The Master, but…

Standing at the bow wholly taken in my muse, I now realize that I lost the track of the time for a while as I watch the waves chasing each other in a worldwide open sea.

YES! This is my territory.

I gaze at the blue infinity that spreads all around me to the horizon in a kind of.. ‘Satisfaction’?!

Or that’s what I think it should be!

Well, why won’t I be satisfied anyway? I have every reason to be.

I’m the captain of my own ship, my own crew. This crew is actually my family. We are all in harmony and nothing seems to disturb this serenity. I’m surrounded by people who genuinely care for me.

For God sake, I’m The Master of the seven seas!

This giant blue had submitted to me since long time ago, when I swore I’d be its master. And I did.

My fame and reputation had preceded me everywhere in the world.

I have everything to feel content. And it’s nothing about fortune or treasures but it’s the freedom and the power. The ability to provide help to who needs it, the power to rein whatever couldn’t be tamed  by anything before. The power and  the will to destroy evil  and present goodness to the world.

I close my eyes as I hear the raucous yet pleading sounds of the plash as they gently pummel my  Nomad in full submission. Yet I shouldn’t trust it blindly, this sapphire beauty is in fact a fickle perfidious monster who can betray me if only  the destiny gives it a chance as it did twice before.

I should stay aware.

I inhale deeply the fresh saline air while the breeze tickles my face and clothes.

Yes. Power and freedom! I’m free. No one –after Allah- has any power over me or my will which I submitted for the good.

I’m the master of my world and this… this blue giant is my world.

Now, now… how can’t I be truly satisfied? I have everything a man could wish or dream of.

Everything but… my heart.

That’s how I always feel… incomplete, even in the middle of my victories. Success still loses its taste of glory. Even when colorful butterflies I met in every port and on each island overwhelm me with their sweet nectar of beauty and love, with all of their tweeting about admiring me, whispers of how invincible they find me and blahblahblah…

Within all of these the smile that dances on my lips never make it to my heart; the pride shown in my eyes and which –as Bryn told me once- screams all over my features never reaches my spirit.

And how could they? I was once told by my dear master Dimdim that ‘the heart is the house of the one’s spirit’. Thus it makes sense now, doesn’t it?

How it is supposed from the laughers to emerge from that pump if this latter isn’t there in the first place?

I think it’s time to make a serious confession right now. Enough pretending. No more idiotic stubbornness –not that I would ever voice it out loud anyway, I mean in her absence at least… never.

“I –Sinbad- Master of the seven seas admit that my heart submitted to someone other than myself, and that I absolutely lost power over it.”

And this happened a few years ago. Since the day my eyes were blessed with her sight.

No, that damn storm wasn’t the moment when I lost it for her -as I already I knew my feelings in the exact same instant my eyes fell on her- but it’s when I realized I lost my heart to her, and to which extend she has power over this rebel, that she completely owns this mutinous.

Those two moments were so different though both affected me deeply: when you first recognize true love as it invades your world and your soul, and when you suddenly lost it for what seems to be forever.

The first is like an unexpected flicker radiating sparkles within you -whatever optimistic you naturally are- rejuvenating your spiritual existing in the tangible cosmos.

It provides you a new sight of the world enwrapping your soul with ecstasy. If life was perfect prior it, it becomes amazingly pleasurable afterward, turning into yummy redolent and colorful all of a sudden.

The other is like a stab right deep in your heart that you almost feel the blood’s metallic taste overwhelming you!

Pain is a word you really get to know only then and everything turns into dark grey around you. Even your breath becomes an undesirable effort on your lungs.

Thus if my heart is no where around but with her, my soul is no where to find as well. Being foreign in an unmerciful world my soul keeps calling for its home… its mate.

And from the zenith of the rhapsody I fall down into the pain’s groove chosen for me by an unfaithful destiny. So I slowly turned into a walking dead, a shell that everyone admires its gloss and artistic carving never realizing it’s just an empty shell…

I’m sure my friends know everything about it and noticed the change on me. Even if I always pretend that what happened never affects me, mind you I’d never admit it out loud! Captain of my ship,I’ll not allow my weakness to take control over me.

