8/22/14

 

Dragons vs Unicorns. Tommy was always thinking up creative ideas about his favourite mythical creatures. What he didn’t know was that they were thinking about him too. One day, in the great Dragon Lands, the Lord of Dragons, Gilgathor, came up with a plan to finally end the century long war with the unicorns. He gathered his counsel.

    “Silcon,” said Gilgathor, “You have more experience in the human world than any of us. You must go and bring us this Tommy, so that we may exploit his gifts and destroy those fucking horned ponies.”

    Silcon, was afraid. He had never had a good experience with people before.  “Okay, Lord,” He responded knowing he would be fed to the giants if showed anything other than encouragement for Gilgathor’s idea.

    That night, when Tommy was sleeping, Silcon snuck into his bedroom. “Hello small person,” said Silcon.

    “Holy shit, a dragon,” exclaimed Tommy when he awoke.

 

8/25/14

 

    “Yes, small one, I am a dragon,” said Silcon. Tommy was amazed. He never thought he would get to see a real dragon.

    “You must come with us,” Silcon notified the boy, “It is imperative to our quest.”

    “And what would that be?”

    “To travel to Ponylandia and slay those foul Unicorns where they stand.”

    “Sounds like fun!” exclaimed Tommy as he hopped on Silcon’s back and rode away to Here There Be Dragons, which, as everyone knows, is where Dragons live.

    When they arrived, Gilgathor was waiting for them.

    “What took you so long?” he asked

    “What the fuck?!” Exclaimed Silcon, “I left like five minutes ago.”

    “You mean five years,” said Gilgathor. It was true. Silcon had stopped at McDonalds for a burger and didn’t leave for five years. This odd dragon customer was the cause of six suicides, three people being put in a mental ward, and eight new charities.

    “Oh shit, I must have lost track of time,” said Silcon.

 

8/26/14

 

    What Silcon was referring to was actually not McDonalds, but Hardees. He had stopped there first and slept for three hours. He had slept at McDonalds for five years, but the clock only appeared to have moved two minutes time. This has nothing to do with the story, but is interesting nonetheless.

    “We have no room for Dragons who cannot accomplish their objectives,” Gilgathor notified Silcon, “And therefore have no use for you.” Silcon was about to point out that he had brought Tommy to his king, but was interrupted when he was suddenly turned into a pile of ash.

    “Now that that’s out of the way, we may begin your training, young human,” said the King of the Dragons.

    “But what will I have to train for?” asked Tommy, “I don’t see how I can be of any use to you.”

    “My dear boy,” Gilgathor uttered, “You are more important than you could ever imagine.”

Just then, a siren went off and a voice came down from the heavens.

    “Dragons of Here There Be Dragons,” the voice said, “Bow down to your superiors, the Unicorns of Unicornia.” Tommy was beginning to think that they were all really bad at naming stuff.

    “Never!” Shouted Gilgathor, “We would rather die than bow to you.”

    “Then you shall have your wish.”

 

8/27/14

 

    “Tommy, do something!” yelled Gilgathor.

    “Do what? I haven’t been trained yet!”

    “God damn it Tommy, we’re going to get slaughtered!”

    “Right you are,” said a voice from behind Tommy. He turned around to see what appeared to be a donkey with a paper cone taped to it’s head.

    “You call yourself a unicorn?” Tommy asked.

    “Well, um, yeah,” the creature replied.

    “You look like a donkey with a paper cone taped to his head.”

    “There may be some technicalities of that nature, yes.”

    “And you,” said Tommy turning to Gilgathor, “You can breathe fire! Why don’t you just roast these suckers?”

    “Unicorns are resistant to flame,” the Dragon Lord answered.

    “They aren’t Unicorns,” Tommy notified him. With that Gilgathor took a deep breathe and a giant ball of flame erupted from his mouth, killing all of the donkeys.

    “I knew there was a reason I kept you around,” said Gilgathor.

    “Dude, I’ve only been here for like five minutes.”

