Hello I'm insignificant, I'm not going to tell you my name because its not important. I'm not important and the sooner you understand that the better. I wish I could say this derived from bullying or neglect. But no. Through my time growing up I just I came to this decision and since then I've lived my life like that.

Before I changed I was bubbly, loud and cheery. When I spoke you could probably hear me from the corridors, my laugh could be heard a mile off and my bubbliness was always to someone's annoyance. I was that sort of girl that couldn't care what people thought so I carried on regardless.

I wasn't the best looking girl, I was chubby but I liked to think my eyes and lips were my best features. A gift from above and all I needed to woo anyone. Other than that I did have big boobs and a butt but if I was slim they would be more effective.

I remember the day when I saw myself in the mirror and finally saw that what people said to me was true! I was big! Nothing hurts more than finally seeing what others saw. And also coming to terms with it. My solution was to stop eating! Turns out that it takes about.......days for your body to be on the verge of starvation so it couldn't hurt plus I would be doing my mother a favor not having to spending all her money on food and stuff. Another reason for me to shut myself off from the world.

I don't have much experience with guys, the only proper boyfriend I had broke my heart, one of the reasons why I was like this. The other guys weren't interested in me, all they wanted was to fiddle about with me. I went to bed many a night crying and I know I should be stronger but I just kept forgetting to keep my guard up. So as well as sorrow I was always filled with guilt for letting myself down. Mainly because I would fool myself into thinking if I let them do what they wanted they would like me. Once again I was wrong.

Then there was my best friend, it seemed like she took pleasure in taking what was mine and making it better. My best friend was the girl you wanted to be, she was sexy in every way. She was slim, curvy in the right places and she had some sort of mix in her making her exotic. Leaving me the bland friend who most people took pity on mainly because I a leech attached to her. But it wasn’t fair how she was with me, like she always had to do one better than me or do more than me. I'll give you an example when I got my first and only boyfriend she had to get one too and she had to shove it in my face! Realising that this was a pattern I failed to notice earlier I just backed away from everything and let her have it. Another reason why I was lonely. You can blame me for being lonely but after awhile you get tired of getting hurt repeatedly and having that moment of realisation that you are rubbish at what you do and no matter what you do someone could do better. You can't really blame me.

I haven't really spoken about my family because I don't have one. Literally I do but I don't feel like I have any. This feeling came the summer I turned 16, we were having a family gathering and my grandparents house was buzzing with everyone talking and catching up. Then somewhere on the brown couch sat a girl who was wearing a floral white summer dress, with her hair clipped to the back feeling absolutely alone. Despite the talking and laughter I felt alone and it was confirmed that I was alone when no one seemed to notice what was happening to me. I tried to confide in one of older cousins but they were adamant to helping me so from that day I declare myself alone! Til I turned 18 whenever we went over for family stuff I would just smile but there was no love there. I looked at them like food, I would eat them for whatever I felt like having and when I was finished I would throw them away. I looked at my mother the same way, she should have seen my pain, knowing she had gone through the same thing. Instead she ignored and pretended everything was alright. My mother was a single parent and appreciate everything she did for me considering my jerk of a father. Who only turned up on his birthdays to get something from me the nerve. On my 18th he shows up and tells me he's going to stop paying child support as I needed to take more responsibility and stop relying on him. I laughed in his face and told him he could take the child support he was supposedly paying and shove it where the sun don't shine! The bloody cheek! Since I left home for uni I haven't turned back once, I would call once in awhile but would never go home. I would send my mum money because she deserved it and I owed her that much.

At this moment in my life, I Iive in Hastings, Western coast of England. Working in a local cafe and everyday I would go back to my studio flat which had a decor that matched my personality, an abyss of emptiness and isolation. So this is an intro to my life and I will explain how it got worse.

The Boyfriend & others

I don't have much experience with guys, the only proper boyfriend I had broke my heart, one of the reasons why I was like this.