However being not only my friends but the sole family I ever have –the only treasure that life decided to bliss me with- they were and still are beyond taking in the shallow. They knew better but kept it to themselves.

And Doubar doesn’t need words to acknowledge my feelings, thoughts and sufferings but he respects my reticence and never approaches the issue, that much I appreciate.

Even Bryn, who never mets her before, knew it.

She recently –and eventually- realized that whatever I do or appear to feel is not actually what I mean; that my true feelings belong to no one we met, no one I flirt with. Not even Bryn herself!

And as much as it seriously hurts me, those irresponsible actions which only result in hurting people around me –people I care for- it still is the absolute truth.

My heart doesn’t belong to me anymore. It doesn’t even exist here to be confronted or judged!

It’s gone for a long time ago. Gone with her!

It’s true that I lost the track of the time. It’s been so long since her disappearance.

Unlike everyone thinks, time is not considered by day and years. With the heart, time is an absolute value without limitations or regulations. With joy it flies away like a blink, while with loss it lasts like forever.

And I can’t even remember how long has it been since I felt my death as I lost her!

Sometimes my doubts take control over me, letting me believe things will never be back as before.

She won’t be back!

I won’t be back!...

I sighed.

A splash of water reaches my face interrupting my muse. Opening my eyes I can see the tide getting high and the waves jumping in startling anger. The ruffled whips of the strong winds over my sails find my ears.

I frown, my body tenses! All evidences on a coming storm!

I see, another battle of wills then! The blue beast starts to coup on its Master.

I feel my lips curving upward slightly “Well then, it’s time to make you announce your submission once again little one!”

Before seeking to order my crew getting ready to the coming storm, my gaze glimpses the horizon unvoluntary as a confession voices in my mind clearly:

“Yes, my heart and soul still are hers, and will always remain as hers.

I’ll be hers… forever.

But does she know?”

~.~.~

 

 

2: Familiar Shadow - Guardian or Guarded 1

"Familiar Shadow"

(Part 1 of "Guardian or Guarded")

Standing there in front of the little piece of mirror which is hung on the back of the wooden door of my little cabin, I stare at my reflected picture, to my tanned skin, my dark brown hair that merely passes my shoulders. I cut it recently after it started to tease my face reaching the middle of my back. My dark brown eyes stare at me from the mirror, and scan my other delicate features –now where did I hear this before? Weird! - Searching for something… anything… in the rounded face?.. Nothing! The little nose, the thin lips?! Absolutely nothing!

I blink! The one looking at me from the other side of the mirror is… Bryn?!

Someone I didn't know before I met Sinbad and the guys.

My thin brows seek for each other as my fingers touch my skin, running across my jaw gently.

How much have I changed?

Did the old Bryn look just like I do right now?

My fingers reach my silky hair and brush an indocile curl behind my ears.

I tilt my head. Did the old Bryn have it always long?

Did it reach her waist? Did she use to comb it this way?

I am taken completely in my rumination which used to strike me recurrently -mostly when I'm alone. Trying to get any hint of the past that the destiny decided to hold it away from me, and then I feel it!

I blink again.

A lovely wave of smooth and calming feelings overwhelms me like a snug waterfall as a light sweet shadow tenderly breezing my heart and tickling my soul!

As reassurance finds its way through me safely, I notice my reflection showing a pair of dimples as she smiles.

I wonder how deep can his power reach inside of me?

I whirl around and glance at his favorite spot. And again, here he is.

Perching on the headboard of the small bed, his brown feathers ruffle gently at the touch of the waft coming from the narrow window that my cabin provides.

My silent friend stands with pride.

I walk towards him absent-mindedly as the usual weird feeling of familiarity strikes me again over his shadow… and his presence!

I can't put my hand on it exactly, but deep inside me I know I had experienced this presence before. More than once actually and to that extent that I become used to it… in fact addicted to it!

