"I have to tell them Nathan." I said seriously, "I have to tell them about you being…bisexual. I have to tell them if I have any hope of getting away to San Francisco this summer."

"Your dad probably already knows, if he's seen my posts on Facebook." Nathan said quietly.

"If I tell them I want your permission…" I said, "I guess I'd rather have you there, I feel like this isn't my story to tell."

"Alright. I'll be coming home sometime at the end of May, we're not going out to California until the middle of June, we can tell them then." Nathan said in that businesslike way of his I was used to by now.

"I'll invite you over for dinner, that way everybody's there."

"Alright," there was a note of finality to Nathan's voice, "see you then."

 

I was used to how my family acted around Nathan, they had known him almost as long as I had, so this was going to be interesting, although I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea.

I was too nervous to really pay attention to what my mother was doing around the house, I didn't even know off the top of my head what we were having for dinner (which I normally did). Nathan showed up a little after 5 PM and I idly listened as he and my dad chatted, my parents asking all the questions I never did. My mother was the worst, she was the one that asked him all these questions what he was up to and whatever and thank God he was at least out of grad school by now or she would still be asking him about the thesis he had been writing.

Nathan shrugged.

"I'm not doing anything much," he replied to my mother's latest question, "just traveling for the summer, visiting friends."

Nathan and I glanced at each other, that would've been a good lead-in to what Nathan and I wanted to tell them.

 

Half an hour later we were all sitting down to dinner steak, potatoes, and asparagus. I was halfway through my potatoes before I looked up at Nathan, we were doing the telepathy thing again where we were more reading each other's faces than actually speaking trying to gauge the other person's reaction before putting our thoughts into words.

"Now?" I mouthed at him and he nodded. From where we were sitting next to each other I briefly squeezed his knee.

"Mom, dad, Nathan and I have something to tell you… Something that is going to affect both of us this summer."

"I don't know if you seen any of my Facebook posts, over the last year or so, which I recently over the past year have made public to a certain number of people."

"Well Nathan, I don't have a Facebook so, I wouldn't know." My mother shrugged, laughing shortly.

"I've had a lot of very personal posts, about something that's happened to me over the past few years. Well I, Mr. and Mrs. Peters, I'm attracted to both guys and girls… I'm bisexual. So I'm speaking at a conference in San Francisco later this summer concerning LGBT issues, Vivian said she wanted to come."

My parents looked from me to Nathan and back again. The room had become deathly silent, but finally my mother spoke, breaking the silence.

"Well that explains why you never had a girlfriend." She said quietly.

Nathan chuckled, but it was the tight laughter of someone who was slightly uncomfortable.

For a long time my dad didn't speak, his face was unreadable and he was frowning slightly, which could mean anything from confusion to anger.

"Vivian wants to go to this conference… Concerning homosexuality and other issues? I'm not sure how I feel about that." My dad's voice was quiet and  control, but how he was taking the news I still had no idea.

"It's more than issues of homosexuality," Nathan said in that same even voice, "it's a support system for people of different orientations, but it's also for people, family and friends of LGBT people. The political issues are only part of it, a very small part, as a matter of fact." Nathan took a deep breath and continued, "Mr. Peters, I know a lot of Christians disagree about the position of a lot of LGBT issues, I do too, as a matter of fact… But there's more to it than that, social issues, and these people need support and love."

Finally Nathan sat back down, he didn't look at me but I knew he had gotten off his soapbox for now.

"Okay… I just need to think about this... maybe pray a little… Excuse me." Without speaking, my father rose and left the table, the only sound left behind was the clatter of the utensils and dishes as he stood, and the back door closing firmly behind him.

 

I didn't see my parents again until the following Saturday, and it was only then, once again around the dinner table we had the chance to talk.

It was after the normal dinnertime banter Nathan's revelation was brought up again, in that same subdued voice everyone tended to adopt when talking about the subject.

"Vivian, I want to apologize about walking out the other night," my father said quietly, "it was a bit of a shock… I've known Nathan almost as long as you have." As he spoke my mother was nodding with that same solemn expression.

"You can't make me stop being friends with him, yes it was a shock for me, a big one, but I realized after a while I still loved him and that was all that mattered."

My father nodded before he rubbed his temples.

"I know, and I agree, but… This is just a lot to process right now… I have my views on homosexual behavior… So this is a little hard to swallow, but if God means for him to be in your life I will have to accept that."

I nodded slowly and my mother looked faintly pleased, but I knew she was just as shocked as everybody else.

"He's not gay…" I said quietly, "and even if he was, he told me straight up he has no intention of pursuing a same-sex relationship, even if he is attracted to guys that's just not in the cards for him… He would be celibate for the rest of his life."

I let this sink in before spoke again.

"So… Can I go to San Francisco?" I asked quietly, "this is really important to me, I want to support him and this is a big deal for him most people advocating at this convention aren't coming from the Christian perspective."

My mother sighed.

"I suppose so. We can't stop you your an adult now."

I came around the table and hug them both.

"Thank you, you don't know how much this means to me! Really!"

Even through my happiness I knew what I had said was true, the fact that I'd be there in San Francisco for Nathan's speech did mean a lot although at the moment I couldn't tell my parents exactly why.

 

2: Chapter 1

That Monday was just another ordinary, long day for me. I worked from home but like your average 9-to-5 job from 8 AM to 11 AM and from 1 PM to 4 PM I was answering emails, making phone calls and working on my writing.

I had submitted my first manuscript, a story I called Damage Control over a year before, to a romance publisher in New York. The first four publishers had turned me down saying there wasn't much "romance" in it. But then I had found Natalie and my editor Susan who had met me where I was and taken the story as it was accepting that not all love stories had happy endings.

So here I was almost a year later still fielding phone calls and managing my expanding career while trying to move into a new apartment. I was officially moving to Nashville and I was thankful to get out of the little town I had lived in for so long.

Today was like any other Monday, I had a stack of calls and emails I had to return that had been overflow from Friday and the rest of the weekend or my contacts that were just getting back into the office to begin another week. I wasn't "famous" yet but I was half tempted to find an agent this was ridiculous… Particularly while I was trying to move into my new place.

Two disjointed ring tones erupted from the living room, one from my landline and the other from my cell phone. I grabbed my cell phone while making a dive for the landline which was sitting on my desk which was in a state of disarray, there were boxes everywhere and I had yet to organize my filing cabinet which was still sitting in a corner.

"Hello?" I spoke in the my cell phone.

"Vivian, this is Susan. I was wondering if we could reschedule that date to go over the next draft for that new novel? I'm going to Oregon next week."

I inwardly groaned, this was the last thing I needed. Meanwhile, my landline continued to ring.

"Yeah, yeah," I glanced around hoping to find my calendar, which at the moment I couldn't remember if I had unpacked or not.

Failing to locate the calendar I grabbed for the nearest piece of paper continuing to talk as I took notes.

"I'm going out of town the fourth week in June."

My editor sighed.

"Yes," she said wearily, "you mentioned that. Can you do it on Friday?"

I briefly checked my phone to see if I had any appearances, I was still promoting Damage Control which had been released at the end of April.

"I got an interview on Kimmel on Thursday, but yeah, I'll be there."

"Wonderful!" Susan said crisply, "I'll see you then." She hung up without preamble.

I was just finalizing the date in my calendar on my phone when the phone on my desk rang again, most likely the person that had been trying to get a hold of me and had gotten my answering machine instead.

This time I made a grab for the phone, but barely as it was sandwiched between my printer and the currently unused filing cabinet.

"Hello? This is Vivian?" I answered trying to inject some professionalism into my slightly breathless voice.

"Ms. Peters." The stark brusque tone of my publisher rang sharply in my ear, "it's Natalie, I've a few things to discuss."

I mentally rolled my eyes, Natalie Spencer was a great publisher, but she was all business and her ironclad demands left little room for error.

"I was just reading over your latest draft for Aloha I don't like that latest plot twist you added. It makes Clayton Stewart seem like a…" She inserted a four letter word that made me cringe before continuing, "… Shana Malone seem like a pushover, these characters seem very flat."

"Maybe she doesn't know how to deal with her situation!" I snapped, "she expected a romantic getaway only to find out her lover is homosexual. How would you expect her to react? She's doing the best she can!"

"You're a great writer Vivian," Natalie's voice softened slightly, "but you're becoming too predictable, your books won't sell if people can figure out the ending by the time they're two chapters in. Damage Control           well that was new and fresh, but you can't keep telling the same story a million different ways."

I sighed, knowing she was right.

"What you want?" I asked, sounding as tired is Susan had sounded earlier.

"A new draft, a new story, something or rework what you have, I like the concept of the story being set in Hawaii just may be not the direction you're taking it."

"How long I got?" I asked, knowing there would be a deadline.

"I'll give you till the end of the summer." Natalie said starkly, "say, August 30, no later."

I did some rapid calculating, that gave me a little less than three months, barely enough time and I would have to scramble of I was going to make it for my mother's fifty-sixth birthday.

We hung up shortly and after replacing the phone on the desk with some minor difficulty I kicked the filing cabinet in frustration. There went my peaceful summer, I would spend the entire time writing which would put a damper on my time with Nathan. Everything after that happened so quickly I barely had time to react. The box, which my dad had sat on the top of the filing cabinet wobbled and as if in slow motion it fell.

 

Less than an hour later I was sitting in the ER with my friend Ruby. She ran a small graphic design business and I had worked in her office a few summers back, that was before the epiphany of writing had struck.

I had walked (or maybe hobbled is a more appropriate word) into the ER with a bag of frozen peas on my ankle looking like someone had just beat me up. My toes throbbed and the knuckles of the hand where I had punched my filing cabinet were rapidly turning black and blue.

Ruby was sympathetic about the situation with my publisher which I related to her both in the car and as we sat there, although I was still fuming by the time a nurse informed me they were ready for me.

 

I stared aghast at the alien like x-rays that were propped up on the doctor's light board where there was a very visible break in my right ankle. Now what was I supposed to do?

"Well, Ms. Peters," the ER doctor said almost pleasantly, "looks like you won't be going anywhere for a while."

While I took the news as any person my age would (as grown up as possible) a little voice in the back of my mind was cussing a blue streak. Why did this have to happen now? Why?

"I have a life, I have a job," I spluttered, "I'm going on vacation with my friend next week!" I exclaimed, "a friend mind you I haven't seen since March!"

"I understand." The doctor said sympathetically, but it was in that tone that said he didn't, not really.

I left the ER in a walking cast and on crutches with strict instructions only to use the crutches if I absolutely needed to get around, but I was a writer so that shouldn't be a problem. It was everything else that was the problem.

"Do you need anything?" Ruby asked as soon as we returned to my apartment.

"A fairy godmother and a magical lamp wouldn't be amiss." I mumbled, staring morosely down at my clunky gray boot where my formally functional right leg had been.

Ruby chuckled, but it didn't make me feel any better.

"Maybe I should just move in until your back on your feet, there's no way you can get around to all those appearances on your own."

