THE PROMISCUOUS GHOST.

                             A short film with all dialogue as unintelligible mutterings, set to a music soundtrack, as in the

                                                        "A Home of Your Own"  and  "The Plank"  genre.

                                                                      ©  Copyright 1968 David Barry.

                                                       ©  Revised version Copyright David Barry. April 1975.

                                                                                             

The  film opens with a general view of a graveyard, to  suitable accompanying  lively music which continues throughout the  film.  The  camera pans round the cemetery and stops on a large  marble tomb in medium closeup. The camera remains focused on this tomb.

Very  slowly, a young girl of about 25, lying asleep on the  top  of  the tomb, appears, mistily at first, and  gradually  gaining solidarity  until  she  is clear enough to be  seen,  but  still transparent. She is reposing in a fairly suggestive attitude.

She  rises and walks through various obstructions, such as  more tombs,  bushes,  and a stone wall, until she reaches  the  road.      She  stops  and looks right and left. She  smiles  impishly  and  seraphically,  and sets off right, towards some shops. The  time  is  about  seven p.m., and it is late night shopping  night  for  crowds of people.

As  she  walks along the road, no-one can see her,  but  to  the camera  she  is  a transparent body.  She  totally  ignores  all  obstructions  and  walks straight through them,  such  as  other people, ice cream boards outside shops, people with prams and so on.  Her eyes are looking right, at the shops, and she stops  as  she  sees  a large department store. She  grins  gleefully,  and turns  to  go into the store. As she passes  through  the  glass doors, she fades away and becomes completely invisible.

The  following  shots  are  divided  between  panning  from   an  onlooker's point of view and tracking from the ghost's point  of  view as she moves along the aisles between counters.

The  invisible  girl  arrives at  the  cosmetic  counter,  where  several  types  of perfume, cologne and spray  are  on  display, complete  with  testers. These samples now proceed to  rise  and  float  through the air as the ghost experiments to find the  one  she  likes.  Caps  are unscrewed,  bottles  upended  and  sprays  sprayed as she covers herself with the contents.

Cut  to various shots of bewildered onlookers, trying very  hard  not  to  notice, or not to believe the evidence  of  their  own  eyes.

Cut  to  a  medium closeup of the floor manager,  (think Ronnie Barker) who  has  just arrived,  staring  incredulously  at  a  can  of  perfume  spray floating in the air and hissing merrily. Cut back to the  ghost, who  has  settled on a particular spray and  is  dosing  herself  liberally  round the neck and under the arms. The floor  manager now  moves  forward with a stern expression  and  unintelligible  mumblings which could possibly be construed as "We'll see  about  this!" He tries vainly to grab the can of perfume, which  always manages to elude his grasp.

The  ghost, becoming tired of his feeble efforts now points  the  can  at him and sprays him with perfume. Uttering a little  yelp  of  sheer terror, the man turns and flees, to the amusement  of  the  by  now sizeable crowd. He is closely pursued by  the  can,  still  squirting at him, which is in turn followed by the  crowd  who  are  anxious  to  see  the  outcome  of  this  entertaining  spectacle. The manager finds himself cornered and turns to  face the can with a dog-like appeal in his eyes. The can is poised on  a level with his face.

The man darts to the left, only to receive a blast of perfume in  his face that would do credit to Zsa Zsa Gabor. He subsides into his  corner,  blinking furiously, and wiping his face  with  the  sleeve  of his jacket. He tries again, this time to  the  right, with the same result.

Cut away to the hilarious crowd, then back to the manager who is being  sprayed from head to toe. He holds out his hands to  ward  off  the spray. Cut to an immensely fat woman in the crowd,  who is  laughing uproariously. Her handbag is jerked from her  grasp  and  flies through the air to be deposited on  the  outstretched  arm  of the man. The can gives a final terrific burst  all  over his head and shoulders and is then replaced on a nearby counter.  As  the camera pans away from the debacle, the crowd  are  still laughing, but are also holding their noses.

As  before,  the  ghost is tracked and panned;  to  the  fashion department.

There  are  only two people here; an assistant and a  short  fat  woman  who  appears from a dressing cubicle  with  an  obviously stock  dress  on. She goes over to the assistant and  starts  to  discourse,   (unintelligibly)  on  the  disadvantages  of   this particular  article of apparel. Medium shot of a rack  of  coats near  the cubicle. One of these coats is whisked from  the  rack  and into the cubicle. The curtain is pulled sharply across.  Cut  back to the woman, discarding one dress and picking up another.

