Yesterday (October 9, 2013)

Hannah followed me around almost all day trying to get me to tell. I don't know why I let it slip I had a secret. That was a year ago, and still today she was trying to get me to tell. I was so scared. I passed her a note in language class. It was written in Japanese, which I speak some of. Hannah was really confused.

"Translate it," I said. "Use the Internet."

The paper basically said "I have a crush on you." Hannah kept telling me how she was going to translate it once she got home, and then my secret would be revealed. She giggled about it all day, having no idea what was written on that paper. I was pretty scared.

Hannah called me that night, telling me she was having trouble figuring it out. "Nothing it's saying is making sense! Something about China?"

"Um, no, that's really off," I said. I was pacing back and forth and shaking pretty bad. "Keep trying."

Eventually I had to go to bed and I hung up.

I would never forget the next day.

Today (October 10, 2013)

On the bus, I always rode with Alyssa. This morning, she was also trying to get me to tell the secret.

"I won't tell anyone!" she said. "Maybe I can even help you, if it's something you need help with."

I'd been planning to tell her the day before. I knew Alyssa well enough that I could trust her, but not too well that I worried a whole bunch about what she would think. But I hadn't expected it to be this difficult to say it. My mouth was moving and no words were coming out. "Can't say it," I mumbled.

"How about you write it?" said Alyssa. "And then we'll destroy the paper!" Alyssa loves destroying things.

"Um... okay..." I said. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. I pulled out a paper and a pencil and started to write.

I have a

I stared at the paper for a while. Alyssa stared at it as well. Then I covered the paper with my left hand while I wrote the rest of the message.

I have a crush on Hannah.

I lifted my hand and looked at Alyssa. She stared at the paper for about three seconds. Then she tore it up and put it in her mouth. I gave her a wide-eyed look, even though I wasn't too surprised, since she's pretty weird.

"Okay now," she said. She spit out the paper and shoved it in her backpack. I sat there stunned. Alyssa laughed at my expression. I was shaking super bad, not because she had just spit up paper and shoved it in her backpack, but because I was still scared.

"Hold on," said Alyssa. "I need to think about this a second." She stared intently at the back of the seat in front of us. Then she said, "Well, that's not weird or anything. But why?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'm really confused myself."

"Well, you gotta tell her eventually, so... how about you write a note?" Alyssa suggested.

"I've tried that," I said. "Saying it is just too hard, no matter how I do it. It was hard enough to say it to you."

"Well if you want," Alyssa continued. "I could ask her if she likes girls."

"I guess..." I said, not sure.

"Don't worry, everything will be fine," Alyssa said. "Well, probably."

I was still shaking when I got off the bus. Hannah soon arrived from her bus and sat down at our table where we were waiting for class to start. Alyssa kept looking at me. I kept looking at the floor. Alyssa moved next to Hannah and whispered something to her. Hannah responded loud enough for me to hear. "I would be fine with that," she said.

"Okay," said Alyssa. She moved back to her seat. I gave her a confused look. "It's okay, I didn't say anything about you."

I spent my first three classes worrying. The clock was moving incredibly slow. Everyone around me was acting the same as usual, but I felt like they were all acting differently. Hannah and I have the same fourth period class.

When I got to fourth period, Hannah passed me a note. I was shocked at what it said.

She'd guessed it.

The note said that Alyssa had asked her if she would be okay with it if she (Alyssa) were a lesbian. Then Hannah had been able to decode my Japanese message. But she still wasn't sure.

Is that what it is?

I nodded and passed the note back to her. "What should I do with it?" Hannah said.

"Tear it up and throw it away," I said. Hannah did just that. She didn't say anything else to me for the rest of the class. No reaction whatsoever. I think she was afraid to mention it to me or ask for any details. If she would've asked me, I could have told her about how I was always thinking about her and how tempting it was to stare at her when her back was turned, or about how sometimes my family says I obsess over her to much because I can't stop talking about her, or how strange I felt now that she knew. I could've talked for hours about my feelings, but Hannah wasn't saying anything. It was the silence that scared me.

I'm not even sure she noticed my crying.

We had to do presentations that class, and usually I'd present the first day, but I was too busy crying. Hannah noticed it then. But she still wasn't saying anything. She talked a lot though. About normal things that any friends might talk about. And she smiled and asked me questions and she presented her project. I sat there basically feeling sorry for myself.

In my next class, literature, I wondered and wondered if anything was going to change. I worried and worried that Hannah was also freaking out inside but was too afraid to say anything. I finished my test half an hour before the period was over and then went to the bathroom without even getting a pass. I sat in my stall crying and crying some more. I was lucky no one else was in the bathroom.

When I went back to class there were ten minutes left. I gathered up my stuff and waited for the bell to ring. When it did, I rushed to my locker, desperate to get to lunch. I suddenly felt really hungry.

At lunch, another friend, Jeremy, sat next to me and asked me what was wrong.

"I don't want to tell anyone else," I said.

When Hannah sat down, Jeremy tried asking her.

"It's personal, Jeremy," Hannah said. "We shouldn't bring it up."

"No!" I cried. "You can't act like nothing happened!"

"Well, how do you want me to react?" asked Hannah. "Because I don't know how to feel. I'm just really confused."

"Well so am I," I said.

"And I'm confused because I don't know what either of you are talking about," said Jeremy.

"So what, this won't change anything at all?" I asked. "Nothing's going to happen at all?" It's not like my feelings are going to disappear anytime soon.

"I don't know," said Hannah. "But I'll buy you ice cream."

That was probably the first time I was crying while eating ice cream.

During study hall, my teacher pulled me out into the hall to talk to me because I was still crying. I refused to tell her anything.

While we were in the computer lab typing up letters for a project, the school counselor came in and asked to see me. I've been seeing her every Friday since the start of the year. But today's Thursday. Had she heard something?

When I got to the counselor's room, she said she'd heard I was crying. She asked me what was going on.

"I don't really want to tell anyone else about it," I said.

The counselor pointed at the sign on the wall that says: What's in this room stays in this room, unless it's harming others or yourself.

"I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong," said the counselor.

"Well," I said, a bit hesitantly. "I told Hannah a secret I've been hiding for a long time and she's barely having a reaction. I don't know what she's thinking, and it's worrying me."

I started blabbering on and on about it without revealing what it was. When I was finished explaining every detail, including telling Alyssa on the bus and the conversation at lunch, the counselor said, "Can I try to guess what it is, since you're too afraid to say it?" she asked.

"Sure," I said.

"Is it an issue with trust? Did you do something to break her trust?"

"Nope."

"Is it something about her you don't like?"

"Nope."

"Is it something about your feelings towards her or each other?"

"...Yes."

"Are you upset with her?"

"Not exactly."

"Is it feelings towards her that are more than just friendly ones?"

I was looking at the wall. "...Yes."

The counselor looked down at her desk for a second, that back up at me. "How long have you known?"

"A year."

"A whole year? And you just told her today?"

"Yeah... I was... worried." I looked at other wall, embarrassed.

"When I saw her at the computer lab, she looked like her usual self," said the counselor.

"I... guess everything's okay..." I mumbled. "But I don't know what to do now."

"Well, it took you a whole year to tell her, and you really can't expect her to process all this right away," the counselor pointed out.

"Yeah... I guess..."

"Just give it time," the counselor said. "This could change a lot, so you need to wait before you decide to do anything else. You should feel proud of yourself for finally getting this off your chest. I'll talk to you again on Wednesday to see how things are going."

The conversation went on a long time. I totally didn't know I was missing the pizza party we were having in study hall today. I was finally dismissed five minutes before the bell would ring and raced through the halls back to my classroom. I grabbed my backpack and jacket from my locker and almost ran into my teacher on my way to my desk.

"Oh, Anastasia!" my teacher said. "Saved you some pizza!" She handed a plate to me. I tried to balance the pizza and carry my things to my desk.

"Oh yeah, your soda too," said my teacher. "Jason, where'd you put her soda?"

"In my backpack," said Jason. "I mean, not like I was going to steal it or anything!" He handed me the soda.

I set down my stuff and tried to quickly eat my pizza before the bell rung. I hadn't even eaten half of the first piece before the buses came. I threw away the rest of the pizza (what a waste...) and shoved the soda in my backpack before running to the bus.

I saw Hannah on my way out. She was upset because her class didn't have a pizza party.

"How was your pizza party?" she said, clearly annoyed.

"I barely even had a pizza party," I said. "I only had a few bites of pizza since I missed almost the whole party talking to the counselor."

"Whatever," she said. "See you tomorrow."

I got on the bus, and this time my friends Emma and Megan were riding too. I was still crying, but I had forgotten about it because I'd been crying so long. Maybe I couldn't stop crying. I was eating Pocky as I stared out into space.

"Hey Anastasia, why are you crying?" Emma asked.

"No big reason," I lied. "Well... everything's fine now."

"Why won't you tell us what it is?" said Emma.

"It's a secret. And it's too hard for me to say," I said.

"I keep secrets for my brother all the time," said Megan. "I won't tell anyone."

"I'm too embarrassed," I said.

"She told me this morning," said Alyssa, I guess for no apparent reason.

"Then Anastasia, tell Alyssa to tell us," said Megan.

"Fine," I said. "Tell them, Alyssa."

Alyssa had no problem with telling them. She whispered it, while Emma and Megan listened intently. As she finished telling about it, she started talking a little louder. I heard her say, "And she was so embarrassed she had to write it on a piece of paper and show it to me!" Emma and Megan looked at me. My face must have turned as red as a tomato. Alyssa laughed at my expression. "It's not really that awkward anymore. And it's not that weird either."

That's when I realized nothing was going to change. At least not drastically. Everyone went off talking about other things. And that was fine with me.

I was in an unusually cheery mood when I got home. I took my dog Yoshi outside and talked to him. I drank my soda and finished the Pocky as I typed this story.

I don't know what might happen tomorrow or the day after that or any day in the next week, but now I'm not hiding anything from Hannah. And everything will be fine.

Today (October 16, 2013)

It's Wednesday, the day I expected the counselor to come get me in P.E., and she wasn't coming. We were playing goal ball. In goal ball, you have to get three balls in the other team's net to win, and in other ways it's like dodge ball. I really didn't want to play. The losing team would have to do twenty push-ups, and I hate to do those. C'mon already, counselor!

My mind wandered as I stood in the corner of the gym, barely even participating. "Guess your counselor isn't coming to save you," said Hannah, laughing.

I nodded, a bit let down but hopeful our team would win. I thought of something else to say. "Emma and Megan know now," I said. "Alyssa told them."

Hannah looked confused a second, and then nodded. "I told Savannah. I hope that's okay," she said. Savannah is a friend who rides Hannah's bus.

"Yeah," I said. "The counselor knows too."

"Huh? You told her?" said Hannah, clearly surprised.

"She guessed it," I said.

"How?" said Hannah.

"She just guessed it," I said with a shrug. "I wouldn't tell her so she guessed it."

"Wow," said Hannah. We were silent for a while. I debated over whether or not I should say something. Before I could decide, Hannah said, "Are you okay with talking about this? Like, I don't want you to start crying again or anything."

"No, I'm fine," I said, even though my heart was pounding. Cut it out, heart! Everything is fine, so you don't need to freak out! I'm fine! You're fine!

"That's good," said Hannah. "Since you told me, I've been afraid to talk to you about it because I didn't want to upset you."

"I can believe that," I said.

"I still can barely believe that's your secret," Hannah continued.

"And I barely can either," I said. "But considering I've been thinking about it for a year and wondering what to do, it's silly for me to still not believe myself."

Our team lost and we had to do the push-ups, but I only did fifteen before it was time to change out of our gym uniforms. I wish I was better at push-ups!

We talked about it as we changed. I noticed my heart rate had slowed.

"Anyway, it's kinda nice to know," said Hannah. "It's like a compliment really. A lot of people don't like and tease me because I'm short or they think I'm annoying, and so it's nice to know someone has a crush on me. It makes me feel special."

I gave an embarrassed smile. I was hoping she'd look at it that way. I felt relieved.

At lunch, a weird random thing happened. When I sat down at my table and pulled my food out of my lunchbox, Steven, a friend who sometimes sits with us at lunch, who is also somewhat annoying, grabbed my pudding and held it out of my reach. Then he said, "Tell me who you like or the pudding gets it!"

I was super upset since I love pudding. I whined, reaching as far as I could. "What makes you think I like someone?" I asked.

"I just know it," he said. "So you'd better tell me!"

"Take a guess," I said.

"Me," he said.

"No."

"Yeah, I knew that."

I made a face. Steven giggled, seemingly amused by my helpless expression. "I'm not sure I trust you," I said. "You can't tell anyone."

"You can totally trust me!" he said.

"Fine," I said. "Hannah."

Surprisingly, I didn't feel nervous at all saying it. Probably because all I had to say was 'Hannah' instead of 'I have a crush on Hannah'.

"Liar," Steven said.

"No, I'm really serious!" I objected.

"But I meant who do you have a crush on, not like in a friend way," Steven said.

"I know," I said. "I have a crush on Hannah and if you don't believe me ask her because she knows it."

Steven just stared at me a while. Then he said, "SO YOU'RE LIKE, A LESBIAN THEN?"

"Maybe!" I said. "None of your business! Now I told you, so give me back my pudding!" Steven was still laughing. Then Hannah arrived at the table.

"Hannah!" I whined. "He stole my pudding! Do something!" Hannah snatched the pudding and tossed it to me. I smiled and opened it.

"Hannah, Anastasia won't tell me who she likes!" said Steven.

"I already told you!" I said. "And I was really telling the truth!"

"Who'd she say, Steven?" asked Hannah.

Steven clamped his mouth shut, then opened it to take a drink of milk. He drank for a really long time. What's your problem, Steven? I told you she already knows, and you think I'm lying anyway! "You," he mumbled really quietly.

"Steven, she wasn't lying," said Hannah. "And it's a super big secret so don't you dare tell anyone!"

Steven was gone when Hannah and I walked outside together. "Hey Anastasia," Hannah said. "Do you think Steven has a crush on me? Because sometimes, I really think he does."

"Maybe," I said. Hannah's been wondering about this for a long time. Maybe longer than I've had a crush on her.

"He's given me ice cream money," she said. "And he's said I'm really sweet. And he was really happy when he got to switch seats and sit next to me in class."

"It wouldn't surprise me," I said. "It would annoy me though..." Another thought popped up into my head. "Wait, so if Steven likes you, then that means two people are crushing on you!"

"Wow, I must be pretty amazing!" said Hannah happily. "It would be so funny if you two started arguing over me!"

Well, it would be interesting...

"I'm going to find out if he likes me," said Hannah. "I sure hope I won't have to choose which one of you to be with or something!" She laughed.

I smiled. Telling Hannah I like her is probably one of the best things I've ever done. "If Steven likes you," I said. "I'll have more reason to find him annoying."

"Yeah," said Hannah, still smiling. "Well, let's wait and see."

After recess, my counselor finally came to see me. It was really short and out in the open, so I couldn't say much, but I managed to tell her that things are going better and we wonder if Steven might have a crush on Hannah. The counselor is going to check on me again on Friday.

Meanwhile, I am hoping that Steven doesn't like Hannah.

Today (October 18, 2013)

Jeremy is always talking to me. Sometimes at lunch Hannah gets annoyed because she's trying to talk to me but Jeremy won't stop talking.

"He tries to be funny," Hannah said to me this morning. "But he's really just annoying."

"That's kinda what I think of Steven," I said. Actually, that's exactly what I think of him. We used to be better friends, but now... I just feel like he's taking Hannah away from me.

"Really?" said Hannah. "That's... interesting." We parted to go to our lockers.

When we were at lunch, before Jeremy and Steven sat down at our table, Hannah and I talked about the possibility of Steven having a crush on Hannah.

"It would be... bad if he does," Hannah said, a bit hesitantly. "And... Well, do you think Jeremy has a crush on you?"

I shrugged. "It's a possibility."

"It would be crazy," said Hannah. "There would be some terrible arguments between all of us, wouldn't there?"

"Yeah," I said. I was quiet for a minute, wondering what I should say. "What would you do?"

"Well, I would..." Hannah's voice trailed off. I guess I was suddenly in charge of the conversation. I didn't know what to say though. Maybe I could change the subject. It's not like Hannah had to answer. But she already was. "I wouldn't do anything," she said. "I mean, I like you, but... I don't have a crush on you."

Now I was really lost for what to say. Steven and Jeremy soon sat down, and Hannah was talking to Steven in her usual cheerful tone. I was super quiet. Jeremy was trying to talk to me, but I didn't want to upset Hannah by talking to him.

Because before today, Hannah never actually said she didn't like me back. It was pretty clear to me she didn't, but she never actually said it. And it was that fact that was giving me hope. The fact that she maybe liked me back... or maybe would someday. But I suddenly felt hopeless. I thought maybe I shouldn't have bothered asking.

After Steven and Jeremy finished eating, they ran outside. Hannah gathered up her trash. I sat there gloomily.

"What's wrong?" said Hannah, finally noticing my sad expression. I didn't say anything. "Anastasia, what's wrong?"

"Before now..." I said. "You... never actually... said you didn't like me back. So I thought maybe... I still had a chance..."

"But you do have a chance," said Hannah.

"What do you mean," I said, giving almost no indication in my tone that I was asking a question.

"I really like you," Hannah said. "As my best friend."

"Yeah, as your best friend," I mumbled.

"It's your advantage," she said. I sort of understood. "And you know, I kinda do have a little crush on you."

"Right," I said. "You're just saying that to make me feel better. If you liked me back, you would have told me sooner."

"No, really!" said Hannah. "Just a little one, but it's there. And you know, it could always get bigger over time."

Did she really mean it? I felt a little better. I stood up. Then Hannah and I went outside.

My head is spinning now. Is it really possible that Hannah has a crush on me?

During P.E., we had free time outside. Hannah wanted to do a trust test. "Fall back and I'll catch you," she said.

"I don't know if I can," I said, nervous.

"It's okay," she said. "Here, I'll do it first."

Hannah fell back and I caught her. She's really light. Then I tried. When I fell back, I felt Hannah's arms around me. Somehow I had managed to do it, but only with Hannah standing directly behind me. I weigh more than she does, so she had a little trouble helping me back up.

"See, that wasn't so bad," Hannah said cheerfully. "Isn't this fun?"

"I guess," I said.

Later in the day, I was sitting in my desk daydreaming about Hannah. Imagining what it would be like if we were a couple...

~In my daydream

"Hey Hannah," I said. "Do you wanna maybe... go somewhere with me tonight?"

Hannah was putting books into her locker. "You mean like a date?" she said.

"Yeah," I said. "I mean, you don't have to, but just if maybe you want to... not like I'd expect you to want to!"

Hannah smiled. "Of course I'll go out with you. How could I decline?" I was ridiculously happy. Hannah turned around and winked at me while she was walking away...

~End Fantasy

"Anastasia!" said Hannah. "You need to pay attention!"

"Oh, sorry," I said. "I was just... spaced out."

"Your face is really red," Hannah said.

"Uh, well, I'm kinda cold so my cheeks got rosy..." I mumbled awkwardly. "It's starting to get cold out..."

"Right," Hannah said, laughing. "Whatever you say."

My face must have turned even redder as I attempted to direct my attention to the teacher.

Two days ago (October 21, 2013)

Hannah is now obsessed with figuring out whether Steven likes her. "How am I supposed to find out?" she asked me.

"I don't know," I said, kinda bored. "You could try stalking him."

"What!?"

"I was kidding," I said, giggling. "Or just ask him straight out."

"Yeah right," said Hannah. "There's no way I could ever do that. And if he does like me, he'd probably just lie and say he doesn't."

"Hm..." I said. "Well, before you knew I liked you, if you would have asked me if I did, I would have said yes."

"Well, you're an honest person," said Hannah. And Steven isn't?

"Here's another thought," I said. "What if Steven likes me?"

