The job of a sports cameraman is easy: follow the announcer, remember the rules of the game, and capture things worthy of re-watching.

Always easier said than done of course.

But I like this job, I’ve seen some crazy and fantastic things. So when I say that the Grocery Games is the wackiest game ever thought of mankind then people believe me. Thousands of volunteers, weeks of preparation, tons of money, and the best of the best are used during this event that is known to solve world wars.

That’s why they assigned me to Brian Solomon; hardest sports commentator to work with, but a good announcer. I knew he was in rare form when he came out of his car at six in the morning smelling like pumpkin spice and grape.

“Good to see you as usual,” Brian said to me dusting is purple suit with his hands, “Be sure to keep on my good side when you’re shooting.”

“Every side is your good side, Brian.” I said sighing.

“Hey- no attitude! You know I don’t like people being sassy!”

“That wasn’t sass, that was sarcasm.”

“Good, then get your equipment and let’s get this going!”

“But the games don’t begin for another four hours.”

“I need to practice my boy, now hop hop!”

And for the next four hours he practiced looking into the camera putting emphasis in making is smile big and his eyes sparkle. The first hour was completely filled with Brian practicing his opening remarks, catch-phrases, strides in his step, the way he jumps into the camera, his little victory dances, and one-liners. I felt like I was drowning in narcissism. And if that wasn’t enough,  he spent his next hour on his… makeup.

And just his makeup.

And finally the last two hours before the games he talked to the competitors coming in, getting to know them (more like he wanted them to know who he was) and talking to the owners of the stores and getting some history for the camera. I recorded their conversations for the station to edit later...

“Oh look already I’m seeing some prospective candidates for the winners!” Brian said opening the shot, “Over there I can see Bob Worth from Rome! Truly an all-American! He’s even wearing clothes with nothing but American flags on them! Let’s see if we can talk to him really quick…”

“Excuse me mister Worth!”

“WASSUP y’all, how ya doin’!?” asked the exuberant tan skinned athlete.

“Thank you, Brian Solomon, anchor of Y.E.S.S. and commentator of this year’s games! Are you excited to compete?”

“Brian Solomon?” Bob said surprised, “Aren’t you the guy who started the pink lemonade escapade-”

“Thank you Bob we’ll see you later!” and Brian suddenly walked away without another word! I wondered in the back of my mind if Brian still caught negativity from the pink lemonade escapade… and now I had my answer.

“Get over here!” I heard Brian calling. I looked around and I was shocked by a surprise! Brian had found none other than Thor and Loki, the Grocery Games’ all-time crowd favorites!

Even I am a huge fan!

These guys rarely win, but they know how to make a game great! They’re every camera man’s best day at work, never a dull moment when recording them.

“Thor and Loki as I live and breath!” Brian said happily, “It is always a pleasure to see you guys at the Great Grocery Games! How are you feeling about the competition this year?”

“Same as always I guess,” Loki replied shrugging his bony shoulders, “We’re gonna kick butt and take names, make money and get women.”

“A classy response as always from the brains behind the duo, Loki! And how about some color commentary from the muscle, Thor?”

“Thor is most excited for these games!” said Thor speaking in third person, flexing his muscles.

“Are you going to present a new invention to the food games that no year has seen before?” Brian asked.

“Thor is proud to present a new concoction for these games! Thor is not just muscle, he is also a deep thinker…”

“Can we get a hint to your new weapon?”

“Let’s just say it will be a more civil weapon from a more… civil time.”

“Ooh! Sounds like another Thor original to me. Maybe even one that will trump the Ham Grenade!”

“Nothing can trump the Ham Grenade! It was too young! Down with the system!” Thor shouted in a sudden rage.

“Great now, you’ve got him angry,” Loki sighed, “You’d better get out of here…”

“Uh… Right, see ya!” Brian and I briskly walked away while the shouts of outrage from Thor quickly became distanced. In case you didn’t know, the Ham Grenade is a bottle of coke and mentos stuffed inside a ham. You wouldn’t think much of it, but Thor found a way to increase the explosion without any extra means.  The weapon was so violent and extreme the corporation outlawed it to be made in the games.

“Look there are some upstarts from Elberton! Hey Elberton folk!”

“Uh, hi?” Said the young fellow standing next to his friend with long dark dreads.

