least. It was his no nonsense attitude that made me like being him. I could stand up for myself as him, even though as Justice and Vengeance I could not talk. They were the strong, silent types.

 

            And two weeks later, I was Joshua again. With all three of my eyes open, including the red one on my forehead, I cried three red drops of blood into the pool. The first person to judge was a child who had accidentally killed his brother. They were playing near shallow water, but his brother was getting on his nerves, so he pushed him and his brother cracked his head open on the rocks in the water.

            Already, I didn’t know what to do. I found anger creeping up on me along with panic and confusion. Vengeance would kill the other brother; Justice would probably find a way to send him to jail. I on the other hand… I waved my hand over the pool of water.

            Next on the list was a girl named Heidi… Heidi was a girl born twenty-five years ago, and I had always watched her from above and admired her. She was one of the few mortals I enjoyed watching.

 

            As usual, when I was Joshua, I found I just couldn’t do much judging, even though it meant I would fall far behind on my list. Instead, I pulled myself to my feet and walked across the red clouds until they gradually became black, and the sky became stormy and windy. I was moving so fast I accidentally ran into my brother, Death.

            At first I smiled, as it was the polite thing to do. But, we’d been distant for years, and he didn’t smile back. I made many mistakes in my lifetime, and he helped me to understand that they were wrong. I don't know what happened to us. My brother rarely said anything, but he had gone from speaking to me somewhat often to purposefully distancing himself from me. There was also a subtle change in body posture that I noticed that told me he was different. He looked upon the mortals far more often than I did, even when he didn't need to. I found that strange as he didn't have Justice and Vengeance to protect him from the terrible things in the world like I did.

I knew I had lost him for sure when he told me to sign the death warrant of someone who had done no wrong and who wouldn’t be on my list for judgment for a few weeks. From then on, he seemed to like making mischief more than he liked doing his job. Perhaps he had lost his mind, perhaps he was disgusted by mortals… or perhaps he was simply bored. The cruel mortal woman he was infatuated with wasn’t helping either; she fed his cruel desires and caused only misery to others. Regardless, my life became that much harder without him.

            I looked up at my brother, who was a whole foot taller than me, and that was saying something since all Gods were about ten feet tall. I wanted to ask him why he hadn’t spoken to me in so long, and why he had become so cruel lately, but he made me nervous of late.

            We Gods rarely changed expressions, and were all very withholding where emotions were concerned. It was for the best, of course, but it made confrontations like this all the more difficult.

            I hung my head, not able to meet his eyes. My brother had what I liked to call ‘dead eyes’, which was exactly what it sounded like. They were lifeless, void of emotion, and so creepy you could fall into them if you stared at them long enough.

            I stepped around him without a word, hunched over and depressed.

            …Joshua, Death’s voice came through clearly in my head, you are pathetic. You have nearly stopped judging as yourself entirely.

            “I can’t help it, Mr. Smalls…” That was the mortal name he chose to go by. Mine was Joshua. Why he chose such a funny name was a mystery to me, but that’s what he chose. “I just don’t want to, well…” I trailed off.

            You don’t want a repeat of what happened before. But if you don’t even have a use for this personality of yours, you may as well be rid of it…

            I felt a little sad that he didn’t even care enough for me now to want me to keep the only personality that could be considered a real person.

            “I see…” was all I said. I kept on my way.

 

            A year later, Heidi was still the kind mortal I knew her to be. I watched her often as Joshua. She was an interesting mortal.

 But this paticular time, I didn’t like watching her so much. First, I had to watch her father smack her in the face, and in return she shoved him angrily and ran to another room in their house.

            I didn’t like her father, I decided. I watched him for a bit. After a moment, he left the house and met with a man out in the woods. The man had brought his daughter, and appeared to owe Heidi’s dad money. Heidi’s dad demanded the money, and when the other didn’t get it out, he pulled out a knife and threatened the man.

            I watched with increased interest. The man who owed him money threw up his hands and promised he would get the money somehow. But that wasn’t good enough.

            Heidi’s father grabbed the man’s child, putting a knife to her throat. The child’s father took out every gold, silver, and bronze piece he had and put it down in front of him.

            Heidi’s father moved forward to grab it, moving the girl with him when—

            My eyes widened and my heart was seized with worry—which was an alien feeling to me of late, and I didn’t like it—Heidi’s father had slipped on mud in front of him, taking the girl down with him and accidentally slitting her throat.

            I waved a hand hurriedly across the water and the image was gone.

            I was horrified. I checked my list and was even more horrified to learn that as Vengeance, two days later, I would have to judge Heidi’s father and I would have to kill her.

            But I couldn’t. Heidi was too interesting to kill… I would have to cheat and judge her as Joshua. The problem was, if I got caught, I would be stripped of my powers and forced to live among mortals for at least a year.

            That would be unacceptable.

 

            That night, while I was crawling into my cloud, I saw Death’s giant shadow cast over my head.

            I’ve noticed you looking at that girl… He said.

            I wasn’t worried. “Is that a crime? After all, you’re the one who actually goes down to earth and sees one,” I said sarcastically. We Gods looked down upon each other when one of us actually went among humans, let alone had romantic relations with them.

            If you fall in love with her, you may have to kill her someday…

            “The mortal is interesting. Little more.” I said simply, holding my ground.

            So you wouldn’t care if she died?

            “Go away,” I said.

            I looked behind me, but he was gone.

            I sighed. I missed him… I missed him a lot. I looked into the distance and reflections of the past danced in my mind. It was hard not to dwell, being so old…

 

            Two days later, I looked both ways before looking into my pool of water as Joshua. I skipped right to Heidi’s father, and rather than signing her death warrant, I signed her father’s death warrant instead, and then I let Vengeance take over afterwards.

I felt ashamed and guilty, and needed to take my mind off of how I cheated. So I walked across the clouds until I arrived at the beautiful white clouds, where the sky was blue and the weather was so nice that I wanted to live there rather than at my own cloud.

            “Hello Justice,” I turned around. That was Fate; a rather young God. Fate was a new concept, and so she was only born recently. Well, recently concerning Gods, that is.

            Fate had red bushy hair, and she always seemed to be in a good mood, which made sense since his job was not as crushing as mine was. Her job was merely to decide the general course a mortal’s life took. Not every mortal, just the ones she chose to make an impact.

            I did a slight bow, as she was very well-respected among us Gods. “Fate,”

            “Do you need something…?”

            I was distracted, and didn’t answer.

            She leaned forwards a bit “You seem distracted. Are you okay?”

            I sighed and sat down on the clouds. “I don’t know… I feel… sad? I guess…”

            She sat down next to me. “Why’s that?”

            I sat down, clasped my hands on my knees and looked up at the other clouds passing gently by. “My brother hates me.”

            “Death…? I thought you two were close.” She said, surprised.

            “We were… I am—lonely—I don’t think Gods should be lonely.” I shrugged.

            “Everyone gets lonely, even Gods. We have many gatherings that you simply don’t come to.”

            “I don’t think I would really… fit in there…” I shrugged again.

            “I do. And I don’t think it’s fair that the older Gods judge you by a mistake made years ago,” she said with a smile.

            “You weren’t there…” I said quietly.

            “Even so, you ought to come. Let by-gones be by-gones, hm? You should come to Sun’s Day. Join me tomorrow when the sky turns purple?” Before I could rebuff her suggestion, she clapped me on the back and got to her feet again, walking off.

            I was envious of her happiness. Gods should not be envious.

 

            As I crawled into my cloud that night, I debated going to Sun’s Day. I was anti-social for many reasons. The first was that I didn’t like being suffocated and over-stimulated by too much company; the second was, I just didn’t think I fit in with those other Gods. They all knew exactly who they were and what they were supposed to feel like. It was different for me. I didn’t feel comfortable around anyone but my brother, well, except for recently of course.

            I supposed I may as well go, after I finished my judging for the day, anyway. I wanted to convince Death to come with me but—I closed my eyes sadly-- things would never be the same between us.

 

            The next day I was feeling slightly more upbeat after a good night’s rest, and I got right back to my job. Part of me was always worried I might get stuck as one of my other personalities while going to a gathering. Once I had gotten stuck as Vengeance for a month when he wouldn’t close his eye and let me open mine. Weather, one of the oldest Gods, had to lock me up until I finally got my regular personality back. I had been judging and killing far too many people as Vengeance. Or rather, my brother was killing them and I was signing their death warrants.

            I sat in front of the pool of water and did my job as Vengeance. When the sky turned purple, Vengeance was good and closed his eye, and then opened all three so I could be Joshua again.

            I headed over to Fate’s white clouds and she greeted me. “This way,” she said. I followed her until we came to the Sun’s Day festival where I saw the most Gods I’d ever seen in one place. They were down in a circular indent in the clouds, and were sitting in a circle with Weather in the middle. Fate and I joined the circle, and I was surprised when Death suddenly appeared came and sat down next to me. I smiled. Maybe he’d had a change of heart.

            Weather was about to say something when Death raised his hand.

            “Yes Death? You’ve something to say?”

            My brother nodded his dark head. Weather motioned him to stand in the middle of the circle, and then my brother said something that shocked me.

            “I regret to inform you,” he began, “that a God here has broken the law.”

            There was no gasping like there would be among a human crowd. The Gods were completely serious and silent.

            “And that God is Justice,” he pointed at me.

            They all looked at me, and I was confused. I knew I’d broken the law, but how did he know…? He must have been spying on me. But why?

            “He spared a girl’s life when he was meant to kill her.” He stated.

            Weather raised an eyebrow. “These are serious accusations, Death. Where’s your proof?”

            Death took out the warrant I had signed earlier.

            Weather snapped and the paper appeared in his hand. “I see…” He took out another piece of paper that he himself had written long ago. “It says here that you were supposed to be Vengeance that day. According to the situation, you should have killed the girl.”

            Weather looked at me sternly, and then after a moment he looked down at his feet with regret.

            “Joshua,” Weather used my name, “do you know what this entails? Especially concerning your past mistakes?”

            “Yes. I shall be banished for a year to the human realm.” We Gods didn’t display much, but on the inside, I was devastated. To live amongst those hated mortals for a year was unthinkable.

            “I am very sorry, Joshua. I hope you shall survive for the year you’re there, and your experience will not drive you mad like many Gods before you.” He walked up to me.

            I closed all three of my eyes. “No, I’m sorry. I’ve failed you all again.”

            Weather touched my forehead and whispered my Truename. “Yeshua,”

            A light flashed in my mind, and then I blacked out.

 

            Someone shook me rigorously. “Hey. Are you okay?”

            I opened all three of my eyes. It was dark out, and it was the human girl, Heidi, whose life I had saved. Why the Gods would send me close to the girl I’d saved confused me as I sat up and rubbed my head. There was a crater all around me, almost as if something had exploded. Most likely I had struck the ground as a lightning bolt, and destroyed the green grass all around. I looked about. Like I’d seen in my pool of water, her village was a nice place; so green and quaint with tiny houses and thatched roofs that it was impossible not to love it. Yet I couldn’t enjoy it because I was still upset about what happened. And, feeling huffy, I sighed.

To go among mortals for a year… shameful.

            The girl laughed, though there was a great deal of confusion in her voice. “What are you huffing about? Did you just fall asleep here or something?”

            I noticed she was careful to avoid looking at my third eye, as if it were a deformity. “Don’t address me in such a way, mortal,” I said expressionlessly.

            “What’s your problem?” She asked, looking miffed. She gave me a hand.

            I got to my feet. Although Heidi was a girl of twenty-five, she only reached five feet, and when she saw that I was ten feet tall, her eyes lit up, wishing she were that tall. Like all humans, she had a jewel embedded in her forehead to protect her from the poisonous vapors that covered the world. The jewel emitted a shield of light about her body in a circular fashion.

            “I don’t hail from a foreign kingdom. I hail from The Above,” I explained, looking at the girl I had sacrificed my comfort for. She would never be beautiful by human standards, but she had a spark of life to her that was infectious, and she certainly was cute as a button, as the mortals said. She was plump with raven-black hair, and she liked wearing dresses over the overalls that her father tried to make her wear. She was filthy; her father never let her take too many baths. She had suffered much, I knew, and despite all that, she still couldn’t stop smiling. The last thing I expected was to smile back.

            She giggled again and suddenly looked directly at my third eye. “What are you?”

            “I’m the God of Justice.” I said simply.

            “Very funny. Alright, I’ll play along. Are you traveling, Mr. God?” She asked sarcastically.

            “Yes, and I’d like to spend my stay in your house, as I saved your life.”

            She raised an eyebrow. “You’ve got some delusions. What a line. I’m too smart to fall for that. If you love me, just say so, but don’t lie and say you’re a God.”

            I was confused by her bluntness for a moment. “I don’t love you. You didn’t deserve to die in my eyes, so I saved you.”

            “Alright, I’ll humor you. Tell me your story.”

            I told her everything, about Justice and Vengeance, and how I judged… everything. It wasn’t against the rules, after all. She seemed surprised that I happened to know how her father died, and everything concerning her life recently, but she simply dismissed it, thinking I must have heard about her circumstances from someone else.

 

            “Wow, you’re crazy… I suppose maybe your head just got hurt. You can stay the night.” She nodded. She grabbed my robe as we walked to her house and observed the fine fabric as she did so. “Wow… this is beautiful. Did you make this?”

            “No. Art did.” I answered.

            “Art, huh? Another God?” She snorted derisively.

            “Yes... you don’t believe me?” I looked at her, surprised.

            She opened the door to her house, and then gave me a look as if to say, ‘what do you think? Just look at me.’

            The house was a horrid mess. Her Father had left wine glasses everywhere, and there was dirt and all manner of items scattered around on the floor. Everything was dusty, there were cobwebs…. Just an absolute disgrace. It didn’t help that the house was only one large room. Heidi set me up a sleeping pallet. “Yeah, I know, I’m no princess. But you should count your blessings that I’m being so kind to you. Tomorrow, I’ll go ask the village elder what you are, and we can get to sending you back to where you came from.”

            I was ashamed and disgusted that a God should have to sleep in such conditions. It should not be this way… but I had nowhere else to go.

 

            I chased that butterfly through the bloodied landscape and past it. I met two other Gods in the dream, one a bit younger than me, and the other still a child yet. We ran together, but when it came to running with them as opposed to the butterfly, I would always pick the butterfly.

 

            “C’mon mister…” Heidi shook me awake.

            I awoke and climbed to my feet, bumping my head on her ceiling. I rubbed my head expressionlessly. I was confused. “That… hurt.” Gods did not feel physical pain, unless they were hurt very badly.

            “Yes? Oh yeah, you think you’re a God… well c’mon. I’ll take you to the village elder. She grabbed my hand and dragged me outside. It was an incredibly small village of about fifty people. I didn’t want to be around them a second longer, but I had to accept the folly of what I’d done, and that included living among them. The only house that looked different was reasonably ornate, and was the elder’s house. As Heidi took me there, all the humans in sight stared at me.

            She walked in first, and then I ducked and walked in after her. Once inside the safety of the house, Heidi’s jewel protecting her from the vapors turned off and the shield that had been protecting her body from the poison disappeared. The village Elder, a mousy, hunched old woman, dropped the plate she was holding. “Who is this, Heidi?”

            “His name’s Joshua. I found him yesterday. He doesn’t talk much… but I think he hit his head or something- he thinks he’s a God.” Heidi explained.

            The Elder took a moment to recover; the jewel in her forehead was especially large. “That is a very serious claim, Joshua. This could be blasphemous. Where are you from? The Emma Woods?” The Emma Woods was a place mortals had made up to scare one another and their children. A pocket in space, that phased in and out of reality, where demons supposedly came out of.

            “I am from The Above.” I said again. I would not lie about my divine heritage.

            “Tell me the truth or you will be in big trouble for posing as one of the Divine.”

            Heidi tugged on my robe. “Tell her the truth! You could be killed…” She whispered.

            I met the old woman’s gaze steadily and expressionlessly. This was why I hated mortals. Even when the thing they worship is right before their eyes, they still doubted, consumed with self-pity, selfishness, and doubt.

            The old woman sighed. “Have it your way. I suppose I’ll have you hanged.”

            Heidi raised a hand. “Wait… I’m sure he’s just hit his head. Please, let me look after him, and I’ll keep him out of trouble until he gets his head back.”

            The Elder looked at Heidi thoughtfully. It seemed as if a minute passed before she changed expressions. “If he steps one foot out of line… you both will be in trouble.”

            “Of course, Elder. I’ll keep watch over him.” We left the house. Going outside, the jewel in her forehead projected a protective circle around her once again.

            “Why…?” I asked.

            She shrugged. “Even though you’re crazy, you seem harmless, and since Daddy’s dead, I’m gonna need help on the farm. So you’re going to help me.”

            “I don’t know anything about farming…” I said.

            “Well, you can pull the weeds, and I’ll do the hard work. By the look of your perfect hands you haven’t lifted a finger in your life, but that’s just how it’s going to be.”

            Behind her house were rows of corn, grapevines, starfruits, and other such things that farmer’s grew. It was all dying though.

            Heidi sighed. “Nothing’s as green as it used to be… it’s all because of these vapors…” she looked crestfallen.

            Although the miasma had existed on the planet for thousands of years, sometimes the poison liked to change concentrations like the weather on any normal planet. The miasma concentration in this area would be comparable to a drought or even a dust bowl on an average world.

            She dug right into the work; she put on gloves and began picking what little produce she had. I simply watched her for a moment. She was a hard worker; the type of person who earned respect just for the sheer amount of work and suffering she’d been through since a young age. Human women were insulted for working, but Heidi didn’t care. Most women were married by the time they were eighteen, and Heidi wasn’t considered attractive enough by any of the men in the village to marry.

            Gods didn’t notice that type of thing as much.

            She looked up at me through tangled black hair. “Hey! Get to those weeds.”

            I found a weed. I stared at it for a moment; my hands lank at my side, not willing to bend down.

              Heidi laughed from out of eyesight. “You pick that weed or I’ll throw you back to the Elder!”

            I bent down from my high height and picked it with some trouble, and then I threw it into the bowl Heidi had brought out with her.

            She snorted. “Are you serious over there? Quit being such a baby.”

            I went on to the next weed, and slowly picked that one too.

            We were both done at sundown.

 

            I was not happy with my new job. My back was sore and my hands raw when we had finished. We sat outside together, she on a rock, and me on the grass.

            Heidi smiled brightly. “Hard work, huh? Makes you feel good, though…”

            “Heidi, I’m from The Above. Gods don’t lower themselves to do such menial tasks.”

            “Look, Joshua, as long as I’m housing you, I have to spend extra money to feed you. Considering that, I’m going easy on you. Especially since you keep telling me all these lies to get out of work. Even if you were a God, you don’t understand worth a damn what it’s like to walk in my shoes.” She went inside and started running her bath.

            That was true. But she had no idea what it was like to walk in mine, either.

            “Gods don’t eat…” I replied to her earlier statement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            “Joshua, if you don’t get up off your lazy…” Heidi breathed in. “You are such a selfish snot.”

            I said nothing. This work was beneath me, and beneath every God, of course. She was harvesting food still on the next day, and she wanted me to assist. I was sitting nearby on a rock, just watching her.

            She was angry. She looked away. “Forget it…” she continued on her own, her back turned to me. I stuffed my hands in my pockets.

            She was trying to pull up a particularly tough plant from the soil. She grabbed it by the root and positioned her foot on a nearby rock for leverage. Her foot slipped off the rock and she fell backwards.

            A little worried, I ran over to her and hefted her up.

            She pushed me away. “Dammit! This miasma is killing my plants! Why are we cursed with this poison…?”

            I grabbed her shoulders. “I’ll help you, Heidi,”

            “I’m not sure I want your help. Why don’t you just go and sit inside. You’re a God apparently, and it’s what Gods do.” She seemed less willing this morning to push me into doing my work in her despair. Such was the ever-changing way of human emotion. Another thing for a God to be annoyed about. She got to her feet and sighed. “I can barely afford to feed myself…”

            I watched her continue her work, and then I got to my feet. Without a word, I helped her, and she appreciated the peace and quiet.

           

            We worked until sundown, and I helped to get her crops and garden looking presentable. We kept some for her to eat, and the rest to sell or trade. My hands were worked raw, and I’d never been more grateful in my life for a simple sip of cold water, as I felt so dry I may as well have been a fish on land. Normally, Gods did not get hungry or thirsty; they ate or drank merely for pleasure. But with my powers stripped, I needed it. An unwelcome surprise.

            Heidi did most of the work, though. She didn’t like her father, I knew, but I knew she depended on him to help her do this hard work, which was why she was feeling hopeless. She always thought she was tough enough to do this work on her own, it wore her down when reality struck. Heidi worked a little longer than me, and when she was done, she sat down on a rather large rock at the back of her house. I sat down next to her. She looked lost in thought. “I feel tired all the time these days… Joshua, if you’re a God, answer me this… why does it seem like I was built just to suffer?”

            She had a green bruise on her arm from where her Father had punched her the other day before he’d died. I closed my eyes, feeling that old burning hatred boiling in my very bones. This girl deserved better than that. Whenever I’d looked at her from my pool in the clouds, she’d been nothing but kind, helping others whenever possible. She took time out of her day to comfort a crying child, give extra gold to families even poorer than her own to pay taxes to the ruling class; and she could always make someone smile. A hundred human beings could never hope to be as decent as Heidi was, and she didn’t even have to try. I didn’t know why good people like her always seemed made to suffer. Perhaps it was because that kindness was taken advantage of.

            All I could say to her was, “you get what you give, Heidi. You shall have everything one day.”

            She laughed and changed the subject. “What do you know? Anyway, Can you cook, Joshua?”

            “No. If we Gods want to eat, we just snap the food into our hands. We don’t need to eat, though. The only reason for us to ingest is because we like to taste something once in a while.”

            “Well, one of us is going to have to learn.” She stated.

           

            “This is awful,” Heidi said when I was done making our food.

            I shrugged. “It’s a meal.”

            She didn’t look up at me when she said, “so, are you going to tell me the truth about you now?”

            “I have.” I said.

            “You know I can’t stand that.” Heidi, as I would come to learn, was sassy at the best of times, but especially when people weren’t truthful with her. “Tell me the truth.”

            I closed my three eyes. There was nothing left to say if she decided not to believe.

            “I guess you can choose to be a lying piece of filth if you want. Don’t come crying to me when it gets you into trouble.” She looked up at me under her angry, bushy eyebrows.

            “It’s not my fault you choose not to listen.” I answered evenly.

            “Come on, Joshua. There’s no such thing as Gods.” She insisted.

            “That’s not a nice thing to say to a God who saved your life.” I countered, always attempting to keep a level head. I had to.

            “Why would a God be looking after me of all people? Why would they give up paradise, even for a year, for my benefit?”

            She put her bowl down on the filthy floor and waited for an answer.

            All I could say was, “you didn’t deserve to die.”

            “Then why…” She shook her head. She got to her feet and went outside.

            Of course she had quite the temper. I couldn’t blame her. With all she’d been through, she earned whatever fits of anger she had. To myself I murmured, “if things were fair Heidi, you would have my life, and I yours.”

 

            Heidi cheered up over the next few days. I went out of my way to help her. First, I cleaned up her house and organized it until it was fit for a God. That was for my benefit as well as hers. Then, I cleaned up her garden. As most of my power had been temporarily taken away by the Gods, I only had so much left to sneakily make her garden healthy, and to make it grow full and bountiful.

            Heidi was elated. She would murmur to herself several times that day, “my luck is finally turning around!”

            She grew to be fond of my company, and even embraced me when I cleaned her house while she was gone all day. At first, she didn’t want to be seen with me outdoors, as people would whisper things about me, and she didn’t like to hear them. But when she saw I didn’t care, she didn’t mind either.

            As for me, I hated the work and still thought it beneath me; but for the first time in my life I felt what it was like to make someone else happy. Even though my hands were raw, I felt like I knew what happiness really was for the first time in a long time. Life in The Above was muted. Nothing was extreme; everything was even, even emotions. Here, I could be who I really was. I felt free. More importantly, the world was not on my shoulders.

            For a month, we did the same things. Tended to her garden, took walks, spoke of mundane things, and Heidi was making the most profit she ever had. She seemed happy, which was everything she ever deserved. I was happy, too.

            But that wasn’t good for me. I would always have The Fear. The Fear that all Gods had, and needed to control; some Gods were able to control what they felt wonderfully--like Fate-- so it was understandable that Fate allowed herself to feel whatever she liked.

 For me and for Death too, however, it was dangerous. And I was afraid that that was one of the things that had corrupted my brother. Being in the presence of a mortal woman and feeling things too much had corrupted his mind.

            I didn’t love Heidi, luckily. She was a wonderful person, and an even better friend, and I loved that she kept to her own business mostly. Beyond that first week, she no longer joked about me being a God, and she gave me a chance that no one else in that village was willing to give me. They would have either killed me, or sent me away by now if it wasn’t for her, and her kindness made me feel love for the mortal races that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

            But I could tell she wondered about me, although she did not ask many questions. Instead of pushing the subject of whether I was a God; one day, after we were done tending her garden, as the sun waned and she was guzzling water as humans tend to perspire a lot, she looked at my vacant face and asked, with a little laugh, “don’t you ever smile?”

            I looked at her and blinked. Then I looked up at the sky and said quietly, “smiles are earned. You have earned them in full--I have not.”

            She looked confused for a moment, and then smiled. “You can’t put chains on a smile. Smiles aren’t earned; they should be given to you by those you love.”

            I attempted to give her a very slight smile at that, and then I said, “You have a good point of view, Heidi.”

            We were silent for a while, and then Heidi suddenly gave a little gasp. “You know what I realized! The prince of Ga is coming this season. He always vacations here…”

            I raised an eyebrow. “What’s so special about that?”

            “Me and the prince have been friends for a while.” She answered.

            “You and a prince…?” I was a little incredulous. I had looked upon princes before in my life, with all three of my eyes, and in general, none of my eyes liked them. They were selfish, greedy, cruel people, who built fortunes on the backs of honest mortals. I couldn’t imagine a prince being friends with one as poor and honest as Heidi.

            “I can’t understand why he vacations here. Ga is much more exciting.” She shrugged.

            “There’s a peaceful atmosphere here…” I offered.

            She snorted. “It’s boring. I would much rather be somewhere more exciting, but there’s not much security in that.”

            “I think you can do anything you wish Heidi. You have the tenacity.” I commented honestly.

            She ignored the comment, too humble maybe to accept it. “You know… I’ve been thinking. You’ve been more a help than anyone has to me. You don’t have to stay here any longer if you don’t want to. We can get you a job elsewhere.”

            “I want to stay,” I said easily, “it’s safe here.”

            But something bit at me from the back of my mind. The Fear. Because of my presence, Heidi could get hurt--possibly killed--and I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay after all… I would think it over. My brother was probably watching us.

            I leaned my cheek on my hand. I wished to go home…

 

            Another week went by, and I began to become used to the ground beneath my feet. It was imperfect and wild, like mortals themselves. The grass was beautiful to look at, but when I took off my shoes, it made my feet itch. The trees, ranging in colors from purples to gold, were skinny little things, bent in ugly fashions, but when the wind rustled the leaves, I felt like there was no where I’d rather be. This was a place where lovely music wrapped me in a sweet harmony.

            Then the day came when the Prince of Ga arrived. A big fuss was made about it, and everyone came to see the prince’s small concession of guards he’d brought with him. They waved his standard in the breeze in their rich, embroidered outfits. Unlike humans, there were no protective jewels in the foreheads of the people of Ga. They were simply born able to breathe the toxic air.

            After a show of flag-twirling, the prince stepped out of the carriage he was in and went straight to meet up with Heidi. Perhaps they knew each other more than Heidi had let on before.

            The prince looked to be about fifteen-years-old. He was also bird-like, as all the people of Ga. The bird people of Ga were built like humans combined with birds. They were as tall as humans, and stood upright like them, but they were covered in feathers like birds and had beaks, beady eyes, and clawed toes like birds. They also had wings, and attached to those wings were theirs hands, also clawed. Most of the people in Ga came in solid-colored feathers: pink, blue, yellow… but the prince came in a multitude of them; blue, purple, red, orange, gold, and green.

            Heidi embraced her young friend, and I watched them from a distance. Heidi said she wasn’t ready to introduce us. It took me a moment, but I realized I had actually watched the prince many times from above.

            I loved him from afar like he was my son.

Katharos, the prince, was an avid worshipper of me, and based on this fact alone, I loved him and looked after him often. Not many people worshipped me anymore because I didn’t give them what they wanted. But it was always my idea that mortals should have to work to fulfill their own dreams. Katharos understood this. I was always afraid for him, and worried I would someday have to sign his death warrant as God of Justice, and my brother would gleefully get to snuff out a life I loved. Katharos always seemed like he would never be long for the world—like he was made to suffer as Heidi was. His parents had died when he was young and the throne was shoved on him. To make matters worse, he was born sickly and lacked the energy needed to take part in any wars his country might get into. Worse than that, he always did the right thing. All of his councilors wanted him to make trouble where there was none, start fights, get into wars, raise taxes, but Katharos would have none of it. I suspected his councilors might eventually get rid of him. Katharos was a genius for his age, and although he was more than suited for the throne, he hated the responsibility. He had his reasons for dealing with the responsibility, of course. Namely to keep his people safe.

