From the first hello
I knew you would be dangerous to me
Your charming hello
Hid the heartbreaking goodbyes that would follow long behind

From that first meeting
I fell hard
I fell fast
I didn't know
How could I understand
How you would come
To torture my girlish
Heart

From your charming hello
I should have seen
The danger that would follow
What I thought could have been

2: Fallen

I was lost

Lost on my own little drug;

It was poisoning me and I didn't care

I was so high on love

I thought I was flying in the air

Then you pulled me down and I lost it all;

Friends, love, you all watched me fall

When you caught me I was so mad that I

Didn't see the favor you did me

Because it wasn't enough to reverse

The damage that was caused.

You made me think I was on solid ground,

But then I found myself flat on the ground

Before I even knew I was falling.

Now you can't heal my bones and wounds

They're etched into my heart and skin

Forever.

And I'm stuck healing them on my own

Because now my friends are miles away

The connection's broken

And I can't even get a dial tone.

You keep saying you're sorry.

Maybe I'll call back when I believe you.

3: Always You

You're the cause of all my anguish

You're the reason for my hurt

You've hurt me too many times

It's a vicious circle

We go nowhere, but the same old game repeats

Every time

I'm always the one left hurt

Do you even care anymore?

I'm still chasing my tail; going nowhere fast

You've moved on to a new treat

I'm left forgotten

Is this my punishment for loving you?

I promised myself you'd never make me cry again

Yet here I sit, bleeding my love out for you

I know it was all just a game to you

But each time I see you two, it hurts

And though I try my hardest to forget you

Each time the razor breaks the skin

Each drop of blood that falls from my vein

Is a reason I should hate you

The number of scars on my arms and heart

Are the reasons I love you

This love is taking over me

I can't breathe anymore

I can't speak

No matter how hard I try

It never gets easier

They're all tired of listening to it day after day

So I keep it to myself

After all

I probably deserve it. I should never have let you get so close

I should have never let you take my heart

Now I just want it back so I can stop the hurt

Please just stop the hurt

It's killing me

And I still can't let go

Please just let me go

4: Somehow I'll Make It Through

(I love you)

I used to cry every night

(why?)

Brown cotton

Stained by salty tears

I loved you

(oh god I loved you…)

I had no one to turn to

(who wouldn't hate me for what I did to my best friend?)

So I slit it all out

Every time

The pain cut

The blood trickled

I saw deep, life-giving red

I remembered why I loved you

But everything has to come to an end

Right love?

You're happy with her now

Aren't you?

It's good

I meant it when I said

I'm happy for you

Really, I am

She did what I couldn't

You love her enough

To stop

I'll admit I'm a bit jealous

I wish I could have been that girl

The one you loved enough to stop your bad habits

Illegal, even

That used to be part of my fuel

You know

I wondered

Why couldn't I be enough?

If I was…

Maybe they wouldn't have hated you so much

Especially her

If you were more mature

Did you know she would have talked to you?

Hell

She might even have

Become friends again

You made her cry too

I've seen it

I held her while she cried for the both of us

Over you

What makes you so special?

You were a total loser

Why were we so drawn?

Why have we wasted so many tears

(so many cuts)

Over you?

Why did we both have to fall for you?

But you know

Things are better now

I won't waste anymore tears

Crying over you

(no more cuts)

You know

It never would have worked out anyway

So the knife will go away

I'll dab my eyes

At least for now

Thanks for talking to me

I will always love you

I can tell that even you know that

(you told me it was useless

but how can I stop?)

But I can't let that stop me

Thanks for talking to me

Why was I so hesitant?

Now I can finally walk tall

The weight that was once there

Is gone

How cliché…

But it's amazing

I don't need you anymore

And I finally see

Maybe it was her

I loved her too, you know

I needed to get over you

And she was there

Oh God, I love her too

But parents always seem to be the calamity in these matters

Now I know how you felt

It's funny

This time it was hers

They flipped out

I don't blame them

Finding out that your daughter's not the

Straight little princess you thought she was

And has a girlfriend

How dare she, right?

How dare she fall in love

But…

That's a different matter, huh?

