PROLOGUE

There was once a man who was on fire and didn’t know how to burn it out. There were flames within him that made him feel like withering away, that made his blood turn to dry sand and his heart morph into an hourglass.

Until the day he fell in love with the flame who could soothe his own.

His name was Ray Cartwright, and he was a walking mess well-kept together. He guessed he believed in love of some sorts, but not that much.

Until the day he fell in love with a phantom.

He didn’t know her name, or where she came from or what her life was like. He knew but two things about her – she held the sky captive in her eyes, and he loved her hopelessly, deeply, endlessly.

 

“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;

I lift my lids and all is born again.

(I think I made you up inside my head)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,

And arbitrary blackness gallops in:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.

(I think I made you up inside my head)

God toppled from the sky, hell’s fires fade:

Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name.

(I think I made you up inside my head)         

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;

At least when spring comes they roar back again.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

2: Chapter 1: Discotheque Juliet

CHAPTER 1 – DISCOTHEQUE JULIET

He was being dragged to this thing. He knew it. His friends knew it. It still didn’t stop them from dragging him to it, but he was sure he was about to despise every minute of it and Ray promised himself he’d make no effort to hide that. And that he’d drag his best buddy, Derek, to the most boring book release in return. Yeah, that’ll show him, giving him a taste of his own medicine.

But in the meantime, Ray was still being dragged to this thing. He wasn’t even entirely sure where he was being dragged to. It was Halloween, but he’d been told it wasn’t really a Halloween party. It was more like a masquerade, more like a solid excuse for chicks to play mysterious and make it easy for Derek to score. In what concerned him, Ray had drawn the line at having to wear a stupid mask. He already felt silly enough for even going in the first place.

He ran a comb through his hair to smooth it out and put on a beige jacket. This was the most effort he was willing to put into dressing up for the so-called masquerade. Christ, he couldn’t wait to come back to his cozy apartment, cook himself some pasta and finish the book he’d started earlier today. Yeah, so maybe life as a librarian was “boring as watching grass grow”, as Derek liked to put it, but Ray enjoyed it. He was a loner and he was fine with the quietness in which he constantly found himself. Unlike Derek. Loud, outgoing, reckless Derek. Their friendship, like most true friendships, was an absolute mystery.

Ray sighed and grabbed his keys, walking out the door and heading out to meet his destiny.

 

***

 

“Dude,” Derek greeted Ray with extended arms and an incredulous look glued to his face. “It’s a masquerade. The point is to wear masks. It’s Halloween, Raymond.”

Ray rolled his eyes and glared at his best friend.

“Yes, mom,” he mocked Derek using his full name. “I know it’s Halloween.” He drew the quotation marks in the air with his fingers. “But do I strike you as the kind of guy who puts on masks?”

Derek pursed his lips and Ray could see his eyes narrow through the ridiculous golden mask he was wearing. Eventually, Derek cocked his head to one side like he was watching a clumsy puppy and threw his arm over Ray’s shoulder.

“Oh, Raymond,” he sighed.

“Stop calling me that,” Ray shot him a tight smile.

“Sweet little Raymond,” Derek ignored him. “I’m trying here, but you need to help me out, man.”

“Tying to what?” Ray rolled his eyes. “Not tripping over your tongue while chasing off miniskirts tonight?”

“Funny,” Derek grinned, not bothering to deny it. “On the contrary, Raymond.”

“For the love of God, stop calling me that before someone hears you,” Ray tried to reason with him, but Derek cut him off, clearly on a wave.

“What I’m talking about, my friend, is that we need to get you a life. You need to loosen up a bit.” He paused and let go of Ray’s shoulders after a solid pat on the back, then he rubbed his palms together, smiling excitedly. “Now, let’s see, let’s see. Where do we start?”

“Can I go now?” Ray groaned, even though he knew the battle was long since lost, and he had to admit this constant bickering with Derek always delighted him in some weird, twisted way. Because this wasn’t at all the first conversations they’ve had on the subject.

Derek didn’t seem to have heard him.

“You go get us some drinks,” Derek appointed him. “Something strong. And when I say strong, Raymond, I mean vodka kinda strong, not root beer. In the meantime, your good buddy Derek is gonna find you a lady for the evening.”

Ray pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not a teenager who drinks root beer, stop talking about yourself in third person because it’s weird, and do I even stand any chance for you to stop calling me Raymond?”

“Nope,” Derek smirked. “Go get vodka.”

Ray finally gave in, since he was hopeless against Derek. He’d known him for years now, and if there was any certainty about him, it was that he was unstoppable when it came to fun nights out.

He walked to the bar and sat in line to get drinks. It looked like it was gonna take a while, since the favorite hobby of college students was occasional alcohol poisoning, especially now that it was Halloween. Ray sighed. He hoped that maybe a touch of alcohol in his system would improve his mood, if only for Derek’s sake, who really wanted to have some fun. But for now, this really wasn’t his cup of tea. He was surrounded by long legs coming out of ridiculously short skirts, by girls whose masks hid more than their clothing did, and by the men who looked at them like hungry wolves. There were little occasions when he’d felt more out of place, Ray thought.

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, his eyes turning slightly, absent-mindedly to his left.

And then he saw her.

Later on, he’d wonder what exactly about her had caught his attention. Ray wasn’t the kind of guy who checked girls out on a regular basis. Maybe it had been her discreet presence. Maybe it had been the bored way she was sipping her drink. Maybe it had been the clear white, simple, backless dress she was wearing, revealing enough to be sexy, without exaggerating it, like every other girl in the room. Maybe it was the way he could tell she was beautiful –not hot, truly beautiful, in the most literal meaning possible— even underneath the intricate silver mask covering her face.

Ray’s eyes lingered on her for a second longer before shaking his head slowly and turning around. It wasn’t like he was gonna go talk to her or anything. He didn’t do well with females. On that note, he had to make sure he didn’t mention it to Derek, or he’d make him approach her. And he knew well enough how that was gonna go and how he was gonna mess up and end with a drink in his face. Most likely.

He pursed his lips and dared to cast another glance in the girl’s direction. And as if feeling Ray’s gaze on her, she slightly raised her eyes and, for the briefest of seconds, two pairs of eyes met in a dim lit room. One green, one as blue as the summer sky. And then she shot him a small half-smile.

Ray let out a breath and turned his head quickly. Boy, could this go all kinds of wrong. He was a socially awkward librarian and she was stunning and excruciatingly out of his league. High school had taught him that much. And college. And the years after that. Basically, 26 years of being a nerd who found himself on an alarming number of disastrous dates.

The line was moving painfully slow and Ray felt absurdly self-conscious. Suddenly, that drink didn’t sound like a bad idea anymore.

“Hello, gorgeous.”

Ray flinched, but thankfully, the voice didn’t belong to him. He lacked the guts. He subtly turned his head to take in the scene happening a few feet away from him. The words had been slurred and the speaker was a guy who was stumbling on his feet, but it seemed that, even though he was so drunk Ray was pretty sure he didn’t remember his own name, he was able to be appreciative enough when it came to that girl’s looks. Or maybe Ray was giving him too much credit. Perhaps he just went for what he assumed would be an easy target, sitting alone at the bar.

The girl didn’t give any sign to have heard him. The guy tried to lean on the counter, nearly falling down in the process.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he slurred.

“I’ve already got one,” the girls spoke, and Ray smiled a little at the sound of her soft voice. It somehow suited the way she held herself.

The drunk leaned a little towards her, but she stood her ground, lifting her chin and fixating him with her gaze. Had he been sober, Ray was pretty sure the poor bastard would’ve backed down.

“Then how about you give me your number?” he suggested, and Ray admired the way the girl kept that smile glued to her face, like she wasn’t intimidated at all, but her stiff body posture told him she wasn’t exactly comfortable with the closeness.

“Sorry,” she replied. “I still need it.”

Ray stifled a chuckle. Beautiful and witty. Double combo.

The guy still didn’t catch the hint and, seeing as he wasn’t getting any visible results, he threw an arm over her shoulders and Ray saw the smile slowly fade from the girl’s lips.

“Aw, come on, doll-face,” the drunk smirked. “My car’s just outside. We can head back to my place and have some fun, just the two of us.”

“Sorry,” she repeated. “I’m actually here with someone.”

“She’s with me.”

This time, Ray realized and nearly choked on his tongue, the voice belonged to him. What. The hell. Was he thinking?

The drunk turned around and checked him out, but Ray’s eyes were fixated on the girl. Their gazes met and he found himself unable to drop it this time.

“Say what, mate?” the guy slurred, frowning, and Ray simply prayed he wouldn’t pick a fight. He really didn’t want to make a scene. And while his fighting experience was hardly worth mentioning, he was pretty sure even his skinny ass could take out a guy whose sense of balance was highly disturbed.

Ray cleared his throat and managed to pull off a smile for the girl. Her lips slowly curved into a smile of her own and he knew exactly why he stepped in.

“I said the lady’s with me,” Ray said more confident this time. “Is there a problem here?”

The drunk looked from Ray to the girl and most likely decided he couldn’t rely on his reflexes well enough to engage himself in a fight he couldn’t win, so he shot Ray a dumb grin.

“Not at all, pal,” he said. “Just a misunderstanding, then. See ya around.”

He didn’t wait for an answer before turning to leave, clumsily patting Ray on the shoulder. That left Ray and the girl alone. He gulped. He hadn’t planned on so far. He took a step closer and smiled tightly. The girl, however, didn’t seem shy at all.

She cocked her head to one side and watched him curiously, and Ray shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Since when do heroes come with side-parted hairstyles?” she spoke in the same soft, velvet voice, looking at his hair, and Ray found himself barking a laugh. It was true, a haircut was long overdue and he never got around to it, so styling it felt like the most valid option at the moment.

He raised an eyebrow at her. “Since when do damsels in distress come with such a snarky attitude?”

She chuckled, a gentle sound that made Ray’s lips curve into a smile involuntarily.

“Do I strike you as a damsel in distress?” she narrowed her eyes at him playfully.

“Not at all, doll-face,” he mocked her, using the nickname the drunk had called her earlier. “I just thought I might be of service as the hero on call.”

“Thank you for that, by the way,” she smiled whole-heartedly, and Ray learned it was so damn easy to get enraptured by the clear blue of her eyes. He’d never seen prettier blue eyes than hers. They looked like the summer sky on the clearest of August mornings.

“Don’t mention it,” Ray returned the smile and dared to sit next to her.

“Are you going to offer to buy me a drink, too?” she teased, and Ray chuckled.

“Nah, as you’ve carefully pointed out, you already have one.”

She pursed her lips and looked at him between her lashes, her blue eyes holding him in place like a marble statue and his breath caught in his throat.

“I could use another,” she prompted him, then leaned a little forward so that she could whisper. “Take the hint, dude.”

Ray let out a breathless laugh. “Okay then. May I buy you a drink, miss?”

She smirked. “I thought you’d never ask. Why, of course, mister.”

Ray ordered two martinis and turned to her. “I’m Ray, by the way.”

She giggled, the same soft, clear, articulate sound that tickled his ears. Sitting there, in her white backless dress, with her silver mask looking like a contemporary Cinderella, she looked more like mirage. Pretty, witty and straightforward.

“You do look like a ray of sunshine,” she remarked, and Ray pursed his lips, but made no comment.

“What about you?” he question, seeing as she didn’t look like she was gonna introduce herself. “What’s your name, doll-face?”

She rolled her eyes, but kept her smile plastered on her face. “Not telling.” Ray’s eyebrows shot up and she laughed again. “Why, it’s called a masquerade, Ray of Sunshine. Where would the mystery be then?”

Ray watched her curiously for a few seconds. “How’s that fair? You already know my name.”

She simply shrugged. “That was your mistake. It’s more fun for you, though.” He looked at her expectantly, and her smile widened. “You get to choose how to call me.”

He simply watched her, not saying anything, and he realized she was coming up with a game he was willing to play just to keep her in sight. She intrigued him. And he was a hard man to intrigue, because seeing as he liked to read and reading was what he did for a living, he’d developed some sort of ability to read people. But her, he couldn’t decipher. It was like his senses were blurred and all there was in sight were a pair of clear blue eyes beneath a silver mask framed by golden curls. And he found himself wanting to lift his hands and remove that mask so that he could take in her delicate figure.

Their martinis arrived and she took a sip out of hers, never taking her eyes off his, and he remembered she was in the middle of making a point.

“You get to be creative,” she continued. “You get to make me be however you want me to be.”

None of them smiled, the entire conversation now happening between two pairs of intense eyes staring deep into each other, each trying to read into the other. “That sounds an awful lot like wishful thinking to me,” Ray commented.

“We get to evade reason from time to time,” she replied. “One night a year. The night when the lines are unclear.” Her lips curved into a mischievous smile. “Would you be willing to give in to wishful thinking for one night, Ray of Sunshine?”

Ray wasn’t sure what she was implying. But he realized he didn’t care. For once, his brain shut down and his body took control. And his hands twitched to long and tuck a strand of her blonde hair beneath her ear. His eyes were unable to leave hers. His lips could not stop smiling. His reason was reluctant, but there was no space for reason in the little space the intensity of this girl’s persona managed to crawl. She had the means to get under his skin and she did exactly that.

“Lead the way,” he spoke, clear, with more certainty than he’d ever spoken.

The girl smiled widely. “This should be fun.”

Before he got the chance to speak again, he saw a group of people approaching them.

“Hey,” one of them spoke, and Ray realized she was talking to the girl. The girl. He did need to come up with a better nickname. “We were just heading back home. Ethan’s gonna call us a cab. You coming?”

The girl looked from Ray to her friends and the same wicked smile from earlier lit up her face. “Nah. You guys go ahead. I’ll stay a little longer.” She spoke without taking her eyes off Ray, and he knew it was an invitation. He returned her smile and the deal was sealed. They were indeed going to have some fun. And while Ray was a little frustrated by the whole mystery surrounding her, it gave him a sense of excitement he’d never felt. The excitement of not knowing what was about to happen next.

The girl’s friends looked between them curiously, but eventually said their goodbyes and left them alone. The girl turned her blue eyes back to him and Ray found himself speaking without thinking. Unprecedentedly.

“Sky,” he whispered, and she just raised an eyebrow. “Your eyes look like the sky is trapped in them.” She waited for him to continue, still confused, and only then did he realize where he was going with this. “You said I get to choose how to call you. Can I call you Sky?”

She smiled so wide her eyes glimmered and he realized how well suited their nicknames were. The Sky and the Ray of Sunshine.

“I love it,” she said, and then she took him aback by daringly taking his hand and pulling him off his seat. “Now shut up and dance with me, Ray of Sunshine.”

3: Chapter 2: Victims of the night

CHAPTER 2 – VICTIMS OF THE NIGHT

It was a goddamn slow dance. Ray remembered, vaguely, he couldn’t slow dance if his life depended on it. But for tonight, he wasn’t Ray Cartwright. He was Sky’s Ray of Sunshine.

He could barely blink. He was afraid to blink. Last time he’d blinked, he’d found himself wrapped in silver spider web that looked like mask hiding all but two blue eyes. He didn’t know how he felt about this. He was cautious and careful and calculated and articulate. He didn’t play games with girls he didn’t even know. So yeah, he definitely didn’t know how to feel about this. He didn’t know what to feel at all. But that was the beauty of it for now. He found himself enjoying quite a lot not knowing. So he took the leap. And once the shackles of his own mind were off, he learned there was more to it than reason let on.

His hand was in hers and she was leading him to the dance floor. He was so painfully calm. His heart wasn’t racing, his palms weren’t sweaty and there was no dizziness. It flashed through his mind a theory that a friend of his had, about how the anxiety, the butterflies, the racing of the heart and the sweaty palms are usually a defense mechanism of the body, triggered by adrenaline, for when it senses danger. And Ray did believe that people who made you that kind of anxious represented quite the danger regarding how susceptible you become to their influence.

And yet he was so painfully calm. Sky’s soft, warm fingers wrapped around his hand felt right, and her clear blue eyes gave him a sense of reassurance. They stopped in the middle of the dance floor and she turned to him with intimidating reassurance and closed the distance between them, placing one hand on his shoulder. Ray figured this was his cue and raised his hand that was holding hers, looking at their intertwined fingers mesmerized, and brought his other hand to the small of her back.

He remembered she was wearing a backless dress and his breath caught in his throat as his fingertips met skin. He felt a few small goosebumps as he traced a couple small lines on her back, and smiled to himself. Turns out she wasn’t as well-composed as she appeared to be and that he, a shy clueless librarian, was the dull knife that could cut through to her.

They started swaying slowly to the rhythm of the song. It was Wicked Game. What a fortunate coincidence. Because if Sky could be a song, Ray thought, she’d be this exact song. A wicked game, a playful, mysterious, blurry silhouette in the night.

“What’s on your mind, Ray of Sunshine?” she smiled devilishly at him, like she knew exactly what he was thinking. So he smiled back and deflected her question.

“What’s your story, Sky?”

She clicked her tongue and unclasped her hand, wrapping both of her hands around his neck. Ray brought his other hand down and rested it on her hip.

“Now, now,” she whispered so dangerously close to his lips, he would’ve only needed to move forward half an inch to taste her lip gloss.  “Why do you keep trying to spoil my fun?”

“Where’s the fun in not knowing?”

She pursed her lips. “The not knowing part.” Ray rolled his eyes and she allowed herself to chuckle. “I mean it. Where’s the fun in predictability? Knowing, always knowing what’s just around the corner, when you can open yourself up to all the possibilities? I could be a stripper or a bioengineer for all you know.”

Ray fought a smile. She did make a solid point.

“I make a living out of knowing,” he replied. “And I’m pretty fond of my comfort zone that knowing provides.”

She simply looked at him, question in her eyes, keeping him frozen in place, like he was a snowflake that she held in her palm to see how long it took until he melted. Not long, Ray admitted to himself. It won’t take long until I melt in her palm.

After a few seconds, she leaned in and he felt her lips at his ear.

“And tell me, Ray?” she whispered over the smooth tempo of the song. “Who are you out of your comfort zone?”

He tightened his grip on her and he felt her shudder a little as his fingers dug slightly into her skin. As good as she was at faking it, Ray was glad to know she was a victim of this curious spell this intense electricity had cast over them both.

“I was never curious to find out,” he admitted in response to her question and he felt Sky’s lips curve into a smile at his ear.

“For someone who liked to know, that’s a great offense,” she teased, and then she backed away from his year and captured his gaze once more. Without breaking eye contact, she brought down one hand and unclasped one of Ray’s from her waist, intertwining their fingers. “You may come across as shy, boring nerd, Ray of Sunshine. But I can see through you. In here lies a heart on fire.”

She brought up their joined hands and placed them on Ray’s hands, and he felt his steady heartbeat. He swallowed hard and tried to find his voice.

“How could you know such thing?” he managed to ask. “You just met me.”

She offered that sly half smile of hers that made Ray’s insides twist and his thoughts unravel before her, and then she moved their hands again and placed them over her own chest.

“Takes one to know one,” she replied simply, and Ray looked at her in silence.

She dropped his hand that went back around her waist, and none of them spoke. The background faded away. The song had ended and they were both pretty sure they were no longer keeping the rhythm, but they stayed locked in each other, neither of them wanting to risk breaking the spell.

“Sky,” Ray whispered her name – or the lack of it, truth be told –, the sound of it rolling off his tongue smoothly, like a prayer. “I’ve got nothing on you. I don’t even know your name. What should I make of you?”

She leaned in again, teasing him once more, intoxicating him with the smell of fresh spring mornings and wild summer nights.

“Nothing,” she replied. “Just hold my gaze. Just don’t drop my gaze. Eyes can tell you everything you need to know. And that’s the least I can give.”

Ray pondered her words for a minute and the name rang inside his head like a song. Sky. Sky. Sky. Was it enough for him? He didn’t like games; they frustrated him. But also, he didn’t like puzzles, and Sky was a complex masterpiece made of a dozen puzzles made of hundreds of pieces. And he needed to figure her out. Sky.

Sky.

Sky.

“So tell me, Ray of Sunshine,” she whispered like she could read his thoughts. “Does that satisfy enough of your curiosity?”

“No,” he smiled back at her. “My curiosity is barely awakened.”

She seemed more than happy with his answers and dropped her hands from around his neck, eyes still on him. “Then how about you and me, pair of misfits, get out of this place? I’ve never been one for loud, crowded bars.”

He nodded in response and, for the first time since he’d laid eyes on Sky, Ray remembered Derek and for a brief second, he wondered why his nosy friend hadn’t made an appearance for so long. He looked around and spotted Derek at the bar, looking at him smugly. When he caught Ray’s eyes, Derek winked and gave him a thumbs up, mouthing a ‘Wow’ that Ray rolled his eyes at. He should’ve known better.

He turned his back on Derek and faced Sky, who was looking at him with a glint in her blue eyes that knocked me speechless. She took his hand and headed for the exit.

“Shall we?” she prompted.

He squeezed her fingers lightly to let her know he was fully in and not backing down. He’d figure her out.

“Absolutely.”

They walked through the door out of the bar and Ray saw it was pouring, a violent storm unleashed over the streets of Seattle. He stopped walking and grimaced, but Sky kept walking until she was standing with no cover under the heavy raindrops. And in a matter of seconds, she was soaking wet, like even the rain was yearning to touch her, to cool down the heat radiating off her skin.

“Hey,” Ray called for her. “What are you doing? It’s pouring out here.”

“Come on, Ray of Sunshine,” she laughed whole-heartedly, challenging him. “It’s just a little rain. Are you gonna let some water spoil our fun?”

He pursed his lips against a smile, but didn’t let himself talked into this insanity. Every steady beat of his heart prompted him to step forward towards her, but his brain knew this was a crazy idea. But then he remembered he was supposed to shut down his brain if he wanted to crack her code.

“Come on,” she shouted again. “I’m the Sky.” Ray laughed at her. “I own this. This storm responds to me. Aren’t you the least bit curious to learn what it can unravel about her master?”

He shook his head. It was so easy to get lost in her metaphors. All it took was one look at the way the thunder reflected in the glint of her irises and you’d just have to believe her. Even if she was claiming to be the master of this storm. She was the Sky, wasn’t she?

Ray took a step forward, and he felt the cold rain drops hit him in the face. It felt oddly exhilarating. It was just water. He kept walking until he was standing before Sky, getting drunk on the smell of rain on her. And he found himself wondering how rain tasted on her lips. Tiny droplets danced on her eyelashes as she shook with laughter, pure joy clear on her face.

“Do you know why I love rain so much?” she asked him after a few minutes of simply standing in the rain, as pedestrians shielded safely under umbrellas passed by them and stared. Ray was shocked to realize he couldn’t care less.

“Why?”

Her hand was back over his chest, and just as if his body already recognized her, his heart shifted a little. Not rushing, but shifting its pace to match her presence. Sky. Sky. Sky.

“Because cold is the only thing that’s able to put out burning hearts,” she spoke intensely. “You’ll soon find yourself acknowledging this, too. For us, rain is like coming home.”

He didn’t argue with her logic, though for now, rain felt quite a lot like water falling from the sky and uncomfortably getting in his way. But as they stood there, none of them speaking, her hand on his chest, for a few more minutes, allowing rain to wash them over and drown everything in them to the very core, he learned there was truth in her words. Rain did felt a lot like home. Like he could let go.

She smiled as if she could read this realization all over his face. “Let’s go,” she said.

And he didn’t question her. He didn’t ask where. He didn’t ask why. He didn’t care how. There was no path and rain served as both background and soundtrack. And the night was young and they were flirting with it. She laced his fingers with his and they walked hand in hand down the rainy streets of Seattle, heading nowhere, but all too eager to arrive there.

“Can I ask you something?” Ray asked eventually.

Sky chuckled and bumped her shoulder into his. “The night is ours, Ray. You can do anything. Sky is the limit,” she joked, and Ray got the message. Anything but the mask.

“You don’t strike me as the sharing type,” he commented, and she chuckled at the understatement. “What could have possibly made you share tonight with me? Welcome me into a small corner of your beautifully twisted universe?”

She smiled at the image and Ray could tell she liked the phrasing.

“My universe isn’t twisted, Ray of Sunshine,” she admitted, and Ray was surprised she was about to let him in on a tiny piece of her mind.

She stopped walking and turned to face him. Ray realized they’d made it to the Waterfront Park and were now standing on the docks, cold rain making them shiver a little at this point, but they were so wrapped up in each other their minds chose to ignore their bodies. The city skyline revealed itself under the spotlight of the moonlight and waves kept company to the thunder echoing in the distance. And yet somehow, two heartbeats rang louder in the night.

Sky continued speaking. “There’s no universe. There’s just a corner. I’m a normal girl that leads a normal life. But I saw you and I figured I can build a tiny corner of a tiny twisted universe to take with me, to give to you, away from the ordinary that we live in. Daylight breaks. Nighttime keeps watch over the most beautiful secrets. Let’s let the night seal this one for us, Ray.”

She whispered his name like a plea, and Ray found himself unable to resist it. To resist her. He wanted to see her tomorrow. He wanted to extend his arms and remove her mask and know her name and her story and to walk her home and kiss her goodnight and call her tomorrow morning because he was just that struck by the very essence of her being. But what she was suggesting was more than the routine of a nice date and the possibility of what would come to be. She was suggesting building a place for just the two of them. And even if they were to keep that place buried in the night, sealed by thunder and drowned by rain and waves, they’d know it had been there, that it had been real and they’d been given the chance to feel this way once in this lifetime.

 “I can’t promise you tomorrow, Ray,” she cupped his cheek in her tiny palm, and he leaned into her soft touch. “But I can give you here and now.”

He let out a shaky breath. These were bread crumbs. He was mesmerized and fascinated like never before and she knew it and she was an endless river and he knew it and, damn it, she knew it as well, she was all too aware of the precision with which she was drowning him. She truly owned the storm. Just not the one in Seattle. The one inside Ray.

“But how will I know this wasn’t all just a dream?” he asked helplessly. “That I haven’t made you up?”

Sky smiled widely and Ray swore he’d never seen anyone more joyful than her. She was drunk on rain and happiness and he was drunk on her.

“Because,” she replied, “if I were a dream, you’d take off my mask so that you’d know who to look for tomorrow.”

And he took it for an answer. Because she was right. Cerebral Ray wouldn’t be able to let go of the steering wheel, so she came and took over. She held control and they were driving at full speed down a dead-end street.

But his body ached to take the leap.

He’d never known the feeling of freefalling.

He wanted to. He needed to.

So he did.

He stepped backwards and Sky frowned a little, that stunning smile of hers never leaving her face. Ray took his time to contemplate her, not rushing at all to take the jump. Somehow, the adrenaline of the anticipation when you’re no more than a few feet away from the edge felt more exhilarating than the leap. So he watched her and she let herself be ignited by the intensity of his gaze.

Eventually, Ray extended his hands.

“Dance with me, Sky.”

And there was nothing cliché about it. No cheap movie impression. She didn’t gasp or hide her blush in her hands and feign surprise or remark there was no music. Because she understood. She got him and she read through his intentions and she translated his smile, and when she placed her hand in his, everything exploded. Ray physically understood why his heart was on fire; a spark that she’d turned into a firework show.

She stepped into his arms and Ray was surprised to learn how fast their bodies adjusted to each other, how easy their bodies fit together, like two pieces of puzzle trained to fall into place.

And then he took the first step, her hand clasped tight in his, his arm wrapped around her slim waist, and the energy shifted between them and they were breathing each other in. Sky could tell he was shy and clumsy and clueless, but his posture and the heat emanating out of his body and the confidence of his steady touch awakened her senses with every turn they took.

He swayed her, letting the storm be his guide, until they finally ended up face to face, so close their noses were touching and their lips brushed softly against each other, enough to tease and drive them both mad for more. Sky waited for him to take the lead, curving her lips slowly into a tempting smirk against his slightly pouty lips. She felt him swallow hard.

“I really wanna kiss you right now,” Ray admitted, his mouth speaking before his brain could process the words. But his heart and his hands around Sky approved.

The glint in Sky’s eyes made his throat tighten. “What’s stopping you?”

He swallowed over the lump in his throat and his jaw throbbed with the ache of closing that gap between them and kissing her.

“Do you want me to?” he asked and mentally slapped himself for how lame it came out as.

Sky chuckled softly as he turned her under his arm, his body instantly missing her tiny shape pressed against him. “Are you the kind of guy who needs permission, Ray of Sunshine?”

And all it took was a heartbeat. A heartbeat for him to make up his mind. He was the kind of guy who needed permission. But not tonight. A heartbeat. And as he turned her around, his grip on her tightened and he gently pulled her towards him and crashed their bodies together. Sky barely had the time to let out a whimper before Ray’s mouth was on hers, writing symphonies on it with his lips.

And you know how in movies, first kisses are always perfect and magical? And how kissing in the rain feels like the most romantic thing to do? Well, real life isn’t that magical. First kisses are clumsy and sloppy and rain makes it endlessly uncomfortable and getting in the way.

But Ray and Sky were in perfect tune. It was perfect. No move was out of place, no intake of breath was out of tune, their lips moving together in perfect sync, Sky’s fingers digging into Ray’s wet hair and his arms wrapped tightly around her silhouette. Their flames danced on the rhythms of fiery tangos, teasing and stirring each other to the point of burning themselves out into a pile of ash, only to rise higher, stronger, brighter.

Ray broke the kiss, gasping for air, his knuckles caressing her cheek in the most tender movement.

“You’re shivering,” he remarked, and he couldn’t tell whether it was from the cold or from the rush of the kiss.

“Yeah,” she chuckled, and her lips were on his again, hungrier, more eager, more hopeful.

And they danced and kissed and whispered and kissed some more until the skyline turned from coal to gray and the crack of dawn reminded them the night was no longer keeper of their tale. Daylight was their deadline.

“Ray,” she whispered, and he knew from the tone of her voice, from the curve of her lips over his, that the end was waving at them. “I should go.”

He swallowed hard and tucked a strand of wet blonde hair beneath her ear. “Can I walk you home?” he asked hopefully, yet knowing there wasn’t really any hope at all.

She smiled sadly, the first different smile he’d seen on her lips tonight. “This was all we had. And it was perfect.”

He brought himself to nod slightly, his fingers tighter than ever around hers, their foreheads touching. Eventually, she unclasped herself from his grip and placed another peck on his cheek.

“Close your eyes, Ray of Sunshine. Count to ten, and I’ll be gone.”

His breath caught in his throat. “Will I see you again?”

The same sad smile met her eyes behind that damned silver mask and she pursed her lips. “The tiny corner of our universe stays hidden in the night, Ray. It won’t survive in the daylight.”

“But I can’t go home knowing tonight was all there is to this.”

Her smile faded as she backed away, leaving Ray in the aftermath of a Seattle storm, bathing in the first rays of sun cracking over the city, bringing a day that didn’t have Sky in it and ending a night that held her with it.

“Goodbye, Ray of Sunshine,” she told him, and she turned on her heels, the epilogue of a perfect love story that would never be told.

4: Chapter 3: Calm after the storm

CHAPTER 3 – CALM AFTER THE STORM

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“What?”

“You are a complete imbecile.”

Ray narrowed his eyes at his best friend, although he was pretty used by now to being randomly insulted by Derek. He didn’t even question it anymore.

“Thank you for your original insight, Derek.”

“No, but, you, Raymond, are the most hopeless exhibit I’ve had the chance to meet.”

Ray groaned. “I’d like to see your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head so far up my ass.”

Derek didn’t show any sign that he’d heard them and just kept shaking his head in disapproval.

They were at the library Ray worked part-time at, because Derek had shown up five minutes ago, demanding graphic details about how his night with the ‘hot blondie at the bar’ had gone. Ray told him a shortened version of the story, which had let to an excruciating wave of insults and scolding and lectures.

“So let me get this straight,” Derek continued as he followed Ray through the bookshelves, arranging books.

“By all means,” Ray muttered under his breath.

“You pick up the hottest chick possible in a bar, on Halloween,” Derek stated.

“I wouldn’t exactly say I picked—“ Ray tried to explain himself, but his friend cut him off. Why was he even trying?

“And this chick actually gives you a speech about non-commitment.”

“It wasn’t—“

“And not only this,” Derek closed his eyes and breathed through his nose, as if the whole idea physically pained him. “But she offers getting out of there. That’s dumbass code for one-night stands.”

“I doubt—“

“And yet, Raymond,” Derek raised his voice, and Ray tried to shush him and failed miserably. “You take her for a walk and make out a little in the rain?”

Ray sighed. “Precisely.”

“I would call you an idiot, but that would be an insult for all the stupid people out there who actually manage to get laid.”

Ray pinched the bridge of his nose and put a hand on his hip, sighing loudly. He wouldn’t have expected him to understand. Derek was the ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ type of guy and he’d been trying to convert Ray for a while now, with zero success at the task. Sure, if Ray would have sat him down and explained to him how much last night had meant to him, he was sure even Derek would’ve backed down; they were best friends after all, and understood and cared about each other. But telling Derek didn’t feel right, because they way Sky had made him feel also belonged to that little corner of universe they’d sealed within last night.

“What was I supposed to do, Derek?” Ray asked, then instantly regretted having done so when Derek looked at him like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Wham bam, thank you, ma’am.”

Ray actually chuckled a little at that. “Not everything works this way, Derek.”

“Oh, like hell it doesn’t,” Derek exclaimed.

Ray dropped his gaze for a minute and thought about it then raised his eyes and met Derek’s before speaking.