You see we were young and I was very stupid. I had to learn the hard way that when a guy told you he loved you it was only because they getting to sleep with you and it didn't matter if you head over heels with them. The truth was you were just an experiment for them and it didn't matter whether you'd pictured getting married, having kids, you were just a science project that would have to end eventually and when it ended they'll move on to the next project. This is what my first love did to me and its taken me forever to pick myself up.

We met when we were 14 and we had that kid love and relationship which was pure not yet tainted. He lived on my street and most days when coming to or from school I would bump into him. We would exchange glances and smiles until our street party, where he came and asked my name and we took off from there. I remember he made me laugh soo much especially when he started taking the mick out of the drunk adults.

We had fun together! Going to fanfares when they came to town, we went to the cinema a lot and went to have lunch or dinner at McDonald's which was our favorite restaurant. We would share those long hugs, quick pecks on the lips and no matter where we were, we would hold each others hands. Never letting go afraid we would lose each other if that happen.

Then we started noticing each other change. First it was his voice then he started bulking up. For me it was my boobs and bum. This fueled our attraction for each other and as expected we started experimenting. It started with making out, that's when we also started noticing our private parts because they seemed to wake up whenever we started it. We took it up a notch satisfying each other as we weren't ready for the big thing. We did it to make each other happy and at no time did either of us complain because we made each other happy. We started getting sophisticated, 1)we both had weekend jobs, 2) we were growing up and McDonald's didn't cut it as much. Our parents knew we were together and at times would allow us to stay at each others or some times let us go away. We finally had sex, it was awkward, very awkward! Being the smart guy he was he had studied me and my body and knew exactly what to do in the future always changing his technique so it was boring. We taught each other what worked for us and it was good and every time we did it he would tell me he loved me. This made me feel special as he knew my insecurities, about me being lonely and other things but he still wanted me! Being the fool I would feel lucky that my guy was mature and not afraid to tell me how he felt. Look where that thought got me. At times it became a problem because when we saw each other that's all we did and I eventually missed the 14 year old us. But then again we couldn't help it because we loved it and we never complained. At least I never did.

We were 2 separate people, for example at a party we were never talking to the same people. So if we went out and I saw all these girls flogging around him it didn't bother me because he was coming back to me. This was the confidence I had but sadly I lost it and it was a shame. During one holidays he happen to be ill and I thought I would go over and cheer him up. I'd bought this new laced lingerie which I wore under my coat and went over to his. When I got there he had gone to the chemist so I went to hide in his wardrobe and waited for him. Eventually he came and I was forced to watch him cheat with 3 different girl which included my best friend. I was angry mainly because I should have been the one making him cry out my name like that! With the 2 girls they did oral and he slept with my best friend. Anger left the building and sickness took over but I couldn't leave because I was frozen. I couldn’t wrap my head round how he could do this to me! When they finished he went out with his mum and I run out. I didn't want to be anywhere near him or things that belonged to him. As I run I heard someone shouting my name but it didn't register I had to get away. Then when I was stopped by the hand and saw his brother who had an uncanny resemblance to him I was sick all over him. He picked me up and rushed me home and held my hair whilst I wrenched my heart and guts out.

He had realised I was there as the abominations was going on. You might ask where my mother was and the answer was she and her boyfriend were in Greece. She was entitled to relax and have fun so don't be angry she didn't know it was going to happen. For the rest of that week I was constantly sick and it didn't help that his brother was helping me. I would see his face, be reminded why this was happening and then my guts just spewed out. When I stopped, his brother became my shoulder to cry on. I cried because now the pain was settling in and what it was doing to my heart. My heart hurt so much, it felt as if it was being tugged on constantly or it was being trampled on then as it was healing it would be trampled on again. It got so bad that I would cry in my sleep and it would wake me up then I would cry harder. All this time his brother would cradle me and try to comfort me. Even till now that I'm off the radar, he would give his love to my mum to give me.