There I go again

My head makes no sense sometimes

Maybe that's how this was good for you

She's better for you anyhow

Sane…

I changed again, didn't I?

It was you and me…

But there Is no more you and me

So why do I keep doing this?

It's the Tango Vladimir

I can't stop dancing

Even one someone else cuts in

My turn was over long ago

She's got you riveted

But why can't I stop glancing over?

I am glad we talked though

It's helped

You were right you know

It really isn't healthy

This

Love

This

Obsession

At least the crying's stopped

At least I don't flinch at every reference to Russia

Or an unrelated Vladimir

It's toxic

But you intoxicated me

Pulled me in so thoroughly

Without even meaning to

I love you

(I always will)

But somehow

I'll make it through

(somehow… but I don't think I'll stop loving you)

5: Please Just Leave Me

A new message

It doesn't matter where

Please

Why can't you leave me alone?

I don't want you to message me anymore

You want us to be friends again

(I want us to be friends again)

But

We can't keep doing this

It's no good

Not for my health

Mentally

It'll kill me

Socially

It's suicide

You say you've changed

She believes you

I want to believe you

They won't believe you

We know you too well

She…

Well

Love blinds a person

She probably wants to believe

But as much as I want to believe

They won't

And I'll lose them again…

I can't lose them again

It will kill me

(I'm afraid of the dark

Please don't shut me in the dark again)

I can't keep dancing your sick tango

My mind can't stop turning

And it isn't good for my health

(I still love you

And it's killing me)

You know

I went months

Perfectly happy

With the resolution

I blocked you

(I left an outlet for if you ever needed me

I still love you after all)

Hoping that would be the end

Hoping I was over you

Hoping we need only pass in public

And that's that

But you made her cry again

And then you still want to be friends

I can't be friends

(God, it hurts)

Why can't you leave me alone?

Everytime

You try to talk

You message me

You say

You want to be friends

It kills me

I can't help being like this

It makes me want to crawl in a corner

Shut the door

Stare at smooth

Sharp

Inviting

Silver

Let it slip into my pale creamy skin

Let the warm

Flowing

Dark

Wonderful

Numbing

Crimson

Wipe away the warm

Fragile

Memories

Of your touch

Your kiss

Your deep

Inviting voice

Of midnight conversations

Warm pink confessions

I love you

Clear aqua tears run

Out of dark muddy eyes

Past midnight-colored proof of insomnia

One salty trail

Peeps past pallid lips

God

Why can't I get you out of my head?

I guess that's why I don't want you to message me

Because

In the end

I really don't want you to stop

6: Finally

Last night I quivered

In a sea of midnight blue

The waves crashing around me

Sang melancholy songs of despair

I wondered if I'd ever escape

From the haunting blue

And warm lavender

And hot spicy red

That surrounded my memories

Of you

And now…

The day has finally come

And I don't really know what to think

I'm thinking in clichés

Because

Of course I feel as though a weight

Has been lifted

Today I'm drifting in warm yellows

Excited oranges

Happy baby blues

Even ever-despised pinks

For the first time

In God-knows-how-long

I feel optimistic

I still love you

I suppose I always will

But for now

I know I can finally move on

Maybe we will meet again someday

But for today

It's finally goodbye

7: Missing

What's missing?

What did I do wrong?

I stare at a screen

Harsh reality hitting me

Like a bucket of ice water

Of course

It makes sense

The ignored calls

Ignored texts

Rushed hugs

Hurried meetings

Hi

SorryI'vegottogobye

Exclusion

Thepartylastnightwasawesome

Sogoodtoseeallmyfriendsthere

(why else did I have to find out the next day?)

And the

Silence…

Cold, lonely silence

I can't blame them

Who wants to put up with a psycho like me?

(I'm crazy, you know)

Nobody would miss me…

Sure, there's a few protests

Don'ttalklikethat

Ofcoursewe'dmissyou

They only say that because they

Haven't seen me break down

They've only seen the other half

Calm

Collected

Smart

Only crazy in the best ways

(A fairly normal teenager)

Full of laughter

What if they saw the ugly?