“It didn’t with her.” A pause, and a shaky intake of breath. “She’s different.”

Silence followed, and Ray wasn’t sure what, but something in his words, or in his tone, or in his eyes made Derek shift his attitude and grow serious.

“So now what, man?” he asked, and Ray knew he was being serious because he wasn’t calling him Raymond anymore. “Are you gonna look for her?”

Ray sighed and slightly shook his head.

“I don’t know. Maybe. No, not really,” he sighed again, frustrated. “I don’t even know her name. And even if I could track her down, she made it clear she doesn’t wanna be found. And maybe it’s for the best. We had a lovely night and now I have some great memories.”

“And still no girlfriend,” Derek muttered under his breath, but kept his mouth shut after Ray shot him a look. He chuckled, but went back to being serious a few seconds later. “I’m glad, man. I really am. Even though you could’ve had some more and funnier, well, fun, if ya know what I mean—“ he winked and Ray let out a breathless laugh, “you do deserve being seen as the nice guy you are. Smart girl, sticking with you. I’m sorry it’s over.”

Ray looked at his friend, impressed that Derek could still see through the gaps in his story and realize the impact this girl had had on him.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, turning his attention back to arranging the books. “Yeah, me too.”

Before Derek got to chance to say anything else, the sharp sound of high heels echoed through the whole library and Ray cringed internally. Needless to say, this was a library and silence was mandatory. And he only knew one person who could not care less about that policy.

“Oh, there you were, Ray-Ray! I’ve been looking for you.”

Ray turned his back on Cindy Bennett and mouthed a ‘help me’ to Derek, who looked just as scared.

Cindy Bennett had gone to the same high school as Derek and Ray had. She was your typical bimbo. High heels, short skirts, obnoxious red, curly hair and revealing cleavages, and she clearly could have had any guy she could have ever wanted. And yet, for a reason they couldn’t quite wrap their heads around, she had had a crush on Ray Cartwright. Of all the people she could have tortured, Ray told himself. And it had been years. You’d think she could take a hint. And yet, here she was, like she did every week, showing up at the library, more provocative every time.

“Cindy,” Ray did his best not to groan and knock his head against the closest wall. “Hi. What are you doing here? Again?”

Derek stifled a laugh at Ray’s unexpected rudeness and Ray shot him a glare, begging for help with his eyes. Cindy, however, was still entirely clueless.

“I came to see you, of course,” she purred, twisting a red curl around her finger and tracing lines up and down Ray’s arm. He shuddered a little and forced a small smile in her direction.

“Well, that’s great, Cindy, but, um, actually, Derek and I should—“

“Oh, shoot,” Derek exclaimed, pretending to look at his watch and widening his eyes. Of course he was gonna flee. Bastard. “Look at the time. I have to, umm, be somewhere else, you know. To do that thing with that guy—“

Ray rolled his eyes and tried to look threateningly at his so-called coward friend.

“I should leave you two to your, umm, business,” he said, fighting a smile and took off.

Cindy still batted her eyelashes at Ray as if Derek hadn’t even been there in the first place.

“Well, I was thinking,” Cindy purred again, making Ray want to crawl out of his skin. “Since it’s almost closing time, we might as well grab a coffee and catch up a little. I know a great coffee place. And then, maybe we can go back to my place and dig up some old high school photos.”

The script never changed. Her offer stayed the same week after week and Ray’s rejection always came in variate shades. He was just too nice and wanted to let her down easy, but as time went by and she didn’t back down, he kept dropping more obvious hints that she still didn’t take. And God knew Ray had had enough of it.

“Gee, sorry, Cindy,” he said, mirroring Derek’s action from earlier and looking at his watch. “I actually have to wrap things up early today, my boss sent me to run some errands. Umm, I have to run now. Bye!”

She didn’t wait for her to answer and fled past her, never looking back. He knew he’d eventually have to sit her down and break her heart big time, but for now, there were things on his mind that left no space for anything else.

Sky.

Her hand in mine.

Her lips on mine.

The smell of rain on her skin and on her hair.

He did have an errand to run, even though it wasn’t for his boss and it wasn’t the only reason why he’d been in such a hurry to ditch Cindy.

Truth was, what he’d told Derek was complete bullshit he’d been telling himself all day long. He wanted to see Sky again. Her taste lingered on his lips even now and his fingers twitched when he thought of how smoothly they’d run over her skin. He knew nothing about her. Not her name, nor her face. But he knew he longed to see her again, no matter how small the chances of that happening were.

He walked across the streets of Seattle with his hands in his pockets. The errand he had to run was on the other side of the city, and he should’ve taken a cab or something, but he needed a clear head so he decided to walk instead. Considering he’d left earlier in a hurry to get away from Cindy, he had enough time on his hands.

He was supposed to go to this big law firm to drop by his paperwork in order to be considered for that paid internship he had his eyes on. Sure, his library job paid well and all that and he was like a fish in the water doing it, but a law carrier was what he was aiming for. Going to college and surviving law school financially had been hard enough on him, considering his troubled background, but he’d dreamed about being a lawyer ever since he was a kid. He wanted so badly to make that dream come true.

As his footsteps carried him through the crowded streets, his thoughts flew back to last night. Or morning. The fresh dawn and the silence after the storm felt rather dark and loud in her absence. He had no idea what Sky had done to him, but Ray had enjoyed too much that little taste of bliss to just go back to oblivion. He had no idea how he’d ever meet another girl who’d be able to rise to those expectation Sky had built up in him. And he wanted more of it.

More rain.

More night.

More dancing.

More kissing.

More Sky.

None of that.

He’d been such a complete moron to let her go like that. It’s not like he could just stop thinking about her so easily, not when his hair still smelled like rain and still held the touch of her fingertips.

He arrived at the law firm an hour later, barely feeling his feet and his head all over the place. He tried to get a hold of himself in order to make a good impression and make a solid candidate for that internship. He took the elevator to the 7^th floor and made his way to Michael Smith’s office, the lawyer whose intern Ray was going to be if he got the job.

He knocked twice and he was welcome in by Michael Smith, a man he looked up to, so he anxiousness was of no help to his mood.

Ray cleared his voice.

“Hello, Mr. Smith,” he spoke, his voice loud and confident, surprising even himself. “I’m Ray Cartwright. I’m here to apply for the internship, I’ve been e-mailing you.”

Michael Smith was a tall, sharp-dressed man, with a sly smile plastered on his face and wicked eyes. He looked young enough, but Ray knew he was over 50. He was a little scary, but the man hadn’t lost a law suit in years. He was a legend in the Bar of Seattle and his law firm was one of the pillars of the city. He was Ray’s guy if he wanted to build a safe and successful path towards a carrier in law.

Michael Smith studied Ray for a minute, then smiled widely. Ray couldn’t bring himself to trust or to return that smile.

“Ah, Mr. Cartwright,” Mr. Smith exclaimed. “Yes, I recall. Your e-mails were fairly impressive. You are one of our strongest candidates. We could use someone with your potential here in our firm. Your boldness and ambition remind me quite a lot of myself in my youngest years.”

Well, Ray wouldn’t have exactly describes himself as bold and ambitious, but when it came to his carrier, he’d made sure to sharpen some qualities. He was happy Michael Smith seemed to be appreciative of those qualities.

“Thank you, Mr. Smith,” he replied.

The man studied him for a few more minutes, then sat back in his chair, compliments time clearly over, and Ray wondered if he gave the same encouragement speech to all the candidates.

“Good to have your application, Mr. Cartwright,” he spoke eventually. “Make sure to leave your papers to my secretary and expect a call for an interview soon enough. With such a strong file, a spot as an internship here might as well be yours.”

Ray couldn’t help a wide smile from spreading across his face. Having a little insurance was nice. It helped to know that all of his hard work was finally paying off.

“Thank you, sir,” he repeated.

“My pleasure, son. We’ll call you soon.”

Ray understood the dismissal and turned on his heels, stopping by Mr. Smith’s secretary to drop his papers on his way out.

He made his way to the elevator, a huge smile plastered on his face. His mood wasn’t entirely lit up, but it was most definitely improved. Three years through pre-law and college itself hadn’t been at all easy. But Ray never gave up, no matter how hard it got, because he believed he could make a difference. He had to make a difference, if only to prove himself the world wasn’t as messed up as he’s grown up believing. And he’d spent 25 years searching for a truth that was good enough to live with. His law carrier wasn’t that much for the carrier itself, as it was for what it stood for. For what it symbolized. Ray’s life-long beliefs.

He was a few feet away from the elevator when he noticed the doors were halfway closed. He started running towards it.

“Hold the doors!” he shouted, although he knew he’d miss it and he’d have to wait for the next one.

But just as he was in front of the elevator, he stopped dead, barely breathing. Maybe he could’ve made his way in, but he was too dumb struck to be able to pull off a decent reaction time.

The elevator was full of people, but there was only one he had his eyes on. He wasn’t sure, he wasn’t sure of anything at all anymore. But he could sweat they were the same eyes, those blue eyes looking back at him so wide right now.

He had but two seconds to take it all in before the elevators doors closed and he was left hanging, wondering if his imagination wasn’t playing tricks on him. But for those two seconds, as the doors fractured the girl’s silhouette, Ray kept his eyes glue to her face, wondering if it was the same smile, if they were the same eyes who held the sky captive, if they were the same lips who taste he knew by heart.

But before he could answer these questions, the doors closed and the elevator went down, and Ray just stood there, breathing heavily, thinking he was either going mad, or he’d missed his final chance to chase the girl of his dreams.

 

A.N. Hey, guys! Yup, so, this is my first author’s note. Hi. Heheh.

Anyway, I really do hope you enjoy this story so far, because God knows I immensely enjoy writing it. I am slowly falling in love with Ray and Sky (especially Ray. Ray is bae) and I would love to hear your opinions on them.

See ya! 

5: Chapter 4: Two heartbeats and a half

CHAPTER 4 – TWO HEARTBEATS AND A HALF

“No, mom, it’s fine. Yeah, I’m fine. Mom, it’s okay, stop worrying about me. Tell Lily I said hi and to enjoy her senior year and give little Sarah a kiss for me, will you? Sure, mom, I’ll take care. Yeah. Yeah. You, too, mom. See you soon. Yeah. Bye.”

Ray hung up the phone and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. He loved his family and he adored his little sister more than anything in the world, but conversations with his mother exhausted him. She’d had to raise her children on her own and had done the impossible to keep her eldest son in college. For Ray, his mother was a goddess and he had nothing but admiration for her, considering the sacrifices she’d had to make for her kids. And that was partly the reason why she was being so damn paranoid all the time. Having her kid so far away from her sight had her constantly on the edge. And constantly got on Ray’s nerves.

He sighed and put his cell phone down, resuming his breakfast before heading to the library. He was already running late, like he always was whenever his mom called. He ate quickly and got dressed, deciding the only way to make it in time to work was to take a cab, though he’d always preferred taking the subway.

He grabbed his keys and phone from where he’d let them on the table and hurried out the door. It was a sunny day and he found himself loathing it. He’d been a summer kid and loved summer days, and yet, ever since Sky had shed some light over the matter, he had come to realize there was beauty and serenity in rain and cold, foggy, November mornings. Besides, within the storm, in the eye of the hurricane she’s left behind, still stood her.

Sky.

Yet again, Sky.

Her name kept playing on repeat, like a song playing in the background, stuck in his head like an obsessive tune. And ever since that girl in the elevator, he’d grown truly obsessed. His days revolved around a single question: was it her? And Ray hadn’t been able to answer that question yet.

He climbed inside the cab and watched the background quickly fade around him, everything becoming just an autumn rusty blur as the car drove down the crowded streets. He closed his eyes and sighed, tuning out the driver’s attempts to make small talk about the weather. He felt the clouds of a headache gathering behind his eyes and he knew it would be a long day. Most were. And stressing out over a call he never got from that law firm about that internship didn’t help. He was starting to think Michael Smith had been full of crap.

The car came to a halt at a street light and Ray cursed under his breath as he took in the traffic scenery. Nope, clearly there was no way he’d make it in time now. He leaned back in his seat as the taxi driver spat a whole palette of curses so variate, they nearly made Ray blush. He turned his attention towards the window and stared in the distance. Stupid, sunny day. When had he become so boring and depressive? He was glad Derek wasn’t there to point out the exact moment.

July 13^th, 1990. Wake up, Raymond. You were born boring and depressed.

Yeah. Right.

He let his eyes wander across the streets, following the pedestrians with his gaze as if they were raindrops racing down a foggy window. And with the taxi driver still swearing and honking the horn in the background, he froze once again, the all too familiar tightness settling in the middle of his chest as he watched a girl walk down the sidewalk.

He was pretty sure she was the same girl from the elevator. Same blonde hair, same silhouette, same posture, same delicacy in the way she held herself. And his gut told him that, if he’d gone close enough to her, he would’ve seen the same clear blue eyes staring back at him.

He felt his heart race in his chest. But was this girl Sky? This time, he had to find out.

He wasn’t sure what he was going to do, because while his brain was all over the place and his heart yelled at him to just do something, anything, his body was still frozen into place, unable to move an inch. And before he could wake up from his reverie and react, he felt the car move.

“No, no, no!” he yelled at the taxi driver, who looked at him like he’d gone mad; which Ray probably had. “Stop the car. Stop the car now!”

The poor guy had to oblige and stop the car. Ray tossed him a 50$ bill, not bothering with the chance, and practically jumped out of the car and raced down the street in the direction where he’d seen the girl. He ran back and forth for a few times, but she was nowhere in sight. He felt panic building up inside of him. If there was even the slightest possibility that girl had been Sky, he couldn’t let her go a third time. He couldn’t be that dumb.

He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, panting and looking around. Where the hell could she have gone? He ran a hand through his hair and thought he’s really lost her for good this time, when he saw a blonde head over that cute peach coat he’d seen her wear walking to the subway.

Ray let a heartbeat pass. Two heartbeats. Two heartbeats and a half. Before the third heartbeat, he sprung forward and ran towards her. Almost three full heartbeats was all the time he’d allowed himself to hope this was really Sky and that he’d catch her, before shutting down his brain and letting his body take over.

He moved through the thick crowd in frustration as people kept getting in his way, and soon, the girl disappeared from sight. He had to get to that subway station before losing her again.

“Excuse me! Sorry! Sorry, sorry, coming through,” he kept moving quickly past people, regardless of whom he bothered. Derek would’ve been proud.

Eventually, minutes later that felt so little, so late, he flew down the stairs to the subway and he scanned the crowd for that peach coat and that blonde little head.

“Come on, come on, come on,” he kept muttering under his breath, speaking to no one in particular, as if there were some words that could’ve sharpened his senses and helped him find her.

He paced back and forth, looking around desperately, still hoping, still praying, still cursing. He finally reached a spot near the train and his heart knew the drill already.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Two heartbeats and a half.

He saw her.

Three heartbeats.

She was on the train and the doors were closing. It was the elevator scene all over again.

Shit, Ray shouted in his mind. Shit, shit, shit.

He stood helplessly, in front of closed doors once again, this time able to see her as she left him behind. He took in her features. Golden curls, full lips, pointed cheeks, cute nose. She was definitely the girl from the elevator, but her eyes were fixated on the ground and he wanted so badly to see them. He couldn’t tell if the was Sky, no, he couldn’t be sure without seeing her eyes. But it had been so dark that night, and there had been that damned mask and the rain and his daze…

He still stood there helplessly, waiting for the train to move, having the girl just in front of him, just one set of closed door between them.

And then she raised her gaze and their eyes met. Hers widened slightly and she blinked in surprise. Ray let out a shaky breath. Then she smiled and all the world dropped dead.

And then the train moved.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Two heartbeats and a half.

Blue eyes. Clear blue. Blue as the sky during the sunniest summer mornings. And if that hadn’t been enough reassurance, that sly, teasing, challenging smile had confirmed it.

She was Sky.

Before the third heartbeat, Ray fled again.  Now that he knew it was her, there was no way in hell he’d lose her. He had no plan, but his feet told him to run, so he ran.

He caught sight of a subway map in his peripheral vision on his way and stopped for a second. Three, four, five subway stops on the route she was on. If he had to search each and every last one of them, he’d find her.

But you can’t run faster than a train, dumbass, he heard a small voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Derek. And while he wanted to shut that voice up and sprint into the marathon of his life, he knew there was truth to that little voice of reason. He couldn’t outrun the train. But what was he supposed to do then?

Think, Ray, think, think, think, he prompted himself, feeling the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

And then whatever God was listening decided to answer his prayers, because he caught sight of a kid walking towards his bicycle.

I cannot believe I’m about to do this. May God have mercy on my soul.

And without thinking twice, he leapt forward and, before the kid could reach the bike, Ray grabbed it and climbed it as fast as he could, thanking heavens above it was big enough for him.

“I’m sorry, kiddo, I’ll return it to you as soon as I can,” he called over his shoulder, not sticking around long enough to deal with the aftermath of his actions. Though he could hear the kid crying in the distance and calling for his mom and Ray couldn’t help but wonder if people could go to jail for borrowing bikes from little children. Law school hadn’t taught them that.

But every rational thought catching shape in his head was soon overwhelmed by the rhythm of his delirious heart chanting her name.

Sky.

Sky.

Sky.

Good Lord, it was her.

Good Lord, what the hell am I gonna say to her?

But he couldn’t think about that just now. He had to catch her first. And seeing as his muscles were already starting to feel a little sore, he just hoped he’d be fast enough and that he’d hang in there long enough to be able to stand in front of her. Stand, preferable. Not collapse at her feet from exhaustion. But he’d take what he could get.

His feet moved aggressively over the pedals and he soon reached the first subway station. He stopped the bike, trying to catch his breath. He looked at the panels and saw that the last train had arrived three minutes ago and had already moved on. Ray looked around, thinking that she couldn’t have gotten far in just three minutes, and that she would’ve probably still been around. But she was nowhere in sight, so he took it as a sign he could safely be on his way, too.

He had the same result in the second and third station and he was growing quite confident in his odds. By the fourth station, he caught up with the train and actually had to wait for a few minutes after its arrival to completely scan out the crowd and the passengers who had gotten off. Sky was still nowhere in sight.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Two heartbeats and a half and he went for the fifth station.

The third heartbeat knew he’d find her there.

He didn’t dare making a plan as to what he’d say to her. For now, he’d be happy to just stand in front of her and be on the receiving side of that wicked smile once more and let her know he hadn’t been able to get her out of his head. Day and night, his skin itched where she’d touched him. She’d had to know the way she’d burned his heart wasn’t that of a flame, it had been that of a Phoenix bird. And she’d left ashes behind that felt like salt poured into wounds.

He pedaled fast towards the fifth station, counting his breaths until he got there.

He was seconds away. The train had just arrived. He’d just wait there until she got off the train. There was no more first, or second, or third heartbeats, no more halfway heartbeats. His heart was a firework show, random and loud and explosive.

The bike couldn’t go fast enough. He was a few feet away, he—

He felt the background shift around him and, next thing he knew, he was lying on the ground, the bike inches from him, one of the wheels broken. What the hell?

He groaned and got up, just to see and old lady crouched in front of him, reaching for the onions that had fallen out of her bag and failing to get them all. It occurred to Ray that he might’ve bumped into her. Oh, dear Lord.

“Jesus Christ,” he exclaimed, hurrying to the woman’s side, trying to help her pick up her onion. “I’m so sorry, ma’am, I should’ve watched where I was going. Are you okay, are you hurt?”

He picked up the last onion and placed it in the bad in the woman’s hand, and the old lady simply chuckled, patting his hand affectionately.  Oh, he did not have the time for this. If he lost Sky again, he would’ve surely done so for good.

“It’s okay, dear, I’m fine,” the old lady told him, smiling gently and speaking slowly. Ray wanted to just run and find his girl. “It’s you who took the more serious blow. Oh, dear, are you hurt?”

“N-no, ma’am, I’m fine,” Ray hurried to say, trying to get away. “I’m terribly sorry, but I have to—“

“Oh, such a nice young man,” the woman continued, still smiling widely, oblivious to Ray’s troubles. “So eager to help me. Oh, and saving my onions, too. Yes, my old Gus does have a weakness for onion rings, he can’t get enough of them. And there’s this grocery store just around the corner that has some great sales.”

“That’s great, ma’am, but—“ Ray tried to excuse himself while there was still time, but the lady wouldn’t let him speak.

“Oh, dear, silly me,” the woman exclaimed. “Here, honey, have some onions. I can give you a magnificent recipe for onion rings that you’ll just love—“

She pulled out two onions and forced them into Ray’s hands, who kept trying to move away.

“Thank you, ma’am, but I don’t need—“

“I’m telling you, son, onion rings are—“

“Yes, ma’am, I’m sure, but—“

“Come on, son, don’t be shy. It’s as repayment for helping an old woman like me.”

Ray sighed and gave up trying to reason with her, so he took the onions from her hands, thanked her and ran the rest of the way to the subway station, hoping he hadn’t been too late.

He was panting by the way he got there, his eyes glued to the panels. The train had left seven minutes ago. He looked around, clinging to one last hope that she was still around, the some tiny, insignificant in the universe could’ve slowed her footsteps and kept her within sight. But after ten minutes of looking around, it slowly started to sink it.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Two heartbeats and a half.

Before the third heartbeat, Ray’s heart sank. He still had no Sky.

 

***

 

She got off the train at the end of the line, still thinking about the boy with a sleeping fire in his eyes and a crooked grin who’d rested on her lips a few nights ago. That night wasn’t one she’d allowed among her days, so Ray of Sunshine didn’t belong among them, either. She hadn’t changed her mind about that.

But as she left the subway station and was walking away down the crowded streets, a few feet away, she caught sight of an old lady forcing two onions in Ray’s hands. And the poor guy looked so frustrated, so irritated, so helpless and helplessly polite, it was utterly adorable.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Half a smile.

Sky turned on her heels and went on her way.

 

6: Chapter 5: Please don't stop the rain

CHAPTER 5 – PLEASE DON’T STOP THE RAIN

“Are you Raymond Cartwright?”

Ray rolled his eyes dramatically. “Derek, we’ve been friends since middle school. You know who I am.”

“Or so I thought,” Derek replied, placing a hand over his chest and closing his eyes like the world’s biggest drama queen. “Are you sure it’s you?”

“Derek—“

“No, no, but lemme get this straight,” Derek cut him off, unable to keep a straight face anymore and pursing his lips against his laughter. “You, you stole a kid’s bike.”

“I paid him for it,” Ray defended. “I told him to buy a new–“

“And you ran over an old lady,” Derek continued, bursting into giggles. “Bet those onions rings were worth it.”

Ray couldn’t stop a small smile from blooming across his lips.

“They kinda were,” he admitted. “The woman has a killer recipe.”

Derek threw his head back laughing and clapped his hands, constantly repeating this was the funniest story he’d ever heard. And after a few solid minutes of hysterically laughing, he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and grew serious.

“But you still missed your girl,” he spoke, and Ray’s smile fell and he dropped his gaze.

“Yeah,” he whispered then cleared his voice and spoke again. “Yeah. I still didn’t catch Sky. And I’m pretty sure I won’t get such a chance again. Seattle’s a big city. Maybe it’s just not meant to be.”

Derek huffed and smacked Ray in the back of his head.

“Ow,” Ray complained. “The hell was that for?”

“For being a complete moron, as usual,” Derek said cheerfully. “Come on, Ray. You don’t believe that. You wouldn’t have run halfway across the city, stolen a kid’s bike and considered letting an old lady in the middle of the street just to catch a girl if you thought this wasn’t meant to be.”

Ray sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Maybe. But—“

“Shut your face, Raymond,” Derek yelled dramatically. “I have no clue what makes this girl so special or so out of the ordinary for you to lose your head like this. But I like what she’s doing to you.”

Ray blinked. “What’s she doing to me?”

Derek rolled his eyes dramatically and waved his hands around like Ray was the world’s greatest imbecile and he was the only evolved human being in the existence of history.

“Ray, come on. I’ve known you for most of my life. You’re nice and shy and awkward and the most cerebral guy I know. For the past two weeks, you’ve picked up a chick from a bar, left with her, made out and danced in the rain like in those freakish chick lit movies that you hate so much, and now you’re telling me you stole a kid’s bike and ran over an old lady just to be able to catch this girl. A girl you know nothing about, so you’re clearly going on a hunch. And Ray, you’ve literally never went on a hunch, which is why I’m curious what about her was able to bring out this side of yours. ‘Cause I’m enjoying the hell of it.”

Ray blew out a breath and ran his hands through his hair. Derek’s speech was enlightening, on point and weird, ‘cause Derek didn’t do speeches. But it got Ray thinking. He really wasn’t being himself and his obsession wasn’t anywhere near fading away. Yeah, he decided. This was what it was. An unhealthy obsession. And it ate him alive.

“I really hope you find her, mate,” Derek spoke again several seconds later, serious mood still on. “I like this guy better than the old Ray.”

Ray rolled his eyes at his best friend, but smiled nonetheless. He had to admit, he enjoyed the rush of it. He felt it in his bones, the urge to get his feet moving and start running and not stop until he found her. Yeah, unhealthy obsession was the phrase of the week.

“Anyway, I should get going,” Derek spoke eventually, getting up from his seat. “I’ve got a hot date tonight. Chick’s a kindergarten teacher in the morning, hot stuff at night. The woman can hold her liquor damn well and she’s got these huge –“

“Too much information,” Ray interrupted him before he’d end up with a way too vivid image in his head that he didn’t want or need there. “I should wrap things up as well here, anyway. I’ll close the library and head home soon.”

“Call you later, mate,” Derek called over his shoulder on his way out, leaving Ray behind in the empty library.

Ray sighed. He’d always enjoyed the silence and had found it oddly comforting, but lately, it struck him as rather lonely and deafening. Derek was right. This was for the first time in his life when his head was a complete mess. It felt like a puzzle he couldn’t solve, like a disease he couldn’t diagnose, an equation he couldn’t solve, a half written poem or an unfinished painting. Thinking of Sky was ironically like a storm cloud on a sunny day.

He picked up some books and arranged the shelves for the next day absent-mindedly. He looked at his watch and saw he’d just missed the bus he was supposed to catch, so he now had to wait for the next one. An enraged thunder in the distance reminded him it was madly pouring outside and he didn’t have an umbrella, so it was suddenly starting to feel like one of those days when you think it can’t get any worse and then the universe gets the compelling urge to prove itself and prove you wrong.

Ray grabbed his things and closed the library, stepping out in the pouring rain, getting soaked to the bone within seconds. The rain reminded him of that night, and it occurred to him that this storm was teasing him just to spite him. Because this storm knew where Sky was, and he didn’t. Because this storm had her, was owned by her. And Ray only had fading memories, and wet hair she’d run her fingers through, and wet lashes, and wet lips that had kissed hers with raindrops as a seal. Soaked skin and a dry will. Flooded streets, while her memory was like an oasis when the drought wears you off.

The bus station was just across the library, so Ray crossed the library and stood there in the rain, knowing he’d freeze like hell waiting for that bus. It was November, and the temperature was nowhere near mild. And this was Seattle. He could already anticipate the fevers, the runny nose, the shivering, every symptom of the cold he was about to catch.

He waited in the rain for over ten minutes and he was pretty much shivering his ass off by now. The sidewalks were deserted and the traffic was insane, crowded and loud, but there was no one in sight other than a red umbrella somewhere in the distance. He didn’t even realize the person was walking towards him and he didn’t particularly care. His eyes were stuck to the traffic, hoping he’d get to see that freaking bus soon and get home, get into bed and have a hot cup of coffee. Maybe even finish that book now. It had been on stand-by ever since that night with Sky.

He checked his watch again. Where the hell was that bus? His eyes turned slightly to the left and saw the red umbrella right next to him, the person turned to him with her whole body. Because it was a she. A tiny, slim silhouette, wearing a peach coat.

Ray stopped shivering. He stopped breathing. He stopped thinking. And she stood there, in front of him, one hand tucked inside her pocket and the other holding a red umbrella, smiling at him with that same devilish smile that was up to no good, fixating him with her blue eyes. And he was unable to move, unable to speak, unable to breath.

She was the first to break the silence, that sly smile never leaving her lips.

“Dreadful weather, isn’t it?” she spoke, and Ray wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her and ask her why the hell she was standing in front of him talking about weather when he had trouble breathing and shaping actual words in his head. But he didn’t. Didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t breathe. And she spoke again, looking around. “All this rain, and not a single ray of sunshine.” She said the words casually, not giving any sign that she knew what her words or the sound of her voice did to him, and then she turned her gaze and met his eyes, smiling. “Well,” she said, letting some subtext come across. “Maybe just one.”

In spite of himself, Ray had to chuckle a little at that.

“It’s you,” he whispered, voice shaky and hoarse. “Sky.”

She didn’t reply, but Ray could see it in her eyes, could read it on her lips and decoded it from the shape of her cheekbones as they were lifted by a playful smile. And good God, she was beautiful. He’d known she was beautiful from that first night, even if most of her face was hidden. He’d known it after he’d seen her on the elevator and on the subway. But as he lay in bed, trying to remember her face, her features were blurry. And having her now standing there, right in front of her, close enough to touch, had him mesmerized, dumb folded, speechless, breathless. She was the most stunning woman he’d ever laid his eyes upon.

They stood there, looking at each other for a few seconds, Ray scorching his brain for something to say, and Sky waiting patiently for him to speak, daring him, teasing him, playing with him with just her eyes. Eventually, Ray spoke.

“I’ve been looking for you,” he said pathetically, and he knew he’d later smack himself for it.

Sky giggled, the same articulate soft sound he remembered.

“You’ve looked in the wrong places, Ray of Sunshine,” she scolded. “I’m to be found in the night, or in the rain.” She lifted her gaze again, looking at the sky like it was calling her home. Which wouldn’t have surprised Ray that much. “Seems like tonight was double luck.”

There were so many things he wanted to say to her. So many questions. So many pleas. So many, so many, so many, and he was dumb enough to have her standing before him and not be able to utter a single word. Speechlessness was new to him and he loathed it, he loathed the blank file in his thoughts when his heart was beating like crazy, begging him to stop being a complete idiot and to just open his mouth and mutter something. Anything.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he spoke. Still pathetic. Dammit, Raymond, he could practically hear Derek’s voice in the back of his head.

“Good,” she replied, tilting her head to one side a little. “So talk. I like to hear you talk.”

Ray let out a breath in what was supposed to be laughter, admiring and hating and loving the way she was toying him like a cat likes to play with its pray before eating it.

“Out of all the ways I thought I’d meet you again,” he began, smiling against the rain on his lips, “I never thought it’d be as random and hazardous as meeting you on a bus station.”

Sky turned a little to face the street, and Ray instantly missed the intensity of her gaze on him.

“I don’t know about that,” she retorted. “I like this option better than the subway station. It’s more poetic.” Then she turned to him and tuned her voice down to a whisper. “The subway stinks.”

Ray grinned widely at her and she chuckled in return. Then she resumed talking. “Random and hazardous sounds perfect to me. Very Love in the time of cholera, save the gross old people getting it on.”

Ray actually laughed out loud at that, at the cute way the corners of her mouth wrinkled at the thought and at the example she’d happened to choose.

“Funny you should say that,” he said. “That’s actually my favorite book. Sure, save for old people getting it on, but still. I’m quite the fan of the random and hazardous.”

Sky threw her head back laughing at his comment about the book and turned to him again, her red umbrella shattering her from the rain while Ray just stood there, soaked to the skin and letting himself drown in her presence.

He wanted to keep talking. To never shut up, to ask her things, about herself, about that night, about tomorrow, but the bus was coming and he had to go and she had to go and he wasn’t sure he could wrap his head around the concept of letting her go again.

She leaned closer and raised her umbrella so that his height could fit under it, and she looked at him with a warm smile before leaning in and kissing his cheek. His breath caught in his cheek and his fingers twitched with the urge to grab her shoulder and keep her in place, just so that he could search her eyes for that same desire that drove him crazy right now. He wanted to see if she was dying to kiss him as hard as he was dying to kiss her. But she stepped back soon, leaving his body cold in the rain, cold with every step that took her warmth away from him.

“Keep that in mind, Ray of Sunshine,” she spoke as the bus stopped in the station, but Ray couldn’t move, even though he was vaguely aware that he’d have to spend another half hour before the next bus. “Random and hazardous. The best things happen when you least expect it. Live by that rule.”

And just like that, she turned her back on him, closed her umbrella and climbed the stairs inside the bus, and that’s when Ray finally found his voice and the will to move his muscles.

“Wait,” he called after her. “I didn’t catch your name.”

Sky stopped on the stairs of the bus and turned to look over her shoulder.

“I didn’t say,” she teased him, and Ray should’ve known it couldn’t have been that easy. Well, he had to try.

She turned again to leave, and Ray called after her again. He couldn’t let her go just yet. He needed just a second, just one more second of her. Even if this would be all he had of her.

“Wait. Will I see you again?”

She looked over her shoulder at him once more, but didn’t reply this time. She just shot him that sly, teasing, playful smile that Ray had already gotten used to, but there was something more to it this time. She turned around and disappeared inside the bus, leaving him gaping behind. The bus drove again and Ray still stood in the pouring rain.

It was a promise. That’s what her smile held. She didn’t know whether they’d meet again, either, but those clear blue eyes offered the promise that this wasn’t over. And Ray could have tracked down the route of the bus, even though last time he’d done that hadn’t worked out that well. But he remembered. Random and hazardous. That was all she could promise. 