I nodded, knowing she was right, I had at least that much common sense.

"Well don't worry about next week I don't have anything booked I'm going to San Francisco."

Ruby raised her eyebrows.

"How?" My friend asked.

My head fell back on the headrest of the passenger seat.

"I have no idea."

3: Chapter 2

I was holding my breath as I dialed Nathan's number, my mind was racing trying to figure out where he would be at this hour and glancing at the clock I saw was a little after 4 PM he should be done by now, I hoped. The last thing I liked doing was interrupting him when he was busy.

He picked up on the third ring.

"Hello." He answered.

"Hey," I said, "it's me, Vivian."

His voice softened in his tone was relaxed, and even over the phone I felt the "oh, it's her, I can relax now" demeanor in his voice.

"Hey." He said easily.

That "hey" in Nathan's case meant many things. It meant, "what's up", "how are you?", "What's going on?" and "what do you want?" Although he said none of those things.

I let out a gusty sigh.

"Nathan, I got a problem."

Nathan was immediately concerned, but that was one of the things I loved about him as soon as he detected any uncertainty in my voice he automatically knew something was wrong.

"What? What's wrong?" I could almost see the furrow in his brow and that look that made his blue eyes squint when he was worried.

"Oh nothing," I said offhandedly, "just my filing cabinet attacked me and a big heavy box fell on my foot. As a result I broke my ankle… I'll be on crutches for the next three months."

Nathan sounded sympathetic.

"That's too bad. You want me to cancel the trip?"

"No, of course not!" I exclaimed, "I want to go, and I can, I just need a little help that's all."

"Then what would you suggest?" He asked.

"I mean, I just need a girl to help me in the shower, get dressed and stuff like that. Don't I already have a roommate for this trip? Didn't you and your roommates decide everyone was splitting up guys and girls?"

"Yeah." Nathan's reply was short.

"Who am I paired up with?" I asked.

"I have you in a room with Leslie," Nathan answered, "I figured since you already met her that would be a good fit."

"Is she cool flying out with me, my trip out to San Francisco just got a whole lot more complicated."

"I don't know," Nathan answered, "I can call her or message on Facebook and ask." Nathan's voice had taken on a businesslike quality, "I'll talk to her and let you know, she said she was coming down from Chicago on Wednesday I can ask her to pick you up and you can fly out from Nashville… It's a bit out of the way but…"

"Thanks," I said, "I appreciate it."

Nathan's voice warmed and I could tell he was smiling.

"No problem."

 

I had a long discussion with both my parents via speakerphone later that night. Frankly, they   both thought I was nuts for attempting to go halfway across the country with a broken ankle.

"You sure you'll be all right?" My mother asked, "are you sure you want to go?" Who's going to help you in the bathroom… Or the shower?"

"I'll manage." I said evasively, I didn't mention Leslie, that was more information then I felt they needed to know, but then again, it would've been easier to say I was rooming with one of Nathan's friends. I didn't bother to mention she was a lesbian, but that didn't matter anyway.

"Okay," my mother said quietly, although she sounded far from convinced, "if you're sure."

"Positive." I said definitely wanting to put an end to the discussion. I was quiet for a few minutes before speaking again.

"Has dad calmed down about Nathan?" I asked in an undertone, "I don't want there to be any problems between us regarding that, but I'm not going to give up my friendship with him just because."

"It's just going to take some getting used to." My mother said, "give him time."

"It's not going to change how I feel, yes it's uncomfortable sometimes but I can't change that about him no matter how much I want to. I'm proud of him for what he does and the stand he's taking for Christians in this position… I'll support him through that."

"Well that's a good Christian thing to do." My mother said and I could tell she approved so for the time being my parents reaction to Nathan's sexuality was a load off my mind.

"Call us soon as you settled and let us know how you're doing." My mother said in that tone that all mothers used when they were somewhere in between letting their children go while still trying to be a presence in their lives, which was a blessing or a curse depending on how you looked at it.

"Okay…" I murmured, "I got finish packing my clothes, I'm going to be gone for a week."

"Okay dear, love you," my mother said affectionately, "good night."

Even at twenty-six she still made me feel like a little girl and I was smiling as I hung up the phone.

 

Leslie had flown up from New Orleans, she was visiting a friend in Chicago prior to leaving for San Francisco and it was still another few hours between Chicago and Nashville (6 to 10 hours by car).

Ruby had helped me pack before we left on Thursday. The flight from Nashville to San Francisco departed at 11:30 AM and Leslie was due to arrive at my apartment shortly before 9 AM since we had to be at the airport shortly before 9:30 AM.

I had just finished packing my toiletries when Leslie arrived. She was tall, blond and curvy. Today she was wearing jeans and a white blouse her blonde hair pulled back in a simple ponytail. Introductions were made and as soon as Leslie saw me she shook her head.

"Nathan told me you were laid up bad, but that must really suck."

Chuckling, I nodded in agreement.

"You don't mind coming all the way out here, do you?" I asked.

Leslie smiled.

"Nah, anything for a friend...it doesn't make much difference."

Ten minutes later we had loaded my bags into the back of Leslie's rental car and after some difficulty I managed to slide into the front seat.

"Don't have too much fun." Ruby said with a grin and I only laughed my intentions of going to this convention were much more than to have fun.

 

Leslie and I didn't speak much until we were in our seats on the plane. We were jammed into the economy seating, which wasn't probably the best seating given my current condition, but I opted for the seat on the aisle as opposed to the one by the window so I didn't get too squished. I refrained from asking Leslie half a dozen questions about Nathan and figured she hadn't seen him so she probably wouldn't know anyway.  So for the next few hours as the plane took off I kept my mouth shut.

 

We arrived in California later that afternoon. Nathan and a few other friends had booked half a dozen rooms at a local hotel. Everyone was buddied up most of the people knowing who their "roommate" was prior to arrival.

When we arrived Tyler and another guy were chilling in the lobby. Tyler looked up when he saw Leslie and smiled.

"Hey Les," he said casually and they embraced briefly.

"Nathan here yet?" Leslie inquired, "he's the one running this entire circus."

Tyler shrugged.

"If he is I haven't seen him," he turned to the other guy that was next to him. "Hey Caleb, you seen Nate?"

The other guy with shaggy brown hair wearing a Baltimore Orioles jersey and baggy shorts shook his head. "He wasn't here when I got in."

"It's possible he took the route through Dallas again," Leslie surmised, and Tyler chuckled nodding in agreement.

I had dumped my stuff in the room I would be sharing with Leslie for the next week, grabbed something to eat, and parked myself in the lobby until Nathan arrived. Leslie and Tyler had come with me although Leslie was giving me surreptitious looks as if she knew exactly why I was waiting in the first place. I had dozed off watching the front door and was jolted awake by a tap on my shoulder. I looked around frantically for a few minutes before my eyes found Nathan standing slightly behind the chair his suitcase still in hand, he was grinning.

"What took you so long?" I demanded.

"My connecting flight was delayed, sorry." He looked apologetic. I would have flung myself into his arms had I been able to, but given the state of my ankle that wasn't the case. Hugs and handshakes were passed around and then Nathan leaned down and hugged me and at the moment I didn't really want to let him go, my brain was still spinning from everything that had and had yet to happen.

Finally Nathan let out a small chuckle.

"You can let go now, V, you will see me later." I finally pulled back and smiled losing myself for a moment in the blue of his eyes knowing Leslie would have lots of questions once we were alone.

 

4: Chapter 3

With things not getting going until Saturday I had a few days to unwind before having to do a lot of running around (which may or may not have been a good idea given the state of my ankle). Thursday and Friday Leslie, Tyler and I spent the days sightseeing in downtown San Francisco. In some ways it reminded me of Chicago which I had been numerous times, but it was much bigger and there were many more people.

That first night in I did what my mother expected me to do and called home, keeping in mind the two-hour time difference making sure I caught them before they went bed. I assured them I was fine, and no nothing had happened yet, not that I was going to give them any details anyway.

 

Saturday morning was when things really got going. Nathan was due to give his speech at around 2 PM at the main stage and then he and a few of his friends were manning a booth that had some people speaking out for the LGBT community from a Christian viewpoint explaining the Christian side of things and "apologizing" for any negativity this otherwise loving community of people had dumped on these fellow Christians for something they couldn't control. That was the part that made me the most sad.

I didn't see Nathan much that morning, since everyone was taking breakfast in shifts and were in different parts of the hotel at all times. I went by his closed door when I was walking back to my room and stopped when Tyler was just coming out of the room.

I pointed in the direction of the door.

"He in there?" I asked.

Tyler nodded.

"He was getting dressed last I checked," Tyler replied, Nathan's roommate glanced at his watch, "we got to be down there in forty minutes he says."

I nodded before something else occurred to me.

"He decent?" I asked, which caused Tyler to smirk and raise his eyebrows.

I saw his smirk and glared at him.

"Hey! Don't even go there!"

"He was just putting on his shirt when I left." Tyler answered before disappearing down the hallway.

 

Smiling to myself I knocked gently on the door and after identifying myself the door opened and there was Nathan his shirt still unbuttoned, his collar askew.

"Vivian what are you doing here?"

I shrugged.

"I just wanted to wish you luck I guess, I know this means a lot to you and I hope you do well today."

Nathan nodded.

"Thanks." For a few minutes we just stood there smiling at each other.

"That's the shirt I bought you for your birthday, isn't it?" I asked looking him up and down my eyes falling on the blue and purple striped dress shirt.

"Yeah, it is, I like it so…" Nathan shrugged as he continued to button the shirt. Under the shirt was a simple white T-shirt on which I could just see the words "I'm sorry".

"Well I'll see you out there." I murmured and we nodded at each other before I turned and carefully made my way back to my own room.

 

The day was sunny and warm, but like this area of the country in the summer it was pushing high temperatures and people were mostly dressed in T-shirts, shorts, and tank tops with hats and sunglasses proclaiming the summer weather.

I carefully followed Leslie and the others through the crowd Leslie walking close making sure I didn't fall down because I wasn't the most stable person right now. After grabbing lunch and walking around for a few hours it was time for Nathan's speech.

From my vantage point I could see him talking to a few older guys, they were talking in low voices most of them wearing slacks or shorts and the same T-shirt Nathan was wearing under his dress shirt.

Finally after the acoustics gave an abnormally loud squeak Nathan's voice could be heard, tentative at first but he got stronger as he continued talking.

"Good afternoon, my name is Nathan Clarence and I'd like to say a few words. I stand before you not only as a member of the LGBT community but as a Christian. As many of you can imagine that is not an easy thing to be when there has been so much negativity towards LGBT\SSA people from the Christian community…"

Nathan then talked about his own personal experiences. They were stories I had heard before over the past six months or so issues he had talked about in various blog and Facebook posts. How he had felt guilty, isolated and confused for many years, these things I already knew I had known them since the day he told me almost 6 months ago, but so much had changed in how I looked at these issues now… Even though some of it still made me vaguely uncomfortable.

