"No, absolutely not!" My mother said firmly.

"But mom, I want to spend time with him, I don't know how much longer he'll be around here particularly if he moves to California…"

"He's not your boyfriend Vivian, stop acting like he is."

I bristled, that was hitting a little too close to home right now and particularly since she didn't know the whole truth, not that I intended on telling her.

"Frankly, I don't know what we are!" I shot back, "were closer than friends that's for sure, he's the type of person I would give an arm or a kidney…"

A beat passed before my mother continued speaking again her voice slightly softer.

"Whatever the case may be, I'm not letting my single daughter go on a cross-country road trip with a boy--alone."

"Nathan isn't just some boy!" I snapped, "you've known him nearly as long as I have and you know he wouldn't try anything, he has too much respect for me."

"Whatever the case," my mother continued, "he's still a guy with hormones."

I sighed, feeling defeated, nothing, absolutely nothing, was going to change her mind on this, but at the moment I didn't really care. I wouldn't say Nathan would ever make a move on me that that was something so remote I couldn't even wrap my mind around it, and considering his struggle with his sexuality I figured anything remotely suggestive was the last thing on his mind.

Try telling that to my mom though… No go.

I sighed again, feeling irritated.

"Fine… Whatever." I muttered, as I turned to walk out of the kitchen, "there's no point in convincing you anyway… You don't want to hear what I have to say."

 

It was later that evening before I got a hold of Nathan. He was currently at his brother's house and it was later so we would have time to talk.

"No go on the road trip." I muttered, "mom won't have it, she thinks you'll get ideas."

To my surprise Nathan chuckled.

"Does she know me at all?" He asked, "what does she think I'm going to do to you?"

"Well…um…" I stammered.

Nathan chuckled again.

"Don't worry, V, I get the idea."

"Not that I wouldn't be opposed to it…" I quipped.

Another amused chuckle met my ears.

"Yeah, it be… Interesting."

"So what do you want to do now? I was really looking forward to this, unless you can convince my mom we won't get into anything…"

Nathan was still laughing and I could tell by the way he was talking he was probably shaking his head with bemusement. "Why does she think I would do anything like that, she knows me."

"You're a guy." I stated bluntly, not caring at the moment how stereotypical the statement sounded, "she doesn't trust any guy if hormones are involved."

Nathan sighed.

"Well maybe I can talk to her, convince her my intentions are honorable." He still sounded way too amused, but I found myself grinning into the phone in spite of myself.

"Hey it's your funeral." I said lightly.

 

Nathan was well spoken, it was one of those qualities I had always admired about him. He could've talked anyone out of anything… That's how reasonable he was. The conversation between Nathan and my mother was short and to the point he assured her the trip would be no longer than two months and if we were ever in the same room there would be a barrier between us because one of the things we planned on doing was going camping.

"I have a two-person tent with a divider, Vivian will sleep on one side and I will sleep on the other, simple as that. We will have separate hotel rooms where ever we are, I assure you."

 

My mother still looked skeptical but she seemed a bit more open-minded than she had when I had talked to her initially.

Finally, after hearing every possible argument (from both of us) she finally relented but she was still giving me a wary look, as if she suspected I had an ulterior motive. At the moment I didn't even know where Nathan and I stood so it was hard to tell if physical attraction even played into anything at all (at least not mutually) since anything remotely sexual was still a touchy subject for both of us.

"Thank you mom!" I exclaimed hugging her tightly before reaching out to give Nathan a squeeze.

Nathan rubbed his hands together.

"Well, I guess it's time we start packing."

 

We were set to leave at the end of June and we would be back the first or second week in August. The night before we were to catch our plane to North Carolina, which would be our first stop before heading to New Jersey and New York, Nathan and I had one last phone call.

"I promised at my graduation we would figure "us" out." Nathan said, "and I'll stick to that."

I sighed.

"I know, I guess I'm just curious."

"About what?" Nathan asked and I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"I don't know," I replied and then my tone lightened and I teased gently, "maybe I just want to know if you're a boxers or briefs type of guy."

Nathan chuckled.

"I could tell you right now…"

Then we both laughed and slid back into our normal banter when we were together the awkwardness for the moment forgotten.

 

Three weeks later I was lugging my suitcase down the stairs. I was leaving for the airport in a few hours and I was caught somewhere between being ridiculously excited and crazy nervous. My stomach had tied itself into knots and every time I thought of Nathan and his sparkling blue eyes and studying his body again my cheeks warmed. I knew we had our boundaries, but with each passing day, every month Nathan would come back to Tennessee, we were pushing those boundaries further and further. I couldn't wait to get out here and see what the world had to offer, while at the same time I would figure out what my best friend felt for me and vice versa. I had felt the sexual tension, and perhaps Nathan had to although he had chosen to ignore it both out of respect for our friendship and maybe because everything about his sexuality was so complicated… Or at least it felt that way.

I knew this trip would be about discovery, for both of us may be not just physically or emotionally but I instinctively knew we would not be the same people when we returned.

 

2: Chapter 2

Nathan and I arrived in Chastity Hills later that afternoon. When we exited the airport and were gathering our luggage Tyler was there to meet us. I watched as Nathan and Tyler greeted each other briefly before Tyler's attention turned to me.

"How you doing Vivian?" He asked in his dark eyes looked at me meaningfully, a look that made me smile.

I shrugged, "I'm okay, you?"

Tyler smirked then grinned. "Busy."

I laughed shortly before turning to look at Nathan and jerking a thumb in his direction. "Yeah, that's what he says all the time." Nathan and I looked at each other and laughed and soon Tyler was joining in.

After our laughter died down we all climbed didn't Tyler's car and headed for their apartment and I almost smiled when I walk through the now familiar door. The door, which I had run out of in the freezing cold following a nervous breakdown months before.

"Never thought I'd see this place again." I murmured absently.

"Hasn't changed much, just as exciting as ever." Nathan quipped, "your standard bachelor pad."

We looked at each other and smirked again and I could feel the current between us buzzing as it sometimes did when I was particularly aware of him.

As Nathan and I discarded our bags, Tyler inquired about our plans and what we were doing and in what order.

"We're spending the night here and flying up to New Jersey in the morning." Nathan explained, "this is kind of a pit stop."

"So I'm a hotel now?" Tyler asked and he grinned a second later which told me he was joking.

Nathan grinned in response and I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

"Funny," I muttered, "real funny. You guys are a laugh a minute."

Nathan's eyes sparkled in a way that made my stomach do a funny kind of flip-flop.

"Hey, that's what I'm here for." He said.

Tyler did a funny kind of formal bow, but he was still grinning, his brown eyes sparkling.

"Thank you very much, I'll be here all week… Or at least until you two abandon me again."

 

Our dinner a few hours later was more of the same and most the time I was laughing so hard I nearly choked on my food or forgot about it all together.

"You trying to kill me?" I asked.

"That wasn't our intention, no." Nathan answered in a mock seriousness that made me want to burst out laughing again. It was moments like this I could forget the complicated mess that was our friendship and just be, which at the moment was all I wanted. The issue of Nathan's sexuality had reduced itself to twinges and I was only reminded of it at intervals, but I was more comfortable with it than I had been five or six months ago.

"You sleeping on the couch again?" Tyler asked me over dessert, which consisted of big bowls of vanilla ice cream, his gaze swiveled to include Nathan, "or do you have sleeping arrangements I don't know about." He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"No." Nathan answered, "I'll be sleeping in my bed…" He gave his roommate a pointed look, "alone."

 

The next morning Nathan and I were off to the airport again, which constituted another flight from North Carolina to New Jersey. We arrived later that afternoon and after checking in to our rooms at the Borgata Nathan and I went to a small restaurant within the resort before we went walking around. We were down by the coast which was still being repaired from the hurricane that had hit it a year ago and for a long time we just watched the shore each remembering the pictures and videos we had seen after Hurricane Sandy had blown through.

We walked around until twilight before returning briefly to our hotel.

"What you want to do now?" Nathan asked, "since we ate lunch around 1 o'clock I'm not really hungry."

I shook my head.

"Me neither."

