I'm Lily Smith and I'm perfect, well I used to be; if that counts. Pieces of human feelings break away and soon it's too hard to pick up the million shattered pieces from the ground. One person; that's all I'm talking about, the one that was not famous or popular but left the world I know shattered, broken, useless and of course meaningless. It's the type of thing that leaves you helpless, when you don't even know how your world went from being something to nothing. You don't know the person I'm talking about, and you obviously never will. But Sam Will meant the world to me. She rarely smiled but I made her laugh; she usually cried but I wiped the tears. Little did I know it wasn't enough. I still blame myself for losing her to suicide. I wish I could have done more; every day since the news was broken to me, all I've done is wish I should have done more. But I couldn't have; or could I? I forget the difference between could and should all the same. I would never know, Sam would but she always dodged the subject with the laugh I knew was fake; I should have done more. I was mad at her, hated her right now. She left me alone, all alone. We promised to be friends forever; instead she left me to go to a place I couldn't reach by my choice of time. Sitting on my bed I cry as sobs wreck my body. Didn't she think? What would happen if she left like that? I pick up a school book and tear the pages one by one ferociously. Grades, it had always been the freaking grades. I hated school, I hated all my teachers; they killed her and were all cold blooded murderers regardless of what facts showed. I knew they were and I wanted to kill them too. But I wasn't going to be low like them, Sam wouldn't have wanted that but this way I never knew what Sam wanted. She never told me. And I didn't do enough; I was part of her death too. It was my fault too. The clock showed 5:00. It was time I left for tuition but I wouldn't go. Not without her. I wouldn't do anything. I had already been explained the ‘Sam wouldn't want you to do this’ scenario but did Sam listen to me? No, she went on stressing herself out and didn't care what I said. Sam didn't find my advice valuable, my defenses strong enough. Why should I listen to her like I always have? Did she consider me capable of poking into her life and making decisions for her? Did she not think I was strong enough to pull her out of the sea of desolation she was willingly throwing herself into? What did she consider me anyway? I would never know, because I wasn't qualified like Newton to know how one should live their life and my advice was a useless piece of crap. I bury my face in the pillow and let it soak my unstopping tears. "You just had to go!" I cry my voice barely audible against the pillow. A week after her death and I still hadn't recovered. After countless tries of cheering me up everybody had given up, I was unfixable, a hopeless case and the irony was in the face that my best friend, my closest being, the sister I never had, had done this to me. And all I knew was the fact that I hadn't been enough. "It's my life" "I'm Okay" she used to say "I miss you and I'm sorry" "I wasn't enough" I keep on repeating now and forever. It was never okay and it was never her own life, if it had been it wouldn't have ended and it would have not been dictated by grades. Stupid grades. Education doesn't matter to a dead person. All Newton gets today is curses for making up laws that don't make sense to us. But to me, nothing will ever make sense. I have my mind set on it. I'll be the person Sam was trying so hard to be. I'll shut out the world, I'll cry day and night and I won't care about myself. I loved her and I always will. That's the same, only difference is I'm crazy now and that is what people see me as; a crazy person that can't handle the most important part of her life being taken away and won't ever recover. Sam made suicide her story but she has no idea she what she turned mine into