Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

 

Dear Ann

I'll be the one, if you want me to.

 

From the moment I first met you, you have always been beautiful, not only with your looks, but there was something in your eyes, a sparkle, that showed the inner beauty inside you. That sparkle disappeared for a short time when your parents passed away, but it slowly came back as you worked through the pain. Kim always had the same sparkle in her eyes that you did. The spark in her eyes died the day we had the blow up, and up until the day of her wedding day, I thought, or I hoped that it would return. When I knew that we wouldn't even be attending, I knew that I'd never see that sparkle in her eyes again.

 

And I am feeling so small

 

That was also when I realized that light in your eyes had been slowly dying away since you slapped Kim's face because of me. The day Kim married Ron, was the same day the look in your eyes went out completely, and I know whose fault the most beautiful part of you died.

It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

 

I can't begin to measure how much I hurt you as well as Kim, and you may say what you will, but I know it was my fault. I know it, and deep down you know it too; you just refuse to admit it to me and maybe to yourself.

 

And I will swallow my pride.

 

Not till just before her wedding did I realize how broken we are as a family and I'm the one standing there with a hammer in my hand. If I just had walked out of her house that day and hadn't tried to apologize to her, if I'd just kept my mouth shut when I talked to Ron because Kim refused to talk to me, if I'd just gone to a bar and gotten drunk instead of coming home to try and figure out what had happened, or even if I had been in a car accident and died, any one of those thing would have been better for you than this Hell I put you through.

You're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye...

I could live with what I've done if I were the only one affected, but seeing you get dragged down with me is more than I can take. So if you still think that you care anything for me, please go out and find someone that can breathe life back into that spark and have some joy in your life. I know if I stick around, I'll only serve as a reminder of what I caused you to do that day. I can't forgive myself so I know I can't ask you to forgive me.

 

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

~-~

 

Ann tried to erase the words from her mind, but instead, they sharpened, the detail of his scrawl clear in her mind's eye, the way he wrote her name, and Kim's burning her eyelids with tears.

The plane rocked, and she clutched the arm of her chair. Kim's words burned in her mind too, and she was glad she could cut them off before she could finish. “I promise,” she would have said, “that we'll find dad on time.”

She scrubbed her face in her hands. The heavy rain had fled the area they were flying into, leaving behind a few lightning-struck trees that had turned into a massive blaze, razing hundreds of miles of wildlife to the ground.

A few lightning-struck trees had caused a statewide disaster. Just like how a few words had caused the almost-destruction of her entire family and sent her scrambling across the country to find her husband before he did something stupid.

She drew a shuddering breath, and Ron's hand rested on her shoulder, his brown eyes shadowed with concern. “Please, try not to worry,” he begged in a whisper as tears slipped from her eyes and down her cheeks.

She wrung her hands. “What do I say?” she whispered. “How do I... how do I explain to him how wrong he was, how wrong we all were... how do I keep him from giving up on me?”

Ron's face fell as he understood. “I don't know,” he said honestly.

“What if he... what if he doesn't come home?”

“We can't afford to think like that,” Ron answered tightly.

“No... I mean, what if he doesn't want me anymore?”

He looked at her oddly. “I wouldn't worry about that. He told you why he left. He was trying to make you happy. If he realizes it would make you happy if he came home, then...” he shook his head. “Look, I don't... know what's going to happen, but I... want you to know that I love you and KP loves you, and that won't change.”

She nodded. “Thank you.”

He squeezed her shoulder and moved back into the cockpit where his wife was focusing all of her attention and energy on getting their aircraft through the storm.

~-~

The canyon was that strange reddish brown, the mud and stones blending together with the cabin that was in the distance. The haze from the heat and distant smoke of the wildfire made the browns, reds, and grays melt together into an endless blur, concealing the cabin.

Finally they were getting close. She was so close, and then...

She jumped about a foot in the air as the loud bang echoed through the canyon. Each time the sound bounced back to her ears, it was painfully louder than the last, even though not a full second had gone by.

She took off at a dead run.

The gun was on the floor next to him, still in his hand. He was slumped on the ground, unmoving. On the shabby, desperately old table, there was a note.

 

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

When we got married, I didn't marry the woman I thought I could live the rest of my life with. I married the woman I knew I couldn't live without.

I 'm asking you to please forgive me for what I did to you and if you can't forgive me, I beg you Ann, if you can't forgive me, please forgive Kim. This was not, is not her fault. It's mine. I know now, that it always has been.

“No,” she mumbled, the word spilling from her lips over and over as she leaned over his prone form. Her tears mixed with the sweat and grime on the back of his neck.

 

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

 

Heat rash, her desperate mind said as she pushed the cursed weapon away. Somehow she managed to turn him on his back. Perhaps with help, she mused as she looked up dazedly. The others had arrived.

She looked down at her husband, more desperate tears falling. Why did he have to do this to himself? Why didn't he believe that she had always loved him with every shred of life in her soul?

 

Anywhere I would have followed you.

 

Wait... what did he do? There was no blood. He hadn't shot himself. She forced herself to be calm. She needed to treat him, he was severely ill. Dehydrated, she realized as she found his fluttering pulse in his neck. His heart was having to work too hard because of the heat. His skin was too hot. His scar... it was strange. It was heat rash, she realized. He was having a major heat stroke. If she didn't do something, he would die. Immediately she snapped orders, sending the others scrambling to keep her husband from literally cooking himself to death.

While she waited, she reached up and, using the table as leverage, shifted herself, and his head in her lap, to a more comfortable position. When she released the table, a white piece of paper floated to the ground next to her.

Remember you are loved in this world, cherished. What I did to you may have been wrong, but I did it out of love.

I did it all out of love.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

The cool water and towels arrived, and she set straight to work. She and her husband were both soaked to the core before he groaned.

“James.”

His eyelids fluttered.

“James, can you hear me?”

Nothing.

She lightly smacked his cheeks, trying to make him respond. When that failed, she dug her knuckles into his sternum, rubbing harshly. He groaned again.

“Jimmy,” she whispered hoarsely, “it's me.”

His eyelids flickered again, and he smiled a little bit.

“James!” she yelled at him, and her tears leaked down her face even though she hadn't realized she was crying. “James, dammit, you can't leave me like this. Please,” she begged. “James...?”

“Annie...” She almost didn't hear him.

“Jim?”

Say something...

“I love you.”