 

As the sun was going down areas of the city seemed to get busier and busier lights were coming up on the shops and the dancing lights of the area casinos twinkled like technocolored stars.

Nathan looked around.

"You when a check out the casinos?" He asked, but in the dim light his eyes twinkled in a way that suggested he was only joking.

I shrugged.

"Nah, I'm not much into randomly losing my money, I need it anyway if we're going to be traveling so much."

Nathan gave a commiserating shrug.

"Yeah… Me neither."

So we continued walking, our arms continuing to brush gently as we wandered along in the rapidly diminishing light of day.

 

We were just passing another casino when I saw it, the small tattoo parlor this the glittering sign that said:

"TATTOOS: WALK-INS WELCOME"

I grabbed Nathan's hand,

"Come on, let's go!"

Nathan pulled back slightly.

"In there? Vivian are you sure?"

"Yes," I tell get his hand again, "I've been wanting to do this since forever!" I gave him an exasperated look, "I never said you had to get one! Come on!"

Still looking wary, Nathan followed be in the direction of the tattoo parlor.

The shop with small, bright, and clean. Every inch of the walls was covered in artwork, this made me smile.

"May I help you?" A young man with black hair and a short ponytail and a tiger tattoo asked. He was wearing a black tank top and loosefitting jeans, but on second inspection he looked like he was no older than Nathan and I instead of the twenty or twenty-one-year-old he appeared to be he was probably closer to thirty but I couldn't be sure.

"Wanted to see about getting a tattoo." I said.

The young man folded his arms on the countertop.

"What did you have in mind?"

"A butterfly," I answered, "on the back of my shoulder. I was thinking of getting something else but maybe later."

The young man turned to Nathan,

"You want anything?" He asked, but Nathan shook his head his face wrinkling in disgust.

"No thank you."

"Well alright then, let me see what I can do for you."

 

While the guy, his name we had learned was Craig, prepped me to be inked Nathan and I continued talking.

"I thought you were going to make us get matching tattoos or something." He grinned, "we're not exactly a couple you know."

"You know I could get something really corny like "Nathan and Vivian forever" I said with a grin.

Nathan laughed and so did Craig.

"What! No way!" Nathan exclaimed, "that's WAY too corny!"

We continued laughing, only pausing long enough so Craig could explain what he was doing.

"I was thinking of getting our initials or something," I murmured, "just "N" and "V".

"I can work that into the design if you like." Craig commented.

"Yeah," I murmured, "that would be nice."

I sat through the job and the stutter of the needle, I was okay with needles as long as I didn't need to look. Finally the buzzing of the needle had stopped and my shoulder only throbbed slightly and I was aware of a faint burning sensation, but then again I had a pretty high pain tolerance.

Craig was smiling,

"Well you took that like a champ, you sure this is your first tattoo?"

I grinned, "Positive. My mom's probably going kill me, but right now I really don't care I just want to be a normal twenty-six-year-old."

Craig held up a small mirror so I could see the back of my shoulder. The butterfly was blue, green and purple with a "N" and "V" in dark blue on the butterfly's wings.

"I love it!" I said studying the intricate detail for a few more minutes.

After paying for my tattoo Nathan and I walked out of the shop. We walked back uptown and pass the casinos before we caught dinner at a small Italian restaurant. Over dinner we talked about normal things and what we were doing the following day, we were spending the night in New Jersey before renting a car and driving up to New York and after a day or two in New York we would fly down to Miami for a few days… Something that screamed beach, sun, and bikinis.

 

I was tired after being on my feet most of the day so I was relieved when we returned to our hotel and went up to our rooms away from the noise and chatter of the bar and casino. Nathan and I got ready for bed without comment, Nathan only opening the door between our rooms to say good night. He was dressed in his boxers now, his blue eyes bright and clear and I assumed he had taken out his contacts for the night.

"You okay?" Nathan asked with at the red of concern I was so used to.

"Yeah… I might just need help with the compress and lotion on my tattoo if you don't mind." I murmured softly.

Nathan shook his head.

"Not at all."

 

A few minutes later we were seated on my bed after I came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me so the only thing you could see were my shoulders--it was as modest as I could make it.

"Does that hurt?" Nathan asked as he held on the compress for a few seconds at a time.

"Not so much now." I murmured, "it should be better by the end of the week though." Nathan's hands felt good on my skin, they were warm and gentle and suddenly my ears buzzed, my heart pounded and I was getting tingles in a few "private" places. I closed my eyes, leaning into his touch.

Finally he pulled away, walking into the bathroom to wash his hands of the remaining lotion.

"Night." He murmured before he headed for his room.

"Night." I murmured back as the door shut behind him.

Once he was gone I removed the towel and pulled a soft T-shirt on over my head. I was content and was still smiling when I turned out the light.

 

3: Chapter 3

After breakfast the following morning we headed for New York, which was only forty-five minutes to an hour from where we were depending on where we were going. We checked into our hotel and began our journey in Manhattan, where we caught lunch and plan the rest of our day.

"So where do you want to go?" Nathan asked.

"Anywhere, everywhere." I answered, "I want to go to the Empire State Building, the World Trade Center, and the memorial for Ground Zero. I would also like to go see a Broadway play, that's something I've been wanting to do since I was a kid."

Nathan chuckled.

"Well alright then, I'll see what I can do."

 

Our first stop was the Empire State Building. I had only seen the landmark in movies and it was incredible to see the real thing up close right in the hustle and bustle of the city. After we had paid our fees and taken the elevator to the top. We were standing out on the observation deck with hundreds of other people and standing where we were, we could just talk comfortably.

"Where do you want to go while we're in New York?" I asked Nathan.

"Times Square for sure." Nathan answered immediately, "I'd also like to go walk around Central Park… Maybe take a few photos."

"That's awesome." I replied, I'd like to see those places too, and I have to see Times Square at night… Another thing I've only seen on Google."

Nathan chuckled again his eyes looking down at me sparkling.

"Well, that's what traveling is all about isn't it?" He asked rhetorically, "seeing places."

 

"You'll get the tickets for the play won't you?" I asked as we headed uptown toward Central Park.

"Yeah, of course." Nathan answered, "what did you want to see?"

"The Lion King." I answered, "I hear the play is incredible."

Nathan smiled.

"Okay, Lion King it is."

 

We walked around Central Park for what felt like hours Nathan occasionally pausing to take a picture or two. We took a ride on a horse drawn carriage and went to Rockefeller Center where they shot the Today show, again, something I had only seen on TV. Then we took a taxi over to Broadway where Nathan purchased the tickets for The Lion King the following evening, and I wondered how we were going to fill another twenty-four hours in the city.

 

Since we had been walking around most of the afternoon we opted to go back to the hotel and relax for a little bit, electing to stay in the lounge between our rooms instead of in our individual areas with a door between us. We both pulled out our laptops, opting for the moment to ignore each other instead of talking.

I watched for a few minutes his Nathan's fingers flew over the computer keys while I was in the process of updating my Facebook with new pictures from my phone from what we had seen over the past few days. I only posted a picture of my new tattoo on Instagram where I knew neither of my parents would see it. Then I had updated my own blog, which I kept periodically when I was traveling I looked up at Nathan, who was still typing away furiously.

"What are you doing?" I asked curiously.

"Updating my blog…" Nathan answered. "You know, on the sexuality stuff."

The year before Nathan had started blogging for this site which dealt with faith, spirituality and sexuality issues and how those two things coincided (or not). It had taken a great deal of courage for him to do such a thing and I admired him for that.

I paused in my own typing and leaned forward as we continued talking.

"What's your topic today?" I asked curiously, because I generally was curious even if the subject still made me vaguely uncomfortable.

"How important it is to have friends of both sexes, straight or not and how people who are straight need to be understanding of LGBT people situation, even after they come out."

I nodded, he talked about this before.

"Like sharing a room with a straight friend, for instance." I said quietly.

Nathan nodded, still not taking his eyes off his computer screen.

"Exactly." Nathan replied.

"Would that be a problem for you?" I asked quietly.

Nathan shrugged, and he didn't seem too bothered by the question.

"I don't know," he answered, depends on the person… Male or female, not that I would be sharing a room with a girl anyway."