Hannah looked confused. "How could that ever be true?"

"Well," I said. "I've... been wondering ever since he took my pudding. He asked me who I liked... and it seemed he really wanted to know... and he asked if I like him."

Hannah's eyes widened. "That's..." her voice trailed off and she was quiet.

That was the end of that conversation.

Today (October 23)

Today was a half day of school. The first half of school was spent watching this boring documentary of Mark Twain's life and videos about self esteem and bullying. We also took a test. I practiced writing Japanese too. Then, at 9:40, the class was called to the cafeteria for the good behavior party. Six people in our class weren't going, and they were all boys. No surprise there.

In the cafeteria, we all got to eat ice cream. Sitting at my table: Hannah, Jeremy, Steven, Alyssa, Emma, and Jessica. (Jessica is one of Emma's friends.) I ended up sitting between Alyssa and Steven. I whined, wanting to sit next to Hannah.

"After we eat our ice cream we're going outside for an hour," Hannah said.

"I don't have a coat!" I said. "I totally forgot about it and left it at home!"

Hannah laughed. "You're gonna freeze. It's super cold today." I banged my head on the table.

It was weird hanging out with so many friends at once. Jeremy didn't even know Emma or Jessica (and they didn't know him). Same with Steven. Alyssa, Emma, and Jessica are in seventh grade, so they don't really see each other. When we got outside, we stood by the horizontal bar.

"Hey Anastasia," said Steven. "Come with me." He grabbed my arm and started to pull me away from the group. Jeremy ran over and grabbed my other arm.

"Hey!" said Steven. "Back off, she's mine!" Yours?

"No, she's mine!" said Jeremy. They started pulling on me. Well, this is strange.

"No!" Alyssa hollered. She ran over and pried me out of their grip. Then she forcefully pushed me backwards until I was up against a wall. She held me by my arms. "She's mine." She gave me a mischievous glare, leaning in really close, and I let out a tiny gasp. "So don't touch her!"

I made a tiny noise that kinda sounded like a balloon deflating. Steven ran over and grabbed me, then started to pull me towards the playground. I followed willingly, actually giving the impression that I was bored. I walked slow, not really caring. Alyssa ran up behind and pounced on me, knocking me to the ground. I heard Steven yelling something, and felt Alyssa's weight against me as I fell. For some reason I didn't really care that I was falling to the ground either.

But when Alyssa got off of me, I was shaking. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Just... cold... I forgot my jacket, remember?"

"Oh yeah," said Alyssa.

"You can wear mine," Steven offered.

"No thanks," I said.

"You can wear mine," said Alyssa. Before I could say no, Alyssa had put the jacket on me. She pulled the hood down so that it covered my eyes. I pulled it up. Alyssa smiled.

"Okay, I'm taking Anastasia away with me now," Steven said. "Bye!" He began to walk away, pulling me lightly along.

"Hey!" I yelled. "I'm being kidnapped and no one is doing anything!"

Alyssa ran up and grabbed Steven, pushing him away. Everyone chased everyone else over to the playground. I was knocked down in the tire chips.

"She's mine!" Alyssa yelled at Steven.

"No, she's mine!" Steven yelled back.

"No, she's mine!" Jeremy yelled, appearing out of nowhere.

I was completely overwhelmed and confused.

"Okay guys," said Hannah. "Alyssa and Steven are going to fight each other now! Whoever wins gets Anastasia!"

"What!?" I shrieked. "I didn't agree to this!"

"You don't get any input," Hannah said.

"What about me?" said Jeremy.

Hannah laughed. "Are you kidding? You'd die trying to fight either of them. They're tough!"

"Don't worry, Anastasia," said Steven, glaring at Alyssa. "When I win, I'll let you live in my basement."

"What!?"

"Ready, set, go!" said Hannah.

Alyssa lunged at Steven. As the fight went on, a crowd began to gather around them. People began cheering them on. I heard someone yell, "Hey guys, get over here! Steven is fighting a girl!" At this point, Steven was laying on top of Alyssa, holding her down to the ground. I suppose because of this position, some people started yelling, "Kiss, kiss!" It seemed pretty pathetic to me that Alyssa was losing to a boy.

"Okay guys!" said Hannah. "Steven won, so it's over now!" Alyssa and Steven didn't stop, so Hannah went over and tried to pry them off of each other. She almost got punched in the face. A teacher had to come over and blow her whistle at them.

Once the crowds were gone, Steven sat between me and Hannah on the edge of the playground. "You're mine now," he said, giving me the glare Alyssa had given me earlier. I gulped. "So come on!" he tried to pull me up, but I resisted.

Jeremy ran over and said, "Don't worry, I'll get you away from him!" He pulled me into the soccer field, and I followed. Alyssa decided then to tackle Jeremy. The floppy hood fell over my face as Alyssa and Jeremy and apparently also Steven fell on me. I was starting to get used to being pushed down.

I don't remember clearly, but somehow we ended up on the other side of the soccer field. Jeremy was battling for me now, and Hannah told me she'd protect me. I stood behind her, then ducked down since I was taller. Jeremy tried to get to me, but Hannah and Jessica blocked him (and later Emma). Jeremy was hardly trying anymore when Alyssa randomly charged towards him. The rest of us watched in amusement, Alyssa and Jeremy running the full length of the soccer field down to the woods. They were soon little dots in the distance, shoving each other. Jeremy fell on the ground and Alyssa ran back.

Jeremy finally returned, and sat down on a pile of rocks to rest. We were all freezing and exhausted. Alyssa was probably coldest of all, having given up her coat, but she wasn't complaining, because she's tough like that.

"That was awesome!" Alyssa cheered. "I wanna stay out here forever!" The whistle blew just then, and everyone headed towards the door. Alyssa groaned. I handed her the coat and she stomped inside.

In the hallway, Steven said to me, "Don't forget, you're mine." I clung to Hannah's arm. Hannah just smiled at my helpless expression.

Today (October 29, 2013)

In my fourth period class, Hannah sits directly in front of me. That makes it really easy to stare at her. But sometimes it's kinda a problem. Today I was trying to take a test, but Hannah's pretty blond hair was super distracting.

At lunch, I was spaced out staring at Hannah, who was standing in the lunch line. How come I was staring at her an extra lot today? Steven and Jeremy were sitting with me, and Jeremy took note of my extreme spaciness. "I mean, you space out a lot," said Jeremy. "But today you're especially spaced out. What are you thinking about?"

"No one," I said simply.

"I asked what you were thinking about," said Jeremy. "Not who." He smiled as he continued, asking, "Who's making you stare into the distance dreamily?"

I looked away. "Um..." Was it okay to tell him? He was probably gonna find out eventually anyway.

"Let me say this more clearly," said Jeremy. "Who do you like?" Steven just stared at me blankly for a while I debated with myself.

Before I could respond, Steven said, "Hey Anastasia, now that I own you, I don't know what to do with you. I'm thinking about selling you. I think you're worth about five dollars."

"Hey!" I said.

"No talking!" said Steven. "I command you not to talk!"

"I don't care!"

"Fine then!" said Steven. "I'm raising your price!" I smiled, but then Steven said, "No, that's a bad thing. If you're cheap, maybe Hannah will be willing to buy you from me, and she'll treat you way nicer." I made a sad face then. I don't want to Steven to 'own' me, because he's terribly annoying, but I love Hannah so much and the thought of being 'hers' just sounds nice to me... in a strange way.

Steven turned around in his seat and yelled, "Hey, guys!" The boys at the table next to us turned around. "How much would you be willing to pay to boss Anastasia around for the rest of your life?"

"Twenty bucks," one boy said.

"Nothing," said another.

Steven turned back to me, smiling. "Twenty bucks sounds good." I slumped down in my seat.

Hannah arrived at the table then, and Jeremy said, "Hey, Hannah! Anastasia is daydreaming about someone she likes and she won't tell me who!" He grabbed my shoulders and shook me back and forth.

Hannah laughed. "You are?"

"Yes!"

Hannah just started talking to Steven as if this was no big deal. They were talking about something about China I think.

On the bus ride home, Jeremy was waving to me from the window of his bus. Megan jumped in the way to block him. Keijah, another friend who rides our bus, thought this was funny. Jeremy was clearly annoyed (from what I could see of him). Alyssa wasn't riding the bus because she had drama club.

"That Jeremy guy is always waving to you," said Megan. "I bet it's 'cause he has a crush on you."

"Maybe..." I mumbled. "Actually, today he did ask me who I had a crush on..."

Megan's eyes widened. "That practically proves it! He probably wants to know so he can brutally murder them! Keijah, are you hearing this?"

"Yeah," said Keijah. "Who do you have a crush on anyway?"

"Yeah, who?" said Megan.

"Huh?" I said. Didn't Alyssa tell Megan and Emma on the bus that day...? "I thought you knew, Megan..."

"I don't," said Megan. Then what did Alyssa tell you? "C'mon, tell us!"

"Uh...it's embarrassing," I said.

"I have a crush on someone," said Keijah. "You guys don't know him."

"Anastasia, I don't even know any eighth graders," said Megan. "Assuming they're in eighth grade..."

"They are," I said. "But you do know them."

"Really?" said Megan. She thought a while. "I can only think of one eighth grader... besides you... that I know. Does their name start with H?"

"Yeah," I said. She knew.

"Is A the second letter?"

"Yeah."

"Are they a boy or a girl?" she asked next. "I mean, I would assume you have a crush on a boy, but..."

"A girl," I said.

"Wow, really?" said Keijah.

"It's Claire's sister, isn't it?" said Megan. Claire is Hannah's little sister in fifth grade, and she's good friends with Megan. I nodded, just a teensy bit embarrassed.

We soon moved onto talking about other things. But then Megan said, "Hey Anastasia, Jeremy totally likes you."

"You've already said that," I said. "And if he does, it doesn't make a difference, because I don't like him back."

"So what?" said Megan. "Don't his feelings count?" I wasn't sure what to say, so I didn't say anything.

It's weird how easy it's gotten to say now. Quite a few people know about my crush, and we can basically discuss it like it's no big deal at all. Telling Alyssa was so hard I had to write it out, telling Hannah made me cry, and now it's barely a problem for me. I can almost be completely open about my feelings now... with my friends, that is. My parents would never accept it, and telling them would be harder than telling Hannah (not that I'm planning to tell them).

But I like that Hannah has adjusted to it so quickly. It's been almost three weeks since my confession (though I'm not really sure it counts as a confession because Hannah sorta figured it out). Just sorta. She never could have figured it out without me giving any hints or telling anyone else. When we were in seventh grade, sometimes she'd spend all recess trying to guess it. She never guessed anything close. I kept telling her it was something she'd never be able to guess. The things she was guessing were nothing worth hiding.

But now I can mention my crush on her straight to her without her making a big deal out of it. I'm not afraid to tell her or show her my feelings in subtle ways, and I don't freak out when she catches me staring at her. I think she really is taking it as a compliment. Recently she said she didn't think she was very pretty, and I said, "What are you talking about!? You're really really pretty!" and she smiled and said thanks.

So basically what I'm saying is, I feel so much better now that she knows. I used to think she might want to distance herself from me if I were to tell her, but if anything we've grown even closer. I feel like we're the best friends in the world! But of course, I don't want to just be her friend... And sadly, when the school year ends, we will be graduating with a sad goodbye... because Hannah is going to a different high school, and I'll rarely get to see her after that...

Today (October 30, 2013)

In the morning, Steven walked right up to me and shoved a piece of paper in my face. When I opened it, I gave him a weird look. "A deed?"

Steven smiled, nodding. "Proof that you belong to me."

"She's not yours!" said Jeremy. "Get that silly idea out of your head!"

"I won her fair and square," said Steven. "And she's mine unless someone buys her, which probably isn't gonna happen."

"This is crazy," I said.

"No talking!" said Steven. I shut my mouth. Jeremy started laughing.

"She'll also be released if someone can tear up this deed," said Steven. "But I'm keeping it safely tucked into my pocket." He slid it into his pocket, grinning. "Whatcha gonna do about it? Think Hannah's gonna save you? Well that's not gonna happen!"

At Lunch...

Hannah had given me one of her stuffed animals, an adorable little puppy, to look over for the day. It was sitting next to my lunchbox, smiling at me with huge cute eyes.

When Steven sat down at the table, he grabbed the puppy before I could think and started slapping it repeatedly. I tried to grab it from him, but it wasn't working. Hannah managed to stop him.

"Sorry, I felt like hurting something cute," said Steven. "I couldn't resist." I gave him an odd look. "But I know it's Hannah's, so I won't hurt it too bad. If it were yours Anastasia, I would've just thrown it into the wall without a care in the world." So what, you favor Hannah?

At recess, Hannah spent most of the time chasing Steven around trying to get that deed so she could tear it up. It was amusing to watch. Jeremy and I sat by the wall. I was cuddling Hannah's stuffed dog and jacket, and Jeremy was laughing and talking a lot. The bell rang and Hannah still hadn't gotten it, and we all walked to our lines.

"Anastasia, I order you to do four hundred push-ups!" Steven said.

"But... the ground's dirty," I said.

"Like I care!"

I didn't end up doing any push-ups and we all went inside. Hannah put the cute stuffed puppy in her locker where it sat there being cute and happy.

"Today after school I have a ceremony for Honor's Society," Hannah said as she organized her books. "I'm gonna be dressed up really nice, and my hair will be curled. I'll even be wearing heels."

I had a flashback to when Hannah and I went to the last school dance. I had loved her outfit so much, and she'd insisted it wasn't even close to the nicest outfit she has.

"Nicer than you usually look at school dances?" I asked, a bit shyly.

"Yeah, probably," said Hannah.

"What!? I wanna go!"

Hannah smiled, not looking at me, but at her textbooks. Then she said, "I know you do. I'm going to be totally pretty and you'll have to miss out on it!" She laughed, shutting her locker. "Assuming you can't come."

"I probably can't," I said sadly.

Hannah just kept smiling. "It's okay. Just wait to you see what I wear to the eighth grade prom." Oh yeah. That's right... prom... I wonder... if I'll go alone...

Today (October 31, 2013)

Today is Halloween! On the bus this morning, Alyssa put white bunny ears on me.

"It's your costume," said Alyssa. "Since you're not wearing one." Since it's Halloween, students and teachers were allowed to wear costumes, and I hadn't planned to. "If Hannah isn't wearing a costume, I have bunny ears for her too. Pink ones."

Hannah's going to wear bunny ears? That'll be so cute...

When I saw Hannah in her bunny ears, I totally flipped. I found myself staring at them whenever I saw her. I was... well, amazed.

During fourth period, Hannah said to me, "I think I might be kinda spaced out today, because I'm thinking about a secret I have." Huh? What?

After class was over, while we walked through the hall, I asked Hannah about the secret. She said, "Well, it's pretty major."

"As major as mine was?" I asked.

"Probably even more major," she said.

I couldn't say anything else, because then Hannah and I had to split to go off to our next classes.

During lunch, I was thinking about what the secret might be. "It's kinda two secrets combined," she said. "I'm afraid to tell you because it might upset you."

I frowned. "Maybe I don't want to know then," I said.

But now I was worried. It was probably something really horrible. Hannah noticed I was sad. "What's wrong?"

"I'm afraid of what your secret might be," I said.

"It's only sorta bad," Hannah said. "Maybe you'll even think it's a little good. I'll tell you at recess if you want." Do I want to hear this?

"I'm listening!" said Jeremy. Steven was sitting with us too, but it didn't seem like he was listening.

"Or how about I just tell you right now?" said Hannah. I shrugged, and she said, "Okay, I'll tell you." I waited. "I have a crush on you and Steven."

I didn't know what to say. I was trying to process this, and decide what I thought of it. Hannah continued, saying, "See? It's half good right?" Yeah, but it's half bad.

"I'm still listening," said Jeremy. "I'm hearing everything you're saying." Hannah was keeping her voice down low, but I wasn't surprised he could hear. Steven was reading his deed.

"I'm not hiding anything from you now either," said Hannah. "And look, I'll make you a deal. If you won't let Jeremy sit here anymore, I won't let Steven sit with us. Deal?" I nodded.

But I was disappointed. It's great Hannah has a crush on me, but Steven? He's terribly annoying! What could she see in him!? I was getting angry inside. If only Steven had never went to this school! If only he would stay far away from Hannah! There's no way Hannah could possibly have a crush on him! She doesn't know him well enough! He's not the one who was there for her since kindergarten, visits her house and has sleepovers with her, and tells her about secrets! He's not worthy for someone as wonderful as her! Why does love have to be so hard!? I suddenly hated Steven. Who does he think he is!? It's all his fault Hannah likes him! He probably planned the whole thing out!

And I suddenly loved Hannah even more. When I was in seventh grade, and Hannah was pressuring me to reveal my secret, I believed my feelings would disappear eventually and it would be no big deal. I could find someone better... right? But now I was determined to... to... to do what? I guess... to make Hannah love me more. To make her realize Steven wasn't all that great. That I was better.

But what can I possibly do?

Today (November 1, 2013)

During the morning, we had an assembly. I arrived before any of my friends (or acquaintances). Jeremy came next, sitting down at my right.

"Hi," said Jeremy.

"Hi," I said.

"So..." said Jeremy. "Um, at lunch yesterday, what was Hannah whispering to you? She has a crush on Steven and who?"

"Me," I said.

Jeremy raised his eyebrows. "So what is it you hate about Steven?"

"Well," I said. "The main thing is that Hannah has a crush on him. I can't stand it. I can't stand him."

"Why?"

"I just said, because Hannah likes him. I'm just so jealous," I said.

"Why?"

I was getting annoyed. "Geez, how dense are you? I have a crush on Hannah!"

"Oh!"

I sighed, slumping back. "I wish he would just go away, and I'd never have to look at him again."

"And what's this about a deal you and Hannah made?"

"You mean the one that you and Steven wouldn't sit with us anymore?"

"Yeah, how could you do that?" Jeremy asked. "Don't you like me?"

"Well, sorta," I said. "But I hate Steven more than I like you, so I was willing to give you up in order to get rid of him at lunch."

Jeremy twitched. Then Steven came in. "Hey, Anastasia," he said. I looked away and didn't say anything. Steven just smiled, obviously not caring. He sat down directly left of me. Too close. I scooted closer to Jeremy. I at least like him more than Steven.

Then Hannah came and sat down... next to Steven and not next to me! In other words, Hannah was sitting on the far left, then Steven, then me, and Jeremy was on the right. I stood up and walked around Steven, not saying anything, and shoved him towards Jeremy to sit next to Hannah. Hannah smiled and hugged me, and Steven looked away. Now I was satisfied.

During P.E., Hannah talked about growing up and being an adult. "I can't wait to drive," she said.

"I think driving sounds scary," I said. "I'd be worried I'd hit someone!"

Hannah laughed. "Yeah, that sounds like you. I want to have two dogs and a hamster when I move out."

"And I'll be all alone and sad," I said.

"Wow, you're so negative," said Hannah. "Don't worry, you won't be on your own."

"What do you mean?" I said.

"You can live with me and my cute animals," said Hannah. "Don't you wanna live with me when you're older? I want to live with you." Then she quickly added, "As friends."

"Yeah," I mumbled. As friends... in other words, she's already decided we'll never ever be together.

"We'll travel together too," said Hannah. "I'll take you to Japan someday." She grinned. "Don't you see? Even though we'll have to split for high school, we'll eventually get back together. We won't lose contact."

I nodded, feeling a little better. Then the conversation was over and Hannah started singing quietly to herself. Her singing voice is really pretty and I was very fascinated.

I spent the rest of P.E. listening to Hannah sing.

At the end of the day, the counselor met up with me in the hall while I was at my locker and said, "I'm sorry I haven't seen you much lately. We'll talk on Monday. But has anything went on that you want to tell me?"

I shrugged. "I guess not." I probably shouldn't tell her about Hannah's crush on Steven... and me. Hannah didn't say I could tell.