            There was a third party there, looming behind Katharos, who I had also seen from The  Above--his body-guard--who was ten-feet-tall like I was--Asher. Asher I knew little of. He wore nothing but a loin cloth, and had the features of a bat, particularly his ears. He had the thin nostrils of a bat as well; his eyes were slanted and far apart and as gold as the crown upon Katharos’ head. His hair was pulled back tightly into a horse-tail, and he had very little hair on his forehead. Like his royal charge, he had clawed feet and hands, and his skin was pitch black.

            I watched Heidi and Katharos smile and laugh for a bit, and I was happy just to watch, as I was never very social with people I didn’t know. Eventually, Heidi grabbed Katharos’ hand and dragged him over to me, and Katharos was speechless. “Heidi, do you know who this is…?”

            “Yes, his name is Joshua, and I--”

            “No,” Katharos interjected. “This is the God of Justice.”

 

            Heidi was incredulous. “C’mon Katharos, I thought you were smarter than that. He isn’t a God. Why would you even say that?”

            “You know I worship the God of Justice, Heidi,” Katharos straightened and clasped his hand behind his back. He was always calm, but his eyes glinted just looking at me. I wondered why he worshipped me so when nobody else did. “I’ve studied him and thought about what he would be like my whole life. My people have stored paintings of what he looked like when he walked among us. It’s an honor to meet you…” He was a little in awe, I thought, as he looked up at me.

            His body guard, Asher spoke quietly behind him “…careful, Katharos.”

            He waved his bodyguard away, and he moved away a little reluctantly. “Sorry, he’s a little protective. You’re Justice, are you not?”

            I looked around, making sure no humans in the village would hear me, and then I nodded and said, “I am the God, Justice.”

             “I knew it! I knew you existed because when I was on my deathbed from my weak bones I prayed for your mercy.” He knit his hands together equally, the fingers interlacing except for one digit on his right hand which had been severed.

            Katharos had gotten lucky. He was on Death’s door, incredibly sick. I was judging as myself the day I’d looked upon him, and because Katharos had only done well in his life, he was spared. I saved his life. It was one of the only hard decisions I’d ever made as myself. I couldn’t tell him that his life had been saved based on sheer luck. If it were Vengeance or Justice, they would have bypassed him and let him die.

            His eyes shone with unshed tears, thinking that I’d thought his life was special enough to save. “Thank you for saving my life…”

            I said nothing. Saying ‘you’re welcome’ felt like it would devalue his life.

            After a moment he asked, “but what are you doing here in the mortal realm?”

            I looked at Heidi, who was looking bored and unamused at our conversation and my perceived lies. “I was stripped of my powers, because I rescued Heidi.”

            Katharos was confused. “Why strip you for that?”

            “Because she was meant to die,” I answered truthfully.

            “But I was meant to die, and you weren’t stripped because you saved me…”

            Heidi, fed up, rolled her eyes. “When you two want to stop acting like children, go ahead. You don’t have powers, and you didn’t save me, Joshua! How long are you going to waver under that delusion?”

            “I could tell you that, but it won’t be true.” I told her flatly.

            She looked a little surprised, noting the sarcasm in my normally emotionless voice. She stared for a moment, and then shook her head. “When you want to start acting like an adult Joshua, come find me.” She walked off, irritated.

            I turned my attention back to Katharos. I couldn’t tell him that he was saved by chance when he idolized me so much. I simply couldn’t. “Heidi was meant to die and you weren’t. I bent the rules for Heidi.” I answered him vaguely.

            Katharos wanted to ask more, but he knew better. He changed the subject. “How long will you be in the mortal realm?”

             “A year.”

            Katharos was shocked. “A year among mortals! I hope they won’t corrupt you!” Katharos paused, and then he asked, a little haltingly, “Do you like us…? Mortals, I mean? In general?”

            “No.” I said truthfully. I knew I was supposed to like them, but I simply didn’t.

            He was unhappy. “I see, so there is no hope for us?”

            I shook my head. “The problem lies with me, not you. I like you and Heidi, but others displease me.”

            He nodded, crestfallen. “I see… I shall have to work harder, to prove we aren’t all bad. But for right now, I have to do work on my vacation.”

            I waved goodbye to him, and he gave me a four-fingered wave back as he tore himself away from me, the God he worshipped, and marched on over to the tent his people had set up for him. I rubbed the back of my neck. Suddenly, I was feeling very light-headed, and I collapsed.

 

            Heidi shook me awake. “Are you okay?” She looked a little annoyed, so I assumed she knew I was okay.

            I touched a hand to my forehead. A small frown tugged at my lips. “I feel empty…”

            She smiled. “You’re just hungry, silly! I’ve told you before – you have to eat. You’re not a God.”

            She handed me a bowl of soup as I sat up. Hunger bit at my insides like nothing I’d ever felt before in my life. I’d forgotten to feed my now-mortal body again. I ate a little bit of the food, musing over my time in the mortal realm.

“I feel strange, Heidi. Like I can’t find comfort in anything.”

             “Maybe reality finally set in for you.”

            I was feeling insecure. As insecure as I did when I was judging as Joshua. “Is this what it’s like to be a mortal…?”

            She gave me a serious look, putting a hand on my back. “You were always a mortal, Joshua. Perhaps you only pretended you weren’t because you couldn’t stand how you were living.”

            I looked at her, a little disconcerted. “I am not a mortal.”

            “What happened to you that you can’t accept your mortality, Joshua?”

            “What happened to you that you can’t believe in gods?” I retorted suddenly and uncharacteristically. I slumped backwards, frustrated. I wanted to go home. I didn’t belong among mortals. They were filth.

            “If you’re a God as you claim, you’ll know that even if the Gods exist, they turned their backs on me. Why should I believe in them if they can’t spare two thoughts for me?” She asked seriously.

            “Gods weren’t meant to hold your hand through life, Heidi. You wouldn’t grow otherwise.” I stated.

            She frowned and looked away. She grabbed my hand and helped me to my feet. “You should go to sleep if you’re feeling woozy.”

            “I’m not tired,” I said, “But I do want to be by myself.”

            I walked off, going anywhere. Even though the world was covered in those poisonous blue transparent vapors, this area was stunning. So very green. When the wind blew through, I could swear the grass beneath my feet shone. I did a little spin as I went, my yellow hair whipping my eyes. Eventually, I walked so far I could hear no more mortal noises. Everything was silent but for the wind, and the rustling of the leaves in the nearby trees. There were no more houses, not even hills. And a vibrant pink butterfly flew right in front of me. It flew away just before I could seize it.

            It was the butterfly from my dreams, I knew. I would chase it forever, and now was no exception. I sped after it full speed, my hands always just an inch away from closing on it. I hoped it would lead to something. Something to lift this sad empty, depressed feeling from me, and I hoped it would lead me to something more than signing the death warrants of mortals.

            I seemed to have been transported to another realm as I chased it, where I was running forever. Things seemed to slow down and move past me at an ethereal pace.

            I stopped in my tracks. I’d almost fallen off a very steep cliff. I looked around. It was nearly night. I had no idea where I was…

            “So you’re Yeshua?” At the sound of my real name, I cringed and looked around. I saw a boy. He couldn’t have been older than Heidi, and he was very tall. He was crossing his arms and looking at me. He had black eyes that were tilted at an angle. He also had blue close cropped hair. By the look of his pointed ears and purple skin, he was a Mahesha, a people who worshipped the dead God, Destruction. He was six-feet-tall though, a bit taller than the average Mahesha—however, he struck me as very young in all of his mannerisms, and especially in personality. I had an odd, sickly feeling when I looked at him.

            Given the fact he worshipped the horrid God Destruction, I had an automatic bias to dislike him. “My name is Nikolai,” he took a few steps towards me. “You’re pretty pathetic for a God, actually caring enough about a human to rescue her…”

            “Why are you here?” I ignored his comments. These days, I was good at keeping my rage under control.

            “I’m here to give you a warning,” he began.

            “You’re a child. You couldn’t harm me.” I waved him away dismissively.

            That seemed to have struck a chord. He stamped his foot a raised his voice. “I am not a child! I’m twenty-five years old, and I demand respect! I ought to behead you and… He took a deep breath. “Look, the truth is, I’m here to warn you about something. You should leave so the people in the village don’t get hurt.”

            “I’m not doing them any harm.” I said.

            “Mr. Smalls wished me to bring you this message. He sees you’ve become close with these people, and he wishes you to suffer. He will kill whomever you take refuge with. He says he wants you to go to the Mahesha. By foot.” Nikolai said, crossing his arms.

            “How do you know Mr. Smalls? Just who are you, little Mahesha?”

            “Do not call me little. Mr. Smalls visits me often.” He explained.

            “Why should I believe someone who worships the Wicked God Destruction?”

            “Don’t be close-minded, three eyes. If bad things are destroyed as well as good things, there will be balance, which is good. And that’s Destruction’s job.”

            “You’re a mortal; you don’t know what the Gods are really like. Your view of them is skewed.”

            “Just leave the village, please. I don’t wish to see these people dead.”

            I doubted this child could kill me even if he tried, but it was possible that Mr. Smalls had an army of Maheshans. Mr. Small’s mortal lover was the Queen of the Maheshas, and she tended to do whatever he told her to. Unlike most species on the planet, the Maheshas all had the ability to perform powerful magic. If Mr. Smalls ordered it, an army of Maheshas could raze the village easily.

            Again I wondered about my brother’s change in personality. Why did he so want me to die when all I ever did was help him by signing the warrants?

            “Why does Mr. Smalls not just come here and kill me himself?”

            He looked at me, blinked, and then said, “…He says he will gain power if he defeats you in front of the Mahesha. The Maheshans are not your biggest fans. He will not transport you there himself, either. He wants you to suffer as much as possible.”

            This must have been a sort of crazed ego trip for my brother. He wanted the mortals to worship him, and he wanted them to do it fearfully by seeing him defeat another God.

            I would have to consider leaving. The lives of a few mortals shouldn’t matter much to a God and I was comfortable where I was… but when I thought about Heidi or Katharos dying, I felt my stomach tighten and my heart thudding.

            The boy, Nikolai, gave me a sarcastic grin. “Aw, someone has a heart,” and then he snapped and disappeared in a flash of light.

            I walked back to the village. I thought, maybe six more days with Heidi and Katharos wouldn’t hurt.

            Thinking back on Nikolai, I didn’t know that the Mahesha had such power.

 

            For a whole day, Heidi was silent. She seemed to be watching and listening to me more closely, although I had little to say. I helped her in her garden still, and I still hated the work and thought it beneath me. But, it made me feel like I earned every bit of relaxation I had. I never felt that while judging.

 It wasn’t just that she seemed to be evaluating me, she also seemed to feel lost. She would look very distant, and she would not meet my eyes.

            Katharos, on the other hand, was very talkative. He was always busy, even on vacation, talking to his councilors about things that didn’t concern me. But still, he made sure he was around me as much as possible. He really did admire the Justice side of me. I was glad he was unaware of my true self: Joshua, who was unable to make decisions as Justice and Vengeance did.

            Katharos and I sat outside and talked on Heidi’s porch often.

            “How can you stand it? It must be so rough…” he said quietly.

            “I hardly do any of it myself.” I said vaguely.

            “How do you mean…?” He was confused.

            It was time to tell him of my other personalities. Hopefully it wouldn’t skew how he thought of me. “Justice, my yellow eye, and Vengeance, my green eye, do most of it for me.” I explained.

            “Your people know and depict me as Justice, but I’m also Vengeance. I have both to protect balance,” I added when I saw his confused expression.

            He nodded, taking this new information into his pantheon. “Is it possible for people to die without you…?”

            “Yes. People will continue to live and die when I don’t have my eyes on them. But, when my eyes are on them, judging them, I can sign their death warrants to cause a premature death if Justice or Vengeance decrees it to be so.”

I was silent for a moment, and then realized I’d left something out. “There is one exception though: people can’t die of old age without me.” I said plainly.

            “Then who’s doing your job right now?”

            I felt a pang of sadness. “My brother, Death, must be doing both the judging and killing. I think he may be the one killing your people at an unnatural rate, Katharos... I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault.”

            “Really? Your brother is purposefully… I see. He is helping Hephzibah because they worship him just as much as Destruction…”

            I had a sudden worry for Katharos. I only had a little power left since being stripped, but it was enough, I decided, to keep him safe. “Come here.”

            He moved a little closer. I took his hand and wrote a word only I could see upon his hand in the language of the Gods, protected.

            Katharos didn’t ask what I was doing; he was too busy preparing his next question: “Does everyone have to die?”

            I blinked slowly. “Everyone must die, Katharos. Where Vengeance is the balance of Justice, Death is the balance of Life.”

            “I see. Balance must be kept. You have a harder job than they can imagine.” He empathized with me, which was incredible. Most mortals were selfish, and never considered how it might feel to be a God.

            I said nothing, however. It was enough that he understood. I put a hand on his shoulder, and smiled tiredly.

             He frowned. While it was true he had his own burdens as a ruler, his were miniscule in comparison to mine.

           

            After my conversation with Katharos, I left the porch and only came back to the house later that night. Heidi greeted me with silence. As I crawled into my bed, she asked, “Are you a God?”

            I glanced her way. She wouldn’t believe me. Why should I repeat it?

            She smiled. She knew what I was thinking. “I wish you’d quit saying you are. You’ll get yourself into trouble.”

            “I can handle myself,” I said. I didn’t need a mortal telling me what to do. After a moment, I said, “come here,”

            I sat up under my covers, and when Heidi was close enough, I drew the sign of protection on her arm. To her, it looked like nothing happened. To me, letters were drawn on thin air, and fused onto her skin. “What are you doing?”

            I shrugged. “Protecting you. Goodnight.”

            “Goodnight.”

 

            The next day, I spoke with Katharos again when he had a little free time. The wind was picking up again, sweeping the miasma through the town; rain might be on its way. He didn’t have much to say, and he seemed depressed and distant. I wasn’t good with expressions, but even I could tell something was wrong. “Are you okay, Katharos?”

            “In the past month, many people have died in Ga.” He sighed. “I feel completely responsible.”

            “Why have so many died? Are you at war?” I asked. It seemed incredible that a war might have started since the last time I’d observed his doings from up on my cloud.

            “No. There’s been a severe, unexplainable increase in homicide and accidents.” He paused, probably going over some of the more horrific cases in his mind. As a king of a small country, Katharos often had his hand in handling such cases. Probably he felt like he was losing control of his people. “I feel like I need to cut my vacation short and go home…”

            It must have been Death. He was openly killing Katharos’ people in droves. Why? I couldn’t begin to guess. His motives seemed to be getting more and more confusing to me.

            I looked up at the sky, envisioning the clouds my brother and I had shared in the past. The long talks and mutual respect we used to have for each other was just an echo now, and he seemed to live to make me suffer. First he banished me, then he threatened both me and Heidi’s village through the Mahesha boy, Nikolai, and finally, he was killing the people of my most loyal worshipper, Katharos.

            I turned back to Katharos. “Where do the Mahesha live?”

            Katharos gave me a look like I was crazy. “I know you’re a God Joshua, but if you’re thinking of going there, don’t. The Mahesha are a hateful species, especially to outsiders.”

            “I’m merely curious.”

            He seemed incredulous, but he answered. “They live many miles due north of here, underground.”

As a God, I knew what he meant by underground. The Mahesha’s eyes were sensitive to light, which is why Nikolai had visited me in the night. If my brother was baiting me to confront him like I thought he might be, I knew he would be waiting for me the underground city of the Mahesha, with his mortal woman, Hephzibah.

            Katharos hugged his knees and put his four-fingered hand on his cheek, going back to the previous subject. “This is my fault… all these people killing themselves. I must not be doing my job correctly.”

            I looked over at him. Though I felt guilty, I didn’t tell him that the predicament his people were in was because of me. He had enough trouble on his mind without having his faith compromised. “Don’t blame yourself, Katharos. You do your job better than anyone I’ve ever seen. I’m proud of you… I saw how you saved that girl’s life—how you lost that finger.”

            I was referring to a time, two years ago when Katharos was diffusing a fight in the streets between a Mahesha woman who had defected and one of his own people—a rather large man—the fight had quickly escalated and the man, wielding a knife, attempted to stab the woman, but Katharos stepped between the two and put up his palms to protect her. The attacker had slowed his attack just enough to only cut a single hand. Most of the fingers had been damaged, and one had to be amputated. 

            “I don’t make things worse, but I can’t seem to make them better…” he sighed.

            “It’s not your fault,” I repeated. “It’s everyone else’s.”

            Katharos looked at me for a moment, recalling that I’d said mortals displeased me except for him and Heidi. “There are good people on this world, Joshua. You will see.”

            I looked at him intently; I wanted to believe him, to say I knew there were plenty of good people in the world… but I couldn’t. From up on my cloud I’d seen seven acts of evil for every one act of good. I couldn’t find it in my graceless heart to forgive. And, at the same time I couldn’t find it in my heart to tell this to Katharos. Even though his acts of good were undone so readily by the bad, they were a spark of light that needed to be protected from the darkness.

 

            Later that morning, I worked in Heidi’s garden some more while she went out to the market. When she came back, and after watering a few plants, she gave a heavy sigh. “They’re dying again…” she was referring to her plants. “And they were doing so well.”

            I didn’t like offering suggestions at the best of times, but because I liked Heidi, and I knew she didn’t judge me like the Gods did, I felt comfortable with saying, “have you ever thought about trying something else?”

            “Like what? I haven’t got any talent but tending to crops. It’s the only thing I ever learned from my father.”

            “You have the passion to do whatever you want, Heidi.”

            “You should know that women can only have two jobs; being a wife or being a mother. I don’t want either, and people look down on me for taking up my father’s work.”

            “I don’t think you’d make a good mother…” I agreed in a murmur.

            “Exactly. Why’s life so unfair?”

            I had no answers for her. Indeed, I agreed with her. “Maybe you can find a way to make it fair…”

            After that I went back inside the house to be by myself. I sat alone on my bed and stared at the wall. I supposed I really should leave the village as Nikolai has warned. But where was I to go?

            I was scared. It was more than possible to die when my powers were stripped away. And here… I just felt safe. But if I cared anything for Katharos and Heidi, I should leave at least a day before Nikolai said he would come.

           

            And those days passed quickly. I decided to leave silently without telling Katharos or Heidi. I had become exceedingly close with them for the past few days. They were intriguing creatures, and so horribly flawed, which made them all the more exciting. While I hated most other mortals for their wretched flaws, Heidi’s and Katharos’ were somehow endearing. They hid nothing and knew their issues. They knew that their lives were worth no more or less than anyone else’s… but they were wrong. In my eyes, they were.

            I never said very much to them, but listening to them talk was a joy. Katharos would tell me what it was like to try and run a country, and how it sapped the strength from him, and made him bone tired. The fact that he tried so hard, despite his health issues was admirable.

            And then there was Heidi. Heidi never got sad or depressed like how Katharos often got. Heidi got angry. It seemed as if nothing could bring her to tears, as if she was fed up with them, and preferred now to get angry at her problems until she solved them or they went away. Heidi could talk all day about nothing, too, which I found amusing. She once spent an hour talking about how she always wanted a suitable dress to wear to formal occasions, although she had none to go to. She talked of things that seemed irrelevant and mundane, and they were. She didn’t pay attention to the things everyone else seemed to think was important in life: politics, money, or getting ahead. Those were the things that, in her eyes, made people the greedy, selfish, uncaring vindictive mortals she was used to dealing with. Indeed, the only thing she seemed to care about was her garden, which was dying. And that made me sad because I couldn’t spare any waning Godly powers on it.

            She was always awake before I was, and I would find her sitting on the large rock in front of her garden, just looking miserably at her crops and garden. I would walk up to her and put a hand on her shoulder, which gave her no comfort. In fact, she looked at me as if I had an agenda.

            On the day before I decided to leave, while we were eating in only each other’s company, I said plainly, “you don’t like me much, do you Heidi?”

            “You’re a great help... but no. I don’t particularly like you.” She said truthfully.

            “Why?”

            “Because you’re a stuck up snot and you don’t seem to care about anything.”

            I wasn’t offended. I had weathered worse insults. “You’re right,” I admitted. “I can’t find it in my heart to love mortals.”

            She looked at me with downcast eyes. “…if you are a God, you should be required to love us.”

            “If you don’t love one another, what reason would I have to?” I countered drily.

            “You ought to be above that sort of thing,” she said simply.

            I gave her a look. “It isn’t that simple. Love isn’t for foul creatures. I could no more love mortals than ants swarming my foot.” I didn’t feel the need to explain myself further.

            “Are you going to say that to Katharos? He loves you even though he knows nothing about you, simply because he’s stuck on the notion that you’re a God.” She said testily. “Katharos is like a little brother to me. Don’t you dare say anything to depress him further. As it is, all he feels like doing with his free time is sleeping.”

            I ignored her. I looked away expressionlessly. She had no right to say such things against me. She was a lowly mortal. In a way I was glad the conversation had happened as it did because it gave me some reason to want to leave the village.

            Sick of her attitude, I left the house after that, and grumpily sat by myself. I heard some children screaming nearby. Curious, I followed the sound. I followed it for some time until I was completely out of the village, and then I saw the two children. They were Marie and Cael, two children I knew fairly well from the time I spent in the village.

At first, I saw they were only playing. Pushing each other, tickling, and teasing. But they were doing this near a steep fall in the land. As I came closer, I saw one push the other over the edge by accident. My eyes widened and I rushed the remaining distance. I ran down the slope beside the fall, but the child had broken his neck. The little girl who had accidentally pushed him was weeping uncontrollably. I looked up at her from beside the body. Was my brother controlling this incident, or was it truly an accident? I held the lifeless body in my arms and thought for a moment.

            Death was not so easy when it was seen so close. It was easy to watch these people from The Above and pass judgment on them. I didn’t know them, and they had no effect on my life, but up close…

            I closed all three of my eyes and passed a hand over the child’s face. He awoke, and the little girl stopped sobbing. I thought it might be a waste to use what miniscule powers I had left on such a small life, but to see someone I knew, even if it was someone I didn’t know particularly well dead and lifeless was too hard for me. Everyone must die, but it was too soon for him.

            The child sat up and blinked as if he was sleeping for a long time. He looked confused, as if he knew he shouldn’t still be there, and then he looked at me. “You saved me…” he said breathlessly.

            I was silent. I didn’t want him to tell the village he thought I was a God. It would probably get him, me, and Heidi into more trouble. I simply smiled thinly and, since I was so tall, lifted him up and put him back on the rise. The girl, who was his sister, gave a cry of joy and embraced him.

           

             The next day, not wanting anyone to get hurt, and taking no belongings--as I had none-- I got ready to travel. I got up before Heidi and walked out on silent feet. The sun was coming up, and the world was dyed an early morning bluish-yellow. I breathed in the fresh scent of spring flowers; and as the wind blew, I looked in the direction it blew in. I wondered briefly how badly death hurt. I had signed death warrants, but never caused death. I thought about how scary it would be, to have your life in someone’s hands, someone you could not even see….

            But I mustered my courage and started heading north… but then I heard someone say, “Where are you going?” I looked back. Heidi. She’d thrown on a dress and didn’t bother with making herself presentable.

            “I have things to do. Thank you for your hospitality.” I started walking away from her.

            “So after I took care of your sorry self for so long, you’re just going to leave without giving me a reason why?”

            I frowned and I remembered our argument the previous day. “I can’t stay in the home of someone who dislikes me.”

            She looked a little sad and opened her mouth to say something. Even though she hated me, I knew she was about to apologize and ask me back, so I added hastily and truthfully, “and I must see someone in Mahesha – Death, my brother.”

            “More God nonsense? So your brother is Death now?” She sighed like a mother listening to an elaborate lie told by a child.

            “Yes. He’s killing people at an unnatural rate.” I ignored the hint of sarcasm in her voice.

            “I’ll play along with your God premise for a moment. What’re you going to do about your brother? Ask him to stop killing people?”

            “No. Everyone must die.” I repeated what I’d said to Katharos.

            “Then why stop him?” She countered.

            “Because he’s killing people without my warrants. He needs me to judge who should live and who should die before he takes a life.”

            “So you get to decide when other people die?” She crossed her arms in disbelief.

I was growing tired of her again, so I decided not to continue on the conversation. I turned away from her and continued slowly on down the road without an answer.

            Heidi caught up to me easily. She just walked beside me for a moment, and then spoke. “Joshua… I know I can be a pain, but I really didn’t mean what I said about you. I want to come. Besides, I want to find out whether you are a God or not.”

            “I don’t want you to come. You will get hurt.” I said frankly.

            “I don’t care… besides, I owe you, for helping me make as much money as I did. I don’t know what you did, but my garden was thriving for almost a month, and I made good money off of it. I owe you, so you may as well let me come.” She shrugged.

            She only wanted to come, of course, because there really was nothing left for her in this place. Her beloved garden had died, her cruel father had died, and she was all alone in the world. Regardless of whether she liked me, I never wished her to be alone. “You may come.”

            She grinned. “I’ll go get my gold! Oh, and some proper clothes.”

            I waited for her. I was chilled to the bone this early in the morning. It was a sensation I was completely unfamiliar with, as Gods do not feel cold. I was being attacked by the Mortal Disease, as God’s called it--and I just wasn’t feeling very well. This was the worst disease to have where you slowly lose more and more power by being among humans.

 

            Heidi came back, and she brought Katharos with her, at which I gave her a sharp look, but what was done was done. She may as well just tell the whole village at this point.

            Katharos looked a little downtrodden. “Heidi told me everything…I wish I could go too…”

            I knelt down, and gave him the most genuine smile I had ever mustered. I looked him right in the eyes. “I am so proud of you… mortals like you make me love what I do…”

            “But you are a God! And I am nothing…” He shuffled his feet and looked down.

            “You are not nothing. You give this world all you can, and you will someday get back what you give.”

            He embraced me. My eyes shifted uncomfortably, not knowing how to respond. I patted his back awkwardly.

            After a moment, he disengaged, and I patted his head. “Take care of yourself, please.” I said quietly.

            He nodded. “Goodbye. I hope I shall see you again…”

           

            I informed Heidi that we were going to the Mahesha, and I was happy to know that she knew where they were situated. An hour later, Heidi looked up at my face as we passed over very flat land and made progress towards our goal. “You look ever so slightly sad. I mean, I guess your default expression is unamused, but there’s an ever so slightly thin line pulling down on the corner of your mouth.”

            I said nothing. I felt sad at my parting with Katharos. Sad. Over a mortal. Reprehensible.

            To Heidi I said, “Why are you friends with Katharos?”

            “Why?” She raised an eyebrow.

            “Katharos is royalty. Royalty is not often friends with…” I stopped myself. She was already giving me a look.

            “With rabble like me? You’re thinking it. You may as well be honest. I knew when Katharos first came here that he wasn’t like most royalty. He always seemed so sad… I thought he just needed a friend, so I offered him friendship, and he accepted it. It seemed as if all of his cohorts were disgusted that he would lower himself to my level… not that I care. I’ve gotten far worse from my Father.” She shrugged.

            They were quite a pair. Both so young, and both treated very badly. Even looking at Heidi, she had a rather faint scar on her leg, no doubt from her father.

            She caught me looking. “Haven’t you ever seen an ugly scar before?” She asked.

            “Why did he treat you that way?” I asked.

            She didn’t look at me, but she had a hardened look on her face like she didn’t care. Like long ago, she had accepted what her life was, and she’d moved on from it. “I can’t explain why some people are messed up, Joshua. All I know is that some people have all the luck, and I have none. I think… my Father wanted to have no weight attached to his life, and he wanted me to pull my own weight, without having to care about me… he took so many things from me.”

            “Like what?”

            “I just… I can’t look back like other people can and see a happy, comfortable life. I have no happy memories to rest in, nothing to look back on in fondness. People have those things to look back on for comfort, and I have nothing. “

            She stopped in her tracks. “Look at this… a year ago this was green…”

            We came upon a large stretch of land with no green. The grass and trees very suddenly cut off, and there was nothing left but cold, hard earth. The vapors had killed the land here. They were especially intense in this area, and particularly visible. They had a reddish tinge to them.

            “This place has festered horribly,” I commented.

            “Well yeah, clearly,” she replied. There was a steep incline in front of us, with unsteady rocks caked it. Heidi carefully lowered herself down onto the incline, and slowly started making her way down by grabbing hold of the rocks. I carefully place one foot down before the other one. In my robes, it was hard to move, and even harder to see past my long body. I stepped on something unsteady and nearly fell over, but I caught myself just barely. I breathed in sharply.