"… I've had it easier than most," Nathan continued, "I know that, while many LGBT Christians are ostracized or disowned by their friends and families I was mostly accepted, for which I am grateful."

I imagined Nathan was finding my eyes in the crowd even though I was far away in the back of the crowd and in that moment I was glad I had been one of those accepting people when it would've been so much easier to turn him away. Finally Nathan finished his short speech and stepped down off the podium and over to the booth where a few more people in white T-shirts were standing talking amongst themselves, others talking to the few people that had gathered around the booth.

I watched him for a few minutes as he took off his dress shirt and laid it over the back of a chair so he was now in jeans and a T-shirt. I watched him for a few minutes as he talked with a few of the guys in the booth, Caleb was the only other face I recognized, but there were others besides Nathan as they talked to the people who stopped by the booth. At one point there was a pair of women who seem to be very angry, although from where I was standing I couldn't make out what they said. The logical part of me knew Nathan could handle things on his own, but the emotional part of me wanted to take him away from everything he was experiencing even if it was something I knew I couldn't change about him.

 

After a while Leslie steered me away and we continued walking around the festival and I took in the bright colors around me, wishing it was Nathan who was showing me around and not one of his friends I didn't know as well.

 

I didn't see Nathan again until we returned to the hotel later that evening. We had gone out to eat but I didn't feel comfortable discussing the day in such a public place. I wanted to tell Nathan how proud I was of him, but even that was hard to articulate.

I didn't find the words I wanted to say until much later, when people were returning to their rooms. Leslie was still walking with me and I knew she wanted to get to bed, but there was something else I wanted to do first.

I knocked on Nathan's hotel room door which opened showing Nathan in shorts and one of his math T-shirts, I smiled softly.

"Hey, I come in?" I asked.

Nathan was quiet for a few minutes before he spoke.

"Yeah, for a few minutes. Tyler's in the shower," Nathan's face lit in a wry smile, "and I assume you don't want to be here when he gets out of the bathroom."

I smiled in response and chuckled lightly.

"No I guess I don't."

He looked at me curiously.

"What's up?"

I shrugged and made a show of settling my crutches against the nearby nightstand.

"I just wanted to tell you I'm proud of what you did today, I just didn't feel comfortable saying it with everybody there."

Nathan smiled and I couldn't tell whether he was embarrassed or not.

"It's nothing I haven't said before, you've read my posts." He smiled his eyes twinkling slightly.

"I know," I said quietly, "it's just, I don't think I could deal with it the way you do, I would be too worried I was constantly on display… I couldn't be that forward… Not about something so personal."

We talked for a few more minutes and then we hugged and I left. It was one of those moments I felt very close to him, but it was hard to draw the line between "just friends" and some type of romantic relationship, particularly when I knew there wasn't one.

 

I returned to the room deep in thought and went to bed without comment to Leslie and had brushed my teeth and shuffled around in the bathroom and awkwardly gotten dressed before climbing into bed and taking off my walking cast, it was better to put a couple of pairs of socks on my foot then wearing the clunky piece of plastic all night long.

I had only been laying in bed for about twenty minutes when Leslie finally spoke, her voice soft and quiet in the darkness.

"What's going on with you and Nathan?" She asked quietly.

I rolled over to face her, barely making out her face in the darkness.

"Nothing," I murmured, "we're just close."

"It didn't look like nothing from what I saw the other day. I've seen the way you look at him, like he hangs the moon or something. You're in love with him," she stated quietly, "it's written all over your face."

For a long time I didn't say anything.

"It's complicated." I said finally.

Leslie snorted, but I wasn't sure if she was making fun of me or not. "Yeah, no kidding!"

"I don't know…" I mumbled into my pillow, "I know what is and I know what isn't, but I can't help the way I feel, it just happened I didn't ask for this."

Leslie didn't answer for what seemed like a long time but finally she spoke.

"Just be careful, it's not fair if people are getting the wrong idea about you guys and you're making your friendship something it's not."

 

5: Chapter 4

With the stress of Nathan's speech out of the way everyone was free to enjoy the festivities. We spent the next few days taking in various talks and watching the parades. The parades were the thing I was most excited to see I only seen them in movies and on TV and they were about as flamboyant as I imagined.

Nathan, his friends and I were a close group. Leslie and I hadn't spoken much since her warning the night before and even though I knew she had a point, which I myself had considered it didn't change how I felt.

"Come on Vivian," Tyler said laughing, "hurry up we don't want you getting squished."

"Yeah, yeah, easy for you to say," I muttered, "you're not the one on crutches."

"Come on, lay off it man." Nathan murmured in an undertone motioning Tyler to go ahead of him then he fell back and fell into step beside Leslie and me.

"You doing okay?" He asked his familiar tone of concern the first thing I picked up on.

"As well as I can." I grunted, adjusting by crutches as I went, Leslie was still standing at my elbow making sure I didn't lose my balance.

 

We made our way over to the barricades where the next parade was about to take place. There the people were packed easily 500, 800 or was it a few thousand I didn't know. We squeezed in into the first convenient spot at the end of the barricades Nathan, Leslie and I bringing up the rear, they  both standing by me like a couple of bodyguards.

"Look!" Tyler exclaimed, pointing like a little kid, "it's starting there!"

Music began as brightly colored cars and floats along with various groups of people holding brightly colored signs and what I recognized as the LGBT rainbow which was emblazoned on flags and banners. I was so caught up in the parade I didn't notice the people pushing in on either side of us and I didn't look up until some guy bumped into Nathan.

"Sorry." They both said at the same time and the guy smiled and for a brief minute I felt a flash of jealousy and right away I knew this guy was interested.

"Hey, sorry," the guy attempted to make small talk in that way people do when they're interested and they want to keep the conversation going without coming across a stupid. "Enjoying everything so far?"

Nathan didn't smile but he was polite.

"Yeah, it's cool."

"I'm Brian by the way." The guy said. He had short brown hair and engaging light brown eyes, truth be told he was cute and seemed to be the type of guy I would date had he been straight.

"Nathan…" Nathan replied, "Nate."

"Nice to meet you Nate." Brian said, he continued smiling in a way that I was beginning to find annoying, "maybe I'll catch you later?" He asked hopefully.

"Yeah maybe." Nathan murmured, but I could tell he wasn't really interested.

After a few minutes Brian disappeared in the crowd and Leslie and I were both giving Nathan speculative looks.

"What?" Nathan said with a chuckle.

"Tell me if I'm not mistaken, but I believe that guy was hitting on you." Leslie said with a grin.

Nathan shrugged, as if this was of no importance.

"It was kind of awkward to watch actually." I murmured my honesty coming through rather than amusement.

"Don't want to give the dude the wrong idea." Tyler said with a laugh.

"That be cool…" Nathan murmured quietly, "but being a Christian comes first," he raised his eyebrows briefly, "you all know that."

We all nodded in agreement.

By now the raucous from the parade had died down somewhat and the crowd had thinned a bit. I had sandwiched myself again between Nathan and Leslie, this time closer to Nathan and securing my one crutch under my arm I reached for his hand. Our fingers brushed lightly touching briefly. Looking down at me Nathan's expression softened and he leaned closer so he could be heard over the noise.

"That made you uncomfortable, didn't it?" He asked quietly.

Licking my lips, I nodded.

"Yeah, me too." He chuckled nervously.

 

"It just seems… Weird." I murmured, "I mean I know you would never be in a relationship with a guy but…"

We fell into silence and I noticed Leslie had fallen back to talk to Tyler giving us a little bit more privacy (as much as could be given in such a public place).

"I don't know what to think, I respect the community that you are in." I said quietly, "but at the same time I feel like I have to share you… I miss the days when I had you to myself."

Nathan chuckled softly.

"People grow up." He said simply, "life changes."

I nodded silently in agreement. I didn't know what he was trying to say, if anything I thought he was trying to ward me off again tell me flat out he wasn't interested which I knew he wasn't; either way whether it was male or female a relationship wasn't even on his radar right now. I studied his profile surreptitiously, I wanted more but even I didn't know what that was, I loved him so much and yet didn't even know how to articulate it. I reached for his hand again. My fingers closed around his wrist and I stuck as close as I could I was having one of those insecure moments when I felt I wanted to disappear inside him and find that place we had as kids, when we lived in a world of our own.

 

We were walking back along the street when it happened, on the way back to our cars, back to the hotel. At first the sound sounded fake, like something in a movie or the stupid guys who would mess around for a joke…unfortunately, this wasn't a joke.

I heard the gunshots and then I heard the people screaming. I saw a couple people fall down and wondered vaguely as if I was imagining it if anyone was dead. I heard another round of gunfire wondering if I wouldn't remember my next memory if I would be dead within minutes. I felt Nathan goes slack beside me, he wasn't down but he had made some sort of noise of pain and my eyes widened when I saw the blood that was spurting from his shoulder. A second later I felt something white-hot sear my cheek and let out a voluntary gasp of pain and something wet and sticky splattered my skin.

I heard Leslie mutter a mild curse and a second later I glanced over to see Tyler and Leslie supporting Nathan between them, Tyler with his free hand was already speaking hurriedly into a cell phone.

"Yes, there's been gunfire, no I don't know how many wounded, I don't know what happened all I know is people are hurt please get police and medical personnel here ASAP! Yes the parade downtown!" He sounded uncharacteristically panicked as he shifted Nathan's limp body on his shoulders.

People were clustered and cloth was being torn. Tyler was already tearing strips of fabric and pressing them to Nathan shoulder and someone had given me a piece of a flag or cloth banner and was instructing me to hold it to my cheek and keep it there until help arrived.

All that happened then was pandemonium. There were people everywhere and it was even more chaotic when the medical personnel arrived, fire trucks and ambulances that were assessing the injuries and carefully maneuvering the more severely injured onto stretchers.

I watched the entire scene in a daze, it was one of those moments you said "this can't be happening to me" when clearly it was. It was like something I had seen out of the movie something that happened to some unknown character but not to you. Something you hoped never happened to you.

Someone shoved another cloth into my hands and told me to keep the pressure on while they assessed Nathan's injuries. At the moment no one knew how bad they were he seemed like he was going into shock it was like his body was there but his mind was far away as possible. His T-shirt was ripped in several places where the bullet had gotten him in the shoulder and where Tyler had torn a strip off the hem to apply pressure to the wound. By then he and Leslie had done the best they could as far as first aid checking airways, breathing, circulation and the color of Nathan's skin, and asking him if he could move his hands and feet. Leslie had located the exit wound of the bullet which was a gaping hole in my friend's shoulder.

I stood numbly by as the paramedics carefully moved Nathan onto a stretcher, he was still conscious but barely mostly from the loss of blood I thought. Someone had put a blanket over him and I was still standing there with part of a flag over my shoulders holding a bloody cloth to my cheek. Someone put an arm around my shoulders and ushered me towards the ambulance I looked around for Tyler and Leslie but didn't see them right away. Finally I saw Leslie, she was still standing by the stretcher, she was covered in blood and silent tears were making their way slowly down her cheeks. Even from a distance I could see her lips moving and knew she was praying.