7: Chapter 6: Paper heart

CHAPTER 6 – PAPER HEART

It was already December. Ray had learned to slowly love autumn, November days, rain and fog and refreshing cold mornings just to have it all taken away from him as winter hit and it all froze into place. Just like with Sky. What good does it do to get one taste, one shred of pure bliss if the emptiness that follows it wears you off worse than it was without having known it?

It had been three weeks, give or take, since he’s last seen Sky on that cold, rainy day, in the bus station. Something about the energy of it that kept coming back to him like a treacherous tide told him they’d meet a guy and he wouldn’t have to chase any more trains or knock down any more old ladies this time. He felt in his gut. It glowed within him every time he remembered her eyes from that night, that smile, the way she’d turned on her heels without as much as a goodbye, because maybe this wasn’t goodbye. He wanted so badly to believe this.

So he waited. A few days passed, and he was giddy and excited and even let Derek have his way with kinky jokes and role-play fantasies that left little to imagination. Then a week passed and Ray told himself maybe the universe needed some time to sort things out before throwing Sky at him. Then two weeks passed, and he was getting edgy and impatient and he was kinda losing hope. Then three weeks passed and he admitted to himself there was no such thing as the universe working in his favor. No such thing as meant to be. It’s up to you to make it happen. But now he’d lost three full weeks waiting around for some silly miracle and he felt like slapping himself for how utterly delusional he’d been. Since when did science club kid Ray Cartwright believe in miracles and invisible forces of the universe?

He sighed and snapped his book shut. Sky had gotten under her skin and it itched right beneath surface, making him feel like crawling out of his flesh. No one had ever before been able to set him on fire like this. No, not set him on fire. Make him find comfort in burning. And he ached for that feeling, for that flame, for that daze. He’d been so stupid to let her go like that. So damn stupid.

He started to absent-mindedly work registers, counting the minutes until he could finally go home. He lacked patience whatsoever lately because of this whole this with Sky. He still had about an hour or two before closing hours and he was pretty sure Derek was about to walk in any minute now, like he did every day. And fortunately, Cindy had spared him her presence as well for these past weeks, which was quite fortunate for her, since he wasn’t sure he could restrain himself from snapping at her given his current mood.

“Cartwright, special delivery for you.”

Ray looked up at his boss’ voice and raised an eyebrow when he threw a pack on the desk. It was a medium-sized box, wrapped in light blue paper and with a darker blue ribbon. He frowned at it and looked back at his boss.

“What’s this?”

His boss huffed.

“Do I look like a freaking delivery boy, Cartwright? No clue, some chick dropped it off for you.”

Ray rolled his eyes. Just when he thought he had some Cindy-free time, she had to go do something like this. He really needed to let her down gentle, once and for all, because this wasn’t healthy for either of them.

He sighed as he unwrapped the box, wondering what kind of lame idea she’d come up with in order to get him now. But when he opened it, he froze into place for a second and frowned. He reached inside and pulled out Love in the time of cholera. This was odd. Why would Cindy give him a copy of his favorite book? How did Cindy even know what his favorite book was? He’d never talked to Cindy about such things, considering things usually revolved around her shamelessly flirting with him and him awkwardly avoiding her.

But then Ray’s breath caught as a word popped into his head. It was a long shot, but if there was even the slightest chance that this was true, it was enough for him to put all his hope into it.

His breath was shallow and his heart was beating hard against his chest. He turned the cover and there, on the first page, was written in cursive, neat handwriting, The sky is the limit.

Holy mother of God, this was happening.

He laughed breathlessly and felt dizzy for a second. And if he had any more doubts, he caught peak of something else inside the box and reached inside just to pull out a silver, intricate mask. He didn’t need more than half a heartbeat to recognize it as the mask Sky had worn that night, on Halloween, at the masquerade. She was the one who’d sent this box and his head was spinning so fast he thought he was going to be sick.

“I see you’ve piece it together.”

This was it. The voice he’d worn as a soundtrack inside his head for the past few weeks. Soft and articulate. He raised his gaze and saw Sky leaning against the doorframe at the library’s entrance, her arms crossed over her chest, a playful smile on her lips, wearing the same peach coat.

“Sky,” he whispered, not trusting his voice to stay steady enough in order to form a whole sentence.

Her smile grew and she shoved her hands in the coat’s pockets as she walked towards him with the small, precise, sensual steps of a feline. And he was the mouse.

“So, I woke up this morning,” she spoke slowly, enhancing every word, looking at Ray through her lashes, knowing exactly the effect she had on him. “And I told myself the universe is being a little too lazy for my taste.” Ray smiled and shook his head, because he’d been thinking the same thing for a while now. She stopped in front of the desk, leaned a little forward on her elbows and spoke again. “So I walked past the library and I saw you here, chewing on your pencil. You were constantly running your hands through your hair.” She bit her lip, her blue eyes sparkling. “And I thought I wanted to do, that, too.”

Ray raised an eyebrow, not following anymore.

“You sent me a book because you wanted to run your hands through your hair?” he asked, confused, and Sky rolled her eyes, leaning in more and drawing small circles with her finger on the back of his hand, making him shiver.

“No, dumbass,” she chuckled, then lowered her voice to a whisper. “I wanted to run my hands through yours.”

Ray’s eyes widened slightly and he gulped. This was all it took. He wasn’t even sure what sold the deal. Maybe it was the seductive frequency of her voice. Maybe the intensity of her eyes and the glint dancing within them. Maybe it was her light touch leaving a map of goosebumps on his skin. Or maybe it was her intoxicating presence and the fact that she was here, standing before him, in his library, in the daylight. She was palpable and he was having a hard time processing that.

But his brain worked fast. He was like a junkie after three weeks of rehab. Like the first drink of an alcoholic after three weeks of being sober. A glass of water after a long hot summer day. He was going to take this chance while he still had it in front of him and he was going to enjoy the hell out of it.

Without thinking twice, he circled the desk until he stood in front of Sky and, as she was watching him curiously, he grabbed her wrist without thinking twice and tried not to flinch at the sudden outburst of electricity as he led her through the shelves. He always thought this talk about ‘electricity at touch’ he’d read about in books was complete bullshit. It’s just touch. Skin. He had never been that fond of direct contact with people, truth be told. But it was real, and with Sky, it was overly amplified. Touching wasn’t just touching, it was connecting, and skin wasn’t just skin, it was empty canvas. And it was electrifying. No gesture was meaningless, and every point of contact was like a separate giant star bursting into its very own supernova. It was mind-blowing and it felt so insanely natural.

The way Ray made his way through the shelves like he was walking through a maze and Sky was waiting at the center of it, but then he remembered she was there, his hand in his and following him quietly, an amused and curious expression glued to her face.

Finally, Ray stopped as they reached the spot he had in mind and he turned to her abruptly, making her bump into his chest, and didn’t wait for her to speak before finding her lips and capturing them in a kiss. Sky gasped against his mouth and gave a breathless chuckle as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. He obeyed and walked her backwards until her back was against a shelf and kissed her senseless and she kissed him senseless as well until they were nothing but clay figures standing breathlessly wrapped in each other’s arms, smiling dumbly at each other.

Neither of them spoke and they just stood there, forehead against forehead, breathing the same air, Sky gripping his collar tightly and Ray’s hands steady at her waist, until his smile grew wider and hers faltered.

“Ray,” she whispered, closing her eyes and biting her lip, and Ray’s grip on her tightened.

“Don’t,” he whispered back. “I know that voice. You’re not walking out on me. Not again. I’ve been going crazy, not being able to find you. So I’m not letting you go this time.”

She smiled weakly, and pulled him in for another quick kiss, then studied him through her lashes, running her finger gently across his full lips.

“I’ve got nothing to give you, Ray,” she spoke helplessly.

“I don’t care,” he replied, and found himself meaning it against everything he’d ever thought about himself and about anything at all.

“I mean it. You don’t understand. I can’t ask anything of you since I can’t even let you in my life. I can’t even give you me. I can only give you Sky.”

Ray smiled despite himself. “You can’t offer me the sky and pretend it’s not enough.”

Sky chuckled and slapped his shoulder playfully. “I’m serious.”

Ray kissed her forehead lightly and sighed, growing serious as well. “I know. But I am, too. I don’t care. I don’t care if you won’t tell me your name, or who you are, or where you come from or where you go, I do not care as long as you’re here. I’m too wrapped up in your little game at this point. I stand by what I said that night, Sky. Lead the way. However you might want to. I’ll follow.”

“All in?” she asked with a small smile on her lips, almost sheepishly. Ray found himself wanting that smile to end up on his lips, because sheepish suited her in the most weird, delicious way.

“All in,” he replied and went for another kiss, and just as their lips were millimeters apart, barely brushing against each other, he heard the sharp sound of high heels echoing in the whole library. Ray groaned against Sky’s lips. “Not now. Good God, not now.”

He pulled apart and closed his eyes, unwrapping a hand from Sky’s waist to rub his eyes. Sky watched him curiously, smiling confused.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, removing his hand from his eyes and forcing him to look at her. Ray grimaced.

“The devil’s spawn is here,” he muttered under his breath, and Sky gave a whole-hearted laugh, which made Ray place a hand over her lips to muffle her laughter, even though the sound of it made his skin prickle. “Shhh, she’ll hear you.”

Sky’s shoulders were shaking with laughter, even though Ray’s hand still covered her mouth, but she removed it a few seconds later.

“Oh, come on, Ray of Sunshine,” she said, still giggling. “Whoever this is, I’m sure it can’t be that bad. Plus, I can hear heels, what is this, The devil wears Prada?”

Ray bit his lip against his laughter. “Worse,” he replied. “There’s this girl who’s been having a crush since high school.”

That just made Sky laugh even harder. “Look at you, little Ray of Sunshine giving girls the hots. They grow up so fast.”

Ray smiled and shook his head playfully. “You and Derek would get along so well,” he said, and when he saw Sky’s confused expression, it occurred to him he hadn’t introduced the two of them. “Oh, that’s right. Derek’s my—“

“Ray? Ray-Ray, are you there?” they heard Cindy’s voice somewhere near them.

“Shit,” Ray cursed under his breath as Sky mouthed ‘Ray-Ray’ to him before bursting into a new round of giggles.

“Oh my God, this should be fun,” she exclaimed and grabbed Ray’s hand, pulling him in the direction where they’d heard Cindy’s voice.

“Sky,” Ray called, panic obvious in his voice, which made the whole situation even funnier for Sky. “What are you doing? Sky, just—“

But she wouldn’t listen, and a few seconds later, they found Cindy, looking slutty as ever, a pouty shape of her lips anticipating the flirt she intended to throw in Ray’s direction soon enough. For a moment, she didn’t see Sky standing there, her whole attention focused on Ray, and she opened her mouth to speak when her gaze finally rested on Sky’s silhouette and clouds darkened her expression.

“Hello,” Sky greeted her politely, and Cindy frowned. Ray bit his lip, wishing to be anywhere but here. Oh boy, this was going to get ugly.

“Who are you?” Cindy asked, not bothering with manners or pleasant introductions.

The three of them sat in silence until Ray realized both girls were looking at him expectantly and he cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Yeah, umm,” he began, stammering, rubbing the back of his neck in utter embarrassment, not knowing how to explain Cindy to Sky or Sky to Cindy. “Cindy, this is, umm… I mean, she’s… Um, yeah. And Sky, she’s, I-I mean, this is Cindy—“

Sky’s giggles interrupted his lame attempt at explaining the situation, and Ray had time for about two seconds of being grateful before he realized this could only have gone worse.

“Oh, Ray-Ray,” Sky shook her head amused, and Ray groaned internally. What game was she playing now? “You absolute dork. I’m sorry, you must be Cindy, right? I’ve heard a lot about you?”

Ray’s eyebrows shot up. Had she?

“Have you?” Cindy asked, looking at Sky suspiciously. “’Cause I haven’t heard a thing about you.”

Sky blinked a few times and Ray thought she was a little stuck and didn’t know how to respond, but then she slapped her forehead theatrically.

“Figures,” she smiled a fake sad smile. “Sure he wouldn’t mention me. After all, you’re the girl he’s been in love with for so long.”

Ray choked on air and Cindy shot them an incredulous look. What. The actual. Fuck.

“Excuse me?” Cindy asked in her high pitched voice that scratched Ray’s ears.

Sky gasped and covered her mouth with her hand, eyes wide. “Oh, my. I screwed up, didn’t I? Ray, you mean she didn’t know?” She clicked her tongue then turned to Cindy. “Well, now you do. He’s been going bonkers over you and all that I could hear from the moment I met him was Cindy this, Cindy that. It took a lot of hard work to get him over you, and I mean, a lot of hard work. If you know what I mean.”

She winked, and Ray lost his shit. He put a hand over his mouth and turned around so that Cindy couldn’t see his violent outburst of giggles, and hoped his shoulders shaking with laughter wouldn’t give him away. But when he turned around, Cindy was just looking at Sky, blinking, so heartbroken Ray actually felt bad for her.

“Ray had a crush on me?” she asked in a small voice and Sky nodded vigorously. “And now he’s over it?” Sky nodded again. “And he’s with you now?”

Ray actually held his breath for a small second, waiting for Sky’s answer, when she pursed her lips and nodded again.

“Oh, yeah, totally,” she answered. “In fact, his mom keeps pressuring us to start trying for a baby. Clock’s ticking and we won’t be this young forever.”

Ray bit his lip so violently against his laughter he thought he’d start drawing blood and he couldn’t believe how straight-faced Sky was. This woman.

“Oh,” Cindy said, her eyes blank. “I gotta go.”

She didn’t wait for them to reply before turning on her heels and rushing out of the library, and Sky and Ray burst into hysteric laughter as soon as they heard the front door close after her. They hardly calmed down minutes later and Ray shook his head incredulously at this nut-head of a woman.

“I think I went a little overboard,” Sky said between giggles, thinking about how Cindy had fled, small tears dancing in the corners of her eyes.

Ray huffed and gave another breathless laugh, raising his eyebrows at her. “You think?”

 

***

 

There was still one hour left until Ray was supposed to close the library and Derek rushed there, eager to tell him about his date the other night. And maybe, just maybe get the poor bastard’s ass to go out with him tonight, try to pick up some random chick for him to get his mind off that Halloween girl he’d been pinning for. I swear, Derek thought, it’s like this guy enjoys being sad and sulking. I should be sad and sulking for having a friend who can’t score even when the goal keeper practically begs you to score.

He turned on the corner to the library, replaying that crazy date in his head and hoping Ray would give him the chance to tell him about it before launching into another teary-eye conversation about the Sky chick, when he bumped into a small silhouette.

“Whoa,” he exclaimed. “Gee, watch your step.”

He caught the girl’s shoulders and caught glimpse of copper red curls. And he only knew one person with copper red curls. Well, one that he remembered and hadn’t slept with.

Uh oh.

“Umm, sorry,” Cindy spoke, wiping her eyes, and Derek saw that she was crying.

Oh, man. Just when I needed.

He pondered whether he should’ve just ignored her and pretended he hadn’t seen anything, or to check if she was okay. Crying chick. Man, he really sucked at this.

Cindy was about to walk past him and keep going her way when Derek cursed under his breath and turned around, calling after her.

“Wait, Cindy,” he called, and she stopped walking and turned slightly to him. “Are you, umm, are you okay?”

She forced a smile that came off as more of a grimace, then she raised her arms slightly just to let them drop by her body.

“No,” she admitted. “I’m not. But I intend to go get drunk until I can’t remember my name, so I guess I will be.”

She turned around and started walking away without waiting for an answer from Derek. He cursed again under his breath. She didn’t strike him as the kind of girl who knew how to get drunk safely. Or the kind who’d even gotten drunk. Part of him wanted to shrug it off and go back to his not caring policy. But the other part of him had gone to high school with this girl and wasn’t exactly okay with her ending up God knows where with God knows who.

So he cursed himself again under his breath.

“Oh, boy, I’m so gonna regret this,” he mumbled to himself, shaking his head, before running after her. “Cindy, wait up.”

8: Chapter 7: Temporary bliss

CHAPTER 7 – TEMPORARY BLISS

Derek woke up dizzy and groaned, his head spinning. This morning tasted like a night he’d regret. Jesus Christ, what the fuck had happened last night? He placed his hands over his eyes, trying to get a hold of himself and piece it together.

Cindy, wait up.

Derek’s eyes flew open and he stopped breathing. Oh, no. Oh, hell no. No, no, no.

He raised his head a little and his eyes caught sight of a slim shape sitting on the side of the bed, bent forward to put on her shoes. The red curls confirmed his greatest fear.

As he was still trying to process the events, she turned and looked at him, blinking slowly, and Derek felt like, if a thousand thunders hit him all at once right here and now, it still would’ve been better than the alternative of having to live for the rest of his days knowing he’d hooked up with Cindy Bennett.

Slowly, it all came back to him.

I intend to go get drunk until I can’t remember my name.

Oh, and they had. Derek remembered that clearly. Cindy had been pretty beaten up last night, and he vaguely recalled some chivalrous instinct his mother had glued to him urging him to make sure she’d be fine. Okay, so he didn’t stand her guts and he enjoyed the hell out of making fun of her with Ray. But he’d known this girl for half his life now. They’d had classes together and he’d copied on tests from her and she’d let him borrow his notes every single time when he’d been too hungover to show up at school. And not that he’d ever admit it to anyone else, but before she’d developed that embarrassing crush on Ray, Derek had had a little crush on her himself. I mean, it would’ve been impossible not to. Cindy Bennett had been the queen of their high school.

But things had changed and this wasn’t high school anymore. And Cindy had gone from high school bee-queen to psychotic stalker. And seeing her like that last night, so broken and vulnerable, Derek felt bad for her. He couldn’t let himself shrug it off and read about some random girl dying from alcohol poisoning the next day in the morning paper.

Cindy, wait up.

From there, it all became a haze. He remembered bits and pieces, and some vague story about Ray and his new girlfriend, which he now recalled he’d have to interrogate Ray about, and about how she should’ve read the signs long ago, which sounded more than obvious to Derek, but he kept listening. And still, how the hell had he ended up sharing a bed with Cindy Bennett? And getting to the morning after. Derek never stuck around for the morning after.

“Maybe you should go a little easier on tequila, don’t you think?” Derek suggested, after seeing Cindy chug down her fifth shot.

She looked at him like this was the most absurd thing she’d ever heard.

“No,” she replied simply, then proceeded to order herself two more shots. Derek rolled his eyes at thinking how utterly useless he was being, considering he’d come along to stop her from doing something stupid, and still, there he was, supervising her in the process of doing the stupid thing.

Cindy surprised him by placing the second shot in his hand.

“I think at least one of us needs to be sober right now, Cindy,” he raised an eyebrow at her, and she scowled.

“Yeah, right. I hate drinking alone, so bottoms up, McCarter. I’m sad, and watching you babysit me is even sadder. We don’t even like each other.”

Derek rolled his eyes and chugged down the shot, glaring at Cindy.

“So you don’t like me, huh?” he retorted, and Cindy huffed.

“Please. I know how guys are. I bet you and Ray have a good laugh as soon as I’m out the door.”

Derek remained silent for a second before their next drinks arrived and as soon as those were down as well, he spoke again.

“Then how come you still do it every week?” he asked her. “Show up, I mean. From what you say, you’ve got the message loud and clear. Why keep making a fool of yourself?”

Cindy pursed her lips and for a second, Derek regretted having asked her that, thinking he might’ve hurt her feelings even more. But eventually, she smiled sadly as she drunk a shot he’d lost count of, so he mimicked the action as he waited for her answer.

“Because,” she replied eventually. “I never had anything of my own. And I never wanted anything for myself. At all. And feeling the way I feel about Ray, it kinda feels unfair that I’m denied the one thing I want for myself.”

Derek frowned at her words, and maybe he would’ve normally dropped it, since he wasn’t that good at listening to women bitch on and on about their problems, but there was enough alcohol in his system and enough curiosity in him to inquire about it.

 “What do you mean, never had anything of your own or wanted anything for yourself?”

Cindy pursed her lips and smiled that sad smile again, before doing something that took Derek aback. She winked at him.

“I’m not drunk enough to start sharing personal emotional stories from my past with Derek McCarter.”

Derek chuckled and drank another shot, then winked back at her. “Yet,” he said, and it was her turn to chuckle. But then he turned serious and looked straight into her eyes for maybe what was the first time ever. “And you’re wrong, you know.”

Cindy frowned. “About what?”

“About it not being fair that you’re denied the only thing you’ve ever wanted. That’s not how things work. If you’ve been denied this one thing, it means it was either the wrong thing to want and pin for, or there’s something better in stock for you.”

Cindy smiled a small smile, her eyes never leaving his. “You mean to tell me your best friend, high school valedictorian of our class, former math genius, current law graduate and hottest librarian alive, isn’t good enough for me?”

Derek laughed whole-heartedly, finally breaking eye contact.

“I would never,” he pointed a finger at her. “I’m just saying you need to break the chain, Cindy. Move on. You might be surprised by what’s coming at you next.”

Oh, boy, had he been right. Both of them had been surprised. Because next had ended up meaning Derek himself. And he knew for a fact none of them had seen or wanted this coming.

Cindy smiled tightly at him before turning her attention back to her shoes then getting up from the bed and grabbing her jacket from a nearby chair.

“I, umm,” she stammered. “I was hoping I’d be gone by the time you woke up.”

He frowned a little, and some new memories from last night fell into place, though he remembered next to nothing after that Dr. Phil talk they’d had. But there was just one feeling he couldn’t shake and it was weird as hell. Like a word stuck on the tip of his tongue. Something he couldn’t really put his finger on—

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, he remembered. Bits and pieces, but he remembered. To sum up, this might’ve been the best, craziest, hottest hook-up he’d ever had.

He got up in a sitting position and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Umm, you know,” he started, nearly wanting to slap himself hard across the face for how lame he sounded. “You, uh, you don’t have to go so soon. You could, umm, y-you know, stay a little more. We could go for a coffee, since, uh, my head is really spinning right now after how much I’ve had to drink last night.”

He forced a chuckle and she turned around while she was pulling her hair out of her jacket, the same tight smile glued to her face.

“Mine, too,” she replied. “But I should really go.”

“Yeah, but, umm, you know, we could—“

“Derek,” Cindy cut off his pathetic blabber. “I’m gonna go now, and hopefully, we’ll never have to talk about this again.”

Derek blinked at her, shocked. This was a new, surprising and unexpected position. He was usually the one delivering this speech while the girl asked him to stay. And he kinda sucked at it, but Cindy was brutal and on point. Had it been so bad for her? It couldn’t have. Because Derek had had the time of his life, and that was the little he remembered of it. She’d blown his freaking mind out. She can’t have had such a bad time.

“B-But—But this was surprisingly fun,” he tried again, but she stood her ground.

“Derek,” she snarled again. “You’re Ray’s best friend. I slept with his best friend. How cliché is that? If I stood no chance before, now it’s all gone. So as soon as I can move on with my life now, the better. Goodbye, Derek.”

She didn’t wait for his answer as she turned on her heels and disappeared out the door, leaving him gaping naked in his bed, thinking about the best and worst hook-up in his entire existence.

 

***

 

“So, this is the lion’s den,” Sky mused, looking around Ray’s apartment. “Well, not den. More like, Ray of Sunshine, origins.”

Ray chuckled and dropped his keys on the counter, feeling oddly self-conscious.

He didn’t trust her enough to let her out of his sight now that she’d sort of agreed to stay and stop running away from him. So, as soon as Ray closed the library, they had a long, nice, hand-in-hand walk, talking and laughing, and Ray didn’t hesitate a heartbeat before asking her to come back at his place for a cup of coffee when it started getting chilly outside.

Coming upstairs for a cup of coffee is dumbass code for hooking up, Raymond. Wake up and smell the roses, moron.

Ray shut out Derek’s voice in his head and focused on the beautiful girl standing in the middle of his living room, looking at him expectantly, a wicked smile playing on her lips.

“You bring a lot of girls in your den, Mr. Sunshine?” she asked playfully, and Ray rolled his eyes at the silly nickname.

“In perfect honesty, you’re the first girl I’ve ever brought here. I’m the keeping-to-himself kind of guy, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Sky chuckled. “Oh, I’ve noticed,” she said, and then she threw herself on the couch, looking at him all flirty through her lashes, making his breath catch in his throat. “So I’m the first girl you’ve brought home. I like that thought, yes. Come on, Ray of Sunshine, do your best. Seduce me.”

He gulped against the lump in his throat and tried to get a hold of himself, which proved to be absurdly difficult with her looking at him like that. Like she knew all the secrets of the world and yet she was content with stopping the sand from sliding through an hourglass glued to the table with the sheer force of the gravity that the weight of her gaze provided.

He sat next to her and took her hand in his, bringing it to his lips and kissing every knuckle and tracing the lines of her thin, delicate fingers, and he took his time with it, watching the sly look in her eyes soften up, turning into molten lapis lazuli, staring deep into his soul like she couldn’t figure him out. And Ray didn’t feel like there was too much to him to figure out. He was simple, and he was human. And she was storm and fire and a cloudless sky captivated by the aimless flight of a dizzy bird.

Ray leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on her lips, keeping his mouth close to hers as he spoke.

“You’re not one to be seduced, Sky. I don’t wanna seduce you. I wanna cherish you.”

She let out a breath and brought his hand up to touch his cheek so gently, so softly it physically pained Ray to be all so teased by the feeling of her skin against his. He closed his eyes for a second and allowed himself to simply enjoy it, but when he opened it he found Sky studying him with a sad look on her face.

“I’ve never been cherished,” she admitted, and Ray had the same liberating sinking feeling he had every time she decided to let him in on a little secret of the girl behind the mask. “Not once. I don’t know what that feels like. What love feels like. I’ve never been on a date or had someone sweep me off my feet. My heart has always been one steady bitch. Cherishing sounds nice, but idealistic and ghostly nonetheless.”

Ray stopped his every movement. This was the saddest thing he’d ever heard. He wanted to know more, to dig deeper, to get to the root of her insecurities so that he could kiss them all away, but he was torn between that and the reminder that pushing her might have meant losing her again, and for good. And having her around was all he wanted of her. So he settled for the next best thing. He resumed caressing her hands and kissed her forehead, then her every eye, and the corners of her eyes, and her cute, little, reddish nose, and placed about a dozen kiss on each cheek, then on the corners of her mouth, before finally capturing her lips in a kiss that consumed them both until they were breathless, foreheads leaning against each other.

“I will make you fall in love with me,” Ray decided and promised her, without thinking twice before speaking and not regretting a second of it.

Sky shook her head slightly and smiled sadly. “Ray—“

“No,” he cut her off. “Don’t talk. Just listen. I will cherish you. And tomorrow, I will take you on your first real date. Our first real date. And I promise you, Sky, I will sweep you off your feet so badly. Since I met you, you’ve been breaking me, tearing me apart piece by piece. I will show you how well our pieces fit together. I will make your heart race. I will make you fall in love with me.”

Sky blinked for a few seconds and Ray could see it in her eyes, could read it all over her that she wanted to argue with it, but her body told him she wanted to believe it. She clung to him, and she breathed him in, and her skin tingled against his and Ray knew he’d broken through her first wall and that she was granting him access to keep trying with the rest of them.

“Okay,” she spoke eventually. “Do your best, Ray of Sunshine. Lead the way.”

She smiled widely at him and Ray recognized his own words from earlier, at the library, and from their first night, when he’d followed her in the rain. So he followed the script.

“All in?” he asked, and she chuckled a little as she bit his lip, kissed him deeply, then brought her lips to his ear and replied, making him shudder with every fiber in his body.

“All in.”

9: Chapter 8: Sweater weather

CHAPTER 8 – SWEATER WEATHER

“You slept with Cindy?” Ray shrieked in the phone and regretted it the second his head started pounding again. He opened the drawer and looked for some more aspirin as he tried to process the information Derek was throwing at him.

He could basically hear Derek scowling at the other side of the line.

“I wouldn’t technically say—“ he tried to defend himself, but Ray cut him off.

“Cut the crap, Derek. This isn’t about technicalities. Out of all the available chicks in Seattle, even those who aren’t available, because it’s not like that’s ever stopped you before, you hook up with Cindy?”

Derek huffed and Ray knew his best friend well enough to understand he was trying to tiptoe his way around the topic.

“Like that’s the gossip of the week,” he argued. “Tell me, Raymond, when were you going to mention meeting up with your mystery lady? What was her name again, Sky?”

Ray sighed. “Now you’re just trying to distract me from the fact that you, Derek McCarter, hooked up with none other than Cindy Bennett.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Derek tried again to switch the topic. “So, about your girl—“

“Derek,” Ray snapped, and he heard his friend give in.

“Raymond, there’s nothing to tell. We had a lot to drink, which wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t left the library crying and deadly determined to drink you away, I hardly remember anything except for the wham bam, thank you ma’am part, which happened to be shockingly fun, and we agreed to never mention it again.”

Ray was silent for a few seconds. “Yeah. That makes sense.”  None of them spoke for a few more moments, when Derek’s words finally sank in. “Wait. Cindy was crying when she left the library?”

“Yeah,” Derek replied. “So, about your girl—“

“I had no idea,” Ray whispered, feeling guilty. “Sky was just messing with her. We didn’t know she was so affected by it. I’m gonna have to apologize.”

“Well, she was,” Derek said, and Ray was a little taken aback by how protective he sounded. “You guys messed her up pretty well. And I don’t think you’ll get the chance to apologize, because I doubt she plans on making another appearance at the library any time soon after all that happened yesterday. So, now, Raymond, can we please move on to your girl?”

Ray sighed and chugged down another aspirin, blaming any gods in any kind of mythology ever existent for every minute he’d spent in the cold rain these past weeks. It was only a matter of time until he’d catch a cold, but he’d caught it at the worst time possible.

“She showed up yesterday, she agreed to stick around and I was supposed to take her out today,” Ray spoke nasally. “Which I won’t be able to do, because I’m dead sick and I took like a dozen dozens aspirins and drank like a barrel of tea and have been eating soup all day long and I’m just getting worse. I can barely stand. And it hasn’t even occurred to me to ask for her number and now she’ll just think I stood her up.”

He finished his rattle with a loud sneeze and he heard Derek clicking his tongue.

“Raymond. A man loves his woman every day of the month.”

Ray wrinkled his nose and shuddered at the expression. “Derek, I don’t think this applies to either men or common colds.”

His friend paused for a second. “Doesn’t it?”

Ray rolled his eyes. “No, it doesn’t. You’re hopeless. Listen, I gotta go. I’ll just take a hot shower and figure out a way to find Sky and let her know I haven’t stood her up. I can’t have come this far with her actually agreeing to give me a shot just for some stupid cold to screw everything up.”

“Kay, mate,” Derek replied. “See ya tomorrow.”

Ray blinked for a few seconds, but didn’t hang up. “What, no excruciatingly graphic details about whatever crazy date you’ve got going tonight?”

Derek was silent at first, and Ray thought he’d hung up, but then he spoke, serious enough for Ray to be concerned.

“Nah. I’m not going out tonight.”

Before Ray could get a chance to tease him about it, Derek hung up and Ray blinked at the phone a few times. What the hell had gotten into him? Was this about Cindy? Oh, God. Had Cindy broken Derek? Ray knew he should’ve written a list of instructions on how to handle Derek and glued it to his face. He chuckled a little at the idea, and then told himself this was Derek McCarter he was talking about. However traumatic had the experience with Cindy been, he’d get over it at the sight of the first pair of fine breasts.

He sneezed again and threw another tissue in the ever-growing pile of tissues now staring dramatically at him from the corner of his bedroom. He groaned and rolled to one side. He felt like crawling out of his skin, and it was only partially because of this agonizing feeling he couldn’t breathe throw his stuffed nostrils or because of his runny nose that was so red it made him look like a rain deer of Santa Claus. No, this was about Sky.

He had it all planned. He’d take her to his favorite restaurant, where he’d made reservations the second she’d been out the door yesterday. They’d have a long, nice talk and maybe he’d subtly get her to open up about herself a little. No pressure. And then they’d walk hand in hand just like that first night and he’d take her back to docks for a light picnic under the moonlight. Except this morning, when he’d woken up and was about to go to the supermarket to buy everything he needed for his miracle picnic, he realized his whole body ached and there was this dull pain just behind his eyes and he felt mildly feverish. By the time he got to his first cup of tea and the first handful of aspirins, it already got the best of him and had him tied to the bed.

He threw a pillow over his face and groaned again loudly. He was so sure this time he was losing Sky for good. No girl with a shred of decency would agree to a date with a guy who stood them up for the first one. And it was December, Ray could bet Sky would be beyond furious after having waited for God knows how long in the winter cold. Oh boy, he’d blown it, he’d blown it all and he’d blown it bad. And he was in as much pain physically as he was emotionally.

Cursing at himself and at the rain and at the Seattle climate and at the seasons and at his imbecile weak immune system, he eventually drifted off to sleep. He’d slept a lot today, but he was exhausted and he’d eaten so much soup and had drunk so much tea, he could hardly stomach anything else.

He was in that state between awake and asleep when you’re vaguely aware of your surroundings and you can slowly feel yourself falling asleep and getting to enjoy the hell out of it, when he heard a knock on the front door. He groaned and rolled to his back, rubbing his face annoyed.

Derek. Freaking Derek. I am going to break his kneecaps.