"I'm sure there's something you want to say," the counselor said. "See you on Monday." I nodded and continued to pack up.

Today (November 4, 2013)

This morning, I was so annoyed thinking about Steven that as soon as Jeremy arrived at school, I started ranting about how much I dislike him. (And by him I of course mean Steven, not Jeremy.) Jeremy actually seemed somewhat interested.

When Steven arrived, I was refusing to look at him. I faced the wall. "What did I do to make you so angry at me?" he asked. "Tell me!" I shook my head. "Whatever it is, I'm sorry!"

"What did he do anyway?" asked Jeremy. "You can tell me, right?" I gave him a look. He really didn't know? I had just been ranting about why I dislike him so much! Then Jeremy's mouth rounded into an O in realization.

"I'm trying to be nice to you!" said Steven. "Really! Look!" I heard a tear, but didn't look at him to see what he was tearing.

Then Jeremy said, "Hey, Anastasia! Steven just tore up the deed!" I looked over at Jeremy and noticed a bunch of paper scraps on the floor. "You're free!"

I didn't say anything. I didn't feel like being happy. Then Steven handed me a piece of paper. It was an old copy of the deed.

When the bell rung, I met up with Hannah in the hallway and handed her the old deed, without explaining it immediately. Hannah looked confused. "The deed? Steven gave it to you?"

"It's an old copy," I said. "I'm free." I think I sounded a bit monotone.

"That's great!" Hannah exclaimed, a cheerful smile on her face. I just shrugged.

In P.E., Hannah gave me a note. "Steven asked me to give this to you," she said. I opened it up and read:

Anastasia,

listen, I'm sorry for the way I made you feel but I may not be able to take that back, I need you to give me another chance. I don't expect you to forgive me but to mend ones trust and friend ship I need you to help.

Please think apon my words

please, your friend
Steven

I read the paper a few more times, trying to make sense of it. What does he think he's done? What does he feel he can't take it back? Were we even friends in the first place?

"He's really sorry," said Hannah.

"How?" I said. "He has no idea why I'm upset or what's going on."

"Doesn't mean he can't feel guilty."

"It seems like he thinks he said something mean."

"Did he?"

"Well no, not exactly. You know what's going on."

"Well yes, but..." Hannah fumbled over her words. "Steven... he has no idea about any of this."

"He knows I have a crush on you."

"Does he really? Or does he still not believe it?"

I've been wondering about that for a while. Does he actually believe it, or does he think it's some sort of trick?

"I don't know," I said finally.

"Well I don't want him to know I like him," said Hannah. "At least not for now. Who knows how he'd react? Let's keep him oblivious. Let him be clueless."

I gave a tiny nod. Who knew what he would do? What if we told him Hannah likes him and he started trying to win her over? What if he likes her back... or starts to? What if Hannah and Steven fell in love and started dating and got married and... My head was spinning.

I know why I don't want Steven to know. But why doesn't Hannah want him to?

I feel like a clock is ticking... ticking down the time until graduation when Hannah will go to a new school and I'll be separated from her. We have only this school year to sort all these complicated feelings out. Someone has to do something fast!

But I forced myself to look on the bright side. I'm completely convinced Hannah will like me more if only I can prove myself to her. And when we graduate... at least Steven will also be separated from Hannah.

Yes, that's it! After graduation, I'll still get to hang out with Hannah occasionally outside of school! Steven might never even see her again! Try and beat me to her, Steven!

Today (November 5, 2013)

This morning, Steven was trying to get me to tell him why I don't like him very much anymore.

"If I told you," I said. "Hannah would kill me."

"Wait, what? She would kill you?" said Steven.

"Well, not literally," I joked. "It's not my secret to tell."

"I think I know what it is," Steven said.

"Then tell me what you think it is," I said. "I'd like to know."

"No..." said Steven. Then the bell rung, and Steven left very quickly.

Later, in the hallway, Hannah ran quickly up to me and said, "Anastasia, there's another secret."

I gave her a look. "Um, exactly how many secrets have been revealed recently?"

"Well... not that many really..." Hannah said. "This one might also upset you." I twitched worriedly. "Wanna hear it?"

"If you're willing to tell me," I said skeptically.

"Okay then," said Hannah. She took a deep breath. "Steven likes me."

I stared at her for a few seconds. "What?"

"I have to go to class," Hannah said. "We'll talk later." I gave a tiny nod and Hannah was gone.

What? What what what what what?

I spent the next three or four hours until lunchtime wondering how Hannah knew. Then, at lunch, I gave Steven some serious questioning.

"Steven, what do you know?" I asked him, before Hannah and Jeremy were at the table.

"I know the secret," Steven responded casually.

"Which secret?" I asked.

"How many secrets are there?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

"I just want to know what you know," I said. "Get talking!"

"Fine," said Steven. "Remember how I asked you who you had a crush on?"

"Yeah," I said. "How could I forget? You stole my pudding!"

Steven smiled a little as he continued. "And you said 'Hannah'."

"Yes."

"And I know that Hannah likes me," said Steven. "Because she told me today. And I now know why you don't like me anymore. It's because you're jealous." I nodded. "Hannah told me everything."

"And what about you?" I said. "Do you like Hannah?"

"That's..." Steven didn't respond immediately.

"Come on, tell me!" I said. I was getting super sick of secrets. I wanted to know everything, and I wanted everyone else to know everything. Everyone involved, that is.

"Yes," he said finally. He said it so quickly I would've missed it if I weren't paying full attention.

I sighed. "Well then... Well... I kinda knew it."

Hannah arrived next at the table, Jeremy following shortly behind. I said immediately to Hannah, "Hannah, you still like me don't you?"

"Yes..." said Hannah, clearly a bit confused.

"I can tell we're about to have an interesting conversation," said Steven.

"I still don't like you," I said to him. "And if you and Hannah start dating, I'm going to stalk you on your dates!" Obviously I was kidding, but I wanted to make a point that I would fight for Hannah if necessary.

Steven was laughing as he responded."And if you stalk either of us, I'll stalk you."

"Stalk me doing what?"

"Stalk you showering, getting dressed..."

"Agh! A perverted stalker!"

"Guys, guys!" said Hannah. She was struggling to breathe, with how hard she was laughing. "At least try to get along!"

"Get along with him!?" I exclaimed. I was angry, but smiling, since really this was hilarious. "That's gotta be impossible!"

"Hold on, let me sort this out," said Jeremy. "Anastasia has a crush on Hannah, Steven has a crush on Hannah, and Hannah has a crush on Steven and Anastasia?"

"Apparently," I said. Hannah burst into laughter again, and Jeremy was trying very hard not to. Steven had this huge smile on his face. "Well, this is the most interesting conversation I've ever been in."

"What about you, Jeremy?" asked Hannah. "Do you like Anastasia?"

Jeremy gave an embarrassed smile. "Um, well... I refuse to answer."

Hannah seemed very amused. "You're always talking about her, talking to her..."

"You have no proof!" said Jeremy.

"Would you die for Anastasia, Jeremy?"

Jeremy's eyes widened. "Well... I think that's going a little too far... Anyway, I'm going to hide under this table." He ducked under the lunch table.

"Well even if you do like me," I said. "It's only an annoyance really, since I'd never like you back, since you're a guy."

Jeremy actually laughed. "I'd rather not be sucked into you guys' mess."

"Whatever," said Hannah. "Anyway, us three are in a love triangle. I'm at the top point since I'm the one both of you are crushing on."

"So what, our lives are a dramatic romance movie?" I said.

"No, this is reality," said Hannah. "I think..."

"Has anyone but me noticed that there's some stranger sitting at our table?" Jeremy asked. We all looked across the table and saw some random guy sitting there.

"Oh no! We have a witness!" I cried overdramatically.

"Now you're just trying to make things more dramatic," Hannah said. "Other people don't matter right now."

"So what, everyone is allowed to know about this?"

"Sure!" said the random guy.

"You have nothing to do with this!" I responded.

A teacher walked by our table and gave us a weird look as she did so. Either because we were all laughing really hard yet yelling at each other, or it was the fact that Jeremy was hiding under the table. Or both.

"Anastasia, your face is really red!" Hannah exclaimed. "Yours too, Steven!"

"Does anyone have a crush on anyone else?" Jeremy asked from his location underneath the table.

"No," we all said in unison.

"I have a crush on someone," said the random guy across the table.

"This isn't about you!" I said, and Hannah buried her head in her arms, laughing.

During language arts, Hannah passed me a piece of paper.

It was a drawing of a love triangle, with herself, me, and Steven labeled.

"How will I ever decide?" Hannah said.

Today (November 6, 2013)

Worst. Day. Ever.

The day seemed to be going pretty well until the buses came. In the brief time between after we left our classrooms and before we got on the bus, Hannah approached me and said, "Woah, so much has happened this study hall! Steven and I agreed to start dating."

I must have died because I felt pretty dead.

And then everyone had to board the buses, and all I got the chance to say was, "What?" I must have heard something wrong. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be real. This was so sudden...

Once Hannah was gone I started crying. Megan, Alyssa, and Emma were on the bus with me. When Megan and Alyssa were doing something else, Emma was talking to me.

"What's wrong?" Emma asked. "You can tell me."

"Hannah and Steven... are..." I choked on my words and began to sob harder.

"Oh," said Emma. "Hannah asked me for advice on your situation. She told me everything. I told her I thought if she didn't want to be with you then you would be able to accept it since she's your best friend, but clearly that isn't the case."

"I can't accept it," I said. "Steven, of all people! He doesn't love Hannah nearly as much as I do! There's no way! And there's no way Hannah's in love with him! Why would she choose him over me?"

"Maybe just because he's a boy," said Emma. "And she doesn't want to be judged."

"That's awful," I said. "Steven, of all people! He's terribly annoying! And what I hate most is that I know Steven isn't really in love with Hannah! He can't be! Same with Hannah! She's totally crazy!"

"How do you know she's not in love with him?" Emma asked.

"Because she never acts like it," I said. "I never would have expected her to like him. Something just makes her think she does! This is so sudden! I must be dreaming! I must have heard her wrong! Maybe Hannah and Steven do have tiny crushes on each other, but there's no way they're truly in love! There's just no way!"

I slid down in my seat as I continued. "Just liking to hang out with someone doesn't make you in love with them. Just thinking they're nice isn't enough. You can't just decide you have a crush on someone by silly little things like that. When I realized I loved Hannah, as more than a friend, it was totally different. I think her about her everyday and imagine what it would be like if we were together. I love everything about her. We're best friends, but just that isn't enough for me. I want her to be in love with me. I want her to love me as much as I love her."

"Do you think she's in love with you?" Emma asked then.

"She's said she has a crush on me. But I think she may have just said it out of sympathy. In seventh grade, sometimes she said kinda flirty things, and I wondered if she was in love with me. But if she is, she doesn't recognize her feelings as love, but just as friendly feelings, or she doesn't think much about them at all."

"I'm sorry, Anastasia," Emma said. "I feel kinda guilty for telling Hannah you would accept it if she wanted to be with Steven. But everyone goes through a broken heart. And you'll find someone else, I'm sure."

I nodded, but inside I was shaking my head no. I can't accept it, no matter how hard I try to. I have to do something fast, before this goes too far.

Because I'm pretty sure Hannah and Steven aren't in love. And Hannah deserves to be with someone who's really in love with her. Even if it's not me.

Today (November 7, 2013)

When I got to school today, Hannah said, "Anastasia, Steven and I aren't dating after all."

I was crying as I often have been lately. "Huh? Why?"

"Well... for your sake..." Hannah was going to continue that sentence but I quickly interrupted.

"I don't want you two to not be together because of me," I said.

"What?" said Hannah. "But Anastasia, you don't want Steven and I to be together."

"No, I don't," I said. "It's not that I suddenly support the relationship, and I don't want you guys to be together, but I don't want to be the reason you break up."

"Oh..." said Hannah. "Well, whatever, we're not together anymore. But we might date in high school."

I didn't say anything. I don't understand why Hannah would choose Steven over me, for various reasons that I don't feel like listing right now, but I didn't feel like asking at the moment.

The overall mood of our 'group' at recess was actually pretty lighthearted. Jeremy tried to steal my lunchbox, Hannah went on the swing, Steven teased me, and I blabbered on about random things. It seemed like a pretty regular day. Well, what used to be a regular day.

"I still say Jeremy likes you!" Hannah yelled from the swing. She was high up in the air, smiling down at Jeremy, Steven and I, her hands on the freezing metal chains. At least I would assume they were cold, since it was an especially freezing day, and I actually needed to wear my huge thick red coat. Anyway, enough about how cold it was; I doubt you care.

"What!?" said Jeremy. "What are you talking about?"

"Yeah," a voice said from behind us. "What are you talking about?" We turned around and saw the random boy from our lunch table a couple days ago, sitting on a swing. (Was it a couple days ago? I think it was...)

"When did you get here?" Jeremy asked.

The boy thought for a while. "Hm... I can't remember... just a while ago I was standing over in the grass, and then I was on this swing."

"Okay..." I said. "Well, um, anyway, even if Jeremy does like me, I've already said it makes no difference because I don't like guys and so he has no chance with me."

"Aw!" said Jeremy, apparently disappointed. He was smiling though.

"It really seems like you guys like each other though," Hannah persisted. "You're always talking to each other, all the time..."

"Not that often!" I said. "And that's just because we have a lot of the same interests."

"Which makes you totally compatible!" Hannah said happily.

If she thinks I would actually date Jeremy, she's lost it.

...Kinda wonder if Hannah thinks dumping me is okay because I'll get together with Jeremy...

Towards the end of the day, Hannah approached me and said, "Anastasia, I've made a decision, and I want you to hear me out."

But I didn't want to listen. I walked away without saying anything.

I walked over to Hannah again during locker break, trying to figure out what to say. I stuttered a bit before finally gathering my thoughts. I didn't want to say anything biased. I didn't want to confuse her. I wanted to convince her of something.

"Look," I said carefully. "I... don't want you to make a decision yet. You have until graduation to decide what to do. I imagine you must feel terribly pressured, and I don't want you to think you need to decide as fast as possible. No one wants to rush you. It's a big choice to have to make, and you need time more than anything. You might like me one day and Steven the next day, and vice versa. You need a long time to consider all your options and all possibilities. You need time." I took a deep breath. "We all need time."

Hannah sighed, closing her locker. "Okay, I'm sorry," she said. "I will think about it longer and decide what to do before graduation. I do need time. Thank you."

I breathed a sigh of relief. I need a chance to win Hannah over. And I'm giving Steven a fair chance too. I need time to get Hannah. Because it seems like she's already set on Steven... but why? Still not understanding this...

The counselor told me to remember Hannah is my best friend.

Today (November 13, 2013)

At lunch, Jeremy announced that he was writing a story.

"What kind of story?" I asked.

"A romance," said Jeremy.

Steven suddenly seemed interested in the conversation. Until then, he had worn this expression of extreme boredom.

"And," said Jeremy. "the main characters are named Anastasia and Steven."

I pretended to choke on my lunch. "Now I'm horrified!" I said. "Really? Me and Steven?"

"Yeah," said Jeremy. "You and Steven."

"That's just gross," I said. "But I want to read the story when you're done. You know, so that I can criticize it."

"I don't think you'll want to read it..." said Jeremy, his face starting to turn a little red.

"Huh?" I said. "I do want to read it!"

"No, it went too far!"

"What did?"

"Um... well..." Jeremy looked totally embarrassed. Then I thought I knew what he meant.

"Then erase that part!" I said.

"But it's three pages!"

"Then just take those pages out!" I said.

"I don't wanna!" said Jeremy.

"Fine then," I said. "I'll still read it."

"You will?"

Steven started choking on his food, accidentally on purpose. We all looked at him, and he said, "I'm also writing a story."

"About what?" said Jeremy.

Steven then went into a long explanation that I wasn't really listening to. But I did catch on that it took place in outer space.

"Okay..." said Jeremy, which made me think he wasn't really listening either.

"Anyway," said Steven. "More importantly, Hannah, would you rather marry me and be totally rich or marry Anastasia and be totally poor?"

Hannah looked a bit frightened, as if she thought she might be beaten up if she said the wrong thing. "That's totally unfair!" I said.

"Well," said Hannah. "Steven, you're my friend, but Anastasia's my best friend, and..." She looked nervously between us. "Well, um... I don't know."

I'd expected her to say that.

At recess, Hannah did something I didn't really understand. I was saying something to Jeremy and Hannah said, "Hey, Anastasia." I turned around and Hannah grabbed my hand. I looked at her. "Isn't this nice?"

Holding hands? "Yes..."

Hannah stared at our hands for a few seconds and so did everybody else. Then she looked back at me and said, "Well, bye!" Then she stole my lunchbox and ran away with it.

After chasing her around the playground for quite a long time, she surrendered it to me and we walked to our lines because the bell was ringing.

"Anastasia!" said Steven. I looked over at him and saw that his arms were wrapped around Hannah.

"Hey! Back off!" I said. I shoved him away, which made Hannah laugh.

"Geez, I barely touched her!" said Steven, but he was laughing.

"Barely?" I said. "Your arms were completely wrapped around her!"

Then I heard him mutter under his breath, "It's not like I kissed her or anything."

I had been walking away, but I spun back around at that, and started to walk back over to him. "Don't you dare!" I said. "Or else... um..." I stopped to think about it for a while. I needed to be better at threatening people.

"I'm gonna do it!" said Steven, walking towards Hannah. I noticed Hannah take a few steps back. He grabbed her arm, and then I ran forward again and pushed him down on the ground.

Probably a crazy move against someone who had beaten a tough girl like Alyssa in a fight.

Hannah started laughing. "Wow, you're so defensive!"

"Um... well only for you..." I said, embarrassed.

Steven got up and wiped some dirt off his pants. "What, so now you want to fight for her?" Hannah looked from Steven to me and then back to Steven.

"Um... maybe?" I said in a squeaky little scared voice.

Steven soon had me pinned against the wall.

"Aw, you two should kiss now!" said Jeremy, who was apparently standing behind us.

"Ew!" both Steven and I said. So what, Hannah thinks Jeremy and I like each other and Jeremy thinks Steven and I like each other? Is everyone really that out of it?

Jeremy was probably thinking of his romance right now and thinking this might make a good scene.

"I'm not interested in boys!" I shrieked.

"Wow, you just totally admitted you're a lesbian!" said Jeremy.

"I thought we'd already established that!" I said.

"Please, Jeremy," said Steven in a sickingly sweet voice. "The more polite term is 'homosexual'."

"No, that's way worse!" I said. "Way too long a word! And don't you dare call me gay either!" I felt like that word was better for boys, and girls should be called lesbians. Steven was smiling at me, and it wasn't really a nice kind of smile.

Luckily I wasn't beaten up by the time we got inside.

A better romance story, I thought, would be between Jeremy and Steven. I would totally read that. And I'd be laughing the whole time. I should suggest he change the names of the main characters from Anastasia and Steven to Jeremy and Steven. And then change pronouns when necessary and anything else that didn't make sense. And then I'd read that one. It would be totally awesome!

Or, maybe even change it to me and Hannah. I would definitely read that too, and it would be just as great. 'Cept it wouldn't be as funny. It'd be a different kind of great. It'd be wonderful.

I should make suggestions on his story for sure. I haven't even read it and I know it needs a lot of work!

Today (November 15, 2013)

This morning, when Steven, Jeremy, and I were in the gym before classes started, I brought up Jeremy's story again.

"Fine, I'll let you read the first chapter!" said Jeremy. "I'll bring it to school when I get the chance."

"Good," I said. "By the way, I suggest you change me and Steven to you and Steven."

Jeremy stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes huge. "What? NO!"

"I'm not gay!" said Steven.

"But it would be so funny!" I said, laughing. "And besides, you tried to pair me up with a guy, so I'm pairing you up with a guy."

