10 years ago

I was lost, searching desperately for something but I couldn’t remember through the fog. It was too difficult to see anything, everything was a mess. Covered in a metallic, inky substance, I squinted through the mess, my grubby fingers sliding along the cabinets as I searched. I was in the kitchen, standing on the barstool, reaching desperately upwards, struggling to remain aloft as my wet fingers, covered in the substance, grabbed ahold of something fluffy, something comforting. A happy squeal left my mouth as I remembered, Rabbit!

    My happiness was extremely short lived, however. I slipped and fell, my child feet giving out underneath me, slippery with-- what was it? As I fell, a soft cushion caught my landing, loud sounds that I didn’t understand emerging through the room. Daddy. I had fallen back on Daddy’s fluffy tummy, his still figure making it easier to break my fall.

  I became tired. Lazy. As my heavy eyelids closed, I could hear Rabbit whispering close to me, You’re late, Alice! You’re so very late!

Present day

 

I threw my rabbit across the room, frustrated. “You lied to me, Rabbit!” I screamed, delirious with anger. I clenched my fists. “I trusted you! How could you do this to me? Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I couldn’t stand his voice anymore! Whispering such terrible nonsense to me. I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted to rip my head out. I didn’t understand what he was telling me, how he could tell me such terrible things. I began to taste salt as tears fell down my cheeks, emotionally distraught. I clenched my head between my hands, screaming as he danced around me, taunting me with his evil words.

 I ran to the corner, Rabbit racing right behind me, pulling on my dress, whispering terrible, terrible things.

You’re worthless, Alice.

She’s running to the corner. Is she trying to hide from us?

Stupid idiot, don’t you know we can see you?

We’ll always see you.

You have to come to Wonderland, Alice. You have to get away. They won’t see you there.

“I won’t go back! I can’t!”

You must!

They’re coming for you, Alice. They’re going to poison you! Go to Wonderland while you can!

I heard sounds from the outside, frightening noises as a commotion became caught in a whirlwind. I couldn’t see anything past the sea of white, people grabbing me, but all I could hear was the constant hum of the voices telling me to disappear.

   I struggled, squeezing my eyes shut, begging to let me go, let me vanish with the wind to Wonderland, where I could run free. My body began to shut down almost automatically, and I could feel myself leaving my body, my form slumping, fading, fading…

I jolted awake, gasping for breath, my vision so unbelievably bright that I had to close my eyes again to see past the brightness. I was slouched over in the neon grass, flowers nearby whispering as they saw me appear out of nowhere. The voices were gone.

    I stood up slowly, catching my breath as I gazed over the grassy green hills, flowers dancing in the wind, some of them singing to the sun, others whispering as they picked and fidgeted at their petals. The forest lay close by, an ominous reminder of what lay inside this curious land.

  I ignored the picky comments of the flowers, stepping carefully past them to avoid them complaining about the “large human” destroying their beauty. Quite cocky, those flowers. My thoughts drifted, thinking of the elaborate beauty of this strange place, wondering if I had been the only human to step foot inside Wonderland. I passed the thick trunks of the growing trees, sprouts of greenery coming down to brush past me as I wandered into the forest, knowing that if I didn’t cross through it, I’d be stuck in the Hills forever.

   I finally came across the signs, pointing this way and that, telling me to go this way, that way, up, down, which ways, that ways. I caught one of the smaller signs, which could have been easy to bypass if I had been paying closer attention, it’s simple yet alluring sign saying, You’re late. I stopped in my tracks and bent down to examine it further, taking it’s deep red color. Touching it, I was surprised when my fingers came away with a metallic substance, similar to a strange memory I had…

  I brought my fingers close to my face, smelling the inky substance. I jolted back as I realized that it was blood. Blood? What was blood doing on the sign?

    My heartbeat started to accelerate as I realized where the sign led. I looked up, the path that led to it smoky and distant, dead leaves and branches falling on the ground, mist leading to a land beyond. Forming out of nothing, I saw a familiar eerie smile appear, black and purple stripes morphing into Chessie. A weight of relief fell over me as he smiled at me, his guidance surely to lead me to wherever it was I needed to go.

  “Hey Chessie,” I sighed. His smile remained permanent, a hum filling the silence as he closed in on me, examining with his large yellow eyes. He tilted his head at me.

      “Alice,” he hissed, dragging out my name. “What brings you back to Wonderland? Last time I checked, you swore you’d never return.”

   I swallowed nervously, glancing around at the now cryptic darkness that overtook the entirety of my vision. I looked back at him, smiling tightly. “Well, I’ve returned now. I’m not sure why, but I’m here. Do you know where I’m supposed to go, Chessie?”

  He spun around again, to face me upright, one of his claws coming up to tap his grin pensively. “I’m not sure. Are you supposed to go somewhere?”
  I rolled my eyes at him, feeling my patience rise. He chuckled at my impatience. “Keep up, Alice,” his voice a persistent drawl, his feline body vanishing and quickly appearing further down the trail.

   I hesitantly followed him down the trail, rubbing my elbows as I did so, the dark environment keeping me anxious. Howls of wind would gust, blowing impatiently at Chessie and I, protesting our presence. I could’ve sworn I heard a whisper: Go back. Go back. She’s coming. Go back.

Chessie turned around eventually, turning his furry body down, his yellow slitted eyes flashing as he did so. “Watch where you step, dear,” he purred, rubbing against my hair as he did so. I looked down, suddenly feeling a squish underneath my footsteps, my bare feet catching against the wetness of the suddenly messy ground. Where I thought I had been stepping on dead leaves and dirt, instead I found my toes caked with blood, my skin stained with it’s unmistakable taint.