He considered sitting still and waiting until he eventually went away, because he was really not in the mood to listen to Derek rant off about some random chick or about some date his charm had gotten him at the last minute, or worse, about Cindy. But after a while, the knocking became frantic and it was clear that he wasn’t going away. Yeah, Ray told himself. He was definitely breaking Derek’s kneecaps today. And then he’d sneeze over him. Yeah, let him suffer a little, too.

Ray stood up and blew his nose once more, looking like a full-time Rudolph, ran a hand through his hair, not caring that it looked like some big bird had a nest up there, and threw a blanket over his shoulders. He made his way through the door, sighing at Derek’s insistent knocking that was started to get on his nerves.

“Jesus Christ, I’m coming, you asshole,” Ray yelled nasally, grabbing his keys from the counter and opening the door.

He blinked once. Twice. His heart stopped. Then it made a lame attempt to restart itself, barely managing to control its frantic pace.

“Oh,” was all he could mutter, and although he’d later feel like slapping himself for it, his first instinct was to smooth down his crazy hair.

Because in front of him stood none other than Sky, a furious expression on her face that Ray had fully anticipated, her arms crossed over her chest and her red lips pressed together in a tight line. There was a cute crease between her eyebrows that he would’ve likely felt the need to kiss away under different circumstances, but truth be told, he was a little scared of her right now.

He gulped helplessly.

“You stood me up,” she spoke sharply, articulate, and mad as can be.

Ray sneezed again and clutched the blanked tighter around him. “Did not.”

Sky raised an eyebrow at him, seeming to piece it together, but stood her ground nonetheless.

“I waited for you for 45 minutes. And it’s snowing.”

Ray turned around slightly to look on the window and did catch glimpse of tiny dense snowflakes dancing their way to the ground, and then faced her again, hoping he managed to look manly enough for this conversation, even though he was a walking mess and his knees were kinda bailing on him.

“Yes, umm, it seems so,” he babbled. “And I’m sorry, Sky, I’m really sorry. But I feel like crap and I woke up this morning with the worst cold of my life and I didn’t know how to let you know I couldn’t make it. So yeah, maybe I did stand you up, but I’m sorry.”

He ran out of air by the time he finished his speech, seeing as he couldn’t breathe through his nose, so as soon as the last words left his mouth, he was seized with a fit of coughing so bad he thought he’d cough his lungs out. Dear Lord, he was a wreck.

Sky let her arms drop and narrowed her eyes at him, watching him expectantly for a few seconds.

“You’re sick,” she spoke eventually, and Ray rolled his eyes.

“The theory did cross my mind,” he mocked. “Thank you for pointing it out.”

Sky glared and Ray smiled sheepishly, thanking the same gods he’d cursed for the past 12 hours that this wasn’t entirely screwed up. He should’ve known better. Sky wasn’t the girl who’d sulk and act like being stood up was just as bad as being left at the altar, or the kind of the girl who’d walk out on him and never be seen again. No, Sky was the kind of girl who showed up at his door and demanded explanations.

She stepped forward and raised her hand, and for the briefest of seconds, Ray thought she’d be the first chick to ever slap him. He mentally chuckled a little at the thought, but instead of that, Sky gently placed the back of her hand of his forehead, her eyes never leaving his.

“Okay,” she said and let her hand drop. “Back to bed.”

Ray blinked, thinking he’d heard her wrong, so he just stood there gaping like an idiot. “What?”

“Back to bed. You’re burning up and clearly you can barely stand. Go back to bed and I’ll get you a cup of tea.”

“What?” Ray repeated dumbly, unable to wrap his head around what she was suggesting.

Sky sighed and took a few steps forward, closing the door behind her.

“You’re sick,” she spoke slowly, smiling half a smile. “And I’m gonna take care of you. Since you’ve done a shitty job yourself, as far as I can see.”

Ray rolled his eyes at her remark, but he was beaming inside at the idea. What the hell was this girl even made of? His wildest dreams couldn’t have fathomed someone like this girl even existed, let alone the utterly absurd possibility that he could ever have her standing in the middle of his living room, offering to pamper him back to health. His wildest dreams had been drawn to silence the minute she’d waltzed into his life and designed a small corner of a materialized surreality.

He was watching her mesmerized and she was watching him back expectantly, challengingly, when her words fully registered and Ray groaned.

“No more tea,” he begged. “I’ve had so much tea, I think if I ever see a cup of tea again, I will go out of my freaking mind.”

Sky rolled her eyes and chuckled lightly, making Ray’s heart grow in size and capacity of withholding and digesting every raw emotion he was coming up with at her very sight.

“Not this kind of tea,” she replied. “This one’s my miracle cure for any kind of cold. Trust me, you’ll be on your feet in no time.” She noticed he was still standing there reluctantly, looking at her skeptically, like he didn’t know what to make of all this. “Get into bed, Ray of Sunshine,” she ordered eventually, and he smiled dumbly at her before wiggling his eyebrows in a boyish way that cracked her up.

However, he obeyed and turned on his heels, heading to his bedroom, when he heard Sky’s voice behind him.

“What’s this?”

Ray didn’t turn right away, his eyes widening in shock first and then closing in a silent prayer that this wasn’t what he thought it was and that he hadn’t been stupid enough to leave it in the kitchen, just like that. But then he turned slowly and resumed his earlier silent cursing as his head started spinning.

Because Sky was holding a rose, looking at it curiously.

A blue rose. Sky-ish blue, to be precise.

Oh yeah, he’d definitely been stupid enough to leave it there. He cleared his voice.

“I-It’s a rose,” he spoke lamely, and Sky glared.

“The theory did cross my mind, thanks for pointing it out, Captain Obvious,” Sky quoted his words from earlier and maybe Ray would’ve chuckled, hadn’t he been so mortified. “But why is it blue?”

Ray groaned and hid his face under the blanket he still held around his shoulders, so damn sure he was red to the tips of his ears.

“It was supposed to be for you,” he admitted, finally mustering up the courage to look her in the face.

Sky’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Lovely,” she said flatly. “But why is it blue, again?”

Ray sighed and rubbed his eyes with his palms.

“I painted it,” he blurted out. “I didn’t want to give you some plain flower because you deserve more. So I may have… painted its petals blue?”

Sky eyed the rose with wide eyes and walked with small steps until she stood in front of him, blinking.

“Why blue, though?” she whispered.

Ray smiled coyly. “Because of your eyes, Sky. It’s the same color as your eyes. Same color as the summer sky. Thought it would be obvious.”

She stayed silent for a few minutes, barely touching the rose with her fingertips, afraid it might turn to dust in her hands, and her lower lip was shaking slightly and she couldn’t look Ray in the eye and the bastard was so proud of himself for having been able to catch her off guard like that.

“Oh,” was all she could mutter, and Ray’s smile widened.

He covered her tiny, soft hands with his and that’s when she finally raised her gaze to meet his and once more, taking them both aback like every single time it happened because it was unlikely that they’d ever get used to it, their eyes meeting felt like an ocean staring deep into the heart of the spring forest in the morning.

“I want to make good on my promise to sweep you off your feet, so I had this great date planned,” he admitted in a small voice. “And I had the moment in which I’d give you this entirely figured out. I wanted everything to go perfectly. Guess it just didn’t.”

Sky gave a breathless laugh. “Except it did,” she whispered. “Ray, it is perfect. I don’t care whatever plans you had figured out. This is still the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Ray was smiling so wide his jaw hurt and he just drew his knuckles across her cheek, his touch light as a feather. Sky laughed dizzily and looked to the ceiling to conceal the fact that the corners of her eyes were a little teary.

“Okay, off you go, Ray of Sunshine,” she hushed him away. “Let’s get you better.”

She turned around inside the kitchen and started looking for what she needed for the tea, and Ray stood dumbstruck for a second, just looking at her.

“You already have,” he muttered under his breath, knowing she couldn’t hear him.

And he turned around his heels and walked to his bedroom, thinking about how he indeed intended to make good on his promise to make her fall in love with him. But with every step he took her closer to that, every little thing that led him to that conclusion, he was the one that feel deeper and deeper and hopelessly in love with her.

 

Hey, guys! There you go, chapter 8, in three days from having updated, because it turned out I was on a roll. And I loved so much writing this chapter. Plus, consider it a pre-Christmas gift, considering I might not be able to update just as often now that finals are coming.

Anyway, for those of you wondering if I have any face claims for my characters, there you go:
Sky-Ashley Benson (like, seriously, have you guys seen that chick’s eyes?)
Ray-Grant Gustin (bae!!)
Derek-Dylan O’Brien
Cindy-Karen Gillan (her hair’s not curly, but it’s red and she’s super hotm heheh)

There’s also some fan-made (not entirely fan-made, since I made them) videos in YouTube with Sky and Ray, if you’re curious. I’d paste some links here, but I think there’s a policy that doesn’t allow me to, so you can find the links to the videos on my profile.

Let me know what you think! Love me some feedback.

Lots of love, xoxo

10: Chapter 9: The art of freefalling

CHAPTER 9 – THE ART OF FREEFALLING

A smile.

“This tastes awful,” Ray groaned after the first sip of Sky’s miracle tea, and she glared at him and prompted him to keep drinking.

“It’s not supposed to taste good, you silly Ray of Sunshine, it’s supposed to cure you. And you still owe me a date, you know.”

He smiled coyly and took another sip, trying hard not to grimace so that he wouldn’t hurt her feelings.

“I know,” he answered. “And I’ll make it up to you as soon as I get on my feet.”

She looked at him with that mischievous look in her eyes he’d come to recognize, the one that hinted that she was up to no good, the one that confirmed she was going to raise the stakes once more and challenge him. And man, did he love it.

Her lips curved into a bright, sly smile and Ray waited for the blow.

But so much more.

“Who said anything about you being on your feet?” she asked, and Ray pursed his lips.

“You’re going to need better choices of words, because I grew up with Derek and I’m trying very hard not to be the perv Derek’s turned me into and to stop myself from giggling like a fifth grader who first heard the word ‘boobs’.”

Sky threw her head back laughing, shaking her head slightly at him.

A lot more.

“You dork,” she bumped his shoulder slightly, still chuckling. “No, dumbass. I was talking about you keeping your word about that date right now.”

Ray wrinkled his nose. “That’s a great idea, but your tea is not that miraculous. I still don’t feel well enough to go out right now. But I promise, as soon as—“

“Ray,” she rolled her eyes. “Stop talking.”

He did as told and raised his eyebrows questioningly, watching her as she leaned forward to grab his phone from his nightstand and scrolled down for a while, before dialing a number and holding the phone to her ear, smiling daringly at him.

“Sorry, Derek, it’s not Ray,” she spoke after a while, making Ray’s eyes widen in shock. “Guess again.” A small pause, waiting for Derek to reply. “Yes. That would be me.”

It was everything about her.

“No, Ray’s still down with the flu,” she spoke, smiling at something Derek had said that Ray was probably better off not knowing. “But listen, I need a favor. Can you stop by that Thai restaurant on Roy Street and grab us some food? And a bottle of some fine wine, while you’re at it. Perfect. Yeah. Thanks. See you soon.”

She hung up the phone and turned to Ray, who was gaping at her like she’d grown extra ears. She shrugged nonchalantly, with that easiness with which women hold themselves in the day to day life, harmonized with her own halo of grace and sass and delicacy and strength that made her the way she was.

It was the way how, instead of being a page in Ray’s book, she just took the pen from his hand and started writing it herself.

“What?” she chuckled at him as he kept staring, with that knowing glow all over her, like she was just playing him back and forth and they were both aware of it.

“I’m processing,” Ray mocked her, never breaking her stare, and they just sat there, glaring at each other, until Ray finally rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “I guess you’re dead set on having that date one way or the other.”

“Dead set,” she confirmed, placing a fast kiss on his cheek that threw Ray fifteen feet over the edge.

She ended up turning herself into Ray’s book. She became his own personal novel. Fifteen feet over the edge. Except she was the edge, the leap, the fall, the rock bottom.

“You’re hot, I’ll give Ray that much,” Derek commented when he dropped up the food and the wine, smiling dumbly, and winking at Sky.

“I heard that, you asshole,” Ray shouted from the bedroom and Sky laughed.

“Thank you. And thanks for running the errand. I’d invite you in for a glass of wine, but—“

She shrugged playfully and Derek leaned in a little, close enough to fake-whisper and loud enough for Ray to hear.

“But you’re gonna get it on.”

Sky burst into laughter, and they could basically hear Ray groan from the other room. “Dude!”

Sky leaned in as well and whispered back, this time too low for Ray’s ears. “Most likely.”

Derek stifled a laugh of his own and he and Sky had those playful sparks in their eyes, sharing a joke, and they instantly knew they’d get along. Eventually, Derek winked and stepped backwards, turning to leave.

“I should get going. Go easy on my guy, Sky, he’s a little… rusty.”

“I heard that!” they heard Ray shout once more from the bedroom and they both cracked.

“Bye, Derek,” Sky said between giggles.

“Bye, Sky.”

It took one night.

“I don’t know what the hell was in that tea, but I feel a whole lot better,” Ray spoke over a mouthful of Thai food and it tickled Sky’s senses to see him so laid back, so relaxed, so himself compared to the stick-up-his-ass Ray Cartwright the world knew him as.

“It’s a secret recipe, Ray of Sunshine,” she flicked his nose, and he glared. “You don’t expect me to give away all my secrets after one night, do you?”

He stopped chewing and looked at her with a mixture of curiosity and longing and a few drops of regret, and she knew how deep that sentence cut, but said nothing else and smiled at him to let him know it was a joke.

“I guess I don’t,” he replied in a small voice after a second, and returned her smile sheepishly.

Hell, maybe less than that.

“I’m sorry if this wasn’t enough,” Ray spoke after a few minutes of light silence.

“What?” Sky frowned at him. They were sitting on the floor of his living room, Ray with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, their backs against the couch and Thai leftovers between them.

“This. The date I was supposed to take you on. It was supposed to be the real deal, you know. The kind of date you see in movies, with small talk and hand holding and kissing you good night. I wanted to start over and do this the right way. I did promise you first date material.”

Maybe all it took was that first kiss.

She rolled her eyes and closed the distance between them to capture his lips in a kiss worth over a thousand words. Ray gasped but kissed her back nonetheless, burying his hands in her hair and enjoying the taste of her lips like he could just kiss her for the rest of his life and still, constantly discover more senses to be lit up by the feeling of her mouth on his. They broke the kiss seconds later, gasping for air and smiling dumbly at each other, eyes closed, her hands gripping his collar tightly.

“Whatever definition of ‘first date material’ you’ve managed to come up with,” she spoke breathlessly. “This was so much more, Ray of Sunshine. It was something I never had. And it was perfect, because I had it with you.”

Maybe all it took was the way she had with words that knew exactly what buttons to push.

Ray smiled dumbly at her.

“Are you even real?” he asked despite himself.

Sky chuckled and looked at him confused. “What do you mean?”

“Are you real?” Ray repeated. “I keep thinking I may have made you up. You might as well be a ghost, or a phantom, or some fragment of a wild fantasy of mine, which might get crazy wild, if that’s the case.” Sky laughed at the joke, and Ray chuckled a little, too, and then he kept speaking. “It seems real. It feels real. But I’m scared that at some point, I’ll blink and you’ll be gone and I’ll have realized I had made you up inside my head.”

But whatever it was…

Her smile faded and her features were crossed by an intensity that fazed Ray, a seriousness in her blue eyes that made them look clouded, a tight line of her lips and a tension in her jaw that made him wonder if this was the moment in which he’d be slapped back into a reality in which she wasn’t real. Because if this was truly a dream, waking up was no longer an option.

It was a beautiful nightmare.

But then she took his face in her hands and kissed him slowly, deeply, intensely, no longer urgent and passionate, but soft and gentle, their lips doing one of those medieval dances when the couple isn’t allowed but the lightest touch, skin hardly brushing against skin, in a teasing, promising, intimate choreography.

And when she broke the kiss, Ray couldn’t help but gasp a little, still a thousand questions on his mind, but having the answer sitting right in front of his eyes.

 But as he held her all night long in his arms, tangled up in between the sheets, as she kissed away his every doubt and as he kissed away her every insecurity, Ray took the leap and he just knew.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” Ray kissed his way down from her temple to the smooth skin of her shoulders. “I gotta get to work.”

Sky groaned and rolled over, burying her face in the pillow. “But it’s so early.”

Ray chuckled and buried his nose in the crook of her neck, and she purred like a kitten, leaning into his touch.

“I know,” he whispered against her skin. “But some of us need to work.”

He knew that, regardless of his promise to get her to fall for him….

“But it’s literally the crack of dawn,” she groaned once more, but he could tell she was pretty much awake by now.

“Yes, I am aware,” he replied. “And if I knew what you do for a living, maybe I wouldn’t just sit here wondering why I’m the only one who has to go to work while you get to sleep in.”

She chuckled and turned around in his arms so that she could place a small kiss on his lips.

“Silly Ray of Sunshine,” she spoke against his lips.

…he knew he was freefalling his was through loving Sky.

“I incite storms for a living.”

 

***

 

Derek was sitting in his bed that morning, remembering his encounter with Raymond’s Sky. Derek chuckled to himself. Yeah, in the most literal way, because that girl was truly the impersonation of the sky, of a storm or stuff like that. And man, while the upper pair of eyes was of little interest to him usually, he couldn’t help but notice that she had the prettiest blue eyes he’d ever seen.

Derek sighed. Ever since he’d met her and they’d pretty much hit it off, ever since he got a glimpse of this thing she and Ray had, Derek had had the weirdest feeling.

He was a little jealous. Just a little. An insignificant amount. A teensy teeny tiny bit. Hardly worth mentioning, really.

But he was truly a little jealous of this thing of theirs. Ray’s short history with Sky was the kind of thing you see in movies. Meeting, the whole mystery of it, making out in the rain, chasing her down the streets, the whole bus moment, her showing up at the library like that and now, she was taking care of him when he was sick. And a romantic Thai dinner. Lucky bastard, that Raymond of his.

And it started to dawn on Derek that he was unlikely to have that. No one had ever taught him how to be like that with a girl. He’d grown up with three older brothers who used to be headquarters in high school and had so many girls throwing themselves at them, they’d practically taught Derek for his whole life that the right way to treat a girl, the only way to treat a girl, really, was the ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ policy. So Derek had looked up to his big brothers and had followed in their footsteps, and while they were now married, all three of them, none of them had bothered to tell Derek how to get out of the vicious cycle he was in. And he didn’t know any other way. He didn’t know how to talk to girls unless he was hitting on them.

But he wanted that. That girl movie thing, he wanted to be able to do that. But he didn’t know how, and he was now 25 and had never had an actual girlfriend for more than 6 days straight, but his phone was full of booty call numbers.

He huffed and grabbed his phone, scrolling through the list. Screw this. He was Derek McCarter. He didn’t need chick lit movie moments when he had booty calls. Besides, it wasn’t like the love of his life would simply knock on his door and they’d live happily ever after.

He found the number of a girl called Amanda that he remembered he’d hooked up with months ago and she’d been pretty decent, so he was about to give her a ring for a rematch, when he heard a knock on the door.

He blinked for a few seconds when he remembered his thoughts from earlier, thinking that if this was Raymond, he’d have to propose under the pretext of him being the love of his life knocking on his door.

He got up from the bed, still chuckling a little, and opened the door. And that’s when his smile fell.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, hell no.

He gulped.

“Cindy,” he choked a little. “What are you doing here?”

Cindy stood in the doorway, her hands hidden under the coat in her arms, looking like this was the last place on earth where she wanted to be, blushing to the tips of her ears.

“I, umm,” she began then she cleared her throat. “I forgot my, umm, something here the other day. I mean, umm, night. Morning. Yeah. I forgot something here the other morning when I left. In a hurry. I was in a hurry, so I forgot the, umm, something.”

She was fully stammering her way through this conversation, and Derek was having a hard time wrapping his head around what she was saying, focusing more on the fact that she was standing in his doorway. Oh boy. He was losing track of all the profanities going through his head right now.

“What?” he managed to mumble dumbly, and Cindy sighed, getting herself together.

“I forgot something here. A piece of paper. A very important piece of paper. Therefore, I came here to retrieve it.”

Derek blinked. Simply blinked. Was this really Cindy? Because these were some big, fancy words coming from the Cindy whose ‘Ray-Ray’ shriek had scratched his ears for years now.

“Umm, yeah,” he finally spoke, shaking his head and moving out of the way so that she could come in. “Yeah, come on in. I don’t remember seeing it, but let’s see if it’s around.”

She forced a shy smile and walked in with steady steps, the sound of her heels ringing through the apartment. Well, finally something annoying to remind him how he couldn’t stand her guts. But then she turned to him and it came back to him.

Shit.

There was still so many details, so many hot details about that night that kept coming back to him at random moments of the day. And as it turned out, it had been a long night and a wild night and having Cindy standing now before him only refreshed his memory.

“Stop looking at me like that,” she spoke sharply, fixating him with her gaze.

Derek rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “L-Like what?”

“Like you’re picturing me naked.”

Derek cleared his throat and he was pretty sure his whole face was red. Which didn’t normally happen to him. He wasn’t embarrassed by the fact that he was a total pig. Yeah, he’d accepted that long ago. But this was Cindy. Middle school Cindy. The one who’d occasionally offered him peanut butter cookies for years because she’d overheard him telling Ray how much he loved peanut butter cookies. The only one besides Ray in his whole class who’d never laughed at his stutter back when they were kids and he was being bullied about it. So yeah, their whole hook up situation was a little awkward.

“I kinda was,” he admitted without looking up to meet her scrutinizing gaze.

“Well, stop,” she snapped. “And help me look for that damned paper.”

Derek sighed, glad she’d dropped it and looked dumbly around.

“Well, what did it look like?” he questioned.

“It was a small piece of paper that had an address written on it,” Cindy said. “It must’ve fallen out of my pocket when I was, umm, getting dressed.”

“Oh,” was all Derek could say, but then the realization hit him and he slapped his forehead. “Oh my God, Cindy, I’m so sorry. I did find it yesterday when I got home and I didn’t know what it was so I threw it away. I’m awfully, terribly sorry.”

Cindy closed her eyes and groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“It’s okay,” she said. “You didn’t know.”

“Was it important?”

She sighed. “Yeah. It kinda was. Very important, actually.”

Derek pursed his lips and went on a hunch that he knew he’d end up regretting, but hey, guilt, especially that towards women, even towards those you strongly dislike, can be a strong, compelling feeling.

“I’ll tell you what,” he tried a sheepish smile. “Why don’t you tell me all about it over lunch? I feel really bad about it, screwing it up like that, so buying you lunch is the least I can do.”

She saw Cindy’s shoulders tense a little at the suggestion, and she pursed her lips.

“Derek, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

He forced a chuckle and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Come on, don’t be a buzz kill. Maybe I caught glimpse at the thing that was written on the paper and I’ll be able to dig up some of it, if it helps. Maybe we’ll even get rid of this awkward tension between us.”

He saw a small smile blossom on the corners of her lips and he tried once more.

“Come on. Maybe we’ll even find a place that sells peanut butter cookies, for old times’ sake.”

He instantly regretted having said that, because he wasn’t sure if Cindy remembered those little details about that weird small connection of theirs from back when they were kids. Or worse, maybe she did and she’d read too much into it. But then her shoulders relaxed and she did offer him that small smile that had been playing over her lips.

“Eh, what the hell.”

11: Chapter 10: All the small things

CHAPTER 10 – ALL THE SMALL THINGS

“Well, I guess peanut butter pancakes will do,” Derek commented awkwardly, and Cindy smiled a little and took a bite of her pancake.

“I didn’t think you remembered,” she raised an eyebrow at him, challenging, and he shrugged nonchalantly.

“Are you kidding me? Your mom made the best peanut butter cookies in the whole city. That’s the kind of thing that sticks with you throughout life.”

Cindy gave a light chuckle, soft and delicate, which took Derek a little aback. Now that he thought about it, he did remember Cindy as being all Princess Diana through high school, elegant and delicate. But time went by and that image of ‘Ray-Ray’s Cindy got into his head and now he sort of expected her to let out a snort or a loud nasal laugh, and instead, she chuckled like a kitten.

She purrs like one, too.

No. No. No. Bad brain. Bad brain, Derek thought. We’re supposed to get rid of the awkward tension. Not helping. Nope. Definitely not helping.

He cleared his throat.

“Does your mom still make those miracle cookies?” he asked as casually as he could.

“I’m afraid not,” she answered without batting an eyelash. “My mom died when I was a sophomore.”

Derek stopped chewing and stared at her helplessly.

“Oh,” he muttered dumbly. “I had no idea. I’m sorry. How could I have had no idea?”

Cindy shrugged like it was no big deal. “We’re not exactly friends, Derek. We weren’t back then, and we certainly aren’t at this point. But don’t sweat it. The only things I miss about my mom are those cookies.”

Derek swallowed hard and studied her for a moment. There had been a certain bitterness in her voice that sounded so intense it took him by surprise. All of a sudden, it became quite obvious that Cindy hadn’t had the happiest and easiest of lives back then.

“Oh,” he said again. “That’s—“

“None of your concern,” she cut him off sharply, and Derek found himself keeping his mouth shut. “Now, you said you might remember something about that address I need.”

He cleared his throat and scratched his head absent-mindedly.

“Yeah, I don’t know. I remember throwing it away, but I did catch a look on what was written there. There were, like, about a dozen complicated directions. I can jot down some of the bits I remember if you want me to.”

She shot him a small smile and pulled out a pen and a notebook from her purse, handing them to him.

“That would be great, thanks.”

“So, what’s this about anyway? What’s at that address that has you so worked up about?” Derek asked her as he scribbled some random names of streets on the paper.

“It’s an I.T. and tech enterprise. I have this huge interview tomorrow,” she answered, rubbing her temples in a gesture that showed she was clearly stressed out.

Derek stopped writing and looked at her.

“What, at this address? I mean, in this area?”

He turned the paper towards her to show her what he’d scribbled on it and Cindy just shrugged.

“I guess,” she replied, and Derek raised his eyebrows.

“Cindy, that’s one of the best I.T. firms in Seattle. I know exactly where the headquarters is.”

“You do?” she frowned.

“Of course. My dad used to work there before retiring. In fact, I could probably give you a lift to your interview tomorrow, if you want me to.”

Cindy blinked, surprised by his offer, and they sat in silence for a few seconds. Derek himself had been surprised to hear the words come out of his mouth. So what, were they BFF’s now? Why was he offering to play taxi driver for her? But then he remembered it was his fault she was in this mess, because he’d thrown away that piece of paper, so he felt like he kind of owed it to her to make up for it.

Eventually, Cindy nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.”

 

***

 

Ray spent the whole day at work being edgy and grumpy. The library had always been his happy place, the place he could go when he needed it most, the place that provided the safety and quiet for his mind. But right now, it was a place where he had to be for two more hours before heading home and that held his thoughts away from Sky.

He looked at the clock with hatred one more time. He could swear that thing was moving backwards now, because the hours spent at the library had never, not once, seemed so long.

He’d left Sky back in his apartment this morning, since he’d been unable to get her to leave the bed. But he trusted her enough to leave her a copy of his key and ask her to lock up when she decided to finally wake up. They hadn’t talked about when he’d see her next, but he also trusted her enough to show up again at some point.

He glared at the half-open book staring back at him from the counter, the one he’s started the night when he’d met Sky and from which he hadn’t been able to read a single page ever since. There had been no need for that. Books had always been his solace, small parts of never-ending universes that he could lose himself into and in which he’d scattered small bits of himself. But ever since that night, he found himself drained of that urge to open a book and get lost in it. Because Sky was an endless book written in bright blue ink, an open highway leading to nowhere, and Ray had never been more eager to hit a road filled with uncertainty. Because this whole thing could go all kinds of wrong. But damn, could it go all kinds of right.

He checked the clock again. One more hour. Just one more hour. He even wished Derek was here to mock him and pass the time, that’s how bored out of his mind he was. Now that he thought about it, Ray realized it was rather weird. Derek was always here to get on his nerves, every single day, with no exception, and they’d kinda made a habit out of heading home together. But this was the second day Derek didn’t show up without even making up some half-assed excuse for his sudden disappearance. He’d have to give him a call later to check up on him.

On that note, he was grateful at least one good thing had come out of Derek’s awfully bad decision to hook up with Cindy Bennett. She was gone, too. No more ear-piercing ‘Ray-Rays’, no more high heels breaking his silence, no more red curls to torment his nightmares. And maybe this had something to do with Sky having been so brutal the other day, even though she couldn’t have known the impact her little made-up story would have on Cindy. Either way, Cindy was gone and Ray’s peace was back.

Fifteen more minutes. Good God, finally.

“Hey, kid, you can head home if you wanna. I’ll wrap things up for tonight,” his boss patted him on his shoulder, bringing him out of his reverie, and Ray raised his eyebrows.

“Really?”

“Really. You’re always on time and working so hard, I think you’ve earned the right to ditch for these last fifteen minutes. Besides, you’ve been fussing all day. Your head’s clearly somewhere else.”

Ray scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Sorry about that, sir.”

“Yeah, don’t sweat it, kiddo. See you tomorrow.”

Ray grabbed his things and headed home, fantasizing about the next time when he’d see Sky. As he waited for the bus to arrive, his thoughts flew to that night when she’d approached him weeks ago, with her peach coat and her umbrella, walking steadily towards him, like she owned the rain, like there was some small part of herself in each droplet of rain that fell over Ray, kissing his cheeks, resting on his eyelashes, soothing his pouty lips. Ray wondered if their next encounter would be as breathtaking as all of their previous ones. But this was Sky. He trusted she’d show up again, blowing his mind and blinding his senses and stopping his heart and making him aware of every little string his soul was made of that she could play flawlessly. And then he’d have to pull himself together again and figure out a way to get under her skin the way he’d promised her he would, because wasn’t one to keep under lock and key. Sky was like the bird that willingly lands on your shoulder as if she’s chosen you. And thank the Lord, she’d chosen Ray. He just had to make her want to stay.

He stopped in front of his apartment door and pulled the keys out of his pocket, trying the lock. It didn’t work. Huh. This was odd. He tried again, but nothing happened. What the hell? Was his key broken or something? It occurred to him to try the door, pressed the doorknob and, to his surprise, the door opened. Okay, what the hell?

He walked inside his own apartment, his muscles tense in anticipation at going over the possibility that someone might have broken in. He looked around, but nothing seemed to be missing or misplaced. Now this was definitely weird.

Frowning, he walked inside the kitchen, and his muscles relaxed. He should’ve known better.

Yes, it was most definitely breathtaking. And it did blow his mind and blind his senses and stop his heart. Because right there, in his kitchen, on his counter, sat Sky, wearing nothing else but a wide smile and a white T-shirt of his, too large on her, but still revealing her long, milk-white legs. Ray took a sharp intake of breath, trying to wrap his mind around the facts and trying to let his body adjust to her presence.

At his sight, Sky rolled her eyes playfully, swinging those goddamn legs that made Ray’s head spin over the counter.

“About time, Ray of Sunshine,” she mocked. “Pizza was getting cold.”

Ray simply blinked at her. “Hi,” he said dumbly.

She jumped down from the counter and walked towards him like a cat, stopping right in front of him, but without touching him.

“Pizza?” he brought himself to raise an eyebrow.

Sky shrugged nonchalantly. “I was hungry.”

Ray sighed, but couldn’t help a smile from spreading wide across his lips.

“You’re not gonna offer an explanation for this, are you?” he shook his head, amused.

Sky rolled her eyes again. “As a matter of fact, Ray of Sunshine, you did give me a key, remember?”

“Right,” he replied. “I did. What I did not, however, was expect this. Did you even leave the apartment?”

Her lips curved upwards, and she finally wrapped her arms around his neck, whispering barely inches from his lips.

“Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t.”

Ray’s hands flew instinctively to her waist. “You and your schemes.”

She chuckled lightly, the sound of it like an anthem that he recognized to Ray’s ears, a sound he couldn’t get enough of, a first chord that she played on those strings of his. And he was in complete tune in her small hands.

“Come on, Ray of Sunshine,” she spoke after placing a small peck on his lips. “I’m starving. Where should we eat?”

“To be honest, I don’t even care,” Ray’s grip tightened on her waist. “For all I care, I’d never move from this place.”

To enhance his words, he simply pulled her down without losing his grip on her, until they were both sitting on the kitchen floor, their backs against the counter, fingers intertwined, simply bathing in each other’s presence. Ray wanted to tell her so many things. He wanted to let her know how he ached to decorate this apartment with her scent all over it, only so that he could breathe her in constantly and never lose that Sky feeling he had all over him when he was with her. He wanted to tell her she was like a song stuck into his head, a soothing melody loud enough to make any background noise die out. He wanted to tell her she was so beautiful, it struck him dumb. He wanted to tell everything. She wanted to tell him she was on the verge of dying from starvation.

She reached up and pulled the box of pizza from the counter and set it between them.

“Now if you don’t mind,” she spoke in a mocking tone. “Can we dig into this? I was not kidding about being deadly hungry.”

Ray chuckled and opened the box, taking a slice.

“Deadly hungry sounds scary,” he mocked her back. “You could’ve eaten without me, you know.”

“You kiddin’ me?” she said, her mouth full of pizza. “Pizza is best shared. And I never share food, Ray of Sunshine. This is as much trust as I can grant a human being.”

Ray tried to ignore her comment, considering this was too nice of a moment to ruin it with a reminder that she wasn’t trusting him with her identity, with her truths. But he really wanted to preserve this feeling, to freeze this evening in time, and he didn’t want it frozen as a fallout.

