I am the terrible secrets hidden in the far corners of your mind, waiting to come out and taunt you.

I am the virus twisting your reflection in the mirror, stripping you of self-confidence.

I am a thorn hiding under the leaf of a beautiful rose, waiting to break your skin.

I’m the wet tears staining your pillow at night when no one can see you crying.

I’m the voice in your head telling you that you will never be enough.

I am the bloodstains on your razor when you lose hope.

I am the demon sent to devour your soul.

I’m the monster hiding in the darkness.

I am the shadows, dark and cold.

I am the wind, icy and invisible.

I am your worst nightmare.

I am your depression.

I am your anxiety.

I am your pain.

Despair.

 

2: Hope

I am the one thing you hold on to when nothing seems to be working out.

I am the one who embraces you and gives you a reason to live.

I am the one who wraps you up in a sense of comfort.

I am the one who tells you that you are worth it all.

I am the one who will whisper love in your ears.

I am the one who will be there for you always.

I am the one who will never drag you down.

I am the one to raise you out of shadow.

I am the rainbow in the thunderstorm.

I am the smell of fresh flowers.

I am the lifeline you hold.

I am your reassurance.

I will not let you fall.

I will never leave.

I will save you.

I am Hope.

I love you.

Hold on.

Please.

Live.

Ok?

 

3: I'm Scared...

Sometimes I want to die but I’m afraid of death. Sometimes I want to cry in front of my friends so that they know I’m hurting but I’m afraid of being judged. Sometimes I want to speak my mind but I’m afraid of being rejected. Sometimes I want to run away, but I’m scared of the consequences. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I am scared to miss out on the future. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose in life is. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to die, but I’m scared to find out. Sometimes I overthink.

 

4: My Insecurities...

I think I’m beautiful. Sometimes. Not really.

I hate how my head is slightly too small for my shoulders.

It hurts to look in the mirror and notice how masculine my face really is.

I don’t want to have to worry about my frizzy hair and crooked smile

I don’t like putting myself down all the time.

I don’t like having anxiety.

I hate depression.

PTSD needs to go away. Forever.

I hate having scars on my arms. I know it’s my fault, but I would make them disappear if I could.

I always make the wrong decisions.

I’m a drama queen. I have trouble taking advice.

Whenever I try to fix things, they end up even worse.

I give advice when I can’t even handle my own problems.

I get hurt by the smallest, stupidest things.

I freak out over the tiniest things.

I have a weird laugh.

I have weird hips that annoy me out of my mind.

I have a deep, nasally voice.

I can never do things right.

I screw up. All the time.

I have a mole on the tip of my nose.

I want to be free from my insecurities

but they haunt me

and I feel trapped.

I want to feel truly beautiful.

I just can’t seem to destroy what’s destroying me.

I know God created me as His beautiful daughter, but I can’t seem to get myself to believe it.

Maybe someday I will.

I hope so…

 

5: Someday...

Someday, maybe I’ll find my place in this world. Someday, maybe I will change lives. Someday, maybe I will meet an amazing guy who loves me for who I truly am. Someday, maybe I will have a big family. Someday, maybe my fears and insecurities will leave. Someday, maybe I will overcome my anxiety and depression. Someday, maybe I will be able to walk with confidence. Someday, maybe I will accept myself. Someday needs to be today. I’m tired of waiting.

 

6: Nostalgia.

Bruised knees, ABC’s

I got lost in memories

sentimental, precious, sweet

I just wanted to be happy…

Sidewalk chalk, mismatch socks

take me back in time.

Run, don’t walk, please…

Let me turn back the clock.

Nostalgia’s taking over me and I don’t wanna fight it,

please don’t try to rescue me,

you know I really don’t mind it.

Let’s take back the life we lost,

hidden in our constant thoughts,

written on our beating hearts,

please…

Let’s go back to the start.

 

7: A prayer and a resolution

A Prayer…

Lord, please take my hand. Show me the way. Save me from fear and help me to trust in you. You know I’m not strong enough to handle this on my own. Please guide me through the dark. Take my life and lead me like a Father, a Brother, and a Savior. Please help me face my fears and overcome this.