            Heidi was doing great, even climbing in a dress with clunky boots on. She was already half way down.

            Suddenly, I wondered what it would be like to slip and die here, and I had a sensation of complete fear. I grabbed onto the ledge I was on, and was too scared to move.

            Heidi looked up at me. “Joshua, are you okay?”

            “I am stuck.”

            She laughed. “Do you want me to come back up there?”

            “Yes.”

            I waited while she climbed back up. She was sweating and exerted, but she was used to this sort of work. I was not. She got beside me. “Okay, I’ll guide you.” She looked down. “Lower your right foot down and to the left a little…”

 

            It took us many minutes it seemed, but eventually we got down. Heidi was out of breath, but not nearly as much as I was.

            “Don’t you ‘Gods’ ever work out?” she said snidely. “Aren’t you glad I came with you?”

            “No. You might get hurt.”

            “Hey, I wasn’t the one who was stuck just now. Why do you care so much about me anyway?” She took a skin of water out of the backpack she brought, and sipped some, and then she gave it to me. I guzzled it.

            Irritated, I said, “you make it hard sometimes.”

            We sat down, needing a break, and after a moment she said, “So Joshua, if you are, indeed a God what’s life like in ‘The Above’.”

            Looking for a single word, I said, “ineffectual.”

            She laughed. “It’s boring?”

            “No. It had no effect on me.”

            She didn’t follow. “Was it supposed to?”

            “No. Gods are not meant to feel much.” I answered truthfully.

            “Did you…?”

            “More than the average God; I never thought walking through a life that lasted forever was fun. I always wanted to run. But life was not meant to be fun, at least not for me.”

            She could not feel pity for me, because she thought I had everything handed to me in life. She had the decency not to say anything though.

            “The truth is,” I decided to elaborate, feeling slightly more talkative than usual; “when you’re a God… feelings can damage anything around you. You never want to wipe out a whole village in a fit of rage, for example.”

            That seemed to get under her skin. “I feel so bad for you. You hold the power over someone’s life in one hand; life must be so hard for you.”

            I didn’t let her get the rise out of me she wanted. “Most people would feel blessed that a God looked after them and saved their life.”

            “Most people weren’t beaten black and blue from ages six to twenty-five. Where were you then?” She looked wounded. She was beginning to believe I was real, and it hurt her all the more to know that someone could watch her suffer, and do nothing about it.

            “I was not meant to rescue you from every traumatic moment in your life Heidi. You must find your own way.” I answered simply.

            “Why… why didn’t you help my brother?” She asked.

            I glanced away from her. “I had no power over that case. He died on his own, without my assistance. I could not judge him either way.”

            “That’s not fair! Why did my Father live longer than him?” She cried.

            “It was fair,” I countered.

            “You’re such a coward and you can’t stand seeing the bad things mortals do that you won’t even take a moment to realize we do good things to! My brother was good… why didn’t you help him?” She was angry now.

            Evenly, I said, “your brother was not good or bad, his life had barely begun. I had no hand in his death, either he would live or die and he died. There was nothing I could do.”

            Her eyes looked distant, like she wasn’t looking at anything in particular.

            I had no words of solace for her. I felt bad for her because really; I liked her… I liked her a lot. But I was not good at consoling people, and I was even worse at pretending to empathize with them. I always thought it was somewhat insulting—when someone said they knew how you were feeling. There’s no way they could know that…

            “I know he deserved better…” I said truthfully, “watching your father abuse the both of you was—hard—and I am sorry.”

            She looked over at me. “You mean that. That’s nice…”

We got going a little afterwards, after guzzling water. I never knew what it was like to feel hungry or thirsty. I didn’t like it. Having a dry throat and an empty stomach was one of the worst things I’d ever felt. We walked through the barren ground and red vapors all day until we finally got exhausted and had to stop and sleep. Feeling tired was another new sensation.

And frankly, suddenly I wasn’t feeling very well. Heidi seemed dazed as well. “Joshua, I feel sick…” she coughed weakly and collapsed.

I walked over to her, feeling sick myself. Suddenly, I had a heated moment of complete fear. I felt so sick I thought I was on the verge of death. I was coughing too; the red vapors were suddenly affecting me. I never thought I’d ever be so close to death in my life, and I never knew it’d be so frightening. From a hot, pounding head, to a weakness in my legs I could not stand this feeling. I wondered if this was how the mortals felt when they were about to die…

All I could think of was Heidi. I crawled over to her and touched her shoulder, erecting a shield around her, and then I collapsed.

 

I awoke somewhere incredibly green. I was surprised I was not dead. It was like a paradise… I had never seen this place before, not even from The Above… butterflies, colorful flowers, pollen floating around, and a soft breeze blowing by. I got up and walked about. I stopped in my tracks and looked up. There, in a grove of many trees, was the biggest tree I’d ever seen in my old life. So large I couldn’t even see the top of it. The most wonderful thing about this place was that there were no vapors. The air was so clean. “Wow…” I whispered breathlessly.

I realized I hadn’t found Heidi. Calmly, I looked about for her. But there was something odd about how a patch of grass was moving nearby…. It seemed to be coming towards me. When a person popped out of it, I fell on my rump.

            It was a little green child-- with yellow hair--dressed in nothing but leaves, with only one eye.

            “Moving grass!” I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought I’d seen everything, being a God.

            “I am not grass. I am a tree. How dare you confuse me with something as wretched as grass!”

            I looked him up and down. “You are green, not brown. You must be living grass. Now, have you seen my friend?”

            “Not unless you apologize to the great Shankar.” He crossed his arms indignantly.

            “Sorry…” I shrugged. I supposed it wasn’t beneath me to apologize. Even if it was to grass.

            “That’s better. She’s a nice girl, far too nice to be keeping someone like you company. She gave me respect right off the bat. She ought to be taking care of those mortals, not you. She was almost dead when I found her, just why were you dragging her through those vapors?”

            “She volunteered to come. I told her to stay behind.”

            “You seem to like her. Why only her? I thought you Gods didn’t care about anyone.” Shankar said sarcastically.

            I ignored him. “Where is she?” I repeated.

            “She’s right over there.” Shankar moved aside and pointed to a nearby little hill. Heidi was on top, lying on her belly, looking at the sky. “You know, you big oaf, you should really learn how to treat your betters—where are you going?”

            I walked past him and to Heidi. She glanced at me for a moment, and then back at the sky. I knelt by her side. “I think you should stay here, Heidi…”

            “You almost died just like I did… why do you get to keep going and I don’t…?” she made a face.

            “You’re special Heidi. I think I finally found someone who I would die for.” I sat down next to her, cross legged.

            She looked at me askance. “…why?”

            “I’ve watched you from The Above, Heidi. I know what you did, all those months ago….” I gave her a sidelong glance, and she looked embarrassed and avoided my gaze.

            “A child in that village, the one who looks like your brother…. He was dying. The mage in your village, she told you the only way to save him was to use some of somebody else’s life. You let her use yours. I’ve been trying to understand such a selfless act. Why?” I looked at her intently.

            She frowned and sighed. “My life was going nowhere, everyone I loved was gone or dead… that boy has a good life, a good family. Saving him was like getting the second chance to save my brother.”

            I felt a deep hurting in the depth of what a mortal might call their soul. I closed my eyes and bit my lip. “You shall only live to be thirty. I can’t choose whether you live or die at thirty, because then you shall die not of old age, but of magic. Something I don’t control.”

            “You shouldn’t have saved me in the first place. I don’t deserve special treatment.” She murmured distantly. “My life has been sad, Joshua. I feel… empty.”

            “I shall make you into a Goddess.” I said, hoping to cheer her up.

            She smiled. “Cute.” After a moment of enjoying the weather and beautiful scenery, she said, “well, I wish to come with you, Joshua. You saved my life. I owe you one anyway. I’m tired though… can we spend the night here?”

            “I don’t know where ‘here’ is, but we can ask that Shankar fellow.” I looked about skeptically, but couldn’t help but love the wind wrestling through my hair.

            “Okay. He seems friendly enough.”

            “I don’t think so…”

            She giggled. “You didn’t give him proper respect, did you?”

            I helped her to her feet. She wouldn’t change her mind, so I didn’t try to change it for her. Besides. I enjoyed her company. Was that a crime?

           

            I looked around for Shankar, but he seemed to have disappeared. At least I thought as much until he arose from the grass with a yawn.

            “Hello, Shankar,” I greeted him. “May we…”

            He crossed his arms and cleared his throat. “Ahem.”

            I rolled my eyes. “Great Shankar, might I stay here?” I bowed.

            “Laying it on a little thick-- but yes--You may be graced with the Great Shankar’s presence and paradise for the night.”

            I looked around, taken in by the beauty. The sun was setting, and this paradise was even more beautiful in the pale red sunset. “…just where is your paradise Shankar? I have never seen it before…”

            “It is hidden from your nosy, prying eyes. I’m glad your friend is okay,” he looked at Heidi with a smile.

            “The Great Shankar honors me…” Heidi said graciously, doing a curtsy.

            “He doesn’t deserve your company,” he glared at me. “You be careful, Miss. You’re not invincible.”

            “I will.” She assured him.

            “Well, I’ll leave you two alone then... what are you doing?”

            I was leaning against the giant tree that shot into the sky. “What?”

            “That’s my Mom!” Shankar shot the earth up under my feet and tripped me. “Don’t touch my Mom.”

            I stepped away, palms turned up non-threateningly. “Sorry… I didn’t know you had such powers.”

            “You better be. Listen, I know you’re good, Miss, but you talk to him… make sure he doesn’t run astray.”

            She laughed. “Yessir.”

            Shankar shot me one more warning glance before melting back into the grass.

            We were both silent for a moment as the sun continued to wan. The world was dyed blue, and a sweet breeze blew by, catching Heidi’s long black hair. She smiled, touching the back of her neck.

            “You know something? I’m already happy to be away from that village.” She said, completely elated. She did a spin and looked up at the sky. “I feel… free.”

            I simply watched her for a moment. Even though I never thought she was pretty before, suddenly, I thought she was very pretty. I was transfixed. And then I felt sick to my stomach at myself and looked away. She was a mortal, nothing more. And she would be dead in five years.

            After a moment, she walked over to me. “Joshua, if you really are a God…. I mean I--”

            She dusted off her dirty dress uncomfortably. “I’m really sorry, Joshua. I don’t appreciate you enough… your job is… I wouldn’t be able to do it; and I understand the necessity of people dying. I mean, if everyone lived forever bad people would live forever, and good people would go on living so long they might eventually go crazy… I just want to thank you for doing your job. It’s a job nobody else would want and I…”

            I stopped her. “There’s no need.”

            She smiled a little looking up at me with her face tilted down, thankful for my rescue. She cleared her throat. “I suppose I’ll go to sleep now.

            “Go ahead. I shall watch over you.” I insisted.

            She nodded and laid her head down. I sat down next to her. She was asleep in minutes, her black hair strewn all over her face. I smiled and then I sighed and looked up at the sky. I felt so tired. Gods didn’t need to sleep because they got tired; they needed to sleep to restore their powers. What an awful feeling it was to be bone-weary from all that climbing.

            Heidi was beginning to see my job was much harder than she gave it credit for, and, likewise, being a mortal was harder than I gave it credit for. I always thought that being a mortal would be the simplest thing. You treat others well, you find your station in the world; you get married to continue your family line… but this feeling of helplessness, of being tired, hungry, and close to death…. I was beginning to see just why mortals craved power over others, why they were never happy… they were so weak, and every moment might be their last. No wonder they were never content in life. But the people who actually did suffer…

 I looked at Heidi. They were the people who would have been content with a normal life. The ones who deserved one.

Suddenly, I became very drowsy, and I slowly let myself fall backwards and go to sleep.

 

            In the blackness, I chased the butterfly as usual. Everything was slow, and I chased it until it led me into a small room, with three shadows on three of the evenly sized walls.

            Two of the shadows were my size; the other was the size of a child.

            The three shadows stepped out from the wall.

            The large shadows were Vengeance and Justice. The small shadow was my one red eye.

            Vengeance was angry. “Joshua, you must let me kill the girl. She is next on the list. How dare you unfairly break the rules?”

            “It is not the girl who needs to be punished, it is Joshua himself. What’s done is done. The girl did nothing wrong, we should leave her alone and punish Joshua.” Justice said calmly.

            “Punishing the girl is like punishing Joshua. Mark my words Joshua. I will have Vengeance.” He said adamantly.

            “You fool. It is not right for the girl to suffer when she did nothing wrong…” Justice continued.

            “The girl is a mortal to be used as we see fit. She was meant to die anyway.”

            They continued to argue vehemently; until they both became so enraged they turned on me. Vengeance seized my neck and squeezed it as hard as he could. Justice, being the clear-headed of the two, pulled out a sword made of light and got ready to stab me with it. The whole time I was screaming for the one eyed, red-eyed child to help me; but he just stood there, mouth trembling, and a tear in his eye.

            “Please help me!” I screamed. “You’re the only one who can!”

 

            I woke up and shot upright. My two other eyes were closed and the only one that was open was my green eye. Heidi was awake too. She rubbed her eyes. “Are you okay Joshua? You were thrashing a moment ago…”

            Vengeance stared at her expressionlessly and wordlessly.

            She raised an eyebrow. “Joshua…?”

            Quick as a snake, Vengeance seized her neck and squeezed, she was trying to scream, grabbing my wrists and pinching them. She managed to draw blood, and Vengeance let her go. She ran away as fast as she could, but Vengeance was on his feet and after her in a moment. Being ten feet tall, he covered more ground than she did. He was closing in on her quickly, and his arm was so long he reached out and grabbed her long hair that was flowing behind her. He pulled her hair to yank her closer and she cried out in pain.

            He grabbed her neck, but this time, a wall of earth shot up from underneath Vengeance’s feet—he was knocked backwards, and a prison of hard earth was erected about him. The rest was all a blank to me.

 

            Someone shook me awake--the green child—Shankar. This time, I opened all three of my eyes. Shankar was looking ready to lock me up again if need be. “Are you feeling better?”

            I rubbed my temple. “Yes…”

            He smacked me. “I knew there wasn’t something right about you. The Great Shankar should have listened to his intuition and told you to leave.”

            Vengeance took over… without my permission. What was happening? Was it because I hadn’t allowed him to come out for so long? I was dangerous now, unless I could get this under control. Perhaps it was only a onetime thing, a force of habit because I was used to alternating between my three personas at certain time intervals.

            “Where is Heidi?”

            “I told her to go home…” Shankar said, shaking his head. “But she refused. She’s with Mom.”

            I walked past him, and headed for the tree in the middle of the forest. There Heidi was, looking a little scared. She backed up a little when she saw me, and then she realized I was back to normal. The wicked flame that had seized my heart had evaporated.

            I sat next to her silently, ready for her to give me the brush. I found myself not wanting to be alone—wanting to be selfish—I wanted her to stay with me.            “Who was that, Joshua…? He wasn’t like you at all. Was that… Vengeance?” She shook a little.

            “He still wants to kill you.” I had to be honest with her. She had a right to know what she was getting into, so she could back out if she wanted to.

            “Will he come back out…?” She asked.

            “Maybe.”

            “I… I still want to come.” She said.

            “Heidi I… can’t guarantee your safety.” I said somberly.

            She was silent, just looking thoughtful, and then she said, “tell me more about your eyes.”

 

            The next day, Shankar told us that, in order to leave, we just had to keep walking away from the forest, and we would end up at the spot Shankar said he had rescued us both at.

            So, we began walking. Heidi was silent, still shaken from earlier, understandably. I thought she was just about the bravest person I’d met. Willing to give everything and anything for someone she knew little about. It could have been that she was just reckless. She said often that she felt unphased by most everything in these past years of her life. She had seen the worst, and even her reactions to almost dying by the red vapors and me was more miniscule than I thought they’d be.

            Heidi was a little ahead of me, and when she took one further step away from me, she disappeared. A little worried, I headed after her.

            Suddenly, we were out of those barren lands and back onto land with grass growing on it, and only normal vapors to deal with. Even if it was dead grass, I was glad to see it. Shankar had taken us a little further.

            Silently, we kept moving. Even the air was hotter and more suffocating in this place, especially compared to the clean air of Shankar’s forest. Being a God, I normally didn’t even have to breathe, so this air was especially hard for me to breathe in.

            To be able to not think of it, I started a conversation with Heidi. “So Heidi… if you love dresses, why don’t you own more than one? I understand that your father was at least paying you for some of your work on the farm.”

            “This was the one dress I bought with my money. When he saw what I used it on, he beat me black and blue and he only allowed me to bathe twice a week. Not that it was that bad considering before he only allowed me to bathe once a week. I don’t want to talk about him… I get angry enough as it is. Do you really need Vengeance, Joshua? I mean… are you sure you can’t just Judge by yourself?” She changed the subject.

            “Yes.”

            “Your answers are always so short. You are so bad at carrying a conversation…” She turned her lip up and crossed her arms.

            “I’m sorry. We Gods don’t talk much; like I said, Heidi, if I judged by myself, I would be far too partial,” I explained. “I would wish to save every mortal I liked, and that isn’t… isn’t…” I touched my yellow eye. My head was throbbing. I had a flash of about a million mortals dying, and then I was seeing things differently.

            My two other eyes closed for a moment, and I was Justice.

            “Joshua…?” She asked. She looked up at me and saw that my other two eyes were closed. Instinctively, she ran.

            Justice chased after her. When he caught up and grabbed her arm, he simply looked at her sincerely. She was screaming for a moment, her eyes closed—and then she opened her eyes—she was silent and very still, and then she understood. “I see. You’re not the one who tried to kill me before. You’re Justice, not Vengeance. Next time you see Joshua, make sure you tell him I think he’s very depressed deep down… if he must rely on you. I can’t believe that he is actually… well maybe he is a God after all.”

            Justice let her go, and they walked together for many hours. Justice was strong, and he didn’t need water as often as I did. And also unlike me, he was willing to touch Heidi far more often than I was. Even though I liked Heidi, the taboo of becoming too close with a mortal always frightened me to no end.

After running along for a bit, Justice and Heidi had to scale a large hill, and Justice carried her when she started to get a little tired.

            When they climbed down the other side, a rather large city was in sight.

            “Saluna… we can rest here for the night.” Heidi said to herself.

            With that, Justice let go of his hold on me, and I was Joshua again. “Good. Justice just about made me bone-tired.” I immediately placed her on the ground.

            Heidi grinned. “Good, you’re back. Justice is okay, but he’s even worse company.”

            I gave her my patented half-hearted smile. “I know…”

            “You need to learn how to insult me back… you’re just no fun…” She looked from me to the city. “I’ve always loved cities… Come on. I’ve got some gold; we can stay the night at a trashy inn.”

            She looked at me with a smile. “I’ll race you!” She began sprinting towards the city.

            I smiled and dashed after her. She was a lot of fun to be around.

            I caught up to her quickly, taking long strides and feeling a competitive spirit I hadn’t felt in a long time. I soon overtook her and stepped into the city with a laugh and a happy grin.

            The city was much larger than Heidi’s village, with buildings packed closely together and set upon cobble-stone like most cities. There were houses, and schools and bakeries and farms… mortals always had to make things so complex.

            Heidi followed soon after and panted; hands on her knees, black hair sprawled over her shoulder with a smile on her face. “Well, it’s not fair, I’ve got these little hooves and you’ve got those long legs…”

            “No excuse, I…” We were interrupted by a scream.

            There was a man on his way home at night, and someone came out of the shadows and threatened the man. Heidi, without a second thought, rushed over. I followed at a leisurely pace. She was too late, the man was already stabbed, and the mugger ran off with whatever gold he had. He was alive, but the blood was draining fast.

            The old man grabbed Heidi’s arm. She had a devastated look on her face, and she propped the old man up on her lap. “My kids…” He said.

            “Shh… I’ll get you some help. Joshua, can’t you heal him if you are a God?” She asked.

            I could, but I wanted to reserve what power I had left. “No, I can’t.”

            She got to her feet. “I’ll go find him help. You stay here with him.”

            “Heidi, wait--”

            She was already up and running, though. I stiffly kneeled by the man’s side, which was hard for someone who was ten feet tall, he grabbed my arm. “Are you an angel…?”

            “No.”

            “Y-you…” He coughed. “Don’t need to lie. You’ve come to rescue this world haven’t you? From the vapors, from the evil people… my children will grow up with clean air…”

            I couldn’t listen to this, a bitter from tugged at my lip and I looked away with closed eyes… I touched his forehead and put him to sleep for the time being. Heidi came running in with a healer. I got to my feet and stepped aside. Heidi watched worriedly, and I watched vacantly.

            The healer, whose name was Jiana, put her hands on the man’s bloody side. “He’s losing a lot of blood. I might need one of you to give him some.”

            Heidi volunteered. Jiana cut Heidi’s finger open a little with a knife. First, the healer replaced as much of the man’s own blood as she could, and then she took as much of Heidi’s as she could without hurting her. Now I was a little worried. “Heidi, don’t…”

            She gave me a sharp look, and I let her alone.

            Jiana patched up the man’s wound with magic, and Heidi paid her however much gold the woman had asked for. She shook the old man awake.

            “Am I… alive?”

            Heidi nodded. “Where do you live?”

            “Just around the corner,” the man said weakly.

            I was a little confused. I thought humans only helped each other when there was something to gain, but Heidi had proved me wrong once again. She had nothing to gain, but money to lose. She didn’t care. I wondered what it was that drove such a generous spirit. Maybe she was just born that way, or maybe, she just wanted everyone to live a better life than the one she had gotten.

            Once the man was safe and at home, I decided to ask her. “Why did you do that?”

            She sighed tiredly from loss of blood. “You still don’t get it, do you? We aren’t all the same.”

            “But you didn’t get anything in return for doing that…” I said, confused.

            “I don’t need a reward for doing something decent. Just think about that man’s kids—what it would do to them if their father never came home--if they found him dead in the street the next morning—it would kill them.” She said solemnly. “If you had someone you loved, you might understand….”

            I looked at her dazedly. “You’re killing yourself all the faster.”

            She gave me a look with a coy smile. “Why do you care? C’mon, I’ll find us an inn.”

            I dreamed a purple dream. I was up in the clouds where I belonged, and back to being content. I was safe again up there. Safe from the things I never wanted to remember or acknowledge about myself. I wanted to block the world out, as I’d done for these past hundreds of years. But that pink butterfly flew right in front of my face again, and told me to start running. But the last time I ran, all those years ago…

            My legs were moving before I could even think, and the butterfly led my into a thick mist, where the child with the red eye was, looking withdrawn and quiet as always. He was angry and depressed; his mind so stormy it made his mind hot and he couldn’t think clearly. He looked disgusted with himself. I was disgusted with him too.

            “No punishment will ever be enough for you,” I said bitterly. “Look at you. So pathetic you can’t even speak anymore. Why did you have to do this to us? But I want you back… I am nothing without you. I want your spirit…”

            The child disappeared, and I was alone.

 

            Heidi and I were on the road again the next day, and she noticed me looking solemn. Well, more solemn than usual. “Bad dreams…?” She asked.

            I put a hand to my light head. “Yes.”

            “You’re not becoming Vengeance, are you?”

            “No. I feel angry, but I don’t want to feel angry ever again.”

            “Who are you angry at? Me?” She smiled.

            “Myself.”

            “Come on Joshua. I know I’m hard at you, but the truth is, I know you do your best. You don’t need to be angry at yourself.” She said cheerily.

            “You’re a better person than me Heidi. You deserve my spot in The Above…”

            She was taken aback, and she stopped in her tracks for a moment. “I’m not special, Joshua. I don’t know why you think I am. You know I’m hardly even a lady. I don’t even have a proper dress…”

            “There are tons of other people in the world who have done far greater deeds. Maybe even you. I’ve realized, Joshua, that even though you kill good people, you also get rid of bad people. You should be admired for your job, I’m sorry no one worships you anymore.”

            Suddenly, my mind cleared a little and I felt imbued with some sort of strength, akin to the strength I felt when my powers were not stripped away. Was her sudden belief in me imbuing me with some power?

            “Thank you, Heidi. It’s more than just your deeds that make you special I…” I didn’t know what it was. Because she was dirty, and certainly not thin as a rail--although she wasn’t obese either—I knew I wasn’t attracted to her. It had to have been her spirit. The way she didn’t take anything from anyone, the way she stood up for herself and others, the way she didn’t favor any one person, no matter their status, over another; the way she smiled… made me feel sick to my stomach.

            “Don’t tell me you’re in love,” she joked and started moving again.

             “Gods should not love mortals.” I told her seriously.

            “Beneath you?” She glanced at me as she walked.

            “It shall drive them mad.”

            “Mad…?” She climbed up a grassy hill, which I, being so tall, could simply step up onto.

            “Yes, if a God falls in love with a mortal, or vice-versa, both their minds become tainted. They are sickened by an incurable disease. I am afraid my brother was afflicted by such a disease.”

            “By who? The queen of the Mahesha? Is that why you’re headed there?” Heidi asked.

            “Yes… he hasn’t been the same for years. He told me to go to the Mahesha.”

            “Is that why you seem so sad? You miss your brother?” She was empathetic, which was strange for her. She didn’t like anyone to play the pity card, and she rarely played it herself.

            “I am all the lonelier without his friendship.”

            “I didn’t think anyone could miss a God of Death, even his brother…” She replied thoughtfully.

            “A lot of people say that… a lot of the Gods themselves had my brother pegged as evil, or distant, or antisocial. No one knew who he really was, how far he would go to protect me, how special he was… he’s still special, and I miss him. You never realize how much you love someone until they shut you out of their life.” We climbed down the hill and Heidi slipped and nearly fell. I caught her. “Careful…” I said quietly and righted her.

            She pushed me away awkwardly “Thanks. Does he still love you…?”

            I thought about it. “No. I don’t think so.”

            “Then what’s your plan to get him to stop killing needlessly?”

            “I will talk to him.”

            “He doesn’t sound stable from what you’ve been telling me. He probably won’t listen… he may try to kill you.”

            “If he tries, I will speak his Truename.” I said.

            “Truename?”

            “It is the birthname of a God. If you speak it, you gain control over the said God. Most Gods keep their names hidden from each other, but since we grew up together, I and Death already knew each other’s names. I suppose… he never used my name beforehand because he knew he’d get in trouble with Weather…? I don’t know why he’s doing this in the first place. I know the mortal woman has tainted his mind, but I thought maybe…”

            “Weather…? Nevermind, don’t tell me. But, why don’t you just speak his name now?” Heidi asked.

            “I need to be face-to-face with him. Also, I wouldn’t do that unless it was the last choice left to me. Gods never recover from that reputation once their Truename is spoken.”

            She looked at me then, a little surprised. She realized just how much I’d given up to save her life, and she looked away guiltily.

            I thought about saying something to alleviate her guilt, but Heidi wasn’t the sort to appreciate that.

 

            We were walking along when the wind died and everything got very silent on flat, green ground.. I stopped in my tracks. “Heidi,” I said, “come here.”

            Nikolai snapped into existence where Heidi was standing. “Good, you got out of the village… what is that doing with you?” He pointed at Heidi.

            She crossed her arms. “What’s your problem? I’m not an object…”

            “Your brother wants you and you alone. If you bring anyone else, there will be trouble.”

            I stepped towards him. “What do you know of Death? How did you know he’s my brother?”

            “Back off three eyes…” Nikolai covered his mouth. Realizing he gave away something he shouldn’t have.

            Nikolai crouched and took out a knife. “Look, tell the girl to leave or she’ll get hurt is all I’m saying.” He changed the subject quickly. “I didn’t want to kill you, but…”

            I looked at the boy very intently. “You look familiar.”

            He ignored me and charged. He was fast, and he almost got me, but I sidestepped out of the way. Heidi moved aside, intelligent enough to know she was no fighter and could not keep up with Gods.

            Nikolai was quicker than a lightning bolt. Things got worse when he grabbed a second knife from a sheath on his belt. He kept swiping at me, and I was staying barely ahead of him. Fed up, I grabbed one of his wrists. Something invigorated in me then, and the yellow and the red eye closed. I started bending his wrist backwards. He yelped in pain. Vengeance dug his nails into Nikolai’s wrist until it bled.

            My other two eyes opened again, shocked at what they saw. Nikolai took that moment to swipe at my wrist. I’d never been hurt before, and my golden blood leaked out. I looked at it dazedly. Nikolai was about to plunge the knife into me, but he hesitated for a moment, defeated by his own conscience. Then, he shook his head and swung down—

            He fell over, and Heidi was standing behind him with a rock in her hand. She tossed it aside.

            She lent me a hand, examining my wrist as she did so. “You need a Healer.”

            “That doesn’t help Gods….” I said, losing my voice. “Gods can only use their own powers to heal themselves, and I don’t have enough right now… We need the boy.”

            She raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

            I fell to my knees again. Heidi attempted to steady me, but of course I was too big. She settled for holding my forearms as I breathed harshly. “He is part God.”

