I cling to my precarious roost here on the rock face as sweat drips into my eyes. There is not much to see except for said rock as the darkness of early morning begins greying into daylight. My gloved fingers and booted toes hold fast to the craggy mountain as I am buffeted by the howling wind. This is not the first time that I have stopped during my climb to catch my breath and ask myself what in the hell I am doing this for.

I am pretty sure that I lost my mind about one thousand feet ago. Bye bye mind, guess I no longer need you.

I’ve tried to think of more than what would happen if my dumb ass self falls right off this mountain, truly there are no pretty pictures that come to my mind. I stare out over the other giant hunks of ancient rock in an attempt to console myself that I’m not the only insane person out here today: Mary is just a little above and beside me. She is wearing a ridiculous bright yellow windbreaker that I am pretty sure is useless by this point. She gives me a cautious wave by tilting her head and I consider that it seems she’s more afraid of falling than I am because at least I will still let go with one hand if I have to.

Some crazy ass sort of raptor bird flies between us screeching and I almost lose my balance. A tug on my harness, however, brings me back to my current situation and reminds me that loafing about daydreaming while clinging to the side of a very old mountain is probably not highest on the list for good ideas: even with the harness and an entire team of people who actually know what they are doing.

Fine. I’m coming. I open my mouth to shout up to the top and realize that is pretty stupid when my breath is almost taken away. It certainly would not do to pass out cold then endure the indignity of being hauled up the side of this mountain by the harness.

Whatever. I start my ascent again, losing myself in counting handholds so that I do not think about how high we really are. We are not just high up, we are stupidly high up. My hands begin to tremble after a few moments so I stop again. Not too far now. Then we get to ride in a helicopter back down to the base; truly I am wondering if that is a smart idea or if just going ahead and falling ass over head is better.

Ah well, time to suck it up. After all, I did volunteer for this. Stupid Terry and his stupid bucket list.

It feels like hours before I haul my fifty-five year old carcass up over the rim and onto a flat rocky plain. Jim or Joe or Jason, whatever his name is, helps me out of my harness gingerly as if he is afraid he is going to hurt me. It takes me a minute to catch my breath and then I take a look around.

The sun is slowly rising. It stands off to the side as if it is holding open the curtain to some stage play where the playwright is green and uncertain of his skills. I walk as far as I am able before I finally give up and just plant myself at the edge of the trail. I scoot a little ways on my jeans clad hiney to actually hang my feet over the edge. I’ll blame it on the fact that I have already lost my mind. From where I am sitting I can see far across a valley. There must be water down there because a thick mist of fog is rising upwards as if to meet me. Everything is lit up in newly minted gold, the grey of the rock is in sharp relief and the greenery–what greenery still exists at this time of year–is exquisite.

My heart begins to break just a little.

I still have so far to go, so many treatments to take to fight this thing that is killing me from the inside; but this? This will still exist after all of us are gone. I watch the big raptor as the bird glides horizontally across the valley as if it knows I am here; is that really an eagle? The moisture at the corners of my eyes is not sweat.

In an instant, the sun opens its arms wide to show me the glory of nature in its finest hour. I cannot look away. I consider for a moment the time that our planet has hung in the galaxy; I can almost feel the thrumming of the big bang in my veins and I want to reach out and hold it all to me just to see if my heart would beat with the pulse of every single beautiful sight in front of me: the eagle, the trees, the grasses, even the mule deer that I know must be down there. I stand up on my tip toes and for a moment forget all of my own troubles, understanding that life, however precarious and unknown–life carries on. Truly, we are part of something much bigger than ourselves.

It is then that I make up my mind to live.