The ugly me on the inside

Working to claw its way out

Peeping through the bars of its cage

Occasionally oozing through like some slimy monster

Making everyone run…

Run far away…

Where it can't hurt them anymore

Where I can't hurt them anymore…

Ouch

I know she only means the best

I'dneverleaveafrienddon'tbestupid

But I'll bet SHE thinks you're her friend…

You know, the one you wish would stop hanging around?

I feel like that's what I've become to them

The ones who won't answer

I'm just a nuisance…

An annoyance

Who won't go away

But I love them

They're my best friends

How could I not?

They've been with me for the past few years

The hardest years of my life

Wouldn't they be used to it?

I guess not…

I guess they've finally figured out how

Fucked up I am

It's like I don't even exist anymore…

The others

Try to convince me

We'rehereforyou

Wewon'tleaveyou

Whywouldweleaveyou?

Don'tworrywe'rejustasfuckedup

They can't be as fucked up

I can't see it

The calm, somewhat immature, fun little Asian

My beautiful girl…

(she's not mine anymore

whyamIsostupid?)

The other immature one

(love her taste in music… could she really put up with my crazy?

Could any of them?)

The quiet, naïve one

The tall, loud, "mommy"

And all the rest…

They're all pretty crazy, sure

But they're the good kind

Actually, it's funny

It's the first time I haven't tried to compare to the others

(a good sign?)

But even they'll leave eventually

(whatthefuck'sherproblem?

IneverknewshewasTHIScrazy)

Because eventually everyone does…

They always do

I can't even keep track of my own crazy anymore

I want to step outside of my skin

Abandon my mind

Leave the jumbled mass of my brain

Walk away in a clean new skin

With no crazy bipolar thoughts bouncing around in there

I just want to feel normal for once

8: Painful Ignorance

I still don't understand

How I managed to offend

If that was all it took

A few words, typed with love

(no matter what you seem to think)

I don't understand

But if it was that painfully easy

If you didn't even hear my screams of agony

(they were ignored as you turned away)

Maybe we were never really friends in the first place

9: Thursday

You had your say

Never listened to my desperate pleas

I wanted my say too, you know

But you just turned away

Turned your back on three and a half years

I still don't understand your reasoning

Even now as I sit here

Weeks later

(it's been that long already?

It's probably been over a month…

I didn't notice)

Tears threatening

Stomach twisting sickly

As I see that familiar corner

I know you don't care

(not anymore, at least)

But a twinge of pain hits me

Every week that I remember

(I try not to remember

If I don't remember, it can't hurt me)

When the cruel memory is able

To stretch its spindly, cold, sickening

Claws out to choke me in its vice grip

Past the cage I've shoved it in

I must be a masochist

Rather than locking it

Airtight

In my mental safe

(can't see the light of day)

I've merely shoved it in an

Ornate cage, like a pitiful animal at the zoo

On display for me to pity

To marvel

To pet occasionally

But when I stretch my fingers out to touch

The smooth creature haunting my mind

It snaps, and I recoil away in surprise at it striking back

Once again feeling all alone

Just how you left me to view the world

10: Nameless

Always alone, yet never so

Loveless, yet well-loved

In the way, but always butting in

Crazy as fuck

Innocent, yet far too corrupted

Always pretending confidence, but it's always a farce

Musically inclined

Always looking for new musical delights

Regal, in a past before her time

Infatuated with all her anime

Easily obsessed

Kissed only once, with later regret for the pain caused by the hasty action

Unsure of everything

Unable to keep one train of thought for

Long

Easily distracted

Interested in many things

Restless as a flitting bird

Insightful when she wants to pay close enough attention

Growing up faster than she can keep up

Her life passes her by so fast

The trouble is trying to catch up

Music seems to help though, as the

Years pass and she grows more and more confused

Each note and meaningful word helps her

Remember- someday she'll figure it out

11: Crushed Statice and Hydrangeas

I'm so fucking sick of all this shit all this drama it drags me back into the deep dark hole

I was in for so long

I thought

I had finally crawled out

I caressed the beautiful light, embracing the warmth

I had ignored for so long but now

I'm being dragged back again and

I don't know what to do about it. This time is more complicated

I'm surrounded by people being affected by the ripples you and

I are causing

I'm so tired…

I'm tired of drama

I'm tired of playing the same game over and over

I want you and

I to go back to the way we were before

I introduced you two. Dammit, how did

I fuck things up so badly?