    Gilgathor ignored him and continued, “Are all unicorns like that?”

 

2: Chapter 2

8/28/14

 

    “It depends,” Tommy answered him, “Do all Unicorns look like donkeys with paper cones taped to their heads?”

    “I don’t know,” responded the dragon.

    “What do you mean you don’t know? You’re the king of the dragons, you must have seen a unicorn before!”

    “Well, it was never, um, something I cared to see.”

    “I thought you’d been in a war with them for a century!”

    “Yes, but that doesn't mean that I’ve seen them.”

    Tommy was at a loss. The great Gilgathor, king of the mighty dragons had never seen a unicorn before. “Then gather me your three greatest knights.”

    “What for?” the king asked him.

    “I will lead a party to march on the walls of wherever the unicorns live.”

    “Which one?”

    “What do you mean which one?” Tommy asked.

    “The unicorns live in two places: Unicornia and Ponylandia.”

    “Well given that that attack just came from Unicornia, I’m going to guess that they aren’t really much of a threat.”

    “Then you shall march on the walls of Ponylandia. I will gather you my three best dragons. Until then, sleep, you will need to be well rested for your journey tomorrow.” And with that, Tommy went to sleep. Right there. On the ground. In the Middle of Here There Be Dragons. Tommy is fucking weird.

    When the weirdo awoke there were four dragons standing above him. They were Gilgathor, king of the dragons, Svetlana, a dragon with a particular knack for pyronetics, O’Malley the Scottish dragon, and Jackary, the dumbest dragon in recorded history.

 

9/2/14

 

    Violet was always thinking up stories about her favorite mythical creatures. Little did she know, they were thinking about her too. Far off, in the land known as Ponylandia, Dillpikel, queen of the unicorns, gathered her counsel.

    “Westen,” she said, “You have more experience in the human world than any of us. You must go and bring us this Violet so that we may exploit her gifts and destroy those fucking giant lizards.”

    “But Dillpikel,” said Westen, “Isn’t this just the same story the author already wrote, except now it deals with Unicorns instead of dragons,”

    “God, Westen,” said Dillpikel, “You can’t just break the fourth wall like that. It’s against the rules.”

    “Well maybe I don’t want to sleep in a fastfood restaurant for five years before being turned to ash.”

    “Unicorns are resistant to flames, Westen,” the queen said.

 

9/3/14

    

    After much persistence from the queen, Westen finally opted to commit suicide rather than go into the human world to retrieve Violet. His role was instead taken by Mustard, who had no sense of what else had gone on in the story. He fell asleep in a Burger King. To add to the drama, a knight passed through that Burger King and slayed the unicorn while he slept.

    Understanding the role she had to play in the story, Violet opted to go in search of Ponylandia rather than wait for another Unicorn to collect her. She found it in under an hour because Violet can actually get shit done.

    After arriving, Violet gathered the strongest Unicorns and told them her battle plan. They were to send the fake unicorns from Unicornia, in order to distract the dragons of Here There Be Dragons. This would lead them to march on the walls of Ponylandia, at which point they would be able to slaughter them and their champion. Violet really knows her shit. I think I might be rooting for her to win this war.

    Anyway, she was right, and soon enough, there came Tommy and his strong dragons.

 

9/5/14

 

    Let’s backtrack a little bit. Before Tommy began to march on the walls of Ponylandia, he devised a battle strategy. Deciding that both he and Gilgathor knew too little about the unicorns, he would employ some people who did know about them. The obvious choice was wizards.

    Tommy, Sventlana, O’Malley, and Jackary traveled for three days before reaching the Wizards’ Tower. It was tall, at least 777 stories high, it touched the sky. He knocked on the front gate and a voice answered, “Who goes there?”

    “It is I, Tommy, Champion of the Dragons, he who would vanquish the unicorns, and defender of giant fucking lizards,” Tommy responded, “I would like to request help from the wizards for my quest.”