She  nods to the assistant and heads towards the cubicle.  Close up of the curtain, from inside the cubicle, as the woman's  hand appears  round the edge of the curtain and pulls it open.  Her face  shows utter disbelief, and she drops like a stone, out  of  frame.  There  is  a loud thud. Cut to a shot  from  behind  the woman,  of  her lying on the floor and tilt up  to  the  cubicle where  the coat is suspended in mid-air, exactly as  if  someone was wearing it. The coat moves forward and bends over the  woman  on the floor inquisitively.

Cut  away to the assistant, looking up at the cubicle. She  sees  the  coat hovering over the body and emits a shrill scream.  Cut back  to  the  coat, which looks up  sharply  at  this  untoward interruption and moves away from the woman on the floor.

Cut away to the floor manager who is still in his corner but has returned the handbag to its rightful owner. He is feebly  wiping  himself  with a large handkerchief, endeavouring  unsuccessfully to remove all traces of the perfume. He looks up as he hears the  scream,  and  gallantly  sets  out  to  discover  what  else  is  happening.

Cut  back  to the coat, which starts to flee down  the  numerous aisles.  Cut back to the manager also running along  the  aisle. A  crane  shot shows the coat and manager  running  towards  one  another.  They  meet and the ghost passes straight  through  the  man,  leaving  the  coat  neatly  wrapped  round  his  head  and  shoulders.

Cut  to a medium shot as the manager falls to the floor  with  a plaintive  cry. Coats, dresses and any other handy  objects  are hurled  at him willy-nilly until he subsides into a heap on  the floor, crying softly.

Once  again the ghost is panned to the doors of the  store,  and again  she becomes transparent as she passes through  them.  She turns right and continues walking. On the other side of the road  she spies a Burger Bar and completely oblivious of the  traffic, crosses  the  road;  disappearing momentarily  into  a  bus  and reappearing  on  the other side. She enters the  Burger  Bar  and  again  becomes totally invisible. The camera pans as  she  looks  round.

One  side  is taken up with a long counter, at the  far  end  of  which  is the grill. The chef is absent. The other side  is  all  tables  and  chairs. Two tables away there sits a  man,  halfway through his meal. The ghost, however turns her attention to  the  counter.

Cut to a closeup of a cigarette left burning in an ashtray.  Cut back  to a medium shot as the ghost picks up the  cigarette  and  takes a long puff. Sounds of coughing and choking, a loud "Ugh!"  and  the cigarette end flips through the air to land on  the  dining  gentleman's  plate in a pool of tomato sauce. A loud hiss.  Tilt  up  to  the man, with his fork poised halfway to his  mouth.  He  blinks  rapidly several times, sets his fork down and looks  all  round. There is no-one near him, in fact, the only other  people  in  the  room  are a young boy and  girl  engrossed  in  earnest conversation  at  a table at the far end of the  room.  The  man looks  directly at the camera in front of him, bewildered,  then  down at his plate, and then scrapes the tomato sauce off it into a saucer.

Cut  to where the ghost is standing, further down the room,  and  pan  and  tilt down to the grill into a close-up  of  a  freshly  cooked  cheeseburger  on  a plate. This  now  rises  and  floats through  the  air. There is a loud 'chomp' and a  piece  of  the  cheeseburger disappears.  Sounds  of chewing, then another "Ugh!". The cheeseburger  rises  slightly, there is a sniff, and the top of the roll is  removed, to  float  in  mid-air for a moment. The cheese  is  now  peeled carefully  away from the meat, and the ghost slings  the  cheese over her shoulder.

Cut  to  the dining gentleman, who has understandably  left  his burger  and chips, and started on his dessert, which is a  cherry  sundae in a silver dish. The cheese slice flies gracefully through the air  and  lands squarely on top of the dish, the  edges  draping neatly  over  the  sides. The man's face sags  and  he  turns  a  brilliant green. He swallows once or twice, and gingerly  pushes the offending article away from him.

The  ghost  is  panned  to the couple at  the  far  end  of  the restaurant. She stands looking down at them, the camera  panning slowly as they talk.

Cut to a closeup profile of the boy as his hair is  ruffled  by the amorous ghost. Cut to a full face closeup of the girl opposite him. Her eyes widen. Cut back to the boy as he smooths his  hair  down. He looks round and up to see who's responsible and  frowns when  he  realises  that there is no-one  there.  Cut  to a front closeup of his tie and shirt. The tie is being pulled away  from  the  collar  and  the  buttons  on  his  shirt  are  unfastening themselves. He grabs his tie with one hand. Medium front view as  he  jerks  violently and drops his hands to his trousers  as  we hear the sound of a zip.