“Hi there, I’m uh… Brian! And who are you two?”

“Uh, I’m Doug. Doug Neville. I’m only here because my boss said he saw potential in me and wanted to help me realize it or something… But he also told me he’d give me money for winning so I’m in it for the money. And this is my good buddy Emmanuel!”

Emmanuel stood silent looking at my camera with a bored and upset expression on his face.

“Is there something wrong with him?” Brian asked.

“Nah, Emmanuel doesn’t talk much… in fact he doesn’t really talk at all. He only talks to me in like… one word sentences…”

“Is this true young sir?”

Emmanuel stood silent again, only staring at the camera. I was beginning to feel… scared...

“Told you.” Doug said.

“So I see, but how exciting! Clearly you guys are the underdog here at this competition!”

“The underdogs?”

“Yes of course! You’re just here for the money and clearly have the biggest chance of losing!”

“Well sheesh when you put it that way I-”

“Perfect! What a story this will make; I Brian Solomon have decided to follow you and showcase the games from your perspective and the people at home watching will surely stay tuned to root for you or boo for you!”

“Are you with us or against us?”

“Come athletes, let’s go and meet your competition; after this commercial break!”

_____*_____

I set down the camera immediately and protested to Brian about his insane idea to follow the two boys.

“I’m not so sure your insane idea to follow the two boys will keep ratings up enough for the station.”

“The station can kiss my grits! They hired me to do what I want because they know I’m a genius! And I say the view for this years Great Grocery Games will be the following of two upstarts who are clearly out of their league! It will either be a great story of victory, or be the laughing stock of an entire nation! Tell that to your station! Either way I get paid and get to talk as much as I want!”

“Underneath all of that you have a valid point…” I said in reply.

“See? Genius! Now hurry up and get ready, we’re following Doog and Samuel to the Food Fight Pit!”

“It’s Doug and Emanuel, Brian.”

“Whatever.”

__*__

And at long, long last, it was finally time for the big games to begin! The crowd of fans were gathering quickly inside the store to find theirs seats and spend the first day watching the first big event while eating food, buying merchandise of the competitors, and destroying the bathrooms.

Brian quickly ran to me with his microphone shouting crazily at me. Things like he was ready to begin and that my camera should have been ready to go already. I sighed as I hoisted the camera up to my shoulder.

“Alright let’s do this! The biggest event of the year! Are you ready?”

“I’m ready Brian! And rolling!”

“Greetings and thumbs up to you fellow watchers who decided to stay home at watch this from the comfort of your couch!!”

Did he just insult the crowd? I thought to myself.

“My name is Brian Solomon and I am your host for this years’ Great Grocery Games! Once again the time will come to see who will come out on top and be named the greatest bag boy of them all! Today in the state of Georgia we will spectate the statewide stores of Stock-and-Bag here in in glorious Bigpond. It is here that all contestants are joining together under one roof from all over! Vidalia, Atlanta, Macon, Savannah, and even Rome!”

“As with every year there will be three great rounds of games for the competition: The Food Fight Pit, The Wacky Delivery Truck Race, The Warehouse Maze, and finally the Great Store Super Special Showdown!”

Yes that is the name of the last round...

“So let’s go inside and check out the competition! Look at this industrial sized grocery store! I see they went all out again this year; not only is this a tip-top store with everything you would buy, it also has the arenas and the attractions ready for this year’s games! I don’t know about you folks but I am excited!”

“Let’s go find our two upstarts!”

We located and followed the two young men over to what Stock-and-Bag calls the Food Fight Pit. It’s an enormous model of a grocery store set up like any normal city market. The shelves are stocked with every real food item from the vegetables to the dairy products.

Even pharmaceuticals and animal food!

“And... welcome back viewers!” Brian screamed into the mic, “We’re just about to get ready for the first main event; Food Fight Pit!”

As he said that the crowd erupted in cheers and clapping and screaming and throwing food. All of the contestants were coming out to the field to meet and prepare. They were all dressed in appropriate Stock-and-Bag uniforms.

“And look at our fine representatives of Stock-and-Bags finest! Everyone from qualifying stores are walking out now to the middle of the arena where they will meet the referees before the game!”

“Now for those of you watching don’t know or need a refresher the food fight pit game works like this: It’s a huge food fight across the entire store against the players and…”

“The incredibly ravenous free-food seeking customers!”