    “Wizards and dragons have long been friends,” the voice told him, “but be warned, if things do not go well, we will make the story go in a completely different and somewhat odd direction.”

    “I understand, mysterious voice,”

    “Very well.” Then the gates opened up and a swarm of little men wearing pointy hats poured out from it.

    “We are here to kill donkeys with paper cones taped to their heads,” they all said in unison.    

    “We were actually going to go after the other ones,” Tommy explained. The wizards didn’t understand and Tommy had to take a couple hours to explain his theory that the donkeys were actually decoys sent by Ponylandia to distract them. Tommy really knows his shit, too. Wow, this is going to be a close one.

    Anyway, they eventually made it to Ponylandia with the wizards.

    “Here we are,” said Tommy, “The gates of Ponylandia. Today we destroy the city, kill the unicorns, and end this war!” They all broke down the gate and swarmed into the city. Violet and her army of unicorns were waiting for them, although the wizards were a bit of a surprise. It didn’t matter, this was the unicorns’ home territory and they had the advantage. Svetlana and O’Malley circled the skies, setting fire to all the buildings, but, of course, not to the unicorns. They are resistant to flames. Jackary, meanwhile, began to eat the wizards. It was a slaughter, between the unicorns stabbing wizards with their horns and Jackary eating lunch, Tommy’s army didn’t stand a chance. As a last resort, one of the wizards opened up a portal and pushed Tommy through. At least their commander would stand a chance.

    Tommy had no idea where he was. Really old cars passed him on street, and people were all dressed funny. He could tell he was back in the human world, but it didn’t appear to be the time he came from. Tommy bought a newspaper at a stand with money that the wizard had magicked into his pocket. It was April 23rd, 1923.

    “Oh shit, it’s 1923,” said Tommy, “What the fuck am I supposed to do in 1923?” That’s when he felt a gun press against his back.

    “Are you a Dragon or are you a Unicorn?” the man asked him.

    “Neither, I’m a human.”

    “Don’t fuck with me, everyone in Chicago knows there’s a gang war going on between the Dragons and the Unicorns. So which one are you?”

    Tommy took a chance and said, “Dragons.”

    “Okay, you’re cool. I’m Silvester Connolley. My friends call me Sil Con.” Tommy was very confused. “Follow me, I’ll take you to our base.”

    Tommy followed Sil Con down the streets of Chicago until they reached a heavily guarded building. A gangster was waiting at the entrance.

    “Hello Tommy, I am Gilbert Georgia Thor, leader of the Dragons.” Tommy just about pissed himself. “My friends call me Gil.”

 

3: Chapter 3

9/8/14

 

    “Let me guess what happens next,” said Tommy, “You’re gonna kill Sil Con for taking too long.”

    “Right you are, Tommy,” said Gil GA Thor before shooting Sil Con in cold blood, “I never really liked him anyway.”

    “We’re gonna have to move fast,” Tommy told him, “The Unicorns have sent in some men to kill us, but don’t worry, they aren’t real unicorns.”

    “What are they then?”

    Tommy had to bite his tongue to stop himself from saying “donkeys”. “They’re just hired guns,” he said.

    Then a voice came from outside the door.

    “Dragons, open up, it is your superiors, the Unicorns. You are going to either give this up, and disband, or face death.”

    “FUCK YOU, WE’D RATHER DIE!” Shouted Gil GA Thor.

    The fake unicorns busted down the door only to be met by a rain of fire.

    “I thought Unicorns were resistant to bullets,” said Gil GA Thor when all the fake unicorns were killed.

    “What do you mean?”

    “They have vests that stop them.”

 

9/9/14

 

    “Dude, bullet-proof vests have been in circulation for years,” Tommy told the leader of the Dragons.

    “Yeah, but they can actually afford them.”

    “You mean the Dragons are having financial difficulties?”

    “There may be some technicalities of that nature, yes.”

    “I can see only one further course of action,” said Tommy, “We are to stay here and not charge on the walls of Ponylandia… I mean their base.”

