Suffocation and dread.
Loneliness and fear.
Abandonment... and secrecy.
You promised you wouldn't go, you promised you wouldn't leave. You promised we would be together for all eternity.
And yet I find myself without your caress and embrace, I find myself dreaming in silence and tears. For my memory of you is fading and a part of me breaks and I'm left with an empty burning space.
I hear your lullabies and I see tears. I feel your misery and burning screams. I know it hurts, I see your fear. I know you're scared, you wouldn't let go of me. I saw the life die from your eyes and I nearly cried. But I had nothing left to give but a goodbye.
You told me to be strong, and strong I will be.
You told me to move on, and forward I will lead.
You told me to seek, and stars I will reach.
You told me to never forget, and in my dreams you do speak.
You told me to never leave and yet it is you who they placed below me.
15 years you have been gone, and 15 years I had moved on.
I can still feel the grip you had on me, I can still feel the stare you burned into my memory. My throat is dried and parched. My last words to you are gone for they were already said when you moved on.
You told me to let go and I begged you to stay.
You told me to look away and I screamed "Don't sleep."
You smiled and said goodnight and I wished you never closed your eyes.
You were my whole, you were my light.
When you were gone, I had no life.
You were me and I was you.
When you left, I did to.
We had different names but similar hearts. For you were my twin and I shall forever be your might.
"I will never say goodnight."
It was quiet... Deathly quiet as I walked down the hall.
It was cold... Empty cold as I passed yet another deserted room.
The air is stiff and suffocating as I took another breath.
It's odd... I thought I heard something down there... like rushed footsteps.
It's even odder that the house is completely bare save for my few belongings.
Where's the furniture?
Where's the frames?
Where... are you?
Yet another breath and another step but I still can't see you. I still can't hear you.
Where are you?
Did you leave?
Are you coming back?
For me?
No, probably not.
If you were your clothes would have still been in the closet. Your books would have still been in the bookcase and the bookcase would have been here.
No, you're probably not coming back... especially not for me it seems.
Where are you?
Where did you go?
Did you get tired?
Tired of me?
Tell me... are you ever coming back?
Mother, tell me... why did you leave... me?
During the brightest days I would find myself smiling.
Giggling as I would watch my reflection's eyes fill with glee.
I would sing along to the clock as I wait for you to come home.
Tick Tock, Tick Tock.
I begin to worry as every leaf on the willow tree begins to fall and the bright day becomes a vibrant dawn.
Where are you?
I
scowl myself for ever doubting you even for a second and began the merry chant again.
The smile never leaves my face, not even when I see my mother's pain filled eyes.
You're just a little late after all.
But as the dawn turns to night, my shoulders begin to shake.
My vision begins to blur and my smile turns strained.
I forgot...
You're not coming home.
Never again.
Aren't you father?
Never again.
Never again can I sit by this windowsill and watch as you stroll home.
Never again.
Never again will I feel the rush as you left me high in the sky so I can soar.
Never again.
Why?
Why must you repeat such words?
Why must you hurt me so?
Never again.
Will you ever answer?
Never again.
No, never again because I forgot.
I forgot...
"Silly me, you're long gone."
I stood there, silently, unaware by the others.
I dare not move for the fear of being discovered.
I did not speak, I did not breath, I did not shed a single tear
For the fear of being uncovered.
I watched, as they led three men down the lain
I watched as they smiled without shame.
These men who had brought me pain and agony
These men who now walk with precise aim
My stomach twists and turns, as I looked at these men before me,
These men who are now forever burned in my memory
But even if I yell and scream, even if I came out clean.
They would never hear my story of their bitter treachery.
I remember clearly well of that heart-rending night,
I remember clearly well of that forsaken sight.
Oh how I remember her tears and screams,
Oh how I remember their smiles that seem to beam.
But I did not move even then,
I did not move even when she was dragged,
For I could not move no matter how much I tried
No, I couldn't move for I was bound and gagged.
These men who had beaten and beaten my father
These men who never cease in their wicked laughter
These men who had shot and raped my mother
These men who had gagged and drowned me soon after
I can hear them screaming but I can no longer see them… I can no longer see anything but her pale lilac eyes that glaze so brightly at the white fragile snow that covers every tree around her, like every other morning.