  I could feel my breathing become hollow, a scream resting in my chest, ready to be belted out. Panic was egging at me, leave, leave, leave, that I wasn’t supposed to be here. “Chessie, we have to go,” I begged, my voice rising into a whine, unable to take it. Whose blood was I stepping in? Where were we going?

He vanished into thin air, the exacti way he appeared. I paused, my breathing turning to full scale hyperventilating, my feet wet in the pools of cold blood. I took a step forward and paused, trying to gauge where I was heading, determined to see wherever it was he was taking me. That was when I heard it:

“Oh, you’re so late, Alice! Very, very late!”

I let out a breath of relief when I saw Rabbit’s small figure bounce towards me, his beady red eyes looking overjoyed. His nose twitched with his little paw, thumping to the rhythm of the clock dangling around his neck. “Days late, Miss Alice! Just where have you been?”

“Well, I wasn’t very keen to come with you being so rude to me, Rabbit. Just where did you find such language?”

  He tilted his head at me, his eyes confused. “What are you talking about, Miss Alice? I’ve only been begging for you to come.”

  I shook my head at him, persistent to tell him he was wrong. I hadn’t even noticed that I had walked to where Chessie had been leading me, but I suppose Rabbit distracted me. We had finally arrived to where they wanted me: The Mad Hatters Table.

  On the Table were dozens of curious items, a shoe with an ax over it, a half eaten cake, teacups with worms in it, a teapot filled with nothing but dirt. At first I thought that the Hatter was going to jump out at me to surprise me as he always did, but he was gone. He had disappeared. I turned around to face the Rabbit, him now pacing the length of the table. “Rabbit,” I asked, my fingers wandering over a teacup filled with cake. “Where is the Mad Hatter? I thought today was his unbirthday.”

  Rabbit shrugged, his furry ears coming forward, almost as if he were protecting himself. “I’m not very sure, Miss Alice. I suppose I’m as confused as you are. Anyway, that’s not why I brought you here. I brought you here because I’m your guide, Alice. You know that. I’ve been with you ever since you were a baby.”

 I nodded. “I understand, Rabbit, I just don’t get why you brought me all the way over here to tell me that.”

  He nodded, keeping his pace, wandering over to where there was an assortment of cutlery. “Do you remember your eighth birthday, Alice?”

  I thought about that, but found no memory. “No,” I said. “Not at all.”

He bent over and retrieved a large knife, one that was caked in blood. “You know what this is, correct?”

I stared at him, my blood going cold. “What are you trying to tell me, Rabbit.”

An odd grin lit up his face as he handed me the knife. “Remember, Alice. You need to remember.”

 “What are you talking about, Rabbit?” The knife felt strangely familiar in my hands; there was a memory attached to it, I just couldn’t remember it.

    He disappeared all of a sudden, the last thing I remembered being that cold grin that mocked me, tricking me into remembering, my entire body going cold as I collapsed to the grass, covered in blood, being totally submerged in it, until the blood dragged me under the ground, deep, deep, deep….

He was raging again, screaming, angry. I had been bringing him a glass of water and I had dropped it, clutching Rabbit in my hand, his soft fur consoling me, his doll like eyes staring at me happily. Daddy chased me around the house until he cornered me in the bathroom, his tall body towering over me. I was only eight years old.

   He was shouting profane things, telling me I was a mistake, that I was crazy just like my mother, that he wished he had never met her or had me. I was crying, sobbing uncontrollably, my tiny body trying to absorb the shock as he began to hit me, his large hands dragging me out of the bathroom, bruises swelling everywhere. He took me to the living room, where he had been earlier, both of us watching my favorite movie, Alice in Wonderland. I began to forget right there what had happened, it happened so quickly. I began to lose consciousness, my eyes gazing with tears at the screen as he hit me again and again. I’m not sure what happened. I snapped. I rolled over as he was ready to pummel me right into the ground, limping quickly to the kitchen. The first thing I saw was a knife. I remembered once that Daddy cut himself using it and I thought to myself that I could cut him up and run outside for help.

He was right on me. I jumped up and grabbed the knife, and before he could see what I was doing, I stabbed him. The knife went in effortlessly, like a knife through butter. I remember I started laughing, laughing uncontrollably as I sunk the knife in again and again, his figure slumping over to the ground. I was free now. He wouldn’t scream anymore.

 I suppose I had thrown Rabbit to the side. So I was lost for a bit. I couldn’t see through the blood that now splattered all over the kitchen. I was late. I was very, very late.

The doctor peered through the glass at her, her body writhing under the restraints. She was remembering again. The young nurse glanced at her, then at the doctor curiously. “What patient is this?” She asked calmly as she examined the clipboard.

The doctor pushed his glasses up his nose, sighing. “Alice Liddell. Murdered her father at the age of eight and has been institutionalized ever since. She can’t even be tried in court, because her insanity is so severe.”

 The nurse frowned. “Does she even come out of her consciousness?”

He shrugged. “Sometimes. She’s a rare case: Schizophrenia and Dissociative Fugue. She didn’t forget on purpose, her mind just did it to protect her. She’s not even aware she’s in an asylum right now.”

 The nurse paused, glancing over at the doctor. “Where does she go?” She whispered, her eyes filling with pity over the case of the poor, crazy girl who didn’t even know where she was.

The doctor turned away from the scene behind the window, and looked out, to the outside world where people were clueless, totally oblivious to the horrors of the girls mind.

“We like to say she goes down the rabbit hole.”