We stared at each other for a beat not saying anything and I swear the room seemed to have gotten ten degrees warmer.

Nathan cleared his throat.

"So what are you blogging about?" He asked, changing the subject. " Obviously, not something like this." He gestured to his computer screen his voice hinting at a faint trace of humor will.

I shrugged in response.

"Just a quick blog on our trip, the day in New York, getting my tattoo in Atlantic City… Stuff like that."

Nathan nodded and it was moments like this I knew why I was so happy with him, he knew when to have a conversation and went to drop it and at the moment nothing else needed to be said.

 

The next day we spent our day going to see the World Trade Center and Ground Zero and we had taken more pictures of various sights including venues where a lot of my favorite artists had performed. I took a picture outside of Radio City Music Hall where my favorite band had performed a few years ago, the glistening marquee and glowing script still made me smile at the memory of that night.

The following evening, after our second day in New York Nathan and I headed for Broadway and the show we were going to see that night. Most plays, regardless of whether they were on Broadway or not prohibited the use of cameras or any type of recorder, it was general courtesy, not like the rock concerts I went to… It was more… Dignified. Outside the theater we joined the queue of people getting in line to get their tickets scanned.

Nathan and I talked quietly in the quickly filling auditorium before the lights went down and the gentle drums of an African chorus began to fill the theater. For the next two hours I could forget the uncertainties that were buzzing around in my mind and just focus on the story and I could disappear again until the lights came back up.

 

Hours later Nathan and I are walking out of the theater.

"That was incredible!" I gushed, "the show opened in 1997 or 1998 and to my knowledge none of that same technique has been used anywhere else!"

"Careful there." Nathan said quickly as he caught my elbow as I accidentally stepped off a curb. For a moment we were brought close together, I could feel the heat from his body and that did funny things to my brain, for the first time in two days I felt the unmistakable pull of attraction, in the moment wanting more than just a casual brush of shoulders.

 Before hailing a cab Nathan took a picture of us with his phone in the lit up spectacle that was Times Square, with the glittering advertisements and the illuminated posters for the various productions that were on at the moment. He pulled me against him and I felt the rush of warmth again, the barest hint of a stubble brushing against my cheek when he pulled away. He needed to shave. Then I was left wondering why I had noticed that at all.

"This going up on Facebook?" I asked over the buzz of the city, as I watched Nathan tap away at his phone.

"Yep!" Nathan answered.

I knew people, both my friends and his would see the picture, his arms wrapped around me as we both grinned into the camera. I just hoped no one would be smart enough to read between the lines.

 

I watched as Nathan hailed a cab for us and we made our way back to the hotel. As it had been on our night in Atlantic City we went to bed without saying much while I was still turning over thoughts in my mind which chased each other, ever repeating, like an endless merry-go-round.

My mind wandered to our next stop, Miami, and the resort we were staying at. This naturally led to the bikini I had stowed away at the bottom of my suitcase. Nathan knew me too well I couldn't just ever so casually turn his head particularly given the circumstances, but curiosity pricked at the corners of my mind begging me not to try. It would be worth it, if only just to see the look on his face, even if my intentions were a little less than honorable. However, even that, I was unsure of.

 

4: Chapter 4

New York was hot, but not as hot as Miami. Everything about the resort screamed tropical with sun and palm trees and as many bikinis as telephone poles.

Nathan and I checked into the resort and had just sat down our bags when I asked,

"You want to go for a swim? It's still pretty early."

Nathan gave a lopsided shrug. "Sure." He replied in a way that suggested he would do just about whatever.

 

We took our time changing, and me, to collect my scattered thoughts. I stared at myself naked in the mirror taking in every detail. I wasn't a supermodel, but I wasn't a slob either, there was no reason that guy shouldn't find me attractive. I was simply average. Turning, I studied the slope of my breasts that tapered down to the dark hair between my legs. Angling my body the other way I studied the edges of my new tattoo, the blue and green colors highlighting my skin perfectly. Slowly I pulled the bikini out of my bag, it was white, yellow and orange, not the sexiest thing ever but enough. I remembered when I had bought it, something one of my girlfriends had convinced me to buy.

 

"Come on, Vivian," my girlfriend Shirley pleaded, "you're going lots of warm places, it's the summer, every girl should have a good bikini."

"Shirley," I said, attempting to be reasonable, "you know I don't wear that kind of stuff," I lowered my voice and octaves so as not to be overheard in the busy store, "besides I don't even shave "down there"."

Shirley smirked.

"Exactly why you should start." She replied, not the type of answer I wanted to hear.

"Nathan isn't going to care, and it's not like he's going to see me in it anyway." I told her.

Shirley was still smirking.

"We'll see." She said with a mischievous smile I found annoying. I hated it when my friends thought they knew better than I did, particularly concerning my friendship with Nathan.

"For him" they said, "Nathan will like it" they said. (Yeah, a whole lot they knew). I had bought it anyway, if only to humor them, there was no point in explaining to them why it complicated things. I changed, wrapping a wrap securely around me. I was ready (or not) to face him, ready to face Nathan.

 

The pool deck was swarming with people and it made me feel vaguely self-conscious. There Nathan was, seated in a lounge chair waiting for me, he looked good, simple navy trunks tapered to his body and not for the first time I found myself holding my breath. Then Nathan looked up and smiled and my stomach did another flip.

"Hey, V, can we get in the pool now?" He grinned and his blue eyes twinkled in that way that made me totally speechless.

"Sure." I said easily, taking a breath as I slid the wrap for my body tossing it on the chair. I sounded a lot more confident than I felt.

I heard his intake of breath and could feel his eyes probing and curious, tentative, but still curious. They were like a brand across my skin I didn't know what to make of them quite yet, he never looked at me like this, and if he did it was hard to pin down why.

"Wow, you look nice." Was all Nathan said.

As soon as I heard that my mind started screaming, "Come on Nate, you got a PhD you can come up with some other word besides "nice" if you call your best friend "sexy" it isn't going to kill you!"

When I turned around Nathan was smirking, a look I saw so briefly on his face it was hard to define for what it was.

"Very nice." He murmured under his breath as we headed towards the edge of the pool. Yeah, and then he would pretend he hadn't said it at all.

"You weren't staring at my butt were you?" I asked playfully.

Nathan's mouth opened and then closed again, but nothing came out.

"Way to put me on the spot." He paused for a moment, "maybe," he said slowly, "a little."

Now is my turn to smirk.

"I don't care," I tossed back at him, "you're still a guy, you'll look." Then I took off for the opposite side of the pool.

"Hey!" Nathan yelled after me, "that's sexist!"

Less than five minutes later he had caught up with me, grabbing my waist and pulling me against him. Then I was super hyper aware of him, I could feel every plane and curve of his body, pressing into mine, our bodies intimately close, closer than they had been in a long time. I felt freezing cold but I also felt hot all over, like I would jump out of my skin if I couldn't take it anymore.

Nathan turned me around to face him and I casually looped my arms around his neck.

"You take that back." He said softly, he sounded serious but there was a faint hint of amusement in his voice.

"Take what back?" I asked innocently, "that you may find me attractive?"

Nathan shook his head.

"Don't put words in my mouth."

"I've known you for over twelve years," I murmured, I know when you're uncomfortable… I know when you're interested, and when you're trying to hide something you don't want me to see."

"Like what?" Nathan asked, he looked generally curious now.

"When I catch you looking at me and then you look away acting like you didn't do anything."

"Maybe I don't want you to know." Nathan murmured, "maybe I don't want anything else to ruin our friendship."

"I think were way past that," I continued quietly, "regardless of how I feel… It's the way we act around each other and that's not going to change."

Nathan was silent, clearly he was considering something.

"You're so much more open now, much more honest." I continued, "sexuality isn't an easy thing to talk about, even I know that, I feel like we've crossed the threshold, into more "adult" topics and when I think about that--concerning you--it makes me uncomfortable."

"The sexual orientation stuff?" Nathan asked, he frowned but he also looked concerned.

"No…" I said slowly, "just sexuality in general, because you do touch on that even though it's not your main topic in your posts… It could be different for you," I shrugged, "I wouldn't know."