So Leslie, Nathan and I were ushered into a waiting ambulance wall from the other side of the stretcher the paramedics continued to work on Nathan trying to defuse his shock.

"Where's Tyler?" I asked Leslie quietly.

"The hospital, he's going to meet us there." She murmured.

I looked down at Nathan and his ashen face and for the first time I allowed myself to touch him and gently stroked his forehead.

"Hang in there," I whispered, "because I don't know what I'd do without you."

With the stress of Nathan's speech out of the way everyone was free to enjoy the festivities. We spent the next few days taking in various talks and watching the parades. The parades were the thing I was most excited to see I only seen them in movies and on TV and they were about as flamboyant as I imagined.

Nathan, his friends and I were a close group. Leslie and I hadn't spoken much since her warning the night before and even though I knew she had a point, which I myself had considered it didn't change how I felt.

"Come on Vivian," Tyler said laughing, "hurry up we don't want you getting squished."

"Yeah, yeah, easy for you to say," I muttered, "you're not the one on crutches."

"Come on, lay off it man." Nathan murmured in an undertone motioning Tyler to go ahead of him then he fell back and fell into step beside Leslie and me.

"You doing okay?" He asked his familiar tone of concern the first thing I picked up on.

"As well as I can." I grunted, adjusting by crutches as I went, Leslie was still standing at my elbow making sure I didn't lose my balance.

 

We made our way over to the barricades where the next parade was about to take place. There the people were packed easily 500, 800 or was it a few thousand I didn't know. We squeezed in into the first convenient spot at the end of the barricades Nathan, Leslie and I bringing up the rear, they  both standing by me like a couple of bodyguards.

"Look!" Tyler exclaimed, pointing like a little kid, "it's starting there!"

Music began as brightly colored cars and floats along with various groups of people holding brightly colored signs and what I recognized as the LGBT rainbow which was emblazoned on flags and banners. I was so caught up in the parade I didn't notice the people pushing in on either side of us and I didn't look up until some guy bumped into Nathan.

"Sorry." They both said at the same time and the guy smiled and for a brief minute I felt a flash of jealousy and right away I knew this guy was interested.

"Hey, sorry," the guy attempted to make small talk in that way people do when they're interested and they want to keep the conversation going without coming across a stupid. "Enjoying everything so far?"

Nathan didn't smile but he was polite.

"Yeah, it's cool."

"I'm Brian by the way." The guy said. He had short brown hair and engaging light brown eyes, truth be told he was cute and seemed to be the type of guy I would date had he been straight.

"Nathan…" Nathan replied, "Nate."

"Nice to meet you Nate." Brian said, he continued smiling in a way that I was beginning to find annoying, "maybe I'll catch you later?" He asked hopefully.

"Yeah maybe." Nathan murmured, but I could tell he wasn't really interested.

After a few minutes Brian disappeared in the crowd and Leslie and I were both giving Nathan speculative looks.

"What?" Nathan said with a chuckle.

"Tell me if I'm not mistaken, but I believe that guy was hitting on you." Leslie said with a grin.

Nathan shrugged, as if this was of no importance.

"It was kind of awkward to watch actually." I murmured my honesty coming through rather than amusement.

"Don't want to give the dude the wrong idea." Tyler said with a laugh.

"That be cool…" Nathan murmured quietly, "but being a Christian comes first," he raised his eyebrows briefly, "you all know that."

We all nodded in agreement.

By now the raucous from the parade had died down somewhat and the crowd had thinned a bit. I had sandwiched myself again between Nathan and Leslie, this time closer to Nathan and securing my one crutch under my arm I reached for his hand. Our fingers brushed lightly touching briefly. Looking down at me Nathan's expression softened and he leaned closer so he could be heard over the noise.

"That made you uncomfortable, didn't it?" He asked quietly.

Licking my lips, I nodded.

"Yeah, me too." He chuckled nervously.

 

"It just seems… Weird." I murmured, "I mean I know you would never be in a relationship with a guy but…"

We fell into silence and I noticed Leslie had fallen back to talk to Tyler giving us a little bit more privacy (as much as could be given in such a public place).

"I don't know what to think, I respect the community that you are in." I said quietly, "but at the same time I feel like I have to share you… I miss the days when I had you to myself."

Nathan chuckled softly.

"People grow up." He said simply, "life changes."

I nodded silently in agreement. I didn't know what he was trying to say, if anything I thought he was trying to ward me off again tell me flat out he wasn't interested which I knew he wasn't; either way whether it was male or female a relationship wasn't even on his radar right now. I studied his profile surreptitiously, I wanted more but even I didn't know what that was, I loved him so much and yet didn't even know how to articulate it. I reached for his hand again. My fingers closed around his wrist and I stuck as close as I could I was having one of those insecure moments when I felt I wanted to disappear inside him and find that place we had as kids, when we lived in a world of our own.

 

We were walking back along the street when it happened, on the way back to our cars, back to the hotel. At first the sound sounded fake, like something in a movie or the stupid guys who would mess around for a joke…unfortunately, this wasn't a joke.

I heard the gunshots and then I heard the people screaming. I saw a couple people fall down and wondered vaguely as if I was imagining it if anyone was dead. I heard another round of gunfire wondering if I wouldn't remember my next memory if I would be dead within minutes. I felt Nathan goes slack beside me, he wasn't down but he had made some sort of noise of pain and my eyes widened when I saw the blood that was spurting from his shoulder. A second later I felt something white-hot sear my cheek and let out a voluntary gasp of pain and something wet and sticky splattered my skin.

I heard Leslie mutter a mild curse and a second later I glanced over to see Tyler and Leslie supporting Nathan between them, Tyler with his free hand was already speaking hurriedly into a cell phone.

"Yes, there's been gunfire, no I don't know how many wounded, I don't know what happened all I know is people are hurt please get police and medical personnel here ASAP! Yes the parade downtown!" He sounded uncharacteristically panicked as he shifted Nathan's limp body on his shoulders.

People were clustered and cloth was being torn. Tyler was already tearing strips of fabric and pressing them to Nathan shoulder and someone had given me a piece of a flag or cloth banner and was instructing me to hold it to my cheek and keep it there until help arrived.

All that happened then was pandemonium. There were people everywhere and it was even more chaotic when the medical personnel arrived, fire trucks and ambulances that were assessing the injuries and carefully maneuvering the more severely injured onto stretchers.

I watched the entire scene in a daze, it was one of those moments you said "this can't be happening to me" when clearly it was. It was like something I had seen out of the movie something that happened to some unknown character but not to you. Something you hoped never happened to you.

Someone shoved another cloth into my hands and told me to keep the pressure on while they assessed Nathan's injuries. At the moment no one knew how bad they were he seemed like he was going into shock it was like his body was there but his mind was far away as possible. His T-shirt was ripped in several places where the bullet had gotten him in the shoulder and where Tyler had torn a strip off the hem to apply pressure to the wound. By then he and Leslie had done the best they could as far as first aid checking airways, breathing, circulation and the color of Nathan's skin, and asking him if he could move his hands and feet. Leslie had located the exit wound of the bullet which was a gaping hole in my friend's shoulder.

I stood numbly by as the paramedics carefully moved Nathan onto a stretcher, he was still conscious but barely mostly from the loss of blood I thought. Someone had put a blanket over him and I was still standing there with part of a flag over my shoulders holding a bloody cloth to my cheek. Someone put an arm around my shoulders and ushered me towards the ambulance I looked around for Tyler and Leslie but didn't see them right away. Finally I saw Leslie, she was still standing by the stretcher, she was covered in blood and silent tears were making their way slowly down her cheeks. Even from a distance I could see her lips moving and knew she was praying.

So Leslie, Nathan and I were ushered into a waiting ambulance wall from the other side of the stretcher the paramedics continued to work on Nathan trying to defuse his shock.

"Where's Tyler?" I asked Leslie quietly.

"The hospital, he's going to meet us there." She murmured.

I looked down at Nathan and his ashen face and for the first time I allowed myself to touch him and gently stroked his forehead.

"Hang in there," I whispered, "because I don't know what I'd do without you."

 

6: Chapter 5

The ER was chaotic, as ERs often are. Nathan was rushed off on a gurney while I was ushered into an exam cubicle in triage and Leslie and Tyler were shooed to the waiting room to await results. I barely had time to process what had happened to the others, all of Nathan's other friends that had been at the event and who were staying at the hotel with us.

I was still anxious as I awaited the doctor, I wanted to be able to know what was going on with my friend, my best friend at that, and not knowing was killing me.

I was still filling out release forms when the doctor walked in, some cute guy in his late 20s to early 30s with sandy brown hair and an engaging smile like a movie star. I figured he would have been a nice guy  to date if it hadn't been for the noticeable wedding band on his finger.

He shook my hand and introduced himself as Dr. Carter.

"You were in that shooting?" He asked as he began looking at my face.

I nodded.

"My-my friend got shot!" I stammered, swallowing back the tears I knew were coming.

"They here?" Dr. Carter asked.

I nodded again.

"Vivian right?" He asked softly, "I'm sure your friend's all right everybody's doing the best they can to make sure everybody coming in from that shooting has the best chance." He neglected to mention there were probably a few that didn't make it.

"You did a good job with the first aid and the paramedics acted quickly, so I think the worst of the bleeding is over but let me just clean you up and put a dressing on that, and I think you're good to go." He smiled again. "Then we'll see about your friend."

 

After I was patched up I rejoined Leslie and Tyler in the waiting room. They were both looking grim.

I frowned.

"Is it that bad?" I asked, fear immediately gripping my throat.

"Yes and no." Tyler answered, "at least five people were killed, maybe more, and more than a dozen were injured in some form or another… We don't know exactly."

I turned to see the closed circuit TV in the waiting room was showing footage from the shooting earlier that afternoon.

"Have they said anything about Nathan?" I asked.

Tyler shook his head.

"Not yet, we should know soon though."

A few minutes later, (although it seemed like an eternity), a doctor in a in a swishing white coat came out to greet us.

"Mr. Clarence's doing well. He seems to be out of immediate danger and the bleeding seems to have subsided. Now all we have to do is watch and make sure there is no more internal damage, but he should be okay in the long run."

I exhaled and Tyler and Leslie looked relieved as they both stood, Leslie asking the question that had been on my mind since they had hurried Nathan away.

"Can we see him?"

The doctor smiled.

"Of course."

 

When I saw Nathan in his hospital room he was dressed in a gown his shoulder bandaged  the nondescript hospital bedding pulled up to his waist. I immediately sat down in the chair next to the bed.

"How are you feeling?" I asked quietly.

Nathan gave me a wry smile.

"Like I've been hit by a bus."

I chuckled hoarsely, at least he hadn't lost his sense of humor.

"At least I didn't end up like those guys in that shooting I posted about a few weeks ago and I don't think this is bad as that, thank God."

"People are dead, man." Tyler said somberly and Nathan looked sad.

"That's unfortunate, I'll be praying for their friends and family tonight."

"Did everybody else make it out okay," Leslie asked, "Caleb and the others."