But in the days to come I avoided my so called boyfriend like the plague and one evening he came over and his brother opened the door and things flew off the handle. I heard screaming and came down to see what was happening. He was screaming that he knew I was cheating on him, he was sick of me and crap about how our relationship was based trust. That's when I started laughing then I started yelling back and told him everything I saw and since we were talking about trust how should I react to that. He didn't speak, he just stood there mainly shocked that he had been caught. By then I was crying and rambling on about how I loved him and if he loved me he wouldn't have done those things. He just walked off. I instantly became crippled. Had the love of my life just walked away from me as I relayed my heart out to him. My heart felt tight in my chest. Nothing had ever prepared me for this or what was to come.

I didn't show up to school for 2 weeks. When I did after school I saw him come through my school gates with flowers. Being the fool, again, I thought he had come to say sorry and make it up to me. For sure I would make him work hard for me and at that thought I could feel myself smile. He started smiling at me and started walking in my direction but his eyes weren't on me. I watched him walk past me and straight to my best friend! I froze, what had just happened? I didn't understand. He went up to her and kissed her, not the way he kissed me but I couldn't see the love. Just lust and I personally thought we had both. They walked past me as if I wasn't there. I thought he loved me, that's what he told me but he'd never ever brought me flowers to school. Or had he ever even walked in to get me he usually just waited for me outside.

At times when I would remember that day I thought I was going to go crazy! Truth be told I was still dealing with it and I wasn't sure if I would ever get over it. After that I only came out for my exams, all my work was sent to me and I also began to put some weight on. Food became my best friend as it never disappointed to make happy plus I'd shut everyone out so what should I have expected. Nobody really fought to get to the root of the problem, once I said I was fine they just left. I wasn't one of those attention seeking kids so it hurt me the most that when I needed attention none was spared for me. Fueling me the more to want to be alone and to be believe I was alone.

Another heartbreak was the other guys. These were the boys I got shortly acquainted to when I managed to pick myself up. I say acquainted to because they weren't interested in me, all they wanted was to fiddle about with me. So most of them were short lived. I went to bed many a night crying and I know I should be stronger but I just kept forgetting to keep my guard up. So as well as sorrow I was always filled with guilt. Mainly because I would fool myself into thinking if I let them they would like me. Once again I was wrong. That was the routine till I finally gave up and just stayed alone void of male contact or attention.

My Present Life

It seems like all the decisions I'd made were wrong but I think getting my apartment was one good decision i'd made.

I found a job at the havens branch in Hastings for 6 weeks which allowed me to find a job in the town and an apartment. The people who rented the apartment to me where an old couple who were going travelling and needed a trustworthy person. Apparently I was. They were a bit skeptical at first because they thought I was those types of youths that would ruin their apartment and leave. But in the end they gave it to me.

I tried to make it homely but it looked like how I felt. Desolate and empty. The apartment had this white thing going on and feeling like crap I bought a brown recliner, clear coffee table and rocky chair. I had a pine 2x2 table with chairs even though I sat to eat by myself. I had colourful hard plastic dinner set as I needed to take the glum mood from my house. Then there was my bedroom. I had a double bed even though I curled up on one side, it just felt nice to have the space. My bedroom wall was blue and white and at times when I wanted to loose myself I would stare at the blue as if I was looking at the ocean.

My home was my solitude, where I could be who I really was. I didn't have to make pointless conversation with people who didn't care. Or have to smile at people to make them feel welcomed. When I came home I didn't have to do anything I could be the bum that I truly was.

I had a tv that I hardly watched and I use to read a lot. I stopped because I would get depressed about the happy endings that weren't happening in my life. Sometimes I could cry for days because of how low I would get and eventually I stopped because I couldn't keep feeling like this. So I stopped. So I resulted in staring out my window until sleep came over me.

In all my 3 years of living here none of my fellow employees had come over before no matter how many times they asked I always came up with some stupid excuse that I wasn't in. That was another reason I was alone. My life was a lie and the sad thing was I fell for it myself.