"Now it isn't," Nathan replied, "I'm still a virgin…" He shrugged, then he gave a lopsided grin, "but I think you know that."

"Maybe that's the problem," I said slowly, "there is some level of attraction and it makes things… difficult. I see you that way-sexually-and it drives me crazy! I want you to touch me, I'm curious. We have chemistry, you can't ignore that."

"Chemistry doesn't necessarily mean romantically." Nathan murmured.

"No," I murmured, "it doesn't."

We were staring at each other then, I barely noticed Nathan had pulled me closer and our bodies were pressed intimately together in a way I hadn't been with another guy outside my family ever. Nathan's hands slid down my back and I could feel the warmth and wetness of his fingers, it made my skin tingle.

"How about we continue this conversation… Inside." Nathan murmured softly, "I really don't want to have this conversation here."

I nodded, it was a reasonable request.

 

A short time later we are trudging in wet towels back to our rooms. We change, hanging our suits in our bathrooms before meeting on the couch in our common room.

"Now where were we?" Nathan asked.

"Chemistry?" I murmured quietly. "We can't control it, it's just there."

"So what do you want to do?" Nathan asked in a low voice.

I shrugged.

"Besides dating?" I asked wryly.

"You just don't want dating, you want the sex too." Nathan murmured, as usual he had hit the nail on the head.

Slowly I nodded.

"You know that isn't possible right now." Nathan murmured, "it goes against our values."

"I know." I whispered.

"With me? You want to sleep with me? " He questioned, and his expression was surprisingly open and slightly curious.

"With you." I whispered back. I could already feel a blush radiating from my cheeks.

"Why me?" Nathan murmured, "what about that singer you like?"

I snorted.

"Yeah right, like that would ever happen!" For a moment the mood was lightened, the seriousness of our topic dissipating a little bit.

"I trust you." I said finally. "I want you because I trust you and you know me."

"Any guy you marry or date would know you just as well." Nathan argued reasonably, but I shook my head,

"Not the way you do." I insisted.

"You want me to kiss you." Nathan stated in that matter-of-fact way of his.

I nodded, a blush still staining my cheeks.

"You want me to touch you."

I nodded again.

"Where?" His eyes sparked and there was something mischievous and dangerous and them but it was so fleeting I was sure I had imagined it.

"My butt… My boobs…" I muttered, still not looking at him.

Nathan chuckled lightly.

"Seems to me we had this conversation before…" He murmured.

"We never finished it." I said shortly.

"Maybe now is not the right time to finish it." Nathan countered.

"Nathan Clarence," I exclaimed, " you're driving me crazy, and frankly I'm going to die if curiosity if you don't do something, preferably within the next five minutes."

Nathan grinned.

"Like what?" He inched closer, that mischievous smile still in his eyes and on his lips.

Then he kissed me.

It was more than any other kiss he had given me, his lips were probing and searching and his hands were just as busy, slipping around me and moving up and down my back. I was pressed against the couch in our bodies were tangled in some intimate way I couldn't even hope to describe later. His thumbs skimmed along my breasts lightly, but that was it. When he pulled away his face was buried my shoulder, our arms still wrapped around each other and all I could hear was Nathan's uneven breathing as he continued to hold me close, dissolved into a sigh that tickled my ear.

5: Chapter 5

So Nathan and I settled back into our same old routine. It seemed we alternated between being very intense (sexually or otherwise) and friendly, but comfortable which was pretty much what our friendship boiled down to.

Nathan did what he normally did after things got really intense, he dropped it, so the trip between Miami and back to Tennessee was made without any lengthy conversation.

We arrived late and when we finally arrived in our old neighborhood I wasn't ready to go home, I had more than one reason (other than my recently acquired tattoo) that I wasn't ready to face my parents yet.

"Hey Nathan, you want to go see Tilly I think the last time I saw her was almost a month ago."

"Sure." Nathan replied, "I like Tilly, she's nice." He gave that shrug and his hands were back in his pockets again.

Those summers before Nathan had moved to North Carolina we always rode our bikes over to Tilly's, but today it was via Nathan's rental car and I couldn't help but be reminded of a time almost a year previous that I had come to Tilly after returning home when Nathan had first come out to me and how upset I had been.

Soon we were pulling into Tilly's driveway, the beat up old pickup was still there which told me she was home.

Nathan knocked twice before the door opened a few minutes later.

"Nathan, Vivian, what a pleasant surprise. Come on in."

 

A few minutes later we are all seated in Tilly's living room drinking her world-famous lemonade (or at least that's how I like to think of it).

She smiled at us.

"Good to see you two together again." She skewered Nathan with a look that would've made any other guy cringe but he only stared back at her calmly, "Nathan Clarence, you haven't been given this girl the runaround have you?"

Nathan chuckled, looking faintly embarrassed.

"I try not to Miss Tilly… Just been busy that's all."

"Well you're not now!" Miss Tilly said sharply, "so stop leaving this girl hanging-Dr. Clarence."

Nathan smirked at the mention of his professional title, which I had a feeling would only be used if he got the teaching position he wanted in the fall.

"I won't." Nathan said smiling, "I think we'll be spending so much time together this summer  we'll be sick of each other. We're on a road trip right now actually."

"Are you now." Miss Tilly her eyes sparked with interest.

Briefly, between the two of us, we summarized our trip so far, North Carolina, New Jersey, New York and the resort in Florida, although we didn't go into detail about our activities. I decided it was not a good idea to show her my tattoo, she would probably react how I expected my mom to react; as pissed as a hornet and all that.

"Nathan, how you doing boy?" Miss Tilly asked, the subject of our escapades on our travels for the moment forgotten.

Nathan gave her a significant look raising his eyebrows.

"Okay, I guess." He said carefully, "it's a day-to-day thing you know, but it's easier now that I'm out… It gets easier each time I talk about it, each person I tell."

I frowned, the realization of what he was saying hitting me full force.

"Wait a minute, you knew about Nathan's sexual orientation before…"

Miss Tilly nodded.

"Who do you think he came to when he was all confused, granted he didn't come out and say it but I had my suspicions."

"I didn't tell her, I actually told her shortly after I told you, right after I told my parents and brothers."

"I pray for you." Miss Tilly said with a small smile, "pray every day that the devil stays off your heels."

Nathan grinned.

"Yeah me too, the church helps with that."

Nathan drained the rest of his lemonade and stood up.

"Well we better get going Miss Tilly," Nathan gave his watch the typical cursory glance he often did when he gave the impression of being in a hurry, "I got to drop Vivian off at her parents' house and then I have to go home and see mine."

Miss Tilly smiled.

"You get along then," she made a motion of shooing us out the door, "don't let me stop you."

 

Our next stop was my parents house, we would stay for dinner and then Nathan would go home and see his family and we would be leaving for his brother's house in the net day.

As soon as the car pulled in the driveway my mom was standing on the porch and coming down to meet us as Nathan stepped out of the car.

"How are you Nathan?" She greeted.

Nathan nodded. "I'm good." He answered mildly.

My mother's attention turned to me.

"How was your trip?" She asked.

"Good, so far. We're leaving for Nashville tomorrow, staying with Mark and then were heading up to Wisconsin for a day or so before heading out West."

My mother nodded slowly, although she was looking wary again as if I were doing too much too soon.

She hugged me briefly and I winced slightly as her hands pressed against my shoulder where my tattoo was. That would be another story for another time.

I greeted my dad once we got inside and watch with a smile as he and Nathan shook hands, Nathan was always so polite. Then we sat down to dinner a short while later talking about what we had done when we traveled; again not going into detail about our "personal" activities, it wasn't that we wanted to keep things from either of our parents it was just we were adults and we wanted to keep things private.

Following dinner, Nathan excused himself and I followed him out the door as we prepared to say goodbye, I would be seeing him tomorrow after all.

"I better go." Nathan murmured, reaching over he gave me a squeeze. "You'll see me tomorrow you know."

"I know." I whispered, looking up at him.

He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"See you tomorrow." He murmured.

"See you tomorrow." I echoed softly, "Good night." I watched as he walked off the porch.

Nathan turned around just as he reached his car which had become a shadow in the darkness.

"Good night." He replied his eyes twinkling softly in the porch light.