Don't know why or how, it is just a feeling yet I can't confirm it!

Dermott's presence for me now is typically like this… an addiction; without any evidence that I felt it before joining the crew.

All these emotions become familiar to me now that I have been more than a year onboard.

A belief is growing inside of me that we built a kind of a bond or an emotional bridge between the both of us; and this linkage is growing more powerful with each day we spend together.

Though, what confuses me seriously is the ghostly feeling that this bridge already existed before the day I stepped on the Nomad!

The familiarity of this bond really takes over my reins!

I look at him and stare into his eyes. I catch in them the utter intensity that I used to witness every now and then. The same one which always sends shivers to me!

This intensity is mixed with sincerity then and a hint of something… something I can't put my hand on.

I always have my imagination flying when it comes to his eyes!

Sometimes -more like frequently this recent days- I sense they aren't a hawk's eyes, but a human ones!

Weird, isn't it?

But it is just me, I'm sure.

And then, few times –just like this exact moment- I get a vision. Well, not a real vision but my imagination gets stronger, I guess.

A pair of wide intense gray eyes comes in my sight as they slowly replace his beautiful brown ones. Staring at me with all the same genuine concern and verity, same mystery and sharpness, and this weirdness that I can't identify, same effect on me! Like the dark gray clouds they are, through which only few flickers of the sky shyly piercing as blissfully pure blue rays… his eyes!

I don't know how I can suppress my fantasy. Haunting me, these caring potential orbs will be the death of me!

At first and for a while I thought that they materialized my fondness of certain sea blue eyes! Yes, I thought I had fallen for Sinbad which was a complete puerile act from me! Now that I return to my sobriety I feel funny and naïf when the memory plays in my mind. The brotherhood I share with Sinbad is priceless and unique; and I won't give it up for anything in life even if it is my soul.

And though both my captain and my knight share some attracting blue orbs, each has a different shade of blue. Whereas Sinbad has sapphire ones ranging between the crystality of the sea and the depth of the ocean; my guardian angel's range between the pearly sky during a smoky mist and the silver fur of a wild wolf.

A chuckle escapes me as I shake my head slightly, lost in my thoughts. I didn't notice that I reached my little fellow who seems to watching me intently. The worry is now replaced gradually by a… relief?!

I tickle his feathers gently, my sweetest smile showing itself as if my lips have a mind of their own! I can't help myself whenever being in his company, it just brings the delight and satisfaction out of me!

He tilts his little head giving a low squeak as though he is showing his appreciation.

My gaze is drawn to his again, taken into his pure mirth. And again this chocolate beauty brings me back to the grayish ones.

I have to admit, they have a lot in common.

Do they belong to someone I knew before losing my memory?

Are they real? Or is it just my pure fantasy creating some magic of its own?

Sitting on the bed, I close my eyes and lean beside him on the headboard. I sigh.

All I know that with their presence, Dermott's shadow or those mysterious smoky eyes I feel cozy, I feel safe and protected.

I feel confident. I feel more like myself. Yes it's me, it's Bryn.

I don't care about the past or the person I used to be before; as long as I still keep this delicate presence hugging my soul, warming my heart.

It's the present that I care for, my future that I have every intention to share with my friends… my family… The Nomad family, and definitely Dermott.

My Dermott who was always there for me, rescuing me every time I have been dragged by my fear to the ruthless storm of insecurity, fear of what the past may hide from me, an ugly side?

Whatever, he always crushed my fears and washed my worries away with the fairness of his heart, the purity of his soul, the familiarity of his shadow.

Which leaves me always wondering: with him, who am I supposed to be? A guardian or guarded?

 

3: I Hate Oranges!

*Dedicated to my lovely friend TiaKisu, our lovely Doubar from Distant Lands*

'I Hate Oranges!'

People always like to make little confessions every now and then. It seems to provide them a kind of … relief or an internal peace, right?