“All of the contestants score points based on hitting other players and the hundreds of customers looking for anything for free, so they can capture you and if you’re captured you will suffer a time out penalty and that will prevent you from scoring. The more points they get, the better chance at being a top scorer for this round!

“But that’s not all! The players can rack up some serious points if they are stylish or imaginative with the way they attack and score points! And the possibilities are only limited by the imagination of the player! And if that wasn’t enough!” Brian knelt down out of the sight of the camera then came back up wearing a safety hat, “I’m down in the arena to get the best action shots possible!”

Which meant I was going inside the pit too...

“Let’s go join our underdogs before the bell!”

He ran towards the stairs leading to the arena in a hustle, ad it was only natural that I was right behind him, being careful not to drop my camera.

I was sincerely proud of myself in this moment for putting shorts on this morning! Otherwise all this running around would have chafed…

We reached the inside, quickly passing the guards who were befuddled by our approach, and even more befuddled by our entry to the games that they just scratched their heads and didn’t follow us.

It’s a good thing we were just the media!

Brian found the two from Elberton quickly, almost as if he smelled them out. They were by the magazine aisle reading some video game related periodical.

“Hey you two! Ready for the fight?”

“Huh?” Doug said in reply acting as if not noticing Brian and I standing in front of them, “Sure I guess, I mean it’s just a food fight…”

“Yes but the style and the creativity! Those are what will help you win! Do you guys have any cool, retro, awesome, neat looking things you’ll create?”

“Well I wanted to create a Pea Shooter, but Emanuel says that won’t be good enough he wants to create a-”

“Ham Grenade…” Said Emanuel finally!

Oh dear Magtroid, not the Ham Grenade… I thought to myself.

“Ah the gentle giant doth speak!” Brian shouted, “But you know the Ham Grenade was outlawed back in 2002!”

Emanuel was silent again staring at Brian.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Well he really doesn’t care about it being outlawed. This is our only Grocery Games so he wants to see it used anyway.”

“But if he does then that could lead him to suspension!”

“Yeah… But he never cares about being suspended. He’s been suspended seven times at our store for punching the manager, and he hasn’t left yet!”

“Why did he punch the manager seven times?”

“He really hates our manager…”

“Why?”

“Nobody knows…” Doug said in a spooky tone.

“How… intriguing… Brian said as if he read it from a script, “I hope our viewers-”

FINAL CALL FOR THE GAME TO BEGIN IN THIRTY SECONDS

The call came from the intercom over our heads. The cheers went up again, some of the contestants were running around the aisle we were standing in,  and the lights were changing colors above us for spectacular effect.

And Doug and Emanuel kept reading their magazines…

“Brian!” I called to him.

“What is it?” he said while applying more cologne.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea to follow these guys… They’re the least amount of interested I’ve ever seen in anyone!”

“Oh calm down! They’ll liven up once the pressure is on!”

“I’m not so sure about that…”

“Well then it’s a good thing you’re only supposed to film the action! I’m the genius here, so get to filming!”

I sighed in submission, “Fine, genius, have it your way…” I put up the camera and focused it on the two from Elberton, talking to each other about some game they were pointing at in the pages.

TWENTY SECONDS…

I began to think… Maybe these guys are pulling a facade. Maybe as soon as they get attacked they’ll suddenly leap into action with whatever they can grab and skillfully take out their opponents with simple items instead of some extravagant concoction.

Yes! That must be it! These guys were chosen by their store because they play the simpleton, but on the inside are two harden experienced gamers who are experts that these games have never seen before!

TEN SECONDS…

I should have never doubted Brian! I said to myself, finding a bit of awe and wonder at the eye this man held for finding secret treasures such as Doug and Emanuel. If not skill then he has the dumbest luck I’ve ever seen-

BEGIN!

And there it was! The buzzer to begin the game to all games! The crowd went crazy, I began looking all around with my camera looking for attackers and signs of fighting.

Already I could hear the trashing of cans, the splatter of juices and creams, the screams of warriors and the cries of victims! I could hear Brian dramatizing it all and in great allegory and poetry express what it felt like to be in this situation, and he was really good at it!

And then I looked to Doug and Emanuel!

To find them running away screaming in fear...