“So, tell me,” he spoke after a few seconds of eating silently and casually moaning at how good this pizza was. “What have you been doing all day?”

“Oh, you know,” her sly smile was back. “This and that. Ran some errands. Grabbed a pizza and came back to see you.”

“Wow,” Ray rolled his eyes. “Such a full day, and such a graphic description. I could barely keep up. Would you mind repeating?”

She laughed and bumped her shoulder into his.

“Dork,” she muttered. “What about you? How was your day?”

“Endlessly boring. I can’t seem to enjoy my time at the library as much lately. It’s not as satisfying. I think I’ve been wanting a little more than that for a while now, but then something came around and started distracting me, and it occurred to me it might really have ceased to be enough.”

Sky stopped chewing and looked at him pensively. Eventually, she resumed eating and smiled smugly.

“Gee. I wonder what could possibly be distracting you, having such a huge stick up your ass to focus on. I may or may have not considered the possibility that you’re a little wooden puppet I’m supposed to turn into a real boy.”

“At least my nose doesn’t grow when I lie,” he rolled his eyes at her reference. “And my distraction comes in many shapes and forms. For starters, it may or may have not materialized before my eyes as a long-legged beauty looking jaw-dropping hot in my T-shirt. Which, by the way, you can keep. Looks hotter on you than it ever would on me.”

Sky threw her head back laughing and leaned in to kiss his cheek, noticing with no small amount of smugness that his face was a little flushed, even though his gaze didn’t meet hers, the smallest of smiles glued to his lips. Sky was taken aback by how pure his heart was. He was passionate, a burning ember in every way, but there were times like this, when this overwhelming flame released small sparks, each of them carefully shaped and bright on their own, a beautiful and fascinating individuality of theirs as they danced within the same whole. Sky had become addicted to these little sparks. They made it so much easier for her to be enraptured by the flame itself.

“So, about that library thing,” she grew serious after a few more minutes of comfortable silence. “Since you’re not sure it’s enough for you anymore. Have you thought about pursuing that ‘more’ that you feel you could achieve? Maybe there’s more to it than long-legged beauties and being a librarian.”

Ray chuckled, but his heart grew a little at the thought of having her even the tiniest bit concerned about his own concerns.

“Me being a librarian was supposed to be temporary,” he said, but then thought it through and rephrased it. “It is temporary. I went to law school, and this is the carrier I’ve been dreaming about ever since I was a kid. But I’ve been applying for internships for months now, and I haven’t had any feedback so far.”

He was looking straight ahead, vaguely aware he’d kind of poured his soul into Sky’s lap, but if she minded, she didn’t say a word. Instead, she reached out and took his hand, giving it a light squeeze. Ray turned his head and saw that she was smiling brightly at him.

“Don’t be silly, Ray of Sunshine,” she spoke softly. “Life functions on a simple principle. If they know how much you value, they’ll take you in. If they don’t, find someone who does, because the last ones were probably just highly educated imbeciles anyway.”

Ray laughed whole-heartedly. Highly educated imbeciles. Good God, this woman.

“I guess you’re right,” he squeezed her hand back. “Thanks.”

She rolled her eyes playfully in a way that dismissed the whole thing as no big deal, and then she stood up, pulling him with her. And Ray told himself he was beyond lucky. Whatever was to come, this was good. Maybe the whole thing he had with Sky was weird and confusing and frustrating regarding him not knowing the first thing about her, but it was beautiful in its simplicity. He never thought he’d find such contempt in simply lying next to a girl in his kitchen, on the floor, eating pizza and just talking.

But he knew now. This was the whole essence of it.

 

Hey, you guys. I’m sorry this took a while to write, but I guess I kinda hit a wall for a while there. But I pulled through and put together a chapter, and I can’t wait to hear your opinions on it, so far!

Lots of love, xoxo

12: Chapter 11: Pink cardigans and lip gloss

CHAPTER 11 – PINK CARDIGANS AND LIP GLOSS

Derek pulled over in front of the building where Cindy lived, wondering what the fuck he was even doing there. He tapped the steering wheel as he was waiting for her, confused out of his mind. The sane thing to do would’ve been to give her those bits of the address he still remembered, let her deal with it herself and to never think about Cindy Bennett and this weird thing going on between them ever again. But no, count on Derek to deviate from the sane ways of the world. In fact, he’d pretty much avoided Ray for these past couple days on accounts of being scolded regarding this matter, had he met up with his extremely judgmental best friend.

And yet, here he was. He tried to talk himself out of thinking this was too crazy of an idea. After all, he’d known this girl for years. He was doing her a friendly favor. Sure, they weren’t exactly on friendly terms, but those were mainly technicalities. Derek sighed and told himself to stop bitching around like a little girl.

He checked his watch and considered leaving in five minutes if she didn’t show up, but then he realized he would be kind of a complete asshole if he did that. He sighed again and turned his head slightly, just to notice Cindy walking out of her building. Her hair was straight for a change, her ever-present high heels resonating on the pavement, and she was wearing a fluffy pink cardigan. Which was very, very fluffy. And very pink. Derek turned around and muttered a ‘Jesus Christ’ under his breath and rolled his eyes before she got in his car.

“Hi,” she greeted as soon as she got in the passenger’s seat, flashing a sharp smile in Derek’s direction.

“Morning,” he said, and started the engine of the car, getting it to move and heading in the direction of the firm. And then, because he couldn’t help himself, he pointed at her really pink and really fluffy cardigan. “Isn’t that a little, umm, ostentatious for a job interview?”

Cindy glared at him, but proceeded to apply some lip gloss, looking into a pocket mirror she’d pulled out of her bag.

“So?” she turned to him and looked him straight in the eyes, that Derek lost focus for half a second before turning his attention back to the road.

He shrugged awkwardly. “Just sayin’.”

Cindy chuckled lightly, waving a hand nonchalantly at him.

“It’s okay,” she replied. “So yeah, it might be a little ostentatious, but I don’t particularly care.”

Derek raised his eyebrows at her. “Isn’t the point of an interview, I don’t know, getting the job? Aren’t you supposed to try your best to make an impression?”

“I don’t like the idea of being judged for the way I look or dress, Derek,” she retorted. “I like to be judged for my brains. And once I have that part covered, no one gives a damn whether I wear pink cardigans or a Leprechaun costume.”

Derek snorted. She did make a solid point. It’s just that it had been years since he’d built a certain image of Cindy in his head, he’d painted her a picture of a brainless bimbo pinning after a guy who was way out of her league, a superficial plastic beauty that served as an empty shell. And these past days, it seemed to him as if she’d been pretty keen on proving him wrong. Because, as it turned out, Cindy was neither superficial, nor empty.

“What’re you interviewing for, anyway?” he asked her casually, and she shrugged as if it were no big deal.

“A job.”

Derek rolled his eyes. “Is it a job in the stand-up comedy industry? ‘Cause you’re hands-down hilarious, I’m tellin’ ya.”

Cindy laughed, and eventually turned to him.

“I majored in computer engineering. I’ve had a few internships over the years, but this would be my first real job in the field.”

Derek nearly drove the car into a pole.

“Computer engineering?” he exclaimed, and Cindy simply rolled her eyes. Yeah, not a brainless bimbo, either, that was for sure. “That’s pretty impressive. A lot, actually. I guess I never—“

He trailed off, realizing he was about to say something pretty insulting.

“You never thought there could be more to me other than pink cardigans and lip gloss?” she smiled bitterly, and Derek turned to her wide-eyed, stammering.

“Oh, n-no, t-that’s not, ugh, not at all what I meant. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry if I, umm, offended you.”

“It’s okay, Derek,” she shook her head, not seeming at all offended. “I get that a lot. You’re not the first person to think so, but it’s kind of the way I come across, don’t I?”

“A little,” Derek wrinkled his nose, but found himself smiling anyway. “I don’t know what to tell you. The pink cardigan and the lip gloss pretty much seal the deal.”

Cindy chuckled again, a little surprised herself at how comfortable she was growing around Derek. He still had some misconceptions in what concerned her, but she admired the way he shrugged them off one by one. And one by one as well, both of their defenses fell down like dominos. They were just too proud to admit that to themselves just yet.

With the corner of her eye, Cindy saw Derek grow a little serious.

“You know, showing Ray that there’s more to you other than pink cardigans and lip gloss might have helped your case,” he spoke softly, and Cindy blinked. “I mean, I know we’ve misjudged you and all that, and I’m sorry about it. I guess we never did stop to think twice about it. But Ray does appreciate a bright mind, and I can tell you’ve got it. Why didn’t you ever show it?”

Cindy never thought about that. And she didn’t know what was more shocking. The fact that she’d never stopped herself to wonder why Ray thought so poorly of her and to actually do something about it, or the fact that Derek was apologizing for treating her in response to pink cardigans and lip gloss.

“I don’t know,” she answered in all honesty, and Derek’s eyes widened at her admission. “In what concerns Ray, I did everything wrong. I know now. And it took some pretty brutal humiliation for me to realize that. It was the one time when I had all the means to get a guy and I chose the one way that could never work. I wasn’t able to tell that Ray would never be impressed by a pretty shell.”

Derek flinched a little in surprise at her using the same term he’d come up with earlier, and at the fact that she was opening up to him about all of these things. Oh God. What if she started to bring up some more girl talk? One mention of a tampon, and he’d throw her out of the car.

“But you’re not just a pretty shell, are you?” he found himself saying, watching her with the corner of his eyes. “If you ask me, it’s his loss.”

The words flew out of his mouth and Cindy’s eyes snapped towards him, widened, her mouth forming a small ‘O’. But surprisingly enough, Derek didn’t regret saying it.

“What?” Cindy asked dumbly, frowning, and Derek smiled awkwardly.

“Yeah. I mean, let’s face it, you are a pretty shell, and I mean it in the good way. But there’s gonna be a guy who’s gonna be able to see past the shell and grow hella fond of the smart girl inside. Y’know, the I.T. girl who majored in computer engineering.”

Cindy chuckled and Derek caught glimpse of a faint pink shade coloring her cheeks, a small shy smile playing across her lips. Well, that was quite the view. It suited her better than the flirtatious sly grins she used to shoot in Ray-Ray’s direction.

“You really think so?” she asked in a small voice.

Derek huffed. “I know so. I’ll have you know I had an embarrassing crush on you back in high school.”

Cindy’s smile faltered and her eyes grew wide once more, and Derek felt like slapping himself. Now he’d blown it. Because why get rid of the awkward awkwardness when you can make it awkward-er? He needed that on a T-shirt.

“You what?” Cindy asked quietly, and Derek pursed his lips, knowing there was no way out of this one. He’d walked right into it.

“Well, can you blame me?” he grinned like a little kid, going from bad to worse. “You were prom queen and all that, and you always took pity on me. Thanks to you, I never failed tests, I was always having my ass saved whenever I forgot to do my homework and I got to eat those kick-ass cookies. But I was too much of a wuss to act on it. And then you turned into Ray’s personal stalker, no offense, so I grew out of it.”

He bit his lip, waiting for her response, praying she wouldn’t slap him or anything. There were a few seconds of heavy silence in the car, and then Cindy did the most unexpected thing she could’ve done. She burst out laughing. A loud, crystal clear laughter, articulate and a little nasal enough to be cute, and her head was thrown back and her eyes wrinkled at the corners. And Derek had no idea why he was noticing all these things.

“What?” it was his turn to ask dumbly.

“You had a crush on me?” Cindy managed to ask between giggles, and he had to admit, Derek’s pride was a little wounded that she found it so funny.

“Yeah,” he answered confused. “Why’s that so absurd?”

“You don’t understand, Derek,” she managed to get out. “You know why I gave you my homework and my cookies and why I let you cheat on tests?”

Derek frowned, not following, and Cindy laughed harder.

“Because I had this huge crush on you, too, you moron,” she shrieked. “I only approached Ray because I wanted to get a reaction out of you. But that never happened, so I wanted to get back at you by getting with your best friend. And that never happened, either. Next thing I knew, the whole thing with Ray blew out of proportion. But my God, you made my day.”

She laughed a little more, while Derek was driving speechlessly. After a while, his lips curled upwards into a surprised smile.

“Jesus Christ,” he chuckled lightly. “Ain’t that a plot twist.”

Cindy nodded, and a few seconds later, Derek parked the car in front of the I.T. firm.

“This is it. This is the place,” he told her, and he saw her smile and her earlier cheer fade. “What? You’re not like, nervous or anything, are you?”

He tried to laugh it off, but she stayed silent, looking straight ahead and biting her lip.

“Oh,” Derek raised his eyebrows. “You are.”

Cindy sighed. “I really want this job. It means more than just that. It stands for a lot of things that I need to prove myself.”

Her eyes were unfocused, and Derek realized she wasn’t talking to him anymore. It was more like she was repeating a mantra in order to get a hold of herself before she got in there.

“Hey,” he spoke softly, turning his body to face her. “You’re gonna be fine. Go flash your pink cardigans and lip gloss at them, and then knock them out. They’ll never see you coming. You’re gonna nail this interview, you’ll get this job and you can prove yourself whatever it is that you wanna prove yourself.”

Her eyes flashed to look at him, and he saw it in her eyes that she wanted to believe him.

“You think so?” he asked, and Derek saw the pattern on their previous conversation, so he followed the script.

“I know so. Now get your pink ass in there. I’ll wait for you right here, so that you can thank me for the speech once you’ll get the job. And then I’ll take your out for a drink to celebrate.”

She chuckled and nodded, and turned around to get out of the car. But in the last second, she turned around again and faced Derek, both of them suddenly aware that they had leaned forward and their faces were dangerously close. But neither of them seemed to mind. Their gazes were locked, and for a few seconds they just sat there, breathing the same air, neither of them daring to break the moment. Eventually, Cindy spoke.

“Thank you,” she breathed, and Derek opened and closed his mouth a few times, but before he got the chance to reply, she turned and got out of the car, walking inside the building like she owned the place.

Derek smiled to himself. Well, that was more like the Cindy he knew. He couldn’t quite place the exact same second when that happened, but all of a sudden, the sharp sound of her heels on the pavement didn’t strike him as annoying anymore. It was more of a signature of hers, and Derek wondered what could’ve happened to her to make her want to announce herself so loud, to make her want to make such statements even if they weren’t truly beliefs she stood for. Derek wasn’t sure he wanted to dig into that. Because it would’ve involved talking to Cindy about it, and that would’ve meant bonding, and Derek didn’t do bonding. Especially not with Cindy. As cute as this whole story about them having a crush on each other all those years ago, this wasn’t high school anymore. And they’d both changed a lot since those times.

The whole car smelled like Cindy, like lilies and vanilla, and Derek needed to get her out of his head for the time being. He didn’t regret being there for her today, since it was clearly some harsh time for her. Hell, he didn’t even regret suggesting going out for a drink with her, even if the last time he’d done that, the consequences had been pretty dramatic. But for this time when she was inside, he wanted Cindy out of his system.

He walked around the car and leaned on it, hands stuffed in his pockets, and waited. He considered giving Ray a call and use this dead time to catch up with his best friend, but then he would have had to tell him where he was and what he was doing and with whom he was, and Derek wasn’t really in the mood for a lecture. What Ray didn’t know couldn’t hurt him.

So he went back to waiting. And waiting. And he waited for an hour and a half.

Eventually, the front door opened and out came Cindy with a wide smile on her face. Derek felt a smile of his own blooming on his lips in return. And before he could acknowledge what was going on, Cindy started running and she threw her arms around his neck, laughing hysterically.

“I got it!” she shrieked. “I got the job!”

Derek laughed in return and returned her hug, a little taken aback, but then again, who was he to tune down her happiness? The girl seemed like she could use some.

Eventually, she unwrapped herself from Derek’s arms, looking a little embarrassed for having reacted like that, but that cute smile still plastered on her face.

“Congrats, Cindy,” Derek smiled back, their fingertips still touching slightly, but they were too hyped to notice. “Guess I owe you a drink now, don’t I?”

Cindy laughed whole-heartedly.

“Oh, I’m holding you to it.”

 

Hey guys!!!

So I know this one is a full Cindy & Derek chapter, but since the next one is a full Ray & Sky chapter, I thought it only fair. Plus, they’re so cuuuuuuute. Hihi.

See ya soon with the next chapter, fellas!

Lots of love,

xoxo

13: Chapter 12: The alphabet song

CHAPTER 12 – THE ALPHABET SONG

I had it all figured out, Ray told himself. I had it all planned. And it was a flawless plan. It should’ve worked. It was supposed to work. I shouldn’t have to make this choice.

And it was, indeed, a flawless plan. His head had become a chart he’d drawn this plan on, because he wanted this to work. He needed it to work, badly. But things never go as planned. There’s always that ‘it’ factor. That one thing you never give a second thought to, that one thing you fail to take into consideration. Yeah, that’s the one that shows up to bite your ass just when you’ve almost made it.  The painful almost. Like a shark pulling you back into the depth just before you break the water surface. And surely enough, it fucking did.

~48 hours earlier~

“Stop it, Ray, it tickles.”

Sky giggling and flinched away from his touch, and Ray couldn’t stop but chuckle a little himself in return. She was lying on her tummy in his bed, her bare back exposed to Ray, and he was drawing circles absent-mindedly, simply taking her in, entirely content to simply lie by her side and watch her. ‘Cause she was quite the sight.

He wanted to capture her. It sounded weird in his head as he thought about it, but it wasn’t in a creepy way. Not in the way you’d capture a butterfly in a net. More like in the way you take a bee into a whole field of flowers, letting her roam, but keeping her within reach. Ray wanted to have her constantly within reach, so that he could cherish the warmth he was flooded by every time she was near. He wanted to take his heart out and lay it under a microscope, just so he could observe her fingerprints on it.

And yet, he knew just how unstable this relationship of theirs was. He knew nothing of Sky, he had nothing on her except her very presence and what was clear to the eye. He knew her hair was blonde and her eyes were small galaxies of their own, and that she had the brightest smile and the most kissable dimples, and that she was anything but a morning person, but a hands-down night owl, that she hated milk, but could drink gallons of orange juice. He knew she had a thing for his hair and couldn’t stop running her fingers through it, he knew she bit her lip a lot, and had a maddening habit of biting his, too, making his brain explode on occasions. He knew she snored a little, in the cutest, kitten-like way, as if she purred. She also talked in her sleep, merely mumbles, really, that he had trouble deciphering, and if he ever tried to get her to repeat, in a delusional hope that she was dreaming about him, she just chuckled mischievously, muttered a ‘yeah’ and rolled over to the other side. But the list stopped here.

So he made a different list. Not even a list, really. More like a really specific plan. There was no point in denying that he’d fallen hard and violently for Sky. And if this was all it took to keep her in sight, he’d settle for being a small star in the endless horizon that she represented.

The plan was meant to make Sky realize that she had a place by his side. That they belonged together in a beautifully unfinished harmony. And it had to happen slowly, progressively, like holding your hands up as you approach a skittish kitten under the bed, careful not to scare her away.

So, Plan A was in motion. Sleep in with her and stay in bed until noon.

It wasn’t much. But she had this little unsettling habit of disappearing during the day, and Ray sometimes found her back in his apartment when he got home from work, or she’d arrive shortly after him. Most nights were theirs. But then she’d disappear for days, leaving him with the maddening thought that she’d left for good, with no intention to come back. And he’d grow angry and frustrated and was fussing about it, and then he heard the click of the key in his front door’s lock, and he had every thought of yelling at her, of grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her, demanding explanations. Which he probably should have done. Any sane person would have. But then again, Sky also had the habit of knocking every ounce of sanity out of him, and when she walked in and Ray’s gaze fell on her intoxicatingly blue eyes, he dropped dead all over again.

So maybe Plan A was simple and insignificant. But getting her to stay in bed until noon might have led to her spending a whole day with him, and maybe he could’ve gotten the chance to get some answers.

So far, so good. It was already 11 a.m., so one more hour to go and Plan A would’ve been successfully completed. Ray smiled to himself and tightened his grip on Sky’s waist. She shot him a smile, placed a quick peck on his lips, and then she did the thing that felt like a kick in the guts to Ray.

She stood up.

“What’re you doing?” he asked, trying to sound casual, but the frustration was clear in his voice. “I thought we were staying in today.”

Sky shot him a smile, the kind of smile that a patient mother shoots her toddler when he’s being adorably unreasonable. Which only angered Ray to no end. He wished she’d just stop giving him this kind of looks. Like he was a snowflake in her palm and she was the only thing keeping him from melting. Like he was a tiny bug and she was doing him the favor of his life by not crushing him.

“Well, it’s already late, and I’ve got an errand to run,” she explained vaguely as she buttoned her jeans.

“Right,” Ray said icily. “An errand. But I cleared my schedule. We were supposed to spend the day together.”

She leaned on her hands on the bed and rubbed her nose against his, and Ray’s breath caught a little in his throat, but then he remembered he was mad at her.

“Maybe you should’ve asked me first, Ray of Sunshine,” she spoke, then kissed him again shortly, turned on her heels and left the bedroom, winking at him on her way out.

Plan A, crashed and burned.

Good thing there was still a long way to Z.

 

~38 hours earlier~

Plan B. Cook her dinner.

It was almost 9 p.m. and she still hadn’t showed up. But the minute she’d walk through that door, she’d be quite swept off her feet, just like Ray had promised her she would. He remembered their talk, and he remembered the look in her eyes when she said she had never been cherished. He could tell she had never had someone making her feel special, loved, appreciated. Making her feel like a priority. And he intended to show her just how deeply he cared for her, and hoped it would trigger some sort of— well, he wasn’t sure what. But whatever it was, he hoped it would trigger it.

It was 9:00. This was weird. She’d never been this late before. The latest she’d ever been was a little past 8. Well, maybe that mysterious errand of hers had taken longer than usual.

He sighed and paced around the kitchen, eventually settling for lighting up some candles and dimming the lights. Romanticism to its best. Sky would have to have been made of ice not to swoon at the scene.

He’d cooked a killer lasagna. It was mother’s secret recipe and he knew for a fact that it held the kind of love that went straight to your stomach and then proceeded to flood your senses. He poured two glasses of the same brand of red wine they’d drank that first night she’d spent in his apartment, and he kept waiting, his heart slamming against his rib cage in anticipation for her arrival, and for the way her face would light up with surprise when she walked in.

It was 09:43. Okay, this was more than odd. The tingling of anticipation turned into the chill of worry. He was all too used to the feeling.

11:21. The candles had burnt out. The lasagna was cold. Ray was sitting in a chair, eyes glued to the door, trying to make up excuses for her. Because he knew for a fact she didn’t offer any. She never did. She waltzed right back in into his comfort zone and settled back by his side like this was the only reasonable place to be. And he allowed it. Because she felt good by his side.

1:37 a.m. She wasn’t coming. With his heart carefully hidden under all of those papers on which he’d sketched his plans, so beautifully and carefully architectured, he stood up from his chair, took the plates and emptied their content in the trash can. He threw the dirty dishes in the sink and went to bed at 2 a.m.

Because nothing good ever comes after 2 a.m.

Plan B, crashed and burned.

 

~23 hours earlier~

It was noon, and it was Ray’s day off. He usually couldn’t sleep in even during his days off, but today was an odd exception that he couldn’t explain. His eyelids slowly cracked open and he stretched, rolling to one side, and he felt the sharp smell of oranges before he saw her.

Of course. Even his silly brain was so in love with her, it got better rest just by scenting her fragrance nearby. Bastard.

She was lying on her side, facing him, eyes closed, but her breathing was uneven enough for Ray to be able to tell that she wasn’t sleeping.

He thought about last night, and wondered when she got in. He hadn’t heard her. He also thought about the usual impulses. Grabbing her by the shoulders, shaking her, demanding answers. But he stopped himself midway.

Plan C. Don’t ask questions. Don’t push her. Let her have her space.

So he sighed and traced her collar bone line with his fingertips, his touch light as a feather. He felt her shudder under his fingers.

“Morning,” he whispered, and she smiled back.

“Noon, Ray of Sunshine. S’not like you to sleep until late.”

Ray chuckled lightly. So many questions danced across his lips. Where had she been? With whom? Why hadn’t she showed up last night? Why had he showed up at all after he’d gone to sleep? She must’ve known he was sleeping so late at night. So many questions. But he had to stick to Plan C . So he settled for only one question, not mentioning the whole dinner thing and how much he’d wanted last night to be just a romantic night for the two of them. One safe question only.

“How do you feel about pancakes for breakfast?”

 

~18 hours earlier~

Plans D, E and F. Variations of the previous ones.

The rest of the day went by smoothly, like any other one. Unanswerable questions still bugged the back of Ray’s mind, but he learned that he didn’t mind this. Not bearing the weight of said questions on the tip of his tongue, he afforded the luxury of pushing them deep into the back of his mind. So Plans D,E,F. Nice talking, no pushing her, no questions, draw her in slowly and surely, like a skittish kitten.

And it was working well enough. He held Sky cuddled in his arms, and they were talking non-sense, simply enjoying the presence of each other and hearing each other’s voices. And in those small moments, Ray felt the need of nothing more. No names, no backgrounds, no past, no need to place her. Just a deep longing to keep her.

So he dared to conceive a Plan G.

 

~13 hours earlier~

Plan G. (Aren’t there a little too many plans? No. Shut up.) Extreme measures.

Find a way to pop the words.

What do you mean, what words?

The words.

Yeah, those ones.

Those three ones.

Yeah, so it was terrifying. And all the ways he came up with took up at least half more of the alphabet. He was running out of letters.

He didn’t want to scare her away, though. He knew their relationship was fragile. He knew she might have seen those three words as shackles and that her first instinct could have been to flee. But he’d take that chance. He’d find a way.

They were lying in his bed, Sky on her tummy, which seemed to be her favorite position, legs dangling in the air, reading a random book she’d picked out from his shelf. Ray was sitting with his back against the headboard, a sketchbook in his lap, and he was drawing her. He’d done that a lot since they’d met, and his sketchbook was full of drawings of her. Sky with that silver mask, Sky in the rain, her hand extended to him in an irresistible invitation, Sky soaked to the bone on the docks, Sky in the elevator, eyes wide, Sky smiling slyly at the subway, Sky walking toward him with her cute umbrella, Sky in his arms at the library, Sky on his doorsteps, Sky in between his sheets. And somehow, he’d managed to keep those sketches out of her sight. He didn’t want to freak her out. But now he stopped with his pencil midair.

But what if these sketches spoke more than he could? What if he didn’t need to utter those three words, when he could let the ways his fingertips traced her shape by instinct, by heart, by muscle memory, speak for him?

His breath caught in his throat as he was looking for ways to spell it out for her, and Sky felt his eyes on her and raised her gaze.

“Are you having a seizure, Ray of Sunshine?” she cocked her head to one side, smiling teasingly.

Ray sighed and shook his head, gripping the sketchbook even tighter. Sky seemed to notice so.

“Whatcha drawing there?” she dangled her feet, biting her lip playfully.

Ray took in a shaky breath, suddenly shy. Suddenly self-conscious. Suddenly scared. But before he could react or realize what was going on, she snatched the sketchbook from his hand and started to flip through the pages.

Ray waited silently, unable to move or to breath, patiently waiting for her to either freak out, or to reciprocate his feelings. And he could see her face changing, a small crease appearing between her eyebrows as she took it all in, her eyes following the route of her fingers switching pages. Her teasing smile fell and, instead of it, her lips formed the shape of a small ‘o’.

“Ray—“ she whispered eventually, her fingertips barely brushing against the paper, as if afraid she’d ruin them. “You made these all?”

Not trusting his voice, he conjured a small nod.

“Ray, but these are—“ she breathed in, then out. “These are all so beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful,” the words escaped Ray’s lips without him noticing, but he let them settle in the silence gathering around them, surrounding them like a velvet blanket.

Sky’s eyes were wide, and Ray thought it was safe to assume she was past the freaking out part.

“Ray—“

He wanted to tell her. To tell her why he’d drawn her, why he’d felt the need to capture her on paper, to lock her silhouette on the tip of his pencil. To tell her how he felt. How she made him feel. But she knew. She knew it all. So they kept sitting in silence until Sky studied every single drawing of her. Once. Then twice. Then once more. And Ray waited patiently for her to be ready to talk. And eventually, she did.

“I’d say… I’d say you’re making pretty good on your promise, Ray of Sunshine.”

Ray stopped breathing. Stopped thinking. Stopped existing. And then was reborn again, from the ashes left behind after her lapis lazuli eyes set him on fire.

“What promise?” he asked dumbly, though he knew too well.

Sky smiled, and then he knew everything had been said through the weight of looks exchanged.

“To make me fall for you,” she replied serenely, like it was the most natural, simple, obvious thing in the world. “I fell straight on paper, Ray of Sunshine. Laid carefully by your skilled hands.”

 

~10 minutes earlier~

Ray picked up the book from the counter, shifting through the pages, wondering if today was the day he’d finally be able to break the spell and read again. It was the first day in weeks when he felt… good. Serene. Calm. He could finally feel this relationship he had with Sky catch shape, let itself be contoured.

But he was getting ahead of himself. His plans were far from over, and he’d spent the whole morning coming up with new ones, and he was getting confident and starting to aim high. At this point, he was all the way to Plans M, N, O, P, and beyond, and he wasn’t even sorry.

His phone rang, bringing him out of his reverie. He checked the caller ID, but it only showed a number. Huh. He wondered who it could’ve been. He answered the phone and froze into place.

“Hello, Mr. Cartwright. This is Michael Smith. I call you consequently to the internship you have applied for a while ago.”

 

~Now~

New York.

The opportunity of his life, all the way across the country.

The sound of glass breaking shattered his mind piece by piece.

They say you shouldn’t worry if Plan A fails, because there’s still 25 letters left.

Bullshit.

There’s no plan.

The minute you make it to Z…

…Congratulations, Mr. Cartwright.

You learn it’s never really over.

...We have carefully reviewed your application.

It’s all an endless cycle…

…And we have found it very impressing.

Of making plans you can’t live up to…

…And have therefore decided.

And promises you can’t keep…

…You are the ideal candidate for an internship within a highly prestigious law firm.

So you end up stuck in a carousel that keeps spinning…

…In New York.

That is, until you jump out.

And you learn that dizziness and motion sickness are just so much better than hitting the solid ground.

Better than the agony of a broken heart as you look over your shoulder and acknowledge how much you have to leave behind.

 

There you go, guys.

I’m particularly proud of this chapter, to be honest. Heheh. It sets the scene for what’s to come next, and I do hope you guys enjoyed it.

Anyway, let me know what you think!

Next chapter, Sky and Derek find out the big news about Ray’s departure, and we get some Cindy and Derek moments as well.

See ya! Lots of love!

xoxo

14: Chapter 13: The words

CHAPTER 13 -  THE WORDS

“So, that happened.”

“Yup.”

“Again.”

“We’re not particularly smart.”

Derek and Cindy were sitting on Derek’s bed in the morning, both of them having their backs against the headboard, staring blankly ahead and avoiding direct eye contact with each other. Because this was the aftermath of yet another bad decision. The second one that had let them to dealing with its consequences the following morning.

“But I gotta admit, this was—“ Derek spoke slowly, still staring into the void, but Cindy cut him off.

“If you say it was fun, Derek McCarter, so help me God,” she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the headboard, covering herself with the sheet, suddenly self-conscious.

But if the last time Derek had been pretty reluctant about bringing it up, second time with Cindy had been… Well, least to say eye-opening. He smirked and finally turned to face her.

“What?” he shrugged innocently, still grinning like an idiot. “It was.”

Cindy glared, but the playful glint in her eyes only encouraged Derek in his madness.

“Oh, come on,” he winked. “You can’t deny it.”

“That’s the problem, dumbass,” Cindy sighed, and a small smile played over her lips. “I really can’t.”

She got up from the bed and started to get dressed, leaving Derek gaping. A few seconds later, he shook his head and tried to bring himself out of his reverie. The dumb grin was back on his face, but Cindy was one step ahead and she turned to him, her eyes narrowed.

“And no, Derek, third time’s not gonna happen,” she said sharply, and was surprised to see Derek’s face fall a little. Well, who would’ve thought Derek McCarter, ladies’ man, could evolve from his one-night stand policy? Because this had already been a two-night stand and he seemed to be aiming for a three-night one. Interesting.

“Too bad,” he scratched the back of his head.

Cindy sighed again and pinched the bridge of the nose. Why the hell did she feel the need to explain herself to freakin’ Derek McCarter?

“Look, Derek,” she began, already fully dressed, so she assumed she could hold his attention now. “I’ll admit this was oddly fun, but let’s leave it at that. You already thought me to be some bimbo, and bimbos are easy to fool into bed, and I don’t wanna live up to those expectations.”

Derek got up from the bed, too and went to stand in front of her.

“Let’s say I’ve seen the error of my ways,” he teased. “I know you’re not some bimbo, Cindy. You’re smart and funny. I know I’ve misjudged you.”

She tilted her head and looked at him for a minute, before shooting a teasing smile in his direction.

“Good. So now that I’ve finally changed your mind about me, I’d rather it stayed this way. I won’t alter it anymore.” She kissed his cheek quickly, in the friendliest way possible, and she turned on her heels. “Bye, Derek.”

She walked out the door, leaving Derek standing in the middle of the room, lips pursed.

Well, this had been fun. Most fun he’d had in ages.