I even tried to apologize… But

I always manage to screw that up even more

I tried… but in the end it was you who said you didn't need me. All

I said was that if you didn't want me there, then

I wouldn't be there. Yet

I'm the one blamed, of course. Now it's all

I can do not to crave the cool razor on my tired skin. Maybe

I'll let it bite a bit deeper… Because

I fear soon

I'll lose everyone… what'll

I do then?

I'm so afraid

I know

I'm clingy, but it's because

I'm so damn afraid

I'm afraid

I'll lose you too, after

I just lost them- all because

I can't explain myself

I pride myself on my writing skills, but

I think my muse has caused me to look too deeply into dramatics- How much longer can

I take it?

I grow so sick and weary every time

I try to apologize

I feel as though all my care is falling on deaf ears. Maybe

I'm not saying it right?

I wouldn't be surprised

I can't believe it- your words sting me like hornets, yet

I stay rooted in place. So

I automatically send the same back

I guess if you don't need me, then

I'll not be there

I feel another pang of emptiness

I turn desperately to my mom- how can

I diffuse this smoke that chokes me?

I don't know what to do… Change the subject? Of course

I could do that…

I don't really see it working… But

I'll try anything about now. Anything so

I stop feeling this deep ache

I clutch my chest and try. Of course

I knew it wouldn't work

I get the response of what the hell does this have to do with me?

I'm not sure… All

I know is

I've failed again

I hate this

I know

I keep everything bottled inside until

I explode with emotion and then

I sound crazy…

I know, because this is what just happened with them

I'm too crazy- what the hell is wrong with me?

I apparently can't hold a friend

I sigh and try to amend myself- but apparently

I'm not going to be able to fix this. She says she doesn't need me

I can't believe it- why can't

I get it right for once? Dammit, it's not fair

I hurt so deeply…

I reply back and then log off. What's the use if

I'm only going to make it worse?

12: Sleeping Beauties

I'm so tired of everything

I want to lay

My head down and take a long nap

I hope everything will be fine in the morning just like

He says it will

I'm so tired of this

I don't know what anything is anymore

I'm so tired

I hope

We can fix this before

I fall asleep because

I'm not sure

I'll want to wake up once I do

13: Aishiteru

It's hard to pass each other in the halls

Looking past the other but really looking right at her

One wouldn't know by the blank stare that the girl whose

Vicious words probably bit into the other

Even as the other retorted equally as viciously

You wouldn't know that that

Other girl still sleeps with a small stuffed dog

Unconsciously gripping while they each secretly miss the other

14: Let's Just Try

I want to cry thinking of everything

Of how stupid we've been

(For two fucking weeks-

How can it be we're still counting?)

It's ridiculous

I wish I could turn back time

Have that whole conversation over again

I know things were said

They really didn't need to be said

I know I'm easily frustrated

I say things that come across the wrong way

I'm a total bitch sometimes

And I always need to be right

But

I hate not talking to you

I hate seeing you

And feeling my chest clench

As I make myself turn around

And try not to cry

I know you're not mine anymore

(and haven't been for months)

I know he can take care of himself

I know I'm a drama queen

I reacted harshly

And your reaction when I tried to recoil

Really hurt

Everyone says you didn't mean it

And I want to believe it…

I'll try to believe it

Because I want us to be okay again

I want to call you

I want to be able to have a conversation

And hear your name and not feel like changing the subject

(not feel like shit

And want to hang up

Or walk away)

I want to come back to our table

And laugh at all of the other's inappropriate jokes

Laugh and giggle and squeal and fangirl

Over the newest episode of Glee

I'm tired of trying to time everything out

Calculate new routes at school

To avoid crossing paths

(it hurts when our eyes meet and I can't smile and say hi

Because of my damn pride)

I want everything to be the way it was before

So please, let's just fix this

It may be slow, but let's try to make it like it was before

Baby, please call me when you get this

15: Alone

I'm standing in a sea of faces

But I'm all alone

I'm happy that you've come around

Yet I'm sad and scared

What happened to us?