 

The next afternoon, Nathan and I left for Nashville. Usually when I told people that didn't know me I lived in Tennessee they assumed I either lived in the middle of nowhere or smack dab in the middle of the Nashville music scene-neither of which was true. My family and I lived a little outside of Nashville, Nathan's brother Mark lived in Nashville where he worked at a financial firm.

Nathan and I hung out around town until Nathan was sure Mark was home and then we headed that way since we were staying for dinner and spending the night.

I always enjoyed the company of Nathan's brothers, they were just as funny as he was and usually between the three of them I could never keep a straight face and that was just the way I liked it.

We spent most of the evening watching movies, although I knew Nathan and Mark would stay up till four (two, if I was lucky) in the morning talking as they often did when they had time to themselves because they were that close.

I fell asleep sometime during the second or third movie only waking up briefly so Mark could make up the couch and I could brush my teeth and get dressed. When I returned to the couch Nathan was waiting for me a stack of blankets in his arms.

"I have blankets you want them." He said setting them down on the couch.

I smiled at him.

"Thanks."

Nathan stretched.

"I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet, Mark and I are probably in a talk for a little bit before I turn in." His eyes smiled in the dark.

"What time do you want to leave tomorrow, if we're heading up to Wisconsin?" I asked quietly.

"Later." Nathan answered, "after breakfast."

I nodded and watched as he disappeared down the hallway in the direction of the bedrooms.

 

The house was small, so you could pretty much hear easily from wall-to-wall. So with the doors open thanks to the muggy summer weather I could hear practically everything Nathan and Mark were saying in the other room.

"Where you going with her Nate?" Mark asked, "you can't keep stringing her along."

"I'm not--I don't know." Nathan sighed.

"I want to keep our friendship, but there's more… Something else there Vivian feels it and she wants me to feel it too but--"

"You're scared?" Mark asked.

"Maybe a little." Nathan said quietly, so quietly I had to strain to hear him. "And I thought being attracted to guys was scary." He chuckled ruefully. "It's like we're on this never ending cycle, things get really intense for a while and then we both back off…"

"It's not like you can sleep with her," Mark murmured, "not that I'm suggesting you do that." I could almost hear the grin in his voice.

I could hear Nathan's laughter drifting back to me, a sound I could listen to forever.

"All this back and forth is going to drive me crazy, and it's not necessarily what I'm feeling maybe it's a little pressure from her, I don't know… I just want to make her happy, figure this out, but I don't want to lose her."

"Then tell her that." Mark reasoned, "Just because you're a different sexual orientation than the rest of us doesn't mean you're exempt from everybody else's drama."

Nathan chuckled again.

"I never said I didn't like girls, far from it, I just don't know what to do about the one I'm closest to, we've been friends since we were seven man…"

Nathan and Mark talked for a long time, I listened to them until I fell asleep sometime a little after midnight and it was a small comfort knowing Nathan was just as conflicted as I was about losing our friendship if we ever decided to move forward.

 

6: Chapter 6

The drive from Nashville was relatively quiet. We drove northeast and were headed towards Illinois when we decided we were going to stop in St. Louis for the day, it would set us back a day or so, but right now it didn't matter.

We walked around the zoo talking quietly, Nathan taking pictures as he had been doing most of the trip.

"Take pictures of any you know what and I will slap you silly." I said firmly (I mouthed a four letter word my mother would probably have a heart attack if she heard) Nathan only grinned, his blue eyes sparkling the barest hint of a smirk crossing his lips.

"Don't you dare!" I said shortly, "that's just gross. I can put up with you... but-ew!"

Once again Nathan walked away laughing and I followed after him shaking my head.

 

A highlight of our trip to the St. Louis it was getting ice cream from one of the pushcarts outside. We both got double scoops and sat down on the nearby benches to eat. I was about halfway through mine when I heard Nathan chuckle.

I looked up at him.

"What?" I demanded, "what's so funny?"

"You," he chuckled again, shaking his head, "you look like you enjoyed that… You have ice cream all over your face V."

"Well if you didn't hog all the napkins…" I retorted, "unless you want to help, lick me, kiss me I don't care!"

Nathan made a face.

"I'm not licking you." He said seriously.

Then we both cracked up again.

 

After a day walking around the zoo I was beat, I didn't really care where we crashed as long as there was a bed and I could sleep. Since we hadn't planned on stopping in St. Louis Nathan didn't have reservations at a hotel so we pulled up to one of the little places that was open to the outside. The only room they seem to have available was a single and they had no conjoining rooms. This put Nathan and I and our first awkward situation during our trip.

"So what do you want to do?" Nathan asked, he jammed his hands into his pockets and shifted around, bouncing from foot to foot, "I can sleep on the floor if you want."

"Yeah…" I murmured, "maybe that's best, for now."

 

A short time later we are both getting ready for bed. We take turns in the bathroom while Nathan's busy pulling the covers off the bed and taking the extra pillows. Just before turning out the light Nathan whispers to me:

"Hey… I'm here if you need me, down here, on the floor." He chuckles quietly.

"Yeah, I know." I reply lightly as I settled back down and the pillows not realizing until then how tired I truly was. It wasn't until sometime between 5:30 AM and 7 AM when I was awake and Nathan was still sound asleep, (as I knew he would be until at least eight or 8:30 AM) I realize the true vantage of my position.

For what seemed like forever I just watched him sleep, the way his face was relaxed and his hair was kind of messed up… Visible little tuffs here and there, it stuck up on one side like mine did when I was sleeping in a particular position for too long. That morning was one of the times I realized I really wanted to wake up to that every morning, and preferably not watching from the bed.

 

The rest of the trip up through Illinois and to Wisconsin was uneventful. We arrived at the condominium Nathan had rented for the next three days. I was helping pay traveling expenses, but I hadn't done the majority of the booking for the trip; and I only imagined how much money this was costing him, but like most details I put it out of my mind.

"This place looks incredible!" I murmured, then suddenly I laughed. "I sort of feel famous!"

Nathan shrugged to bed he looked amused.

"It's not the Ritz, but I hope you like it." He smiled as we walked inside.

 

It took us most of the afternoon to get organized in the condominium, after we had put our stuff away and staked out which rooms in which we would sleep. There were three beds, a standard bed, which seemed to way too big for one person, a rollaway, and a pull out. I took the bed and Nathan took the couch which was in the next room.

"I'm going shopping if you need anything." Nathan said after we had settled in.

"Yeah sure," I replied, "I'll text you the list."

I settled down with the TV remote after Nathan had left for the store. He was the only guy I knew, I reflected who would voluntarily go shopping, but he was single and things needed to be taken care of.

 

We had a number of activities planned for the next few days. We drove up to Wisconsin Dells and took a ride on the Ducks, Nathan continuing to snap away with his camera. My favorite activity other than just walking around with him was the horseback riding. I hadn't been horseback riding since I was a kid, but it was something Nathan had never done. Currently, as the guide prepared to take our group out Nathan and I were currently arguing about which was more comfortable, a desk chair or a saddle.

"A saddle is way better, at least you're moving." I argued.

"They have some pretty comfortable desk chairs now." Nathan defended.

I waved him off. "Regardless, you're still sitting on your butt all day… Doctor Clarence." I retorted, I tended to use his professional title as a bit of a joke and I like the way it sounded.

"I do not!" Nathan said shortly, "I get up, and it's not like you're much better."

I conceded, he had a point.

We were still bantering back and forth when we mounted our horses, and only stopped talking long enough so the guide could give us instructions. We took the horses down a narrow trail and after a while I stopped listening to the guide who was pointing things out as we went. I had enough experience I could take the horse up to a trot if I wanted to or had the space, but because Nathan was inexperienced so I kept to a walk, if only so I could talk to him.

 

We returned an hour and a half later and while I slid to the ground easily, sore, but not uncomfortable, I nearly peed myself laughing at Nathan who looked distinctly bandylegged.

"You look like you have a problem." I giggled, trying to decide if he looked badly constipated or like he was trying to manage an erection in tight jeans.

"My butt hurts!" Nathan muttered, he shook his head, "I'm just not used to this… I'll stick to the computers thanks."