But he also had a feeling that this wasn’t over yet. This wasn’t the last he’d see of Cindy these days.

 

***

 

Two weeks had gone by, and Derek was starting to see he’d truly seen the last of Cindy. They hadn’t run into each other anymore, no more forgetting stuff at his place, no more driving her to interviews. It was like their whole thing, whatever it was, their whole fling had never happened.

So, naturally, he hadn’t mentioned a word to Ray. Why endure a whole lecture for something that was already over? He stood by his policy. What Ray didn’t know, couldn’t hurt him. And what Ray didn’t know kept him from hurting Derek, too.

Needless to say, Cindy hadn’t made an appearance at Ray’s library, either. She seemed to have finally gotten the message, so she kept her distance, and Derek hoped she was doing well in the process of moving on, what with her new job and everything.

He found himself thinking about her more often than not, which surprised him to no end. After all, as jerk as he may have been for thinking it and as harsh as it may have sounded, Cindy didn’t mean anything to him. Except two really, really memorable nights and some cute memories from a time when they were practically kids. But other than that, now that she was out of the picture, he had no reason whatsoever to keep remembering her randomly. He told himself it was because she had been the first girl to brush him off the way he always brushed off his flings.

He shook off these thoughts as he walked through the snow on that mid-December afternoon, and a few minutes later, he walked into the library where his best friend worked.

It was uncharacteristically quiet. Not that Ray was particularly loud, but there seemed to be some kind of tension in the air you could cut through with a knife. For a second, Derek worried that Ray might have found out about his little adventures with Cindy, but that would’ve been absurd. First of all, because there was no way he could find out, and secondly, because it was ridiculous to be scared of how Ray would react, after all. It was his bed, therefore, his decision with whom he was sharing it.

“Raymond,” he exclaimed, extending his arms and grinning like an idiot. “Long time no see, lad.”

Ray looked at him, but didn’t react much. He didn’t even complain about being called Raymond. Or the British wanna-be accent. Huh. This was odd.

“Wow,” Derek raised his eyebrows. “Who ruffled your feathers, my friend?”

Ray sighed. “No one. Good to see you around, finally. Thought you’d forgotten about lil’ old me.”

“Ah,” Derek snapped his fingers. “The silent treatment. I see. I’m getting the cold shoulder.”

“No, Derek, that’s… That’s not at all it.”

Ray ran a hand through his hair and rubbed his face. He looked tired, Derek noticed. And not the good kind of tired that involved losing sleep whenever Sky stayed over, but more like mentally exhausted, like he was burdened. Derek frowned. Last time he’d seen his best friend like this, it was when his father had just died.

“Ray, man, is everything okay?”

He forced a small smile.

“So all it takes is a pouty face to get you to stop calling me Raymond?”

Derek glared. “Dude, I’m serious. What’s wrong?”

Ray bit his lip and averted his gaze. How could he tell him? How could he make that decision? And truth be told, the decision was already made. All it took now was learning to live with it. And this was the most difficult part. Because he didn’t know how to live with chasing his dream if it involved leaving people behind. He wasn’t interested in climbing the mountain. All he wanted was to enjoy the view.

“I got an internship,” he spoke in a small voice, and Derek simply blinked at him.

“Are you serious, Raymond?” he shrieked. “You scared the crap out of me. I thought something really serious happened, to you, or to your family, or to Sky, and all that’s wrong with you is getting cold feet for a new job?”

Ray pursed his lips, not having it in him to correct him.

“Well?” Derek prompted.

“I got an internship, Derek. And it’s in New York.”

Seconds of silence followed, in which Derek didn’t say a word. And that was disconcerting. It wasn’t like Derek to stop talking. Derek was the guy who kept going just because his brain was a maze, an explosion of colors, and he felt the need to constantly let it out. People didn’t get that. People saw Derek as a guy who picked up chicks in bars and broke their hearts, a hyperactive prick with nothing good to say. But Derek was smart. Exceptionally smart. And Ray had known that ever since they were kids. Ray was always the one who got praised by teachers, always the one with straight A’s, valedictorian, first in his class, both high school and college. Derek was all B’s and C’s and failed classes because he talked back to teachers and forgot to do his assignments. But he was brilliant, and Ray had always been amazed by it. Hell, he’d known the guy for at least half his life. He’d come to learn that behind seemingly empty words, Derek spoke more than you’d realized, if you only knew how to listen. Ray wondered who could listen to Derek if he’d go away, and his heart shrunk a little.

“W-which one?” Derek asked eventually.

“What?” Ray frowned.

“Which New York?”

Ray rolled his eyes at the amount of denial in his best friend.

“There’s one in Texas, haven’t you heard?” Ray mocked.

“Well, it’s gotta be,” Derek laughed humorlessly. “’Cause there’s no way you’re referring to the one that’s all the way across the fucking country.”

“Derek—“ Ray began, but he didn’t know how to continue. What could he tell him?

“Wait, you’re serious?” Derek’s face fell. “You’re really moving to New York?”

“I haven’t given them an answer yet. The internship starts in March, so I wouldn’t have to leave until then. And God knows I want to, Derek, but I can’t just leave and not look back. I’ve got family here. Friends.”

Derek scratched the back of his head and started pacing, not talking for another few seconds.

“But, Ray—“ he spoke eventually, more serious than Ray had ever heard him. “Your dream job’s there. The career you’ve dreamed about ever since you were a kid. I think that weights a lot, too.”

“It does,” Ray admitted. “I can’t work as a librarian for the rest of my life. Not with all the sacrifices I’ve made to go through law school. But I can’t just choose to ignore everything else. I can’t go if it costs me the people I love.”

“Ray, come on, man,” Derek laughed humorlessly again. “I mean, it’s gonna suck, but it’s not gonna cost you the people you love. People keep caring even if you’re not there.”

Neither of them spoke for a few seconds, letting the words sink in. And then Ray cracked a smile.

“That was some deep shit, man,” he chuckled, and Derek laughed in return.

“Well, in all honesty, Raymond,” he said, and Ray saw the transition to the Derek he knew and loved. “You were always an awful wingman. At least now you’ll spare me the excruciating agony of watching you try to hook me up with ladies. I mean, Sky alone was a miracle, a gift from the gods. I’ve always wondered how many goats you’ve sacrificed in order to get that hottie.”

Ray threw his head back laughing, but it was visible to Derek, how the joy seemed to fade away second by second, as the words sank in. And he knew exactly what keyword had triggered it. Sky.

“How’d she take it, anyway?” he asked. “Sky? Did you tell her yet?”

“No, not yet. I only found out this morning. I think I’m gonna tell her tonight.”

He pursed his lips, and Derek waited for him to go on.

“It’s not fair, you know?” Ray threw his hands in the air exasperated. “I finally find this girl, and she’s amazing. And we have this amazing thing. And I’m finally getting past her defenses, and it finally starts to look as if we might be heading somewhere, and I have never felt like this about someone. It’s not fair that I have to give it up.”

Derek sighed and wrinkled his nose.

“I don’t know what to tell you, man. I get it. It’s really not fair. But don’t sweat it. Take it one step at a time. Tell her first, and go from there. She might surprise you.”

Ray nodded slightly and patted his friend on the back. Count on Derek to talk some sense into him. You’d think it was the other way around. But it never had been. Clear-headed Ray and buffoon Derek practically turned one into the other in times of crisis.

“Thanks, man,” Ray smiled. “Now, let’s move on. When were you gonna tell me you were sleeping with Cindy?”

Derek’s eyes widened and he opened and closed his mouth a few times.

“How the fuck did you know?” he shrieked, and Ray laughed.

“I’m your best friend, you moron. Did you really think you could keep things from me?”

“Okay, first of all, we’re not sleeping together. It only happened—“

 

***

 

Ray tried the door, but part of him knew he’d find it unlocked. It was the messed up way things usually are. The one night when he didn’t want to see Sky, when he’d want to postpone telling her about the internship as much as he could, of course he’d find her here early.

He dragged his feet to the kitchen and found her there, the cutest frown on her forehead, literally covered in flour.

When she spotted him, she smiled sheepishly. Ray couldn’t recall if she’d ever been sheepish with him before. It suited her, in contrast to her confident and smug and sexy as hell self.

“I swear it’s not what it looks like,” she shrugged and wrinkled her nose, and Ray wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms like a gift, to smooth down her hair and maybe, just maybe, kiss her hard enough that her gravity would find a way to keep him glued to her and he wouldn’t have to go away.

“That’s what a guilty person would say,” he forced a small smile. “See? Lawyered.”

Sky rolled her eyes, but chuckled nonetheless.

“I never said I wasn’t guilty, Ray of Sunshine. I’m guilty of trying to be romantic.”

She blushed, and it looked delicious on her. Not much embarrassed Sky, Ray thought. She was a free spirit, one who dared take chances and wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, one who made demands and gave no explanations. There was beauty in her fearlessness and madness in how much he loved her.

“Care to elaborate?” he prompted, proceeding to shrug off his coat.

“I was trying to surprise you,” she came to stand in front of him, resting her hands on his chest, warm against his steady heartbeat that hummed at her touch. “I wanted to make a simple dinner for just the two of us. Turns out I’m a terrible cook.”

Ray chuckled in spite of himself, his heart shrinking nonetheless.

“I think I could’ve safely made that assumption,” he mocked her, and she slapped his arm playfully.

But in just an instant, she grew serious, and Ray could feel her scrutinizing gaze slipping past his walls like morning light through a thin window. Forcing your eyelids open, forcing you to admit you’re awake.

“Let it out, Ray of Sunshine. What’s wrong?”

He sighed, not bothering to hide it.

“What makes you think there’s something wrong?” he averted his gaze, but she placed a finger under his chin and met his eyes.

“You’re tense. And it’s clear your head is someplace else. Plus, every time you walk inside the apartment and I’m here, your eyes do this thing. They shine a little brighter for just a second. A little greener. It’s barely noticeable, but it’s there, and I’ll admit I’m proud to know I put it there. So what took it away?”

Ray felt his chest tighten. He’d had no idea Sky was as receptive as him as he was of her. Their short-lived bond ran deep, but given the news he carried now, it also cut deep as a knife. A dull knife. One that cuts painfully, brutally, slaughtering flesh, meant to cause pain rather than to kill. Sharp knives provide the luxury of a clean break, and this was anything but it.

“I need to say something,” he began, and Sky frowned. “I don’t think you’ll be fond of hearing it, but I just need to say it. Just once. And you need to hear it just once.”

Ray saw it in her eyes that she was anticipating it, and her sapphire eyes darkened a little.

“Ray—“

“Let me say it,” he closed his eyes and clasped her hands in his. “Just once.”

She didn’t speak, didn’t move, didn’t breathe, staying still in his arms, unspoken words floating between them like wild butterflies waiting to be caught. But butterflies aren’t meant to be caught.

“I love you.”

Butterflies are meant to be set free. Because once you catch them, they end up dead inside an insectary. And all that’s left for you to do is watch them and live with remembering how beautifully they used to surround your body in flight.

“Ray—“ she tried again.

“I love you,” he cut her off, and his shoulders dropped slightly, as if one of the weights had been lifted. “God, I love you. And now that I’ve learned what loving you feels like, I have to let go of it.”

Sky frowned and shied away from his touch, surprised. “What?”

Ray let go of her and moved a few steps backwards, rubbing his face. His eyes were bloodshot and his hands were shaking a little.

“I got an internship in New York,” he blurted. “I leave in March.”

So the words were out. Their weight pushed and pulled and drew Ray’s eyelids closed and dragged Sky’s feet a few steps backwards and shoved sharp icicles straight through their hearts with every shaky heartbeat.

“Oh,” Sky murmured eventually, and she forced a broken smile. “Wow. Congratulations.”

She turned her back on him, and the words came back to Ray to rip his skin open and tear at his lungs, blocking out the air. Then his vision blurred. Then his hands started shaking. And more words started to claw their way out, those dug out from deep within that you always regret having let out, but can never put back into cage.

“Is that all you have to say?” he clenched his jaw.

He heard Sky draw in a sharp breath and for the briefest of seconds, it occurred to him that this couldn’t be too easy on her either. But the thought faded as soon as it came, and Ray was blinded by rage and by every feeling he’d pushed down deep within himself like he’d been drowning in a bottomless well.

Sky turned around, wearing the same polite smile that drove Ray completely over the edge.

“Well, it’s good news,” she defended. “You wanted the internship, so you got a great internship. What else do you want me to say?”

Ray moved forward and stood in front of her, nostrils flaring.

“I don’t want you to say anything, Sky,” he whispered, his tempered voice scarier than if he would’ve screamed. “I need you to say you wanna fight for this, dammit. For us. That we’re worth saving and that we can work this out. That we’re gonna make it.”

He was breathing hard, and she turned her back on him again, rubbing her temples. He let her have her space and waited for a few minutes in utter silence, and when she turned around this time, her smile was broken, a broken piece of a precious porcelain doll. Her eyes held the glory and the beauty of a falling star, yet they also held the same sadness and tragedy of it. And Ray knew that the bets were off, and so were the masks. They were looking at a ‘Game Over’ burning-red screen as the sky was falling down, gray as never before.

“But truth is, Ray, we’re not,” she spoke, letting her arms fall by her body. “We’re not gonna make it. It’s gonna end, and it’s not gonna be pretty.”

Ray let out a heavy sigh and turned his back on her, unable to deal with that kind of burden right now. And it was unfair on her behalf to drop it on him like that. What surprised him, however, was feeling her stand behind him and they both breathed in and out in perfect sync for a few seconds, before she put her arms around his torso and resting her head on his shoulder blades. It felt more intimate than anything they’d ever done, more personal and intense, and Ray found himself once again unable to breathe. Because of both bliss and agony.

“We won’t make it, Ray,” she whispered again, and Ray’s heart shrank. “But we don’t have to deal with that just yet.”

Ray frowned and the spell was broken. He unwrapped her gently from around himself and turned around to face her.

“What?”

“You said you don’t have to leave until March,” she shrugged one shoulder sheepishly.

“Sky—“ Ray began, but she cut him off.

“No, listen to me, Ray. That’s three months. Three months is all we have left. And it’s better than nothing.”

He waited for her to go on, seeing her point, but failing to understand where she was going with it. But despite himself, he caught glimpse of a small hope glimmering like a beacon beneath the line of their horizon.

“We’ve got three months to be whoever we want to be, Ray of Sunshine,” she continued. “We’ll take this time and do exactly that. We’ll be someone else every day. We’ll make them the best we’ve ever had because it’ll be the best we’ll ever get. And then you’ll go chase your future and I’ll proudly wear the crown of your past. For now, I’m happy with being your present.”

Ray looked at her dumbstruck, and he realized he would’ve done anything she asked of him. Now, and anytime. She was so toxic in his bloodstream, and he was so addicted to her. So when she extended her hand to him, he didn’t hesitate a second before taking it.

“Do we have a deal?” she asked, looking at their intertwined fingers and offering a tentative half-smile.

“Lead the way,” Ray returned her smile, offering the same chorus they’d been singing for a while now.

And the words were like a prayer, the kind you say every time, the kind you keep repeating until your lips go numb and your knees go sore. The words, they’d all been sung, and their hearts knew them all, kept them hidden within the rhythms they beat with. So Sky’s smile widened and she let go of the choreographed words, allowing them to seal the agreement.

“All in?”

As if, Ray thought. Like there could be a different answer.

“All in.”

 

Hey, you guys!

I know, I’m an awful person for not having updated in so long. And it’s probably gonna keep happening for a month more or so, because med school finals are a total pain in the ass. But I’ll do my best to find some time to write.

In the meantime, I do hope you enjoyed this one and I’d love to hear your opinions on our couples!

Also, don’t forget to check out my profile if you want to see some fanmade (more like author-made) videos!

Lots of love,

xoxo

15: Chapter 14: Holding on and letting go

CHAPTER 14 – HOLDING ON AND LETTING GO

~December~

“What do you say we go visit my mother for Christmas?”

Ray had been thinking about ways to drop that bomb, but he figured there was no right way to put it. Sky would be taken aback anyway. So he just blurted it out. And to say Sky had been taken aback was the understatement of the day. Her sapphire eyes widened in utter shock and she had stopped mid-chewing to gawk at him.

“Come again?” she swallowed against the lump in her throat.

Ray had been thinking about it for a while now. His mom was fairly insistent that he visited as often as he could before taking off to New York, and he found himself overwhelmed by the need to show off his love for Sky. He felt like containing it clawed at his walls and wanted to burst out in an explosion of colors and feelings. He wanted to rip this bond, this love, out of his very core and lay it on the table, in front of his mother, of his sisters, of his family; he wanted the people closest to him to tell him that it was real and tangible.

Although, clearly, he should’ve known better than to expect such thing from Sky.

“I may or may not have mentioned to my mom that there’s someone in my life,” Ray tilted his head sheepishly. “She wants to meet the girl who can screw with her son’s head like that. She claims to know I’m not that easy to impress.”

His attempt of a joke flew right past her, and by the look on her face, Ray could tell this wasn’t going anywhere.

“Ray—“

He forced a smile.

“There you go again with the ‘Ray’,” he commented.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Sky crossed her arms over her chest, eyes narrowed.

“It means, Sky, it means that every time I try to take it one step further, you take two steps back. You ‘Ray’ me and I end up letting myself once again sweet talked into your ways. You always show up at night fall, always leave first thing in the morning. And I am having a hard time comprehending your methods.”

Sky looked as if she wanted to say something, but he was faster. He couldn’t let her shove excuses down his throat all over again. He crossed the room in a few steps and went to stand in front of her, cupping her cheeks in his hands and forcing her to look him in the eyes. Good Lord, he just hoped he had the strength to stare into those sapphire eyes himself without falling at her feet all over again.

“No, listen to me, Sky,” he spoke softly, and she did so. “I know you still feel like we need to conceal this thing that we have, for reasons I don’t understand and haven’t demanded. But, Sky… I could give you a million reasons why we belong in the daylight.”

She gently caught his wrists and removed them from her face, rubbing the back of his hands and averting her gaze. Eventually, she rested her hands on his chest and looked at him sadly.

“I don’t need a million reasons, Ray of Sunshine,” she whispered. “Just one. The right one. Just one strong enough to change my mind about how we belong on the night sky, like a constellation. But you don’t have that reason, do you, Ray?”

He sighed heavily.

“I wouldn’t know.”

She chuckled lightly at a joke Ray obviously missed.

“Guess you really wouldn’t.”

 

~Christmas~

“Hey, mom. Yeah, no, I’m good. How are Lily and Sarah? Great, tell them I said hi. No, we won’t make it. Maybe I’ll drop by tonight for dinner. Yeah, I’ll try to be there, I miss you guys, too. Nope, just me. She said she can’t make it. Yes, mom, I know you wanted to meet her. I’ll see you tonight, okay? Okay, mom. Yeah, I love you, too.”

 

~January~

Sky turned up the volume of the radio in Ray’s car, moving her head in the rhythm of the song. Ray smiled warmly at her and at how childish she was and how efficiently she managed to find joy in every little thing, but still turned down the volume.

She turned to him, eyes narrowed in irritation.

“Any particular reason why you’re being a party pooper, Ray of Sunshine?” she hissed playfully.

Ray laughed whole-heartedly and made a left turn. They were on their way to the movies, after a whole argument that had ended in Sky calling him a wuss because he wasn’t a horror movies fan. So naturally, they were going to see the newest horror movie in cinemas.

“Yes, actually,” he answered her question. “Common sense.”

Sky dramatically rolled her eyes.

“Common sense,” she repeated in mockery. “That’s not a reason, that’s an excuse. What you, my friend, call common sense, I call boring. And what you call eccentric, I like to call having fun. You don’t happen to know anything about that, do you?”

Ray pursed his lips to hide a smile, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of being right.

But because Sky was Sky and no one told Sky what to do and because Sky was like a cat who liked to push glasses off the table just because she was told not to, she turned the volume back on.

“Watch and learn, Ray of Sunshine,” she raised her voice over the music, and Ray couldn’t resist the urge to roll his eyes.

And then Sky continued to surprise him. She rapped.

The song was some ‘90s kind of rap that he could never bring himself to listen to. But man, his girlfriend could rap.

I like big butts and I cannot lie,

You other brothers can’t deny

That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

And a round thing in your face

You get sprung,

Wanna pull out your tough

Cause you notice that butt was stuffed

Deep in the jeans she’s wearing,

I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring.

She clapped her hands rhythmically and went on and on, yelling ‘Baby got back’ from the top of her lungs, ignoring Ray’s occasional groans.

“This song is offensive,” he stated simply as soon as the song was over, not bothering to question the fact that Sky knew every damn lyric of it. He had ceased being surprised by anything she did. He was just open like a poem waiting patiently for the next verse. With Sky as a muse, he thought, the analogy was quite accurate.

“That song, my friend, is an anthem,” she pointed a finger at him, that playful smile of hers lingering on her lips and Ray was dying to kiss it away. He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white and did the math, counting how many more minutes he had to live through before they’d get home and he’d hold her again. His fingertips itched so badly, he barely heard Sky talking. “That song is a statement. One does not simply judge that song, Ray of Sunshine. An anthem, ya hear me?”

Ray chuckled and realized that the current song on the radio was one of Taylor Swift’s. He smirked smugly and turned to Sky.

“If that’s a statement and an anthem, then what is this?” he prompted, and Sky chuckled.

“That’s our fun cue, Ray of Sunshine,” she wiggled her eyebrows at him, and launched herself into another round of karaoke, even more energetic than the previous one.

Ray stopped the car at a stoplight and simply looked at her. Just took her in. Her flushed cheeks, arms waving in the air, hair glued to her temples, eyes closed and the most delicious smile on her lips that he wished it could end on his lips as soon as possible. She was happy right now, and he wanted so badly to keep her so.

So he did the only thing he could think of.

He sang along.

And man, did he rock Taylor Swift. He shook it off like never before, and when Sky realized he knew every damn lyric do ‘Shake it off’, her eyes widened for about half a second before she threw her head back laughing. She joined him and they sang together from the top of their lungs, Ray growing happier with every note that he put that little spark in her eye, that he was the one she looked at with such love.

And then he looked slightly to his left and his performance came to an abrupt ending.

“What’s wrong, Ray of Sunshine?” Sky giggled at him. “Ready to admit your defeat to the queen of karaoke carpooling?”

Ray was fairly sure he’d blushed to the tip of his ears, and he buried his face in his hands before the light turned green and he drove away.

“The guy in the next car,” he explained, mortified. “He’s working at the law firm that hired me. He’s an intern, too. Oh God, please tell me I’m not gonna start my internship with the reputation of having Taylor Swift gigs in my car.”

Sky tried to keep a straight face as he spoke and groaned, but when Ray turned to her, suspicious at her silence, she just couldn’t hold it in any longer and burst out laughing.

“Oh, Ray of Sunshine,” she said between giggles, barely containing her laughter at his utterly embarrassed expression. “I certainly hope that’s exactly how your reputation’s gonna be.”

 

~February~

“I’ve always wanted to crash a wedding,” Sky giggled, turning her back on Ray for him to zip up her dress.

She was so excited it was contagious. And the red dress hugged her curves in ways that made Ray’s blood boil in his veins. But this was all part of a well-thought plan they’d come up with for an unforgettable night.

Loosely translated, making good use of an impulse and of that promise from the night Ray had told Sky he was leaving.

We’ve got three months to be whoever we want to be. We’ll be someone else every day.

Therefore, two hours later, they were crashing a wedding reception as random guests. Guests no one had invited, but those were just technicalities. They walked inside the restaurant hand in hand, stealing the attention of everyone in the room. A fine young man in a tuxedo, with emerald green eyes, with a bright smile and broad shoulders, and at his arm, his muse. And what a muse. Red dress and crystal blue eyes and blonde curls spread across her back. Both ready to be whoever the circumstances decided they needed to be.

They hadn’t discussed scenarios beforehand, hoping it would make things even more interesting. In fact, Sky had suggested a bet about who’d crack and laugh first.

“Your invitations?”

Ray and Sky turned to the waiter wearing the most serene expressions on their faces.

“I’m afraid I may have misplaced them,” Sky spoke lightly. “You see, we’ve traveled a long way for this occasion.”

The waiter didn’t sound too convinced, so Ray thought this might be a good time to step in.

“My name is Raymond Duchenne,” he said, the name rolling fluidly off his tongue, taking Sky aback with how accustomed he seemed to be with French. And with how insanely hot he sounded. “And this is my beautiful wife, S… Sylvie Duchenne. We caught the first flight from Paris to attend the holy unification of our distant relatives that we haven’t seen in an absurd amount of years. I guess we just happened to leave the invitations behind.”

“Yes, yes, indeed,” Sky confirmed. “You see, life with kids is never easy.”

Ray pursed his lips against a smile. He was gonna have such a hard time with that bet.

“In fact,” he continued. “Knowing our little Sophie, she might have stumbled across them accidentally and ate them. Toddlers.” He shook his head and saw Sky fight a smile with the corner of his eyes. “You can never be too careful with them. They’d shove anything in their mouth once their teeth start growing.”

Sky nodded, suddenly intensely serious. “Oh, and not only the toddlers. The twins Louis and Antoine are petite troublemakers at the kindergarten. Marie’s high school teachers call us in every week to complain about her grades. She and her sister Michelle are always giving the teachers a hard time.”

Ray faked a cough to cover his laughter. Now she was just making up French names, and he could see the waiter’s eyes widen as he was trying to do the math.

“But you know,” Ray played on. “As hard as it may get, I know I’m blessed having a woman like Sk… Sylvie by my side. She was an exotic dancer, you know, before she gave up her career and her freedom in order to raise our little ones.”

Sky snorted and the waiter’s eyes flew in her direction, but she cleared her throat to cover it up.

“Sorry, I think I might be catching a cold. The weather is not as mild here as the French climate,” she flashed a bright smile, then continued the discussion. “              And stop putting me on a pedestal, mon cher. It was nothing but a mother’s devotement. You’re the one who should be praised for running the family business and bringing the money home. Sure, running the casino is our backyard is often frowned upon, but we make no excuses for how we choose to live our life.”

The waiter’s eyes traveled back and forth between the two of them, clearly not knowing what to believe.

“How old are you?” he exclaimed eventually.

“25,” Sky answered proudly, then grabbed Ray’s arm, leaving the waiter gaping. “Now let’s go, mon cher, you promised me a dance.”

Ray nodded and kissed her temple, leading her on the dance floor. As soon as she was in his arms and they were out of ear sight, Ray let out a waterfall of giggles. Sky, however, kept her mask on.

“Is something the matter, mon cher?” she questioned so seriously, Ray could barely hold his shit together.

“Nothing at all, dearest Sylvie,” he answered. “I just miss the kids. I was thinking about some of the pranks the twins like to play on Marie and Michelle.”

Sky couldn’t hold it in anymore and hid her face in her shoulder as she giggled uncontrollably.

“A casino runner and an ex exotic dancer?” she questioned.

Ray simply shrugged as he swayed her flawlessly on the dance floor.

“Whoever we want to be, dearest Sylvie,” he said, and Sky shook her head and chuckled before kissing him senseless, not caring a bit that they were in plain sight at a wedding they had no idea whose was.

 

~March~

Today was not one of their best days, Ray thought. He could see the clouds of the fall out, of rupture, hovering on his sky. Over his Sky. She was slipping through his fingers like thin sand and he couldn’t bring himself to grab another handful. He was tired.

Sky was lying on his bed, her back turned to him, and Ray was lying by her side, face turned to the ceiling, hands rubbing his face. By the bed were a few empty bags that waited for him to pack his things into, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not yet.

“I only asked for a phone number,” he spoke with voice so lifeless, it made Sky’s heart shrink. “Or an address. Or an email. Hell, even a Facebook profile. Something to remind me you were real and that we had something and that wherever we are, I can find my way back to you.”

Sky sighed and got up from the bed, facing him.

“You don’t have to find your way back to me, Ray,” she said bitterly. “You have to find a way forward. To better things. To a bright future. I won’t hold you back. And I can’t ask you to keep pinning for a ghost.”

Ray stood up as well and went to stand in front of her, taking her hands in his and kissing her knuckles.

“But you’re not. Not holding me back, not asking me to pin for you. And you don’t have to. Because you could turn me around with just one word, Sky, and I’d stay. Hell, I’d stay for even the shadow of a whisper.”

She looked at him for a few seconds, then gently removed her hands from his and crossed her arms over her chest.

“I know you would. But I don’t think I can keep doing this.”

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Two heartbeats and a half.

Right back to where it all started. It’s like they were walking backwards instead of moving ahead. It was as if every progress he’d made with her had been erased and he was back to elevator doors shutting in his face.

But he wouldn’t let her do this again. He wouldn’t let her shut herself away from him time and again.

He moved hastily and caught her cheeks in his hands, forcing their gazes to meet. It was surreal how after all these months, he still managed to get lost in those icy eyes, clear as blue skies and deep as oceans.

“Say it, Sky,” he whispered, his warm breath tickling her lips. “Tell me to stay. Ask me to stay and I swear I’ll drop everything for you. Ask me to stay and I’m yours for good. Not that it’s ever been otherwise so far.”

She closed her eyes and shook her head, but Ray wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He just couldn’t lose her.

“Maybe not right now,” he hurried to say. “Don’t give an answer you’ll end up regretting. Don’t give up on us, Sky, please.” He rested his forehead on hers and caught his breath. “Tomorrow morning. My train only leaves at noon, so I’ll be at the docks. All morning if I have to. Just… Be there. I’ll be waiting for you there. If you don’t show up, I’ll know and I’ll be on my way to New York. But—“ He swallowed hard before speaking again. “Show up.”

They stayed there, locked in a tight embrace, until Sky finally unfroze herself and got untangled from his arms. Then she walked away, leaving Ray behind with empty bags to fill and an empty silence screaming in his head as he nourished the hope that the girl he loved would grant him another chance to sweep her off her feet.

 

~Same night, a few hours later~

Derek was a few corners away from his apartment. He’d said his goodbyes to Ray and while he was gonna miss the hell out of his best friend, he was still glad he was facing the opportunity of his life. He just wished that opportunity didn’t have to be all the way across the country.

He noticed it was starting to rain, a few raindrops getting caught on his lashes, so he fastened his pace before getting soaked. Now, thanks to Raymond and his little girlfriend, every time it rained he couldn’t help but remember their little Nicholas Sparks moment in the rain. Moments, more like it. They did have this disgustingly sweet thing about rain.

But for the past couple of months, Derek did find himself daydreaming about disgustingly sweet. Okay, maybe disgustingly sweet was an exaggeration, but there had been a point that he couldn’t precisely name from which he’d started wishing he had something like that.

Lying to yourself much? his conscience scolded him. You know the exact same point when that happened. And you know exactly what something like that you want.

Yeah. He kinda knew. He just didn’t particularly want to admit it to himself. Because this was Cindy he was talking about and admitting that would’ve been like a car crash. Disastrous, mostly.

Ray had gotten him his blessing. Sort of. You could say that. Okay, maybe not per se, but it was implied. He said he could hardly wrap his head around it, and it was the most absurd thing he’d ever heard (huge exaggeration, in Derek’s opinion), but that Cindy was, all in all, a nice girl. And if Derek really wanted that, then who was Ray to veto his decision?

Which led to the real question. Did Derek really want that?

It didn’t matter anyway. It had been months. Ever since that morning in his apartment and that kiss on his cheek, Derek hadn’t heard from or seen Cindy. And he could not stop thinking about that kiss on the cheek, and that’s what unsettled him the most. It had been the most innocent interaction with a woman he’d ever had, and yet the one that had marked him the most.

Irrelevant, he told himself as he turned around the corner, only a few steps away from his building. Cindy was pretty much gone from his life with no signs of ever intending to show up again. He just had to stop thinking about her.

Derek stopped abruptly, suddenly oblivious to the cold rain making his clothes cling to his skin.

Maybe that was easier said than done, he thought as he took in the silhouette standing before him in the pouring rain, red curls dancing between the raindrops and shiny green eyes.

“Cindy,” Derek breathed.

She sniffed, and despite the rain on her cheeks, he could tell she’d been crying. She tried to speak, but her voice broke.

“I didn’t know where else to go.”

Derek sighed and his defenses took the highway straight to hell. He nodded and took her hand, leading her inside the building. This moment, he could precisely name. It was the moment in which she’d changed the pattern of the storm.

 

Hey, you guys!

Remember me? I’m that evil author who kept you waiting for weeks for a chapter.

I know, I know, sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it. But, y’know, finals in med school ain’t that peachy and they took its toll on me. Anyway, we’re pretty close to the end, so stay close, folks! We’ve got a big ending in stock.

I promise I’ll update as soon as I can.

Love you all!

Don’t hate me :(

xoxo

16: Chapter 15: Russian roulette

CHAPTER 15 – RUSSIAN ROULETTE

“Wanna talk about it?”

Derek placed a glass of orange juice in front of a teary-eyed Cindy. He was going to offer tea or coffee, but he couldn’t bear leaving her alone in that state enough to put together such thing.

Cindy sniffed and forced a sad smile.

“Kinda,” she admitted. “But I don’t really know how.”

Derek didn’t know how to answer to that. He didn’t know how to do the empathy thing. He wanted so badly, but he sucked so much at it. He’d never felt the need to. He didn’t even know how to pat people on the shoulder and mutter a ‘there, there’ under his breath. But this was Cindy and she was slowly breaking under his eyes and he suddenly wanted nothing more than to put his arms around her and sooth her and run his hands through her hair while she cried herself to sleep on his chest. Yeah, he was in some deep shit. Such a time Ray had chosen to leave him alone. With Cindy on his mind. In such. Deep. Shit.