We used to be best friends

Like sisters, I always used to say

But then you hurt me

And now they say

I shouldn't believe you

Now that you're trying to make it okay

Truthfully, these last two months have hurt

But I feel like we should try anyway

Then I wonder

Will trying help anything?

Or will it only hurt us in the long run?

You note how hesitant I sound

A sharp contrast to the happiness I exuded

Mere days before when you called me first

I just don't know how to feel anymore

Two months ago

I would have done anything to get my best friend back

Now… I don't even know how I feel

I have you back

(somewhat)

But I still feel empty inside

So I'm going to take a little step back

(Not too far back, because I couldn't stand this happening again)

And call you back when I figure out what's happening to me

16: They Don't Get Together In The End

Just like when Harry met Sally

I'll be the Kurt to your Blaine

You can love him

Knowing I still love you

And I'll watch by the sidelines

Pulling my fake smiles

Pretending it doesn't bug me

Being the best friend

(This time I'll pretend

So the disaster doesn't occur again)

But this time

They don't get together in the end

17: Broken Pieces

I tried to tell you

It's not you I don't trust

It's her

But you turn away blind

Why is this the first thing

You won't trust me on?

It hurts

To think you'll believe

The girl you just met

(I blame the infatuation

But who wants to listen to

The bitter "drama queen"?)

Over the one you've known

Since diapers

No, you lap up her lies

As she whispers poison

Sweetness in your ear

I can feel the sting

As salty tears gather

Behind my drying contacts

I can't believe I'm crying over you

(I can't believe you've made me cry)

But I heave deep sobs

From the pit of my soul

Do you still believe her?

You claim yourself so good at reading emotions

The feelings laid out for you like a book

Well, I know I'm not that good an actress

That you can't see the hurt

Etched deeply in my brow

I'm like a picture book

Anyone could see something's wrong

Despite what she's feeding you

I can't cry on command

How has this happened to us?

Why won't you believe me?

Is she really worth all this?

What happened to all the trust

Built carefully from diapers to nearly sixteen

It just…

I feel so lost

So defeated

So

B

R

O

K

E

N

(I know that's what she wants

Why do you think I fight so hard?

I never thought that's what you wanted)

I never thought

You'd ever make me feel this bad

I feel so stupid

I don't know why I feel that

But I do

Maybe it's because

I tried so hard

And everything still went to hell for me

I know we need to talk

And I know my mom will

(God bless the woman

How could I ever get by without her?)

Be there to help when we do

But right now

I'm finding it a little hard to face you

So please

Give me a little time today

We'll talk later, I promise

18: Effects

You have no idea

How much you affect me

Do you?

How much you haunt me

Late at night

When I lie awake

Staring at the ceiling

(the damned insomnia

Few things stay the same

At least I can count on that one)

And wonder what happened to us

When did you change?

When did you become this monster-

The one who enjoys hurting me

Spreading lies

Content in what you've won

Content in my defeat-

When did you change?

Why did you have to hurt me so badly?

Why did you have to try to turn

The one person I love most

Against me?

Sometimes I feel as though you've succeeded

I cry

Feeling that he believes you

That he's drifting farther away every day

Why do you want to hurt me?

I tried to make things better

I tried to pretend I was fine

Be happy for you both

Because I loved the both of you

I saw that he seemed happy

And I decided to pretend

Even if it hurt me

But…

You decided to ignore that

You ask

Why can't you be happy for us?

Why do you hate me?

I never hated you

I just hate what you've become

I wanted to be happy for you

So I tried to pretend

But you keep hurting me

And I won't let that go

So this is goodbye

(Why do you insist on hurting me after you've defeated me already?)

And because you won't accept my surrender

I'll fight even harder

Because you've crossed the border

And this is the last straw

This is my last straw

Goodbye

You can't hurt me anymore

(and I won't let you hurt him either)

19: One-Time

How am I supposed to forget that night?

I know we agreed it was a one-time thing

But how am I supposed to forget what felt so right?