He looks at the girl opposite him embarrassedly. She stands  up, livid with anger, and shouts a comment about behaving in  public then  leans  over  the  table and slaps his  face.  A  huge  red handmark appears on his cheek. The girl starts to walk away from  the  table,  and then she too jerks suddenly as  her  bottom  is pinched.  She  promptly turns and slaps the other  side  of  his face.  She stalks out of the Burger Bar, with the boy  following, clutching  his trousers with one hand and making whimpering noises as he reaches out  for  her  with the other.

Pan the  ghost towards the door. As she draws  level  with  the  table  where the  unfortunate diner is sitting, cut to  a  medium  closeup  of  him,  hunched over a cup of  tea,  with  his  hands  clasped firmly over his cup, and his eyes darting furtively from left  to right. The ghost bursts out laughing and the man  looks  up  at the sound, horrified. His hair stands up straight on  his head, and, relinquishing his grip on the cup,  he flees from  the  restaurant.

The  ghost  follows, and becomes transparent again  outside  the door. She starts to walk back the way she came then sees a  man,  about  thirty, watching all the passing girls. The ghost  smiles  her  little smile again, and screws her face up in an effort  of concentration.  Suitably  dramatic  music  as  she  succeeds  in  becoming totally solid.

She approaches the man. Long shot as they converse for a minute, then  they  link arms and walk off down the road. Fade  out  the scene.

Fade  in the next scene of the girl and the man lying on a  bed.  They are kissing and cuddling one another.

Cut  to the front door of the house seen from inside.  It  opens and  a  different  man  and  woman  enter.  They  are   talking,  (unintelligibly)  but the appearance is of the woman  trying  to  placate  the man, who seems worried about something. They  cross  the hall into the lounge. Cut back to the couple upstairs as the  girl sits up on the bed suddenly. More unintelligible talk, this time with the man trying to reassure our "ghost-girl".

Cut  away to the lounge downstairs. The woman laughs  loudly  at  something her companion has said. Cut back to upstairs. The  man sits  up with an agonised expression, making  anguished  noises,  which  might  perhaps be translated as "My God!  My  wife!"   He pushes the ghost-girl away from him agitatedly, and points  underneath  the  bed. The girl rolls off the bed and slides underneath.  The man  runs  quickly into the bathroom. Cut to the stairs  as  the  couple from downstairs come into view at the top.

They go into the bedroom; the woman sinks onto the bed languidly  and  pulls the man down beside her. They are lying the  opposite way round to the first couple. They start to cuddle.

From the  bathroom, the sound of a toilet flushing.  The  woman sits  up,  aghast.  Similar  noises from  her,  which  could  be  construed as "My God! My husband!" She pushes the man away,  and he  rolls  off the bed and underneath, on the opposite  side  to  that which the ghost-girl is.

The  woman  jumps  up as her husband comes into  the  room.  She smiles at him and makes welcoming cooing noises. He looks at the bed, frowns and appears to ask why the bed is in such a mess.  The  woman  takes his arm and steers him towards  the  door.  He allows himself to be thus manipulated until they reach the door, still arguing, when he gestures behind him at the bed.

Cut to a view underneath the bed, where the girl and the man are  smiling at one another. Cut back to the couple at the door,  who  are  now  arguing heatedly. The man grabs the  woman's  arm  and  turns her to face the bed. They walk towards it without  looking at  it, until they are nearly at its foot. Then they  both  stop talking and stare at the bed with incredulous expressions.

Cut  to  the bed. The sheets are ruffling about with  no-one  on them.  The man and the woman stoop simultaneously to peer  under the  bed. Cut to an upside down view of the man's  face  looking beneath the bed. There is no-one there. Cut to the same view  of  the  woman's  face on the opposite side of the  bed.  They  both  cautiously  straighten up and look across the level of the  bed.  There  are two ghosts, a man and a woman, kissing  and  cuddling each other on the bed.

 

                                                                                  THE  END.  

© No part of this synopsis story or screenplay may be reproduced,  stored in a retrieval system  or transmitted,  by any means or in  any  form,  including electronically,  either wholly  or in part,  without  written  permission from the copyright holders. 

©  Copyright David Barry. 1968.