“I mean, I want to,” Cindy continued, her voice breaking. “But I’ve never talked about it. I don’t know how to say it out loud.”

Derek reached and took her hand, surprising both of them. But he didn’t waste time thinking about it. He was having trouble focusing on anything else than finding ways to make her feel better.

“It’s okay,” he said, and hoped he was doing things right. For her sake. “If you wanna get it out, I’m here to listen. If you wanna stay here until it goes away or gets better, I’m also here to hide you from whatever it is you’re running from.”

Cindy simply stared at him, unable to wrap her head around what had just come out of his mouth.

That makes two of us, girl, Derek thought, but made sure his face was still composed and serious and sympathetic. She’d said she hadn’t known where else to go. She’d chosen to come to him. And he needed to live up to her expectations. And it was an odd feeling. He’d always hated women’s expectations of him. He’d always found them suffocating, like shackles keeping you in place, wherever they wanted you to be. But he’d mostly made up those expectations. Cindy might have not wanted anything from him, but he was ready to offer. That’s how badly he wanted to make things right between the two of them.

A tear rolled off Cindy’s cheek, but she didn’t bother with it, her eyes still locked with Derek’s. So he reached and brushed his thumb across her cheek gently as a whisper, wiping away that small teardrop, and she shot him the faintest of smiles.

“My dad just died,” she blurted out, and Derek’s eyebrows shot up.

“What?” he shrieked lightly, and Cindy buried her face in her palms.

“This morning,” she said after a long pause in which Derek let her pull herself together. “And I’m somewhere halfway between, ‘I should be sorry, but I’m not’, and ‘I shouldn’t be sorry, but I am’. Does this even make any sense?”

She groaned, and Derek awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

“In a way, I guess,” he replied. “I do get what you’re trying to say. I don’t understand why, though.”

She sniffed and took a deep breath, trying to put an end to all that crying. Cindy hated feeling so weak. Her father had been the reason why she’d promised herself she’d toughen up and never shed a tear again. And of course, he’d been the one to also make her break that vow so many years later.

So she started telling Derek the story that she had never said out loud. And she was saying it out loud for Derek McCarter. She’d come to Derek McCarter. But that was something she’d deal with some other day.

“My father wasn’t exactly a role model,” she began sheepishly. “Neither him, nor my mom. I’ve been beaten up, cursed at, woken up in emergency rooms and blamed for whatever new way they’d hurt me. ‘How many times I’ve told you to get out of my way when you’re home, Cindy’? And ‘You’re the clumsy one for getting in front of my bottle, Cindy’. Stuff like that.”

She shrugged, trying to dismiss it as no big deal, but Derek felt his blood boil.

“Oh, God,” he gulped, clenching his jaw and his fists so hard his muscles hurt.

“It didn’t matter,” Cindy flashed him a broken smile. “I didn’t know any better. I though that’s how most families were. How family is supposed to be.”

“That’s so messed up,” Derek hissed under his breath and stood up, feeling the need to pace back and forth. If the guy had still been alive, he was sure he’d have gone and shaken Cindy’s dad pretty well.

“It really was,” Cindy chuckled humorlessly. “And I only realized that when I was 16 and he… crossed some lines.”

“Jesus Christ,” Derek rubbed his face, his heart thumping loudly in rage. He couldn’t picture how it must’ve been for Cindy. A total nightmare. A cruel and unfair one.

“He tried to cross some lines,” Cindy corrected herself, the ghost of a smug smile bringing some color in her pale cheeks. “He never got to. It was like my eyes popped open out of a sudden and I saw how sick the whole situation was. So I did the only reasonable thing I could think of.”

She paused for effect.

“I beat the crap out of him with one of his golf sticks.”

Derek stopped pacing and looked at her impressed. Really impressed.

“Huh,” he exclaimed, shooting her a proud smile, and she even chuckled a little.

“Yeah. He never laid another hand on me ever again. And that’s the day I stopped talking to my parents at all. For two more years, until I went to college, we were just strangers living under the same roof.”

“What about your mom, though?” Derek questioned. “Any mother in her right mind would’ve taken her kid and fled after that.”

Cindy huffed. “I couldn’t agree more. But I never said my mom was in her right mind. It was your typical domestic violence situation. I was bullied and no one cared. But I made sure it never happened again. I made sure to grow up strong and independent and never have anyone make me cry again.”

She took a deep breath, clearly fighting back a few more tears, and Derek let her have her moment.

“Until now,” her voice broke, and a few rebel tears did escape down her cheeks, and she broke out into a cascade of sobs in no time.

Derek crossed the room in two steps and sat next to her on the couch, not wasting a breath before pulling her to his chest and letting him cry into his T-shirt while he ran his hands through her crimson curls. Just as he’d anticipated. This, he was good at. He could do this much for her.

“How?” he asked after a few minutes, when she had already calmed down.

She knew exactly what he meant and pulled back, wiping away a few of her tears.

“Cirrhosis,” she whispered. “Alcohol destroyed his liver. How unpredictable, right?”

“And your mom?”

“She killed herself,” she stated simply, but Derek saw behind the meaning of her words. It wasn’t hard too, really; even a thick head like himself could understand what she implied. A life like that can get the best out of anyone, and from her story, Derek could tell her mom hadn’t been that strong of a spirit.

Cindy sighed and Derek removed a few strands from her tear-soaked face. The gesture took both of them aback, but for the time being, they figured it was wise to ignore it.

“I know he was a bastard,” Cindy hissed through her teeth, pursing her lips in anger. “Dammit, I know that. It’s the most decent thing I can call him, trust me. He was less than a human being and I hate myself for feeling this way, but I can’t help but think I’m alone now. There’s no one left to care about me and I am completely, utterly, painfully alone.”

She tried to hold it in, but the tears broke through, and she closed her eyes this time, letting them flow like a soothing river, letting herself flooded by the feeling, embracing it with arms wide open, because it was all she had left at the moment. She flinched a little when she felt Derek’s hands on her cheeks and she opened her eyes.

“Listen to me, Cindy,” he spoke fiercely, his brown eyes keeping her locked in a one-way highway they’d started driving on at full speed. “Remember what it took you to build that strong independent self you take such pride in? Hold on to that. You can’t break now. Think of it as waking from a nightmare. It was bad and it left you scared and vulnerable. But it’s over. You’re still here and you’re everything but lonely.”

She stared at him wide-eyed for a few seconds, before dropping her gaze and smiling sheepishly.

“That was a nice speech and I gotta thank you for it,” she said. “And you’re right. I need to hold on to what I’ve built. But Derek, that doesn’t change the fact that there aren’t any people who truly care for me.”

He dropped his hands from her face to her wrists, knowing that the words he was about to say, however random and insignificant they might have seemed to her, were a game changer for him, because he knew exactly what roots that tree had grown from.

“Then go make some.”

 

***

It was 5 am. Ray hadn’t been able to get a single minute of sleep all night. He’d tossed and turned in his bed, feeling all too aware of the empty side of it. He’d stared at the ceiling for hours before deciding he couldn’t wait anymore, couldn’t sit here doing nothing.

So he got up from his bed and got dressed, walked out the door holding his every hope stuffed in his pocket.

So here he was, at 5 am, in the cold air of a March morning. It was early spring, holding the promise of fresh starts, of awoken senses, of lost minds and losing counts of sunrises and sunsets and skies painted in red. He didn’t need skies painted in red, though. He just needed two blue skies. Two blue skies he kept waiting for to show up.

They didn’t.

Ray was pacing back and forth, cold and anxious and hopeful and hopeless.

It was 7 o’clock. Technically, this was when the real waiting started. Even his fried up brain knew she couldn’t have come at 5 in the morning. But still he waited. He took shelter on that empty bench, painting it with a map of every made up scenario he could come up with for the moment when he’d see Sky slowly come in his sight. Maybe they’d kiss. Maybe she’d stop right in front of him and they’d smile and they’d know they would make it through. Maybe he’d extend his hand and ask her to dance once more, like that first time. They played in a loop for hours.

And hours.

And hours.

It was past 9.

No sign of Sky.

Just clouds and the threat of a storm, and if the storm was so close, then where was she? Was she willing to shatter his hopes via messengers?

By 10 o’clock, it started raining, and Ray never appreciated these little ironies less.

He was supposed to be at the train station a little before 12, and he hadn’t packed a thing, but maybe if he could just wait for a few minutes longer. Just a few more minutes. He’d read enough books and seen enough movies to know the greatest things happen just seconds before you’re ready to give up. They always show up to turn you around just as you’re about to leave.

So Ray kept his eyes glued to the horizon.

She had to come.

She couldn’t just let go.

No goodbyes. No last kiss. No empty promises and no last brush of fingers. If this were a book or a movie, then he must’ve gotten the wrong script, ‘cause it wasn’t going well.

The girl of his dreams was supposed to show up and throw herself helplessly in his arms, vowing to follow him to whatever end, or he’d vow to never leave her side regardless of whatever he was offered. There’d be more dreams to pursue. There was only one Sky.

But instead of these things, Ray just sat on his bench, pulling at his hair because he couldn’t remember their last kiss. But unless accounted for, you never remember or cherish these things. Because you always believe you’ll get more of them. So you never stop to capture that moment in time for the long run. And now, the taste of her chapstick on his lips was fading, as was her smell, as was the touch of her velvet skin.

It was 10:30. He couldn’t wait anymore.

Ray sat up from the bench and started walking backwards, his eyes still glued to the horizon.

Please, come.

A few more steps.

Please, show up.

And then a few more.

Please, turn me around.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Three heartbeats and a broken horizon. A skyless, empty horizon.

 

***

She spent the whole night wondering. Pacing. Wondering some more.

The decision was made and she was standing by it. She would not get in the way of Ray’s dreams. She couldn’t ask him to give everything up for her when she couldn’t offer him anything at all. Not when she didn’t even have herself to offer.

She put him out of her mind and tried to ignore the clock on her night stand staring right back at her, through her, within her. She wouldn’t go. She couldn’t do that to him.

But after hours of pacing back and forth, of reading, cooking, watching movies, cleaning up, anything to take him from her mind, she dared to take a look at the clock.

11:27.

He must’ve been long gone from the docks. She pictured him standing there, his eyes traveling the distance, watching for her silhouette. One who didn’t show up. She pictured his face as he walked away with his heart heavy, the corners of his eyes turned slightly downwards, lips pursed tight and jaw clenched, breathing evenly in and out through his nose as disappointment settled in and curled up his insides. She knew exactly, cause she felt the exact same way.

At 11:28, she caved.

She gave in to the impulse and knew she couldn’t lose him. She was selfish, but she had been playing Russian roulette her whole life. For these past few months, she’d learned that the bullet was Ray Cartwright. And this was the last shot. She couldn’t call the shots right now.

She flew down the stairs, and down the streets, and to the cab, and urged the taxi driver to drive faster, then she flew down the streets again, and up the stairs, and to Ray’s door.

Her knees hadn’t shaken so badly her whole life. She didn’t dare look at the clock. She knew Ray had to catch his train at 12, but she needed to believe she’d made it. She had to have made it.

She touched the doorknob reluctantly and pressed slightly. The door didn’t move.

Okay. There was no need to panic. Ray did keep his door locked sometimes. She searched her pockets for the spare key he’d given her and with hands that wouldn’t stop shaking, she tried the keyhole. It took her a few tries, but she managed to unlock the door.

She took a deep breath and put on the brightest smile she had, thinking about how Ray’s face would light up at her sight. Thinking about the way his arms would tighten around her, of how he’d bury his nose in her hair, breathing her in, and how he’d kiss all the way from her temples to her lips.

Her heart shuddered in anticipation.

She opened the door and walked inside.

Her gaze fell first on the clock in Ray’s kitchen.

12:07.

Her brain stopped working for a minute and the bright smile would not wash off her face. Her brain knew she was too late, but her heart was having a hard time acknowledging that.

And then she took a few steps around the empty apartment. No picture frames, no Ray’s old worn jacket, no random books resting on the couch and on the coffee table and in basically every corner of this apartment. No more of her clothes lying around.

No more anything.

The apartment was literally empty, a few rays of sunshine sneaking in through the window to remind her of the one ray of sunshine she’d lost.

She burst into a hysterical round of giggles and put her hands on her hips, looking around. Then she went into Ray’s bedroom –ex bedroom— and threw herself on his bed –old bed— and let go. She started crying like never before, for the one thing she’d ever wanted and let go of.

She was too late.

She had been playing Russian roulette her whole life. The gun was just never loaded.

 

Hey, you guys! I’m making good use of my promise and here you go, current chapter. Hope you liked it, and lemme know what you think! The story is slowly closing in and coming to a conclusion, and I certainly hope you’ve enjoyed the journey as much as I have.

Love you guys,

xoxo

P.S. Bummer `bout these two, ain`t it? 

17: Chapter 16: No life after you

CHAPTER 16 – NO LIFE AFTER YOU

 

What am I doing?

This isn’t right.

I can’t do this.

A car stopped abruptly outside of Seattle.

This isn’t right.

I can’t do this.

I can’t go through with this.

Behind the steering wheel, a man grabbed a handful of hair in his fist and leaned his head against the driver’s seat, sighing in surrender.

I can’t do this to her. Or to myself.

I can’t do this.

I must be out of my mind.

He opened the door and got out of the car, taking in a deep breath and trying to get a hold of himself.

What am I doing?

I can’t do this.

And he just knew. There had never been a choice, and yet, he’d been on the verge of making the wrong one.

A man stood at the city line, his gaze embracing the horizon, the buildings, as he breathed it all in. Yes. Seattle had the woman he loved buried deep in its atmosphere, her name written in bold letters across every pattern drawn over the landscape.

And as he stood outside the city, he felt as if he were just one step too far, too little, too late, too close to losing what had been his for the taking. Or maybe was never his to begin with.

But at least he knew now.

I can’t do this.

It may have never been his at all.

But he had to at least make a claim.

Because meant to be doesn’t just happen. There wasn’t such thing as meant to be. There was just the twitching of fingertips longing to hold her, to trace the lines of her collar bones and her full lips and her waist line, lips twitching to kiss her forehead, cheek begging to be caressed by her long lashes as they kissed, the skipped beat of a heart, two deep blue eyes tattooed in the back of his mind, and the knowledge that, if he left now, he’d spend the rest of his days regretting not having stayed and fought for her. Despite everything. Despite herself.

The one that got away.

He could let her become that.

He’d take the one that could have gotten away and turn her into the one he’d gotten back.

I won’t do this.

Not if it costs me her.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Two heartbeats and a half.

He was doomed to keep chasing her. Or perhaps blessed to do just that.

His heart knew the choreography and his muscles worked by memory, and before the third heartbeat, Ray climbed inside the car and drove back into Seattle to get his girl back.

 

***

He had no idea what he was gonna do. There was just an urge, an aching need boiling in his veins, barely grazing beneath the surface of his skin, a scorching fire. And Sky was the water that could put it out, a well hidden in the woods he’d gotten lost in. He had no idea what he was gonna do.

He drove aimlessly around the city for some solid minutes, unable to make up his mind. How could he get to her? He had no phone number, no address, no means of getting a hold of her. He squeezed his brain hard before finally admitting that this whole adrenaline rush was doing him no good and that needed a clear head. He’d found Sky when the odds had been nothing but against him once, he could do it again.

He drove back to his apartment, counting breaths and heartbeats to pull himself together.

He stopped the car in front of his building and he lost count. His heart went erratic as he caught glimpse of Sky coming out of his block, pale-faced and puffy-eyed.

She’d shown up.

She’d shown up.

Later, but she’d shown up.

He wanted nothing more than to walk out of the car and run to her and wrap his arms around her and sweep her off her feet and kiss her senseless and confess he could never bring himself to leave her. Not after he’d spent his whole life looking for her, and he’d never even known she needed her until he had her standing right in front of him, gorgeous from head to toe, special from inside out, completely insane and self-assured and for some absurd reason, interested in him.

But he held back. For some reason, he hesitated. He watched her walk down the sidewalk and while he had to fight every single instinct in his body against rushing to her side, he stayed put in his car and watched her, a little red light flickering in the back of his head.

This was Sky without him. This was the only time he’d seen Sky outside the context of their relationship. And curiosity got the best of him, because this was a perfect opportunity to learn some things about Sky. At least where she lived. At least a path, paved with little pieces of the puzzle she was.

He knew he was going to regret it and that it wasn’t the wisest idea and that it would get him in a lot of trouble and that the road to hell was paved with good intentions. But Ray didn’t get out of the car. Instead, he waited for Sky to walk around the corner and he started the engine, following her.

It was wrong, and every bone in his body told him so, but he needed to know. It drove him out of his mind to not be able to tell whether this thing they were living was truly his for the taking, within reach, palpable, a constant rather that a constant doubt and constantly wondering whether she was there to stay. If Sky didn’t want to give anything for this relationship, then he’d take some.

His heart pounded forcefully at the anticipation of holding her again after having lived for half the day with the certainty that he’d lost her, but he kept driving at a safe distance behind her, until he saw Sky walk inside a building no more than 15 minutes of walking from his place.

He waited for a few solid minutes, pondering his options. His brain was a mess and his heart was having a hard time keeping up. He could leave. He could leave and hope and pray to all that he held dear that the universe could work the same magic that had brought them together once more. He could wait for her to come back out and surprise her by walking into her path. But he couldn’t afford to second guess himself. He couldn’t wait for chances that might not come and he couldn’t place his choices in the hands of hazards all over again.

Ray ran his hands over his face and got out of the car before he could change his mind. Each step that led to her door felt like walking through water, heavy and exhausting and he second doubted himself every time he set one foot before the other.

He walked inside the building and realized he didn’t even have a name to go after. Just a face and two blue eyes imprinted on the surface of his skin like a thin layer of Sky glued to him.

He stopped in the hallway, looking around and telling himself that he had not thought this through entirely. He ran a hand through his hair, considering going back to his car and screwing this all and giving the universe another chance at fixing this, when an old lady walked right past him.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” Ray took advantage of the occasion. “My girlfriend lives in this block, but I’m not sure which apartment. Could you maybe point me in the right direction?”

The old lady smiled warmly at him. “Of course, dear. Who’s your girlfriend?”

Ray bit his lip. How could he admit he didn’t even know her name? How could he admit he was chasing pavements? Sky had tied a blindfold over his eyes and started a game of hide-and-seek Ray had never wanted to be a part of. Except she’d snuck out, leaving him stranded in the dark. How could he even begin to explain that?

“Umm,” he scratched the back of his neck. “She’s blonde. Really gorgeous. Has the bluest eyes you’d ever seen, a sassy smirk and one hell of an attitude. Couldn’t have missed her.”

The old lady chuckled and patted his arm sympathetically.

“Couldn’t have, indeed,” she replied. “Tough cookie to love, isn’t she?”

Ray smiled sadly and dropped his gaze, desperation flowing through his pores. He wanted to shove his hands in his pocket and hide his head between his shoulders, but in the back of his head rang the voice of his mother telling him that wouldn’t have been too polite.

“You have no idea,” he told the woman sadly, and she pursed her lips.

“She lives in 218. Best of luck, Mr. Cartwright.”

Ray was about to turn on his heels and stop, but stopped abruptly when he heard his name and turned to the old lady wide-eyed.

“Did you just—“ he stammered. “H-How do you know my name.”

The woman chuckled. “Don’t be silly, dear. You’re all she talks about.”

Ray swallowed hard and waited for her to burst out laughing or for some sort of twisted punch line. And then he waited for the information to sink in. The woman waited patiently for a few seconds before moving a few steps backwards, looking like she wanted to leave, but then she spoke again.

“Besides, Mr. Cartwright, I believe this is not our first encounter, is it?”

Without waiting for a reply, the woman turned around and walked away, leaving Ray gaping. He remained utterly confused for half a second, when it dawned on him. He gasped out loud. This was the old lady he’d run over with his bike, that day he’d seen Sky on the subway.

He barked out half a laugh, thinking about how the world was a truly small place. He didn’t lose more than a heartbeat over it, though. He had a girl to see.

His doubts were gone, having been replaced by an adrenaline rush that sent his head spinning and fingertips itching at the prospect of being mere footsteps away from the sight of Sky standing before him. So he rushed up the stairs taking two at a time until he found himself in front of Sky’s door.

218.

It suddenly felt so real. So concrete. So tangible. After you’ve been chasing fireflies for so long, once you catch one, you have no idea what to do with it.

Ray raised his hand and waited.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Two heartbeats and a half.

Round and round, until you’re so dizzy, you forget why you came. Why you’re standing there like a fool, wondering why you keep finding yourself crawling inside a heart that should be willingly open its door and welcome you in by now. And then you remember, and you follow the same pattern, because as bad as it was, life after her was worse without her in it. Not much of a life at all really.

Before the third heartbeat, Ray let his knuckles fall and knocked against the doorframe on which the number 218 stared at him, teasing him.

And then he waited.

And those seconds of motionlessness were the worst. There was a stillness around him and within him and the silence rang loud in his ears and his eyes were bloodshot and his heart was pounding hard against his rib cage and his lungs constricted under the heavy pressure.

And then the door opened and Sky was standing in the doorway.

Ray gasped and smiled so wide his cheeks hurt. She was there. It was her. He fought the urge to crush her thin silhouette against his body and crash their lips together and kiss her until they both forgot their own names.

“Ray,” Sky breathed, and her lips twitched into a smile that grew wider and wider by the second.

Ray started taking a step forward to do just that he’d been thinking about, because he couldn’t go one more second without holding her, but then Sky’s face grew still. Her smile faltered, her eyes grew wider and her lower lips started trembling slightly, breath growing frantic.

“Ray,” she whispered again, but this time, more alarmed.

Ray started to chuckle slightly and get rid of the awkward tension between them, right before Sky simply slammed the door in his face.

Out of all the possible outcomes he’d imagined, this was one that had never crossed his mind.

He stood there helplessly, short of breath, shaking his head in disbelief. How exactly was he supposed to react? What was he supposed to do? What did this even mean? He hated these question marks. He hated them so much. It was all he did lately, question himself and doubt and wonder and hope and fail.

He put both hands on the sides of the door and rested his forehead against it. He heard a soft thump on the other side of it and he could’ve sworn Sky had just slid down against the door. There was and had always been a barrier of some sorts between them, one that this door stood as a broken metaphor for, one that held them apart, a few inches that felt canyon-wide.

“Sky,” he spoke softly, knowing she could hear him.

Ray shut his eyes and hit his head against the wooden door, frustrated as never before.

“I couldn’t do it, Sky,” he confessed, voice breaking a little. “I couldn’t leave. I came back for you. I couldn’t leave you.”

He removed his hands from the sides of the door and paced a little, running his hands through his hair and breathing frantically. Eventually, he moved to the door again and laid his palm against the patterns in the wood.

“Please,” he whispered again, more to himself than to Sky, by now aware that nothing he said could change her mind. And yet he tried. He needed so badly for this door to disappear. This door and everything it represented. “Please. Sky, open the door.”

Sky was leaning against it, her head between her knees. She didn’t know it, but her rapid breathing mirrored Ray’s, those blue eyes he’d fallen in love with held the same hopelessness as his sunlit green ones. She had fought so hard against that first instinct to run into his arms and drown in the realization that he’d come back for her. That he was still here and that she didn’t have to lose him.

But either way, she did.

Either way, she lost him.

Either way, though he’d come back, she wasn’t here to stay. Wasn’t here to begin with.

She could give him nothing.

“Go away,” she raised her broken voice. “Please, Ray, leave.”

She buried her fingers in her hair and pulled, and a few tears made their way down her cheeks. Helplessness and hopelessness were some bitter motherfuckers.

She heard him slam his forehead against the door and she could swear a soft groan of frustration escaped his lips.

“Why?”

How could she even begin to explain to him? How, when she wanted this as much as he did? How do you explain why you cannot give your heart away and instead have to keep it broken inside your chest, pumping the acid of an inevitable and unfair goodbye.

She groaned and stood up, anger boiling beneath the surface of his skin, anger at herself for being so stupid and broken, at Ray for so stubbornly wanting to fix the unfixable, at the poorest timing ever encountered. So she opened the door wide open and the tears flowed down her face freely while she did nothing to stop them.

Ray simply stared at her at loss of air, of words, of thought at the ravishing sight of her so disheveled, wild as a storm she no longer owned. And yet, more beautiful than ever.

“You should have left,” she yelled at him, and Ray’s heart shrunk in his chest. “You should have gone to New York.”

“Sky—“ he tried, nourishing a fool’s hope.

“You said you came back for me,” she kept yelling, but while her words stung, her teary eyed pleaded. “But you shouldn’t have, Ray. Because I can’t have you back.”

They stood there for a second, both broken, both disoriented, one resisting the pull of gravity into an embrace, and the other wishing nothing more than to give in to the pull of the same gravity. Eventually, Ray shook his head and clung the same fool’s hope. The fact that she’d used can’t and not won’t.

He closed the distance between them and sneaked an arm against her waist, cupping her cheek with the other one, and he heard her gasp a little in surprise at the sudden closeness.

“Why?” he demanded fiercely, and it took every ounce of self-control in his body not to walk her backwards into her apartment and kiss her until she forgot what she was so worried about.

He saw it in her sapphire eyes. He saw that she was thinking about the same thing. He saw the way her eyes kept flying to his lips, he saw the way her chest rose with heavy breaths and he felt her heartbeats against his own chest. He watched her intensely, daring her, teasing her, tempting her to take what she wanted. All of him was a figure of clay in her hands.

But she didn’t give in. Instead, she closed her eyes and steadied herself, and then she unwrapped herself from his arms. She walked backwards, never bothering to wipe away her tears, and before she shut the door behind her, she looked at Ray one last time. He looked confused and pleading like a puppy. But what he wanted, she couldn’t give to him.

“I can’t have you in my life, Ray of Sunshine,” she tried to explain herself, not expecting him to understand.

“W-What do you mean?” he whispered in a broken voice, looking on the verge of tears himself. “Sky, you’re not making any sense. Let’s just talk ab—“

“Goodbye, Ray,” she spoke, and the door closed.

 

Hey, you guys. Sorry it took so long, but this chapter was a killer to write. It was such a sad chapter and I was in such a giddy mood lately I just kept postponing. Anyway, I hope you liked it,

Sadly, though, I gotta say there’s just two more chapters to go and an epilogue. There’s no point in delaying it anymore, since this is pretty much all there’s been to Sky and Ray’s story. Anything more would just be pointless. Hope you liked all of it! It has been quite the journey, tbh.

Do you guys have any favorite moments/lines/chapters?

Let me know! Lots of love,

xoxo

18: Chapter 17: Playing with fire

CHAPTER 17 – PLAYING WITH FIRE

The morning light crept through the window timidly, lingering across Cindy’s eyelids and tickling them long enough to make them flutter. She groaned and shut her eyes even tighter, trying and failing to block the sunlight out, so she settled for turning around.

She was vaguely aware of the arm falling over her waist and drawing small patterns on her hip as she rolled over to the other side.

But then it finally dawned on her and she remembered everything about last night. She suppressed another groan at the memory and buried her head in the crook of Derek’s neck. His grip on her waist tightened and he pulled her a little closer.

She eventually mustered the courage to pull a little back and open her eyes, just to find Derek wide awake, already staring down at her, a sheepish smile on his face. Sheepish suited him in a way that looked so wrong it almost seemed right. Because he’d saved that one for her. She wasn’t sure she wanted to face the implications of that.

“Hi,” Cindy bit her lip and held his gaze.

“Morning,” Derek replied, and they sat in silence, simply bathing in each other’s presence and inhaling each other until he eventually broke the silence again. “Just so you know, we’re fully clothed this time.”

The spell was broken and Cindy burst out laughing whole-heartedly, something she hadn’t done in a while. It was like Derek had crawled inside the depths of her being and she found she was perfectly fine with letting him scout it out. Of all the people, Derek McCarter had been the one to slowly make his way to becoming a knight on her chess table.

“I’m aware,” she chuckled, but grew serious within the second, wrinkling her nose. “I don’t know which one is scarier.”

Derek blinked, his thumb still drawing invisible patterns on her hip and setting her skin on fire.

“Waking up naked next to you or waking up fully dressed next to you,” Cindy explained.

And she meant that more than she could explain to Derek. Sleeping with him was a simple equation. He was a player, she’d been in need of distractions, equals hooking up. But waking up in his arms after she’d poured her soul out to him last night, after he’d held her as she cried herself to sleep, this was what fried her wires. She and Derek were water and oil. They simply don’t mix, no matter how much you force them to. And yet, for some reason, she’d chosen to come to him. She definitely wasn’t ready to face the implications of that.

“I’m not scared.”

Cindy’s eyes widened at his words. “What?”

Derek sat up and propped in an elbow, his hand leaving her waist just so that he could play with one of her red curls. He ran his fingers down the length of that curl, his face more serene and his eyes more clear than she’d ever seen. This was the Derek McCarter she’d known in high school. The sweet bad boy-wanna be with kind eyes and warm smile she’d been so drawn to. All those childhood and teenage feelings came rushing back to her with grown-up intensity, and it knocked the breath out of her lungs.

Derek took a deep breath and spoke, the back of his fingers traveling across Cindy’s cheek with a gentleness neither of them thought him capable of.

“I’m not scared at all, Cindy. This whole thing of ours, whatever it is, it’s crazy and unexpected and weird as hell, and I won’t pretend I understand what’s going on. But for starters, I don’t care.”

Cindy glared playfully, biting her lip against the smile growing on her lips.

“Ain’t that reassuring,” she mumbled, making Derek narrow his eyes and pinch her nose, and she chuckled.

“What I mean is,” Derek continued, just as serious. “Whatever’s going on, I’m willing to let it happen. I’ve got no clue where this is going and we might end up regretting it or it might end up being amazing. I’m taking my chances.”

Cindy looked at him mesmerized, not sure how to respond to that. Derek was pouring his soul out and it was resonating with hers, vibrations filling a void within her that was deep and cold as a longing. She placed her hand on Derek’s chest, feeling the strong beats of his heart against her palm.

“With the risk of sounding fifty kinds of cliché,” Cindy spoke, looking at him through her lashes, and Derek’s breath caught a little in his throat, as much as he hated to admit it. “But why? Why aren’t you scared? Why are you taking chances? You and I, Derek? We’re hurricanes. We don’t stand a chance.”

Shit bit her lip, sincerely hoping she hadn’t hurt his feelings. She hadn’t meant it in a brutal friend-zoning way. On the contrary, she was genuinely curious and she genuinely believed whatever interaction would happen between them was purely physics. Oil and water. Unlikely, right?

But Derek surprised her once again. His feelings seemed fine enough as he watched her with a lazy sleepy smile glued to his face, his eyes traveling across her face for so long Cindy was becoming self-conscious. And then he closed the distance between them and she was so sure he was going to kiss her and screw physics, because she was gonna let him. Perhaps oil and water don’t mix. But it occurred to her that they were more like magnets repelling each other. Unless you’re stubborn enough. And they had plenty of that.

She closed her eyes and waited for their lips to touch, but they didn’t. Instead, she felt Derek’s lips on her forehead and she let out an embarrassingly loud breath. He sat there for a second, his palm cupping her cheek, and when his lips left her forehead, they were replaced by his forehead and they sat eye to eye, inhaling each other.

“Perhaps we don’t stand a chance,” he whispered to her and his warm breath hit Cindy’s lips and she instinctively licked them in anticipation, watching a little smug as his eyes darted to them, but he tried to refocus on his speech. “Perhaps we’re hurricanes. And I’ve got no fucking clue why I’m not scared and why I’m taking chances.” They both chuckled. “But it’s the first time I don’t feel like running for the hills. And I know it’s a shitty argument, but it’s all I’ve got. Three times I’ve had you in my bed. Don’t know, I guess I kinda like having you here.”

Cindy bit her lip and smiled widely, tracing his jaw line with the tips of her fingers, as if barely learning him by heart, memorizing him.

“What’s your excuse, Bennett?” Derek teased.

Cindy sighed. “You mean other than the fact that you’re the only person who sat me down and listened to me?”

She’d meant that as a sad joke, but Derek’s expression remained the same.

“No,” he spoke. “I mean that three months ago you were still pinning for Ray and I didn’t exist for you. What could I possibly have over Ray to turn you around like that?”

Cindy shrugged and resumed the dance of her fingertips over his skin, and Derek leaned into her touch.

“How do I put this, Derek?” she sighed and smiled up at him. “Ray was a shiny toy you see in stores. And you tell yourself you deserve that toy, that you can have that toy because you’ve been a good kid.”

She turned away from him, sitting on her bed and facing the ceiling. She took it in. She’d humiliated herself so much for it. Like a kid throwing a tantrum in the middle of the story for said toy. She’d been so hung up on believing the universe owed her this much. Owed her the only thing she’d ever wanted in exchange from everything it had taken from her. And when the universe refused to grant her this much, she tried to claim it herself. Foolish. So foolish.

She turned her face again to look at Derek, who watched her expectantly, waiting for her to pull her thoughts together.

“I’m not that girl, Derek,” she tried to explain herself and felt even lamer for attempting so. “Stalker. Desperate. Clingy. Bitchy. I just—“

“I know,” Derek interrupted her. “I’m sorry I didn’t figure it out earlier. Guess you were pretty convincing.”