I even whispered to little brother few days ago to try and go through it! He looked like he seriously was in need of it; being that desperate to get out of his limits like that!.. Someone needed to steer his attention.

Making confessions doesn't mean you should share your secrets with someone, but it's about being honest and clear with no more hiding from reality.

Keeping your space from everyone around you is always unhealthy, especially when you need them the most.

And if it makes you that uncomfortable to have a partner, so at least confess to yourself! That, definitely, would work. And sometimes -believe it or not- feathers, ink and papers work real magic at that!

I have no doubt that Sinbad would figure this out by himself. He is mature enough to realize what he is driving himself through. I don't need to remind him again and obviously I don't want to think about his own confessions right now.

You see, advising people to do something and doing it yourself are really two different things! I'm not a hypocrite, but it's really hard to share your feelings and thoughts with others! Sometimes it's just hard to mouth them out loud… words don't get out!

And being not the type who sacred the magical trio I just mentioned, I choose to create my peace by a self-confession.

It all started a week ago, when I felt a terrible headache invading my mind's calmness following by a slight dizziness that certainly didn't go unnoticed while I was unloading the cargo with Rongar and Firouz. The latter wanted to check on me and asked me to rest, but I dismissed his help as always. However, if it wasn't for the gentle request of Bryn –who witnessed the little incident- to exchange our duties for her to take mine back then and me to cook dinner later, leaving me to rest for a while, I would have let my exhaustion took me to another level.

That night I couldn't stop sneezing! And even a simple cooking –which used to be my utmost hobby- was a painful experience. My blurred vision was about to destroy the crew meal if it wasn't for Rongar who stopped me from adding sugar instead of salt to the mashed potato! Even Sinbad asked if I was alright mentioning my slight shiver that I unwillingly had every now and then through dinner.

What crept me the most was the freak behavior of Firouz who kept quietly and intently watching me, even my slightest movement through the whole time, unlike his usual talkative self. I think by the end of the dinner, my running nose, my flushed face and my rusty voice that mingled with some coughs had eventually made him speak his mind! He vigorously insisted that I caught a serious case of cold because –according to him- the 'type' of cold running these days was very hard and difficult to treat!

I made a harsh comment on the cold 'types' that seemed to change with time… and the seriousness of such case! Cold is cold, right?… a rough day or two of the typical symptoms that never been that serious to prevent someone from his work, then it vanishes by itself…. Just like that; no fuss, no muss!

By that I left for my night shift dismissing his request to check if I had a fever. Fever or not, I won't be his guinea pig! That was my thought back then.

But dozing through the shift more than once, unable to control the tiller was the worst! I was lucky to have Hassan –smaller sailor- in my company back then as it ended by my blackout! The little rat called for Sinbad and… Firouz!

And then it started for real!

By our captain's order I became under Firouz' mercy!

And I thought it'd be a real torture; but the truth is… these few days had opened my eyes to things that I had been blind to, they made me realize how blessed I truly am… recognize the feelings I wasn't willing to admit and stubbornly pretend they didn't exist –at least not that deeply- under the disguise of false pride and the mask of idiotic strength!

And here we go!

Firouz!...

Not that I'll ever give him the pleasure by saying it out loud, mind you, but it really touches me that he cares for my well-being that way!

I never got a full attention in my life! So that was…. weird but still nonetheless… warming!

I understand very well that everyone has their own way of how to care and how to show it, and I know his is by paying my health and wellbeing extra attention.

I know he can't help but keep babbling with those nonsenses that had almost blown my head, and I can't –till now- get rid of this headache since he discovered my illness; and the whole infinity speech about it, and the advices and precautions...

But look at the other side; it only proves that behind all of these poisons he spit out… he really cares!

At the last stop we made, he even bought me many… MANY oranges!

I hate oranges!

Does he ever know that?

Argh!

With all their cold juices when you handle them after the peeling, and while eating them, they make me sober! And sometimes I don't like to be that sober; it really annoys me.

And while peeling or cutting them, there are those smelly things that may spit in your eyes and burns like hell!