Tyler nodded.

"I think so, everybody else was back at the booth and not walking around. Unless the gun man was going around picking off people as he went." Tyler frowned again, looking disgusted.

"Let's just be grateful we're still alive." Nathan said wisely, his blue eyes unusually somber.

We stayed there for hours talking quietly discussing the events of the day. It turned out the rest of our party was okay most of them had been at the other end of the block when the shooting had happened and so were unharmed. Nathan was set to be in the hospital for at least a week which pretty much blew the rest of our vacation to smithereens but at this point I didn't care, I was only grateful he was safe, safe and alive.

 

Seeing Nathan was okay I retreated to the hallway to make a few phone calls, which was easier said than done on crutches. First to my parents and then to somebody in Nathan's family to notify them of what had happened. Before calling my own parents I messaged Nathan's brother Mark since he was the only one of Nathan's family who was also one of my Facebook friends. The message was short and to the point.

Shooting at the parade today, Nathan injured, took a bullet to the shoulder but okay, please tell the rest of the family and call as soon as you can-V

After sending the message I made a call to my own family to update them on what was going on. My mother answered on the third ring.

"Hello Vivian, how are you? How are things going?"

"They could be better." I murmured dryly.

"What do you mean?" My mother immediately asked, "what happened? Are you all right?"

Then I explained about the shooting and explained what it happened over the past few hours in a nutshell making the explanation short and to the point.

"Nathan was hurt the worst, he took a bullet to the shoulder the doctors said if it had been any lower it probably would have killed him because it would've gone straight into his lung. Everyone's pretty banged up and I caught a bullet on the cheek, just nicked me a bit, lots of blood but no harm done."

Once my mother seemed satisfied I wrapped up the conversation with my mother adding,

"You should really come home Vivian after something like this I think you scared me out of a ten years growth, which at my age isn't good." She chuckled quietly.

"I'll be home soon, I promise, a little sooner than I would've planned but I'll be home. Probably the day after tomorrow."

I was just finishing up my conversation with my mother when my phone dinged in my ear signaling I had a new message.

"The message from Mark read as follows.

Glad you're all are safe. Told mom and dad, they'll be out on the next plane to San Fran probably tomorrow. Thanks for letting our family know, God bless. Mark.

 

7: Chapter 6

Mr. and Mrs. Clarence arrived the next day. By then, Nathan was a little bit more alert although he was still in pain and groggy from medication. Leslie, Tyler and I had been watching him like a hawk taking turns sitting by his bed, although I didn't want to leave (something out of duty told me not to.)

I was sitting by Nathan's bed holding his hand when Mr. and Mrs. Clarence came through the door and Mrs. Clarence looked almost relieved when she saw me.

"Vivian, how are you dear?"

I shrugged.

"I'm okay," I replied, "things could be better."

Mrs. Clarence noted the gauze pad on my cheek.

"You got hurt?" She looked concerned.

I shrugged again.

"I just got nicked, the bullet never really went anywhere, at worst it was a flesh wound and not a very deep one at that."

Then attention turned to Nathan, who looked at the moment blasted thing reasonably alert although he grimaced every time he moved.

His mother kissed him on the forehead.

"How you feeling Nate?" She asked.

"Honestly?" He asked raising his eyebrows a fraction, "Lousy, really lousy mom."\

Mrs. Clarence chuckled quietly and she smiled slightly as her son's response.

"I bet."

"You've been keeping an eye on him, have you?" Mr. Clarence asked and despite the seriousness of the situation his blue eyes twinkled.

"Well, I…" I stammered, blushing slightly. "Me, Leslie and Tyler… I'm not sure about everybody else."

I frowned as something else occurred to me.

"Hey, Nathan? What about the hotel reservation? You, me, Leslie and Tyler are all here, who's going to check out when were supposed to leave on Saturday?"

"Leslie and Tyler said they take care of it," Nathan shifted uncomfortably again as his mother straightened the pillows behind his head, "they'll be here through the end of the week." He gave me a wan smile, "Don't worry about it, V."

Mr. and Mrs. Clarence, Nathan and I talked over lunch. Hospital food for Nathan and sandwiches from the cafeteria for the rest of us. Nathan was now using his nondominant hand which provided more than a few laughs as he made an attempt to get food into his mouth. After lunch the nurse came in with another dose of pain medication and a few minutes later Nathan had drifted off to sleep. I watched him for a few minutes before I spoke.

"He really scared me yesterday." I admitted quietly to Mr. and Mrs. Clarence, "I wasn't so worried about myself I knew the bleeding would be stopped eventually, but I seriously thought I was going to lose him. I don't know if I could survive that."

Mr. and Mrs. Clarence smiled.

"Well it's good he has a friend like you." Mr. Clarence said putting a hand on my shoulder.

"I'd be more than that if I could…If circumstances were different." I whispered. "I'll love him more than he'll ever know, even if he doesn't feel the same way… I can't help that."

Mrs. Clarence smiled.

"I'm glad."

I smiled back, at a loss for words, I had so much more I wanted to say but didn't have the words to articulate it.

 

I left only briefly to run over to Starbucks with Mr. Clarence. At the time we didn't say much, not until we returned to the hospital room. I was somewhat grateful Nathan was still asleep, I wanted something but whether to disclose this in front of his parents I wasn't sure.

Briefly setting aside my iced coffee I resumed my place next to Nathan's bed. I studied him for a long time every little detail of his face. His light brown lashes and short brown hair, his strong jaw and angular features. Behind his closed lids were the beautiful blue eyes I loved so much and his pale pink lips which were dried and chapped at the moment.

Staring at him like that my heart swelled with love, love I couldn't explain to anyone, a love that had always been there but had grown steadily over the years like a beautiful flower that had been hidden under ugly weeds.

"Nathan, forgive me for this," I whispered, "but you wouldn't let me and I would never have the courage if you were awake."

The kiss was soft, so light I knew your average conscious person probably wouldn't be able to feel it. I kissed his forehead (like his mother had earlier) then his cheek and finally his lips which were just as dry as I had suspected.

"I love you Nathan," I whispered, so quietly I hoped no one could hear. "I can't take that back, no matter how much you want me to."

Somewhere behind me I knew his parents were smiling, but I couldn't face them just now.

So I sat back down and returned my attention to my iced coffee as I continued to watch Nathan sleep.

8: Chapter 7

I returned to Tennessee late on Wednesday, almost a full three days before I had planned to return intentionally. Given my present circumstances Leslie left early too, given she was the only female in our company flying out of the Midwest and coming through Nashville on her way back to New Orleans.

The conversation with my parents regarding Nathan came much sooner than I had expected and the drive back from the airport gave us plenty of time to talk.

"Oh, Vivian, I really wish you hadn't gone on that trip, it just seems like it was more of a hassle, and then with the shooting…" My mother trailed off, "do you really have to get involved in this."

"For Nathan's sake, yes." I replied, "I love him and I support him, that's it. I'm not going to get all political on you it's not like I all the sudden randomly support gay marriage."

"Where does Nathan stand on that." My dad asked quietly his eyes never leaving the road.

I shrugged and looked out the window as I responded in that same evening tone.

"As a Christian, he's against it, I think he just wants LGBT people to be understood by the greater Christian community and taken where they are."

My dad nodded without replying and I knew he was still turning over the idea of what Nathan had revealed over in his mind.

"How is Nathan?" My mom asked, although I knew she was only asking to be polite the circumstances of the situation still made her vaguely uncomfortable.

"He's fine." I murmured quietly, still looking out the window. I was remembering the kiss I had given him the other day momentarily replaying the scene back in my head.

I continued.

"He's doing well, he's probably going to be in the hospital for another week though they're still checking everything making sure he's breathing okay and stuff, the doctors said he was lucky, the bullet could've killed him easily had it been a few inches lower."

"Well thank God for that." My dad commented, he didn't say anything else.

"Amen to that." I murmured, although they would never know how grateful I truly was.

 

Over the next few days I got my schedule back on track, I had some extra time since I wasn't due to start working again until the following Monday. In the meantime I took the weekend, when I wasn't organizing my notes and drafts for my upcoming meeting with Susan, to drive to the west end of Nashville and visit Mark, who I hadn't had any contact with since the Facebook message I had sent him the day of Nathan's accident.

The apartment building he lived in looked like half a dozen others in the area and after making a brief phone call he had given me the apartment number and when he would be in to talk. It was later on a Saturday, when I knew he wasn't crazy busy.

He answered immediately when I knocked on the door.

"Vivian, nice to see you, come on in," he chuckled giving my crutches a cursory glance. "You're lucky each building is separate and I don't live in a high-rise."

I awkwardly made my way to the nearby couch, leaning my crutches against the coffee table hoping I didn't knock anything over.

"Yeah," I agreed, "no kidding."

"To what do I owe this visit?" Mark asked, his blue eyes twinkling and he reminded me so much of Nathan in that moment my heart cramped.

I shrugged, something I felt like I had been doing a lot lately.

"I just wanted to know…"

"How Nathan is doing?" Mark finished.

I nodded.

Mark headed for the kitchen.

"You want anything, I got milk, water and two types of soda-Coke and root beer."

"Root beer is fine." I replied and Mark returned a few minutes later with the can of soda and handed it to me, then he sat down on the couch next to me.

"My parents have been keeping me posted, Scott too, Nate's doing okay, they should be home maybe Wednesday or Thursday of next week, they just want to make sure there are no internal problems."

I nodded.

"I'm glad." I replied.

We fell into an awkward silence, one I was suddenly desperate to break.

"What do you want from him? You're not going to magically convince him to go out with you, you know that, right?"

"I know that." I said quietly, "I don't know what I expect to be honest, all I know is I have all these feelings for him and they can't really go anywhere they're just there and they're not going away."

"Just respect him, and meet him where he is." Mark said softly, "he loves you, in his own way he is just not maybe the best guy to ask to be a boyfriend."

I chuckled nervously.

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you." I said, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

Mark chuckled.

"Hey, it's my brother, I should know."

I nodded.

"I just feel silly forever hoping anything could come out of this… I feel so overwhelmed by what I feel sometimes I just don't know what to do, and I'm afraid I've burdened him with that more than I should."

"Just be there for him, that's all you can do I know he appreciates that."

I smiled.

"Hey Mark, thanks."

 

With a more than awkward conversation with my best friend's brother out of the way I turned my attention back to work and the impending editorial meeting with Susan. The entire thing was making me nervous, the prospect of having to completely rewrite my manuscript was not helping my current mood.

In the meantime Nathan and his parents had returned from San Francisco and it was late that evening when my cell phone rang.

"Hey," I said casually, "how are you, how are you feeling?"

Nathan chuckled quietly.

"Sore, but I'm good." He chuckled quietly, "I don't think I'll be breaking any typing records anytime soon though, I can barely type as it is."

"Good." I murmured because at the moment it was all I could think to say.

We fell into silence, the only sound was the sound of Nathan's breathing on the other end of the line.

We talked about mundane things, I told him about the upcoming meeting with my editor.