Cindy chuckled and their gazes locked again.

They sat there, in Derek’s bed, hardly touching, each to one side, hidden under a heavy blanket made of uncertainty and skepticism, but excitement made their skin tingle enough to await for what the horizon brought for the two of them with enough excitement.

Eventually, Derek broke the spell and bit his lip anxiously.

“Cindy,” he spoke carefully. “What about your dad?”

She broke his gaze and ran her hands across her face. “What about him?”

She tried to sound casual and careless, but Derek saw through it and glared at her. When she wouldn’t remove her hands, he gently took her fingers away and cupped her chin, forcing her to face him.

“Cindy,” he scolded.

She sighed loudly. “I know, I know. He’s at the morgue now.” Her voice broke a little. “They’re expecting someone to pick him up and… Y’know, handle things.”

She shook her head and inhaled sharply.

“As far as you’ve told me,” Derek tried again. “There aren’t too many someone’s who can handle things.”

Cindy glared at him and Derek was surprised to see the beginning of tears dancing in the corners of her eyes. As much as Cindy had hated her father, the whole situation took its toll on her, regardless of who she ended up lowering into a grave. She still ended up alone.

“I know, Derek, okay?” she snapped with an exhausted groan. “I know. I need to do that stuff. I have a funeral to plan, but I honestly don’t think I can do it.”

Derek blinked and pursed his lips. He wasn’t sure how to react to that outburst. She was past the grief and had moved on to anger, and something told him this wasn’t a phase in which hugs were mandatory.

“Hey,” he took her hand and ran his fingertips over her knuckles. “You don’t have to do it alone.”

“What?” Cindy turned to him abruptly.

Derek shrugged like it was no big deal.

“If there’s anything I can do to help, count me in. I’m not leaving you alone, Cindy. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Cindy watched him wide-eyed, his words playing on a loop in her head.

The debt was paid. Now, when she least expected, and in the way she literally least expected, the universe had paid his debt and granted her what she deserved. What it owed her. A single soul who cared.

“Okay,” she replied, not trusting her voice to rise above a whisper.

Derek squeezed her hand and Cindy rested her head on his shoulder. The two of them were playing with fire, dancing with the flames and they were bound to get burned. But Cindy closed her eyes and welcomed the heat, thinking that the universe has really twisted way of bringing you face to face with what you want and never knew you needed.

 

Hey, you guys! Sorry this chapter was so short, but we’re close to the end, and any more would’ve already been too much. So. DO YOU SHIP IT ALREADY? I ship the hell out of it. Two more chapters to go!

Any favorite chapter/line/scene so far? Lemme know.

Love you, guys,

xoxo

 

19: Chapter 18: If I die young

CHAPTER 18 – IF I DIE YOUNG

Cindy stood in front of her old childhood house.

Black dress, hair pulled back into a ponytail at the base of her neck, red lips, high heels, a silent Derek by her side. And dry eyes. Somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to shed a tear for her dead father, and even if she had been be able to, she wouldn’t have allowed herself to do so on principle.

Derek let her have her time and space and simply stood there, his hands stuffed in his pockets, until he noticed that her cheeks went pale and her lower lip was trembling slightly. He tentatively drew a finger over her knuckles and she didn’t hesitate before taking his hand.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly, although it was so clear she wasn’t.

She drew in a shaky breath. “No,” she admitted. “Not even remotely close. I want this to end so that I can put everything behind me. Let’s get this over with.”

Fingers intertwined, they walked inside the house. They had a funeral to plan.

 

***

Derek was there for her all the way through it, and Cindy couldn’t be more grateful for it. While she hadn’t had any type of feeling other than utter repulsion towards her father, this was a painful process. She wasn’t just burying Tom Bennett, hardly a human being, hardly worth calling a father or a husband. She was burying little Cinderella, too, like he used to call her back when she actually believed there was a part of him capable of loving.

If you want to rise from the ashes, you need to set yourself on fire first. Cindy just hoped she was ready. And if she wasn’t, she just hoped she could hand the matches to Derek.

“Hey,” he came behind her as if summoned by her thoughts, dropping a hand on her shoulder. “How are you holding up?”

Cindy rolled her eyes. He knew what it all meant to her and she found it in her to be honest and open enough with him to let him in on every bit of her soul, on every little feeling that suffocated her. But at some point, it had really gotten annoying.

“Derek, I’m,” she sighed, forcing a smile for his sake. “I’m seriously pissed off right now. Stop pampering me.”

“Right,” he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Are you, though?”

She turned to him and tried to glare, but it came off more as a scowl.

“No,” she replied for the hundredth of time. “Ask again in five minutes. Though to save you time, I bet the answer will still be no.”

Derek shot her a small smile and tucked a strand of hair beneath her ear. He felt so helpless, standing around and not being able to do anything to make her feel better. He understood she needed to work through all those feelings by herself and to feel cleansed of whatever residue of regret there was still left in her. It just bugged him to not be able to make it easier on her.

“Thank you, Derek,” she whispered, her voice breaking a little, and Derek blinked. “Thanks for everything. I couldn’t have done any of this without you; I would’ve been too much of a coward. But you were here every step of the way, and I think you made me a little braver.”

Derek shrugged sheepishly, trying to brush everything off, but it was clear by the beginning of a small smug smile on his lips that he was happy to have played any role whatsoever in the process.

“Told ya,” he replied. “I’m not leaving you. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

Cindy smiled sadly and took his hand. “I know. Quite the plot twist.”

Derek chuckled and put his arms around her, and Cindy sniffed. She hated that she was so weak. It was as if every tear she’d refused to shed over the years was now over-flooding and she just would not stop crying. She hated this so badly.

“Hey.”

At the voice he heard behind him, Derek pulled away from Cindy turned around, and both of them looked shocked at Ray having made an appearance.

“Ray,” Cindy whispered, her eyebrows shooting up.

Ray tried a small smile. “It’s a nice change from the Ray-Ray.”

His joke didn’t catch, because neither of them spoke, before Cindy broke the silence.

“What—What are you doing here?”

“Derek told me about your dad. I thought I’d come pay my respects. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Cindy glared at Derek, who scratched the back of his neck with guilt glued to his expression, but she just sighed and turned to Ray.

“I’m not. And you wasted your time,” she spoke bitterly. “The man deserved no respect.”

Ray frowned for a moment, before her words registered into his head and he put two and two together.

“Oh,” he mumbled awkwardly. “My bad. Then I came to be here for you. In case you needed a friendly face. Not that… Not that my face is friendly or that we are particularly friends because I know we haven’t exactly been… I mean, but you—“

Cindy actually chuckled, and Derek paused his internal cringing at his best friend’s rambling to appreciate the sound of it. Well, at least Ray had accomplished the un-accomplishable.

“I get it, Ray,” she smiled at him. “No bad blood. Thank you for coming.”

Ray nodded once and pursed his lips. With all of that put behind them, Cindy turned to Derek with an exhausted look on her face, and Ray noticed dark circles under her eyes. Whatever had went on between her and her dad, whether she was sorry or not for his death, this was really taking its toll on her.

“Let’s go,” Cindy told Derek. “It’s time.”

Derek nodded and she went ahead, leaving the two friends behind. With Cindy gone, Derek put a hand on Ray’s shoulder and sighed.

“That was painful, mate,” he said, and Ray let out a small chuckle. “Glad to have you back, Raymond.”

Ray sighed and glared at Derek’s use of his full name. “Nice to know nothing’s changed in my absence.”

“You’ve been gone like half an hour,” Derek narrowed his eyes. “At the very most. And to be honest, I saw it coming. I had my money on how you’d never even make it out of Seattle.”

“Huh,” Ray clicked his tongue. “So that’s why you didn’t sound too surprised on the phone.”

Derek chuckled, but grew serious in a matter of seconds.

“How come you show up here, though?” he questioned, and Ray ran a hand through his hair.

“It seemed like a nice thing to do. I started feeling bad for the way we’ve treated Cindy for so many years. And losing a parent is something I relate to. It’s devastating no matter how you put it, and even though Cindy and her dad didn’t get along, I wouldn’t wish this to anybody.”

Derek pursed his lips and clenched his fists, and Ray was surprised to see a ferocity in his best friend he had never seen before, a protectiveness and fierceness he hadn’t thought him capable of. Derek was a puppy. Looking at him now, he looked like a wolf ready to rip apart whoever hurt Cindy.

“Yeah, well,” he spoke through his teeth. “This ain’t Cindy’s first rodeo. Her mom died when she was a teenager. And to say she and her dad didn’t get along is this year’s understatement.”

“Oh,” Ray’s eyes widened. “I didn’t---“

“Let’s go,” Derek cut him off. “Time to go bury world’s greatest douche.”

 

***

The funeral wasn’t much. Tom Bennett hadn’t had any friends. And those he had were probably passed out drunk somewhere. Cindy didn’t have any close family, so it was all down to some neighbors, distant relatives and old distant friends. And Ray.

And Derek.

Cindy constantly searched his hand like she needed to keep finding something to lean on, like she needed him to ground her. And she did. Derek’s hand around hers reminded her that she had to keep her chin up. It reminded her of the sick son of a bitch lying in a coffin having dirt thrown over his dead body and it reminded her that the world could do better than that. Not once would she have to grant him a single thought. With Derek by her side, she could now begin to show the universe who Cindy Bennett was and that she’d be back in black to claim what it owed her.

So Cindy closed her eyes. She breathed in and then out. She opened her eyes and, with one last look at her father’s grave, she let go.

 

***

“What now?”

Ray and Cindy turned to look at Derek. They were all sitting on the front porch of Cindy’s old childhood house, drinking beer. Cindy couldn’t wait to sell this house stinking of rotten memories. She was more than ready to get rid of everything related to her childhood. She was ready to move on. And she’d been waiting to do that for a long time.

“What do you mean?” she asked Derek.

“I mean, what now? I wasn’t unaware I said it in Klingon.”

 “Nerd,” Ray mumbled under his breath and Cindy glared.

“Excuse you,” she punched his shoulder lightly. “This front porch is nerd-reserved only. Feel free to let yourself out.”

Ray chuckled and took a sip of his beer.

This felt right, Cindy thought. She felt clean. She felt free. And if she searched deep down, she’d find that she had even forgiven her parents. She let go of the blame now that there was no one left to point it at, and she learned that blame had been her shackles all this time.

“Now,” she started answering Derek’s question. “Now I can start being okay. I finally have a nice job, my dream job, really. There’s nothing holding me back anymore. The only direction is forward.”

She sighed, and the boys listened to her carefully, letting her have her moment. Eventually, she turned to Derek.

“And you?” she smiled up at him. “What now? Where to?”

He smiled sheepishly and brought his shoulders up, and Cindy was delighted to catch glimpse of flushed cheeks. If anything, one of her greatest accomplishments was having made Derek McCarter blush his ears off.

“I figured forward might be a good way to go,” he mumbled under his breath, then cleared his throat and looked Cindy square in the eyes. “With you. If you’ll have me, that is.”

He shrugged it like it was no big deal, but Cindy knew better. She saw through it. So she blinked away tears, happy tears, and squeezed his hand.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” she replied, and they smiled at each other.

“Still here, fellas,” Ray called when he noticed that they were so absorbed in each other, and the two of them chuckled. “You guys are gross.”

Cindy rested her head on Derek’s shoulder, feeling as if bits and pieces were falling into place.

“What about you, Ray-Ray?” Cindy teased him with the old nickname. “What’s next for you?”

Ray sighed and she noticed his eyes growing a little darker.

“I’m not sure,” he replied, his voice grave. “I screwed up my career, mostly. I screwed up things with Sky. So perhaps fixing these two things might be a good start.”

Cindy pursed her lips. “You know, if it hadn’t been for your little rude girlfriend, Derek and I wouldn’t have found each other.”

Derek smiled. “That’s true. To think I could’ve gone my whole life not knowing you’re a genius hack girl and that all there is to you are pink cardigans and lip gloss.”

Cindy glared. “For the thousandth time, computer engineer and hacker are not the same thing.”

“Whatever,” Derek teased, and she ruffled his hair playfully.

She never would have seen this coming. Not four months ago, not ever. She never would’ve fathomed that Derek would end up playing such a vital role in her life and that she’d have beer with Ray like two friends without things being awkward.

“Cheer up, Ray-Ray,” she smiled at him.’

“I hate you guys and your stupid nickname addiction.”

Cindy chuckled. “Life’s short, cowboy. You’ll figure stuff out. You’ll get the girl and the job. Whatever girl, whatever job. There’s time.”

They all stayed silent, letting Cindy’s words sink in. It was quite a paradox. Life was short, too short to waste your time for things that aren’t worth it. And yet, there was more than enough time for those things to settle. Eventually, Cindy was the one who broke the silence.

“But what if there isn’t?” she spoke, and the boys watched her curiously. “What if there weren’t time? What if this were the last moment we’re granted? Last beer, last sunset, last conversation? What would be your greatest regret, greatest accomplishment, what would be the one thing you’d want to do before sinking into oblivion?”

Neither of them answered, looking at Cindy curiously.

“Wow,” Derek spoke eventually. “When did you get so morbid?”

Cindy rolled her eyes. “Just answer the damn question, McCarter.”

But it wasn’t Derek who spoke. Instead, Ray took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“My greatest regret is not telling my mom I love her enough,” he confessed. “I don’t think she’ll ever be able to comprehend how grateful I am for raising us all by herself after losing the love of her life. I don’t think I’d ever have the strength. Best thing that happened to me?” He snorted. “Carpooling with Sky. Man, that girl can rap. And if I had five more minutes before I go,” he paused for a minute, biting his lip, before answering. “The last thing I’d wanna do is finish that goddamn book I haven’t been able to read a single sentence of ever since I met Sky.”

Cindy and Derek laughed, but it held more meaning than they’d know. He loved Sky. He loved her like crazy. But he loved her so much that he allowed her to take things from him, bits of himself that weren’t hers to take. Sky deprived him of being what made him Raymond Cartwright. Not her Ray of Sunshine. Like reading. The fact that he hadn’t been able to read since he’d met her only showed a weakness that was rooted in the fact that falling for her had him so far gone.

“Well, fuck this,” Derek swore. “Let’s see what I’ve got. My greatest regret is not acting on that crush I had on you, Cindy. Would’ve saved us lots of trouble.”

They both laughed. That was an understatement. They’d wasted ten years, give or take, and they’d gotten Ray involved as a means for Cindy to get to Derek. Really twisted story.

“Greatest accomplishment,” Derek continued pensively. “Hmm. Having the same girl in my bed three times in a row.”

Cindy slapped his shoulder and he winked at her, so she soon forgot what she mad about. She was developing a dangerously fast growing soft spot for this adorable dork.

“And if I had five more minutes, I’d spend them here with you,” he stated simply. “Your hair matches the sunset, so it seems like a nice picture to keep in mind before going.”

Cindy bit her lip against her smile. Definitely a soft spot. Next to them, Ray groaned.

“Derek McCarter making color analogies. Now I’ve seen it all. Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

Derek scoffed at him like a kindergarten toddler. “Shut up. It’s Cindy’s turn.”

Cindy thought about it. Regrets, accomplishments. It had been a rather spontaneous idea, but she hadn’t really put too much thought into it. In hindsight, it seemed silly to think about these things. Those little momentums were rather insignificant in the big picture.

“I don’t have regrets,” she stated. “I’m done living in the past. And I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am now that I like to see all I’ve done as a small accomplishment, each greatest than the previous one.” She kept the part about making Derek blush to herself, though. He’d have denied it anyway, and Ray would have never let them hear the end of it.

Derek and Ray looked at her surprised, her confession making perfect sense and sounding much too wise for a 20-something young woman. They had the feeling it had way too much to do with the fact that life had been rather cruel towards Cindy.

Eventually, Derek broke the silence.

“What about last thing you want to do?”

She smiled playfully, a dangerous smirk curving her lips before leaning in to his ear and whispering some things that made Derek reluctant to move a muscle, his face unreadable and livid. But by the way Cindy looked so proud afterwards and by the lack of a reaction from a constantly shifting person like Derek, Ray just knew.

“Ew,” he exclaimed, standing up. “Ew, ew, ew. Disgusting. That’s my cue. See you later. Oh God. I’ll never be able to unsee this.”

He left and made his way to the car, leaving Derek gulping and Cindy throwing her head back laughing behind him.

After a few minutes of Cindy still giggling occasionally, they sunk into a comforting silence. She rested her head on Derek’s shoulder and he had an arm around her, and words were no longer needed.

“Are you okay?” Derek asked eventually, and Cindy took her time seeking an answer within herself.

“No,” she raised her head, looking at him and smiling warmly. “But I will be.”

Derek returned her smile and glanced quickly at her lips. That was her cue. Her smile widening, she put her arms around his neck and closed the gap between them, crashing their lips together. And it was the most intense kiss she’d ever experienced, slow, chaste, breathless. They took their time discovering each other, finding a common pace, their hands learning each other’s lines of their bodies by heart and Cindy’s fingers ended up at the hair at the base of his neck while Derek buried his in her red curls.

And when they broke the kiss for air, gasping happily, Cindy realized this was their real first kiss. No hook up involved. And while they’d made the decision of giving it a shot and Derek had been anything but reserved when it came to touching her, he’d still given her space and hadn’t dared to kiss her. For some reason, Derek McCarter, former player, former ladies’ man, had done her the privilege of falling for her. And she was slowly falling for him in return.

Cindy leaned in for another kiss. Yes. She definitely had to thank Sky for this.

 

Hang in there, folks. Two more. Cindy and Derek got theirs, let’s see what we can do about those other two dorks, shall we?

Lots of love,

xoxo

20: Chapter 19: Already gone

CHAPTER 19 – ALREADY GONE

The hands of the clock never stop moving. Time never stands still. That which could’ve been and never was is but a dead point suspended in a cruel never-tiring machine and you wave it goodbye as you pass by it. Because the clock never stops ticking. And one plus one never ends up equaling two if the equal is swallowed in a worm hole.

 

***

Sky raised her hand and knocked twice. She took a deep breath. This was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. She pictured her guitar sitting in a corner of her room back at home. She imagined she willingly ripped its strings. She imagined hearing the sound they made as they broke. Ripping Ray out of her heart was incomparably more painful.

But she had to. This had to be done, for it had never been meant to happen. She and Ray, they’d been a glitch. A loophole. And now she had to fix it.

He’d never been hers to claim.

 

***

“Sky.”

Ray gulped when he opened the door and she stood in front of him, gnawing on her bottom lip nervously. He didn’t know what to say to her. And it looked like she wouldn’t have known what to reply, anyway.

“Hi,” she murmured eventually, running a hand through her blond hair. “Can I come in?”

He moved aside for her to step inside, his heart humming at her sight and proximity. But she barely cast him a second glance as she looked around the room, her eyes roaming everywhere but on him. It was as if her eyes were shy to linger on him for too long, afraid they were to fall captive once again. Which was absurd. Ray had always been the one to fall captive to the endless horizon her blue eyes held.

Eventually, Sky took a deep breath and turned on her heels to face him, as if she’d finally made up her mind to say what she’d come here to say.

“You shouldn’t have come back,” she stated, and Ray’s heart shrunk. He forced a sad smile.

“You saying it repeatedly won’t make it sting any less, you know. It’s a flawed mechanism, though I appreciate the intention.”

Sky sighed in exasperation.

“I am not joking, Ray. You don’t get it. I can’t live carrying the guilt that you blew your best shot just so that you could come back seeking something that I don’t have.”

Ray shook his head and, in two giant steps, he closed the distance between them and cupped her face in his hands, resting his forehead on hers.

“I don’t care,” he whispered, his warm breath tickling her lips. “I don’t care. You’re my best shot. And I only want you.”

She unwrapped herself from his arms and put the distance back between them. Ray noticed a few tears tickling in the corner of her eyes. It made no sense. Why was she here, then? Why wasn’t she willing to go back from where they’d left it, now that he was back?

“I told you, you don’t get it,” she whispered back. “I’m not any of that. I’m not in any way what you make me to be, Ray. I am broken. I am far gone, more that you’ll ever know, more than you can understand.”

“Then make me understand,” he shouted, then he took a second to calm down and lowered his voice back to a whisper, because he didn’t trust it enough to handle this conversation. “Please. Help me understand. I came back for you, Sky. I… I thought this… I thought you wanted me, too.”

Sky let out a humorless laugh that half-terrified Ray, and she gripped her hair as she paced back and forth.

“You think this is what it’s all about?” she raised her voice. “You think it’s because I don’t want you? Ray, I was here that morning. I missed you by a few minutes. I wanted you back, and when I realized you were gone, it damn near destroyed me. I love you. I have missed you so much it made me go out of my freaking mind. But I can’t do this. Seeing you at my door that day, it made me realize it. I can’t go on. I let it go on for too long.”

She turned her back on him and Ray simply stared. He wasn’t sure what was going on. He heard her say she loved him, but she heard her say she was ending it. Which one was he supposed to believe?

He moved slowly, carefully, as if afraid he might scare her away, until he stood behind her, and then he gripped her shoulders, but she just shrugged off his hands. He didn’t attempt it a second time, so he just chocked on air until he managed to get the words out.

“Why?” he whispered. “What are you saying? If you love me, what did you let go on for too long? Us? I wasn’t aware of the fact that we had an expiration date.”

She turned to face him, and Ray noticed the tears streaming down her face.

“Neither did I,” she confessed, and he wiped away the tears.

“Then who says we do? Sky, please, don’t make me lose you. At least give me a reason. An explanation. Anything. It doesn’t have to be like this.”

She looked like she wanted to say something more, but changed her mind at the last minute and, instead, she leaned in and placed a kiss on Ray’s lips. Her kisses used to knock the sense out of him. Used to take him high and low and wide and high again. But this kiss was bitter, this kiss was filled with words she couldn’t say, with memories they hadn’t made yet and would never make, with those memories they had together that still felt too good to be true.

But they stayed locked in that kiss, because Ray was afraid to let her go, afraid she’d vanish into thin air the second he stopped touching her, and she was afraid of the moment she’d have to walk out the door and out of his life.

She’s with me.

Since when do heroes come with side-parted hairstyles?

You do look like a ray of sunshine.

You get to make me be whoever you want me to be.

Lead the way.

Now shut up and dance with me, Ray of Sunshine.

Her kiss took him back to the start, back to where she was an intriguing stranger who took his hand and led him to the dance floor, back to when they were victims of the night, back before she made Ray question whether he was falling in love with a phantom, with wishful thinking rather than a person.

You may come across as a shy, boring nerd, Ray of Sunshine. But I can see through you. In here lies a heart on fire.

He’d never found out whether she’d been right that night. But even if she hadn’t, he was pretty sure she’d made sure to set his heart on fire just to prove a point.

Shall we?

For us, rain is like coming home.

Sky is the limit.

Let’s let the night seal this one for us, Ray.

I can’t promise you tomorrow, Ray.

But she’d given him plenty of tomorrows. Plenty of nights. No daylight. And now, she was ready to take those tomorrow away from him, too.

Dance with me, Sky.

“Dance with me, Sky.”

He’d said it then, and he said it now. A beautiful, painful symmetry. A perfect epilogue to a perfect prologue. And with a sad smile and tears on her cheeks, Sky took her rightful place in his arms like they had been shaped for her silhouette, and they danced again, teary cheek to teary cheek.

I really want to kiss you right now.

You’re shivering.

She was still shivering. It had been from the cold then, perhaps. Not now, it wasn’t.

I should go.

“I should go.”

She’d said it then, and she said it now. But she didn’t move this time. They stayed embraced, the only dance going on now was their hearts beating in sync. And somehow, Sky’s heart was still always one heartbeat ahead.

Count to ten, and I’ll be gone.

He’d lost count now. He’d hoped so badly that this would trick her into staying. It hadn’t worked. She was still going. Always gone. Already gone.

Goodbye, Ray of Sunshine.

And yet, it hadn’t been goodbye. In fact, their whole relationship had been a collection of unfruitful goodbyes. But then, why did this one feel so permanent?

Dreadful weather, isn’t it?

I’ve been looking for you.

I’m quite the fan of the random and hazardous.

I didn’t catch your name.

I didn’t say.

The promise her smile had held. He kissed her temple and got lost in the memories playing in a loop in front of their eyes.

You’re not walking out on me. Not again.

And she had. Repeatedly. And he couldn’t stop it. And she was doing it again. And it felt real now.

You can’t offer me the sky and pretend it’s not enough.

Lead the way. I’ll follow.

I will make you fall in love with me. I will sweep you off your feet so badly. I will show you how well our pieces fit together. I will make your heart race.

And he had. He’d made good on his promise. He’d given her everything and then more.

All in?

All in.

All in. He’d been all in. And she was taking it all with her on her way out. His all hadn’t been enough.

Are you even real?

I’m scared that at some point, I’ll blink and you’ll be gone and I’ll have realized I had made you up inside my head.

But was she? Had he?

I incite storms for a living.

I just need to say it. Just once. And you need to hear it just once.

I love you.

We’re not gonna make it. It’s gonna end, and it’s not gonna be pretty.

It wasn’t. It was ending, and they hadn’t made it, and it was ugly and full of tears and questions and bitterness.

For now, I’m happy with being your present.

We’ve got three months to be whoever we want to be.

I could give you a million reasons why we belong in the daylight.

You don’t have to find your way back to me, Ray.

Hell, I’d stay for even the shadow of a whisper.

There hadn’t even been that. Not even the shadow of a whisper. He’d stayed for less. For nothing. Because he thought she was worth fighting for. He hadn’t counted on her not wanting to fight for him.

I came back for you. I couldn’t leave you.

Please, Ray, leave.

You should have left.

Goodbye, Ray.

“Goodbye, Ray.”

She unwrapped herself from his arms and moved past him.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Two heartbeats and a half.

He caught her wrist and crashed their bodied together, kissing her like she’d never been kissed, hungry and desperate and needy because he needed her to stay. Eventually, they broke the kiss, gasping for air, and he searched her eye for the smallest shadow of a doubt he could work with to just convince her to not walk out that door.

He didn’t find any.

She was still going.

Always going.

Always gone.

Already gone.

“Stay,” he whispered helplessly, though he knew it was in vain.

“You have to let me go, Ray,” she whispered against his lips, closing her eyes.

“But I don’t know how.”

She ran her hands across his face, as if she wanted to tattoo his face on her fingerprints, and eventually buried them in his hair and pressed her lips against his temple before moving them next to his ear.

“Imagine that you never met me,” she whispered. “Think of it as if I’d never walked into your life. Let me be just the bitter shadow of what could’ve been.”

“Sky—“ he tried, but her warmth was already gone from around his body, and he instantly missed it.

He wanted to tell her he couldn’t do that.

He could never forget.

He could never imagine an existence in which he wouldn’t have met her.

But before he could speak, the door closed behind her, and all that Ray was left with was the bitter shadow of what could’ve been.

 

Sorry, you guys.

Good news is, this ain’t even the worst part.

That’s good, right?

Right?

No?

Okay.

21: Chapter 20: Have I made you up inside my head?

CHAPTER 20 – HAVE I MADE YOU UP INSIDE MY HEAD?

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;

I lift my lids and all is born again.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

 

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,

And arbitrary blackness gallops in:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

 

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

 

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:

Exit seraphim and Satan's men:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

 

I fancied you'd return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

 

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;

At least when spring comes they roar back again.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

 

                                                    -Sylvia Plath, “Mad Girl’s Love Song”

 

Almost there, folks. It’ll make sense.

22: Epilogue

EPILOGUE

He was being dragged to this thing. He knew it. His friends knew it. It still didn’t stop them from dragging him to it, but he was sure he was about to despise every minute of it and Ray promised himself he’d make no effort to hide that. And that he’d drag his best buddy, Derek, to the most boring book release in return. Yeah, that’ll show him, giving him a taste of his own medicine.

But in the meantime, Ray was still being dragged to this thing. He wasn’t even entirely sure where he was being dragged to. It was Halloween, but he’d been told it wasn’t really a Halloween party. It was more like a masquerade, more like a solid excuse for chicks to play mysterious and make it easy for Derek to score. In what concerned him, Ray had drawn the line at having to wear a stupid mask. He already felt silly enough for even going in the first place.

He ran a comb through his hair to smooth it out and put on a beige jacket. This was the most effort he was willing to put into dressing up for the so-called masquerade. Christ, he couldn’t wait to come back to his cozy apartment, cook himself some pasta and finish the book he’d started earlier today. Yeah, so maybe life as a librarian was “boring as watching grass grow”, as Derek liked to put it, but Ray enjoyed it. He was a loner and he was fine with the quietness in which he constantly found himself. Unlike Derek. Loud, outgoing, reckless Derek. Their friendship, like most true friendships, was an absolute mystery.

Ray sighed and grabbed his keys, walking out the door and heading out to meet his destiny.

But his destiny never showed up.

***

GIRL CAUGHT IN A HIT-AND-RUN ON HER WAY TO HALLOWEEN MASQUERADE

A girl was involved in a hit-and-run as she was headed to a Halloween party.

The victim, a 25-year old blonde, was identified as Alison Parker. First responders took her to the hospital, where doctors tried to resuscitate her for several minutes, but her injuries were far too extended and she died from severe blood loss.

The police are looking for the driver that hit her.

 

***

~3 years later~

“Ray-Ray, hurry up, we’re gonna be late.”

Ray put on his coat and smoothed down his hair the way Cindy liked it. There had been a time when he’d have preferred it ruffled and wild, but ever since the two of them got together, he’d felt the need to be in sync with her. And that had turned them into the perfect couple.

He walked out of their bedroom and into the living room. The sight of Cindy took his breath away.

“Wow,” Ray let out a whistle. “You look… like a dream.”

Cindy threw a red curl over her shoulder and smiled sheepishly. She was wearing a red dress that showed off her gorgeous body and she batted her long lashes at her fiancée.

“You clean up well yourself, Raymond,” she winked at him.

Ray got a flash that took him aback for a moment.

“Hey,” he frowned as he put his arms around Cindy’s waist. “You know, Derek was the only one who used to call me that.”

Cindy raised an eyebrow. “Derek? McCarter? Didn’t you guys used to be best buddies back in high school?”

Ray smiled nostalgically. “Yeah. Yeah, we were.”

“What happened?” Cindy inquired, and he shrugged.

“I don’t know. Ever since that Halloween party three years ago, when he kept trying to set me up with all sorts of bimbos, things got cold. We grew apart.”

She wrinkled her nose. “I assume it had something to do with the fact that he didn’t exactly approve of me, as well?”

Ray sighed. As ashamed as he was of it, it had. Things were already bad between them back then, but when Cindy’s dad died, and Ray had showed up and had been there for her when she’d needed it the most, it dawned on him that there was more to Cindy than red curls and pink cardigans and lip gloss. And they’d gotten close. And with every inch they got closer, Derek drifted apart even more, until they eventually stopped talking.

“It doesn’t matter,” Ray shook his head, taking Cindy’s hand. “I sent him an invitation to the wedding and I really hope he’ll be there. We should get going now. They’re waiting for us.”

Cindy looked at the watch and chuckled.

“Well,” she kissed his lips chastely. “The bride and the groom are entitled to be late for their own engagement dinner.”

 

***

It was pouring outside and it was already dark. A few stars already glimmered on the clear evening New York horizon. Ray raised his head towards the sky. He found himself doing that quite often. And in many of those occasions, it felt as if the Sky stared right back at him with crystal clear eyes.

He was happy, in a way. He loved Cindy. He missed Derek at times, but he guessed high school friendships aren’t always meant to conquer time. He had the perfect job in a law firm in New York and Cindy had loved him enough to follow him. And he was about to marry the girl he loved.

Yes, he was happy. But at times, he felt as if the best thing that could’ve happened to him simply hadn’t. He still felt the bitter taste of something that could have been. Of a destiny that hadn’t showed up.

“Ray-Ray, what are you doing?” Cindy shrieked. “Get in the car, you’ll get soaked and ruin your tux.”

But he didn’t listen right away.

One heartbeat.

Two heartbeats.

Two heartbeats and a half.

He wondered if there was someone up there who incited storms for a living.

Before the third heartbeat, he got in the car next to Cindy and went on with his life.

 

~THE END~

 

Please, don’t hate me.

Please?

No?

Well, okay, hate me, then. My job here is done.

Also, PLEASE READ THIS IN CASE YOU’RE CONFUSED AS TO WHAT THE HELL HAPENED HERE.

So. Sky (a.k.a. Alison Parker. Yeah. We have a name) actually never made it to that Halloween party where she and Ray were supposed to meet. There was no love story. Basically, the whole plot has been the heart-wrenching delusion of the greatest love story that was never told. The greatest love story that could’ve been told, if two people who were meant to be together had actually met, hadn’t Sky (Alison) been killed on her way to the party. This is actually why she was so reserved throughout the whole story. Why Ray never got to learn anything about her. It was the reality striving to remind us that it was all wishful thinking, because he literally never knew her.

Also, sorry to be ruining this one for you guys as well, but, since Sky never came in Ray’s life, then she never made fun of Cindy, then Derek never got to comfort her and hook up with her, so Cinderek never became canon. But Ray still showed up for her dad’s funeral, so they ended up together.

Funny how one moment in time can wipe away an entire alternate happy ending.

 

Anyway, is it to much to still ask that you don’t hate me? No? Okay.

Well, I still love you, guys. This has been it, and it has been awesome. I loved every minute of writing it, and I hope you enjoyed every minute of reading it, too.

See ya, fellas!