    “Okay?...” said Gil GA Thor

    Violet and her Unicorns waited for quite some time before getting fed up with their rivals. They had attacked them, weren’t the dragons going to retaliate? Finally she decided to gather her men, and attack.

 

9/10/14

 

    It was late at night when the Unicorns found the Dragons’ base. The first thing Tommy would notice was Violet, leader of the unicorns, and how in her hand lay a jar of dill pickles. It struck him as odd. What could the author possibly be trying to convey to the audience? Is it the fact that while Tommy is still just a tool of Gil GA Thor, Violet is actually in control and Dillpikel is actually a tool of Violet’s? He didn’t have long to ponder the thought though, as Violet smashed the jar on his head, knocking him out. He awoke in a camp of Dragons. Not the gang members, but actual dragons. They had a wizard amongst them.

    “Sorry,” the wizard said, “I didn’t mean to send you to an alternate universe.”

    “That’s okay,” said Tommy, “I think it helped me understand what was going on in the story.”

    “Good, plus you’ll have a better understanding of what that place is, when the author sends you back later on.”

    I’m going to ignore the obvious questions this statement creates because I just don’t want to deal with them. Instead, let’s look at Violet. She is being bathed in the glory of the unicorns glorious victory over the dragons and yet, she is disappointed. For while many enemies lost their lives in the fight, Tommy, champion of the dragons, lives to spend another day in this fucked up story.

    “Dillpikel,” Violet said in her first piece of dialog, “I would like you to arrange a meeting with this Tommy.”

 

9/11/14

 

    Tommy and his band of survivors began the long trek back to Here There Be Dragons. There were only two of the dragons, Svetlana and Jackary, as well as the wizard who called himself… well Tommy couldn’t pronounce it.

    “So Jedd,” said Tommy before being cut off.

    “I told you, I would prefer if you used my real name, Jeddfklshfland Aodja 23kzxjfh.”

    “I bet you can’t even say it the same way twice,” Tommy said.

    “Jeddfklshfland Aodja 23kzxjfh,” the wizard reponded, obviously using Copy and Paste.

    “Well fuck you.”

    It was a long and hard journey, Ponylandia and Here There Be Dragons are like, really super far apart. It’s actually pretty nuts how much these guys hate each other considering they live half a continent away. You know, I could really take this time to explain to you the geography of this world I’ve created, but that would be dumb. As Terry Pratchett said, “You can’t map a sense of humor.” So instead, we’ll just say it took them a very long time, they were extremely bored, and ended up a bit surprised when they got back to Here There Be Dragons. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what they were surprised at yet because some stuff has to happen with Violet first.

    Oh Violet, you’re so much cooler than Tommy. Instead of waiting for Tommy to get back and set up an appointment with him, Violet simply decided to go to Here There Be Dragons and wait for him. She was immediately put in prison for crimes against dragonkind, but Violet had a “Get Out of Jail Free” Card and they were forced to let her go. Once out of prison, she began preaching to the dragons of Here There Be Dragons. She told them of the wonderful lives by the Unicorns of Ponylandia. The dragons began to look at their lives, they looked at their choices. Were they really happy living under a ruler who didn’t even know what a unicorn looks like? This war was really kind of stupid wasn’t it? They didn’t even live near Ponylandia. Plus, that Violet really has a way with words. It was crazy how good she was with words. She was so good with words that she somehow convinced all of the dragons to rush over to Gilgathor’s den, dethrone him, and elect Violet as their sovereign ruler. Violet was really good with words.

    Now we’re ready for Tommy to arrive.

 

9/12/14

 

    Tommy was taken aback when he reached the gates of Here There Be Dragons and was thrown in a dungeon, and chained to a wall. The only explanation he received was “By Order of the Ruler of Here There Be Dragons.” So naturally he was very confused. He didn’t have much of sense of what was going on in the story, unlike his superior, Violet. After a couple of years, Violet came to visit him.

    “So you’re probably wondering why I’ve had you thrown into a dungeon,” she told him.