            “Part God…?”

            “Yes… I didn’t think my brother was so far gone as to…” I sucked in through my teeth again. I felt awful. Both physically and mentally. I couldn’t accept that it was impossible to get my brother back. I was losing him, and finding out he had a child was all the more devastating.

            Heidi took the knives from Nikolai and grabbed her flask. She dumped water on Nikolai’s face.

            He woke up and shook his yellow head. “Rude! You little witch… sneaking up on people is not fair.”

            “You’re the one who teleported in here unannounced,” Heidi stood in front of him as he pulled himself up and she put his own knife to his throat. “Heal my friend.”

            “Please, you’re so short and nonthreatening you give me a reason to feel superior. Oops, I mean… I’ve never been too good at insults,” he rubbed the back of his neck.

            “Shut up and heal him!” She said, exasperated.

            He pulled his clothes down and tried to look as tall as imposing as possible. “Fine,” he turned around and faced me. He saw how much blood I was losing and looked a little shocked. “I really didn’t wish to hurt you, I’m sorry… it’s just, I wanted to impress my Mother…”

            “And—and…” I panted, “your father.”

            Nikolai looked up at me. “Well, yes, I suppose.” He said enigmatically.

            He looked down for a moment. He was wearing a big cloak as he was when we met before that covered his arms. He removed his cloak and handed it to Heidi, revealing another set of small arms. It made me sick to look at him. The Mahesha had four arms, and because he was half-God and half-Mahesha, two of his four arms were tiny and useless. It was hard to look at.

             He grabbed my wrist with his two good arms and closed his eyes. He chanted some words under his breath, and I felt the wound close. I breathed a sigh of relief.

            “Well, anyway,” Nikolai said awkwardly. “I guess I ought to be going.”

            He turned around and was about to snap his fingers when I grabbed his wrists. I got very close to his face. “You are my nephew.”

            “No… I…”

            “It’s your fault my brother has lost his sanity; the moment you were born it began slipping.”

            My yellow and green eyes closed, and only the red one was left open.

            “My Father made that choice!” He cried. “He-he told me what you’re capable of…. Let me go, please.” There were tears in his eyes.

            Heidi watched and shook her head. “Let him go, Joshua,” she said quietly. “He’s mostly harmless.”

            I let him go—my other two eyes opening—I had a grip again.

            Nikolai wiped his eyes and sniffled. “Bully. Life is hard enough for me as it is without you making it worse!” He snapped his fingers and disappeared.

            Heidi stared at me for a moment. Not angry or sad, just monotonously. She blinked and then looked at her feet and breathed in a sigh.

            I reached out to grab her shoulder—willingly, which was strange for me--but she kept moving. “Come on,” she said.

 

            When we set up camp later that night, Heidi was still non-communicative. She looked distant and forlorn. She looked for all the world like she was back under her father’s thumb, being tormented daily.

            “Heidi…” I began.

            “You could have seriously hurt that boy…” She interrupted.

            “Well, he could have hurt me, too…” I said, and then, “Are you worried for your own safety?”

            “No,” she looked into the fire. “Joshua, are you really the God of Justice?”

            “Yes. I have told you this many times.”

            “Then why…Why are you so willing to kill us? Am I really so disgusting to you?”

            “Not you. Others.”

            “Nikolai is your own nephew and you were willing to hurt him!”

            “Nikolai is a brat! It’s his fault my brother has turned into a monster.” That was The Red Eye speaking once again; my other eyes opened afterwards.

            “Your brother made his choice. He knew the consequences. You can’t blame a child for their parents’ mistake.” Heidi said defensively.

            I realized, in a way, she was speaking of herself. Heidi’s father was a terrible man, and my saying that Nikolai was a brat just because of the fact he was born, and how he was born, was like saying she was too.

            “That’s different… you are a wonderful…” I stopped myself. I just couldn’t say how I really felt about her. I supposed there must have been a reason I had watched her for so long in The Above… but I could never put my finger on it.

            She wouldn’t look me in the eyes, which was something that at one time never bothered me, but now it bothered me profusely. “You hate us for nothing, don’t you…?” She murmured sadly. “You won’t even give us a chance…”

            “I told you. If you’d seen the things I’ve seen…”

            “You have a grudge against us.”

            I looked at her vacantly. “I will not discuss such things with you.”

            “I know people have to die, but you wanted to hurt that boy because you were biased towards him. You were not judging fairly. I thought… I thought you were a just God, I began to admire you for it… I’ve been through things too Joshua, but I still love people.”

            “There is no justice where I am involved Heidi. That’s why I let Justice and Vengeance do the judging. I—I am angry… my head becomes hot, a mist hangs over my head…”

             “You seem calm right now,” she said quietly. “I want you to realize, the way I had to, that even though some people are wretched, you can’t hate all of them just because a few rotten ones. Maybe then you’ll love them again.”

            “I am not human Heidi. I do not need love to get by.”

            “You don’t?” She asked a little skeptically. “You love your brother… and you… you saved my life.”

            “Are you insinuating that I love a mortal?” I was disgusted. “How dare you…”

            “Well, you must have been looking after me for a reason…”

            “Say no more.” I demanded, crossing my arms.

            “You’re my friend Joshua; I thought you might love me at least in that way… Nobody else has, except for my brother…”

            I at once wanted to be away from her and strangely found I wanted to hold her in my arms as I did before. I also found that I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I was truly being affected by the Mortal Disease.

            The next day, as we travelled, we came upon an incredibly large, dark forest that went on for miles. We entered together. It was dark as night inside the forest, and very cool inside because of it. It was a shaggy forest with fallen and low-hanging branches everywhere. There were plenty of vegetation and odd plants as well. It had been a long time since I walked among mortals, and some of this plant-life was completely foreign to me…

              “This is Elysia. Remember Katharos’ friend, Asher? This is where he’s from.  His people are mostly peaceful. They’re a little barbaric, but if you treat them with respect you’ll do fine,” Heidi explained.

            I looked down at her as we walked along. “Why do you know that?”

            She started walking again and I followed her. “Because…” she sounded choked, “my father used to shove fresh produce in a bag and told me to travel far and wide to sell it—this was the excess food that didn’t sell--he’d lock me out until I did… sometimes the people in the small town we were at before, Saluna, would buy it all, but sometimes I had to go further. I’d end up here, and they’d pay a handsome price for the produce because they have to hunt for most of their food, and they prefer buying to save themselves the danger,”

            She was lost in thought for a moment. I wanted to offer physical comfort, but I couldn’t. “I’m sorry about earlier, by the way. I know you don’t really love me. I have to admit, it might be pretty flattering to think myself beloved by a God…” She smiled softly, tired and thoughtful.

            “I never want you to end up like that Hephzibah woman, Heidi. Besides, I want you to find someone who truly loves you. Not someone who… who might love you one day and not the next,” I told her simply.

            “No one is ever going to love someone as ugly as me, Joshua.” She said, shaking her head.

            “Heidi,” I said as I ducked under the branch of a tree. “You are not ugly. I think you are beautiful. Even if you are not the average standard of beauty in other people’s eyes.”

            She laughed. “I don’t know who you think you’ve been walking with, but even if you cleaned me up and put me in the best clothes ever, I still couldn’t hold a candle to most girls…”

            “You don’t see yourself through my eyes…” I said distantly.

            She stopped for a moment, just in front of me. “And what do I look like to you?”

            I tapped her shoulder and then bent over and looked her right in the eyes. She looked into mine and saw herself. She blushed. “I look terrible compared to you.”

            I smiled a little. “You look like a princess.”

            Being tall, it was hard making my way through the forest without hitting my head on the gigantic tree branched or tripped on rocks that I couldn’t see because of my high height. Heidi had to move out of the way when it looked like I might fall down. She attempted to hold my hand to try and guide me through, but I refused. I would not touch her if I could help it. After many hours of falling down and being scratched by tree-branches, we came to a large clearing in the forest. In the clearing was a bustling, giant, primitive village. Elysia, Heidi called it. They lived in huts spread about; all of them were Elysians like Asher. There wore scant clothing like Asher. The houses here were mostly made out of clay and were only big enough to contain small families.

            Some of them looked my way. One ran inside a nearby hut that was slightly more ornate than the rest.

            “Joshua?” A familiar voice asked. I looked down and to my right.

            “Katharos?” I didn’t know why, but I nearly cried with joy when I saw him. It must have been the Mortal Disease assaulting me with mortal emotions. I knelt down and embraced him. “What are you doing here?”

            “I’m here on official business. I’m afraid war with the Mahesha might no longer be avoidable… I am here to gain allies. My people are dying quickly, and the other day a troop of Mahesha marched into my country—killing as they went—they were orders from Hephzibah…” For a moment, I didn’t even notice Asher lurking behind Katharos, always ready to leap in front of him to save his life. I wondered why that was.

            “Katharos, promise me you’ll withhold on that war until I speak with my brother.” I begged him. “Maybe I can get him to stop needlessly killing.”

            “I--” he was interrupted by the sound of my stomach rumbling. He laughed. “How about some food?”

            I smiled sheepishly. “That sounds good.”

            He looked at me, a little surprised. “You seem different.”

            “How so?” I asked.

            “You seem… warmer.” He said, smiling. “Come, the Elysians make excellent food.”

 

            I sat next to Katharos in the chief’s hut, and Heidi sat on my other side. The concept of needing to eat food was still alien to me. But, I supposed as far as food went, the food here was relatively excellent, and I felt rejuvenated. But it wasn’t the food. I honestly felt some of my old power be restored in the depths of my soul. “Katharos, I suddenly feel a million times better…”

            “Food that good?” He laughed.

            “No, I mean… I feel restored,” I explained. “Like some of my power has come back.”

            Katharos thought for a moment. “You saved a child back in Heidi’s village, right?”

            “What does that…?”

            “I was just thinking… maybe they started worshipping you again.” Katharos suggested.

            It made as much sense as anything else. And maybe that old man I helped back in Saluna had spread the word about me as well… the thought that I might be being worshipped again filled me with inspiration and a small power like I hadn’t felt in years welling deep within the depths my soul. To be believed in… I forgot how special it was. I forgot how much I… how enjoyable mortals could be.

            “I think you’re right…” I said quietly to him. I smiled a little.

            Katharos cut a piece of meat off of his steak and gave me a look. “You hardly ever smile… are you afraid you’ll be punished or something?”

            Heidi nudged me. “He’s just a stick in the mud. He doesn’t like us, I don’t know why everyone’s started to believe in him again,” she joked.

            She was joking, but there was a sound in her voice that told me she was slightly serious. And I was hurt… I wanted her to believe in me.

            Eventually, Katharos began talking politics with the chief of Elysia.

            While everyone else was distracted, I snuck off into the village to explore.

           

            I walked about, feeling a little down. Feeling this power in the pit of my soul brought back a feeling of omnipotence that I hadn’t felt in a long time. But I was also stuck on the fact that Heidi didn’t believe in me. This was a selfish, human desire I realized. It wasn’t enough to have so many people believe in me, I had to have her belief. I saw an old Elysian sewing human dresses. I put a hand on my cheek, and then I decided to walk on over. “Hello,” I greeted her.

            She looked up at me. “Katharos told me about you. I am honored with your presence, Justice,” She bowed to me lowly.

            My spirit was buoyed again, and I felt undeserving. “Why are you sewing dresses for humans?”

            “Well, as you can see, the women here don’t really need them,” she said with a slight smile. The women were about as bare as the men, with the exception of a piece of fabric tied in the back covering their chests.

            “Yes, I see… but why, then?”

            “I sell them to humans in foreign towns. They like exotic dresses. It’s a pain traveling, but worth the money.”

            I eyed them. Which one would Heidi like…? There was one there, a bright yellow color I thought she would like… If only I had money….

            The old woman smiled gently. “Would you like one, Justice?”

            Suddenly, I didn’t feel comfortable when she called me that. “I would, but I haven’t any of your money…”

            “It is no trouble,” she handed me the dress.

            “But, I shall feel dishonest… can I do anything for you at all?”  I said, rubbing my arm uncomfortably.

            “Well…” She looked away. “Nevermind. That’s too much to ask…”

            “No, I wish to know,” I had a little power welling in me again. I could help her with something small.

            She looked at me silently for a minute. “Well… my son is sick. We don’t have healers in this village, and I’m afraid he might not make it, because I can’t afford to hire a healer.”

            I looked to the side. I had to finally start asking myself; was it okay to take such things into my own hands without Justice and Vengeance? I wanted to help her… I thought it was the right thing to do, but I also thought, regardless of whether you’re good or evil, young or old, you had to let some people die. It was part of the cycle of fairness. But Heidi would…

            She was only a mortal, why was I adhering to her views? She didn’t know what it was like to keep the balance. I would ask Vengeance or Justice, but I was afraid they would take over… for perhaps forever if I wasn’t careful. They had the stronger personalities, and I felt weak without them.

            But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to bend the rules just this time. “I’ll take a look,”

            She was ecstatic. She clapped her hands together. “You will…?” She was almost in tears, and she was looking at me through worshipping eyes. She bowed low to me. I was embarrassed. I felt silly…

            I knelt down and touched her shoulders. “Please don’t do that; I am unworthy. Let’s take a look at your son.”

            She looked into my eyes intently, and then she nodded, got to her feet, and I followed her to her hut. Her son was there, sleeping heavily, and breathing harshly. He was young, maybe an adolescent. The trouble was, when you were there with the mortals, you developed an intimacy and unconditional love for them regardless of whether or not you wanted to. They were all so unique. The lines on every mortal’s face differing from the next, all their personalities so different, hair, eyes… all of these things made them special, and made every single culture beautiful and a joy to be around. I saw every line on this child’s face… his hair was ebony black, his nose was small and flat, and he was wearing more clothes than most of the Elysians. This could have been a quirk of his personality, or perhaps it was a sign that as their species evolved, they became more intelligent and wore more clothes, as was a sign with most intelligent creatures. He had particularly creative tattoos and a single pinky missing from his hand. This told me enough about him so that I couldn’t back out. I was reminded too much of his mortality.

            I breathed in. It’d been awhile now since I brought back the child’s life in Heidi’s village, and that was the last truly tiring thing I did. I closed my green and yellow eyes, and opened my red one. I touched my middle finger and index fingers to my forehead, and I felt the familiar ancient pulse of magic pour from my eyes, and then I touched the child’s forehead with those same fingers.

            The child’s mother was clasping her hands together, not daring to breathe. I moved aside so the she could see her child, with his eyes open, and his even breathing, and his skin a healthy tone.

            She burst into tears and embraced her child. I watched, intrigued, leaning my head to the side. Mortals were such emotional creatures. It was no wonder that they could turn violent so easily. I had seen a human once, who had been perfectly pleasant. Pleasant family, a fortune dropped into their lap, a wonderful husband… but she was still never happy.

            But this was different from what I’d seen before. It was not the kind of selfish, close-minded, crude behavior I’d come to expect from mortals. This was special… it was something that I craved even though I knew I shouldn’t. It had to do with selflessness—wanting to suffer in the place of someone you cared about—it had to do with love.

            The boy looked over his Mom’s shoulder. “Who is that?” He pointed at me.

            I smiled. “No one special,”

            The boy smiled back, but said nothing. It was all the thanks I ever needed.

 

            After that, Heidi found me wandering outside near the surrounding trees. I hid the dress behind my back. She sighed a sigh of relief. “For a second I thought you’d given up and left us at the mercy of your brother…”

            “I wouldn’t do that…” I protested.

            She didn’t look convinced. And why should she? The way I’d acted around her, and treated mortals in general.

            “Heidi, I have something…”

            “Hold on Joshua. Just where did you go?”

            “Well I--”

            “What’ve you got behind your back?” She interrupted.

            “It’s for you,” I brought the dress out and handed it to her.

            Her eyes gleamed. She took it from me. “This is beautiful… where did you get it?”

            “A woman here sells them,” I explained.

            “But you don’t have any money. How’d you pay for it?” She asked absently as she unfolded the dress to get a good look at it. “So pretty…”

            “Does it matter?” I asked.

            She raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t rob her, did you?”

            “No, I saved her son’s life.” I said truthfully.

            She was skeptical. “…why?”

            “I am not heartless…”

            “Does a God need a heart?” She wondered. “Is it best for you not to have one?”

            “As of right now, it is.” We stared at each other for a moment. I didn’t know why I said that.

            A slow smile came to her face. “You’re silly. Thanks Joshua, it’s wonderful…” She nudged me playfully. She walked off as Katharos joined me. “She seems happy,” Katharos stated.

            I smiled. “Yes. But how are your negotiations going?”

            “Good… but, a messenger arrived earlier with a message from Hephzibah. She’d like to negotiate with me.” He said, looking exhausted.

            I looked at him sharply. I knew the type of person he was. “Katharos, you can’t trust her.”

            He looked to the side. “Joshua… if I have the chance to resolve things peacefully, I must try.”

            “No. You’ll be killed. You can’t go.” I told him sternly.

            “I’ll take a big entourage. Don’t worry.” He said confidently.

            If he died, I wouldn’t know what I’d do. He was a true and innocent spirit. He was one of two people I was willing to sacrifice everything for in the world. My life would be… dark without him.

            “We’re going there too. We may as well go together.” I insisted.

            Katharos looked like he didn’t want me to come. He looked as if whatever might happen to him, he didn’t want me to be there to observe. He didn’t want me to hate mortals forever and fall into a well of despair, and he knew I would if I saw him killed. Because me and Katharos, we had a bond, a bond based on faith and belief. It was irrational, but I knew I always had Katharos’ love and belief, and of course, I returned it without a second thought. It was an automatic response. And I’d watched over him for so long, I liked to think of him as something of a distant son. He wasn’t like the other mortals; he was special.

            But in the end, he had no reason to object, he simply said, “very well. But you can’t get in the way of a peace treaty. I must get our two peoples to see that the other is not made up of only cruel people.”

            “They will be disappointed. Come Katharos… you of all people must acknowledge what these people are like… they’ll end up killing you for even suggesting getting along. ”

            “I know you’ve seen the worst in them, but if you don’t believe in them, who will?” Katharos told me.

            “Be realistic. I simply don’t wish you to be hurt…” I said quietly.

            “If being realistic means having no faith In others, then I have no wish to be realistic. I’ll be careful. There is no reason to worry.” He assured me. “Now, how about you get some sleep? I know you need it now.” Katharos suggested.

            I looked about. The sky was indeed dark now. The stars were out and I felt the wind bristle through my yellow hair. I touched a hand to my cheek. There was something lovely about the cool air and the scent it brought with it… something about the way night felt that I loved. It had been many, many years since I set foot on The Below. I forgot about the certain things I loved about it, and one was the temperature. The temperature was always perfect in The Above, but I loved the excitement of being someplace dangerous—of exploring—of meeting new people. At least… I did when I was younger.

            I sat down for an hour or so, just enjoying the night air. Deep within my soul, I was beginning to feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time. My soul had opened up, and I felt it filled with contentment. But then I frowned.

            I was beginning to feel like myself from long ago again. Was that really such a bad thing? Could I possibly move on now? Had I felt bad for long enough? What did I accomplish, by being unhappy?

            “Joshua… it’s really late. You should go to bed.” Heidi said, sitting next to me, hugging her knees. “What happened? You look a little upset…”

            I said nothing for a moment. “I wish to go home.” I finally said.

            She frowned. “You’re always saying that… Are you sure you wouldn’t rather stay down here? You might do us better if you stayed among us.”

            I looked up at the sky for a moment. “Heidi, long ago, I went among mortals. They were selfish. I gave them everything, and they still asked for more. They were never happy. To try and teach them a lesson, I left them and decided to live in The Above with the other Gods, and I stopped giving them everything. They lost faith in me, just because I wouldn’t take care of their every need. They were disgusting, entitled, childish… and I washed my hands of them. I loved them, and they couldn’t care less about me unless I was babying them.”

            Heidi looked at me thoughtfully. “I thought you didn’t care at all… it’s nice to know you do. Or at least you once did. I wish you’d stay… I’d enjoy your company, for as long as the time I have left.”

            I lifted an arm, almost touching her without thinking. She wasn’t looking my way. And I felt miserable as I clenched my fist and lay it back down next to me. I closed my eyes with a miserable frown. “You can go back to bed.”

            She shrugged and said, “Joshua, if your brother is killing humans at an unusual rate, why don’t the other Gods stop him?”

            “The other Gods do not look upon humans very often. They will not notice them dying at an unusual rate.”

            She seemed a little shocked. “You’re the only one who…? Why?”

            “There is no reason for most of them to. Their jobs are much different from mine.”

            “Why don’t the Gods not want to look upon their own creations? Why don’t they care at all about us?” She demanded to know.

            “We did not make you Heidi. We have simply been your silent guardians. There… was a time when all we Gods were involved in your lives. We wanted to ensure your happiness, but we grew apart. We discovered that us being so involved in your lives is bad. You grew dependent upon us; you demanded from us, you were greedy children. We wanted you to grow… and I think in a lot of ways you have. It was hard to become detached from you, but it was for the best.”

            “You didn’t make us? Then why does everyone worship you? What have you ever done for us?” She snapped.

            “We gave you culture and morals. That’s what Weather says, anyway.” I shrugged.

            She shook her head. “How can you turn your backs on us for so long? All the wars, suffering, prejudice, you simply ignore our suffering… how cruel can you be to be able to do that?”

            I became silent and thoughtful for a moment. I wanted to make her understand. I wanted her affection. I asked her, “Heidi, if you were in my position, would you constantly be looking down on me, solving my problems and rescuing me wherever you could?”

            “I-I… I’m not in your position, so I can’t answer.” She said nervously, but then she shook her head determinedly. “But I know for sure I would rescue the people who have been suffering for years for no good reason.”

            I looked down at my shoes, and then straight at Heidi. “I know I’ve failed you, and I’m sorry Heidi, but you must understand why there must be a rift between us,”

            She was silent. And then she said, “I don’t want there to be a rift between us,” she leaned on my shoulder and wrapped an arm about me. I cringed, but after a moment, feeling cold and sad, I leaned my head upon hers.

            I always expected so much of humans. I expected them to have grown past their primal urges, their need for killing one another, sacrificing one another, and simply not caring for anyone but themselves. It hurt the most to want someone to succeed and then see them fail you.

             But I was the same as well. If it weren’t for the other Gods, I would still be interfering in mortals’ lives, not for their own good, but because I wanted to feel good about myself—feel like I was in control and bettering something—but I couldn’t expect them to be better if I wasn’t. 

 

            The butterfly seemed to be spinning out of control. It no longer knew where it was going, or perhaps it knew, but it also knew where it wanted to go was not possible. It was leading me in circles over and over again… I stilled chased it, and as I did, it kept plummeting closer and closer to the ground.

            “Joshuaaaa…” A voice murmured from the darkness around me and the butterfly. I looked about. Vengeance was standing behind me, and I was overcome with fear. I covered my eyes and trembled.

            Vengeance’s cold green eyes came very close to mine. “You know these mortals are not worth your time. They will only fail you again and again. I will help you detach from them again when you awaken. I will kill the boy you saved, and then you will see how fast they turn on you. Even though mortals need to die, they will hate you for it. They are shallow, small-minded creatures, unable to see the bigger picture.”

            “Leave me alone.” I protested-- my voice barely above a whisper. I felt like a child.

            “Why did you save her? Do you wish to have love when a God should have no need of it? That’s always been your problem, hasn’t it? You can’t escape your need for acceptance. Your craving for deeper connections outside of a life that must be muted and balanced.”

            Justice appeared next to him then. “He is correct. A God should have no need of love. It is bad for all those involved. Joshua needs to learn his lesson, and therefore, we should teach it to him. I should expose the truth about mortals to him. That they do not really and truly appreciate anything he does for them—that the only reason they praise him, is so that he will save them from their problems without asking anything in return. And once everyone stops worshipping him, even the winged child… well, he is familiar with what will happen.”

            “Shut up Justice. The lesson will only stick if we kill someone he loves. First the boy he just rescued, and then Heidi. You cannot let that girl walk about. She is no longer meant to be here. And that Katharos brat is the worst of all. So high-and-mighty. I’ve been dying to kill him since Joshua first laid eyes on him.”

            “I can’t listen to this!” I screamed, clapping my hands over my ears and falling to my knees. “Why? Why won’t you help me? Stand up for me?”

            I was speaking to the boy with the red eye. “Please… I can’t take it anymore…”

           

            When I awoke the next morning, I sneezed which was a new sensation, and I realized I’d slept outside. Someone had put a blanket on me, however, and I realized it must have been Heidi. But I was startled and I backed up when I found all of the Elysians were staring at me. They bowed low to me.

            “Justice…” they murmured in unison.

            Katharos was watching, and was the only one who was not bowing. But he was smiling. I felt so imbued with power that I raised my arms and let it flow throughout my body. I got to my feet and felt a certain renewed love and devotion for mortals.

            The woman must have told them about how I rescued her son. And I was proud of myself… for the first time in a long time. “Thank you…” I said quietly.

            I heard them murmuring among themselves. “So humble!” I heard one say, “so glorious!” said another.

            I was brushing my hands against many of them lovingly, walking through the crowd towards Katharos, when I had a memory of the night before.

            My red and yellow eyes closed. The green eye of Vengeance focused on Katharos. Katharos looked confused for a moment, but he knew something was wrong. Something told him to turn and run. A thunderbolt struck right where Katharos had been, and Vengeance was running so fast that he left the mind of Joshua behind. I nearly blacked out, and I heard someone saying, “Has Katharos done something wrong…?”

            Vengeance caught up to Katharos in moments. He was going so fast that Katharos was knocked back and fell down. Vengeance caught Katharos by the scruff of his shirt, and was going to touch his forehead with his forefinger and pinky; how Gods took life. Vengeance’s fingers got closer and closer, and just as I was about to steal his life, a strong arm grabbed mine.

            It was Asher. He had a look on his face like he knew this would happen. He was strong. Really strong. He started bending Vengeance’s arm backwards. Katharos got to his feet and ran into the woods.

            Vengeance had no quarrel with Asher. He used his powers to heat up his arms until he burned Asher. Asher grunted and let go. Vengeance was going to run past, but then he remembered something. Asher was on Justice’s to kill list. Justice had finally recognized Asher as a man who had killed many others. Mostly Maheshans.

            The yellow eye opened, and all others closed. Justice wanted him dead. He seized Asher’s wrist and pulled him towards him; socking him in the stomach. He crumpled to the ground, but before Justice could touch his forehead, Asher kicked Justice in the shin while clutching his side. Justice reeled back in pain, but now he was twice as angry.

            Before Asher could get to his feet, Justice kicked him again. This time he would!—Justice stopped in his tracks--

            Heidi appeared behind Asher. She looked a little shocked, but not so much that she didn’t expect something like this to happen. She wasn’t scared of me, nor was she angry, she just looked completely disappointed. And it was that look that I couldn’t stand. All my eyes opened again, and I frowned. For the first time in forever, I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. Years and years of pent up pain and frustration leaking out my eyes. Heidi stood in front of me and put her arms around me. I knelt down and held her in my embrace, craving affection and any kind of emotion of fondness.

            Asher leapt, pushed Heidi out of the way, and pinned me to the ground.

            “Asher, wait—it’s me—I’m back to normal!”

            Asher looked like an animal—a wild crazy look in his eyes—and I was scared. A new sensation.

            But after a moment, he calmed down. “If it weren’t for Katharos, I’d kill you.”

            He got to his feet and walked off into the woods. Presumably to find Katharos. I shot a glare after him. It was petty, but… I didn’t like him.

            Heidi, still sitting on her rump, climbed to her feet and smoothed her dress down. “How long are you going to hide behind Justice and Vengeance, Joshua? When will you solve your own problems and deal with life like an adult?” She gave me a hand. I took it and lifted myself to my feet.

            “They are apart of me. I cannot simply shut them off…” I told her.

            “Well, you have to shut them off when you’re down here. They’re dangerous. You could have killed Katharos… my dearest friend.” Heidi murmured.

            I was sickened with myself. Even the mention of the possible death of someone as special as Katharos made my heart skip with worry. I never liked being told what to do, however, which was petty as well…

            “If you make a mistake, you’re the one who’s going to be stuck with that mistake forever. If you accidentally end up hurting one of us… what will happen to you?”

            My blood cooled. Even now… she was worried about me. But even more surprisingly, was how she seemed to understand me. She understood me better than any mortal had a right to understand a divine identity. But, more surprisingly, was that I did not understand her. I should be better than that.

            “I—wish I could turn them off…” I told her.

            She smiled. “Joshua, when I first met you, I thought that you were a snot. Someone who thought they were above everyone else and someone who was so above it all that nothing could faze them. I see now that… you are very insecure. You’re a lot like me. You want to be hugged too, don’t you?” She asked with a trembling lip.