"Write your own story!" said Jeremy.

"Okay!"

"What? You're actually going to do it!?"

At this point, it seems to me that Hannah has already fully decided on Steven. She keeps saying things like, "I want to be with Steven, but I don't want to destroy our friendship." She keeps telling me she likes me back though, and I know this is because she's trying to keep me from feeling hurt. But I'm so confused, because Hannah's actions never fit her words. I wish she would state exactly what she thinks so that I know what's going on in her mind.

I'm basically prepared for rejection, but I know it's gonna be painful.

Do I have any chance left?

On the bus, I admitted that I was a bit upset about the situation.

"Tell Hannah how you feel!" encouraged Megan.

"I'm trying to," I said. "But she doesn't seem to understand no matter what I say."

"Don't worry, I have a wonderful plan as always!" said Alyssa, peeking her head over the set behind me.

"What?" I said.

Alyssa moved over into my seat, shoving Megan into Keijah's, and whispered, "Do you want to make Hannah jealous?"

"Um... I guess..." I said. "What is it you have in mind?"

"Okay, I may sound crazy, but..." Alyssa giggled. "do you want to be my pretend girlfriend?"

My eyes widened. That was crazy. Absolutely crazy. Hannah would never fall for that. And I don't want to lie to her. She'd know it was fake within a week, maybe even within half a week. My brain was screaming at me to say no.

"Sure," I said.

Huh? Did I really just say that? Am I crazy?

Alyssa smiled. "Cool!"

"Huh?" said Megan. "You guys are gonna pretend to be a couple?"

"Yeah," said Alyssa.

"Ooh, cool! I'm gonna tell Claire about this!" said Megan.

"No, don't!" said Alyssa. "This is secret. Top secret." Megan groaned.

And I sat there worriedly, regretting what I'd just agreed to.

"So are you guys gonna kiss and stuff?" said Megan, making a face.

"No, we won't go that far," said Alyssa. "We'll just act like a couple." She looked over at me. "What's 'girlfriend' in Japanese?"

"It's gaarufurendo," I said. "It just comes from English."

"Hm..." said Alyssa. "Well, look up another word for it." I nodded.

Today (November 18, 2013)

When Alyssa got on the bus and sat down beside me, she said, "Hey, Anastasia, I was thinking about the plan we made on Friday, and I decided we shouldn't go through with it."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Good," I said. "I was worried about that. It would never really work, it would just complicate things more."

"Yeah," said Alyssa. "And it was totally crazy." I nodded.

Whew, I'm glad she came to her senses.

At lunch, Jeremy was talking about Steven when Hannah walked over.

"Are you trying to figure out the love triangle thing?" Hannah asked.

"I've already got it figured out," said Jeremy. "Anastasia and Steven like you, and you like both of them, so you can't decide between them."

"No, you've got part of it messed up," said Hannah. She looked over me. "I can't just keep trying to protect your feelings." I had to try very hard not to cry.

"Oh yeah," said Jeremy. "I just remembered. Are you guys going to the winter dance?"

"Yeah," we both said simultaneously.

I looked worriedly at Hannah. "So... are you going with Steven?"

"No," said Hannah. "Steven is going, but we're not going together."

I gave a tiny nod.

I badly wanted to ask Hannah to the dance, but I knew that would only upset her, so I resisted. I was already completely knocked out the picture, I was sure of it. I wasn't even sure it could be considered a love triangle any longer.

I was pretty depressed, since I was already sure I had been subtly rejected. Maybe Hannah never said exactly that, but it was clear. No one needed to say it. Maybe it was another way for Hannah to save my hurt.

Whatever! I thought. I'll act happy. I don't want to upset Hannah, or make her feel like she's done the wrong thing. I need to act like I can cope with it and find someone better. I need to act like it doesn't bother me. I'll be fine. I'll always be the one who loves Hannah the most, and she'll always be mine no matter who she's with.

But I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I felt like I needed some sort of closure.

"Hey Anastasia," said Jeremy. "Are you okay?"

I shrugged sadly. Frankly, I felt like there was a void in my heart.

Yesterday (November 22, 2013)

I spent most of the dance with Jeremy. Steven was being annoying as usual, so of course I didn't want to hang out with him, and Hannah was too distracted by her other friends to pay too much attention to me.

At the start of the dance, everyone was taking pictures. I saw Jeremy taking a picture of Hannah and Steven. I ran over to Jeremy. "Take a picture of me with Hannah too!" I said.

Jeremy took a picture of Hannah and I and then Hannah ran over to Emma. I was about to follow her, but then I wondered how the picture had turned out and asked Jeremy to show it to me.

I did not like the result. Steven had totally photobombed it.

I chased Steven around until I was exhausted and then went to go find Hannah instead. Hannah was hanging out with Emma, Savannah, Jessica, and Alyssa. They were all spinning around on one foot. I tried, and ran into Hannah. I was embarrassed, but Hannah just laughed, so maybe I wasn't too bad at it. Most of my friends were wearing dresses, which looked beautiful when they spun around.

Jeremy ran over to me and held up his phone. "Check this out," he said. He showed me a picture of Hannah spinning around. The picture was a little blurred, which actually looked pretty cool. I smiled at it.

I bought a root beer and sat down next to Jeremy. He was sitting on a folded-up lunch table, and I found it hard to sit here since the seats were so slanted, but I managed to stay up there by holding onto a higher seat with one hand and leaning against the vending machine. Jeremy sat slightly below me, and he looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I said.

Jeremy looked up at me. "I'm bored," he said.

"Why don't you try dancing?" I suggested. I nodded to the crowd in the center of the gym. They were doing the Cupid Shuffle.

"I don't know this dance," said Jeremy.

I looked at him with a look of surprise. "You don't know the Cupid Shuffle? Well then, you have to learn!" I managed to get him on his feet, and pulled him out onto the floor.

Jeremy was completely lost at first, and he ran into me a couple times. But soon he was showing a little improvement, and he was smiling and dancing with more enthusiasm.

After the Cupid Shuffle, Emma ran over to me. "I heard some girls talking about you," she said.

I sighed. "People are always talking about me," I said. "I seem to be a target for gossip. But what were they saying?"

"They said you keep flirting with Jeremy," said Emma.

That got me annoyed. "Well, I wasn't," I said.

"I know," said Emma.

I sat back down at the folded-up lunch table to drink more root beer. Steven walked over to me and said, "Hey, Anastasia, catch!" Then he threw ice at me and ran away.

"Thanks," I said sarcastically. "I was getting hot from all that dancing."

Then reckless Steven jumped up on the top part of the lunch table and made the whole thing shake, spilling Jeremy's soda all over the floor. Then Emma ran over to tell a teacher, and she scolded him and made him clean it up. Serves him right.

Then What Does The Fox Say? started playing and everyone was dancing like crazy and singing super loud. Hannah seemed incredibly hyped up, and she was soon jumping up and down. I was staring at her, and I soon found Jeremy's hand waving in front of my face. "Hello?" he said, laughing. "You have this silly drunk look on your face. Have you been drinking too much beer?"

"I don't have any beer," I said.

Jeremy pointed at my root beer. "It's called root beer."

"Well that's different," I said, laughing slightly.

Then I noticed that my friends had started a conga line. I ran over and joined in, and soon we had almost everyone at the dance doing it with us. We cheered, and I was pretty amazed. We were the unpopular people, after all, yet everyone seemed excited to join in! Eventually the line fell apart, and my friends and I all talked about how totally cool that was.

Then when I looked at the clock, I saw that there was only another half hour until the dance was over. Hannah looked up and saw it too. "Hey, there's only half an hour left!" she said in surprise.

We were all really shocked, because it seemed like we hadn't been here nearly that long. "That's impossible," I said. "The clock must be lying." Everyone else nodded, as if that would really explain it.

"We have to live the rest of the night to the fullest!" said Alyssa. She started doing some crazy dance moves, and Emma joined in. They made a pretty good dance team. Alyssa tried to encourage me to dance with them, but I was too embarrassed.

"Um, I'm not a very good dancer..." I said.

"You don't have to be good," said Alyssa. "Just follow my lead." So I did. Eventually Emma stopped dancing and everyone walked back to the lunch tables, and it was just Alyssa and I, Alyssa dancing just fine and me dancing pathetically. But Alyssa was smiling, and so I didn't feel bad at all. I became tired after a while and walked back to the lunch tables with everyone.

"You know," Steven said to me. "you should at least try to be straight."

Well that was random. I gave him a weird look. "What would be the point in that?" I said. "I'm happy with myself the way I am, and I can't force myself to like guys when I don't. Why would I want to?"

Steven just shook his head, further annoying me. He clearly couldn't rebuttal that. It's not like I care about what the homophobes think.

Today (December 2, 2013)

Hannah has a new hairstyle, and I'm not kidding when I say she's complimented on it every ten minutes or so. It's been a week since and still people are acting like they haven't seen it before. Several people like to stand behind her and stroke her hair. Whoever sits behind her in each class gets a turn to that all that class period.

Not that I can say I blame them. It's not like I haven't been doing it too.

"Is it really that a big deal?" Hannah said as we came inside after recess. "It's just hair. And it really doesn't look that cool."

"Are you kidding?" I said. "You're so pretty!"

"Yeah right," said Hannah, laughing. "You're just saying that for the sake of saying it."

"But it's totally true!" I said. I was beginning to love complimenting her. "Just look in the mirror!"

"I just see an ordinary-looking girl," said Hannah. "Nothing special."

"Nothing special!?" I said. "Well when I look at you, I see a beautiful girl with sparkling blue eyes and silky blonde hair."

Hannah blushed, looking away. "Are you sure it's me you're looking at when you see that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" I said with confidence.

Hannah just smiled. I was smiling too, until I heard her say, "Maybe it is, because sometimes Steven can't take his eyes off of me."

"Well sometimes neither can I!" I said.

"Hm," said Hannah. It didn't seem like she was paying much attention to me anymore. But that wasn't the reason I was annoyed. I was annoyed because I always hate it when she mentions Steven.

"Well, let's go," Hannah said, taking my hand. I stared at our hands, because whenever Hannah holds my hand, I always get this weird tingly feeling in my hand that quickly travels up my arm and goes to my heart. Then my heart rate speeds up tremendously. It's pretty weird.

During recess Hannah had been trying to get Jeremy to reveal his biggest secret. That's because Hannah recently asked him if he had any secrets and he said he had fourteen, and Hannah, being the curious girl she is, decided to interrogate him on his biggest one.

"Are you a cop or something?" Jeremy said, as Hannah circled him at recess, trying to get it out of him.

"No, I'm a detective," said Hannah.

"What kind of detective does this?" asked Jeremy. "I haven't committed a crime and you have no reason to expect I have."

"Hm..." said Hannah. "Anastasia, give me an adjective."

"Attractive," I said, giggling.

"Okay, I'm an attractive detective," said Hannah. "Attractive-type." I giggled again. "So Jeremy, what is your secret about?"

"I don't know," said Jeremy.

"How do you not know?" asked Hannah. "It's your secret, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Jeremy. "Yet I don't know it."

"But you know you have a secret?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure exactly what the secret is."

"That's confusing," I said.

"I know right?" said Jeremy.

"So what you're saying is that you have a secret but you don't know what it is exactly?" Hannah said.

"Yeah, that's right," said Jeremy.

"Then how do you know you have a secret?" asked Hannah.

"I can feel it."

"Feel it?"

"Sense it."

"Sense it?"

"Yeah."

Hannah sighed. "You're way too hard to interrogate. If you haven't even figured out what your own secret is, how do you know that it's your biggest one and how am I supposed to get it out of you?"

"Maybe if you hit me on the back, I'll cough it out."

"Oh, okay." Hannah walked behind Jeremy and began to hit him. I just stared at them, and then the bell rang and everyone ran to their lines.

"He didn't cough anything out," said Hannah.

"I'm sure you'll get it, Miss Attractive," I said. Hannah grinned.

Today (December 9, 2013)

In language arts, we've been writing stories to be published. Hannah showed my her story, telling me her story was based off of real people. I flipped it open and began to read, curious.

The story was about a girl named Amy who had a best friend named Ellie. One day, Amy had to move away, and when she returned about a decade later, she found out Ellie was getting married to a guy Amy couldn't stand, John. Amy was very upset by this and felt like she didn't know Ellie anymore. Ellie noticed Amy's bad mood, and threw a party for her to cheer her up. Then Amy and Ellie were good friends again.

"Do you know who's who?" Hannah asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

At lunch, when only Jeremy and I were sitting at the table, I was being upset again and groaning about how I wish Hannah and Steven didn't like each other.

"But Hannah likes you too," Jeremy said.

"No, only Steven," I said. "She only ever said she liked me out of sympathy. And now she's trying really hard not to do that, and just be honest about her thoughts and feelings, which I think is what I originally wanted, but it's not much better."

When Steven got to the table, I decided to be super grouchy and said bluntly, "You're ruining my life."

Steven blinked, apparently surprised. "Well what could I do to fix it?"

"Nothing," I said. "You can't help who you are. It's not even your fault."

"Who I am?" said Steven. He looked briefly confused. "You're obviously depressed and stuck in a rut in life, so I advise you to cheer up." Hannah arrived at the table around that time.

"Cheer up?" I said. "How?"

"Easy," said Steven. "Imagine something happy. Like your dog, Yoshi."

I smiled a little bit, but then frowned again. "I'm still sad."

"About what?"

I gave him an odd look. "Everything."

"But what specifically is bothering you?"

I had to think about that. "Well... because you're super annoying and rude, and I don't know how Hannah could possibly like someone like you. You're not good enough for her. So... what bothers me... is that Hannah isn't getting over you and you two will likely start dating soon."

"And you'll stalk us on our dates?" said Steven.

"No."

Then Hannah said, "And of course you're also bothered by the fact that I rejected you?"

"Well," I said hesitantly, "I'm kinda realizing the relationship might not work out the best and be a bit awkward even if you did like me back, but at the same time, I wish you did like me."

"Why?"

"Because maybe... it could just be left at that. Oh, don't know. But I certainly wish you'd like me."

Later

I was working on designing the cover for my story to be published. I drew two little girls wearing cute clothes and with rosy cheeks, one reaching out to touch the other girl, who looked irritated. I noticed Hannah staring intently at my drawing. "What?" I said.

"How adorable!" Hannah said.

I smiled. "Thanks," I said. "I sure enjoy drawing girls."

"Especially little girls," Hannah said. "Don't you? You're always drawing them."

I blushed, looking back down at my paper. "Well... yeah. Little girls are definitely cute." I wasn't going to elaborate on that. I had taken a liking to drawing little girls in Lolita outfits, and I don't show those pictures to a lot of people. I spend a lot of time drawing them and trying to make the girls look as cute as possible, and sometimes, most embarrassing of all, I even kiss the pictures. I can't help myself!

Hannah giggled. "You're so weird." That comment made me wonder if she could read my thoughts. "But I like cuteness too." She pointed to a poster with fish on it on the wall. "Those goldfish sure are cute. Makes me want to stare at them."

"Oh, I see," I said. "Like your cuteness makes me want to stare at you." Hannah looked back over at me. "I'd rather stare at cute Hannah than at the cute goldfish."

Hannah laughed. "Geez, don't say that so loud!" she said. "Anyone could hear you!"

"Everyone is talking, so I don't think we can be easily heard above all the voices," I said. "And then again, I don't care if anyone hears. I'm not ashamed."

"If you're not ashamed, yell it out loud right now," Hannah said with a smirk.

I laughed. "No way! That would seem so random and weird!"

"Okay, then yell out that you're obsessed with drawing cute little girls in frilly dresses!"

"Agh, no!"

Hannah and I laughed together, as I colored the girls' hair.

~On the bus on the way home from school~

When Jeremy was trying to wave to me from the window of his bus, I tried to wave back to him, but Megan tackled me and held me down to stop me. When the buses separated, Megan let me up, and I looked at her strangely. "Why'd you do that?"

"Because you don't want him to think you like him," said Megan. "Duh!"

"But don't worry," said Alyssa, grabbing me and holding me close. "You're mine."

"Huh?" I said. She didn't hear me though, because my face was buried in her fluffy coat. Or then again, maybe she did and just didn't want to answer, 'cause her head was resting on my shoulder.

"Well," I said, trying to speak a bit louder, "he knows I don't like him, and he knows I'm a lesbian, so..."

"But you still need protection!" Alyssa exclaimed. "But don't worry, I'll protect you!"

"Maybe," I mumbled. Then Alyssa randomly started shaking me. Then she turned me around, and I went along with it, though a bit confused, and I felt her pull back the collar of my shirt and soon felt something wet running down my back. I reached back and grabbed some of it. It was a strange substance similar to jello.

Alyssa giggled. "I bought it! It's all slimy and cool, isn't it?"

"Er... why did you poor it down my shirt?"

"So you can see how slippery it is."

I turned my head to stare at her incredulously, and she just beamed at me as if it were impressive. Then she said, "You'd better get it all off of you and give it back before your stop."

I looked out the window and saw that we'd be at my house in mere seconds. I quickly began to pull it from my shirt, but even when I couldn't find any more, I felt like it was still there. I gave up and gave what I'd found back to her. She put it in this little container and put it in her backpack, and I quickly noticed there was some in my pants, and stood up to try to shake it out. Alyssa giggled, probably amused.

"You'll protect me, eh?" I said. "Doesn't seem like you like me."

"I like you!" Alyssa said. She grabbed me again, pulling me backwards so that I was practically laying on top of her.

"I need to put on my backpack," I said. "We're nearly at my stop."

"Okay," said Alyssa. She pulled a stuffed monkey from her backpack and made it kiss me before shoving me painfully off of her and grabbing my backpack to hand to me as I was pushed towards the door by her foot.

Today (December 12, 2013)

This morning on the school bus, Alyssa said randomly, "Let's play Truth or Dare!"

I gave her a curious look. "Um... okay..."

"Alright. Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Okay. Is it true that you still like Hannah?"

"Yeah," I said. Duh. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," said Alyssa.

I couldn't think of anything. I'm not very good at coming up with dares for this game. Or truths to ask, for that matter.

"I don't know," I said.

"Just pick anything," said Alyssa. "Even something that's not difficult or scary or anything."

"Fine. Jump."

"Okay, that'll work," said Alyssa. She stood up and jumped. "Okay, truth or dare?"

"Truth," I said. I didn't dare pick dare. Who knows what she might dare me to do.

"Okay, what's your sexuality?"

"Lesbian," I said. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

I couldn't think of anything interesting again, so I said, "What's your favorite color?"

Alyssa gave me a blank look. "You're boring!" she said. "Blue. Truth or really terrible truth?"

Well that was different. "Really terrible truth," I said. She probably wouldn't be able to think of anything really that bad to ask.

"Have you ever watched porn?"

"No," I said. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth." Figuring correctly that I wouldn't be able to think of anything again, she added, "You can just ask me my sexuality."

"Okay, what's your sexuality?"

Alyssa was thinking hard about this one. Then she started laughing and fell forward. "Oh, hard question!" You're the one who suggested it. "Well, I'm mostly straight, but kinda bisexual. Just a teensy tiny bit." She held two fingers just very slightly apart to illustrate how very little it was. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth," I said.

"Okay, do you have crush on anyone besides Hannah?"

"No," I said. "I've had crushes on other people before though... Truth or dare?"

When I got off the bus, I felt guilty. I'd told a lie.

When Alyssa saw Jeremy, Steven, and I at the morning assembly, Jeremy said to Alyssa that he was going to protect me from Steven.

"You'd better," said Alyssa. "If you don't take real good care of her and keep her safe, you'll have to face me." She raised a threatening fist in his face. She's been super overprotective of me lately. Who is she to speak? She likes to terrorize me on the bus!

"Why do you care so much?" asked Jeremy. I didn't hear Alyssa's answer, because the two of them had to walk down a different hallway.