My Life is a Lie

The reason why my life is a lie is because I'm not who I say I am. Before this epiphany came to me, I use to believe my life was my own and no one influenced me in any way. People would tell me I was getting bigger but I never believed them because every time I looked at myself I saw the slim voluptuous girl of 15. So I just brushed people's comments aside as I felt they were overreacting and I carried on doing my own thing. Until one day I looked in the mirror and saw what everyone else saw.

All I could think was, how had this happened to me? The tears started spilling down, I could see who I really was and I couldn't be angry at anyone who made a comment like that again because it was truth just staring at them in the face. I felt embarrassed and ashamed, why me? It got to the point that at times I would feel nauseous looking at myself so, all together I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I thought I was untouchable, how could I face people now? This made me lose absolute confidence in who I was if I didn't know who I was then how was I meant to stand tall in front of people. So I cowered and became even more withdrawn and started to reevaluate me.

I discovered I had no clue who I was and everything I thought was me actually came from someone else. An example was my laugh, it was a mixture of my cousin Samantha and a friend Dani because I recall thinking they were people I wanted to be. Or my favorite food was rice and chicken because that's what my mum told me.

The only thing I could say was mine was the way I walked. I trained myself to walk in a way that my body would sway so that my curves would stand out more. At this moment it was pointless just like the existence of my being. So I scrapped any ideologies about myself and I decided to start afresh and my first task was to get myself back to how I use to look before. To achieve this I starved myself, after a few days it got better I didn't miss food and I thought this was good because I was saving money.

What I did realise about myself was that if I didn't like you, just looking at you would make me feel absolutely nauseous. So this in turn made me avert my eyes from people because I didn't want to puke on anyone. This obviously affected me because when that phase ended I couldn't look people in the eye. This was also to my demise.

I'll tell you something that's funny but to you might seem sad. I haven't celebrated my birthday in 6 years. I don't even have a drink to make me feel better. Usually my mum would call, wish me happy birthday and that was all.

It's October 24th, I'm standing at the cashier lost in my thoughts whilst waiting for a customer when Matt, this guy I work with grabs my wrist and I'm not only pulled out of my thoughts but I'm being pulled through the shopping aisles. Next thing I knew we were in the staff room standing in front  of a mirror.

"Take a good look at yourself. I don't like what I've been seeing these past few months. I don't know whether you've stopped eating or you're not looking after yourself properly but you've lost the glow you had before. Now your cheeks are sunken in, your frame seems more fragile and to put it bluntly you look close to death. I know you'll tell me nothing is wrong so I'm not going to ask I'm just going to state what we're going to do about. I'm coming over to yours tonight and I'm going to make you a proper meal and we can talk about what the problem is. I'm not taking no for an answer because I want the old you with your glow even though you didn't speak much." He stated confidently and all the while I couldn't get what he said about getting the old me back. I hated the old me with such a passion! She was just a nameless cog in this universe who thought that what she was doing was her will but turns out she was following what society told her to do. It was like when people told me that I was beautiful I would snicker at them because it seemed like they were blind to what was before them.

For a while I just stood and looked at the figure that I hadn't seen in months or maybe years. I felt sicker at this site than when I was bigger.

"So I'll see you after work in the car park since I don’t actually know where you live and we’ll go together." He said ever so silently and left me standing there. Suddenly I began to get worried, he couldn't come to my house. I didn't want anyone in my personal hell that reminded me that my existence was like the black hole that would eventually swallow this universe. He couldn't come over! For 3 years I've managed to keep people out and just because he's decided to state the obvious didn't mean he could just waltz in and start dictating things to me.

With this new determination I went to the manager and asked if I could finish a bit early because I had a doctor's appointment. I knew he would say yes because from the way matt was talking I knew I was the topic of the staff room. With that I finished stocking the shelves and left to go home in a haste.