    “Wait. You’re the ruler? I thought I had just pissed Gilgathor off,” he responded.

    “Oh no,” she said, “We had him killed before you had even returned.”

    “And what about Jackary and Svetlana?”

    “They were put down as well.”

    “Don’t act like they’re dogs,” Tommy yelled, “They weren’t some sort of animals!”

    “Actually,” she corrected him, “They were.”

    “Take that back, you son of a bitch.”

    “I don’t have to listen to you. Don’t you understand? I am the ruler of both the unicorns and the dragons. I have total control over everything. There is no one who can stop from doing what I want.”

    “Not if I have anything to do with it.”

    “What a cliche line. I came here to tell you that your execution date has been set for next Tuesday. It’s Friday now. So you have half a week to figure out how you can stop me.” And with that, Violet left.

    I wish I could tell you that Tommy figured out a way to stop Violet, who has unintentionally become the antagonist of this story. But I love Violet, and kind of want her to win. So Tuesday comes and goes along with Tommy’s life.

 

4: Chapter 4

9/15/14

 

    Just so we’re clear, Violet is actually the color violet. Her hair is violet, her skin is violet, her eyes are violet. Tommy was black before he was dead. Even the gangsters were all shades of blue and orange. There are no white people in this story. Now, moving on.

    I really like having two main characters in my story, so we’re going to continue with that. Now is the part where you get really hopeful because maybe it’s Tommy I’m bringing back. Could it be true? Could he have just let Tommy be dead for the weekend before dramatically bringing him back from the dead? No. Tommy is fucking dead. Get over it.

    In the years after Tommy’s death, Violet got a voice change and met her first significant other. She is the new main character. Her name is Joshua, and she was born a slave girl in Here There Be Dragons. She has fiery red hair, and green skin. She caught Violet’s eye one day as she was walking through the marketplace. Violet immediately killed the slave owner with her bare hands and began her life with Joshua because Violet is my favorite character.

    Every character needs their own struggles, however, so Joshua doesn’t share the same political views as Violet. Naturally, when the next election comes, and GIlgathor II (pronounced Dave) ran against Violet, Joshua supported him. This caused a rift in the relationship between the two main characters. Violet thought that her girlfriend ought to be giving her full emotional support, but Joshua thought she just needed to be true to herself. This caused them to have a major breakup, but Violet didn’t force her back into slavery because Violet is cool.

 

9/16/14

 

    Gilgathor II, was not the son of Gilgathor, but rather of God. He wasn’t aware of this, but everyone else was. Whenever he would walk into a room, all the people would mumble to each other, “Oh look, it’s the son of God.” On a different note, is it religiously okay to make a Dragon basically Jesus?

    After her breakup with Violet, Joshua needed a shoulder to cry on. It ended up being the scaly shoulder Gilgathor II. No, she is not going to fuck the dragon, this isn’t Game of Thrones. I actually let one of my characters live.

    Moving on. They developed a close friendship, but one day Joshua stepped on a Magical Poison Snake (they aren’t magical) and died instantly. Oh my god, this is Game of Thrones. When Violet heard the news she was distraught. She never wanted Joshua to die. Both she and Gilgathor II came up with the same plan. They were going to go to Hell (Everyone assumed that’s where Joshua went) and get her out. I’m basically writing Orpheus and Euridice.

    After many months of searching for the entrance to Hell, they both found it at the same time.

 

9/17/14

 

“Well this is awkward,” said Gilgathor II (still pronounced Dave), “I guess we could work together to save her?”

    “That would be a good idea, if you weren’t such a fucking moron,” said Violet in her new voice, “I think we should work separately to achieve the same thing.”

    “Well how will the other know if she’s already been saved?”

    “You won’t.”

    They crossed the gate and saw two different paths each one had a sign pointing to it.

    “Well this one says ‘Joshua is Down Here’,” Violet said, “And this one reads ‘Joshua is not down here’, so I think I’ll take the first one.”