All through the day, I was gloomy and regretting not telling the truth. Hannah wasn't at school because she was out of town, and everything seemed wrong. At lunch, the boys and I pretended my lunchbox was Hannah to fill the void. I amused both of them by flirting with the lunchbox. But I still felt sad inside. I couldn't get that lie out of my mind.

I had made up my mind by then to tell Alyssa the truth on the bus ride home. I can't stand being a liar. I had to get it off my chest.

As I walked to the bus at the end of the day, my heart was pounding with nervousness. It continued to pound as I sat in my seat, waiting for her to get on the bus. But more and more people boarded, and Alyssa wasn't appearing.

When Megan got on, she said, "I guess Alyssa isn't riding the bus home today. That's weird. She doesn't have drama club today, does she? It's Thursday..."

The bus driver closed the doors and I slumped back in my seat, my heart rate slowing down. I had to tell her as soon as possible. No matter how she reacts, I have to tell her, or I'm going to go crazy.

I have a crush on Alyssa.

Today (December 13, 2013)

This morning, I kept thinking, Today on the bus ride to school I'll tell Alyssa the truth. I glanced at my calendar and noticed it's Friday the 13th. I began to panic even more.

I was shaking with nervousness while I waited for the bus to reach Alyssa's stop. Then... the bus drove right by. Alyssa wasn't there. Agh! I was hoping to just get it over with!

In the gym, I explained the situation to Jeremy. He seemed rather amused by the thing. He's been following my life like it's a romance novel (one with near to no romance) and watching some of it happen, though mostly he just hears things through me blabbering about my problems like, "What do I do? What do I do?"

Steven was somewhat less amused. "You're not a lesbian. The right term is 'sexually confused'," he said, so I threatened to throw something at him.

"I'm telling Alyssa!" said Jeremy. When the bell rang and we all began to exit the gym, Jeremy ran ahead of Steven and I to catch Alyssa and I didn't try to stop him. Having him tell her would be less nerve-wracking.

I was gonna just go straight to my hallway and locker since Hannah wasn't at the breakfast tables (still on a trip, and she's missed a lot!) but then I walked back to see Alyssa.

When Alyssa saw me walking over, she said, "Hey, Anastasia, I'm not sure if this is true or not, but Jeremy just ran by me yelling that you lied during Truth or Dare and you have a crush on me." She gave me a questioning look.

I wasn't really nervous, but I decided to act nervous anyway, just to be funny. I stuttered a bunch and avoided her gaze, then started walking backwards towards the door to the eighth grade hallway. I bumped into someone, but ignored that. Alyssa was smiling a gigantic smile. "Anastasia!" she said, a slight laugh in her voice.

"Well Hannah isn't here today so I have no one to say hi to so I'm gonna just go now," I said super fast before racing down the hall. Once I was out of Alyssa's sight, I giggled a little to myself, which Steven seemed to notice, but he didn't say anything to me.

We actually had time to discuss things on the bus ride home, when Alyssa, Megan, Keijah, and I were all together. When Alyssa first got on the bus, she put her backpack down on the seat across from mine and gave me an interesting look. She was smiling, but it was more of a 'now, what were we talking about earlier?' sort of smile. Then she said, "I'm staying away from you!"

Megan and Keijah were on the bus at this point, and had no idea why she had said that; of course they had no idea what was going on between us. "Huh? What? Why?" said Megan, ever curious.

"Oh, so now you're afraid of me?" I said to Alyssa. "That's weird, it's usually the other way around." Alyssa was always kinda mean to me, but she's just playful and doesn't mean much of it.

"Okay okay," said Alyssa. She shoved Megan out of my seat so that she could sit beside me, and put her arm over my shoulders.

"So what's up with you guys?" said Megan. "Tell me and Keijah!"

"She has a crush on me," said Alyssa bluntly.

"Who?"

"Anastasia."

Megan's eyes widened. "You had a crush on Hannah, now you have a crush on Alyssa?"

"Well, I like Hannah more than Alyssa," I said, "but it's still worth mentioning, isn't it? ...Alyssa and I were playing Truth or Dare, and when I picked truth she asked me if I like anyone besides Hannah. I lied. I felt guilty, because I hate to lie... I had to tell the truth."

"Why do you like me?" asked Alyssa.

"I don't know why! Why do I like you? You seem to enjoy torturing me! It doesn't make sense at all!" I said. Alyssa started laughing again.

"How long have you liked me?" asked Alyssa. "How many days?"

"Oh, I don't know nearly how many days," I said. "Probably since a few months after I met you."

"Woah," said Alyssa. "And all this time I've been torturing you..."

"Yeah," I said. "Weird, isn't it?"

Alyssa started to bang her head against the seat, and I wasn't entirely sure why.

Then Alyssa pointed at her hair (maybe her head?) and put her head on my shoulder. Then she stuck her tongue out. When I gave her an odd look, she said, "Ugh, you don't understand sign language?" I shook my head, and was going to ask her what she was trying to say, but then she was playing catch with Megan using a stuffed animal. I remembered that time everyone was being so lighthearted and happy, the day Hannah declared that there was a love triangle, at lunch when we were all laughing and smiling despite not knowing what to do, and the thought made me worry. Because the very next day after that had been tragic, once everything had sunk in and things had really started to happen and change.

Before I got off the bus, Alyssa gave me an evil smile, which made me wonder what she was thinking.

Today (December 16, 2013)

On the bus ride to school, the first thing Alyssa said to me was, "Don't think I forgot."

I smiled bashfully. Then Alyssa handed me a cute stuffed animal, and I admired its cuteness over the bus ride to school.

Hannah was back from her trip today. When I walked into the cafeteria, Alyssa said to Hannah, "Go ahead. Ask her."

"Anastasia," said Hannah, "do you have a crush on Alyssa?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Oh..." said Hannah. "So she wasn't lying..."

"I told you!" said Alyssa.

I explained the Truth or Dare situation to Hannah while we walked through the hall to our lockers.

"I told you there'd be other girls," said Hannah. She had.

"Not that like me," I said. "Alyssa doesn't like me back. My crushes never like me back..."

"Well I don't like you back either."

"I know. That's what I'm saying," I said, confused.

"You should date Alyssa while I date Steven," said Hannah.

"Alyssa won't want to date me," I said. "She says she doesn't like me. And don't you think she would have been honest since I told her?"

"I guess..." said Hannah.

During P.E., we were doing these really painful exercises that I was no good at, and there was this one exercise where we had to lay on the floor and move out legs and arms in a certain way really fast, which was totally exhausting. The exercises were from a video that was projected onto the wall. The people in the video were super muscular and doing these complicated exercises no problem.

Hannah stopped moving her arms and legs and laid there on the ground. I did the same. "My legs hurt," she said.

"My heart hurts," I said. "It's pounding way too hard."

"Yeah..." said Hannah.

We laid there a while longer, and then the people in the video started to stand up. Hannah and I stood up and started stretching, like we'd just woken up from a long nap.

"I hate doing exercises where you have to lay on the ground," said Hannah. "The ground in here is so dusty. Does my hair look terrible?"

"Your hair is beautiful as usual," I said.

"Oh, stop," said Hannah, laughing. "You just love my hair don't you?"

"Sure do."

"So do you have a crush on me or my hair?"

"Both," I said.

Hannah laughed again. I walked behind her and started to run my fingers through her hair, to make sure there weren't any dust bunnies in it. "Okay, perfect," I said. "Your hair is seemingly unaffected by the dust."

"If you love my hair that much, kiss it," Hannah said all giggly.

"Okay," I said. I kissed her hair.

Hannah looked at me in shock. "You did not just kiss me," she said.

"I did," I said. "But just your hair." Hannah looked all around, probably wondering if anyone had seen that. That hadn't even occurred to me; I was only really looking at Hannah, and I hadn't even thought before kissing her.

Hannah looked back at me and smiled. "I wasn't serious," she said.

"I know," I said. "But I'd rather take that seriously. I just wanted to kiss you."

"You've been so flirty lately," said Hannah.

"Ever since you found I like you," I said. "A couple months."

"I don't mind," said Hannah.

"You'd better not," I said. "I can't stop."

"Hey Anastasia," said Hannah.

"Yes?" I said.

"You know you just kissed my hair after I was laying on the dusty ground, right?" Hannah said. "That's kinda gross."

That hadn't occurred to me either. "Oh well," I said. "I don't care."

"You could get sick from that..."

"Your hair wasn't that dirty, Hannah."

Yesterday (December 19, 2013)
I don't remember much of yesterday, but eighth grade went on a field trip to the Fox Theater. Steven and Hannah each sat on a side of me, and Jeremy had a seat far away. Steven and I were arguing, and I started to cry. Hannah yelled at me, but not at Steven.

When it was time to leave the theater room, Hannah was talking to a teacher about the fight. She kept shooting me mean looks. Then I lagged behind the school group and got lost from everyone in the crowd. I was panicking and didn't know where to go. I was used to following Hannah around, but Hannah had went on with Steven and without me. Then Hannah emerged from the crowd, and pulled me through the front doors. We ran down the street as fast as we could and found a teacher, who showed us to the bus. I cried all the bus ride home while Hannah and Steven listened to music.

After school I had stuff to do, like going to my sister Gina's school play. I ended up with no time to type up that day's events.

Today (December 20, 2013)

When I got to school, I ran up to a teacher. I had just had to talk to the counselor.

"Can I go see the counselor?" I said.

"I suppose so," said the teacher. "I'm not sure she's available though."

I ran to the counselor's room and tried to open the door. Locked. I sighed.

It would have to wait.

I remembered yesterday, Hannah saying she was trying not to cry. Steven wouldn't speak to anyone. Hannah cried. Hannah never cries.

About fifteen minutes before lunch (which was much earlier due to the field trip to the movies) the counselor came to see me.

"I think there's a lot we need to discuss before winter break," the counselor said. Today was our last day of school until January 6th.

I nodded. "A lot," I said. "I really feel like Hannah and I's friendship is falling apart."

"Your friendship?" the counselor said, surprised. Hannah and I have been friends since kindergarten, and rarely do we argue. Normally our friendship would be strong and solid as titanium.

But what's normal now? It's not just our friendship that's falling apart, it's our lives.

Before we walked into the counselor's room, the counselor told me that Hannah was waiting inside, and that she says our friendship is most important.

When I walked in, Hannah said, "Anastasia, are we still friends?"

"Yes," I said. "Mostly." It's not as if I can make it without her. I'm very dependent, and I rely on her.

"Mostly?" said Hannah. "That's not very reassuring."

Hannah had already been talking with the counselor for quite a while, and now it was my turn to talk. And I sure had a lot to say.

"I kinda wish I had never told Hannah my secret," I said. "It's what started everything, and ever since, things have been so messed up. When I first told her, I felt kinda relieved. But I miss the way things used to be, before everything got so complicated, when I could talk to Hannah without crying."

"But remember," said the counselor, "if you hadn't told her, you would be suffering inside of jealousy. It wouldn't stop you from feeling so awful right now."

"But at least I wouldn't be getting in the way of Hannah and Steven," I said. "I would hide my feelings and not bother them because then I would make it obvious. I wouldn't be seen as an interference. But it's too late to go back now and do things over. Things won't ever go back to normal. I'll be sad forever."

"You need to find a new normal," said the counselor. "Things are going to be very very different, and you need to reach some steady point that will become your new normal."

I nodded. Things will never be the same again. Hannah and I are probably going to grow apart because she has feelings for Steven. And we'll probably be separated in high school, and we'll just grow up and become adults. I never thought I would see the day where our friendship would become so unstable and loose. But now the world as I know it is gone, and everyone I know is a different person, including myself. I need to accept that and try to reach that new normal.

Maybe that's when the story will end.

How will we ever heal?

What if things just keep getting worse and worse? It seems like that's what's gonna happen.

What if I just keep suffering?

What if I'll never have anyone?

Who am I supposed to rely on now that I can't rely on my best friend?

Today (January 13, 2014)

We had a substitute teacher today. Our regular teacher won't be back until February, because she fell down a well and broke her leg. (Seems like a bizarre accident to me.) Anyway, I had something to show Hannah when I came back to school.

"I wrote a story," I told Hannah. "Jeremy's reading right it now, and he'll give it to you later."

"What's it about?" said Hannah.

"It's about me, you, and everybody. I'm a rich girl who's an ice skating fan, you're a famous ice skater, Jeremy is my servant, Steven is your boyfriend (cough-unfortunately-cough), Alyssa is a psychotic killer, and, well, there are some made-up characters too," I said.

"A psychotic killer?" Hannah said, her eyes widening a little. "Um... sounds interesting..."

"It's not very good," I said. "It was supposed to be a romantic comedy, but it turned out a mess of randomness. Just don't expect much, okay?"

"So why's Jeremy your servant?"

"Because I wanted one of the characters to have an unfortunate life, and I thought Jeremy wouldn't care too much."

"Okay..."

Anyway, I would summarize the whole story if I weren't feeling so lazy right now (and kinda busy...) Why, did you expect me to? Yeah, I'm just gonna skip to lunch.

Jeremy banged his lunch tray down on the table. "That was a really weird story! And why did you make Steven Hannah's boyfriend? You're just making yourself suffer!" he said.

"And making Hannah happy," I said. "I got to live happily ever after at the end of the story too."

"Oh yeah, you got to be with that other girl," said Jeremy. "But why didn't you make Steven suffer?"

"For Hannah of course," I said. "I thought about it though."

"And why was I suffering repeatedly? I almost drowned a few times, my clothes caught fire, I almost got hit by a car..."

"I like to see characters suffer in my stories." I grinned evilly. "It's so much fun putting them in painful situations."

"You sadist!"

"Did you bring the story to lunch?"

"I gave it to Hannah."

"Hannah?"

"Um, I forgot it," said Hannah. "It's in my trapper keeper."

"Aw, I wanted to see what Steven thinks of it. Oh well. Tomorrow. And I'll have Alyssa see it too," I said.

"Yeah, I wonder what she'll think of it," said Hannah, giggling.

Today (January 14, 2013)

This morning, on the bus

"About that story you mentioned yesterday," Alyssa said, "can I read it?"

"I guess so," I said. "When can you give it back?"

"Hm... tomorrow morning I guess."

"Okay," I said, handing it to her.

Alyssa flipped to the front of the book and started to read aloud. She made funny voices for each of the characters, which made me laugh. She made interesting comments on every page. She smiled and gigged at the funny parts. During the more serious parts, Alyssa stared intensely at the story. She read slowly, and we weren't even half way through before we arrived at school. I hadn't even started to show interest in the girl I end up with. Alyssa said she would read it whenever she had spare time in class.

During lunch, Jeremy was trying to convince me that Alyssa likes me.

"I refuse to get my hopes up," I said. "No one ever has a crush on me. Recently I'm just an interference."

"But why does she always get so angry when I try to talk to you? Why does she grab you and shout, 'She's mine!' when I wave to you?" said Jeremy. "Why does she get so overprotective of you?"

Honestly, I could think of a million of these. One being, 'Why does she always ask you such provocative questions? Another, 'Why does she always give you things?' And furthermore, 'Why is she so touchy with you?' And, 'Why is she so interested in your love situation?' Also, 'Why does she keep reminding you she's bisexual?'

But I always choose to ignore those things, shrugging them off as something else.

"I'm sure she would have told me by now if she liked me," I said. "She already knows I like her. And she's not shy either. At all. She's probably just trying to confuse me."

Jeremy giggled a little, rolling his eyes. "Whatever you say."

When no one was at the table, the seventh graders walked by, and I saw Alyssa. I waved to her, and when she noticed me, she ran over to the table.

"Hi," I said.

Alyssa stared at me for about five seconds. Then she said, "Hey, um..." She bit her lip. "Oh, never mind. I'll tell you later." Then she quickly ran away.

I watched her run down to the double doors that led to the seventh grade hallway. I began to get worried. What if she had really bad news? Like maybe she lost my story! Or she wanted to tell me my story is really pathetic! Or something else terrible! It was probably something terrible; why else would she be so nervous about telling me? I practically had a mental breakdown thinking of all the awful possibilities.

At first I thought I would ask her on the bus ride home, but then I remembered it was Tuesday, meaning she had drama club.

Ugh. I'll have to wait till tomorrow.

Today (January 16, 2014)

Alyssa hasn't told me what she was going to say. She was on the bus this morning, but she didn't say what it was. Or maybe she said it but I didn't realize that that was the thing she'd been wanting to tell me. Either way, I don't know what it was, and I'm not going to ask.

Today at lunch, Alyssa passed by again. She ran over to me and grabbed me, pressing her head against mine. "Hi, Anastasia!" she said cheerfully.

"Hi," I mumbled shyly.

Alyssa looked at Steven, who was sitting on the other side of the table. "If you or Jeremy hurt her... I'll kill you!" she said, squeezing me.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it," said Steven, rolling his eyes.

Alyssa scowled. "Well, see ya!" she said, waving to me as she ran off.

When Hannah came to the table, she saw that Steven and I were sitting at opposite from each other. She sighed, sitting down in the seat equally far from each of us.

Then Jeremy came skipping over, smiling goofily as usual. He greeted us happily, right before noticing that none of us seemed to be in the best mood. Hannah waved him over, and he sat down in the seat between Hannah and I. Hannah whispered something to him. He nodded.

"Jeremy," I said. "Alyssa says that if you or Steven hurt me, she'll kill you."

"Why would I hurt you?" said Jeremy, laughing.

"I dunno," I said. "Just in case you suddenly decide to try something."

"Anastasia," said Hannah. "How about you and Steven talk out your problems with each other?"

I nodded glumly.

Steven started to blabber on and on about following your course in life and blah blah blah... I didn't want to hear it. I said almost nothing.

"Good, it seems like you two are getting along okay at the moment," said Hannah. I looked down at my lunch.

As we walked out of the cafeteria, I wiped away the tears brimming my eyes. I'm not as jealous as I used to be, and I really feel like I'm moving on... but I can't help but feel so sad about the thought of Hannah and Steven being together. Recently she even emailed me saying she was planning out her and Steven's wedding. I wondered why she would say such a thing to me.

A teacher noticed me crying as I put my lunchbox in my locker. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her it was too much to explain. She told me to go talk to one of the teachers, who was standing in front of Hannah's homeroom. I walked over to her, and she told me she was busy but I should wait at the round table in the library. I sat in a chair facing the wall.

I heard Hannah talking to her behind me. "I know why she's upset, but I don't know what I can do," she said. She asked if she could get out of class for a few minutes to talk to me.

I heard Hannah walk up to the table, and saw her sit beside me. "Anastasia, I don't know what I can do, but I can't help but feel guilty seeing you so upset."

I started to cry even harder.

The teacher came over and silently sat down beside us, listening to Hannah and I talk. After a while, Hannah asked the teacher if she knew what we were talking about.

"Some friendship problem," the teacher said. "Involving Steven, I guess."

"Anastasia, can I tell her everything?" said Hannah. I nodded. "Okay. So this has been going on since... November?"

"October," I corrected her.

"Okay, October," said Hannah. "You see, Anastasia told me she had a secret she'd been hiding from me for a long time. It's made our friendship much more complicated... she said she likes me. You know, 'like-likes' me. But I like Steven, and he and I plan to start dating when we get in high school, but Anastasia is jealous."

"Oh, I see," the teacher said. "Friendship can be complicated, can't it?"

"It was never complicated before," I said. "It used to be so easy, but now everything is different and I can't adjust to the situation."

"Change is hard," the teacher said, nodding.

A few minutes later, the counselor came over. "You need to talk, Anastasia?" she said. I nodded, getting up from my chair.

"Can I talk with you a few more minutes?" Hannah asked the teacher.

She nodded. "Then back to class. I'll write you a pass."

The counselor and I walked down the hall, and I felt a wave of relief wash over me, just being away from Hannah. The counselor seemed pretty calm, and just that made me calm down a bit too. She smiled at me and asked me what was up.