I know something's wrong, I can tell… just by the way the pureness of the snow blends with the redness of my blood and yet… I can feel no pain… I can feel no shame.
No shame of what I had done. It was for her, this is all for her and I would never change a thing if I had the chance. And so I can't stop now. I can't stop running until I know for certain that it's not all for loss, that it's not all in vain… that she's okay.
The trees begin to twist and turn to a sudden blacken blur until they disappear alongside the rest of my sanity and yet I continue running. Running for my life. Running for her.
Without her I am nothing but the vermin that they have described numerous of times. Without her I would have stopped going a long time ago.
No
No, I can't stop, not now. Not ever.
I don't dare look back and see what I'm sure is to come, and so instead I look up…. up towards the heavens just to get a bit of solitude, just a bit of peace.
But of course when I suddenly need them, they fail me. They give me nothing but what I already know. A sky once so clear, devoured by darkness.
A darkness that destroys anything it touches. A darkness made of nothing but pure evil, insanity and the souls of our lost beloveds. I watch as its tentacles made of spidery black thread creep forwards and spread all around the once blue sky like dripped poison. I watch as the sky turns midnight black filled with streaks of fiery red. Such a blacken bright color that I can't help but cringe.
Cringe as it reminds me of my once dear mother. She too was ashy black, burned by hell's flames. Her gashes opened wide to reveal chipped white bone and ripped crimson threads that were once connected. But I cannot indulge in reminisce. She's long gone…. She left us alone in this world while she laughs in bitter glee as she helps the darkness hunt us down. Helps the darkness burn us, rip us, claw us to pieces with its venomous fangs.
No I can't think of that now. I have to find her. I have to find her before it does.
I never stop running even when I past my limit and could no longer see my legs move. I never stop running as the wind slashes my face and exposed body flesh. I never stopped as my bare frozen feet hit the cold rough round in a numb tingling step. I never stopped for I paid no mind to it all. I paid no mind to the aching muscles that commanded me to stop and just simply let the darkness finish what it had started. I paid no mind to the screaming lungs that threatened to explode if it continued to endure such torment.
No, I paid no mind to the useless things that try to get in my way of finding her.
I paid no mind because I could finally see it… The hill that leads me to my lost buried joy. A tree filled with sycamores that fall ever so gently. The very tree that my baby boy's grave does rest upon its shadows. I continue running, knowing that I am about to break soon… Oh so very soon.
And there she sits…. Crying between her arms over the tombstone, completely unaware of the danger lurking around, searching for her. I leap forward and cradled her in my arms, moments… seconds before the darkness stroke.
But it's alright… It's okay.
I got here just in time, just before it could. And I can't help but smile as I look down towards her.
Bella… My sweet sweet Bella.
My baby girl.
I am here but you do not see me. I am here but you do not hear me.
For I am a figment of your imagination. A simple creation.
That's what they've always said.
But did you know that they lied? That I'm very much alive.
No, because you'll never believe me. You'll never free me.
For I am a figment of your imagination. A simple creation.
That's what they've always said.
I am locked upon this tower for I have no power. No power oh how that sounds so sour.
I sit here in this window still mourning for the goals I will never fulfill.
I can never escape for I may never go outside, I must hide.
Hide from their evil clutches, their poisonous touches.
But you will never believe me. You will never free me.
For I am a figment of your imagination. A simple creation.
That's what they've always said.
Did you know that while you're outside playing I am inside praying.
Praying that one day you would find me, one day you would remind me.
Remind me that there is hope. That there is no reason to mope.
But you would never find me, you would never unbind me.
Because you'll never believe me. Never free me.
For I am a figment of your imagination. A simple creation.
That's what they've always said.
It's been years now, years that you've been mislead. Years since my pain has spread.
I lay here dieing while you're outside admiring.
Admiring them because to you they can never do wrong. Because to you, your bond is strong.
I am nothing to you, because you never knew.
To you I never existed because their souls are twisted.
They never wanted us together so they blinded you with lies. Lies as thick as leather.
But you would never believe would never free me.
For I am a figment of your imagination. A simple creation.
That's what they've always said.
And now it's too late so don't bother crossing that gate.