"I hope I can come up her some ideas," I continued, "my publisher wants a draft by the end of the summer, but whether this is going to be the last draft I don't know."

"Don't worry, you'll do it, I know you." Nathan murmured quietly and his voice had that gentle caress to it again and maybe that was the thing that led me to believe his feelings were more than friendship. "Don't worry," he said again, "I'll pray for you."

I smiled into the phone.

"Thanks…" I murmured, "that means a lot." When he said that he would pray for me to truly knew he would. I was ingrained in his heart so deep there was no way I was going away that easily even if his heart was never truly mine.

 

I hobbled into Susan's office Monday morning with everything for the meeting in a backpack on my shoulders. I looked awkward and more than a little rumpled despite my blouse and chocolate colored pencil skirt.

Susan looked up when I poked my head in the door and immediately stood her face filled with concern.

"Vivian? What happened to you?" She came to meet me at the door and then went to pull out a chair in front of her desk as I awkwardly pulled off my backpack and heavily sat down before answering her question.

"Long story." I replied, "I'll get to that in a minute." As I spoke I began digging around in my backpack for my notes and the current copy of my manuscript.

Susan gave me a wry smile as she sat down behind her desk.

"Now what happened to your foot?"

"You'll laugh." I said flatly, but in hindsight the incident was pretty humorous. "After my phone conversation with Natalie, which I will get to in a moment, I kicked that new filing cabinet of mine and here comes a cardboard box still full of odds and ends down on my foot."

Susan chuckled quietly.

"That bad, huh?" My editor's face immediately sobered, "what did Natalie say that made you so mad."

I threw up my hands in exasperation.

"She completely dismissed my manuscript!" I exclaimed, tempted to use a few more colorful words but thought better of it, "she wants a revised edition on her desk by the end of August!"

"I agree, that your plot could use some work, but I like your characters but the two don't go together."

I nodded seeing my editor's point.

"What if I just keep the story in California, and forget the exotic setting?" I asked, my mind already whirring with potential ideas.

Susan nodded.

"Also, what else could cause conflict between the two main characters, and their relationship other than the male character's sexual orientation, how does the female protagonist deal with that?"

"Besides having a complete meltdown?" I asked rhetorically and Susan chuckled.

"Does she have a meltdown?" She asked.

"Sort of…" I trailed off.

"What if she swept up in this world of LGBT issues that question her beliefs, if she's trying to choose between love, values and a sense of duty, be it to herself or others?"

Susan nodded.

"I like that, that's the type of thing you need to move the story along."

I was already writing a scene in my head as I continued talking to my editor. I was thinking of what had happened the previous week and how torn I had been between love, friendship, and what everything meant politically and personally (not to mention spiritually) to know a LGBT person. I was thinking of those moments while waiting for help to arrive after Nathan had been shot. In my heart none of the things he had told me over the past 6 to 8 months mattered he was still the person I had grown up with and loved, but it was just the contradiction between his sexual orientation and my feelings for him that was the problem. So in essence I was between a rock and a hard place, and that was something, in reality, I couldn't write myself out of.

9: Chapter 8

By the following week everything had settled down and my life returned to being relatively normal. I was still up to my ears with my writing scrambling to reformulate my ideas for the draft my publisher wanted by the end of the summer while trying to contend with a broken ankle.

So in the meantime I returned to the doctor for a checkup. She said my foot was healing nicely and I could probably get the walking cast off by the end of the summer. It was just another thing for me to look forward to.

 

Meanwhile, Nathan was still a sore spot of discussion between my dad and I. When it came to my best friend we still didn't see eye to eye.

"Vivian, I don't want you getting influenced by any of these ideas," he was saying, "maybe there's more to them, but it may not be the right place for you to be."

After getting another response like this I was very tempted to roll my eyes, the argument was going nowhere.

"And maybe it's where I'm supposed to be," I shot back, "he's not saying people's viewpoints are 100% right, he's just trying to open the eyes of the Christian community to the plight in which most LGBT people-- teens and young adults find themselves, to be accepted and met where they are. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm not abandoning my friend over something he can't control." My next words were something I remember reading in an article or blog post. "It's like asking somebody to change the color of their eyes, his sexuality isn't something you can change, it just is."

My dad sighed, clearly he knew the argument was going nowhere quickly and for now, it was best to drop it.

 

Later, when I wasn't working on my novel, I took to the Internet. I plugged in the search I had plugged in when Nathan had first come out to me "resources for families and friends of lesbians and gays". This brought me to what I had been looking for: the PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) website and different regional chapter web links. Fortunately, there happened to be one in Nashville, and seemingly every major city in every state in the country. It was my only outlet for explaining to my dad what my position was, that, while not necessarily supporting every political position for the LGBT community (that was my opinion after all) I supported the social standings of where Nathan and a few others were and I just wanted people to understand. After all, the worst thing my dad could say was "no".

I brought it up slowly over a phone call a day or so later, if we were going to make the meeting that week I had to state my case soon.

"I want to go to this meeting, and I want you to come with me." I said, "I need you to understand where I'm coming from, where Nathan is coming from."

"Is it a Christian organization."

"Directly, no," I replied, "but they have resources if people should happen to need them, mostly online as far as I know."

I continued:

"They're not going to force you to be something you're not, from what I understand it's a support group, people are allowed to share their opinions and experiences… Everyone is different, everyone's circumstances are different, Christian or not. That was something I learned when Nathan came out to me, and trust me I've done my research."

There was a long silence from my dad.

"Fine," my dad said quietly, "I'll go, but if it makes me uncomfortable I'm leaving."

I nodded as I replied.

"Fair enough."

 

The meeting was held in the large building, in a large room with a small knot of foldable chairs which were arranged in a circle. Standing around the room were small groups of people, talking quietly, I watched them out of the corner my eye but I wasn't close enough, or listening hard enough to pick up on any of their conversation.

Along one side of the room was a buffet table with water, juice, coffee and small snacks, which people walked by and picked up at random intervals. Dad and I found a seat in a few empty chairs, I felt vaguely conspicuous in this place, but not quite uncomfortable. We made small talk until the meeting began a little after 7 PM.

The moderator, or who I assumed was, looked around the circle, there were about fifteen or twenty people there all in various states of unease, clearly some more comfortable than others.

"I see we have some new faces tonight." The woman with shoulder length brown hair that fell in  soft ringlets around her face said. She studied our nametags.

"Matthew?" The woman glanced down at my dad's name tag again, "Mr. Peters," she extended her hand in a handshake which my dad returned.

She smiled at me.

"You must be Vivian, nice to meet you."

"This is my dad, I was the one that brought him here." I was quick to explain.

The woman nodded, just by looking at her I knew she was someone who could be trusted, someone who wouldn't judge too harshly.

"Mr. Peters, Vivian, why are you here? What are you hoping to find?"

I answered again.

"It's about my best friend… He came out to me about seven months ago as bisexual… And that is causing some friction between my dad and I." I explained.

"How so?" The woman, her name tag read "Martha" asked.

"He thinks having an LGBT friend is going to change me, change my beliefs and change how I think. I can't lie, it has changed how I think, but for the better. We come from a very conservative family, and my friend does too… So one would think it's at odds with our faith."

"It doesn't have to be, we're not asking you to agree with everything we say here, we're just here to support each other in our struggles and experiences." Martha said quietly.

For the first time since we had arrived my dad spoke.

"I don't know what to think about this," he said quietly, "I've been searching a lot, praying."

"Maybe it's time you open your eyes and see things as they are," Martha said gently, "your daughter obviously cares for her friend very much and wants him to continue to thrive within the LGBT community."

I nodded in agreement, I also didn't mention I was in love with him, in love with someone who most likely would never returned my feelings.

 

For the next hour conversation went back and forth. People told their stories, the good and the bad and there were a few who were there because of "religious conflicts". By the end of it I wouldn't say everything was "solved" but it was a step in the right direction.

Dad and I spoke little on the drive home, whatever speaking we did was done in short angry bursts.

 

"What did you think that would change about my opinion Vivian? I still don't agree with these views on sexuality… I can still think they're wrong."

"From a Christian standpoint, yes, any sexual act outside of marriage is wrong, I don't dispute that, but that's not what they're talking about… They talking about even just accepting these people, whether their Christian are not they're treated as outsiders. Even LGBT Christians are treated as outcasts, some being disowned by their families because their sexuality is perceived as "wrong".

"But it is wrong." My dad argued.

"I'm not saying it isn't," I replied, "the sin is wrong, sin is always wrong and everybody sins."

My dad smiled faintly. "That's true."

"I've been guilty of these prejudices against these people too, everyone has at one point or another, I thought they chose to be this way, but it's simply something they discover about themselves that just is. That is the best way I can explain it, if you want a better explanation, ask Nathan."

"Why can't you just let him be, let us be. This doesn't change anything about him he's still the same nice, good Christian guy, he always will be. I had to remind myself of that."

My dad shook his head. "I just don't agree. You can't change my opinion on what I believe Vivian."

We were both stubbornly silent when we returned to my apartment. Once inside my mind was still whirling, I felt a  million emotions at once, I was sad, mad and frustrated. I was glad I didn't live with my parents anymore, but after tonight I couldn't stay in my own apartment either.

Still mad, I began tossing things and would duffel bag, clothes, toiletries and a few overnight essentials. I knew exactly where I was going and the one person I needed to see.

10: Chapter 9

I was still questioning the reason I was even standing on the Clarence's doorstep at 9:30 PM as I stood to ring the doorbell. My mind was still whirling with thoughts of this and that and the possible solutions thereof.

I rang the doorbell and waited until the porch light came on illuminating me in a beam of light that suddenly seemed too bright and then the door was opening revealing Mrs. Clarence's smiling face. She was a kind looking woman with wavy, slightly graying brown hair. She had the same blue eyes as her son and the same kind smile.

"Vivian? Well this is a surprise, I think Nathan is still up if you want to talk to him."

I glanced down at my feet, one of which was still boasting the walking cast which I was casually not wearing every waking second, my foot didn't hurt so much anymore anyway and I could get around easily with one crutch now.

"Actually Mrs. Clarence… I was wondering if I could stay at least for tonight, you see my dad and I aren't on the best terms right now, and I just kind of need somebody to talk to."

Mrs. Clarence nodded. "I have no problem with that, why don't you come in and tell me all about it."

She opened the door and just as she was stepping away I saw Nathan coming down the stairs. He had this goofy little thing he had done since he was a kid where he took two steps at a time, even at twenty-six I found the little quirk endearing.

"Vivian?" His tone was identical to his mother's when she had initially open the door. "Don't take this the wrong way but what are you doing here? Do you realize what time it is?"

"I kind of had a fight with my dad." I muttered as I stepped inside and sank down on the nearby couch.

Nathan's eyebrows rose practically to his hairline and his blue eyes widened.

"What about?"

"You." I stated bluntly, but I had no other option about how to answer the question he had asked.

"Me? What about me?" He asked, although I was sure he could guess.