I flashed back to seventh grade, study hall, one day when I was coloring something for a project. Hannah sat in the desk behind me, which I was grateful for, because she wouldn't notice how sad I was. I wasn't quite in tears, but I was stressed out, worrying if Hannah would find out I like her. Was I being too obvious?

And I bet behind me, Hannah was thinking about the secret too. She didn't know what it was. Yet. But she knew I was hiding something. She knew it from the way I seemed so distant, the way I suddenly seemed uncomfortable around her, and later, from verbal proof. I'd said I had a secret, but I wasn't about ready to say what it was. I was planning on never telling her. But the stress was too much, and it hurt so much thinking about my secret. I pressed the crayon down hard on the paper.

It snapped. The crayon, that is.

I wasn't worried because I had another crayon box with the same color crayon. I leaned over to reach into my backpack for the other crayon box, but my elbow hit the first crayon box, and it fell off the desk, a rainbow of crayons rolling across the floor.

I finally started crying.

Hannah looked over at me, having heard the crayons fall. I quickly moved to the floor, beginning to put each crayon back into the box. I cried and cried, until there were so many tears in my eyes I could barely see the crayons anymore.

Hannah got out of her desk and sat down on the floor, helping me pick up the crayons. "Why are you crying?" she asked. "They're just crayons."

It was much more than crayons. It was so much I didn't know how to handle it. It was not having anyone I was willing to talk to about this. It was fear, and worry, and just wanting to keep my best friend. And it was more than that too.

My teacher came over to talk to me. She took me out into the hall and told me she wanted me to start seeing the school counselor. She handed me a permission slip that my parents needed to sign.

"No!" I cried. I didn't want my parents to think there's something wrong with me. "I don't want my parents to know!"

"You need parent permission," she said gently.

I knew I wasn't being given an option, but I refused to take the slip anyway. So that night, the counselor had to call my parents to ask permission.

Leaving my flashback, I walked into the counselor's room. It was crayons all over again.

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Today (January 30, 2014)

This morning was horrible! I can't stand Steven anymore. He said some awful things and I don't even know where they came from. He's such a bully! He said, "Violence solves problems," "I'll get revenge in the form of blood and tears," and, "I've already damaged you emotionally, but I won't get too physical." WHAT!?

So I stormed out of the gym and into the cafeteria where people were eating breakfast. You're only supposed to be in there when you're eating breakfast, and I'm not allowed to eat breakfast (says my mom) and so I would just have to risk the chance of being caught without food. I couldn't stand to be near Steven a second longer.

Steven has been bullied and ridiculed ever since he moved here years ago, but that's no excuse for him to act the way he does. He has serious anger issues and terrible social skills. No one is going to be nice to him if he can't be nice to other people.

Talking to teachers never helps Steven. And asking to be moved to another room during the morning didn't work. From now on Steven will be forced to sit in another part of the gym, but that won't stop him from shooting me angry looks from across the gym or holding his anger against me. I can't keep away from him because we're both stuck in the same building.

I think it would better for both of us if Steven just moved away. Maybe if he went to another school, he could start all over and earn a better reputation.

I finally got Hannah's support.

Hannah said to me during fourth period, "This morning, I had an argument with Steven. I was trying to defend you, and he got so angry. You were right. He's mean. Go ahead, rub it in my face. You were right, and I was wrong."

"I don't see any point in doing that," I said.

"Well I'm gonna get revenge on that guy," Hannah said.

When Alyssa found out about Steven's behavior, she said, "If he hurts you, I'm gonna hurt him harder!" Savannah also said she was going to hurt him. And so did various other people, mostly girls I'm friends with. I think a mob is going to attack him tomorrow.

Steven said to me at lunch, "Don't think I'm out of the picture. I never will be."

I didn't say anything.

I'm going to stop talking about this now. It's too depressing. On to a more entertaining topic.

Today at lunch, Jeremy said, "Hey Anastasia, did you know the highest rank a Boy Scout can get below eighteen years old is the Eagle?"

"I think you said that before," I said.

"Well I'm in the Boy Scouts," said Jeremy. "A Boy Scout has to meet a bunch of requirements to become an Eagle. Do you think I can do it?"

"I dunno," I said. "Now is there a point to you telling me all of this?"

"Um... yeah..." said Jeremy, beginning to look nervous.

"Well?" I said.

"No, never mind, I shouldn't ask. You don't like boys, so..."

"Well now I'm curious," I said, giving him an odd look.

"Um, uh... if I can become an eagle before I turn eighteen... will you go out with me?"

I laughed, almost spitting out some food. "Just one date?"

"Yes. Just one. Please!" Jeremy said, begging.

"Okay, fine," I said.

"YES!"

I smiled and rolled my eyes. What a weirdo.

Hannah burst out laughing after hearing about Jeremy's wager. "You actually agreed to it?" she said to me.

"For some reason, yes," I said. "I'm too nice, aren't I? I should have said, 'Ew, no!' And now people are gonna start thinking I like guys... ugh..."

"This is hilarious!" said Hannah. "You like Anastasia, don't you Jeremy? You like her! I know it! Don't try denying it, 'cause I know it!"

Jeremy was eating an ice cream cone at the time, which he spit out a little when Hannah said that, and it dripped down his chin.

Why anyone would ever have a crush on me is beyond me.

It was really pretty obvious though.

"Hey Jeremy," said Hannah. "Is the reason you wanted Anastasia to go swimming with you that one time because you wanted to see her in a swimsuit?"

Jeremy almost fell on his face.

"Don't bust your head open, Jeremy," I said. "Trust me, the ground is hard."

"Really?" said Jeremy. He began to bang his hand on the ground. It made a loud thud each time, so it was obvious he was doing it hard. Way too hard.

"Well that's gotta hurt," I said. Jeremy looked dizzy when he stood back up.

"Hey wait," I said. "There's no one in the classroom. We're supposed to be outside for recess today!" Just then, the bell rang.

"Oops," said Hannah, laughing. "Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. Let's go back to class."

Today (February 10, 2014)

Don't have much time to type but I just want to put some of this down. It'll be a very short chapter.

Things have cooled down quite a bit, and I think they're nearly over. Steven is practically gone. He's not even giving Hannah and I rude looks in the hallway anymore! I'm generally happier than I was before. Hannah keeps reminding me how much she hates Steven and how she wishes she could burn him... or something like that...

At lunch, Hannah, Jeremy, and I are usually last to leave the cafeteria. I'm the slowest eater, so on most days, when Hannah and Jeremy finish eating, they wait for me. But today...

"I think I'll leave you two alone for a bit," Hannah said, getting up while I was still finishing.

"Huh?" I said. "But I want you to stay!"

"No, I really shouldn't be bugging you guys all the time." Hannah giggled. I didn't understand what was funny. She briskly walked away before I could protest anymore.

"Why's she in such a rush?" I wondered aloud.

"I dunno," said Jeremy. "Not that I'm bothered by it... So anyways, you only have crushes on Hannah and Alyssa, right? No one else?"

"Excluding fictional characters, yes."

"Some girl from a manga?"

"Yup."

"That's... not at all surprising."

Also, during language, Hannah told me she was hiding something.

"Huh?" I said. "Another secret? I thought those were over! Just tell me now and get it over with so we can deal with the drama!"

"Deal with?"

"I have a feeling it's something bad, and the feeling is scaring me badly," I said.

"Wait till graduation."

"Graduation!?"

"You'll live," said Hannah.

"Do you want me to follow you around repeatedly asking you to tell me and trying to get hints for months?" I said, referring to back in seventh grade when Hannah had tried to get my secret out of me.

"I won't tell. I think you can figure it out if you start paying more attention."

"Paying attention to what?"

"Just pay attention."

I huffed.

February 12, 2014

This morning in the hallway when everyone was at their lockers, Hannah said, "I'll be leaving school early at 11:15 today."

"Huh?" I said. "Why?"

"I need to take entrance exams for high school," Hannah said.

"Oh..." I said. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Steven, and I think he was listening to us.

"You'll be fine," Hannah said. "You'll have Jeremy to sit with at lunch."

"Ugh," I said.

"Hey," Steven said. "You should be glad I left when I did."

"Uh... yeah..." I said. "I am. But you're not gone if you're talking to me." I quickly walked away, unable to hold the conversation.

I heard him say as I walked away, "Hey, I tried to be friends with you!"

Well I didn't want to be friends with you, I thought. The friendship was doomed from the start.

At lunch, Jeremy talked about weird random things and we walked back to class together. I noticed some people giving us funny looks. I knew why. Hannah wasn't there, so it was just me and Jeremy walking together. And the sad truth is, whenever anyone sees a guy and girl walking side-by-side, they usually assume they're dating. That's how it was in seventh grade with Hannah and Steven.

I wondered if rumors would go around that Jeremy and I were dating. If so, what would I say? Would I tell them I don't like boys?

(Today) February 13, 2014

Hannah told me the secret today since I complained about it so much.

"I was trying to get you and Jeremy together," she said, sounding a bit ashamed.

"Huh? Hannah, you know I don't like boys," I said, confused.

"Well I just thought..." Hannah stopped talking.

I guess Hannah just doesn't understand.

I tried to talk to the counselor, but she wasn't there today. I'll have to try to find time tomorrow, before early dismissal.

Today (February 14, 2014)

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Alyssa said this morning on the bus. She handed me a valentine.

"Oh, thanks," I said. "Sorry, I didn't make one for you."

"Whatever," said Alyssa. "Just open it."

I tore open the envelope and pulled out the card. On the front it said, "Here's a clue..." and inside it said, "I like you!" Alyssa had drawn a picture of a cute kitty inside.

"Aw, it's so cute!" I said. "Thanks!"

"Yeah, no problem," said Alyssa, shrugging.

When we got to school, Alyssa gave some of our other friends cards. All of theirs said, "There's no doubt about it... you're absolutely awesome!"

"Now you'd better be super nice to me today," Alyssa said. "'Cause it's Valentine's Day, so today is supposed to be all about love. Therefore you should be extra nice to everyone, especially people you like."

"Well I'm not usually mean, am I?" I said.

"I guess not, but I'm just making sure," said Alyssa. Then she grabbed me and hugged me.

When Jeremy arrived at school, he gave me a dolphin necklace.

"Oh cool, thanks!" I said.

"I have something for you too, Anastasia," said Emma.

"What?" said Jeremy. He looked worried for some reason.

"Chocolate," said Emma, handing some to me.

"Oh, good," said Jeremy. "I don't want anyone else giving her jewelry."

"Well, I would've gotten her some better stuff if I had the time!" said Alyssa defensively. "I was going to get her some candy!"

When Hannah came for the morning assembly, she sat down right in front of me, giving a good view of her cute blonde hair. I found myself wondering what this Valentine's Day would be like if Steven were dating Hannah, if he had never bullied me.

It'd be sick, I thought. I'd have to watch them be all lovey-dovey all day.

I did still see Steven though. Every once in a while, I would catch his eye, and I'd freak out and quickly look away. I was supposed to be ignoring him, and that was exactly what I wanted to do, but it was too hard to avoid him entirely. At least I don't have any classes with him.

Today, however, was a half day, and most of the morning was spent watching movies. Coincidentally, I'd signed up for the same movie as Steven, so we were stuck in the same room for over an hour. I sat on the opposite side of the room.

On the bus ride home, Alyssa was drawing a picture. I leaned over her, watching.

"You're a good drawer," I said.

Alyssa looked startled and then a bit embarrassed. "Well... you are too, so it's no big deal," she said.

I was going to say she was probably better than me, but for some reason I didn't.

Hannah was staying a while after school since she was being picked up and the counselor wanted to talk to her longer. I was hoping the counselor would explain my feelings about yesterday to her. Hannah needed to understand that I had no interest in guys.

Today (February 19, 2014)

The counselor said she talked to Hannah about the whole 'trying to get me and Jeremy together' thing, and Hannah hasn't said a word about it since. It's a relief. But even though things are mostly 'normal' now, I can't help but feel worried about the future.

I came out to my parents last month, and they took it okay... mostly. Yup, I didn't mention it earlier because it has little to do with this story. Does anyone think I should post a oneshot about it? Anyway, the reason I say 'mostly' is because my mom seems to be hiding her disappointment. I realized it just recently, when my mom told my sister she'd better have a husband and kids when she's an adult since I won't. It sounded like a threat, and I'm worried about this pressure being put on her.

It's not like I think she's gay. It's impossible to tell at her age, anyway. She's only nine years old! But if she were... or thought she might be... she might greatly upset my mom. I would hate for her to have to go through an even worse version of what I went through. Even if she just ends up bisexual and marries a girl...

My mom's belief in stereotypes is annoying me too. She told my sister she can't possibly be gay because she's too feminine.

By the way, changing the subject, I had a dream last night that Steven started being nice and hanging out with Hannah, Jeremy, and I again. I felt sick when I woke up.

If I could only force myself to like guys, my life would be so much easier. But I know I can't change my sexuality, and I'm not gonna waste time trying. And I most certainly won't act as if I like guys to make certain people happy. I'd suffer because of it. Self-acceptance is a complicated thing.

I mean, it's not like I hate boys. They're okay. I like to have them as friends. It's just that I could never be in a relationship with one because I'm simply not interested in them or attracted to them.

Steven talked to me today. I felt like throwing up. Being around him makes me feel nervous and vulnerable. It was recess when he approached me. I was in a pretty cheerful mood, chatting with Hannah and Jeremy, and we were smiling and laughing together, when I noticed Steven sitting on the horizontal bar, looking grouchy. I didn't point him out right then, but Jeremy did. Hannah told us to ignore him.

"That's what the counselor said," said Hannah. "Don't look at him."

But it was hopeless, because Steven knew we'd seen him. He started talking to Hannah, and Hannah said she was ignoring him. I hid behind Hannah, but there was no point really, because Steven had already seen me. This was confirmed when he said, "I want to talk to Anastasia."

"Fine!" Hannah snapped. She dragged Jeremy away so that they weren't disrupting my hostile conversation with Steven.

"So uh... how have you been?" Steven asked.

"Better," I responded, trying to keep my answers short.

"Glad I left?"

"Yes." I stared off to my left, not wanting to meet his eyes. I noticed a small crowd had gathered a short distance away from us.

"Good," said Steven.

He said a few more things, including that he wasn't going to hurt me anymore, but I saw no point in listening. How was I to know this wasn't some sort of cruel trick?

I reported everything he said to Hannah, and Hannah said she'd protect me if Steven tried to harm me again.

February 28, 2014

This morning on the bus, Alyssa said, "Hey Anastasia, I'm gonna ask you a really personal question, but you don't have to respond if you don't want to."

I just nodded, knowing it was really nothing all that personal. Alyssa sometimes makes big deals out of little things. "Okay," I said.

"Well, basically," said Alyssa, "I was wondering... uh... well, what exactly do you like about girls? In what kind of way do you like them?"

I wasn't sure how to explain it. "Well..." I said, "everything... I guess..."

Alyssa sighed. "Okay, let me try to be a little more specific. Do you just like the way girls act, or is it the way they look, or is it, um... body parts...?"Alyssa's face turned red and she looked away.

"All of that, I guess," I said.

"Oh, really?" said Alyssa. "So does that mean you like..." Her voice trailed off and she laughed, seemingly nervous. "Um, breasts and stuff?"

And stuff? "Yeah," I said.

"Oh," said Alyssa. "Well then maybe I'm not that weird after all..."

Of course not, you're bisexual. You've told me and you don't seem to be questioning it. So of course you would... "Yeah, you're not weird."

"So, uh..." Alyssa looked back at me, suddenly appearing more confident. "I was thinking about coming out."

"Oh?" I said.

"Yeah." Alyssa didn't say anything else, and somehow it didn't seem right to say anything myself. Did she want to know what it's like to be out of the closet?

Honestly, I wish I could be even more out. Only my friends and family know. Most people in my class/grade don't know. There's a boy in my grade who's openly gay at school (though I'm pretty sure his parents know too, since he wears a pride bracelet. I do too), but I don't know how he came out to everyone at school. Maybe a rumor? I wish a rumor would go around that I'm gay and I could confirm it for everyone. How else am I supposed to do it? Run through the halls yelling, "Hey everyone, guess what? I'm gay! Yay!"? Or wear a sign attached to me that says it? Make a speech? No, definitely not. But somehow I feel like I'm deceiving everyone by not telling them. After all, these are people I'm around every day.

This one time some boys at school were talking in a group of about three or four, and one of them asked me if I would date them. I said no, and then they asked me if I would date their friend. I said no again, and then added, "I don't like boys that way." They got what I meant, but they only told a few other people (as far as I can tell), who wouldn't be likely to spread it around. C'mon people, start a rumor! Geez, I never thought I'd be so desperate for someone to start a rumor about me.

Anyway, back to Alyssa. Hannah told me at lunch that she'd seen her in the office crying. I was worried sick, but Alyssa seemed fine on the bus ride home. She didn't tell me why she'd been upset. She seemed cheerful. She made a dragon puppet out of paper and pretended it was going to eat me. Then she tried to make it kiss me.

"So would you rather kiss the puppet or Megan?" Alyssa asked. Megan was sitting beside me, Alyssa on my lap. Otherwise she wouldn't be able to sit in the seat.

"The puppet," I said.

"Would you rather kiss me or Hannah?"

"You," I said without thinking. Alyssa looked surprised. But it was true. Hannah had become more... oh, how do I put this... before she never really annoyed me, but now I get more frustrated with her. We've never really understood each other, and Hannah has some annoying habits. I seem to be able to relate to Alyssa better, and I prefer her personality. My feelings for Hannah are definitely fading. But there's still something for Alyssa. Some sort of burning curiosity about her, I suppose. She's more my type.

But I was off the bus before Alyssa could ask more questions. I think she's curious about me too.

Yesterday (March 4, 2014)

On the bus in the morning

"So..." said Alyssa. "What you said yesterday... was it true?"

"Eh? What?" I said.

"That you'd rather kiss me than Hannah."

"Yeah. I don't like Hannah as much anymore. She got boring I guess," I said.

Alyssa made a face and started to scoot away from me, then laughed and moved back over to me. "Just kidding. I'm actually not bothered by it at all," she said.

I just laughed softly.

In school right now, we're taking the ISAT (the state test). Our schedule is really different and Jeremy got lost and didn't know what class to go to.

"Just ask a teacher," I said at the end of second period.

"Nah," he said. "I'll just follow you around."

"I sure hope you haven't missed any tests," I said.

"Well... I don't think I did..." said Jeremy. "But whatever."

"So you're just gonna follow me around all day?"

"Uh... maybe..."

Today (March 5, 2014)

"Hey Anastasia!" said Alyssa. She stuck her head over the seat behind me and ruffled my hair like I'm a little kid. "I was wondering... what bra size do you wear?"

I looked at her oddly. "Um... I don't know..."

"Hm..." Alyssa stared at my breast. I looked away, embarrassed.

"I don't know either," Alyssa said finally, and then she went back down and came to sit with me. "So, will you miss me when you graduate?"

"Yes," I said.

"How much?"

"A whole lot."

"Isn't it too bad we're in different grades?"

"Yeah," I said with a sad sigh. I desperately wish we weren't. It's March, and that means we only have a couple months of school left before we have to say goodbye, perhaps forever, if I move this summer.

"Yeah," Alyssa agreed.

During social studies

Jeremy was sitting to my left, and a boy was sitting behind him. The boy behind Jeremy said, "Hey Jeremy, stop flirting with Anastasia."

"Huh?" said Jeremy. "I wasn't flirting. I was just talking about octagons."

"But everyone knows you have a crush on her," the boy said.

"Huh?" said Jeremy.

Well, that wasn't exactly what I thought would happen. I'd thought maybe rumors would go around that Jeremy and I were dating, and I could use them as an opportunity to come out at school. But instead, people simply believed Jeremy had a crush on me. They didn't think I had feelings for him.