    “But everyone knows Satan in incapable of lying,” said Gilgathor II.

    “That’s why I’m taking this one.”

    And so they went their separate ways down into Hell. I think I would prefer to follow Violet on her quest, so you can forget about Gilgathor II for now. He doesn’t show up again until later. Violet followed this long and winding road deep down into the pits of Hell. She encountered many creatures like a three headed cat and a moth with two hundred pairs of wings.

 

9/18/14

    The worst creature she would face, was not really a creature, however. It was the ghost of Tommy (surprise! I did bring him back!) and he was pissed.

    “Violet!” he roared, “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I DIED AND WENT TO HELL BECAUSE OF YOU!”

    “I’m sorry, Tommy,” she pleaded, “I just wanted complete and total control over everything.”

    “NO EXCUSES.” He bellowed, “You have taken from me what is mine, and so I shall take it from you.” And thus, Tommy began possessing the body of my favorite character, who may or may not come back.

    Tommy never bothered to find out why Violet had come to Hell, so he didn’t bother to try to find Joshua. It’s totally okay though because Joshua actually went to heaven. You know what? I should maybe talk about her.

    Joshua was met at the Pearly White Gates by an elderly black woman named God.

    “Who are you?” asked Joshua.

    “Joshua, you ignorant slut,” said God, “You know what? Maybe I made a mistake bringing you up here.”

    So God cast Joshua down to Hell, but she missed and Joshua landed back in Here There Be Dragons. At this point she re-entered her life of slavery. Sorry, Joshua.

 

9/19/14

 

    When Tommy, possessing Violet, climbed out of Hell and went back to Here There Be Dragons, he/she was expected to kill Joshua’s new slave owner. Tommy didn’t know who she was though, so he was super confused when he saw her in the market place.

    “Violet!” yelled Joshua, “I’m sorry! Please kill this one too.”

    Tommy tried to ignore what he thought was just a weird ass slave who meant nothing to anyone. Her slave owner, when he realized he was going to live, turned to Joshua and punched her in the fucking face.

    “You do not get to speak,” he roared before punching her again.

    Tommy did have some morals though, even if he did think it was okay to possess Violet. So he/she drew the sword that was by their belt and chopped off the slave owner’s head. Tommy then claimed Joshua as his/her own slave, for they had bested the previous owner in both combat and life (or is it death in Tommy’s case?).

    Back at the palace, this story could go one of two ways. Way one is that Joshua just fulfills her duties as a slave. Way two is a little bit more awkward. Way one it is.

 

9/22/14

 

    Joshua realized very quickly that something was wrong with Violet. She just wasn’t herself. For one thing, Joshua was still being used as a slave. For another thing, she kept trying to use a urinal. Joshua would have thought it better to think nothing of it had she not been in love with Violet. So Joshua decided to go out into the forest one night and find the wizard called… well, Joshua couldn’t pronounce it.

    “So, what brings you to the cottage of Jeddfklshfland Aodja 23kzxjfh?” he asked when Joshua arrived at his door.

5: Chapter 5

9/23/14

 

    “Oh, is that how you say it?” said Joshua in a voice that’s easier for Andy to use all the time.

    “Why does everyone in this story have a hard time pronouncing my name?” asked Jeddfklshfland Aodja 23kzxjfh.

    “Maybe it’s because the dumb shit author gave you the hardest name to pronounce that he could think of,” Joshua replied.

    “Anyway,” said the wizard, laughing, “What the fuck do you want.”

    “My former lover, Violet, is acting very odd lately.”

    “Oh yes, I sensed something strange.”

    “Did you really?” Violet asked hopefully.

    “No, that’s just something we wizards say so that the tourists will keep coming back. Let’s go cast a spell and figure out what’s up.”

    Joshua followed him over to a cabinet which the wizard opened. Inside was a magic wand. He picked it up.

    “Yes, I would like one large pepperoni pizza,” the wizard chanted.

    “Did you just order a pizza?”

 

9/24/14

 

    “No, that was a spell,” he informed her.