Before answering his question I turned to Mrs. Clarence and Mr. Clarence who had come down thanks to the commotion at the front door.

"No offense, but I would rather talk to Nathan alone about this… If you don't mind."

Nathan's parents looked at each other and smiled.

"We have no problem with that. Take all the time you need Vivian."

I nodded before following Nathan up to his room.

 

I hadn't been in Nathan's room in years, the room was much more starkly furnished than it had been in earlier years and it was less brightly adorned than it had been when we were eight years old. There was a desk with a computer in one corner, a twin size bed, and a chest of drawers. Above the dresser was a simple bulletin board with notes and flyers for various things.

 On top of the dresser were the little knickknacks I had given him over the years, most of them I figured had stayed here even though Nathan had moved locations many times and would continue to do so in the next few years.

"How's your shoulder?" I asked as Nathan sat down on his bed. He had that pinched concerned look on his face, the type of expression I wanted to wipe away as quickly as possible.

Nathan rotated the body part in question, rolling his neck slightly.

"It's better, I might go for some physical therapy later once I get back to Indiana." Then he leveled a gaze at me a gaze that could either be amused that sparkled with enough energy to power a pack of light bulbs or an expression that was dead serious, and in this case it was the latter.

"What did you and your dad fight about?" He asked again.

"Me supporting you and my position with LGBT issues." I answered.

Nathan frowned slightly.

"I have an opinion on the sexuality stuff, sure, but that doesn't mean I agree with all of it. I just want other Christians to see these people as they are, see that they're not so different from any other Christian they still love God, they still make mistakes, they are no more perfect or imperfect than anybody else. I'm certainly not." He gave a wry smile.

"I know that, but my dad is still stuck in the Old Testament and he has a very strong opinion on homosexuality issues etc. I tried to explain that to him that he doesn't want to listen."

I sank down on the bed next to Nathan, I didn't know what else to say.

 

"Maybe here to find your own way to explain your position to him instead of trying to repeat everything I've said, that direct approach doesn't work with everybody."

I nodded, still not finding words.

"I just don't know how! This isn't my issue, not really, it's yours and I'm not living it so…" I shrugged. "I wish I could speak like you…" I murmured, "I wish I had a way of making people listen."

"They may listen, but they don't always agree." Nathan said quietly.

We fell into silence for a few minutes.

"I don't know," I murmured, "maybe I'm just fooling myself, stuff like this always seems harder to figure out the later it gets."

"Why don't you sleep on it, pray about it, I'll pray for you too… We'll figure it out in the morning." He smiled and put a hand on my shoulder, although at the moment I wish it was more than that brief touch.

 

Mrs. Clarence made up the futon which she had intended to put in the room that was just off the hallway leading to Nathan's bedroom.

"You can sleep in Nathan's room if you want," she gave a small smile, "I don't mind," her eyes twinkled with faint amusement, "I trust you." She looked between me and Nathan and back again and Nathan looked faintly uncomfortable.

I gave Nathan a sidelong glance.

"You don't mind, do you?" I questioned.

Nathan shook his head, his expression still serious.

"As long as we're not sleeping together."

"Of course not!" I stammered, blushing slightly.

I wouldn't have minded sleeping with Nathan, I could do with the comfort which was what I needed at the moment.

 

For a long time we just lay in the dark quietly. Nathan dressed in shorts and a T-shirt and we just lay on his bed, not saying anything which was just the way I liked it. Nathan had in his arms loosely around me but we were close enough to touch and my mind raced with ideas of kissing him again, and doing so much more than that.

It was close to 10:30 PM by the time we went our separate ways. I brushed my teeth while he got dressed and he brushed his while I got dressed. Then I took off my cast and climb between the sheets of the futon which was surprisingly comfortable, or maybe I was just overly tired.

"Night." I murmured as soon as Nathan had turned off the light, I had heard him shifting around in bed and raising myself up on my elbows I saw he had taken off his shirt, the outline of his bare torso barely visible in the darkness.

"Night," Nathan murmured back, "sleep well."

No more was said that night as we fell into silence and I reached out my hand for Nathan in the dark and for the briefest of moments his was within reach of where I was on the floor. Our fingers grasped each other's loosely and Nathan gave my hand a brief squeeze. In that moment we didn't need words, a brief touch was all that was needed.

11: Chapter 10

When I opened my eyes the next morning it took me a few minutes to remember where I was, then I remembered the night before, the argument with my dad, the PFLAG meeting, and spending the night at the Clarence's house.

I found myself staring at the edge of Nathan's bed spread and followed it up to where he was still sound asleep with one hand hanging over the edge of the bed, the sheets and the tangled mess at the foot of the bed. I smiled, he was adorable, but I wasn't going to tell anybody that and I was more than happy to keep it to myself.

I glanced at the clock, it was shortly before eight and I figured Mr. and Mrs. Clarence had already left for work. Nathan could be up in a few minutes or he could be up in a few hours and I was just getting ready to retrieve my clothes from the duffel bag in the corner of the room when I heard the rustle of sheets and Nathan slowly opening his eyes to look at me.

"Morning." I said cheerfully.

Nathan groaned rubbing a hand across his face.

"Morning." He replied, still sounding groggy.

"Well… I was just getting ready to get dressed… I'll be back in a bit alright."

Nathan grunted and rolled back over in bed, clearly he wasn't quite awake yet.

 

When I returned to the bedroom a few minutes later fully dressed Nathan was out of bed still in his boxers although he had thrown on a T-shirt  and was clicking through windows on his desktop most likely checking his email.

As soon as he saw me he stopped what he was doing and looked up and smiled.

"Have you thought about what you're going to tell your dad?"

"No, not really, in case you forgot I've been asleep for the past eight hours." I teased. I paused, debating whether or not to voice the thought that had come to my mind. "Well, I did consider something… But it would require telling you things maybe I don't want to tell you."

Nathan raised his eyebrows.

"Like what?" He asked.

Sighing, I sat down on the edge of the unmade bed.

"You know that book I wrote last year, the one that got me that book deal?" I asked.

Nathan nodded.

"Well, you kind of inspired it."

Nathan's eyebrows rose slightly.

"How so?" He asked casually, and he sounded generally curious.

The next few words came out in a rush, sounding like one big run-on sentence.

"IwroteasoryaboutyoucomingouttomeandhowIfeltaboutit."

A series of emotions played across Nathan's face and for a long time he didn't say anything.

"Oh." Was all he said finally, which was like the understatement of the year.

" 'Oh' that's all you're going to say?"

"What else can I say? The books already published isn't it?"

"Yes." I answered.

"If I was really paranoid," Nathan continued, "I could ask you if you changed the names and events enough, but I'm not, I trust you and I trust your publisher is smart enough to tell you to change the names."

"Of course," I replied, unsure of where he was going with this.

"So where you going with this?" Nathan asked next.

I shrugged.

"I was going to give the book to my dad to read, maybe he'll understand then. I mean, it's not like I'm talking about anybody having sex." I chuckled nervously.

"No," Nathan replied, "you're not, and I'm not sleeping around with anyone, male or female last time I checked." Then he smirked his blue eyes twinkling. I wished he would stop doing that, it was doing funny things to my stomach.

Nathan's tone lightened.

"How come this is the first I've heard of this book? You said you had gotten a publishing deal and you had written something and you were writing more, but you never told me what." He looked slightly hurt.

I stared at my knees feeling like his gaze was too heavy to meet.

"I felt like I couldn't…" I said slowly, "I didn't know how you would react."

Nathan nodded slowly but he still hadn't said anything.

"What's the name of this book if I may ask?"

"Damage Control." I answered, "it's all the stuff that happened to me last year after you came out to me. I started writing and I couldn't stop. I felt like nobody understood what I was going through, even though I had other people tell me they had been in a similar position I felt like I was alone because--"

I caught myself just in time I was about to say "because I'm in love with you" but stopped myself because I knew what the repercussions of saying that out loud would be.

"Hmm…" Nathan murmured, "maybe I'll have to read it some time."

"Yeah, maybe." I replied quietly. I was still staring at my knees and still feeling increasingly uncomfortable as we fell into an awkward silence. Definitely if Nathan read my book he would know exactly how I felt and where my dilemma was, there would be no hiding my feelings then.

Bits and pieces of potential conversations with Nathan after he had read my book swirled around in my head, but he would tell it how it is and I would still be in the position I was "the friend" unable to move forward, stuck between what I wanted and what could never be.

Finally, drawing in a slow breath I spoke again.

"So when are you going back to Indiana?" I asked.

"Hopefully by the end of the month, but my mom wants me to get some physical therapy before I go back. I might have to have Matt drive me back since I still don't have full range of motion in my shoulder to drive as well if I could… My reaction time is still slow. Not a good thing if you're driving on the freeway." He chuckled quietly.

We rose from where we had been talking and headed out of his room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Just as he reached the bottom of the stairs Nathan turned to me that sparkle back in his eyes.

"So, to change the subject, what do you want for breakfast?"

12: Chapter 11

I eventually did return home, following the breakfast at Nathan's house during which we discussed him finishing his teaching position and returning to Google in a few years. It seemed like it had been forever since I had been at my apartment, so much had happened in the past twenty-four hours it made my head hurt, but at the same time I had a clear head and knew exactly where I was going and what I wanted to do.

In my office I had a shelf specifically dedicated to the books I had published and the advanced copies I had received. Currently there was only one and the drafts of two others pending in rubber banded manila folders. Sighing, I took the paperback from the shelf and shoved it into my back pocket, I wouldn't be going over to my parents house until later that afternoon.

 

I had an odd sense of déjà vu coming over to my parents' house, it seemed like forever since we had sat down to that dinner in which Nathan had come clean to my parents, when in reality it had only been about three months. During dinner there was the typical end of week chitchat from my parents and no one had mentioned the argument my dad and I had the night before, but I figured my mom knew about it.

It wasn't until after dinner I made my case, carefully drawing the paperback out of my back pocket. Sighing, I slid the book across the table.

"Dad, I want you to read this, maybe it will help you see my side of the story a little bit better."

My dad nodded, reaching for the book.

"I can do that," he replied, briefly glancing at the synopsis on the back cover.

"By the way, that's my only copy of the book, my advanced to copy if you must know, so I kind of need it back when you're done."

My dad nodded again.

"I can do that."

 

The upcoming weeks were busy for me and Nathan. I was getting my cast off (finally) and Nathan was returning to Indiana where he was starting physical therapy for his shoulder early that week. Thankfully, I was off the hook other than my doctor's appointment and my pressing deadline from my publisher so I could go anywhere and write whenever I wanted and still be supportive of my best friend.

We had been making tentative plans to go back together; me, Nathan and Mark, who was taking off work for a few days so he could drive Nathan back.

I spent most of the 5 to 6 hour trip drafting the next few chapters of my novel. It was too cramped to comfortably get out my laptop and type, and my battery wouldn't last that long without a charge. When I wasn't outlining my novel I talked to Nathan, we talked about normal things, everyday things and what Nathan would do once he returned to Indiana.