Not to mention the fact that we still in the very early season of these small balls, which means that they still green, very pungent and salty that -seriously- hurts so much my throat.

I can't handle its acridity and stinging. My mouth keeps pleading me not to torture it like that!

And Firouz comes to the genius conclusion that green oranges are better than sweet ones!

This guy really gives me the nuts!

He insists on me eating them like it was life or death issue! As if my life depends only on oranges! ARUGHHH!

Although he keeps a good eye on me to be sure I get like ERNOUGH rest, in the form of sleeping three quarters of the day -don't get me wrong. I love resting, but not sleeping most of the day for sure- he insists on getting me the usual dose of orange every now and then!

When I pretend sleeping, innocently but annoyingly enough, he won't give up until I open my eyes and get those juicy bombs into my gut! Tsk, Tsk!

Sinbad, on the other side, shows his soft heart to his elder brother, forgetting his captain's side for a while. I think he had just found a chance to be all brotherly and to pay back for what I did when he was still a kid. He still checks on me every hour!

He agreed to all terms Firouz put to fit my repose in order to my recovery, including relieving me from my duties onboard for a whole week, not allowing me on the deck after the sunset, forbidding me from the little ale I used to get through the week and instead increase my share of hot drinks! And he even accepted to devote a larger part of the usual tiny food budget to buy few poultry, a little sheep chop –to provide me with a more nutritious pottage! Not that I would complain about that- and THOSE damn oranges!

TSK, TSK, TSK…

Rongar, acted surprisingly too!

Well, at least I wasn't expecting it, as I noticed him secretly adding his share of the meal at dinner to mine! And half of it in breakfast and lunch!

I believe he thinks I won't notice it due to the slight dizziness, but I did.

Sinbad had ordered to increase my share of meals anyway, after Firouz told him something in the lines of 'tubby needs more energy to fast healing…' or something like that!

I also know - from glimpses from a little conversation between Firouz and Bryn -that Rongar was the one who asked Sinbad to be responsible for most of my duties' parts onboard within this week.

The sweetest of all was Bryn!

She is so caring, but gently. And she spent most nights of the week watching over me, as the others either have night shift or dead sleeping from the whole day stress.

She is so delicate in her actions! She makes sure not to make any sound while passing in or out of my cabin; she tries to convince me into taking Firouz' weird potions and herbs but tenderly, and every time I had a quarrel with Firouz over those oranges she was the one who stop the arguing between us and calm me down before I strangle him!

She specifically makes me pottage every day and doesn't leave me unless she makes sure I finish my whole meal. Staying by my side for long periods of time -at the early stage of my illness- taking care of me by wiping my perfusion sweat away from my forehead with a rag dipped in cold water -lessening my fever- and making sure I had enough covers so that my sickness wouldn't get worse by the freezing night air. She always ensures that I'm not getting thirsty providing me with enough fresh water to drink, and she is the one who accompanies me on deck since Firouz decided that I needed fresh air.

That girl is really something!

Dermott was taking his shift whenever her fatigue takes over her or in the morning if everyone was busy with their duties.

Even that chicken cares for me! Ooops! I'm glad it's an unspoken confession; hopefully no one heard me, especially Maeve! Sorry Dermott!

I'm not that kind of softy, you know, never have I been.

And this spoiling is not making it any better for me. Well, except feeling like… beloved?! May be…

Like… safe? May be! Blessed?... sure!

But it definitely makes me feel like family… belonging to a family… something I lost a long time ago. Since my parents had gone Sinbad was the only family I had left, and my sole interest was to take care of him, making him be the man that my mother and father would be proud of! My happiness was solely his own. Never felt belonging to anyone but Sinbad.

Now, I feel the change… the pertinence to a bigger family than just my little brother, a family that all its members deeply care for me. For the first time of my life I'm the one which is taken care for not the other way around!

I truly am happy! And really blessed! All I'm thinking about is to thank God for such a great gift He offers me… My family!

Even if one of them forces me to engorge oranges!