A Resolution…

I’ve learned to put my trust in you, Lord - above all else. You hold my heart and strengthen my soul. In you, I find peace. Lord, you are my rock, my fortress, my stronghold. I know that you will always love me as your beautiful, precious daughter no matter what. I am Saint Peter, reaching for your outstretched hand and putting my trust in your love and strength. You keep my heart beating, my faith in you is endless. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve shut you out or hurt you. I love you more than anything else in the entire universe. I am yours and you are mine and we shall forever remain so.

 

8: Anxiety

It’s like wanting to fall in love but being afraid to get hurt.

It’s like wanting to die but being scared of death.

It’s the constant feeling that you’ve messed up, and no matter how many people tell you that you haven’t, you will still believe that you’ve ruined everything.

It’s being genuinely terrified that you’ve offended someone simply by being in their presence.

It’s the fear of losing everyone you love in an instant.

It’s the terror that keeps you awake at night, telling you that no one will ever love you.

Telling you that you will never be good enough.

Whispering horrible lies into your ears when only you can hear.

It’s being afraid to talk to people because you’re afraid of looking stupid.

It’s having panic attacks over the smallest things, the kind where breathing becomes difficult and you feel like screaming, crying out for help - but you’re afraid that someone might hear you.

You’re afraid of being called a wimp.

You’re afraid that no one will come help you.

You’re afraid that they will laugh at your pain.

You’re afraid of being rejected.

It’s overthinking the stupidest things until you decide that you can never make the right decision.

It’s like wanting to be on top of the world but being afraid of falling.

You want to tell people how you feel, but you just can’t because you’re terrified that they will leave you.

You think that they will reject you once you’ve let them in.

You’re scared that you will die alone, but you don’t know if you want to or not.

Part of you wants to die alone so that no one has to see you go and be left in mourning, while the other part of you wants to die surrounded by your loved ones.

It’s feeling lonely in a crowded room.

It’s being surrounded by friends and being scared that they’re only including you out of pity.

It’s being afraid that everyone around you is watching you, waiting for you to fall.

It’s wanting to run away but being terrified of being alone.

It’s looking into a mirror and seeing a twisted reflection.

It’s the constant feeling that something is out there, hunting, searching, wanting to find you only to crush you.

It’s the feeling of being watched constantly, by someone or something.

It’s looking at the dark shadows and being scared of whatever might be hiding there, but also relating to the darkness within your own conscience.

You want to go hang out with friends, but you’re scared that you will say something stupid or make things awkward.

You want to tell people how you feel, but you constantly feel like apologizing for being alive.

You feel like you have no purpose in life, that you’re just a mistake.

You want to feel alive... but you’re scared of living.

 

9: No one...

No one would ever guess that I have anxiety. I smile, I laugh, I make a fool of myself.

“How can you have anxiety? You’re such a happy person! You’re so outgoing!”

Truth is, I’m not. I’m lonely. I’m depressed. I’m scared of everything. I’ve considered suicide too many times to count. I’ve brought a blade to my wrist. I’ve wanted to run away just to see if anyone would come looking for me. I cry myself to sleep over the smallest, most insignificant things. I’m over-sensitive. I take everything personally. I overthink everything.

“Then how are you so happy and wild and fun and crazy?”

Because I don’t want people to think anything’s wrong. I want more than anything to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to feel safe, but I don’t. I can’t. I’m terrified of being around people.

“Then why are you so talkative and social?”

Because I don’t want people to think I’m antisocial. I want to be noticed, but I’m scared of it at the same time. I’m only loud and crazy because I’m nervous. My heart rate goes up and I get hyper out of fear. It’s paranoia. Constant, endless paranoia. One thing that I don’t think anyone knows - every time I get together with friends, I have fun, but I still freak out over everything. Then, I regret everything I said or did. I lay awake for nights thinking about what I should have said or done differently. I suddenly believe that everything I said or did was a mistake, that I made everything awkward. I feel like I made myself a fool, and that everyone wonders why I’m so stupid and immature. I replay everything in my head, changing everything. I rewrite everything I said, just to try and fix it. But I can’t. It’s all been said, all been done and I can’t go back. I feel like I should apologize, but I’m not sure what to apologize for. I feel so lost. I want to be okay. I want to be normal. Even if only for a single day...