Nathan shrugged, a motion I could tell cost him a great deal of effort and still made him wince slightly. He had weaned down his medication to strictly over-the-counter and was taking two or three ibuprofen as need be.

"I'll manage, just one day at a time I guess." He replied in question to my inquiry. We smiled at each other and fell into silence again.

 

Most of the trip was uneventful and we arrived without incident. We would be living under the same roof for a while, Nathan, Mark and I, the guys sharing a room while I took the couch.

While Nathan's house in North Carolina had gone from a two-bedroom apartment to a rented house shared by four guys I noted he had gone back to a one-bedroom apartment but it was still a tight squeeze with the three of us. (Mark sleeping on the futon on Nathan's bedroom floor.) Fortunately it wouldn't be too crowded for a long, Mark was leaving the next morning so it would only be me and Nathan in the house, which I knew would make our situation even more tense than it already was.

Before when I had visited Nathan in North Carolina Tyler had been there to cut the tension and while the current arrangement wasn't ideal, it was the only option I had.

We fell into an almost normal routine the next morning during breakfast and discussing our plans for the day before Mark left, promising he would call when he got back to Nashville later that night. Meanwhile Nathan turned his attention to the appointment he had made with a physical therapist at the local rehabilitation clinic and by the time he was done with breakfast he was already scrolling through his phone checking his schedule.

"I'm lucky school doesn't start for another three weeks, or I would be really messed up." He muttered before giving me a lopsided smile, "At least I don't have to call in sick."

 

The clinic looked like half a dozen others I knew were all over the Midwest, small on the outside but surprisingly spacious on the inside (unless it was some top-of-the-line hospital that had the habit of looking like a small resort.) I stood by while Nathan checked in, filling out paperwork and talking to the receptionist in a low subdued voice.

Twenty minutes later, before I was even through drafting part of the chapter I was writing, the therapist appeared. He was a young man with short brown hair a few shades darker than Nathan's, he was reasonably good-looking, like wannabe Hollywood actor. He flashed a perfect set of straight white teeth and I was put in mind of the surfers from the cliché beach movies I saw every once in a while.

"Hi," he said pleasantly, "I'm Chris, nice to meet you."

"Nate." Nathan replied, returning the handshake.

Chris turned his attention to me shaking the hand I offered before returning his attention back to Nathan. He arched a curious eyebrow.

"Girlfriend?" He asked.

Nathan looked momentarily embarrassed before he quickly recovered.

"No," he shook his head, "just a friend."

Chris smiled again, he was beginning to remind me of the models in toothpaste commercials.

"Well then, you're a lucky guy."

Nathan grinned, the smile seeming a little bit forced but he nodded, stood, and we followed Chris back in the direction of the work rooms.

 

"I'm just going to do a quick evaluation and see what needs to be accomplished here." Chris explained sitting down at the small table a laptop across his knees, "I need you to fill this out." He handed Nathan a piece of paper.

Finally I spoke up.

"Do you mind if I work?" I asked, "sorry, but I got a deadline from my publisher in three weeks."

Chris shook his head.

"You're a writer?" He looked curious now.

I nodded.

"Not at all, do whatever you need to, don't stop on my account."

While Chris assessed Nathan and gave him a few simple exercises I continued my writing, watching the progress of Nathan's session over the top of my laptop and I didn't stop typing until I caught one of Chris's questions.

"You're a teacher right? How you end up getting shot anyway?"

Nathan gave a wry smile.

"Long story, and I'd like to keep that private if you don't mind."

Chris grinned.

"Alright, no worries man, it's cool."

 

I only half listened to the guys conversation as I typed I had never seen two people more different, Nathan hadn't even mentioned he had a PhD and had spent most of the last eight years in school. Writing and half listening to the conversation around me the time flew by and before I knew it Chris and Nathan were done with their session and I was wrapping up the chapter I was writing.

Nathan and I didn't speak at length until we were walking out of the clinic as I slid in behind the wheel Nathan climbing into the passenger seat beside me.

"That guy was… Wow!" Nathan chuckled, "he was totally hitting on you V!"

"Yeah don't remind me." I muttered dryly. "I might have been interested in a guy like that at one point, but not anymore."

Nathan and I fell back into a comfortable silence on our way back to his apartment, only giving each other brief glances when my eyes didn't need to be on the road.

 

I returned to Nashville on Friday. I was sad to leave Nathan but I knew I needed to, I still had half a dozen chapters to finish for my book which was coming together much more quickly than I had anticipated. I had taken a few of Susan's suggestions along with a few of my ideas inspired by my trip to California. I've kept the characters and the concepts the same but I had changed the plot to reflect the entire fiasco Nathan and I had been through earlier that summer. Each time I finished a chapter I said a little prayer, praying that what I had was good enough good enough to get me a second bestseller.

 

It had been almost a week since I had given my dad Damage Control and I prayed as I went over to the house for church that weekend he had finished it.

Saturdays were never a good day for a heart-to-heart, so while my dad had finished the book we didn't have much for chance to talk until the following day, when my dad called me into his downstairs office.

"You wanted see me dad?" I questioned, even though I knew quite well what he had called me into his office for.

"Sighing my dad set my book out on his desk pushing them towards me. The book hit the hard surface with a satisfying "THWACK".

"You read it?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

My dad nodded slowly, his expression unreadable.

"It's good, Vivian, really good. I don't understand why you never let your mother and I read it before."

"I was afraid," I admitted, "afraid of what you would think about Nathan… About me."

"I understand why you felt that way, but know  I will always love you regardless of your choices or the friends you make. I may not agree with some of your decisions, but I trust you."

"And dad, about what I said the other night…"

My dad waved me off.

"Don't worry about it, you're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine, that's just part of life."

I chewed my lip and nodded, he had a point.

"Why did this make you so afraid?" My dad asked quietly, his dark eyes looked concerned.

I shook my head pressing my palms down on the top of the desk reaching for my book flipping the corner of the cover and the adjoining pages back and forth.

"I don't know…" I mumbled, "I guess I feel stupid."

My dad raised his eyebrows.

"Stupid? Why?"

"I fell in love, I fell in love with someone who would most likely never return my feelings. I thought we were going somewhere for a while, but that never happened."

"Falling in love isn't stupid, it's human, and God will show you the right person in time."

I sighed, this was an answer I had been getting a lot, but I felt like I needed more than the simple answers I had been getting as of late.

"Thanks dad," I said instead, "your opinion means a lot to me I just want you to know that."

He came around the desk and we hugged and then I picked at my book and walked out of his office. I still felt like no one understood, I knew I couldn't make Nathan love me, at least not in the way I wanted, but how could I honestly tell dad I could wait for the right person when I felt like the right person was already right in front of me.

 

13: Chapter 12

When I returned from Indiana (via rental car) my first order of business to finish up my manuscript to be ready for Natalie in the next two weeks. I was still casting about for details and ideas and how to tie my plot points together when it came to me.

Like many of my ideas it came up late at night when I was more interested in sleeping then writing or putting down ideas on any online forum. I had been kicking the idea around in my head to use my recent summer getaway as the inspiration for my new novel (although not in its entirety). That was why I found myself writing at my desk at 2 AM booting my machine so it cast the dark office in an eerie glow, opening the Word document that was my novel and then the ideas came one right after the other, so fast I could barely write them all down.

The story took place in San Diego and the story begins when Alana, one of my main characters has a humongous argument with her father concerning her relationship with her best friend Michael, who has recently announced he is gay. Alana comes from a conservative family so this idea doesn't exactly gel with her friends and family. The current argument comes from Alana wanting to go to San Franciscoi for the Gay Pride Parade to be supportive and be the friend she can. At least at the moment I opted to take the romantic element of the story, I couldn't fit it in, at least not from the angle I was telling this particular story. It was quite different from the story Damage Control had been. Then I began telling about the shooting at the parade and how that affected all the characters, including Alana's father.

I finally finish writing some time before nine or 10 AM. I rarely pulled an all nighter but this was a special case. Afterwards I grabbed a bite to eat, brushed my teeth, and crawled back into bed, I probably was going to sleep until dinner if not later, it would probably be my last downtime until after the book was published and then there would be the press and everything that went along with it.

 

My next order of business was getting the all clear from my doctor regarding my ankle, which had healed nicely over the summer. My doctor seemed to think it was funny I had broken my ankle after I had gotten pissed at my publisher and joked I should take anger management classes, but I rolled my eyes and solemnly swore I wouldn't kick another filing cabinet as long as I lived. I had learned my lesson… For now.

Following my doctor's appointment I texted Nathan.

Just got the all clear from the doc, no more clunky walking cast! Hallelujah!

A text came through a few minutes later.

Good for you. How's your book coming?

Great! Just finished the final manuscript yesterday, slept for a good ten hours afterwards… I started writing at 2 AM LOL

I continued:

The meeting with Natalie isn't until next week, wish me luck.

Good luck, I'll pray for you.

Thanks.

 

A week later, I am sitting in Natalie's outer office, pencil skirt, heels and all with my manuscript in a manila folder clutched to my chest. I have a vaguely sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wondering if I'm actually going to get everything tied up the way I wanted to.

Just then Natalie's secretary spoke.

"Miss Peters? She'll see you now."

Gulping, I made my way into the office, my publisher nodding and she motioned for me to sit down.

"Good afternoon, Vivian, hope you're feeling better."

"Yes, much, thank you." I manage through the lump in my throat.

"Good…" Natalie murmured absently as she sat down behind her desk. Without speaking I place the folder with the manuscript on her desk, which she reaches for flipping through the first few pages.

"Looks good Vivian, I look forward to reading this at length, I'll give you a call within the next couple weeks." All this is said without her looking up from the manuscript and she only pauses to read something before she looks up again. "I quite like your dedication…" She pauses to adjust her reading glasses on her nose before continuing.

" 'To Nathan, Tyler, Caleb and Leslie, your inspiration and support mean more than you will ever know.' "

"I'll call you within the next few weeks with details. Do you have an idea for the cover for this one… And I assume you want to use the same illustrator you did last time?"

"Yes, absolutely." I replied quickly.

"You can have a rough to her by next week? I would like to keep this moving along, but we're right on target for a November release."

Natalie set my manuscript aside and stacked the loose papers on her desk, telling me the meeting was over.

"I'll be in touch if there are any changes."

I walked out of the office as if a large weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I went home feeling lighter than I had in weeks. First order of business, call Nathan.

 

It was just shy of my November 15 release date when I received my advance copy of the new book. A white cover displaying a smoking gun and tattered LGBT flag the word "crossfire" in jagged harsh script. Everything on that cover was a metaphor for what I had been through that summer, the societal views that pulled at my beliefs and made me look at the bigger picture of the world I lived in.

In the coming weeks there would be the release and there would be the press and then there would be Nathan and the others. Nathan and Tyler were coming into town for the holidays and we would celebrate then, whether the book made the bestsellers list or not. I would be happy if it was even in the top 200.

Gently, I placed the paperback in my place of honor next to Damage Control and smoothing the binding I smiled.