Now when those songs come on the radio, I no longer feel the desire to sing

I know we agreed it was a one-time thing

But god, you were gorgeous

Now when those songs come on the radio, I no longer feel the desire to sing

I'd never speak again if I could have you in my arms one more time

But god, you were gorgeous

Do you know how hard it is to just be your friend now?

I'd never speak again if I could have you in my arms one more time

I look at you and remember how it felt to kiss you for hours

Do you know how hard it is to just be your friend now?

I can't help my feelings for you

I look at you and remember how it felt to kiss you for hours

Now I know how it feels to love and watch you love someone else

I can't help my feelings for you

Sometimes I wonder if these feelings make things awkward

Now I know how it feels to love and watch you love someone else

It fucking sucks

Sometimes I wonder if these feelings make things awkward

Maybe this time will be the time I clumsily stumble over the gossamer line

It fucking sucks

Wondering if this will last

Maybe this time will be the time I clumsily stumble over the gossamer line

How am I supposed to forget that night?

Wondering if this will last

But how am I supposed to forget what felt so right?

20: The Romance of Cia

(Note: Cia is a character suffering from amnesia in the Italian play, As You Desire Me, whose identity comes into question when an insane woman claims to be her as well. I have never seen the play and do not know much more than that, but the name and story struck me for the title.)

I sort of wonder if we weren't always just meant to be.

Once upon a time I believed we were. I thought you were the prince- not the handsomest in the land, but the new kind of prince, sent to rescue me from my dragons.

Once upon a time, I thought we could be the cliche. I thought maybe you would be the childhood best friend and we would fall in love one day and live happily ever after- the old American dream.

But times have changed. You've changed, I've changed, we've changed. And somewhere in there, there was her. And not you.

I looked into her eyes and I lost. I've been bobbing along, unsure, ever since.

Then you came back. And everything should have been different, but most of it was the same.

So what are we now? Are we the now we or the old we? Is there still a we? Could there still be an us?

A casually slipped in royal we. I'm surprised- but not really. Because it sounds right. It sounds like us.

You say I'm cute. I've been told that before- she told me once, but I guess she didn't mean it- but with you it seems true. Who else knows me better than you? (I don't even know me better than you do.)

Maybe I would be only a rebound. Maybe you would only be a rebound for me. But maybe it was always meant to be you and me. Just two silly romantics.

21: Longing Lingers

Eyes meet
Lips spread in greeting

It should be odd
That I don't know
Why we've been apart
But right now
I just want to feel
Your smile meet mine
And the warm beat of your heart

Lips meet
Still spread wide
Then wider still with longing

It should be strange
That I don't know
Why we've been separated
Long enough enough to pine so
But the spark overwhelms me
Consumes me in its shock
Can't you see
The fireworks bursting to life
Between us
Where our lips and hearts meet?

Hands meet
Then our bodies
Twined together breathlessly
We don't care who sees
We only feel

I should find it odd
The feeling
That I've finally gotten
What I've longed for
This can't be new
The familiar strangeness
Of skin on skin
And lips and tongues
MeshingCaressing.
But my mind is shouting
Everything is wet and hot and home
And how could I have lived
Without this every day?

Words meet
Hot, living air
Spelling things I've longed for

I should find it odd
The ringing that distracts me
Causing me to frown into your grin
I'm probably just imagining it
Everything will be okay
If I can just keep kissing you
Swimming in the passion
Drowning in your eyes
And hands
And lips

Shrill beats meet
Irritated ears

I should find it strange
To wake up
Without you in my arms
But phantom memories
Aren't enough
To keep me warm at night.

22: Commencement

Neat rows
Black for the boys
Girls in powder blue

Twelve years of waiting
Hard work
Tears
And laughter

And most of all
What was learned
Outside of the classroom

She sits next to her best friend
Smiles through their tears

The silent vows to keep touch
Vows that balance uncertain
On the past
And choices still uncertain

As she moves the tassel atop her cap
Throws her cap in the air
She realizes

The future lies ahead
Romance still on the horizon

She is still forming
But she has made it
She's made it this far
And the future lies ahead still