            I gave her a look. I didn’t know what she was talking about. “I am not…”

            “No, you are. You hid it well at first but…” she looked at me, like she was looking at a reflection of herself. “The fact that you’re like me… it proves that you care more about me—about us—than I thought. I thought—if you existed at all—that you were so high above us you didn’t care anything about us. That you thought we were just numbers… you don’t think that, do you? You actually want to help us. That’s why it’s so hard for you to watch us and you hide behind Justice and Vengeance, isn’t it? You don’t want to watch us hurt one another?”

            “I wish you would leave.” I replied bitterly.

            She wasn’t affected. She knew I cared; at least about her if no one else.

 

            Later that night, I met up with Katharos again just before he was about to sleep. When he saw me, he gave me a frightened look and backed away. Asher stepped in front of him, but Katharos held up a hand. He approached me slowly, with Asher backing him. “Hello,” he said awkwardly, smoothing his clothes down.

            “Hello,” I replied. “I’m sorry. They’re good for judging, but not so much for communicating.”

            Katharos smiled awkwardly. “No… it is no trouble. You owe us nothing… but I—that is, did you lie to me before? Was I meant to die that day? Why else would he be so intent on…” He shook visibly and said no more.

            “No.” I lied with much heartache. So much pain involved with dealing with mortals when I wanted nothing more than to bury my head in the sand.

            “I see. Good.” He looked away. “Does Vengeance not like me? Have I not done well in his eyes?”

 “You have done nothing wrong… it is my own fault. I never want you to blame yourself.”

            Katharos looked ashamed. “You have to say that, because you are a God and required to love us all…”

            For the longest time, I’d tried to convince myself that that was true. But it wasn’t. I had to accept now that I hated many mortals. Recently, I’d discovered I could not go on in my life attempting to love all mortals. It made you feel sick if you tried to force yourself to love a killer, and sicker to live under a preposterous lie. But telling him so might frighten him—might make him think I was wont to kill him whenever I pleased—so I said nothing.

            “Well… goodnight.” Katharos said, looking a little shaken. He turned and marched into his tent to sleep. Asher stood there for a moment. I didn’t like him. Disliking who the Mahesha was one thing, openly killing them just for what they were was another.

            “You are the reason I have such trouble loving mortals like I’m meant to.” I said gloomily.

            “And you are the reason everyone is losing faith in the Gods. I know what you are, really. You are hardly above mortals when you should be. You are shallow, crude… yet you’re worse because you pretend to be better.”

            “I am not the one who murdered innocent men and women simply for walking onto my territory.” I retorted.

            Asher was silent for a moment. Then he said, “the Mahesha are a disgusting people, simply because of who they worship, they justify killing, maiming, even rape for their so called God. If that is what worshipping a God means, I want no part of it. And I wish you’d quit corrupting Katharos by making him think you are a beacon he should look up to.”

            “Katharos made that decision himself. He knows that the whole of a people are not the same as one.”

            “Easy for one so distanced to say. One who looks on from above in different personages and kills as he pleases.” Asher countered.

            “Killing is my job, and a necessary part of life. I do not kill because I like it like you do.” I stated simply.

            He was quiet then. For a moment, he was deep in thought—somewhere else, it appeared—perhaps reclining within the deep recesses of his soul. “I do not like killing. No mortal with a firm grasp on things does. It makes you feel sick, and only makes things worse, I realize that, but… Long ago, the Mahesha marched upon this land and tried to claim it as their own in the name of the Dead God, Destruction. I saw them drag my son into the darkness of the forest and I never saw him again. Every time I close my eyes… I just can’t get it out of my head. Three years ago, when Katharos was here negotiating a treaty with my people, he saved my life. They were going to put me to death, because I killed a Maheshan who had come as a merchant, and who I mistook for a spy. But Katharos stuck up for me. He rescued me and told them he would instead take me as his body-guard if they would let him, and in return he would send soldiers as sentries to guard the perimeter of Elysia. He reminds me of my son…. If you step one more violent foot towards him again, I swear I will cut it off.”

            I was shocked. My facial expression even read so. Not because of his threats, or because he was apparently a loving father, or even that Katharos was unafraid of a murderer. I was shocked because I thought of this man as one-dimensional. That there was no reason for his madness, and he was simply a despicable mortal—the type I was glad to be rid of—but he wasn’t. He had as much depth and complexes as Heidi and Katharos. I struggled to think that someone could love so much, and kill so well at the same time. And that was when I realized—it was not they that were one-dimensional—it was me. My mind was so narrow and closed off that I never dreamed to think that there was more to any of these people I met than what met the eye. I was ashamed. But I was also angry because I was wrong, and I tried to come up with a suitable argument, but I could find none. And when nothing was left, and I realized I was wrong, I found it easier to say, “I am sorry. I didn’t realize.”

            Asher raised an eyebrow. “Don’t ask for my forgiveness. I know how lowly I am, and I have no forgiveness to give. But you should be apologizing to Katharos until the day you die. He will never forget what happened.”

            I felt very lethargic then. “But you see… Gods do not die. It is I who will never forget.”

 

            We left with Katharos the next day with a contingent of about two-hundred soldiers. I wasn’t feeling well—in fact, I was very distant--Heidi, being the charmingly sarcastic girl I knew her to be, made the same face I was making.

            “I am fine,” I even gave a slight laugh at her facial expression.

            She blinked. “I’ve never heard you laugh before.”

            I covered my mouth. How undignified.  Where I could have my solitude and my peaceful night sky; where I was safe.

            She laughed. “It’s okay, I like it. But don’t do it again, it’s creepy,” she joked.

            We’d been walking through the dark woods for hours now, and the soldiers were all giving me and Katharos strange looks.

            I received the strange looks because I had turned into an entirely different entity, and Katharos received them because he was the victim of that entity. They wondered, I knew, what Katharos had done to deserve my wrath, and I wondered if I should tell them to allay their fears as I was worried for Katharos, but decided against it. I needed their prayers and faith to stand up to my brother. I could not tell them of my flaws.

            We emerged into the sunlight after many hours, and I was happy to see it. I breathed in the fresh air, and I looked up at the sky. I belonged in that sky….

            A butterfly flew right in front of my face. And not just any butterfly. My heart skipped. I had to know where it led!

            I ran off, chasing it.

            “Joshua!” Heidi called after me.

            But I was already gone.

           

            I was only an inch away from it, holding my hands out as I chased it. Closer and closer, yet I just couldn’t seem to seize it. It was as if everything in my life hinged on this butterfly—like I would uncover the reason why I was here, and why I was the way I was—maybe even what I needed, or why I felt so empty. It led me to a cliff, and I was reaching so far over the edge I nearly fell. Someone grabbed the back of my cloak and pulled me back on the cliff before I fell.

            I lost my balance and fell backwards instead. Heidi stepped out of the way before I fell on her. “What are you doing? You nearly died!”

            I shook my head. “The butterfly—I—it--I’ve seen it…” I babbled incoherently.

            “Joshua… are you not telling me something about yourself?” Heidi shook her head. “You’re just not how I envisioned the Gods at all. Especially not the God of Justice. You’re so clumsy and weird!”

            I sat up and rubbed my head. “You know everything you need to,” I replied to her earlier question.

            “Please Joshua. I’ve looked in the mirror. I know a tortured soul when I see one.”  She stated. “Why don’t you tell me the truth?”

            “You have heard the truth, Heidi.” I got to my feet. The butterfly was gone. “Maybe I haven’t, though.”

            For a moment we stood there in silence, then Heidi said, “Joshua, I simply wish to know--”

            Nikolai appeared in front of us. “Joshua! You silly idiot. If I were you, I’d keep that boy as far away from the Mahesha as possible.”

            “Katharos is going to negotiate a treaty with your people; he will be fine unless your people decide to risk a war.”

            “You don’t seem to understand,” Nikolai said as if I were a child, “that that is exactly what your brother wants. The more people die, the better he feels. Katharos is not safe there. He’s going to kill him to start a war.”

            “My brother is not…” I protested.

            Nikolai was already shaking his head. “You are a dummy. You must know that this is what he wants.”

            “But he used to be…” I bit back tears.

            “Why don’t you tell those two innocent souls to leave and perhaps you’ll spare their lives.” Nikolai suggested.

            Heidi laughed. “I’m far from innocent, kid. Besides. It’s not as if Joshua can stop us…”

            “Well, she’s right; she did hit me over the head. But the boy… the boy must be saved,” Nikolai insisted.

            I shook my head. “He’s intent on this… but I can talk to my brother. He will change his mind.”

            Nikolai seemed confused by the way I talked about him. “Mr. Smalls is not one to change his mind…”

            I frowned. “Why don’t you keep your mouth shut? You don’t know him the way I do.”

            Nikolai made a face. “I should think I do!  I am his son!”

            “You are not his child. You are his shame.” I said firmly.

            He was hurt. He looked at his feet; he swallowed audibly, and looked like he was on the verge of tears. “I didn’t choose to be his son! In fact, I’d rather be anyone else’s!” He was gone then, teleported away.

            Heidi was looking at me, a little shocked. She’d never seen me so angry. “Going to judge me again?” I murmured bitterly.

            “That’s not my job,” she replied, “I just wish I knew why you loved the God of Death so much.”

            “He’s my brother…”

            “Yes, but there’s only so far love can stretch…” she stated.

            I looked off into the distance, my mind someplace else. “You don’t choose who you love… besides, he saved my life...” I whispered.

            “How?” She asked.

            I shook my head. “Maybe I’ll tell you someday.”

 

            We rejoined Katharos then, and he was worried sick about me. “I was worried about you… where’d you run off to?”

            “I was chasing my dreams.” I said simply.

            “A noble goal, but I didn’t think Gods dreamed.” Katharos said with a smile.

            “Everyone has dreams,” I replied cryptically.

            “I didn’t think the Gods had a need to want anything. That’s what dreams are for.” Katharos was confused.

            “Most don’t…” I said quietly.

            “So then… is it okay for mortals to want?” Katharos said sheepishly.

            “I used to think you shouldn’t but now—Yes-- you should want… you are not perfect, but by wanting, you can become something better than you are…”

            Katharos noticed I was acting a little out of character. “You seem tired. There’s a small town coming up a few miles from here,” Katharos said, “we can rest there.”

            “I am grateful.” I truly did feel tired. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the loss of my brother. Why didn’t I try harder to keep his friendship? I was being selfish again though… I only wanted his friendship because of my own insecurities and needs. I never thought of him and his wants and needs. I couldn’t blame him for betraying me to Weather…

            “You know Joshua… I wished more people cared about how Gods felt. We only care for ourselves, but we never stop to think how you might feel…” Katharos frowned.

            It was one of the kindest things anyone had ever said to me. I thought no mortal had two thoughts to spare for us Gods, and here I was, surprised and wrong again. I sniffed and rubbed my temple. “Thank you, Katharos.”

           

            We walked in silence for a bit, moving along with the noisy contingent, some on horseback and some on foot, and all carrying weapons. The chief of the Elysians let Katharos borrow about twelve of their soldiers, and all the rest were the Gaans Katharos had brought with him. The Elysians walked on foot.

            Heidi was walking a little ways away from me, I glanced over at her, but when she noticed I looked away. From the corner of my eye, I saw her frown.

            “Why aren’t you walking with Heidi? You two seemed inseparable…” Katharos inquired.

            “She is an acquaintance, little more,” I told him. “I don’t like the way she treats me…”

            He cocked his head to one side. “Because she doesn’t believe in you?”

            It hurt more than it should have when he said that. “She expects too much of me… I’m tired of her telling me I am not good enough, that I’m less than perfect…”

            Katharos sniffed with a small smile. “She likes you. Heidi doesn’t bother telling people they can improve unless she believes they can,”

            I shook my head. “She looks at me with contempt in her eyes… simply because I am a God, she expects me to be perfect,”

            Katharos kept walking with his perfect posture and hands behind his back. “You have to understand…. Heidi has lived such a rough life, she always prayed for a God to rescue her, and now that she’s found one, she has trouble moving past the fact that she believed in you for so long to no avail… I know you don’t owe her anything, and I think she knows it too, but you have to understand where she’s coming from,”

            I looked away. “Yes, I suppose….”

            We were silent again, and I let the cool wind that was blowing and rustling the leaves in the trees take me to another place and time, where I was happy. There was a time, when I walked The Below with mortals who loved me, I knelt down, looked them in the eyes, held their hands, and I loved them, and they returned it. That was what a God needed, but it was also what jogged bad emotions, too. The worst thing was believing in someone just to have them let you down. It went both ways of course. If you let mortals down, they would stop believing in you faster than you could blink.

            Why was love from mortals so conditional, I wondered?

 

            By nightfall, we made it to the small town Katharos spoke of. Katharos reserved us a nice room at the best inn in town, and I dreamed a dreamless sleep, which I was thankful for.

            I awoke the next morning before anyone else, and I went outside in the cold yellow dawn light. The sun cast beautiful long shadows from buildings onto The Below, and I sat for a moment outside by myself. I had never felt this feeling before. This deep exhaustion that seeped deep into my bones; I closed my eyes.

            Someone pulled at my sleeve. A little girl, there was something wrong with her leg. She was lame.

            “Excuse me sir. Are you okay?” She asked.

            “Where are your parents?” I replied.

            She had a pained look on her face.

            “I see…” I said softly.

            I placed a hand on her leg. A breath of light shined from my hands, and I felt the leg heal and correct itself.

            The girl squealed with happiness and embraced me. “It’s a miracle. You fixed it! Thank you so much!”

            Deep in the pit of my soul, I felt more power resound in me. And I closed my eyes with a smile and tears in my eyes. I wrapped my arms about the girl.

            When I opened them again, there was a crowd watching us.

            “He healed the lame girl!” I heard some of them say.

            “He’s an angel! Descended from The Above!” Said others.

            More power welled in me. It had been building up as the crowd became bigger and bigger. So much power upon power and energy upon energy. And… happiness. So much that I—

            For the first time in thousands of years, I felt something that had left me long ago. I stood up, and I felt my soul being restored. The wings popped out of my back in a shower of golden feathers.       The crowd gasped and cheered and murmured about how glorious I looked. I stretched my wings with an uncontainable grin. It had been so long to keep one’s soul buried deep within. To stretch it out was energizing and freeing.

            And I remembered, for the first time in thousands of years, the good things about going among mortals. It made you feel sick and tired—but it also made you feel alive—my spirit bloomed back, and for a moment, I felt like I didn’t need Justice and Vengeance. I had my old free-spirited self back. The me that was strong enough to stand on his own two feet; but then I had another memory

             I stood, looking lost at the people who looked upon me and admired me. I couldn’t go back there. I could not handle the stress and the hard emotions that came with mortal emotions. The stress that came with caring about anyone who was not yourself.

            I went back inside the inn, and my wings retracted back into my body, and it sunk down to where I was safe and I felt nothing. I breathed in and clutched my head in my hands.

             I just couldn’t get those memories out of my head!

            I broke down, hugged my knees and cried. Despair breaking my spirit and crashing down on me as it did once before.

            I felt Vengeance taking over, and I had to stop him. I realized the hard truth. If I wanted to save the two people I loved in this world, I had to tell them the truth.

            About Everything.

            I was running down the cloudy stairs. I had a smile on my face, carrying a frog in my hands, and I ran into my brother. He smiled at me. “Just what are you up to?” He knelt down so he could look me in the eye, as I was still just a child at this point. “Well… I went to The Below and I found this cute creature! I call him Sahl.”

            Me and my brother were similar, but dissimilar as well. One difference was that he was a blue God, and I was a red God. Like all Gods, we had very long, graceful necks, slender fingers, and helms that had fake wings attached to them. My brother had two incredibly black eyes, and silver hair. He always looked the stronger of the two of us—large muscles—while I was bonier and wiry. Most of us Gods were ten feet tall.

            “He’s cute,” Chandra said in his quiet way. He petted the frog, and I giggled. My eye was itchy suddenly, so I closed it and rubbed it against the frog.

            “Joshua!” Chandra said, a little grossed out, taking the frog away. “You’ve only one eye! You ought to treat it with respect.”

            I blinked my one red eye and grinned sheepishly. “You worry too much.”

            Mr. Smalls laughed for a moment, and then he paused and frowned. I looked up at him. “What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing,” He said with a tired smile. He handed Sahl back to me, and he walked off. I shrugged. I climbed up the long stairs I just walked down. They were much larger than I was, and I put the frog on the next step before I climbed up, step by step.

            When I made it to the top of the steps again, I sat and watched the sun rise in the distance, and further in the distance, I could see the giant mountain which me and my brother had sprung from. I clutched Sahl closer to me. I saw Chandra standing on the mountain in the distance, and I slowly saw the mountain transform into a giant God who stood up and began walking. My brother seemed to be having an altercation with the God.

 

            “Chandra… I’m bored. Can you play with me?”  It had been forever since my brother played with me—a year to be precise—but we used to play all the time… I missed him.

            Oh, I’m sorry Joshua. I’ve been busy with my occupation lately, at this point; Chandra had started communicating through his mind. Would you like to play?

            I nodded. “Yes! C’mon!” I grabbed his hand and started dragging him to an open place to play. “Close your eyes!” I added.

            He smiled and obeyed. I grabbed his present and plopped it in his hands. “Open.” I said.

            He opened them, and seemed touched. Really Joshua… I don’t need any gifts.

            “Well, you seem down lately. Just open it, you’ll like it!” I demanded.

            He slowly unwrapped the gift and pulled a fancy bracelet out. Chandra was impressed. “Joshua, this is amazing…. Did you make this?”

            I nodded. “I worked on it for months, roaming The Below for unique ornaments to put on it. Of course, I had Art tell me what to do. Do you like it?”

            He put it on, and smiled. “It’s beautiful, thank you Joshua,” he threw his arms about me. Now, what do you want to play? He asked, ruffling my hair.

 

            When I was older, Chandra approached me. I was holding Sahl in my arms at the stop of the steps, and I ran up to my brother when I saw him coming. I hardly ever saw him anymore. You’ve grown so big… Chandra said with a proud smile.

            “Do you want to play, Chandra?”

            He looked away. Not right now, Joshua. Come, Father wants to meet you.”

            “What…?” I’d never met father before. I was scared to.

            Don’t worry; I’ll be there with you.

            “What is Father like?” I asked, clutching Sahl a little closer.

            You will see. He said enigmatically.

            “I don’t want to go… I’m scared.” I protested.

            It will be fast. I promise nothing bad will happen.

            He zapped down to The Below, in front of the mountain, and I followed him afterwards. My powers were clumsy at this point, so I accidentally ended up in the wrong place. I warped to the correct place afterwards. It was night, and it was cold. This was the time when Gods could go among mortals, before we discovered it was bad for them. This was also a time when the air was clean of the vapors, and the night air smelled so clean and wide, that I still remember it to this day. I loved The Below before. It was like this entirely brand new exciting place that had surprises around each corner. It was a place of pleasure with wide open pastures and endless adventures. I could explore The Below for hours, just happy and excited seeing what I could find.

            But there was one place I never went near. The giant mountain that my brother and I had sprung from. Chandra told me never to go near that mountain unless he told me to. But even if he hadn’t told me to, I wouldn’t go near it anyway. It was the most ominous place in The Below I had ever seen.

            The mountain was dark. And it cast a shadow for miles, and it was as if even the sky above created a gloomy, swirling shade above it. Still holding my frog, I approached the foot of the mountain.

            Joshua, Chandra said, why don’t you hand me Sahl for a moment?

            I swallowed. I passed the frog over to Chandra. “What do I do?”

            Chandra grabbed my shoulders and dragged me back a bit. He will appear to us.

            A few moments of silence passed, and the gigantic mountain slowly morphed into a giant, dark God with dark brown skin, red eyes, and grey hair and beard. He reached about fifty feet up into the sky, and I trembled in fear. I stepped behind Chandra and hid.

            I heard a deep, booming voice that made me fall to the ground and cover my ears, but I realized after a moment that the voice was in my head.

            Pathetic… my Father said. You’ve coddled him Chandra. Because of this, I must give him his designation earlier than I wanted. Joshua, step before me,

            I stayed where I was, but Chandra worriedly touched my shoulder gently. Come Yeshua; don’t make things worse for yourself. He used my real name, which I knew meant business.

            I stood and faced my Father, straightening my posture, but still trembling. “What is it you wish from me Father?”

            …you may not call me Father until you earn that right. For now, you will call me Destruction. Do you know what your brother does, Yeshua?

            I looked at Chandra, and then back at Destruction. “He… sets souls free when they have become old or damaged.”

            Has he been telling you lies? His job is to kill mortals. There is nothing graceful about what he does. But it is needed. What you will do is needed as well. Things need to decay as well as prosper. That is your job. If the land has been prospering for too long, you must make it decay. If mortals have been prospering for too long, you must make them decay.

            I looked at my feet, sad. Decay?

            Chandra looked at me with dread and fear.

            But it was too late. Too soft? Shall I make you practice on that frog?

            My eye widened. “What?”

            Do it. Make him suffer, and Chandra will ‘set him free’. Destruction ordered me.

            “No! You can’t make me do that! Sahl is an innocent animal!” I raised my voice. Few things got me upset back then, but I remember my chest thumping so fast when he said that, I couldn’t hear myself think.

            Maybe I should be rid of you if you are useless then. I only need one son.

            Chandra was looking absolutely devastated, on the verge of tears, but he kept it together. Yeshua… you must do what he asks.

            “No! What is wrong with you? What kind of monster turns a blind eye to the suffering of an innocent creature just to protect his own hide? Kill me if you want.”

            Chandra looked at me miserably and shook his head. Listen to me…

            But I heard a loud screaming in my head. So loud and torturous, I thought my mind would blow up. I screamed in pain. It was a sound so indescribably awful that I’ve never been able to get it out of my head in my life. It was that sound that played over and over whenever I felt too much.

            But what was more traumatic was what followed afterwards.

            Destruction tortured my frog until he was on his last breath, and my brother finished him.

            I could never forget that. It was like the moment that defined my very soul.

 

            I was silent for many weeks, not saying anything to my brother. I was in a deep depression. Nothing could bolster my spirits. The only thing that seemed to lift me up was going among the mortals.

            I introduced myself to them, but not in the way my Father wished. I got up in front of each town I knew of, and I spread my glorious yellow wings. The crowd gasped in wonder and gathered around. This was back when mortals were only one species called the Haloona. They were a winged, bird-like species similar to Katharos’, except they wore no clothes. They were as flawed and innocent and lovable as anything. I lied about my newly granted title.

            “I am the God of Prosperity. But do not worry; I shall not hurt you unless it is time for you to be hurt. I am here to go among you, to help you, to inspire you. Because I love you. I will never hurt you for no good reason.” All the people gathered around me with loving eyes.

            “Decay, can you fix my sight?” One asked.

            “My baby was born with a crooked spine! Can you help?” said another.

            They all gathered about me and it felt good to be loved. I wished to help, and it made me feel better to be doing something good after what happened to me. But it was more than that.

            I knew from the moment I met them, that I loved those mortals. They loved me unconditionally, and they were pure and innocent. That was what I craved. I wanted love by any means, because I could not get it from anyone else.

            These people… They cared for one another, and were so closely knit, I… I liked going among them more than I did Gods. They had my heart on a silver platter.

            I healed all of them who needed healing, and I wrapped my arms around the shoulders of many of them. Eventually, I had to return to The Above, but I did not wish to. I didn’t wish to incur my Father’s wrath either, however.

 

            I went about like that for a month or so, hoping my Father wouldn’t notice how close I was with the Haloona. If there was anyone I wanted to speak to even less than my Father, it was Chandra. Whenever I saw him coming, I would avoid him. I spent as little time as possible in The Above with the other Gods, and as much time as possible with the mortals who loved me.

            I was particularly close with the village elder, Rosch. He would sometimes notice me looking depressed, or distant, and he seemed to be the only one who thought of me as more than just someone to solve his problems. “Are you okay, Little God?” He would call me.

            I blinked slowly without looking at him. “No.”

            “Why?” He asked. “Don’t Gods have everything?”

            “No. Of course not… I just… I can’t get this sound and image out of my head…” I said with a sigh.

            “I see… what is this image and sound?” He wondered.

            “Something I can’t forget.” I frowned.

            “Then don’t. What happened happened. Make it to your advantage,” he emcouraged without probing too far into the matter.

            I was silent, and then I smiled. “Thank you Rosch.”

            And that night, when my brother approached me while I was sitting on my spot in The Above, watching the sun set, I finally let him speak to me.

            He smiled at me. Do you wish to play, Yeshua?

            I didn’t look at him. I do not wish to play with a killer, or a monster.

            He looked terribly ashamed and clasped his hands behind his back. Yeshua, I’m sorry about what happened, he told me awkwardly. But I know what you’ve been doing—getting close to the mortals—it’s not good for them, and it’s not good for you either. Especially if Father found out.

            I turned on him then. “Are you going to bow to his every will? Going to do whatever he wants no matter how vile? Would you kill me for him, just because he told you to?”

            He was offended. Joshua, I would die for you. You’re the only one I would. That is why you must only come down to The Below when you need to do your job.

            I looked at my feet, and after a moment I murmured, “I hate you.”

            It was only a frog Yeshua! The mountain would have killed you! Please… we can fix this, He shook my shoulders.

            I looked at him with tears in my eyes. We can never fix this. It’s not just my frog. I just—I feel so unhappy. I can’t believe someone I loved would…

            Yeshua, I do everything I do to protect you! You’re the only one I love in this world!

            “If that’s what you call love, I want none of it from you!” I got to my feet and marched away. My body and mind ached alike, and I missed Chandra to death, but I just couldn’t get that horrendous image of him out of my head. I could no longer see him as the kind and caring brother I used to look up to. I could only see my frog…

             There were some things you could never forgive, and never forget.

 

            The population of Haloona grew by the day and they grew culturally and intelligently as well. I helped them whenever I could, and they prayed to me. I was fulfilled.

            Rosch watched me carefully as I conjured gold out of thin air, mended clothes with a snap of the finger, and corrected health problems, and in return I got their thanks and a welling of power in the pit of my soul.

            Rosch, who was sitting on his porch, motioned me over one day and I sat in front of him on the ground. “Little God, what is it that you feel you need to make up for? That you feel you need to make the lives of others so ideal?”

            “I never want to… I never want to see suffering again.” I said awkwardly.

            The old man was silent for a moment. “I love my people, Little God. But you have only seen their good side. If you spoil them, they will expect too much of you. When you can’t give it to them, they will lose faith in you. You should find what makes you happy, not them.”

            I was offended. “Why should they lose faith? I wish to make them happy, and I will,”

            “I am simply giving you my opinion. Now, I made you some of your favorite cookies,” he handed me a plate of cookies.

            “Thank you!” I took the cookies and stuffed them in my mouth. Back then, I was far more unabashed about eating. In the future, I would associate it too much with mortals and stop almost completely.

            The people noticed me eating cookies with Rosch, and they all rushed over to me.

            “It’s Prosperity!” They sat around me, waiting for me to give them wisdom, as I often tried to instill in them and they crowded among my feet.

            I swallowed my cookie, and with a smile, I put my hands on the backs of the mortals around me. “You might be envious of me… but in truth, I envy you… because you are happy. Not just because of me, but because you have respect and love for one another…” I knew what made me happy, despite what Rosch said. What made me happy was making others happy.

            A woman who I was close with, named Calys, always sat very close to me with her two children. “Is it wrong for me to want, Prosperity? My husband is dead and I have no money for my children…”

            I was moved. “You are mortals. I think mortals will always want, you cannot help it. You have rights, aspirations... wanting can lead to many bad things, but without it, I do not think you would change and evolve. You must have dreams.”

            I threw my hands up in the air, and clenched them together. Gold spilled through my fingers, and Calys received most of it, but others, once they were given my assent, got the rest. Calys thanked me and I hung around with the mortals until it was dark out, and then I went home.

            I saw Chandra on my over to the cloud I slept on. He approached me, but I walked too fast for him to catch up. I lay my head on my cloud, and I could think of nothing but Sahl and that horrible mind scream. I felt my mind going in directions it never would have before. Something was wrong…

 

            When I beamed down to The Below the next morning, my head was still throbbing. I sat with Rosch and clutched my head in my hands. All I could hear was the screaming!

            Rosch was silent for many minutes, but then he finally said, “you have heard the scream?”

            “What?” I said, looking at him with tired eyes. 
            “You’ve been near the mountain? The mountain has destroyed so many villages…” Rosch moved a little away from me then.

            “The mountain is the God Destruction. He is my Father.” I said honestly.

            He was absolutely horrified for a moment and then it seemed as if a thought made him calmer. Like he remembered or realized something important. “I see. And you? Have you come to torment us? To take care of our problems so we cannot grow as a people? Is that your plan to destroy us?” He gave me a mistrusting look.

            “What are you…? No. I simply wish you to be pain-free. You will grow whether I help you or not. I only wish to make sure you know how to treat one another.”

            He nodded. “Maybe,” he looked away. “What would you do, if you found out we were no good? If we killed one another, stole from one another, hated one another?”

            I gave him a confused look. “But you don’t….”