    “It sounded like you were ordering a pepperoni pizza.”

    “DO you want to know if Violet’s okay or not?”

    “Okay, yes, I do.”

    “She’s currently being possessed by former dragon champion, Tommy.”

    “You got that from ordering a pizza?”

    “No, he told me.”

    “What the fuck?” Joshua ran back to the castle to confront Tommy. She found him possessing Violet’s body in her bedroom. What was going on?

 

9/27/14

 

    “You’re not Violet,” Joshua said, stating the obvious.

    “Look who finally figured it out,” Tommy sneered. Tommy’s been acting really out of character since he’s started possessing Violet’s body. I guess dying really changes a guy.

    “Get out of her,” Joshua demanded.

    “I really wish I could,” Tommy told her, “but then I would die again. My instinct to survive just won’t let me do that.”

    “Fuck you,” Joshua told him, “That body belongs to Violet. It’s time for you to leave this story. Your time is over.”

    “Oh Joshua,” Tommy told her, “My time is never over, just read the description. This story is about me.”

    “Well maybe the author needs to update the description then.”

    “Hey, don’t bring me into this,” the author types, “This is about you guys, not me.”

    “You’re making a big mistake, Tommy,” Joshua warned, “because what you don’t realize is that I would rather Violet die than be possessed by the likes of you.”

    “Then do it,” Tommy responded, “Kill me, I bet you won’t.”

    Violet grabbed a sword by her bed. She was prepared to stick it in Tommy’s stomach when that dumb shit wizard, Jeddfklshfland Aodja 23kzxjfh, burst into her room.

    “Tommy! NO!” the wizard yelled before magic shot out of his hands. Joshua stared in amazement as Violet’s body fell to the floor.

    Tommy had no idea where he was. Really old cars passed him on street, and people were all dressed funny. He could tell he was back in the human world, but it didn’t appear to be the time he came from. Tommy bought a newspaper at a stand with money that the wizard had magicked into his pocket. It was April 30th, 1923.

    “God damn it, Jedd,” Tommy muttered before walking down the street to try and find the Dragons.

6: Chapter 6

9/29/14

 

    Hey, you guys remember Gilgathor II (pronounced Dave)? The one who was the literal son of God? Yeah, this is where he comes back.

    Gilgathor II had been traversing through Hell looking for Joshua for seventy two years before he finally managed to realize Joshua wasn’t down there. He began to make the slow trek back out of the pit and into the world of the living. When he arrived back in Here There Be Dragons, he found that the union between Ponylandia and Here There Be Dragons was no more. This story finally works with its title again.

    Joshua was now an old woman. Violet had been in a coma ever since Tommy left her body, but the wizard Jeddyougetthepoint had put a spell on her so that she wouldn’t age. This way I can keep using her in my story forever. Joshua, however, contracted cancer and only has three weeks to live. Her last wish is to see Violet out of her coma. I won’t let that happen, though because I am an asshole.

    When Gilgathor II saw Joshua, he was filled with instant relief. She was safe! All those years were wasted. Then he got angry at her for letting him suffer in Hell looking for her. So her spat fire at her and she died three weeks too soon.

    This greatly angered God. Her son couldn’t just go around killing people. It wasn’t right. She had an image to maintain. God was left with no other choice. She sent down the angel Githadriel to tell Gilgathor II he was disowned.

 

9/30/14

 

    Obviously Gilgathor II was having mixed feelings. For one thing, he didn’t even know that he was the son of God, and now he’d been disowned. On the other hand, Githadriel was pretty hot and God had sent him to Gilgathor II as a parting gift. Some things just work out in the end.

    Even though he had been disowned, Gilgathor II (who was having legal work done to change his name to Dave) still knew what he needed to do. He had Githadriel use his magical homosexual angel powers to wake up Violet. So yeah, she’s back now too. I bring people back to life more than Marvel. Damn.