He looked distinctly stiff and was so bad I had to drive the car back to the condominium, which at the moment I didn't mind.

 

"I don't think I'll be able to sit down for the rest of the week!" Nathan muttered.

"You want a massage?" I smirked, even though I was the one that one that the massage. "I wouldn't make you strip or anything, I promise."

We both laughed, but for a brief moment there was heat between us something that happened so quickly and so infrequently I often thought I imagined it.

Nathan lay down on the couch and I knelt behind him, my knees on either side of his hips. This is probably the closest we had ever been to each other, even when we were teenagers the closest we ever were was our hips touching when we were sitting on the couch together.

I had never given anybody a massage before so I was going purely on instinct, but I wasn't trying to be overtly sexual.

I started in "neutral territory" on his waist and worked my way down. Slowly and tentatively I began working his muscles through his jeans and judging by his body language, his reactions alternated between pleasure and pain, it was having a positive effect.

"That hurt?" I asked, "that good?"

"Yeah…" Nathan panted sounding slightly breathless, "I'm good."

As soon as he got up I took his place and grinned up at him.

"Now it's my turn."

 

7: Chapter 7

From the condominium in Wisconsin Nathan and I drove northwest. We were spending a few days up near Yellowstone within the park and the surrounding area to take in the sights and the local museums. It wasn't my favorite thing I was looking forward to, but it was a place I had never been so I figured I might as well take advantage of it.

Our time at Yellowstone was a lot of driving, walking, and biking. We biked where we could but walked most of the way and when they weren't walking around we were taking time out just talking.

We had opted not to camp here since I had completely vetoed the idea of being out in the backwoods, I wasn't a squeamish person by nature of the idea of having to go to the bathroom outside kind of grossed me out (burying my waste in a six foot hole and all that).

"I'm not a cat," I had grumbled to Nathan when he had explained what the backwoods camping procedures were, "might as well get me a big giant litter box!"

This only made him laugh, which made me even more annoyed, but the good thing was I couldn't stay mad at him for long.

Our camping trip had been postponed by a week until we got to the Grand Canyon and we both agreed that we would camp on the South Rim on our last night in the Canyon, that in itself would be fun.

For now we continued walking around Yellowstone taking in the things every tourist needed to see. Nathan looked every inch the tourist down to his T-shirt and khaki shorts and the camera around his neck. We were both wearing hats because of the harsh sunlight and had liberally been smearing each other with sunscreen since we had left Wisconsin.

"You look like such a tourist!" I teased, "such a nerdy tourist."

Nathan grinned and shrugged.

"Well I am a tourist…" His eyes sparkled in a way that drove me nothing short of crazy, "… And a nerd."

Then we both laughed as I watched him take another series of photos, this time of Old Faithful which was just preparing for its next round of eruption. He showed me the photos afterwards as the latest batch of tourists wandered away.

"Oh, those are going to look fantastic!" I gushed, "you putting them up on Facebook tonight?"

Nathan shrugged.

"Maybe, if I have time, if I'm not too tired."

I had forgotten how good of a photographer he was, it was a bit of a hobby something he had picked up the minute he had gotten his hands on a decent digital camera. I couldn't wait until tomorrow when we were going on the bike trails and another part of the park but that would be more driving and more walking, but as long as I was with Nathan I didn't care.

 

The next morning we are in another part of the park we had both rented bikes and were planning on going on the trails all the way and back. Of course, we had to be mindful of pedestrians and oncoming vehicles both incoming automobiles and the vehicles within the park itself, in the rules of the road bikes were low on the totem pole.

At the small bike rental stations while tourists flowed in and out like summer breezes Nathan gave the bikes a once over before we set off. He was riding in front of me and I followed after him dividing my attention between the oncoming traffic in the path in front of me.

My main distraction however, was watching Nathan in front of me. The way his muscles moved as he rode and the shifting of his hips as he worked the pedals up-and-down. At some point I wasn't even paying attention and almost got run over by an oncoming car. The driver, some dude in his mid-40s stuck his head out the window and made some obscene gesture with the profanity to go along with it, that I could ignore, although mentally it was like a slap in the face.

"Hey, what happened back there?" Nathan asked.

I shrugged.

"Nothing." I muttered as we continued to ride along. Nathan knew me well enough by now so he simply dropped it, the subject wasn't vital so it wasn't worth talking about.

Nathan smirked as he turned to look at me.

"Well something must've distracted you, although there's not much here that could."

I shrugged noncommittally.

By now, we had made our way to the end of the path and Nathan began turning around as we headed back in the direction of where we had rented our bikes heading for another pathway.

"Come on V, where's your head? You're usually not so…um…distracted."

Clearly Nathan was waiting for me to answer and it wasn't the type of answer I wanted to give him.

I slid off my bike before turning it around and for a few minutes we just stood there while Nathan waited for me to answer.

"Well, um, you see the thing I'm distracted by is…" I averted my eyes studying our shoes, I could already feel the blush creeping up my neck and face. "You." I finally got out, wondering how I was going to finish the rest of my explanation.

Nathan's eyebrows rose.

"Me?" He questioned he looked puzzled and then he smirked and I couldn't decide whether he was flirting with me or not. "Why am I distracting?"

I scrambled to get a hold of the conversation that was quickly running away from me.

"Well… You see… The way your body moves when you're riding…" My blush deepened and I knew the only way out of this was to say exactly what I thought even if I ended up embarrassing us both. "…Your butt doesn't look bad in your shorts either." I mumbled.

When I looked back Nathan had his eyebrows raised but he didn't look too uncomfortable, at least not at the moment.

"You like my butt, huh?" He murmured, he was smirking again but he seemed to be deciding whether this made him uncomfortable or not and whether or not he should tease me about it.

I gave him a lopsided smile before climbing back on my bike eager to dispel the awkwardness of the conversation.

"Come on, let's go." I said as I turned my bike towards the open road then Nathan took off and I watched him for a few minutes before I followed. Just as we got to the bend in the road after Nathan had waited for a couple of cars, he tossed over his shoulder.

"Hey Vivian, don't get too distracted I don't want you to get hit by a car."

I knew he was joking the minute I saw his face and his dancing blue eyes.

"You're going to pay for that Nathan Clarence!" I yelled after him.

His eyes were still teasing me by the time I caught up to him.

"I'm going to get you for that." I repeated.

"And do what?" Nathan replied.

"I don't know," I said shortly, "but you owe me!"

 

It was moments like this that confused the heck out of me, the fact that we were flirting like crazy and the tension was still there regardless of what Nathan ever said, regardless of what I ever did, it was like an invisible line neither of us could cross.

8: Chapter 8

Our next stop was Arizona where we were headed for the Grand Canyon. It was one of the highlights of our trip, Nathan had booked things months in advance to get the appropriate permits and so forth so I was looking forward to the next few days mostly because after being to all the cities we had been to, I was looking forward to the peace and solitude.

 

Our first day we were staying in a lodge in two rooms just off a small balcony and our third night was going to be spent camping outside in a tent Nathan had brought with him, that in itself was going to be… Interesting. Most of our day was spent getting acclimated to our new location, which involved unpacking (again) and catching our breath before venturing out to take part in the activities we had planned.

Our first activity was an extensive hike through the canyon, I had bought clothes and equipment just for the occasion since up to that point I had yet to purchase a pair of hiking boots and any other essentials I would need. Nathan had borrowed a good pair of shoes which I knew he had own since before he was in college, they had steel toes in them and were sturdy, which, when climbing on rocks was something you needed.

We took the hike slowly, going partway before stopping to rest on a flat outcropping and taken the view. Nathan was once again taking pictures which I knew given the light and scenery were going to be spectacular!

"I think I just found my new cover photo for Facebook," I said, studying a picture he had taken of the far side of the canyon with the sun reflecting off it, "that's beautiful, Nathan."

Nathan's eyes sparkled in that way that made my stomach do flips.

"Thanks V, I'll make sure to send you a copy." He smiled and another long moment of silence stretched between us before either of us spoke again, it was weighted, almost romantic.

 

We reached the summit shortly as the sun was setting, but I knew we would have to be back to the lodge before the sun set and it took us a few minutes to decide on a route back which was the shortest way.