            “No we do, you just don’t see it.” He said. “Why don’t you leave us, Little God, before you see what we’re really like?”

            “You have been nothing but kind…” I said, confused. “No one would… why would anyone…”

            “You don’t know what I’ve seen… You see, my wife, because we used to be short on money stole an apple once. The man selling them killed her. A life for a copper, I suppose, is the rule down here…”

            My heart went out to him, and without a second thought, I threw my arms about him. “Everything will be okay. I know there’s more to you mortals than that. Life will be good to you again.” It sickened me to think I could ever be such an odd and naïve creature. So affectionate and trusting, just ripe for betrayal and heartache.

            “You’re the only thing good about my life these days…” He cried. “So selfless. But you won’t love us anymore once you find out what we’re like. I don’t want to see you destroyed.”

            “I will always love mortals. It’s a requirement of being a God.” Or so I thought at the time. After sitting with the lonely old man for a while, I got to my feet and decided to see what the other mortals were up to.

            They were as loving as ever. They showered me with compliments and gifts, and I gave them all I could in return. But my headache got worse as the day went on, and I had to go home earlier than I expected.

 

            My headache got worse and worse as the months went on, and I found myself feeling loose on all my faculties. The love of the mortals helped, but I found out something devastating one day when I went to The Below, and things started to change.

            Rosch was heartbroken in particular. “Destruction wiped out a whole village!”

            I put a hand on his back, and comforted him with soft cooing noises. “Why?”

            “Because he felt like it! Gods have no reason for what they do! They are ideals, and they abide by their mechanic mindsets! My son was in that village.”

            I clapped a hand to my mouth and shook my head. How could he be so cruel?

            “That’s awful…”

            The old man said nothing. He was wracked with grief and utter suffering. He couldn’t muster enough strength even to cry, but his eyes were already red. He must have been crying all day. I couldn’t stand to see him like that. I had no idea what it might be like to lose a child, but I knew it must hurt badly to lose something that you brought into the world.

            The throbbing in my head got very loud then, and I fell to my knees, clutching my head. I breathed harshly.

            Rosch knelt next to me. “Are you okay? Joshua?”

            I said nothing for a moment, just breathing harshly, but then I said, “yes, I am okay. I… I’m sorry.”

            He shook his head. “You have done nothing wrong. Don’t blame yourself for your father’s deeds…”

            I got to my feet and started walking towards the mountain. Rosch followed me for a bit. “Where are you going?”

            “I wish to know his intent.” I stated.

            He grabbed my arm. “I don’t care if you are his son! He will kill you!”

            “I am not afraid of him anymore.” I yanked my arm back and marched to the foot of the mountain. I left Rosch behind, now weeping tears for me also.

            At the foot of the mountain, I looked up determinedly. “Why?” Was all I asked.

            He didn’t bother morphing, but I heard his booming voice in my head, you are not doing your job, and you shall suffer for it. You will not even suffer by my hand. You have dug your own grave, and you will see your errors. My pleasure will be to watch,

            “Don’t ever touch these people again.” I told him sharply. “I swear I will kill you or die trying.”

 

            I helped the mortals get over their initial grief of the neighboring village. They were grateful as always. But as time went on, and I became a full-fledged adult and they became a more advanced culture, we became more and more distant, and they became more and more selfish. Rosch had died, and now Calys was the only one left who I knew well, but she was an old woman now. When she died… I would be entirely alone.

            Empires were built, kings elected, and they began attempting to draw me in on terrible requests.

            “Please Prosperity!” The king and even all his people implored as they formed a crowd around me, pleadin and yelling. “Please destroy the neighboring kingdom! They worship the evil God Destruction! They are of evil minds, and they attack us by the day,”

            My mind, still hurting from all those years ago, was giving me a headache which was not helping my attitude. “Wretched!” I accidentally said out loud, “what makes you think I will use my powers just to get you ahead? Just to hurt others? We grace you with happiness, gifts, and health and you repay us by attempting to use our names to kill one another! If you ask me for this request again I--” I clenched my head again and breathed in, gritting my teeth. I couldn’t stand them at that moment!

            Calys emerged from the crowd and grabbed my arm, pulling me away. “Prosperity, you seem particularly out of sorts recently. I think, perhaps, you should take a long break from us?”

            I looked at her sincerely. She was kind, caring, responsible, and attentive. I had my favorite mortals, and she was always one of them. Maybe this was what it was like to have a mother.

            I sighed. “Yes. Maybe you are right… thank you, Calys.” I left, and I appeared back in The Above.

            My brother, who I had not spoken to in years, sat down next to me. We said nothing. Words were too hard between us now. But, for the first time in a long time, he threw an arm about me and I did not turn away.

            The truth was I felt lost and alone. The mortals were selfish, and I didn’t know what to do with them. Had I failed them? Being too involved in their lives? Or were they simply bitter and no good to begin with?

            This time, it was bad dreams that kept me from sleeping. For years now at this point, the mortals were not grateful for the help I gave them; had even grown distant and uncaring of one another, and more and more, if I didn’t fulfill their every wish, they screamed at me like hysterical children. I felt like I didn’t know them anymore… I felt like giving up on them, before they gave up on me. I missed their innocent, and their blind admiration. I could not look past their developing bad traits to see their good points. They were monsters.

 

            I went down to The Below a week later, and I met up with Calys. The city seemed to be mostly vacant, and I wondered where everyone was. Calys was weeping alone in front of her house, on her knees in the yellow morning light. “Calys, what is wrong?” I asked worriedly.

            “It’s my sons… they went to war!” She cried.

            “War? What is war?” I shook my head, confused.

            “I don’t know! I only know it as something the kind made up to kill!” She threw her arms about me and wept bitterly.

            But I was angry. I pulled away from her and felt a rage deep in my bones. After all these years of teaching them the difference between right and wrong, of pouring all my love and effort into making them thoughtful, considerate creatures—it was as if they had learned nothing—as if having everything was not enough, as if greed was the only thing worth having in the world, and the thing that made up all mortals in the pits of their souls.

            “After all the love I’ve given you… you are no better than the day I revealed myself to you…”

            Calys reached out to touch me, but without moving, I disappeared and left a shockwave after me. I warped to the war zone. Spears were flying, swords were clanging, horses were neighing, and blood poured all over the grass. I couldn’t walk a single step without throwing up a shield about myself.

            I could hardly believe what I saw. It was horrifying. All I could do was stare for a moment and recede within myself completely afraid.

            After a moment, fear was replaced with rage. I stood in the middle of the war zone, lifted my arms, and then slammed them towards the ground. All the soldiers flew back from the shockwave. There was a horrendous loud consecutive clinking sound of armor clashing on armor as everyone rolled backwards, and the thudding of the ground in general.

            My mind was misty, and words spilled from my mouth that I was not even aware of. “You have rejected a chance of being happy in exchange for being greedy. You have ignored my wise teachings when I have given you everything. I should let you kill one another!” My voice boomed, and my one eye seemed to be flitting all around the crowd. “Tell me one reason… why I shouldn’t obliterate you all right this moment.”

            “You wouldn’t give us what we wanted!” Said the King who had beseeched me before to destroy and entire other kingdom “You claim to care about us, but when we only wish to destroy these wretched heathens for worshipping a cruel God, you refused to lend a hand!”

            “You really think I wish you to kill in my name? I told you that was not what I wished!” Thing were worse than I thought. I shook my head and covered my mouth with my hand miserably, so angry that tears came unbidden to my eyes. “Have you heard nothing I’ve said? You wish to use me--to further your own selfish dreams of power--if you wish to kill one another; you may do it without me.” I went back up to The Above then, and I felt a collapsing in power. Everyone was losing faith in me because I would not support their war, or their selfish desires.

            As the power began to leave my body, I fell to my knees. I felt as weak as I did when I was a child and had no power from prayers. Chandra, who happened to be in my spot, looking down, rushed to my side. Yeshua! Are you okay?

            I looked up at my brother. I grabbed at his robes and tried to lift myself to my feet, but failed. “I loved them Chandra, I loved them… but I was as wrong about them as I have been about anything good in this world! I tried to help them… but they are monsters… what’s the point of loving anything in this wretched world? I never thought I could ever feel as terrible as I did—that day—but now I see that whatever I try, I shall fail. I shall always sow chaos even when I wish to bring peace.”

            Chandra, like he did when I was a child, lifted me up and got me to stand on my feet. He embraced me as I cried hysterically.

            “Can you help me Chandra, please? Can you help them?”

            Yeshua… I told you not to interfere. Mortals are like children. You can guide them while they’re young, but now that you’ve guided them this far, you must step back, before you are both destroyed.

            “It’s not that easy! I cannot turn my back on them when they are killing themselves! When they are begging for my interference!” I protested.

            They are not worth your time; leave them behind before they destroy you… humans come and go, but you are a God, and you are my brother. You will never forget what happened here. I do not wish to live a lifetime of forever when you are not yourself. When you have been made into something not of your choosing.

            I was still crying. Chandra, when I was made into Decay, I changed completely. I feel like I’m going down a path that I cannot change… like there is no way to change who I am. All I can hear is the mind scream in my mind. It has seeped into my spirit and defined my soul now. But that’s not all. It’s as if this is what I was meant to be, it has nothing to do with Father at all… I spoke to him in his mind. It was a more intimate way of speaking to someone when you were a God, and you never did it unless you were close or willing to cross boundaries like my Father was.

            Decay is necessary, Yeshua. It may not be a pleasant job, but you should not hate yourself for it. You have a volatile personality, do not entice yourself. Keep your distance.

            You do not understand! I love them… you know how hard it is to abandon someone you love…

            When I and my brother first sprung from the mountain, our father asked Chandra to kill me early on, but my brother refused. He took whatever punishment our father had in store, but he would not kill me.

            I had a malicious personality when I was first born—and our Father knew it, which was why he wanted me gone--I screamed and yelled and kicked and bit. Particularly at my brother. But even worse was I kicked animals and tortured bugs. When I grew, I came into a more peaceful personality, but I always had those thoughts and urges. It was all thanks to Chandra. The changing moment was when I was having a particularly bad episode of screaming and yelling that I attempted to end my life for good by stabbing my head. Chandra had grabbed at the knife but I swung it away from him and then stabbed it into his arm. I then pointed it back at my head, but then my brother grabbed it away from me and stared at me furiously—like he was going to stab me with it—but then his expression softened and he tossed it off into The Below. I was panting from the screaming, and tears were rolling down my cheeks. He never once hit me. He embraced me that moment instead. And after panting tiredly for a moment, my breathing became easier, and it was as if whatever demon lay inside me was thrown off with that knife. For the first time ever, I hugged my brother back.

             Some things were as much apart of you as you nose and eyes were, however, and you could not change them. That demon perhaps had never left, and instead was still nestled deep down within and made up who I was.

            Presently I said, I am sorry Chandra… you’ve done so much for me. I should not have been so angry at you. For what you did for me… I should be grateful many lifetimes over.

            You were right to be angry… what I did was unforgivable. I would not have blamed you if you never spoke to me again… you never need to apologize to me. To love and take care of you is my job. Your job is to live and be happy enough for the both of us.

            Similar to my malicious personality, Chandra had a depressive personality. He never looked happy, he always looked tired, and he only persevered and smiled for me. But sometimes I would catch him when he thought he was alone, just looking so lost and alone, the world on his shoulders. I’d never been a good shoulder to cry on—except concerning mortals--so I let him be whenever I saw him like that.

            I wiped my eyes. I must go back… I turned my back to Chandra and got ready to go back down. He grabbed my shoulders and made me face him before I could, however.

            Yeshua, do not go back down there. Listen to reason.

            I will… take a break. I gave in.

            He grinned, overjoyed that he seemingly had saved me once again, and even more overjoyed that I was speaking to him at all. Do you… wish to play?

            I looked at him confusedly for a moment, and then a slow smile spread across my face. I looked down at my feet in fond memory. I wished to be young again. But perhaps… this would be enough. What do you wish to play?

            How about a snow fight? It’s snowing on the north side of The Under.

 

            For a while, I made good on my promise. I stayed away from mortals, and did my job instead. I made nature decay when it was time; I decayed mortals’ health when it was time, and I even decayed the health of animals if it was their time. For the most part, Weather told me that in the winter I should make things decay. So that’s what I did.

            There was something surprisingly peaceful about it, and it didn’t make my mind go nuts like I thought it would. It was nice to be away from those selfish mortals. It was also nice to realize that this job was valuable. If mortals did not decay, they would become overpopulated. But I also felt, day after day, year after year, the power from their prayers leaving me. And I missed their company, their old innocence, and how I felt proud of myself when I improved their lives. And I worried about them constantly. How were they, without my assistance? Were they still killing one another? Were they discovering how to stand on their feet? I hadn’t a friend in the world without them, aside from Chandra.

            And I couldn’t help it.

            I went back down to check on them.

 

            It was a disaster. Houses were burnt down, bodies were everywhere, and the people who were left were the ones who I did not love. The kings who sent their own people to die in a war based on lies. Worshipping my Father did not necessarily make these other groups evil. Why, at least, could they not tell them what they were really dying for? The greed of a single man…

            In the middle of the wreckage, with the smell of burnt flesh and with fire turning the lighting red; with cold wind whistling through the air and not a human sound about, I stood alone. Isolated and sick and tired to the bone. I looked up at the red sky expressionlessly. I could hardly believe this had happened.

            After a moment, I decided I had to find that wretched king.

            The king was having a rally when I landed on where he was such a thud that the ground shook around me. The king pointed a finger at me. “There is he! He came to us as an angel, pretending to help us and fix our problems, but he is little more than a devil. Instead, he is the God of suffering!”

            I approached him slowly, my rage rising slowly.

            A woman stood up in the crowd. “How long do you wish to be deceived by the king? He is using the Gods to wage a war they wish to have no part in!

            The woman was none other than Calys. She always did the right thing, and it had nothing to do with what I had been teaching her since we first met. She had an inborn goodness-of-spirit, and somehow I knew it would get her into trouble.

            The crowd was already rallied to the king’s side, and they got angry at Calys. They may have known the truth, and maybe they didn’t However, they were looking for someone to blame, and they were not smart enough to recognize the king as the real culprit of any imagined danger.

            And no one complained when the king said, “one of the God’s heathen followers! But we can use her!”

            The soldiers seized Calys and put a knife to her throat.

            I stopped in my tracks. “What do you plan on doing? Killing an innocent just to taunt me?”

            The king gave me a confident smirk. “Help us win this war, or I will slit your follower’s throat,”

            I shook my head. “Gods do not take sides. And until filth like you came along, they had no reason to!”

            The king motioned to his soldiers and the knife kept getting closer and closer to her throat. She was crying hysterically. I wished I could teleport her to my side, but I would have to take the soldier with her even if I did so because he was touching her. There was nothing I could do.

            I held up a hand. “Stop! Please… I’ll help.”

            “Don’t. Decay, you cannot take sides, the death toll will be too grand,” she said sharply.

            I didn’t know what to do. “But, I must…”

            She shook her head. “Be strong,”

            Somehow, I thought they would never actually kill her. I could not conceive such an evil from the people I used to love in my very soul. From the people I had spent sunny afternoons with and played with. There was no way…

            I could never imagine how wrong I was.

            I covered my eyes when I saw they actually had the darkness in their hearts to kill and innocent woman. The crowd cheered, and I felt sick to my stomach. The pounding and screeching in my head became louder and louder.

 

            That was the beginning of my madness. As the years went on, I isolated myself from mortals, and even my brother. It was at this time, also, that when I thought back on it, it felt like watching my own life through someone else’s eyes. I could not believe what I had become.

            The mind scream echoed in my mind uncontrollably, and I would rather listen to that mind scream than I would think about what I had seen. I felt my mind being warped, and eventually, after a long break, I looked down upon the mortals and with a smirk, I decayed the king’s health. I made him suffer with the worst disease I could think of, and he died in terrible pain, my brother, not realizing what I was doing, took his soul. It seemed as if I could no longer even remember why I hated him. I just wanted to watch him burn.

            After finding out how immensely I enjoyed making those mortals suffer like the insignificant bugs they were, I did it whenever I felt like it. My brother noticedthe odd spike in sickness and he had his suspicions about me.

            Yeshua, are you… have you been killing these mortals?

            I gave him a smile and crossed my arms. “No. But you have.”

            He was angry. Which was strange, because I’d never seen him angry before. He grabbed my arms. You’ve been killing for no reason! What has happened to you? Weather will have you exiled for this! Stripped of your powers! Do you wish to live amongst mortals for an entire year?

            “Don’t touch me, wretch! I hate you! Those mortals deserve anything they get, and I will never live among them!” I shoved my brother away from me and attempted to walk away, but he seized my shoulder.

            What happened…? He looked into my eye, which made me uncomfortable.

            “I never wanted to be your brother….” I blinked; I couldn’t even remember where this supposed hatred came from… I just knew I had some sort deep resentment towards him.

            My wild eye put off Chandra, and he let me go. I started walking away, leaving him alone. Yeshua…?

            It was the first time in my life I ever heard his voice tremble with sadness. “What?”

            I wish… I wish you to speak to me more often, he suggested.

            “What makes you think I wish to talk to someone as despicable as you?” It was the last thing I would say to him for a long time. And I would always regret it.

           

            I killed mortals at a dangerous rate. And my madness spread until I no longer knew who I was. It was a strange madness where I couldn’t stop smiling. I decayed the mortals, I decayed the land, and I decayed the animals. Of course, Weather noticed, and he called a meeting between the Gods. We gathered around in our circle, and I tapped my fingers on the clouds, feeling bored, as he droned on about the rapid deaths of the mortals.

            Weather lowered his eyes and said quietly and sincerely, “the mortals are dying at an unnatural pace. We were made to look after and protect these mortals, not play with their lives. Who among us has been doing these awful deeds? Going against our very nature?”

            I said nothing. Chandra, sitting next to me, clearly wrestled with his conscious, he had a conflicted look on his face. But in the end, he looked down and away, and protected me like he always did.

            I thought he was a fool.

           

            With no proof, they could not punish me, so, I continued on as I was, except that I was much more careful and secretive about it. I killed decayed the health of things at a much more even rate, but still a bit rapidly.

            I carried on for another five years, killing all the humans I wished.  The more I saw of them, the more disgusted by them I was. Without me as their guiding light, they killed, raped, burned, and maimed each other. And with me, they only wanted me to be apart of their malicious activities. I had no qualms about killing them off after five years of watching them do things I could not get out of my head. They deserved everything they got and more.

            But, on that same fifth year, the mortals did something unforgivable.

            They killed a God.

            The mortals bred like wild animals. There were so many of them now that—even with me purposely killing so many of them--they swarmed the mountain, stabbing it, burning it, and shooting it with arrows. 

            I watched from The Above as my father morphed into his real form, his screams were horrifying--something so loud and high-pitched that it ripped into my brain--he stomped about, killing many of the mortals as he did so. But Gods were not invincible, and they tore him down within an hour, I watched in horror as he collapsed and the resounding thud was so loud I heard it even in The Above. He left a crater in the earth that was still there to this day.

            I was enraged, not because he was my father, but just because they had the audacity to bite the hand that fed them. I even heard some of them say that we never did anything for them, that we were to blame for their wars.

            My head was hot and my blood was on fire. I could not think straight, and with a pounding head, I spread my arms and slammed them towards The Below. The Below, and all its people, were enveloped in deadly vapors.

            I remember watching them suffer and suffocate to death made Decay happier than anything. Deep down however, Joshua was weeping for the mortals he gave his soul to.

           

            The Gods called another meeting, and I sat quietly next to my brother. He looked at me sidelong, and it was the first and only time I would see him cry in front of me. They were bland, emotionless tears, because he was not used to crying.

             He knew it was me. And, I knew he would not tell on me. He loved me, and he would always do what was necessary to protect me.

            Weather was looking at us the entire time he was droning on about the vapors, which I was frankly proud of. But he was looking at Chandra more than me, because he thought if it was anyone; it must be the God of Death.

            “I know mortals can be wretched, selfish, violent creatures. But it is not our job to kill them unnecessarily, and it is certainly not our job to completely wipe them…” Weather had a tear in his eye. This was a first too, and also the only time I had seen Weather cry. “They are all dead. Our purpose is to protect them… not kill them. Who has done this heinous crime? This crime against the people we are meant to love? If you have any respect for life and your fellow Gods, please step forward. We will give you a fair punishment.”

            I was quiet, and I tapped my feet impatiently. The silence was nearly unbearable. At least I knew I was safe.

            But, I was shocked when my brother wiped his eyes, got to his feet, and said something I would never in my life forget. “It was Joshua,” he told the truth. “Please, go easy on him.”

            I looked at him, completely shocked and betrayed. But my expression changed from shock to rage. And I started screaming at him, my red eye going wild. I grabbed his collar and shook him violently. “I knew it! I knew you were no better than any other God! Saying you’ll give anything to protect your precious mortals when you wish to have nothing to do with them! You favor them more than your own brotherI” I yelled and cursed at my brother until all the Gods around me seized me. I resisted.

            With a wave of my arm, they were all knocked back. I made a mad dash away from them, and then I teleported down to The Below. I would probably be safe there. No one knew where I went, and most Gods would be too afraid to set foot on The Below.

            Except one. Chandra appeared right in my face.

            The problem with having a brother you loved was that you shared everything with him. Your favorite spots, colors, food, your secrets, and even your most buried thoughts. Chandra knew me inside and out, and, he knew where I would try to escape to.

            Yeshua, it’s time to pay for your crimes. Please, come with me, you’ll feel better afterwards, he grabbed my arm.

            “Traitor!” I screamed, I tried to punch him, but he caught my fist with his free hand.

            It’s time to go, Yeshua, he waved a hand in front of my eye, and I fell asleep, he caught me before I slumped over.

           

            I awoke to my brother was talking to Weather. “So,” my Brother said. “What do you plan to do?”

            I pretended to be asleep still. My brother was leaning me against his shoulder.

            “We’ve built a prison for him. He won’t be able to escape, and he will spend one million years within the prison, where he cannot hurt anyone. If I see an improvement in his behavior, we will let him out by then,”

            Chandra said nothing for a moment. He was quiet and somber when he said, “that long? I know he’s done wrong, but I love him… please, can’t you let him go earlier?”

            “No. I’m sorry, Chandra. Your brother is as monstrous as his father…” Weather said solemnly.

            “Don’t you ever compare him to my Father! Joshua is… Joshua is the sweetest thing. I know he’s been angry in the past, but I know what he’s really like…” Chandra protested. “He only wanted what was best for them, it was thanks to him that they got as far as they did. Deep down, he has an infinite capacity for love and affection, more than any God.”

            I’d had enough. I opened my eye, socked my brother in the stomach, and made another mad dash.

            Weather lifted a finger and hefted me into the air without touching me. He dragged me back and engulfed me in a cage of wind, and I could not move enough to do anything.

            He dragged me along and my brother followed us. Chandra looked at me with sad eyes. He mouthed he was sorry.

            I could not even speak while I was wrapped in Weather’s binding wind cage. Eventually, we came upon a transparent, bright box of shifting colors that looked like it was made out of electrical energy. Weather opened the cage with a free hand, and tossed me in with the other. I tried every power in my arsenal to get free, but none worked. I fell to my knees and started crying. “Death! Please help me! You said you loved me! You owe me happiness!”

            Weather ignored me. “Do you know what this is made of, Death?”

            He shook his head absently, watching me scream his name over and over again. I had never seen him look so heart-broken.

            “It’s made of an extremely rare metal that absorbs the power of the Gods. It will sap his powers away slowly, and eventually, he will be as a mortal, and he will no longer be dangerous.”

            “May I—may I visit him whenever I wish?” Chandra pleaded desperately.

            “…you may, but if I catch you trying to free him, you will end up in the same position.” Weather walked away, leaving us alone.

            I pounded the translucent metal and screamed. “You’re going to help me, aren’t you Chandra? You won’t leave me here? You’ll save me like you always do!”

            He walked up to me mechanically and placed a hand where mine was. “This is the best way to save you…”

            I was terrified when I realized that he really wasn’t going to save me this time--that he was going to leave me in there for a million years—that he was willing to let be become a mortal. That he would dare abandon me after all this time.

            I cursed at him. “I never want to see you again! Get out of here! I hope you die! You chose those mortal wretches over me!”

            He blinked sadly and leaned his forehead against the cage. “Goodbye Yeshua,”

            He left me cursing and crying at him until my throat hurt.

 

            My cage was tiny and claustrophobic. And a month in there was enough to drive my insanity even further.

            A month was also when my brother showed his sorry face again. I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest when I saw him, because I wanted to kill him. I knitted my brow. “Get out.”

            He shook his head. “I brought you your favorite story.”

            “You think reading a silly old children’s book will endear me to you again?” I placed my hands on the metal and made a face.

            “Calm down please, Yeshua. You love this story.” My brother pulled up a chair, opened the book and started reading.

            I yelled and screamed the whole time he was reading, begging him once again to let me out; once he finished the first chapter, he left.

 

            My brother came in every week from then on, and I bellowed at him so loudly that Weather, after a year or so, came in with Chandra to inspect my situation.

            “He is so loud,” Weather said. He looked down with a sigh as I went into a blackout rage. He looked down and then back at my brother. “Chandra, I was thinking… the only way to get your brother back might be to put him asleep for a long time until his anger abates and his heartbeat slows. His insanity runs so deeply now, I simply see no other way…”

            I was shaking with anger, and I was quiet for a moment.

            Chandra looked at him, worried to his bones. “Put him to sleep…? I could no longer speak to him…?”

            “His rage is unquenchable. We can still save him if we put him to sleep for a million years,” Weather insisted.

            Chandra walked up to me while I started to scream. I was screaming so loud I couldn’t hear what he said, and then I watched him turn and speak a bit more to Weather. They called in the God of sleep. The last thing I remember seeing was my brother putting a hand on my cage, he said something, but I could not hear, Sleep waved a hand, and I fell to the floor, unconscious.

 

            During all the years I was unconscious, Chandra was there the whole time. I didn’t know how I knew, but I heard his voice the whole time, reading to me perhaps, like he always did. Sometimes, I swore I heard him weeping, just missing my company. Sometimes, he would sing to me like he used to. I felt like I was wrapped in sweet music the whole time I was asleep. Slowly, it softened my spirit. But more than that, my brother was there, every day, just waiting for me to wake up. I never knew such devotion existed. I felt the toxicity rooted deep within my soul dissolve away.

            And when I awoke a million years later, I didn’t even realize I was awake. In a daze, I arose and looked around. Something was wrong. My range of vision was wider, and I no longer felt like myself. Not when I was made into Decay, and not before that either.

            I blinked, and I realized there were two eyes added to my face along with my original one. I felt even, but I also felt stunted and hazy, like everything I might have been before was pushed to the back of my head.

            Weather walked in with my brother. “What is your name?” Weather asked.

            I thought for a moment. “Justice,”

            Weather nodded. “Good.” He removed my prison. Clearly, Weather had made me into something else other than Decay.

            My brother was smiling ear to ear and ran up to me, throwing his arms around me in an embrace. “It’s so good to see you…”

            Awkwardly, I patted his back. “It is good to see you too, Death,”

            He held me at arm’s length, “Death..?”

            The problem was, Decay knew Chandra, but Justice and Vengeance did not. And for a long time, up until now, Decay was pushed far away from me. Justice and Vengeance neither knew, nor had any love for Chandra, because of what he did. Justice and Vengeance considered the release of the soul distasteful and beneath them. Because of that, I and Chandra slowly grew more and more apart. Chandra seemed to look at me through such sad eyes, like he knew he had lost someone he loved. And unfortunately, as time passed, and I found myself wanting my brother again when Decay began to resurface, he was no longer there for me. I never knew why.

           

            “What are you doing up so early?” Heidi said, sitting next to me on the stairs of the inn. “Are you nuts? Nobody gets up that early unless they have to.”

            I wanted to tell her—that way she would leave, go back home where she was safe—but I didn’t want her to go. She was one of only two friends I had in the world, and I was afraid too lose her. I couldn’t tell her. I wanted to be selfish—keep her to myself—regardless of her safety.

            I smiled with my eyes closed and my face tilted down. “Restless night,” I murmured.

            “Still so repressed. I guess that’s why I like you, though. I can run my mouth all day and you won’t interrupt me,” she laughed, squeezed my shoulder and went outside.

            I breathed in, and followed her a few minutes later. Katharos and all his soldiers were already outside. “Are you ready?”

            I looked away. “Actually, I was thinking I might go my own way from here. If you would, please take Heidi with you and protect her…”

            Katharos looked up at me askance. “Why…?”

            I was silent. And then I said, “Just do it, please,”

            “We wish to go with you. Heidi may not show it, but she’d be devastated if you left with no explanation. What’s wrong?” He tried again. He thought I was running away, and he was judging me the whole time, I knew. Because I was a God, like everyone else, he thought I was supposed to be perfect. I couldn’t stand it.