At around 7 as I was about to get into the bath when my door bell went off and my first thoughts were it was my landlords. I switched the taps off in the bathroom and run to the door in my bathrobe. I opened the door and to my shock it was someone else.

How did he find me?! I immediately tried to shut the door but he already had half of his body through the door so I had to let him in. He walked in and took a look around and turned back to see me glaring at him with my arms folded.

"Okay so I followed you, whatever, I just can’t believe you tried to get out of my grip when I told there was no room for negotiations." He stated slightly frustrated but I wasn’t giving in.

"I don't care what you said this is my house and if I want you here I would have asked. So please leave." I responded

"Since you haven't invited me, I've invited myself. As I can see, you were either going to or you'd finished bathing. Either way go get ready whilst I sort out dinner." He said nonchalantly. As I stood there still glaring at this him he went out and brought in some shopping bags in and went towards my empty fridge.

"As I thought." He muttered to himself upon opening my fridge. This got so embarrassed, if he thought after all these months he could get me to eat then he'll have to think again! With this thought I stormed out the room towards the bathroom and the last thing I heard before slamming the door was dinner would be ready in 30 minutes. Why didn't he get the message? I don't want people around me! Why couldn't he just not care and leave me alone! I hadn’t cried in months but it was coming out now and all because of this idiot who wouldn't leave me alone.

I had this little hope that when I got to the lounge he wouldn't he around but there he was putting the dishes on the table. I went to sit down to see he'd made stir-fry and it smelt really good but he didn't need to know that. He brought out this drink that didn't look appetizing and I think my face might have been scrunched because he began to explain.

"It's like a vitamin drink. It'll be good for you so make sure you drink it all." He then sat down and started eating. After he noticed I was just staring at it he nudged me and told me to eat up.

It took me an hour to eat the little portion he'd placed before me. Throughout the hour I took a good look at Matt. He had a cropped curly hair, dark brown skin that went nicely with his hazel brown eyes with deep pink plump lips probably because of eating. He had broad shoulder and his arms seemed tight in the sleeve maybe because he works out or something. I would have scanned the rest of his body but it was like he could feel me staring and when he'll lift up his head I drop mine to the food. Plus the rest of his body was underneath the table but I did know he was wearing shorts.

After finishing I moved onto the couch and he switched the tv on for me to watch. It seemed alien for me because I hadn't done this in a long time and mainly because I didn’t understand what was going on. Next thing Matt had brought me a cup of hot chocolate. I drunk it slowly whilst I listened to Matt laugh at this character called Jess. I hadn't realized I'd fallen asleep till I felt someone rocking me and ‘shhhing’ me. When I opened my eyes, my head was in the crane of his neck and I was sitting on his lap. I started panicking and backed away from him.

"Hey, hey relax you just started crying in your sleep and calling some guys name." He said in soothing voice but it didn't comfort me because he wasn't the one to comfort me. Plus I wouldn't have done this if he wasn't here!

"Get out of my house now!" I started yelling and shoving him towards the door. How dare he come in from nowhere and change things. After shoving him out I slide down my door and and proceeded to cry some more. He was back to haunt me in my mind and that made me even more sad because I thought I had locked him up in the deepest part of my mind and thrown out the key but apparently that's not the case.

For the next 2 weeks I avoided Matt by changing shift and as I had predicted he didn't come after me just like everyone did. This was until the friday of 2nd week when I met him standing beside my car. I wanted to get into my car because it was raining heavily. As I got to my car I tried shoving him out of the way but he didn't budge. This got frustrated and I started crying because this has been the struggle of my life. Always shoving but nothing seems to change.

"Why won't you leave me alone! Leave like everyone else has! I don't need you, I was fine before you came and shoved your nose in my life! It's because of you I'm like this, why can't you just leave alone!" I yelled through my tears as I crumpled to the ground beside my car. Matt sat beside me despite the fact the ground was wet, pulled me to him and simple whispered,

"Because you need help and I'm willing to give it regardless of whether you believe you need it or not." He kissed my temple and just let cry.