We talked little on the way back and it was twilight by the time the lodge was in sight. By this time I was leaning on Nathan's shoulder as we made our way inside and Nathan let out a long breath as we made our way down the hallway to our rooms.

A short time later we were dressed in comfortable clean clothes after we had both taken a shower and we convened in the small living area in my room before turning in for the night since it was just barely past 8 PM.

"Sore?" I asked with a chuckle as Nathan wobbled slightly as he sat down.

"Yeah," he replied, "a little. What about you?"

I nodded.

"My shoulders and back at killing me," I answered, " but that doesn't say anything for my feet, I think my blisters have blisters!"

Now it was Nathan's turn to chuckle.

"You want me to give you a massage?" He raised his eyebrows and there was the barest hint of a suggestion but thinking into it too much could get me in trouble.

"Thanks," I replied, "but not tonight," I said honestly, "I don't think my feet will allow it."

Nathan's eyes met mine, and for brief moment we had one of those "best friend telepathy" moments where we didn't have to say anything to understand what was on the others mind. We were both thinking about what we were both avoiding trying to figure out my feelings, how the question of Nathan's sexual identity fit into that, and how our friendship could still survive.

 

The next day, our second day at the Grand Canyon we caught breakfast at the lodge where we were staying before going for a brief morning hike, but not as extensive as the one we had taken the day before.

Afterwards we had lunch while we prepared for our afternoon on the river. We had opted for the one day boat ride down the river as opposed to the multiple day boat trips, I wasn't that crazy about spending that much time on the boat and I actually wanted to have legs by the time we returned.

We arrived shortly before lunch to check in to the rafting headquarters, where Nathan and I bought a sack lunch at the River End Café nearby and spent time listening to a debriefing about the procedures on the river-taking note of the safety elements nearby.

The boat was like a lot of the riverboats I had been on in Chicago and other such places, a big white boat with a constantly humming motor that made the small seats vibrate. A lot of the seating exposed or otherwise was like sitting on a small couch.

As soon as the boat pulled away from the dock I turned to Nathan.

"You bring the sunscreen?" I asked.

Grinning, Nathan pulled sunscreen out of his backpack.

"Better put on sunscreen or we will both look like lobsters of the time we get back." I noted succinctly and Nathan chuckled as he smeared the lotion around in his hands doing his own face, hands, arms and legs before turning his attention to me.

"I'll do what I did on me. You want me to do your neck too?"

I nodded.

"I burn and then I peel, and then I look horrible." I stated flatly.

"Now I don't want that." Nathan said matter-of-factly as he smeared sunscreen over my nose and cheekbones, his fingers light and careful. "That should do for now, if you need any more let me know." He smiled, his blue eyes twinkling in the bright sunlight, I could never get enough of that smile.

 

Over the next two hours we listened to the guide's commentary about the history of the canyon and the river. A slight breeze coming off the blue-green water ruffling the hair of the tourists, it was a perfect day. I closed my eyes feeling the sun and wind on my face I was smiling and I took in everything around me, worried I would forget it all. As we went along Nathan continued snap pictures with his camera including a few of me as I made faces at him that made him laugh.

At some point there were a couple of ladies in their early 60s that kept looking at us. They were leaning against the rail at the far end of the boat and smiling those smiles that said they had figured out our relationship without knowing our entire situation. I hated that, they didn't know the half of it, there was much more to it than what people saw on the surface and I was sick of the "why aren't you two dating yet?"

As the boat moved I leaned into Nathan with every lurch of the boat, which he didn't seem to mind my hand was steady on his knee which was warm under my fingers… That he didn't mind either occasionally catching my gaze in a fond smile. Those were the moments I enjoyed and the moments I wish could go on forever.

It was 3:30 PM by the time we returned to the dock, I was tired by then from all the fresh air and was eager to return to our rooms, sure I would take a nap afterwards and be dreaming of what I had just experienced, cruising along the waters as blue and lively as Nathan's eyes.

 

We spent that night in the lodge and afterwards drove to the other side of the canyon where we would camp the following night.

The camping had been Nathan's idea, since he was the one that wanted to "see the world" I was just along for the ride. We camped near the South Rim sharing a double tent with a divider down the middle (well, that was self-explanatory). Nathan and I were used to being in each other's company but usually not in various states of undress, but we managed falling into an easy togetherness that we had always possessed.

All this as being as opened as we were it was a ways to the nearest bathroom facility, and Nathan being a guy definitely have it easier so he was fond of reminding me his blue eyes twinkling when he had disappeared into a nearby clump of bushes.

I rolled my eyes. Guys.

For the most part however, we kept to our respective side of the tent only moving from that space if one of us needed something. We didn't break that rule, until later that night.

I was restless. Nathan and I had been in a constant state of flux ever since his graduation months before. While everyone insisted we were dating we were still trying to redefine our boundaries, but even those were becoming blurred and undefined. I was caught between somewhere of wanting him close, but unsure of whether I should tell him to stay away… It only made me more confused.

It was sometime after 11 PM when Nathan poked his head around the divider in the tent, the zipper opening with a gentle noise.

"You okay?" He asked, and even in the dark I could tell he was wearing his trademark concerned little frown.

I rolled over and sat up.

"It's okay…" I mumbled, "I just can't sleep."

"You want me to read you a bedtime story?" He asked, his eyes teasing and obviously I knew he was joking.

"Very funny." I muttered giving him a sidelong glance for the first time taking in his full appearance.

He was shirtless, something I didn't see very often, even in the 12+ years I had known him. He was particularly modest and he wasn't the type of guy that would take off his shirt just for the heck of it, particularly if he knew he was in mixed company.

I shuffled around for a few minutes, trying to find a comfortable position but after a few minutes of being unable to do so I looked up at him. I held out my hand to him and once again my mouth seemed to be saying words that my brain had not yet filtered.

"Come here," I held out my arm to him, "I want to be close to you." Stay with me?" I asked, "…Until I fall asleep?"

Nathan looked surprised and then he looked concerned and then he looked surprised again. Sure." Nathan murmured. I heard the gentle whisper of his feet on the plastic floor of the tent as he moved forward the divider between our areas of the tent still gaping slightly.

He settled down beside me, touching my shoulder briefly.

"I want to feel your arms around me." I whispered, "you make me feel safe, you always have."

Nathan smiled faintly.

"Thanks."

Without speaking he moved around next me so he was lying down beside me and slowly he wrapped his arms around me drawing me against his chest so my back was to his front and I could feel his chest and every inch of him pressed against me.

"That better?" Nathan asked.

"Much." I mumbled, "thank you."

As we lay there in the dark I could feel his hands shifting around on my body. There was nothing sexual about the gesture he was just trying to convey comfort, he did the same thing when he hugged me that this felt much more intimate than that.

"Good night." I mumbled finally stifling a yawn.

"Night." Nathan replied and we fell into silence. I could feel his breath stirring my hair faintly with him being this close it felt comfortable and intoxicating all at the same time. I closed my eyes and focused on his breathing close to my ear, feeling his body, his presence so close I could have stayed like that forever.

I was half asleep when he finally said it, and I was sure I must have imagined it... I still wasn't sure.

"Sweet dreams." Nathan whispered, but in that way of his when he said something really sweet that he kind of said it under his breath, like he didn't want me to hear it. I smiled to myself in the darkness, readjusted my pillow and curled into Nathan's chest this time so we were facing each other. Still smiling, I slept.

 

9: Chapter 9

When I woke up the next morning Nathan was gone, and it soon became apparent he had moved back to his side of the tent and when he appeared, realizing I was up he only smiled, nodded, mumbled something about using the restroom, and disappeared out the tent flap.

From where we were in Arizona, we drove to Phoenix where we boarded a plane to California. We were headed for Mountain View, California, where Nathan had been numerous times and home of the Google headquarters.

We were driving down to Mountain View from San Francisco before Nathan and I had a remotely lengthy conversation, our silences becoming more increasingly awkward.

"I hope you realize last night didn't change anything," Nathan said quietly, "I know you like me, but I'm not going to sleep with you Vivian… I don't think that's something either of us wants to do."