            “I can’t stand it anymore! You have grown so much in all these years and I haven’t grown one bit! A God is not meant to be like this. I should be far ahead of you, like the rest of the Gods are, but I feel as lost and as imperfect as I was all those years ago.” I covered my eyes, but I would not cry. Long ago, when Chandra was with me, I felt it was okay to cry. But now, now I felt it made me too imperfect, too mortal. Too weak.

            Katharos was confused. “Joshua, don’t you know why we have grown? We have grown so much because no one makes more mistakes than us and, no one makes them more unabashedly. I know you try your hardest, but it’s okay to make mistakes. You don’t need to feel bad just because you can’t be everything everyone else wants you to be. I have… been there,”

            I was being lectured by a child, a mortal child, and no one ever made more sense in my life. “I should be a beacon to look up to…”

            “I don’t look up to people who are perfect. I look up to people who are able to admit their mistakes and flaws. Those are the people to admire.” Katharos said with a smile.

            I was silent, and then I nodded. “You are right. I shall travel with you… a little longer.”

            He looked at me understandingly. “You don’t need to feel like you’re alone in this world anymore… I used to feel that way, before I met Asher.”

            “Why so close?”

            “He’s like my Father. I know what he’s done and I don’t approve. But I don’t need to. It’s not my forgiveness he must seek,” he eyed me carefully. “Besides, he knows he has my forgiveness, and he even knows what he did was wrong.”

            I looked at him, exhausted. “Is it… is it time to forgive?”

            He shrugged. “Only when you are ready,”

           

            We set off again, moving slowly, and Heidi walked by my side as we went. She was wearing her new dress, and I noticed that she was very clean. She did a little spin, which showed off her ugly shoes that did not match her dress, making it all the more endearing. “There was a stream nearby! Do I look like a Queen yet?”

            I smiled; silly girl. “You look stunning,”

            “You said that with absolutely no passion! What’s a girl to do…?” She giggled.

            She pulled on my sleeve. “Hey, I got something for you, too.”

            I stopped for a moment and looked at her, “like what?”

            “Nothing special…” She shrugged. She held out a bracelet for me. “I make bracelets in my spare time. I made this one a long time ago… it’s my favorite.”

            I looked at it dazedly. That she should give me this bracelet, the same gift I had given my brother… I held the bracelet in front of my face. It was so beautiful. “If it is your favorite, I wish you to keep it,”

            She shook her head. “No, no. Besides, I have nothing but bad memories attached to that thing. And, honestly… you’re my friend, I wish you to have it. I’ve had a lot of fun with you Joshua, I just want you to remember me when I’m dead, and you’re safely back in The Above,”

            I stared at her for a moment, and then I nodded with a smile. “Very well, but I need no trinket to remember you, Heidi.” I would have given anything, anything in the world to find a way to give her her missing lifespan back. 

            “So, do I get to know more about you for my troubles?” She inquired.

            “Like what?” I said quietly as we moved on.

            “Like why your brother is so important to you?” She asked.

            “I told you. He saved my life…” I shrugged.

            “Yes… but there’s only so far that goes. The man seems to be a monster. What is so special about him?”

            “Don’t say such things about someone you do not know,” I said quietly.

            “Joshua…” She looked away. “I just don’t think there’s any redeeming what he’s done. I can’t believe that anyone who heartlessly kills so many people can have much sanity left in them.”

            “You don’t know that. You know nothing about it, and I suggest you know what you’re talking about before you go spouting nonsense.”

            She looked offended for a moment and looked like she was going to come up with a retort, but her expression softened, and she nodded. “Sorry,”

            “Do not worry,” I replied. “To be honest, you could be right… it’s just—hard-to hear that about someone you love,”

            “You know, I was in love once. I dunno if you saw it sitting up on your cloud…”

            I was surprised. “You were? Well, I suppose I don’t see everything from up there.”

            “It was during the summer. You see, I thought he was like…” She searched for the words. “Like this unobtainable thing that women like me couldn’t have, based only on his looks. Then when he noticed me I guess I was blinded by my own silliness. He kept asking me for gold which I stole from my Father, and then when he got enough out of me, he used it to run off with some other girl who his parents didn’t approve of.”

            I shook my head. This poor girl. “That’s awful,”

            “It was more embarrassing than anything. It was stupid and when my Father found out I just…” She sighed. “I’m so sick of these memories…”

            “Maybe without him, you can make newer, happier memories.” I suggested, clasping my hands behind my back.

            She forced a smile. “With who?” She stared at me a little too long and I became embarrassed and looked away.

           

            She smiled. “I’m sorry. I was being rude,” she giggled as a butterfly landed right on her nose--

            But this wasn’t any butterfly; it was the vibrant pink butterfly I had chased all my life.

            I stared in utter shock, shaking my head in disbelief.

            What sort of divine joke was this, that the butterfly should lead me here, to a mortal woman? I always thought it would lead me to whatever I was missing in my life; I thought it would fix my problems and fix the empty feeling in my stomach if I finally managed to chase it down

            But this butterfly, landing on this mortal woman… I did not know what it meant, but I did know, no matter what, I had to keep her safe. She was a reminder for me, of how much I should always love mortals, and treat them fairly. She was a beacon of what it meant to be decent and kind, and I was ashamed of myself in her presence.

            “Something wrong, Joshua?” She asked.

            I shook my head. “No,” I would—miss—her company.

           

            When we made camp later that night, Katharos sat next to me in front of the camp fire and said, “We’re almost there now,” he nodded to himself, “just another day.”

            I looked over at Heidi, who was sitting among Katharos’ soldiers and was regaling them with her vibrant personality. “I wish you two would go home,”

            “We’ll be okay, Joshua.” He assured me. “I have a large contingent of soldiers and Asher here. Hopefully we will have peace within a week.”

            “Just promise me that you’ll leave if she threatens you in any way. I don’t think you can trust that woman.”

            “Because she worships Destruction?”

            At the mention of my Father, I cringed a little on the inside. “Because of her insanity.”

            “I don’t think she’s nuts enough to kill me outright,” he told me confidently, “Joshua, what’s the real reason you worry? Is your brother going to try and kill me?”

            “My brother cannot kill you. At least not from far away. I put a mark of protection on you,”

            “You did…? I didn’t even notice…”

            I shrugged. “I can be sneaky. But otherwise…” I was hurt. Hurt that my brother would try and hurt the mortals I loved, but I knew he would have if he could. “I think he would hurt you, just to hurt me…”

            Katharos looked at me compassionately, but said nothing. The love I had for my Godsibling was written all over my face.

            “I’m sorry Joshua. I hope you can talk some sense into him.” Katharos said honestly. “There’s never really been anyone in my life to love, aside from Asher and Heidi. My parents died when I was very young… at least you had someone, if only for a time.” He laughed softly. “I’m sorry; I’m making this about me.”

            “I like hearing about you more,” I said truthfully.

            “You sound like you need a long break,” Katharos said. “I get exhausted myself. Day and night it’s the same political routine. I have to hear so many murder trials… it makes me sick at heart. The things people do… So many troubles. I just want to quit.”

            I looked at my feet. “How… how can you stand it? And not hate mortals?”

             “I hate plenty of mortals. Sometimes I don’t know if I can ever love them… but sometimes I meet people who give to others at their own expense. I follow their example. You know, when I was young, I had a pretty bad temperament after my parents passed. Everything was always about me; I didn’t care anything for my own people… I was terrible to them. I even spat on an old man once… and then he told me he knew about my parents and he felt badly for me. It was as if the core of my being changed that day. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said.” He shook his head. “I’m so embarrassed by the stupid things I did…”

            I was embarrassed too. Embarrassed to think I ever shut these wonderful creatures out of my life, and embarrassed to think I had them all pegged as the same. It was time for me to make a gesture to them, because I loved them so much.

            “Katharos?” I asked.

            “Yes?”

            “I—I shall miss you.”

            “Miss me? I told you that we wanted to go with you.”

            I looked at him sincerely. “I failed you all… I will make it right. Come, I wish to speak with you and Heidi alone.” I told him and then climbed to my feet and walked over to Heidi.

           

            “What is it?” Heidi asked.

            The night was cold, my lungs colder. I asked her and Katharos to move away from the others so we could talk alone. Even with my boosted powers, I was still freezing, still stripped of much of my powers. I was already feeling the loneliness setting in.

            “Heidi, Katharos, do you know why Justice and Vengeance exist?” I asked.

            They shook their heads.

            “It’s time you did…” I looked up at the night sky, and recounted the sad tale of my life to them.

 

            I pressed my ear against the closed building in The Above where Weather spoke to Gods who required privacy.

            “You told me his personality would be preserved!” Chandra yelled furiously.

            “I told you he is dangerous. His volatile personality will be absorbed, and he will pose no more threats to us, more importantly, he himself will be happier with a stable personality,” Weather said coolly.

            I heard a crash; perhaps my brother slamming his fists into the table. “He won’t have a personality; he will only be an ideal! An empty soul going about a mechanical routine each day!”

            “He is a God. He does not need a personality. Do you need your brother that badly, Death?”

            I couldn’t listen anymore. I was the monster. There was no one to blame but myself.

 

            Heidi was shocked. She covered her mouth with both her hands and shook her head. “You killed all those people…”

            I said nothing. There was no excuse. Katharos was quiet, looking at his feet. In the background, his soldiers were still laughing and having fun.

            “I can’t believe I let you convince me that any God could actually care about me…” She was in tears, and her voice was choked. “You poisoned this entire world because you were angry at a few mortals… you are the one who killed my plants—the reason why so much of this world is dead—how could you? With your lack of respect for living creatures, did you only save me as a joke? Are you going to kill me later just to laugh about it?”

            I couldn’t help it. I had to object to that comment. “Heidi, I would never kill you…”

            “If you really do like me then I’m sickened by the thought that someone as perverse as you cares me! Katharos, can you spare a few soldiers to take me home?” She wiped her tears away, and I looked blankly away, not daring to look upon her face full of disdain.

            “Of course Heidi,” Katharos nodded. “In the morning, you can leave.”

            She walked away sobbing, and I felt numb. I closed my eyes, feeling a painful pressure on my chest. I missed her already.

            “I shall leave now,” I said, getting to my feet.

            “I didn’t say we had to travel apart,” Katharos said.

            I looked back at him confusedly. “You should hate me…”

            “Do you want me to?” Katharos said sarcastically.

            I didn’t know what to say, so I was quiet.

            “You don’t deserve my hatred right now. Hatred is too easy. It’s much harder travelling with someone who loves you despite what you did,” Katharos said solemnly. “But… that was also a long time ago… everyone makes mistakes Joshua. Gods just make them on a larger scale. And although I know you meant what you did at the time, they have cured your insanity. And I know no harm will come to me if I go with you. Maybe it’s time someone bothered to look after you.”

            I shook my head and fell to my knees. “You are wrong. I still feel so angry. You will not be safe with me. I want you to hate me—give me an excuse to be alone again—why won’t you give it to me?”

            Katharos touched my head somberly. “You know what you’ve done wrong. And I shall be the first to forgive you,”

                        I looked up. I bit back tears and looked into Katharos’ black eyes. This was no longer about getting home for me. It was about these two mortals who I loved. Soon, my seal of protection on them would wear off, and my brother could do anything he wished to them.

            “I am—jealous of you—why are you so much better than me?”

            This time, it was his turn to stay quiet. “Joshua, you lied to me, didn’t you? About… how you looked after me personally and saved my life? The way you judge is not biased… why did you lie to me?”

            “I didn’t want you to lose faith…”

            “I never would have lost faith. I always wish to know the truth. I would have had better respect for you if you had told me the truth… I’ve admired you all these years because you do the job nobody else wants to do, and somehow, you’re still okay despite everything.”

            I breathed in, feeling the guilt and embarrassment being lifted away; the shackles of punished I lashed myself to long ago were being lifted. It was time to be Yeshua again, my one true self, because I was given permission to be.

 

            Heidi was gone in the morning when I awoke. Katharos had already sent two soldiers with her to takes her home. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. Somehow, things just felt empty without her nearby. More than that, I felt incredibly weak. I tried to get to my feet, but I fell down when I tried.

            “Are you okay?” Katharos asked gently.

            I felt so weak and bone tired, it was an effort just climbing to my feet. “I—it’s Heidi. I never had her belief, but now she hates me…. It weighs me down…”

            “Why is her faith so important?” Katharos asked.

            “Because I.. . Have feelings for her.” I quavered. Love was too hard a word for me to say.

            “I thought that would drive you mad…?” Katharos asked, surprised.

            “It would only drive me mad if I spent too much time with her.” I closed my eyes and breathed harshly. “It hurts…”

            Katharos motioned to Asher, and he helped me to stand. “Just a little longer, Joshua. Hang in there.”

 

            I closed my eyes as we finished walking to the Maheshan country. “I’m sorry Asher; I know you want nothing to do with me…”

            “I have no problem doing anything for Katharos. So do not worry about it.” Asher said quietly.

            “Okay,” Katharos said. “This is it.”

            I opened my eyes, and there was a gaping hole in the ground with two soldiers standing guard. Blinking tiredly, I watched Katharos, winged arms clasped behind his back, walk up to the soldiers and converse with them for a bit with hazy vision. After a moment, the Maheshan guards nodded and moved aside.

            Katharos disappeared from sight into the underground city. Asher walked me down into the city as well. The city was beautiful. There were glowing blue mushrooms lighting our way as we went, and blue translucent moss everywhere. There were round buildings and Mahesha bustling about everywhere.

            As we walked down the winding spiral further into The Below, we came upon a final gate, and Nikolai was waiting for us behind the gate. He was angry. “I told you to convince the boy to stay away!”

            “I have my own will, thank you. I will go where I wish,” Katharos interjected; slightly offended that Nikolai ignored him.

            Nikolai, looking indignant and eying me angrily, opened the gate and let Katharos in. My head was feeling so hot that I leaned my head on Asher’s shoulder and I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

 

            “She’s dying…” I heard Katharos say.

            I opened my eyes. My head was still leaning on Asher’s shoulder.

            Katharos was kneeling next to a woman who was bleeding to death. “What happened?”

            “It’s Hephzibah, the Queen… she is mad. She was walking through the street with a contingent of soldiers and we threw food at her… we didn’t think she’d to kill us… she taxes us so much we have no food for ourselves…”

            “Being foolish isn’t the way to get things to change,” Katharos said softly. “Joshua, perhaps you might help?”

            With a hazy mind, I touched a hand to the woman’s forehead, and healed her wounds. In her eyes, I saw a gleam of hope. “You are a God…?”

            “Yes. I am Justice.” I said dazedly, barely aware of what I was doing. 

            “I see… thank you… for saving me,” many people passing by saw my act of kindness and gathered around.

            “Have allies of Destruction come to save us from the servitude of Hephzibah?” I heard one say.

            “Is he related to Destruction? Has he come to take us to The Above?” Said another.

            It was a jumbled mess of voices mingled together, and it hurt my head, but, after a moment, I was filled with their faith, and it helped fill the void that Heidi left in my spirit. I shot to my feet, feeling weak, but energized.

            “Touching him will bring us luck!” All of them said at once.

            They reached out and touched me, and I smiled gently. I wrapped many of them in a large embrace, and after a moment, I was ready to keep moving. “Hang on,” I told them, “I know you will all be safe soon.”

            I loved them, I realized. I was willing to die for mortals again, which was something I had not felt in a long time. This was everything I was meant to do with my life, the butterfly had proved it. It didn’t even matter that these people worshipped my Father, the man I hated most and who had made me into a monster. I felt the hatred I harbored towards melt from my soul. I knew whatever love they harbored toward me may not last, and it was conditional, as it always was. But I realized… that was okay. Mortals were fickle, and they had it rough. If I didn’t solve their problems for them, I could not blame them for losing faith—some of them lived lives far more difficult than my own—I shouldn’t love them for giving me their faith, I should love them for being good people.

            I waved goodbye to the crowd and walked next to Katharos as we moved through the underground city to the castle in the distance. “Are you okay Joshua? Do you need to rest…?”

            “I am fine. I feel like my eyes have been opened. Mortals are so special.” I smiled happily. I was thinking of one woman in particular when I said that. I couldn’t stop thinking about her wrinkly human smile, her brown eyes, or her quirky, boisterous spirit.

            Katharos looked at me, intrigued. But he said nothing. He was smart enough to know whatever I might be thinking.

            Once we arrived at the castle, Nikolai was waiting for us again. He threw up his hands, “I warned you, but fine. If he dies, you’ve only yourself to blame. I’ll take you to Mom,” Nikolai overdramatically stepped away from me. “Where’s your lady-friend? You know… the sensible one who stopped you from killing me?”

            I still harbored very ill feelings toward my nephew. I needed someone to blame for my brother’s coldness. This vacant, soulless shell of the brother I once loved who left a rift in my life; a hard feeling in my stomach… and the product of what he had become was this child. Nikolai could have been a saint I would still harbor hatred towards him. Before the rage set in, I said quickly, “Take us to Hephzibah.”

            He turned around with a humph and opened the double doors to the relatively small cobble castle. He held the door open for us, and then ran ahead of us slightly, leading us along. “This way,”

            The castle was garish. There were tapestries of Hephzibah hanging around everywhere, clearly overly priced rugs below my feet, and rare flowers that did not grow near the Maheshan country at all placed in vases all over the castle. Hephzibah was unabashedly vain, and, unabashedly loose with her gold, it seemed.

            We arrived at two large double-doors, and Nikolai knocked.

            “I told you, I am not having any gatherings today, or guests, or any complaints from my subjects!”

            “It’s me, Mom,” Nikolai said with a heavy sigh.

            “…Nikolai? Darling, come in.” Hephzibah’s voice rang out clearly.

            Nikolai pushed the doors open and let us in.

            Hephzibah was the only one in the throne room. She was wearing a dress that probably cost more than Heidi’s house and everything she owned put together. She had her head on the arm of the chair, and her feet on the other arm, looking bored. “Dear, who are these peasants?”

            “It’s Father’s brother, Mom and King Katharos. Remember? You asked me to bring them here. I would have teleported them here, but Father wished me not to…” He said uncomfortably.

            Hephzibah sat up. She had a disgusted look on her face. “Darling, don’t stand next to them, you might catch something. Come here, dearest.”

            Nikolai came and stood next to his mother. They both seemed to be impossibly beautiful. Hephzibah was a lean and graceful woman. Thin, but not overly much so. She had tilted eyes that naturally made her look alluring, and like all Mahesha, she had four arms. She was purple in color; with blue hair. I could see the same insanity in her eyes that plagued my brother. The difference was; my brother was vacant, no more emotions, just a cruel kind of insanity. Hephzibah, however, was unstable and all over the place with her feelings and expressions.

            “Oh yes. Mr. Smalls wishes to speak with that one,” she said, pointing to me. “I don’t know why. He’s hideous. Mr. Smalls has been busy as of late, however. So he may or may not show up anytime soon. In the meantime dearest, you can set up some quarters for him. As for the bird, Katharos, I wish to speak with him. But not now. Make them go away. Mommy has a headache,” she put a slender, graceful hand to her forehead, and looked like she was in intense pain.

            Nikolai put a hand to his mother’s forehead. “Mom, maybe you ought to go to sleep, or call in a healer….”

            “Get out!” She snapped.

            He looked like she’d struck him, and then he breathed in deeply closing his eyes. “This way,” he said to us.

           

            I wasn’t one for details, and as Nikolai led us through the seemingly endless castle—up flights of stairs, through corridors, kitchens, and through large banquet halls—I zoned out and started thinking of other things. I let my mind rest in what few happy memories I had. Most of them involved Heidi, who had no great beauty in comparison to Hephzibah, but who I somehow found to be so captivating. It was as if she had grown to be something beautiful right before my eyes when nothing about her had changed. It was I who had changed.

            Nikolai eventually got me to my quarters, and I went inside and, after saying goodbye to Katharos and telling him to be careful, I threw myself upon my bed. I felt impossibly exhausted. The bed was too small, and it was nothing compared to sleeping on a cloud, but I was too tired to care.

 

            I was alone. Alone on a plain, shining green field under the stars. The butterfly floated around me, and landed on a figure that came into existence next to me. It was Heidi.

            I looked at her lovingly. She was the only mortal whose hair I wished to touch, who I would die for… who I wanted to be with. But, when I finally got over my fear and touched her hair, I turned into Vengeance, and he started pulling her hair so hard I thought her head might come off.

 

            I awoke, not getting enough sleep. With my powers waning, my life was getting more and more tiring. I felt dirty and greasy which was another alien feeling to me. There was a hot bath prepared for me when I awoke, however, and I gladly washed the filth off of myself. Although I hardly fit in the tub.

            Afterwards, I lifted myself out of the tub, my muscles sore and my eyes ever heavy. The sinking feeling in my stomach was not helping, either. The pervading feeling of gloom and depression seemed to be stuck in my veins. I never knew how much I wished to be happy, until I felt so depressed. It made me miss the feeling of always feeling thing in a muted fashion, neither too happy, or too sad. It was a half-feeling, almost like being half-alive, but it was also safer…

            I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door. It was Nikolai. “Mom wishes to have a word with you,”

            I looked at him distastefully without even realizing it, at which he looked somewhat embarrassed. I nodded quietly.

            As he led me through the castle once again, he said to me, “I know you’re still thinking the same thing. I don’t need your approval just to exist and I think you should be ashamed for thinking it my fault that your brother is a monster. He made his own decisions.”

            “It is not his fault! It’s that witch of a mother of yours!” I snapped. I would let no one; no one in the entire world, bad mouth my brother.

            Nikolai didn’t care though, and had too many bad memories of Chandra to keep to himself, it seemed. “I know I didn’t know my Father before he was gripped by the insanity, but all I know is I hate him now! At least Mom loves me—at least she feels things—but my Father is a monster. I’ve seen him torture people to death without changing expressions. If I don’t do what he wishes he torments my mind! I can’t even make eye contact with him because he tells me not to! He is as ashamed of me as you are! But I didn’t… it’s not my fault…” He trailed off sadly.

            I looked at him, faintly bemused. I couldn’t understand his line of thinking. I could not see things unbiased, because I was blinded by a love and loyalty that would ever linger because of a boy named Yeshua. Hephzibah, on the other hand, I was unbiased against. I could not see her as anything less than a monster. The way she treated her subjects; what she did to my brother.

            “I can’t see her through your eyes,” I said simply.

            “Then don’t say a word against her,” he said sharply.

            He finished taking me to the throne room in silence, and Nikolai opened the doors for me. There was a large table set up in the middle of the large room. Hephzibah was seated there.

            “Sit at the other end,” she said. “Sweetheart, you come sit by me,” she said to Nikolai.

            I sat at the other end, the chair was very small, and I had to sit down carefully. “What is it you wish of me? Is my brother here?”

            “No. I just wish to know… why does Mr. Smalls wish to speak to you?” She said with a bitter look on her face.

            “He wants the fear from mortals to bolster his powers. Did Nikolai not tell you?”

            She looked upset—on the verge of tears—I looked upon her with something akin to pity.

            “I—I haven’t spoken to him in three years… he only speaks to Nikolai now and Nikolai promised to Mr. Smalls to keep most of what he tells him secret.. I… all I can see are his eyes in my mind. I love them.” she said quietly, putting a weary hand to her forehead.

            Nikolai put a hand on her shoulder. “Mom, are you okay?”

            “Do I look okay?” She raised her voice. To me she said, “If you know why, please tell me. Does he not love me anymore? I can’t have anyone else…”

            “My brother is a God. Gods do not like prolonged contact with mortals. They generally don’t fall in love with them. It is best for both parties.”

            She threw her plate in frustration and it shattered against the wall. She placed a palm against her head and closed her eyes in a kind of tired depression. “It’s not fair for him to come and dement us both and leave again! He has forgotten me entirely, hasn’t he?”

            I nearly jumped out of my skin when she threw that plate. I breathed in and cleared my throat. “May I go now?”

            She opened her eyes. “He used to talk about you so often. He said you were not the same. He said he was alone and depressed and disgusted by mortals. It is your fault he came into my life.”

            “If it’s any consolation, he is as mad as you are,” I offered. “And… he might miss you. But the other Gods caught what he was doing and stopped him.”

            Nikolai gave me a look. “Don’t listen to him give you false hope, Mom. If he cared anything for you he would have stopped at nothing to be with you…”

            “But he speaks to you sometimes, yes? Why not me?” Hephzibah cried to her son.

            “He has no kind words for me, Mom. He is a monster.”

            “And I am a monster too! Why can’t he see we belong together?”

            I was uncomfortable and wanted to bolt from the room. “Please… can I go?”

            “Both of you shut up! I can’t think with this noise. Get that hideous thing out of here,” Hephzibah said, looking at me cruelly.

            Nikolai led me out of the room, and I bumped into Katharos outside the door, always followed by Asher. “I was just doing some exploring, Joshua. Do you wish to come with me?”

            I was still disgruntled from the conversation I just had. I felt like I was slowly melting back into Decay, and Decay still had the mind of a foolish child. He did not know how to handle insanity. I nodded and followed Katharos. “I thought you had plans to talk peace with her.”

            “I already started this morning. She seems—cooperative—I hope she continues to be. I think she must be being honest in her efforts if she allowed me to bring so many soldiers with me.”

            Nikolai stayed behind and longingly looked at the large double-doors we just came through. He wished to see his Mother, to make sure she was okay. But he knew he might make things worse. He simply wanted to find someone, anyone at all, who had love for him in their heart. And the closest thing to that was his Mother.

            And just then, I realized that Nikolai deserved far better than what he got in life. It was a miracle he was as well-adjusted as he was. He did not choose his parents, but he had to live through whatever mistakes they made. I was wrong about him.

 

            Katharos and I ended up in a garden. He sat down on a stone bench. “Hephzibah wishes to continue negotiations tonight, do you wish to come?”

            I couldn’t believe he was actually going through with negotiations with that sad creature. “You are going to die. I will come, yes.”

            He smiled. “Thanks for the moral support.”

            I smiled a little at that, and then we were both silent.I looked at him intently. “Have you ever been a child, Katharos?”

            He looked at me distantly. “No,”

            “Do you care?”

            “I resent it—but I’d feel guilty if I ran away--I just want my people to live well. The land where I am from is dead. No food, no money, no happiness. It’s enough to make my heart ache. I’d die for them to get the happiness I just can’t seem to find… I’d like someone to be happy, you know…” He looked so very exhausted. Like he was ready to be done, but knew he couldn’t rest.

            “You’re the kindest person I know… much kinder than Heidi.” I said bitterly. I couldn’t believe what I’d said even while I said it. The feeling of bitter resentment I had towards her was unfounded and it was also a feeling of petty anger.

            “Heidi is one of my dearest friends… don’t talk about her like that. She is far kinder than me. You should know better than anybody that if either of us were to bolt it would be her. She was waiting for you to disappoint her like everyone else does, and you did.”

            “You’re right… I am only talking this way because I resent her for leaving. I am shocked she did not leave the first time I almost killed her. She only wished to help—to repay me for saving her life—I failed her… I should have told her the truth right off. It’s so hard once you get to a certain point though.”

            “You can’t help what you were. But Heidi isn’t dumb. She knows you are not the same as Decay. It’s hard for her, though… she has no faith in others. One of the only people you are meant to trust in your life—your father—betrayed her…. Don’t you think she’s pretty amazing for holding on so well, and being kind deep down despite a tough exterior?”

            My eyes gleamed with unshed tears at how much I found I missed her. “Yes. I do…”

 

            I found myself becoming increasingly exhausted throughout the day. I explored the castle for many hours, and then had to take a nap. People were losing faith in me already, I knew. The power was being drained from me, and when it was time for Katharos’ peace negotiations, I barely managed to drag myself to the throne room. Of course I did not go to talk of politics, but only to make sure Katharos was not harmed.

            I was surprised at how composed Hephzibah was during the negotiations. Nothing like how she acted around me… something was definitely wrong.

            When I zoned in to the conversation again after letting my mind wander, Katharos was looking at a treaty with Hephzibah’s stipulations upon it. After reading it, he said, “I can’t sign this…”

            “Why?” She asked nonchalantly.

            “This practically stipulates that you can use my people as slave labor without the hassle of a war…”

            “Yes? You wish to avoid one, don’t you? You know we would decimate your people. This way at least no one gets hurt.” She said with a wicked smile.

            “I see… was this what you meant all along? You know I can’t agree to this.”

            “Do you wish your people dead?” She asked, examining her nails.

            “No… but you must concede that this is far from fair… surely you wish to avoid a war, to spare your people.”

            “Do you really think I care anything for my people? They are a wretched, filthy, people. They never obeyed the law, and their faith in Destruction is being shaken. For a Mahesha, that is despicable.”

            “Destruction would destroy everyone on The Below if it suited him! You are insane for worshipping him!” I cut in without thinking.

            “Joshua, please,” Katharos said sharply. He turned back to Hephzibah. “Please try to see things my way. Would you sign this if you were in my position?”