I was actually sort of upset about this, because I wanted people to ask me if Jeremy and I were really together, so that I could come out that way. All I really had to say was, "No, I don't like boys." Or, if I wanted to be clearer, maybe even, "No, I'm gay." This boy talking to Jeremy was definitely the kind of person to spread rumors, so the chance of failure would be tiny.

"You like her, you like her, you like her!" the boy chanted, repeatedly kicking the back of Jeremy's chair. I could help it: I burst into laughter, and then Jeremy started laughing too.

Oh, and thank you for over 4,000 views! ^.^

One day recently (I'm sorry, I can't remember the date)

"Hey Alyssa, what are you drawing?" I asked, trying to look over her shoulder.

Alyssa moved to better conceal her drawing. "You can't look," she said.

"Eh? Why?"

"Uh, it's kinda weird..."

"Weird how?"

"It's really weird. Like, really weird," Alyssa said. "Trust me, you'd probably pass out if you could read my thoughts..."

That made me even more curious. "I still wanna know," I said.

"Well, it's like... kissing and stuff..." Alyssa said.

"Kissing isn't weird," I said.

"Well... it's not just kissing," said Alyssa.

"Who's in the picture?" I asked.

"No one you know..."

I was only further confused, but I decided not to bug her about it anymore.

Today (March 10, 2014)

"Um, Anastasia, can I ask you something?" Hannah said to me.

"Uh... yeah..." I said.

"Alyssa said this morning that you like her more than me. Is that true?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Oh, okay," Hannah said. "Just asking."

"Did she just say it randomly or what?" I asked.

"She suddenly blurted it out," Hannah said. "Before then, she'd been a bit quiet."

On the bus ride home, Alyssa was drawing again. She wasn't hiding it this time. It was an anime boy and girl kissing.

"Cool," I said.

"Thanks," said Alyssa. "I've been taking requests recently."

"Is this a request?"

I guess Alyssa didn't hear me, because she said, "Do you know what yuri is?"

"Yeah," I said. That's why I'm called YuriCore!

"Do you know what yaoi is?"

"Yeah."

"Well I've been getting some requests for yuri and yaoi drawings lately," Alyssa said.

"Cool," I said.

"I guess so," Alyssa said. "And oh yeah, I forgot to show you!" She pulled up her sleeve and showed me her bracelet. "It's the same as yours!"

I smiled. It was the same bracelet Hannah and I both wore. They were our 'friendship bracelets'. "Cool."

"Yup," Alyssa said. "Friends forever!" She gave me a huge hug.

Yesterday (March 13, 2014)

"Hey Jeremy, I was thinking about coming out to everybody at school," I said one day at lunch before Hannah sat down at the table.

"No, don't!" Jeremy cried hysterically.

I blinked. "Uh, why?"

"Because it'll bring the bullies out!"

"How unaccepting do you think this school is? If I don't tell people, I'll never meet anyone," I pointed out.

"Just don't do it!" Jeremy said. "Don't, don't, don't!"

"I'll tell whoever I want," I said.

Then Hannah sat down at the table.

"Hannah!" said Jeremy. "Anastasia's going to completely expose herself!"

"What?" said Hannah. She turned to me. "What are you thinking!?"

"Eh?" I said. "What's the big deal?"

"Expose yourself!? Show some modesty!"

Realizing what she meant, I burst into laughter. "Jeremy, don't phrase it like that," I said.

"Sorry," said Jeremy. "What I meant by, 'expose herself' is 'tell everyone she's a lesbian'."

"Oh, cool," said Hannah. "I'm glad you're becoming less insecure about it, Anastasia."

"It is not cool!" said Jeremy. "Sharing that kind of personal information with everyone could bring serious consequences!"

Jeremy noticed at that moment that Hannah and I were talking to each other and paying no attention to him.

"So how do you plan to do it?" Hannah asked me.

"I don't know yet," I said. "Maybe just say something that heavily implies it when a gossiper is listening? So that they'll overhear it?"

"Oh, good idea!" Hannah said. "At first I thought you were thinking about announcing it or something."

I laughed. "That would be strange. How would I even do it?"

"You would stand up in front of your class and say, 'Everyone, I have an important announcement to make. I have been thinking it over for...' How long?"

"A couple years."

"'A couple years, and I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm gay. So I have decided to come out to all of you. Any questions?'"

I laughed. "I wonder what kinds of questions people would come up with."

"I'm sure there would be some pretty weird ones," said Jeremy, who was listening. "And why do they call it 'coming out' anyway?"

"It's short for 'coming out of the closet'," I said.

"Why a closet?"

"I don't know, I'm not the one who came up the phrase."

"Hm," said Jeremy. "Well how about you 'come out of the closet' over the intercom?"

"I'm not nearly that bold," I said.

"I know how to do it!" said Jeremy. "Just walk into a closet... and step out."

I stared blankly at him.

Today (March 17, 2014)

Today during literature, a strange thing happened. A troublesome boy in that class, Jatahj (pretty weird name if you ask me), was talking to his friend Kevin. They both sit near me. The teacher was at her desk, probably grading papers, while everyone in the class chatted. I wasn't talking to anyone because none of my friends have that class with me.

"Hey, Anastasia!" Jatahj said, and I sighed. He was probably going to say something weird. I turned to him. He was standing beside my desk.

"What?" I said.

Jatahj got down on one knee. "Will you marry me?" he said.

Yup, weird. "I'm gay."

Jatahj's jaw dropped. "W-Wha...?"

"What did you just say?" Kevin asked.

"I'm gay," I said. "I don't like boys."

Kevin looked like he was gonna pass out.

"Woah, am I hearing this right!?" Jatahj said.

"You're gay? You're seriously gay?" said Kevin.

"Yeah. Seriously." I noticed some girls near me were giggling.

"Hey, I already knew that!" said Elise, a girl in my class. "She said before that she doesn't like boys!"

"So I'm not delusional?" said Jatahj. "I'm shocked! That totally caught me off guard! I was not expecting that at all!" He started rambling.

By then, everyone in the classroom had noticed the conversation going on around me. Plus, it was pretty hard not to notice that Jatahj had fallen over and hit his head on the wall.

People were talking about it all day.

Next was the pre-lunch study hall. Kevin was in the same room as me at that time, and he was telling the story to the students who hadn't witnessed the moment.

"I knew she was gay!" I heard someone say.

"How?" said someone else

"Something about her just seems gay to me."

"She wears a rainbow bracelet," another person pointed out.

"Oh, is that what it means?"

I told Jeremy and Hannah the story at lunch, since it hadn't gotten to them yet.

"It's sure to spread fast," said Hannah.

"Hey, I think a lot of people are staring at you!" said Jeremy. I looked up and saw that about a quarter of the people in the cafeteria were looking at me.

"Weird," I said.

"Well anyway, congrats on your achievement!" Jeremy said.

"You were the one who told me I shouldn't do it," I reminded him.

Jeremy laughed. "Whatever!"

At the end of the day, while I was putting my language book away in my locker, I noticed Kevin standing next to me and staring at me. I gave him a questioning look.

"Oh, I was just wondering if you've ever dated anyone," Kevin said.

"No, I haven't," I said. "Most girls seem to be straight."

Then I walked off to the bus.

Today (March 18, 2014)

Interesting day I guess. In literature, Jatahj called me, "The girl who doesn't like boys." That made Kevin laugh. I wasn't sure what to think. Then, during recess, a guy approached me to ask a question.

"Hey, why didn't you accept Jatahj's marriage proposal? Wouldn't you like to marry him?" he said.

"Not in a million years," I said. Hannah stood beside me, glaring at the guy (probably to creep him out).

"Why not though?"

"'Cause I'm gay," I said.

"Oh... okay..." he said. Then he raced over to another boy, Allen, and told him. I saw Allen gasp. Hannah was laughing.

"You're gay?" Allen said to me.

"Yeah," I said. Hannah laughed again.

"Did you already know?" Allen said to Hannah.

"Yeah," Hannah said.

"So do you know who she likes?" Allen asked Hannah.

"Yes."

"Who?"

"I'm not telling you, 'cause it's none of your business," said Hannah.

Allen stopped talking then.

As Hannah and I walked back to class, Hannah seemed pretty giddy. That was to be expected- after all, she hadn't seen anyone talking about it yet, and she probably found it interesting.

"Wow, it really has spread!" Hannah said. "It probably won't take more than a week for everyone to find out! And wow, the way you said it! So casually, like, 'No big deal!' And his reaction! That face!" Hannah started laughing again.

"It is amusing," I said, smiling.

"Yeah, and it's almost guaranteed to get more amusing," Hannah said. "From here on..." I nodded in understanding. "We'll see what happens."

Yesterday (March 19, 2014)

In math, Kevin sits to the right of me, just like in literature, by some freaky coincidence. Today he got my attention by pounding on my desk, then said, "Hey, Romeo likes you!" Romeo sits behind me in that class.

"I don't care," I said, not believing him.

"He wants you to go out with him," Kevin added.

"Hey!" said Romeo.

"No," I said.

"No!? Why not!?"

I gave him an annoyed look. "'Cause I'm gay. You already know that."

"Romeo already knew that too," said Kevin.

"Then what's the point in asking me out!?" I said.

"Leave her alone, Kevin," said the girl who sits in front of me.

"I'm not doing anything!" said Kevin. He turned back to me. "What if you were straight? Would you go out with him?"

"No."

"It's because he's Mexican, isn't it!?" said Kevin.

"Huh? No."

"Hey, everyone, Anastasia's racist!"

I groaned. Soon, everyone was saying I'm racist.

Today (March 20, 2014)

Thankfully, today no one said I was racist. My sexuality didn't come up either. It was a pretty ordinary day.

At lunch, I was spaced out, and Jeremy said, "Hey, what are you thinking about?"

"Eh? Nothing much," I said.

"What, something dirty?"

"Maybe," I said just to see his reaction. Really I was just thinking of school stuff.

"Tell me what it was!" Jeremy said.

"None of your business," I said.

"Does it involve Alyssa? You were trying to imagine her naked, weren't you!?"

"What? No!"

This conversation continued for quite awhile.

Today (March 21, 2014)

Today was Science Fair. Alyssa wore a cute dress for the occasion, and she even won first place. On the bus, Alyssa was drawing again. This time, cute animals!

"Aw, that's the cutest thing I've ever seen you draw!" I said.

Alyssa smiled. Then she handed me an adorable stuffed unicorn, saying, "Hey, do you still like me?"

"Yeah," I said, staring at the unicorn. "Maybe even more than before."

"Still more than Hannah?"

"Yeah."

"Do you even like Hannah at all still?"

"Mm... a little bit."

When Alyssa stopped talking, I concentrated on the cute unicorn, and soon found myself thinking of Jeremy. Hannah's been extra fed up with him lately. She says he's annoying. I can understand that. He often blabbers on about things no one cares about. Also, Jeremy's hiding something from Hannah. I thought back to the conversation we'd had earlier. It went something like this:

"Why do you keep being so rude to me?" Jeremy said to Hannah.

"Because you annoy me!" Hannah snapped.

Jeremy became serious. "I'm hiding something from you, you know."

Jeremy went on to say that no amount of money would convince him to tell her, and that trying to convince him to change his mind is pointless.

"A secret...?" I said.

"Yes, you could say it's a secret," Jeremy said.

"Oh great, a secret," Hannah said. "I thought those were over."

"It's not over!" said Jeremy. "It won't be over until everything is resolved!"

"And just when it seemed like everything was resolved," I said.

I looked back at Alyssa, who had a tiny smile on her face as she drew.

"It's not. Not yet."

Today (March 24, 2014)

Wow, the 40th chapter! This story is getting quite long. ^.^

And uh... this story is going nowhere, isn't it? Well, I hope that doesn't make it any less amusing, lol.

"Ugh, I'm so annoyed I'm not allowed to wear that T-shirt anymore!" I said. "Just because it has girls in bikinis on it... I didn't know that was against the dress code!"

"It's common sense," said Jeremy. "Don't you think if girls at this school went around in their bathing suits, they would get in trouble?"

"Yeah... but that would be cool..." I said. Jeremy burst into laughter, and I blushed, quickly saying, "Er, yeah. That's probably why."

On the bus ride home, I was getting unusually nervous around Alyssa. My heart was pounding so hard, and I kept stuttering when I tried to talk to her. I decided to ask her if I could hang out with her outside of school sometime.

So, I said, "AlyssacanIcomeovertoyourhousesometimethissummerorsomething?"

Alyssa gave me an odd look. "What? Slow down!"

I took a deep breath, trying to relax. "Um... I was just thinking, since we might not be seeing each other after school's over..."

"Oh, you want to visit me sometime?" Alyssa said. "Okay."

"Really?" I said.

"Yeah, really," said Alyssa. She gave me an odd look. "You're acting sorta weird. Are you okay?" I nodded, suddenly unable to speak. "If you say so..."

"Well, maybe I'm not quite myself," I mumbled.

"Are you sick maybe?" Alyssa said, brushing her brown hair from her eyes. I watched, fascinated. "You don't have a contagious disease, do you?"

"Huh? No..."

"You seem nervous."

"I'm always nervous. I mean, not always! Just sometimes. People get nervous sometimes, but not always." Why am I sweating? It's starting to get hot in here... I guess...

"That's true..." said Alyssa, clearly confused.

What's wrong with me today? I'm never like this... "Yeah, it is."

Alyssa turned slowly to Keijah. "Keijah, Anastasia's acting weird. I think she might be possessed or something..."

"Cool!" said Keijah.

Alyssa stared blankly at Keijah for a few seconds, then said, "Okay, if you say so."

I randomly started laughing. The bus stopped and I fell forward, banging my head on the back of the seat in front of me. When I put my head up, my hair was all static-y.

"Geez, Anastasia," said Alyssa. "Your hair is falling out. Must be 'cause it's so long. Almost at your waist. Do you ever cut it? It's such a mess."

"I hate getting it cut," I said, trying to smooth out my hair. The static was making it stick to the seat. Crashing into the seat had seemed to calm my nervousness somehow.

Today (March 25, 2014)

Today at recess, for some weird reason, Jeremy was talking to Steven. Hannah and I hid nearby, trying to eavesdrop, but they were talking too quietly and there were too many noisy people around us.

Afterwards, Jeremy said, "Steven was showing me a game."

"A game?" I said.

"It was probably a trick," said Hannah, "of some sort."

"How'd the game work?" I said, suspicious.

"Well, maybe it sounds sorta random but... First, he asked me to say the name of the first guy who pops into my head. Then the first girl. Then he asked me to pick a number," Jeremy said.

"Sounds like a personality quiz of some sort," I said. "Did you get some sort of result from the game?"

"Yeah," said Jeremy. "It was correct."

"Was it supposed to guess something about you or something?" I asked.

"Sort of," said Jeremy.

"But why would you be talking to Steven?" Hannah said to Jeremy. "You aren't friends, are you?"

"Well, no," Jeremy said. "He wasn't mean to me though. And the game wasn't hurtful in any way."

"I'm still worried..." I said.

"I don't think he's trying to cause any problems," said Jeremy.

"I hope not," said Hannah. "I don't wanna deal with him again."

I tried to remember everything I'd heard Steven say when Hannah and I were eavesdropping.

This game is only for boys.

Girls can't play.

Pick one.

Steven had been holding some note cards.

Do the same thing.

I didn't understand the meaning of it, but maybe it wasn't important. Still, I was curious. I hope Steven isn't trying to form a friendship with Jeremy. Or hurt him in some way...

Today (March 26, 2014)

"Hey, Anastasia, if I were a girl, would you date me?" Jeremy asked me today.

"Probably not," I said.

"Eh? Why not?" said Jeremy.

"I don't think you'd be a very attractive girl," I said. "And your personality would likely still be annoying."

"My personality is annoying?" Jeremy said. "How so?"

"Because you blabber on about random things no one cares about," I said.

"And what do you mean I'd be an unattractive girl?" Jeremy said. "I'd be bad-looking?"

"Yeah," I said.

Just then, Hannah sat down next to us.

"Hey Hannah, do you think Jeremy would make an attractive girl?" I said.

"No way," said Hannah.

"Huh!?" said Jeremy. "But... I have blonde hair!"

"I prefer girls with darker hair," I said.

"But Hannah's hair is blonde!" Jeremy said. "And you love her hair!"

"There are plenty of exceptions, but you wouldn't be one," I said.

"Also, your glasses look funny," Hannah said. Jeremy took them off. "No, you look even worse without them."

Jeremy put his glasses back on. "What about the way I dress?"

"Well if you were a girl, would you still dress like a boy?" I said.

"No."

"Then how would you dress?"

"Um... normal?"

"That tells me nothing."

"W-Well then-! Uh, what else would make me an unattractive girl?" Jeremy said.

"You'd be a very flat-chested girl," I said.

Jeremy started laughing. "Uh, what else?"

"Well, going back to your personality, you don't have enough confidence. I like girls who are very bold and confident in themselves and in their actions. Probably since I'm shy myself," I said. "You're not quite like that."

"He isn't like that at all," Hannah said.

"Ugh," said Jeremy.

"It's hopeless anyway, since you're not a girl," I said.

"Well, at least I can still stalk you..." Jeremy said.

"Eh? Do you stalk me?"

"Uh... not usually?"

~~Today (March 27, 2014)

In the gym this morning, Jeremy said, "Hey Anastasia, if you don't have a girlfriend by the time you're fifty, I'm going to make you marry me."

"I would hope I'd be married by then," I said. "And you can't make me do that."

"I'll trick you into signing a contract."

"I just won't sign any contracts you give me then," I said.

"Well then, if you won't marry me, I won't take down the spying equipment I'm hiding in your house," Jeremy said.

I knew he was kidding, but I said, "Spying equipment?"

"Like cameras and stuff."

"What rooms are they in?"

"Every room."

"Even my bedroom and the bathroom?"

"Uh... except those..."

"Really?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, really! I'm not a pervert!" Jeremy said.

"Really?" I said again.

"Yes! Really!"

Later, during lunch, Jeremy and Steven were talking to each other again, in the lunch line. When Jeremy sat down at our usual table, Hannah asked him what Steven had been saying.

"He asked if you two are going on the bowling trip tomorrow," Jeremy said. "I said probably since I didn't know."

"We are," said Hannah and I.

"Then he said that's good because he wants to beat you two at bowling," Jeremy said.

"Who ever said we'd let him play with us?" I said.

"I don't know," Jeremy said. "But anyway, then he asked if you two are going to do the dance, and I said yes. He didn't say much more after that."

"Hm..." said Hannah. I wasn't sure what to think.

Then, during end-of-the-day study hall, the intercom came on and a lady said, "I have a few announcements to make before dismissal today. First of all, it is time to announce who won the drawing for the prize." Oh right. Everyone who bought tickets for the dance early was entered in that drawing. "And the winner is..." There were some noises, and then, "Jeremy [last name, censored for his privacy]."

A while later, the door burst open and Jeremy was standing there, holding a bag. "I won!" he said. "Anastasia, I won!" I just stared at him.

Everyone in the classroom looked at him. Then someone threw something at the door, so Jeremy ran away. People instantly started talking about Jeremy.

"What does he think he's doing, coming into this class just to tell Anastasia he won? She heard it on the intercom! This isn't his study hall! Apparently he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to come here without a pass."

"Well he obviously has a crush on her. But still, he's embarrassing himself. He shouldn't just yell her name in front of everybody. She never even gets any attention, so he probably embarrassed her, drawing so much attention to her... Who does he think he is?"

When the final bell rang, Hannah and I met in the hallway. "I can't believe Jeremy won that," I said.

"He had as much chance as anyone else," Hannah said, shrugging. "Although I do wonder what the prize was."

"I dunno," I said. "Though he did barge into my study hall."

Hannah laughed. "Oh, wow. He must've been really happy." Then Hannah became a bit more serious as she added, "People were talking about him in my study hall."

"Oh? What were they saying?"