"I never said I wanted to sleep with you." I said quietly.

"But you implied it," Nathan said seriously, "that's not something I want. I don't want people to get the wrong idea about us."

I nodded, I was caught between a rock and a hard place again, I didn't know what to say… I didn't have the words. He was right of course, in all seriousness despite what I was feeling I didn't want to make us out to be something we weren't.

As we approached Mountain View I looked around, I had never been in California before and had been intently studying the highway when I wasn't staring straight ahead as I answered Nathan's questions. Things continued to be tense between us and I took responsibility for that and that was going back to January or February of last year when my heart had gotten better ideas.

 

Mountain View was the place where my favorite artists played and I recognized the city from various concert tours here and there, but that was all I knew. We drove down the busy streets and on the right side of the street was the large industrial Google headquarters, inside which included a large state-of-the-art cafeteria and day care center… Among other things.

"I'd take you inside, except I think my ID card expired two years ago." Nathan chuckled.

I smiled.

"Another time then." I murmured.

"Perhaps." Nathan replied quietly.

 

After leaving Google we went out for lunch and fell back into our easy banter, talking about everything and nothing… Like we normally did, that was comfortable, that was safe. Eating our sandwiches from a small cafe we talked quietly topics going from funny too serious and back again.

"You said we would try." I said quietly, referring to a conversation we had had almost a year previous on a relationship.

"I said we would discuss it." Nathan said in that same quiet voice I had gotten used to in the past few years, a voice with an adult viewpoint… A viewpoint I didn't always want to see.

"Then let's discuss it." I said shortly, my voice coming out a little harsher than I had intended.

"I can't do this." Nathan said firmly, "I don't feel that way Vivian, about you. I care about you but not that way… I'm sorry if I lead you on."

I knew the response had been coming, I knew it had been coming for a while so I guess I wasn't that hurt. I tried not to live in my fantasy world where everything turned out just so where I had the perfect boyfriend and everything a girl want, making Nathan into something he wasn't, I just wanted our friendship back in that gentle way I knew Nathan cared about me, something I knew I couldn't live without.

My eyes dropped to my knees.

"It's okay," I murmured, picking at the wrapper my sandwich had come in, "it's not your fault." Which in reality, it wasn't.

By the end of the afternoon we had gotten back into the flow of our conversation and by the time we returned to our hotel were talking easily. We made plans the next day to drive up to Los Angeles and go sightseeing.

Our discussion later turned to the future and our future plans and what we wanted to happen. Nathan wanted to work at Google and teach college at his alma mater in Indiana. Both prospects I knew he was excited about, and maybe a little bit nervous. I was going to try to get my book published, the story I had written a year before and was still editing, a story about Nathan coming out (I had changed the names of course) a story called Damage Control.

 

 

10: Chapter 10

When I woke up the next morning Nathan was gone, and it soon became apparent he had moved back to his side of the tent and when he appeared, realizing I was up he only smiled, nodded, mumbled something about using the restroom, and disappeared out the tent flap.

From where we were in Arizona, we drove to Phoenix where we boarded a plane to California. We were headed for Mountain View, California, where Nathan had been numerous times and home of the Google headquarters.

We were driving down to Mountain View from San Francisco before Nathan and I had a remotely lengthy conversation, our silences becoming more increasingly awkward.

"I hope you realize last night didn't change anything," Nathan said quietly, "I know you like me, but I'm not going to sleep with you Vivian… I don't think that's something either of us wants to do."

"I never said I wanted to sleep with you." I said quietly.

"But you implied it," Nathan said seriously, "that's not something I want. I don't want people to get the wrong idea about us."

I nodded, I was caught between a rock and a hard place again, I didn't know what to say… I didn't have the words. He was right of course, in all seriousness despite what I was feeling I didn't want to make us out to be something we weren't.

As we approached Mountain View I looked around, I had never been in California before and had been intently studying the highway when I wasn't staring straight ahead as I answered Nathan's questions. Things continued to be tense between us and I took responsibility for that and that was going back to January or February of last year when my heart had gotten better ideas.

 

Mountain View was the place where my favorite artists played and I recognized the city from various concert tours here and there, but that was all I knew. We drove down the busy streets and on the right side of the street was the large industrial Google headquarters, inside which included a large state-of-the-art cafeteria and day care center… Among other things.

"I'd take you inside, except I think my ID card expired two years ago." Nathan chuckled.

I smiled.

"Another time then." I murmured.

"Perhaps." Nathan replied quietly.

 

After leaving Google we went out for lunch and fell back into our easy banter, talking about everything and nothing… Like we normally did, that was comfortable, that was safe. Eating our sandwiches from a small cafe we talked quietly topics going from funny too serious and back again.

"You said we would try." I said quietly, referring to a conversation we had had almost a year previous on a relationship.

"I said we would discuss it." Nathan said in that same quiet voice I had gotten used to in the past few years, a voice with an adult viewpoint… A viewpoint I didn't always want to see.

"Then let's discuss it." I said shortly, my voice coming out a little harsher than I had intended.

"I can't do this." Nathan said firmly, "I don't feel that way Vivian, about you. I care about you but not that way… I'm sorry if I lead you on."

I knew the response had been coming, I knew it had been coming for a while so I guess I wasn't that hurt. I tried not to live in my fantasy world where everything turned out just so where I had the perfect boyfriend and everything a girl want, making Nathan into something he wasn't, I just wanted our friendship back in that gentle way I knew Nathan cared about me, something I knew I couldn't live without.

My eyes dropped to my knees.

"It's okay," I murmured, picking at the wrapper my sandwich had come in, "it's not your fault." Which in reality, it wasn't.

By the end of the afternoon we had gotten back into the flow of our conversation and by the time we returned to our hotel were talking easily. We made plans the next day to drive up to Los Angeles and go sightseeing.

Our discussion later turned to the future and our future plans and what we wanted to happen. Nathan wanted to work at Google and teach college at his alma mater in Indiana. Both prospects I knew he was excited about, and maybe a little bit nervous. I was going to try to get my book published, the story I had written a year before and was still editing, a story about Nathan coming out (I had changed the names of course) a story called Damage Control.

 

 

11: Chapter 11

Seven months later-March 2015

Things seem to fall into place after that summer.  Nathan got the teaching job in Indiana he wanted, but why he wanted to give up the big salary at Google to teach at the private Christian college I would never know.  Nathan said he would go back to Google when it was convenient and he also said it was never about the money, and without having known him almost 15 years by then I believed him.

Things were looking up for me too, and it began with the email I got from one of the romance publishers I had sent the manuscript into. Granted nowadays everything was electronic including the books, but I still had someone reading it. Holding my breath I opened the email.

 

Dear Ms. Peters

I am pleased to inform you I greatly enjoyed your novel Damage Control and would love to hear more from you. I would like to set up a time to talk to you in regards to your manuscript.

Please give me a call at your earliest convenience. (Here it listed a phone number)

Regards, I look forward to hearing from you,

Natalie Spencer

Harlequin Enterprises LTD (New York)

 

I was still grinning as I reread the email and picked up my phone, barely texting correctly and making numerous mistakes before I had composed the following text to Nathan.

Got the gig (in a matter of speaking) heard back from Harlequin this morning… Just now. Going to call them later, but I wanted you to be the first to know.

He replied back a few minutes later.

That's great! Congratulations!

I texted back quickly.

Thanks. I'll probably call them a little bit later after I calmed down and can wrap my mind around the idea I might actually get published.

I'll call you and tell you all about it.

Nathan texted back a few minutes later.

Sorry V, got to go, my class starts in half an hour. Call you later, probably over lunch or later this evening.

I smiled as the text came through, I could wait, for a little bit but this was part of my journey I wanted to share with him regardless of where we were. Putting down my phone I glanced at the clock it was a little past ten I could call now, I think I was calm enough.

I punched out the number and waited while it rang, I had never had so much hanging on a phone call before, and I hoped it was worth the long distance fees I would pay on my next month's phone bill.

Finally someone answered,

"Harlequin Publishing, Linda Ross speaking, may I help you?"

Taking a deep breath I answered,

"This is Vivian Peters, may I please speak to Natalie Spencer?"