            “I am not in your position. It is your own fault you don’t seize power where you can. Power is the only way to get what you want.”

            Katharos breathed in, and then sighed. “So I have come all this way for nothing?”

            “Not for nothing--there are about two-hundred soldiers out that door—if you don’t cooperate, you will be hurt badly. Nikolai, please escort Katharos to his prison. Take your uncle as well…” she looked at me distastefully.

            Nikolai appeared next to Katharos and grabbed his arm. Katharos did not struggle, being the peaceful sort, and Nikolai grabbed the boy roughly. Yanking Katharos along with him, Nikolai made his way over to me. Feeling too tired and hazy to fight back, Nikolai touched my arm and teleported us to the dungeon and shoved us in separate cells. I collapsed on all fours when he pushed me.

            In the cell next to me, Katharos grabbed his bars and looked over at me worriedly. “Joshua, are you okay?”

            “I am losing the prayers.” I breathed harshly. I was in severe pain, Heidi was gone, the prayers were gone, and Katharos could be killed on the morrow. My powers were being drained so fast… I felt my personality slip away and I shifted into Vengeance, who grabbed the same bars as Katharos and rattled them angrily.

            Katharos fell backwards and dragged himself away from me, breathing harshly. He looked over at me in fear. Vengeance reached as far as he could, but because of my weakened state, he was too weak to break them and get to Katharos.

            I don’t remember much from there. Yeshua had blacked out. It was almost like sweet bliss not having to deal with my problems.

 

            When I opened my eyes, Nikolai was outside my cell. “Joshua. Mr. Smalls is here. He wishes to speak with you.”

            “Wha—I’m afraid…” I tried to lift myself up but I fell. “I am too weak… help me, please.”

            Nikolai opened the cell and put a hand on my back, hefting me onto his shoulder.

            “Do I have to see him now? I am exhausted.”

            “He says now….” Nikolai murmured.

            I can’t talk to him like this… I need to be able to stand up to him. For the first time in a long time, I reached out to him with my mind.

            Don’t invade my mind without my permission, please. I get enough of that from Father. You know he doesn’t take no for an answer…

            He doesn’t…?

            You really know nothing about him, don’t you? Nikolai shook his head. He is not the same person anymore, whoever he may have been before,

            Will you help me? I mean, if he tries to hurt me?

            Why should I? Nikolai crossed his arms. Do I owe you something? Simply for being my uncle?

            I am sorry, Nikolai. You are not a monster. It is not your fault my brother is the way he is now. You were just easy to blame. In fact… you remind me of him when he was younger. I told him honestly. Except he was much haughtier than my brother.

            He sighed aloud. Don’t ever say that about me. My Mother deserved better than him. I will help if it suits me. You do need to pay, however, for the nasty things you said.

            It was enough, I thought. I found the strength within myself to stand on my own. “Let’s go.”

 

            It was night. Nikolai brought me out to the garden. I looked around the hedges for my brother. When my eyes came into focus, I noticed two red eyes peering at me from the dark. I couldn’t help but smile and take a step forward. Chandra, I am… happy to see you.

            What are you doing here? His red, blank eyes blinked at me from the darkness. 

            They said you wanted to see me. I told him awkwardly. I laughed a little and moved a little more towards him again, longing for the feeling of acceptance I used to find in his embrace.

            I suppose I did. I cannot wait to kill you.

            My lip wobbled unexpectedly at that comment and I felt a lump in my throat. Before I could answer, however, Hephzibah appeared in the door connecting the garden to the castle. She saw Mr. Smalls and ran over to him with a wild look in her eyes and threw her arms about him. “Darling, I haven’t seen you in years…”

            Chandra’s pupils shrunk and he returned her wild look. I expected him to shove her away, to hurt her badly, to break her bones—I was shocked when he put his arms around her and kissed her forehead with that vacant look on his face—I was disgusted by my own brother. This taboo was unacceptable. I see… Nikolai must have told you what I told him.

            Why do you speak to Nikolai? I had the impression you wished to have nothing to do with your family. I asked, taking a step back from him and his lover as she kept cooing lovingly at Chandra.

            He held her face in his hands and stared into her eyes. They seemed to be melting into one another. I shuddered. When I first met this woman, she was a normal mortal. Impossibly beautiful, good head on her shoulders, but normal. She had the same sort of contempt for mortals that I had. I watched her from The Above and came down to meet her one day. She fell in love me and convinced me to kiss her. She is now mad. I like her a lot more this way.

            Do you… do you like yourself more this way?

            I feel happy, which is more than you could say. This is what I was meant to be, and I can finally embrace it.

            Chandra, if you do not stop killing mortals wantonly, I will use your name.

            He was unphased. You may use it. I consider Chandra to be dead.

            Dead…? My eyes shone with unshed tears.

            He looked away for a moment—I thought he might be coming back to reality—but then he said, do you really think I care about what is wrong and right? I will live forever, and I will see mortals kill one another over and over again until they die or evolve into something else. What does doing right matter when they will die anyway? When they will spur each other to their deaths quicks than nature ever could? I only care about doing my job now. And you are no longer my brother. I do not even know who you are anymore.

            He disengaged from Hephzibah and he started walking very slowly towards me, his glaring eyes coming closer and closer. He looked into my eyes directly, and I found my grip on reality being shaken.

            I shook my head and averted my gaze. I was being torn apart. Why did you wish to kill me? I know you crave power, but does the time we had together when we were children mean nothing to you? You risked Father’s punishment for me… you lied for me. You saved my life. You can’t tell me you are gone entirely. That you do not care for me at all anymore…

            For a moment, he looked at me silently, and then he said vacantly, if you die while you are down here, the other Gods will not notice. I can’t believe I wasted so much of my life coddling you.

            The words echoed and stung my mind. It was as if the net that was always there to catch me was no longer there. I could no longer fall again. Why? What did I do to you?

            He did not answer, and then he said, you know what. I can’t wait to end you, but right now, Weather is watching. He is to send a rainstorm tonight, and he has his eyes on this place. Luckily, he does not check indoors. In three days, you will be dead. Look at me.

            I looked at him with tears in my eyes. I do not wish to live without you, Chandra.

            That is good. You will get your wish, Justice. I will tell her to release you and your little friend for now. He stepped away from me and stood next to Hephzibah.

            “Darling, will you stay?” She asked lovingly.

            He touched her cheek, and then disappeared. She wasn’t upset. “He still loves me… Nikolai, please release Katharos for now.”

            Nikolai looked at me with an intent look on his face, and then he nodded to his Mother.

 

            I didn’t know what happened, but over the next three days, I felt the power returning to me again. I still felt weak, but my power was back up to the point where I felt comfortable again.

            But not enough to face my brother. I felt as if my life had been nothing but one disappointment after the next and the one person who hadn’t disappointed me was gone. I would miss him. It wasn’t just that he used to spoil me—it was his quiet kindness, his generous smile, and how he taught me what it was to be good—he never gave up on me. Not once. He was there for me for all those days I was locked in that prison. He cured my insanity and saved my life. Few people in life were willing to go that far for you. And I had ruined him. I wept bitterly like a child when I realized my brother no longer even liked me. But it was worse than that. It was as if my brother had died and been replaced. He was still around, but it was like a monster wearing the face of someone I knew, who was now dead. It hurt my insides and made me sick.

            Sitting in the garden, I looked into the distance and cried silent tears. Wiping them away as they came.

             Katharos appeared in the circular garden door, and shut the door behind him. He approached me silently. Katharos sat next to me. “Why was I freed?

            “Because my brother wished you to be,” I said simply.

            “You saw him?” He asked breathlessly. “Did he tell you why he was doing this?”

            I shook my head.

            “You should forget about him,” Katharos suggested, looking down. “He is not the same.”

            But I couldn’t forget. Not after how far he had gone for me. I had to do all in my power to convince my brother to stop what he was doing.

            I shook my head. “You know I can’t do that… He would have died for me back then, I must do the same.” I said quietly.

            “He doesn’t care about you anymore.” He told me plainly.

            “It’s none of your business. You weren’t there.” I said angrily. I knew he was right, and he was trying to save my life, but I couldn’t stand to hear the truth at that moment.

            “It hurts so badly…” I just couldn’t seem to stop crying.

            “I know you think you have no one Joshua, but not matter what, I’m on your side.” He told me firmly.

            I smiled a wobbly smile. If anyone else had said it, I would have doubted them. But there was no one as sincere as Katharos.

 

            I lay in bed and conserved energy, just waiting to see my brother again. Waiting to live or die.

            There was a knock on my door. “Joshua?” That was Nikolai.

            “Yes? I replied tiredly.

            He opened the door and walked in. “You’re looking a little better. More red than pale red like you were a few days ago.”

            “What do you want?” I asked with a sigh. I was tired of the way mortals liked to beat around the bush.

            “Are you going to kill my Father?” He asked.

            “No. I do not even have the power to right now. If I die, will you promise me to try and convince him to stop?”

            “You still don’t get it, do you? He’s mad. Completely gone. He only wants one thing now; the death of mortals.”

            “I was mad, and he saved me!” I countered. “Why can’t I save him in return? Why can’t I do anything right?”

            Nikolai was taken aback. “Sorry…” Then after a moment, “do you know what a mind-scream is?”

            “Yes…” I murmured. I didn’t wish to think of the mind scream at the moment.

            He looked distraught. “It—hurts—my father torments me with it, you understand if I don’t weep when he dies…”

            I smiled at him, and sat up, my feet on the floor. “You deserve a reward for trying to be good, Nikolai. Every child born deserves a chance, and I don’t think you got one. I’m—sorry—for what I said to you. It’s not your fault your parents are the way they are… I’m shocked you’re as kind as you are.”

            Nikolai was crying. He threw his arms about me. “I just want to be happy… want to feel like I was meant to be here. Not like some sort of abomination.”

            I closed my eyes painfully. “I won’t let them ruin you. I want to give you the chance my brother gave me…”

 

            And so, three days later, in the underground city, when I was outside the castle, walking among the people, doing what I could to help them, my brother appeared. The people scattered when they saw him, screaming about death coming for them.

            I felt dread creeping in on my soul. My brother’s black eyes stared back at me, and I shrank back within myself, frightened. I stood tall and let my hands lay lank at my sides. Wind travelled from up above and rustled in my hair.

             “You used to love mortals…” I looked down. “Do you really want to kill them?”

            He looked down his nose at me. That was before I realized you were right about them. While you were in that prison, I watched them for years. They killed themselves so often I could hardly believe it. They had no respect for us Gods, each other, or the world they walked upon. They deserved what they got. There is no place for such mindless creatures.

            “No. I was wrong about them.  It was my fault they were the way they were—I coddled them; made them dependent, disrespectful—they needed a chance to grow on their own, and I never gave them that. But look how far they’ve come--I know they’re not perfect—but I’m proud of them. I was unhappy—mad—because they didn’t love me. But the real problem was that I stopped loving them. Once a mortal is born on this world, they deserve a chance to be loved! You taught me that.”

            He shook his head. I was deluded by the other Gods. The only bliss in this world is death.

            “What about your son? What about Hephzibah? You must have fallen in love with her for a reason!”

            Who said anything about love?

            “Do you wish to kill them?” I demanded.

            He had a conflicted, wild look in his bizarre tiny pupils. I cannot kill my son, or his Mother.

            “But they are mortals. Therefore, you should wish to kill them too,” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nikolai, Katharos, and Hephzibah approach us, but stay out of the way at the same time.

            They are not disgusting mortals! My brother countered.

            “But they are mortals nonetheless. They are not all the same. They are special, and that is what makes them wonderful.”

            An exception, he assented, but you of all people should know the core of their beings are bitter and corrupted. They cannot change their animalistic behavior.

            “And me? Will you kill me for opposing me? Despite all we’ve been through?”

            For just a moment, I saw a flicker of regret in his eyes and then he was back to his blank expression. I loved you, he said. I would have given anything for you. I wanted you to have the life my Father robbed from me. I sat by you every day, just wishing you would open your eyes. You were my reason to keep going. When you finally woke up, after all those years, I was ready for things to go back to the way they were between us, before you were consumed by madness. But when you opened your eyes, and you did not even recognize me anymore, I realized you were gone. You did not throw your arms about me, or even look happy to see me, it was as if you never knew me… you were not the person I loved, and you never would be again—you were Justice and Vengeance. You left me alone for all those years. Alone with the mortals.

            My eyes were wet. “I am that person again!”

            Then why are your yellow and green eyes still open? Why are you not the innocent, loving brother I once knew? Why are you going among mortals? Why did you fall in love with one?

            “I am not in love—Heidi is my friend—and you know I would be a monster if it weren’t for Justice and Vengeance. Please… let us just go home now.”

            He was unimpressed. I want to kill you. You are a soulless mess who wears the face of my brother.

            He saw me the way I saw him. It was terrible to lose someone so close to your heart.

            “If you care nothing for me, why do you still wear that bracelet?”

            He still wore that bracelet I had made him so long ago. It was worn, torn, and less vibrant, but it was still there.

            He stared at me for a moment. Then he looked up at the ceiling and back at me.

            He said nothing, but approached me slowly. Once he was a foot away from me—fast as lightning, he seized the back of my hair, and yanked it backwards, making me look right into his eyes.

            “Chandra!” I screamed. I immediately felt control over my brother. I pushed him back with my mind.

            He staggered backward. I held him with my mind for as long as possible. I pushed him down, to anyone watching it would look like gravity itself was pushing him down. Still his expression did not change. He was not worried.

            Under his breath, I heard him murmur, “Yeshua,”

            I felt an invisible hand grip my neck; my throat was being crushed by it. I gasped for breath and fell to my knees, too low on energy to fight back. As I fought for my last breath, I lifted a hand and my brother flew backwards into a wall of the underground city.

            I coughed, gasping for air. I got to my feet after a moment, wondering if I might have killed my brother. Sweating and breathing harshly, I looked about, frightened. It was so quiet, but I knew he couldn’t possibly be—

            A force hit my back and pushed me down. My brother pinned me down, trying to look right into my eyes again. I closed all three of them, but I felt a searing pain as a fist collided with my green and yellow eyes. I screamed in pain when he hit both eyes so hard that they bled. It was over, I had no strength left. He put his hands on my neck again wanting to kill me with his bare hands.

            I heard something in the distance, but my ears were ringing too much to tell what it was. I screwed my eyes closed, ready to die; I could feel my soul dissipating within me.

            All at once, I heard people screaming, and I felt my brother being lifted off of me. I crawled out as far as I could, and looked upon my rescuers.

            It was none other than the Mahesha themselves. They tore him off of me and stabbed him with their weapons. They didn’t do much damage, as mortals cannot harm Gods easily; but I was shocked. I sat up and could only open my green eye partially. My ears stopped ringing, and I heard the mortals praise my name. I smiled a wobbly smile with tears in my eyes. I’d never been so moved in my life.

            “Justice is the only God who has ever come down to help us! You are a monster, Destruction!” Said one. They must have had my Brother confused with my Father.

            “You will not harm a God who was so kind to us! Who fights to keep us safe!” Said another.

            “He saved my life!” Cried the woman I had saved days ago.

            My heart was warmed. I had misjudged them once again. All I had done was save one woman’s life, and they fought to keep me alive. That was all they needed. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Nikolai. I realized, suddenly, that he was the one who inspired them to help me. He looked at me with a smile.

            I felt strong—power welling in my body—and I realized, it wasn’t just the prayers of these people that were powering me, Nikolai must have gone to many other places, and told them all I had done for the mortals lately--saving many lives—and what I was trying to do for them. That a God was attempting to kill them, and I was there to save them. I felt their prayers well inside of me, shooting up through my feet and into my weary head. I was alive!

             I shot to my feet. I noticed my brother, readying to blow them all away.

            I waved an arm and all the Mahesha were teleported behind me. “Thank you all so much… you should go now. I will be okay.”

            “But we can’t risk losing you! Without you, the Gods will be free to treat us as they want.”

            I looked down at them. “I will never, ever let anyone lay a finger on you again,”

            They looked at me with moonstruck eyes and they obeyed me. 

             Death’s looked at me in disgust. You know they will forget about you in moments when they start a war and they realize you will not come running when they call for you,

            “That doesn’t matter. They are mortals. Their job is to learn and grow, my job is to love and support them no matter what. Don’t you realize you should be proud of how far they’ve come?”

            You meet a few nice mortals, and you think you should be proud of them? They are the same as they ever were.

            “Any progress they make is to be praised. Otherwise there will be no progress at all. You used to realize that.”

            He raised his hand and shot a shining beam of blue light at me. I got my hand up just in time to block with a yellow beam. I could only block for a few minutes before his beam enveloped mine—and then it hit me at full force—I went flying into the wall, and part of the ceiling of the city came crashing down.

            I couldn’t believe it, even with the prayers, I could not win. I tried to get up but my legs gave way and I fell to my knees. I realized, very suddenly, I did not want to die. I wanted to live; to see these people grow and change, to watch over Heidi and Katharos, to meet more interesting mortals, even just to see the sun rise again. I realized I had more things to love in this world than just Chandra. He taught me to love, but now, I had others to love.

             Death, who was about a mile away, was approaching at a walking pace. I just couldn’t move. I was so tired… I still did not have the power I needed.

            “Joshua!” Said a familiar voice.

            I looked to my right. I thought I was hallucinating. Heidi knelt down next to me and put a hand on my back. “Are you okay? You’re lucky I’m here to save you again…”

            “What are you…?”

            “Nikolai brought me here… I was wrong Joshua. Maybe you failed us, but we failed you, too. The difference is that you have forgiven us. People never think about how you Gods must feel, day-by-day, night-by-night, they don’t realize you need support, too. But now, I’m going to do my part and make sure I help you make the world a better place. You deserve my faith—you did from the beginning—forgive me?” She offered me a hand.

            With my battered face, and my swollen eye, I reached for her hand. She took it away in the last moment. “I want you to open your real eye, first.”

            I looked uncertain, uncomfortable. “You know I… I dislike Decay…”

            “It’s going to be okay… I like Decay, because you are Decay.” She held out a hand again with an accepting smile.

            I returned her smile, opened my red eye, grabbed her hand—

            And was infused with power shooting through my body and powering my very soul; I felt the absolute freedom and power of acceptance, both from myself and from Heidi. As I lifted myself to my feet, my wings burst from my back in a shower of feathers. Heidi backed away.

            I turned to my brother again, and this time, I ran at him so fast and tackled him, I said his name again and bound his hands behind his back. He kicked and struggled but could not escape. I pinned his arms to the floor. I was going to kill him. But I accidentally looked into his eyes and still found reluctance and pain in my heart for my brother.

            I felt his eyes digging into my mind. I heard the mind scream and I fell backwards with my head in my hands, trembling and cowering.

            He took the moment to wave his finger and make shadows appear behind me that tore at my wings. I just couldn’t get that sound out of my head and all the memories that came with it. I was stuck in a place from long ago, and could not defend myself. The last thing I remembered was an excruciating pain in my back before I fell over and closed my eyes for good. The last thing I remembered thinking was that I failed everyone I loved, and a tear rolled down my cheek as I hit the dirt.

 

            I watched as Joshua hit the dirt and I never expected to be so hurt. It seemed as if nothing could make me cry anymore after everything my Father did to me. I certainly never expected to cry over a God. But I had to stop thinking that way. Joshua should not be narrowed down to one word such as God the same as I shouldn’t be narrowed down to one word such as woman or mortal. Joshua was my friend. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself I didn’t like him because of my old resentment towards the Gods, or how much I teased him, or even how many mistakes he made on his part, I could not doubt the feelings I had for him in my heart. Despite our time apart, and what his madness had done to The Below in the past, I loved his company. I loved his squinty smile whenever he dared to share it with me, I loved his quiet manner; how he loved me from afar despite my ugly clothes, dirty face, and my somewhat plain looks. I loved how he reached out to touch my hair but always withdrew, more for my benefit than his own. I loved how he never stopped loving mortals, even after all the torture they put him through.

            I knuckled my tears away and rushed to his side, kneeling next to him. He had cuts and bruises on his arms and dirt on his face, just like I had at one time. His hair bristled lifelessly in the wind and blew the dirt he was lying in all about. He looked so cold; I sniffled loudly. All I could think was that I should have been there for him. I couldn’t see past the end of my nose to realize that he couldn’t be the beacon of perfection I wanted him to be for me.

            I realized I didn’t want him to be. Because then I wouldn’t love him. I felt sick to him lifelessly struck to the ground as if his life meant nothing at all. With all my strength, I turned him so he was facing the ceiling and I sat at his side with my hands in my lap bitterly aching from loss. After a moment, a shadow was cast over me. I looked up. There was Death; I cringed just looking at him.

            He didn’t even care to look at me, he thought so little of mortals. He was going to dispose of Joshua’s body with a blue flame in his palm. My body moved faster than I did.

            In a moment I was in front of the body and finally Death had no choice but to look at me.

            I would have let you live a little longer if you had stayed back.

            “You ‘re a monster! How could you care so little for your own brother that you’d dispose of any trace of his existence!” Angry tears rolled down my cheeks.

            A God has no feelings for such trivialities.

            He raised his hand high and threw the ball of fire at me. I threw up my hands and closed my eyes as a defense mechanism and felt flames so hot I thought they were burning my face.

            I opened my eyes. I was protected by a golden light—enveloping me in moving tendrils and spilling behind me. The blue fire bounced off the yellow shield and was reflect back at Death, who was badly wounded afterwards.

            This was the last protection Joshua had blessed me with.

 

            I was alone under a dark night sky. I was now the child with the single red eye again. I was proud of myself for realizing what I needed and wanted to be in this life, but crushed that I failed to protect the mortals I loved. In front of me, Justice and Vengeance appeared.

            “I see… you have found Yeshua again.” The green eye stated.

            “We thought you were not strong enough. We thought we would eventually need to take over for you for good.” The yellow eye said.

            I was crying silently, and then I said, “I thank you for protecting me all these years and tempering my violence, but I am alright now. I have found people to love. Except… I am dead now.”

            “You do not need us anymore?” The yellow eye asked.

            I shook my head. “No. I shall never do what I did all those years ago ever again. The mist that hung in my mind is gone and I see clearly.”

            Both eyes looked sad and resigned. “We are not real people. We were created to protect you, and to protect the mortals from you. But now that you are almost dead…”

            “I am not dead?”

            “No. The girl saved your life. You put some of your own spirit into that enchantment you cast on her, and some of it leaked back into your body. You are alive, but will die in minutes unless something is done. Without you, there is no us, and now that you know who you are, we will die for you. We will give you our lives, but you will have much power left afterwards. What will you do with it?”

 

            The green eye and the yellow eye pushed me to my feet. Heidi, who had been sobbing over my body now got to her own feet and looked up to see that my eyes were fixed on my brother, who had taken a hard hit from the enchantment I placed on Heidi. Heidi moved out of the way, still sobbing, but now with tears of joy.

            I shot both my arms outwards, closed my red eye, and a large beam of light hit my brother, but spared him an ounce of his life. The yellow light kept spreading and spreading, tendrils enveloping everyone and everything in the underground city. Everything was yellow now, and the sharp light was whistling past my ears like a wonderful cool wind through the leaves of a tree.

            Power spilled through every pore in my body, and eventually, the yellow and green eyes sunk back into my skin, and disappeared.

            After that, I opened my red eye. My brother looked at me astonished, not believing I could really win, and then with a horrifying expression, he teleported over to Hephzibah and Nikolai, and took them away. I was about to follow when I disappeared from existence.

 

            Weather had abducted me. “What in the world happened down there!” He demanded.

            I didn’t look him in the eye. “My brother was on a quest for personal vengeance. He was killing people for no reason, I wished to stop him.”

            Now he was intrigued. He clasped his hands together. “Why?”

            “He resented me… because I was no longer the same person—and he hated mortals—they failed him. He is also mad, and he has a child…”

            He calmed down a little, realizing he was a God, and had to be above anger. “Where are your eyes to contain your own madness?”

            “Gone.” I said simply. “Will you—lock me away again?”

            He looked at me stoically for a moment. And then, to my surprise, he smiled. “Do you know what you did down there?”

            “I disobeyed your rules; I saved mortals when it was not my job to save them, and… I may have destroyed everything.”

            He shook his head. “Every building, and every person, is still standing. But… the vapors are gone. You dissipated them.”

            I looked at him, shocked. “Really?”

            “Yes. You have put right your error. I will not lock you away. But, there is one thing you must break off, and that is your relationship with the girl. You are too close as it is. It was bad enough that you breathed life back into her, but I know you have feelings for her, which you were smart enough not to act upon. I wish you to take the reins of your status again, with your red eye, and now, you may judge as you wish.”

            I smiled. “Really?” I said again, feeling giddy as I was as a child, but then I looked off distantly, a frown replacing my smile. “You will—allow me to say goodbye?”

            He nodded. “It’s the least I can do for you.”

           

            I appeared next to Heidi, who was now sitting under a giant tree on a hill above the underground city of the Mahesha, looking miserable. “Joshua! Did they banish you? You are staying, right?”

            I shook my head. “I can’t. I will not see you again for the rest of your life.”

            Her lovely face was tilted down in the most devastated expression I had never wanted to see on her face. “What? My life… I know you just gave me back the rest of it with your powers. Why don’t you wish to spend it with me?”

            “I cannot live my life down here with you-- I must do my job--and this time, I will do it right, because of you,” I said to her lovingly. I looked at her with nothing but admiration and longing in my heart. I wanted to touch her just once, of my own volition and not hers. I gingerly touched her hair, and she put her hand on mine as I did so.

            After a moment, she came back to reality. “Then… I wish to die and come up to The Above with you! You will make me into a Goddess, won’t you?” She cried bitterly, and leaned her head upon my shoulder.

            I held her face in my red hands. “I do not wish to make you into a Goddess, because I want you to find someone who can love you the way I wish to, but never can. I want you to continue making this world a better place, just by being in it, and I want you to inspire faith in people again… not faith in me, but faith in themselves. They do not need to lean on me—they more than proved that to me.”

            “I don’t want to be with anyone else, I want to be with you! And I will not love anyone else ever again… if I live this life by myself... will you promise to propose to your friends to make me a Goddess?” She asked.

            “I will do it regardless. But I know you will find someone to love—better than me—and you will forget all about me, like you should.” I kissed her forehead gently. “I will be happy for you, and I will love you no matter what,” I promised her.

            I got to my feet, preparing to leave, but she stood up on the hill and threw herself at me. I caught her, and I wrapped her in my yellow wings. I murmured in her ear—“I would not even know what love is without you…”

            “Don’t leave me…” She begged me, weeping heavily. “I may not need Gods, but I know I need you,”

            “No, you don’t. And you never did. I needed you…” I kissed her one last time, this time on the lips, and then I put her down gently. “I hope to see you again,” I told her honestly.

            I had to leave her with peace in her heart, and I waited many minutes before she nodded bravely, barely containing her tears. I looked back at her one last time with a squinty smile, and then I disappeared. I had to see one more person

 

            “I see,” Katharos said, nodding sadly. “I shall miss believing that you were looking out for me, personally.”

            “I will. I will look after you all, but I cannot intervene directly anymore. I will—attempt to keep you safe—and happy.”

            “Joshua, you may think that you needed us to make you stand up on your own two feet and realize that you didn’t need to rely on Justice and Vengeance, but you found yourself and stood on your own two feet again, like you did so long ago against your Father. You should be proud….” He looked at me, looking proud himself, eyes tinged with tears.

             “Continue to make this world better, Katharos. Keep Heidi company sometimes. I fear she will be lonely… without your unwavering support, I do not know what would have happened to me. You were the only person left in the world who believed in me—I would have disappeared without you. Thank you, and take care of Asher, too. He needs you,”

            I turned my back to him, and I disappeared.

 

            Time went on, and I did my job better than ever, because now, I only intervened to make miracles happen rarely, and to make mortals die when I deemed it was necessary. My life was no longer ruled by the pure, one-tracked minds of Vengeance and Justice. Things changed everywhere, and there would ever be war on The Below, along with pain, suffering, poverty, and selfishness. But thanks to people like Katharos and Heidi, there would always be faith, generosity, selflessness and happiness as well.

            The one thing that would forever leave a void in my heart and soul was the absence of my brother. I knew what he had done—what he was like now—but I couldn’t help but sometimes think of the way things were between us. I would smile, and think of certain moments between us that brought me peace and it would hurt when I realized those times would never be had again. I always kept an eye out for my brother and his son. I still wished to rescue my nephew.

            The one thing that never changed no matter how many years went by was the bracelet I never took off and forever sat upon my wrist. I watched over Heidi and Katharos from The Above. I didn’t even need to be with them, just watching them made me feel loved, because wherever they went, and whatever they did, they never hurt a soul, and could only cause people to smile.

            And, I would watch after them forever more.

 

            I had one last dream, and then the nightmares ceased forever. The very last time I dreamed, I dreamed I caught that butterfly.

            What is it about these mortals you find so worthy? It seemed to ask me

            Everything. I replied without a second thought.

 

The End