    Well, Violet is bisexual, so she also fell in love with Githadriel. I really like pitting Gilgathor II (soon to be Dave) against her. Oh, I forgot! Since they’re both back, the election that was postponed for 72 years can finally take place. It’s Dave against Violet, only one can become ruler of the Dragons (the unicorns had just elected their new leader, none other than Jeddfklshfland Aodja 23kzxjfh, the wizard). It was intense, especially since Githadriel had told them he was only interested in people who can win elections, like President Obama.

 

10/1/14

    Eventually, the votes came in. It was a tie. God damn it. That’s really anticlimactic. We need a bigger climax. Okay, I’ve got it! The winner of the election is to be decided by combat. That’s very climactic. So here we have Violet, the author’s favorite character, and Dave (formerly Gilgathor II), ex-son of god. This is going to be good.

    Violet entered the arena with her violet hair blowing in the artificial breeze. Dave entered with his fire breathing capabilities and previous god-like powers. God had restored them for one day so that he would have a fair fight against the clear favorite, Violet. No one was sure how, but everyone thought she was going to win. They were probably right. Not much can stand in the way of Violet getting what she wants. Violet is a Slytherin.

It all happened far too fast for anyone to see, but in a matter of seconds, Violet was beaten into submission. The god-like powers really swung things in Dave’s power.

    Dave was thus elected King of Here There Be Dragons, after he waited for over seventy years. That’s a long time. The sad part, however, was that this meant Violet had gone from absolute power to no power. She was left helpless, homeless, and companionless. No one wants to wake up from a coma only to realize they have nothing left. She began to wait patiently outside of the local subway. She waited to die.

    Well that was depressing. I think we should make this next part a little happier, what do you say? No? Okay, sad it is.

 

10/2/14

    

    So how can I make this as sad as possible? Well, I could do my favorite thing and kill off a major character, like Violet, but I’m gonna make her suffer. Make her stronger. So instead we’ll just have the dragons go back to war with the unicorns.

    Violet decided that she could still make a helpful contribution to the war. So she got up out of her spot behind the local Subway and began walking over to Dave’s palace. When she got there she was stopped by the guards.

    “Sorry, you are no longer wanted here. Go back to the human world you piece of shit.”

    So, naturally, Violet broke their necks. She then proceeded to saunter into the palace, with one of the guards’ swords by her side.

 

10/3/14

 

    “Dave, you dragon piece of shit, I’ll fucking kill you,” Violet roared when she entered his chambers.

    “Violet, we already proved that you can’t do that.”

    “Really? How about when you don’t have god like powers?”

    “Violet, when I beat you, God restored my abilities. She took me back. I finally have a mom.”

    “Then you got what you want, now give me what I want: Here There Be Dragons.”

    “Get the fuck out of here you puny human. You have no powers her.”

    “Then at least let me help with the war.”

    “Violet, the only reason you’re still in this story is that the author likes you. You’re hardly a good protagonist anymore. It’s time for you to become a background character.”

    “I’d rather die!”

    “Is that really true, Violet?” the author typed, tears in his eyes, “You would rather die than just become a background character?”

    “Mr. author man, I was created a month ago, and ever since, I have been the center of attention, it’s all I know. So yes, I would rather die.”

    “Then it’s settled,” the author typed somberly, “Violet must become the ruler of Here There Be Dragons.”

    “But what about me?!” demanded Dave.

    “You will ascend into the heavens,” the author notified him, “so that you may, for the first time, be with your true family. Have a great afterlife, Dave.”

    And so everything I typed became true. Violet was immediately appointed Queen of Here There Be Dragons, in a unanimous ruling by the people of the state. Dave ascended to heaven to be with his mother. All was fine until one day…

    “Dragons of Here There Be Dragons,” yelled a wizard with an impossible to pronounce name, “Bow down to your superiors, the Unicorns of Ponylandia!”

    The dragons and unicorns were finally ready to start fighting again. That’s why you guys read/listen/proficy this story right? For the dragon vs unicorn action. Good. That’s what the story is about after all.