Do not walk up this tower because you would find no flower.
I would soon be gone when it hits dawn.
Our love would never bloom because I am now trapped in this tomb.
And now our roles have been switched for you have been bewitched.
You won't look at me for you now know we could never be.
I can't see you as you cry for I would never say goodbye.
I can't hear you as you mourn. Mourn for a love that has never been born.
For you are a figment of my imagination. A simple creation. A temptation.
I was a child who had no heart, you were simply a work of art.
So now we can never part because we were never together from the start.
A loving glance.
A soft touch.
A whispered promise.
A midnight walk.
That's all you've ever wanted. That's all you've ever needed.
A hazed stare.
A heated grip.
A lowered voice.
A day-break slip.
That's all I ever thought of. That's all I ever gave you.
A betrayed look.
A hesitated reach.
A heart-wrenching scream.
A rainy day leave.
You say I never loved you. You say I never cared.
Cozy nights.
Sleep-in mornings.
Teasing banter
In rosy bed sheets.
That's all you ever wanted. That's all he ever gave you.
Sleepless nights
Drowsy mornings
Crazy fights
In ash gray allies.
You say that he loves you more. More than I ever could.
Blood shot eyes.
Crimson fists.
Broken mirrors.
A never ending list.
You say that he loves you more. More than I ever did.
A mindless run.
An empty chest.
An abandon bridge
That reminds me of us.
That's all I ever thought of. That's all I ever craved.
A giant leap forward.
A strangled breathless gasp.
Burning sensation
That fades to black.
You say that I never loved you but you never did see.
A head line story.
A disapproved shake.
An empty funeral.
That you never did attend.
You never did see that you brought out the best in me.
Pain, Sorrow, Torture... Death. All of which I know best. One could claim that they know how it feels to be wrapped in darkness. To be kissed by it's bitter truth. But are their words honorable as they say... or are they just meaningless sounds?
...
Pain is not a reaction one feels when injured. It is the reminder that your are still alive and suffering. It is the memory one can never forget no matter how much they try.
But why would they?
Why would they try to forget pain, the pain that is the reminder, the pain that is the memory?
Without pain how can you truly heal, when there was nothing broken to begin with?
...
Sorrow is not loss or depression one feels when broken. It is truth... it is understanding that you should let go. When you loss something... someone you do not grieve for them. You do not grieve for you're lost. No, you grieve because you knew from the start that it was meant to be... like this. You grieve because you know the bitter truth, yet still wish to deny it.
But what's the point?
Why bother?
You can't just simply close your eyes and cover your ears till it all goes away. It's not how it works and it'll never be. Without sorrow you are naive, you are defenseless, you are nothing but a shell.
...
Torture is not simply a punishment for your undoing, it is much more. It is support. The only support you would ever need to carry on. To become stronger.
That's the sole reason, isn't it?
To be able to move on, to be able to stop the torture?
How do we ever rise from our ashes if we weren't ever given a reason to?
It hurts... that no one can deny, but we need it. We crave it. If we didn't, no one would be taking chances when the options are given. No one... will ever take risks that form and change who we are.
...
Death... is not simple the ending of someone, of something you cherished but took advantage of. It can also be your wakening... and sometimes even the birth of something far much greater. Because after all for something to be born... another must die. In death lays pain, sorrow and torture. We know this... we truly do but we hid it. We bury and transform them to be something we fear... and sometimes something we crave. But in all honesty in death there's memories, reminders, truth, understandings, and support.
We are given memories that pain us but we oh so greatly hold dearly. Reminders that break us but form, change us.
We are given truth when we deny and understandings when we fear.
We are given support and reason when we fall... when we truly lose ourselves.
We are given all that we need to just simply strive, strive to end what we have just gained... but that's all we'll need and all we'll ever need to truly rise and conquer
our fears
our insecurities
our denial
and
our endings
because after all we are humans.
We turn our heads when we see what we do not want to and change what we think we must change. We are the ones who bring ourselves into this never-ending cycle. We hurt, we grieve, we cry, we torment and we die... but lately that's what we aim for. We aim to be destroyed so we can relive... only to want to end it all again.
Because humans are just simply... dead yet still breathing.
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