"They were asking me questions. Like if he's going to ask you to the dance."

"Like how would you know?"

"Exactly. I said I didn't know, and they said they thought he would."

"I think I'm making it pretty clear I have no interest in him. Wouldn't that stop him from trying?" I said.

"With Jeremy, who knows. But you wouldn't say yes anyway, right?"

"True, but... I don't think he will," I said carefully.

Hannah didn't respond. She just got on her bus, silently waving goodbye to me with her back turned.

Today (March 28, 2014)

Today was our field trip to the bowling alley. In my lane was me, Hannah, and Jeremy. Hannah won the first game, Jeremy second place, and me last place. Steven was out of sight, luckily. I guess he'd just been kidding about bowling with us.

"I'll probably do better on the second game," I said, "since I started to improve half way through this one."

"Yeah," said Hannah. "C'mon, let's go get something to eat." Jeremy stayed behind. When Hannah and I returned, I discovered Jeremy had been talking to Alyssa, Savannah, and Emma.

"What were you talking about?" I asked Jeremy.

Jeremy scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, random stuff. And then Alyssa threatened me. And Savannah pinched me. And Emma stabbed me with a pencil."

"That's not surprising," I said. "They're like that sometimes."

"Yeah, I know," said Jeremy.

But just a while later, Jeremy was back over there. So I wondered if he likes being hurt or something. Like a masochist...?

So I said to Hannah, "I don't understand why he keeps going back over there. It's like he's obsessed with one of them or something."

Hannah laughed. "You mean like he has a crush on one of them? Why would someone have a crush on someone who hurts them?"

"Well I didn't specifically mean in a crush way," I said, "and I don't think someone hurting someone would necessarily make them not have a crush on them. I mean, I have a crush on Alyssa, so..."

Hannah laughed. "I guess you're right."

A while through the second game, I noticed Jeremy staring at my food.

"Go buy your own," I said.

"But I forgot to bring money!" Jeremy said.

"Then get some from someone else."

"Huh?"

I sighed, reaching into my purse and pulling out a five dollar bill. "Here."

Jeremy's eyes widened as he took the money. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he said, bowing several times Japanese-style (but poorly done).

"Yeah, yeah," I said. Jeremy ran off to spend it.

Once Jeremy was out of sight, Hannah said, "Why would you give him money?"

"Why, do you think I shouldn't have?" I said. Hannah just shrugged.

I won the second game. Hannah was second place, and Jeremy was last.

"Yay, I beat Jeremy!" I said.

"You also beat Hannah," Jeremy said.

"So what? I just wanted to beat you."

Afterwards, at the arcade, Hannah won one hundred forty-five tickets and was trying to stuff them all in her bag, which made us laugh. On the ride home, Jeremy talked about what he would look like as a girl. After a while, he said, "If you were straight, would you date me?"

I thought about it awhile. "Probably not," I said finally. "You would have to really impress me and improve your personality."

Jeremy just made a face.

Somehow, we started talking about my stories on FictionPress, and I mentioned 'It's A Secret!'.

"What's that one about?" Jeremy said.

"It's about us," I said. "And stuff that happens in my life."

"I'm in it?" said Jeremy.

"Do I kill Steven in it?" Hannah asked.

"No, because I only write stuff that actually happens," I said.

"So if I did kill Steven, you'd write about it?" Hannah said.

"Sure," I said. "I could title the chapter, 'Bloody Murder'."

A little over twenty minutes ago, Jeremy called me while I was typing this chapter. I didn't answer the phone at first, but then my dad told me to, so I guess I didn't have a choice.

"Hello," I said.

"Hello," said the voice on the other end.

At first, I didn't realize it was Jeremy. The voice sounded like a girl's voice.

"It's Jeremy," the voice said then.

"Eh?" I said. "I was sure you were a girl! Your voice sounds so feminine!"

"Yeah, my voice sounds funny over the phone," Jeremy said. "Anyway, I'm reading 'It's A Secret!'. How do you manage to make everything sound so much more interesting?"

"I wasn't even aware I was doing that," I said. "What chapter are you reading?"

"I just finished Chapter 19."

"You read fast!" I said. "When did you get home!?"

"When my bus dropped me off."

"Geez," I said. "You read too fast..."

"Are you typing up a new chapter?"

"Yes."

"About what?"

"Going to the bowling alley."

"Hm," said Jeremy. "Hey, didn't you say that if I ever called you, you wouldn't answer?"

"I didn't exactly have a choice," I said.

"Hm, okay. Bye!"

"Uh, bye."

Today (March 31, 2014)

Apparently I was wrong in my assumption that Jeremy wouldn't even try to ask me to the dance. He asked me several times.

"Please, please, please, please, please!" Jeremy begged.

Geez, he's desperate. "How many times do I have to say no?" I said.

Jeremy whined. "Why can't you be bisexual?" he said. "Be bisexual!"

"It doesn't work that way."

"Sure it does!"

"No it doesn't. Trust me, I've tried before. I just don't like boys."

"Whaaa!"

At lunch, Jeremy continued to beg. Then finally, he said, "Okay, then I'll ask Hannah to the dance!"

"Ha, good luck with that," I said.

"Yeah, there's no way I'm gonna try that..." Jeremy said.

Last night, after talking to Jeremy on the phone...

"So, Anastasia," my mom said, "what were you and your little friend talking about on the phone?"

Little friend? "Stuff," I said simply.

"I was surprised you'd given him your number," my mom went on.

"So am I," I said. "Though I did tell him I probably wouldn't pick up."

My mom started laughing. "Wow, Anastasia! If you liked boys, I would think you're playing hard to get!"

"Well wouldn't do that to a girl... probably..." I said.

"Well I feel bad for him," my dad said, walking into the room.

"I can understand that," my mom said.

"Eh?" I said.

"You really torture him..." my mom said.

"No I don't!"

"Well, even if you say you don't like boys, I'm still not letting him come over," my dad said.

"I don't want him over."

"Good. Because if you ever let a boy come over... if you ever do..."

"I don't like boys!"

"Well you two had better not be in your room with the door locked."

"Now you're just being ridiculous!" I said, slightly disturbed. "And why would you only be upset about it being a boy? That sounds backwards to me. I wouldn't be doing anything like that with a boy. And if he tried anything I'd-"

"If it were a girl I wouldn't be concerned."

"That's so messed up!"

"Well, you being a lesbian and all, and least we'll never have to deal with unwanted pregnancies..."

"True..." I said. "But seriously-"

"Now, will you stop talking about Jeremy already?"

"Huh? I didn't bring him up!"

Today (April 1, 2014)

"So if I just ran around telling everyone you're gay, you'd be perfectly okay with that?" Jeremy said this morning.

"Sure," I said.

"Really?" said Jeremy. "So, I could just blurt it out right now?"

"Yeah, but you'd totally embarrass yourself."

"True..." said Jeremy. "But I'm gonna do it anyway!" Jeremy turned around. "Hey, everyone, Anastasia's gay!" Everyone just kept talking. "Hey, everyone ignored me!"

"That's not surprising," I said.

The rest of the morning went normally until pre-lunch study hall, when the teacher called me out into the hall, saying she wanted to talk to me.

"Anastasia," the teacher said, "are you okay with everyone at school knowing that you're gay?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Okay," said the teacher. "I wasn't sure, so I didn't say anything. You see, earlier this morning Grace asked me if you're gay. I didn't know why she would expect me to know, but I didn't tell her. I just asked who told her you were, and she said Jeremy did. Then I said, 'Shouldn't you be asking Anastasia?' and she said, 'Maybe, but that might be sort of awkward.'"

The teacher had already known I was gay because she's helped me deal with problems related to my sexual orientation before. I said, "Oh, Jeremy seems to think it's fun to tell random people."

"Okay," said the teacher. "I just hope you won't face any discrimination. And if you do, just try and stay strong, because no one can change you."

"Thanks," I said.

At lunch, I mentioned what my teacher had said.

"Yeah, I did tell Grace," Jeremy said. "And some other people overheard me too." He started to list everyone he could think of who apparently knows now.

"Well, I guess if Grace knows, everyone is going to know soon enough," I said. Grace is a huge gossiper. "Maybe we should confirm it for her though, rather than leaving her wondering..."

"I can take care of that," said Hannah. "Just leave it to me."

After lunch, we spotted Grace and Hannah ran to her.

"Grace, did Jeremy tell you Anastasia's gay?" Hannah said.

"Yeah," said Grace.

"Well, it's true," Hannah said.

"Oh, okay," Grace said.

"She kinda wants people to know about it," Hannah continued. "So we're sort of trying to tell people."

"Oh, cool," Grace said. She looked at me. "Good for you, being proud!" I smiled. "Anyway, I'll spread it around for ya."

"Thanks," said Hannah. Grace ran off.

At recess, I saw Grace run over to her group of friends and yell, "GUYS, BIG NEWS!" Jeremy tried to eavesdrop on them, but their voices had quieted down.

"No way!" I heard one girl say.

"It's the truth! Ask her yourself if you don't believe me!" Grace said.

Hannah, Jeremy and I gathered in our usual spot beside the horizontal bar, and after a while, a couple girls approached us. Before they could even say anything, Hannah said, "It's true."

"You're a lesbian?" one girl said. I nodded. "Oh, okay!" They ran away.

Then, at end-of-the-day locker break, I walked out to my locker to see Jeremy standing there talking to Gabe.

"Oh, she's here!" said Jeremy. "Just ask her!"

"No," said Gabe.

"You said you didn't believe me," Jeremy said.

Gabe sighed, turning around. "Are you bi?"

"Huh? No..." I said.

"Ha!" said Gabe.

"No, she's a lesbian!" Jeremy said, shaking his head. "Aren't you?"

"Yes..." I said.

Gabe looked confused. "Hey, wait a second-!" he said.

"Gabe, why are you yelling?" my teacher said.

"I'm not yelling, I'm having a discussion!" Gabe said. The teacher waved him over, and Jeremy and I walked to her with him.

"So what's up?" the teacher said.

"Jeremy said Anastasia's gay," Gabe explained.

"You said you thought I was bi..." I said, a bit confused.

"Whatever," said Gabe.

"Why were you screaming?" my teacher asked next.

"Just 'cause," Gabe said. "I mean, it's not like I have a problem with gay people. I have gay family members."

"Okay," my teacher said. Jordan, who was standing beside me, looked at me strangely. I guess he'd been listening to the conversation.

After that, back in the classroom, Gabe was talking to some of his friends. "She really is!" he said to Elise, who had already heard anyway. Then he noticed me and said, "Hey, Anastasia, how gay are you? Like, are you completely gay, or just part gay?"

"I'm completely gay," I said. "I only like girls."

"You hear that?" Gabe said to another one of his friends. Then he looked back at me and said, "I totally get ya. Girls got the stuff!" I gave an embarrassed smile, and Gabe continued to talk to his friends about random things.

On the bus...

"You know, I'm completely sure who I am now," Alyssa said to me.

"Who you are?" I said, curious.

"Yeah. Like, remember what we were talking about just a while ago?"

"Uh... no?"

Alyssa grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. "Geez, how quickly do you forget things!?"

"Oh, you mean sexuality?" I said.

"YES! DUH!" Alyssa said. "I've come to the conclusion that I'm about 75% straight and 25% lesbian. Like, I usually like boys, but every once and a while I think I like girls."

"Hm," I said. "Well, I don't see how anyone could like girls 0%. They're pretty irresistible."

Alyssa grinned. "So, what exactly do you like about girls?"

"You've asked that before," I pointed out.

"Your answer was very vague," Alyssa said.

"Uh, well..." I said, trying to think of a better answer than I'd given last time. "Girls are... well, first of all, they're prettier than boys are..."

Alyssa laughed. "Boys aren't supposed to be pretty."

"I know, but that's not attractive to me... Girls are fascinating. And I've always felt like if I were in a relationship with a girl, we'd be closer than if we were different genders. Girls understand each other well."

"Yeah... that makes sense..." Alyssa said. Then she was quiet.

Today (April 7, 2014)

Today at the end of lunch, Catherine, (this totally pretty girl who's in my grade) came up to my lunch table when just Jeremy and I were sitting there. I knew instantly why she was here.

"Hey, Anastasia?" Catherine said. "Who do you like?"

"Right now she likes Hannah and this girl in seventh grade named Alyssa," Jeremy said.

"Hey, let her talk for herself," said Catherine to Jeremy. Then, turning back to me, she said, "Is that true?"

"Yes," I said.

"So, are you, like..."

Catherine's voice trailed off, so I finished for her. "Gay? Yes."

Catherine's eyes widened a little, and she said, "So, are you like, completely gay, or just bi?"

"Completely gay."

"Unfortunately," said Jeremy.

"So did you ask Hannah out?" Catherine said.

"Well, sort of..."

"What did she say?"

"Basically, no."

"Hm," said Catherine. Then Hannah came to the table with an ice cream ticket, which she handed to me. Catherine quickly left.

Apparently this is spreading around fast.

By the way... not too long ago, Gabe asked me, "Why'd you decide to go gay?" What does that even mean? It definitely wasn't a decision. Liking girls comes very naturally to me. Maybe it's hard for straight people to understand.

Today and other recent days (Today is April 23, 2014)

First of all, recently I've been having a lot of dreams related to sex, which are rather entertaining (and/or disturbing). In one, my dad was trying to talk to me about safe sex. In another, my dad bought me... um... a pornographic magazine...

...

In another, my sister and I were watching lesbian porn together. Seriously!? She's only nine years old! And... seemed to be enjoying it more than me... O.o

Besides having a lot of sexual dreams, I've had lots of dreams related to my parents trying to get to know me better. Maybe because I wish they really did know me better... My mom especially, totally doesn't understand me. However, most of these dreams focus on my dad. In a recent one, my dad asked me what kinds of girls I was interested in. Then he was trying to give me flirting advice. O.o Then he interrogated me to try to figure out who I have a crush on...

On other notes... the school dance is in ten days. I still don't have a dress because I'm picky. A lot of dresses I've found are too sparkly. I kinda wish I could dress like the boys for the dance. Sigh... My parents seem convinced I'm transgender, but I might've finally convinced them otherwise.

Jeremy recently asked me what he should wear to the dance.

"Clothes," I said.

"Can you be more specific!?"

"Wear a maid outfit."

Hannah burst into laughter.

"Er, I'll be your maid, but I'm not going to wear a maid outfit..." Jeremy said. "Yes! I'll call you Ms. Anastasia!"

"Mistress Anastasia is better," I said.

"Oh, that's pretty," said Jeremy. "But too difficult to pronounce."

"No it isn't... How about Anastasia-sama?"

"Anastasia-sama!" Jeremy said, grinning.

"You're going to be her maid?" said Hannah.

"Yup!" said Jeremy cheerfully.

At recess, after I finished eating my ice cream bar, I had to throw away the stick, but was too lazy to walk all the way to the trash can several yards away.

"Hey, Jeremy," I said. "Throw away this stick." I held it out.

Jeremy took it. "Anything for you!" He raced towards the trash can, and I walked back to Hannah.

"Jeremy is off throwing away my ice cream stick for me," I stated.

Hannah laughed. "Wow, he is like a maid!"

At the end of the school day, my dad picked me up. Jeremy approached him before getting on the bus.

"Hi!" said Jeremy. "I'm that annoying boy who follows Anastasia around everywhere!"

"Oh yeah, you," said my dad. "Anastasia doesn't talk about you at home that much, so you really need to step up your game."

Jeremy made a strange face and walked to his bus. As my dad and I were walking to the car, I said, "Jeremy is my maid now."

"Your maid?" my dad said. "Do you pay him?"

"No, he works for free."

"So you don't, like, pay him in kisses or anything?"

"No, of course not!"

"So... you let him kiss you?"

"No! And if he did that, I would run away!"

My dad laughed and said, "Run away? Ha."

One day a couple weeks ago

It was the eighth grade dance. I was wearing a new dress and shoes, and carried a purse with some money, just in case I had to pay extra for snacks and drinks. My mom, sister (Gina) and I were in the car, parked in front of the school.

"I want to see Jeremy!" Gina said, bouncing up and down in her seat.

"Don't embarrass Anastasia in front of her friends," my mom warned her.

"I won't!" Gina said. "I just want to see him!" She looked at me. "He sounds weird, sending you all those funny emails!"

My mom knew about those, and I noticed her let out a little chuckle. Jeremy kept sending me flirty emails. About half of them were complimenting me, and the other half were begging me to go out with him. I knew my mom felt sympathetic for him, but I was unfazed by his behavior. I had made it very clear to him that he had no chance with me, and that was that.

When the three of us walked inside, I looked around for friends, but found none. Actually, Jeremy and Hannah were my only friends attending this dance. Most of my friends are in other grades. And it seemed I was the first of the trio to arrive.

But Jeremy arrived immediately after. "Hi," he said, walking up to me. He looked down at my dress, then back up to meet my eyes. "I told you you'd look cute!" My mom and sister quickly left.

"And I still don't believe you," I said. It's not as if I put much effort into my appearance anyway. I don't really care about looking nice. Except I don't want to get fat. But besides that.

Jeremy laughed. "C'mon."

I followed Jeremy over to a table. It was decorated with a deep blue table cloth and had decorations placed on it. Jeremy picked up one of the fake gold coins from the table. "They're chocolate coins. See?" He unwrapped one and held it up to me to see.

I nodded slowly. It was strange to be alone with Jeremy. Well, sort of alone. I picked up another chocolate coin and began to unwrap it.

"Oh, and the table over there has drinks and sandwiches and other snacks," Jeremy said, pointing to a table with some people standing beside it. "It's all free too!"

Well, I wasn't really surprised that Jeremy would be focused on the food.

When Hannah arrived, we started taking pictures.

"You get in too, Jeremy," Hannah said.

"Yay, I feel so included!" Jeremy said, racing over to stand beside me.

Of course, Jeremy wanted us to get food next. So we got some snacks and ate them at one of the tables with the chocolate coins, and then Jeremy said he could do the waltz.

"Really?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yup!" said Jeremy. "C'mon, I'll teach you."

Hesitantly, I stood up, and let Jeremy lead me into an open area.

"The girl has to put her arms around the guy's neck," Jeremy said.

I did just that. "Like this?" I said.

Jeremy didn't respond, and his face turned very red. There was a long, awkward silence, and then I let go.

"Uh, I don't think I want to do this after all," I said.

Jeremy frowned, and looked away.

Later, the three of us tossed around balloons. At first just me and Jeremy, and later Hannah joined in. Jeremy sung some songs, and Hannah and I danced together.

"Please dance with me!" Jeremy later pleaded on his knees.

"How many times must I say no?" I said.

Jeremy grumbled, then looked over at Hannah, who was holding up her phone. "Hey, are you taking a video of this!?"

Hannah giggled. "No, I just took a picture."

Jeremy went right back to pleading.

The fact that Jeremy was on his knees in front of me got us a lot of curious looks. One boy, DeCarlos, came over and took Jeremy's place on the floor, as if Jeremy's pleading had inspired him to do the same thing.

"Anastasia!" he said. "I love you!"

"Well that's too bad," I said, rolling my eyes. DeCarlos has always acted like he has a crush on me, now that I think about it, but I don't really care if he does. He even asked me out last year. Of course, I said no.

"But Anastasia!" said DeCarlos. He grabbed my hand, and I quickly pulled away. Hannah and Jeremy appeared amused. DeCarlos is the most annoying boy I've ever met... well, besides Steven.

A few days later

Today I was moving. It would be my last day riding the bus. After that, my parents would have to drive me to and from school, because the new house was too far away from the school for me to continue riding the bus.

"I'm going to miss you so much!" I said to Alyssa.

Alyssa grinned. "'Cause you're so totally into me that you can't leave me?"

I blushed. "Um, kinda..."

"I'm leaving," Alyssa said, moving over into the seat across from mine. Megan was sitting over there.

"Eh? Why?" I said, a bit whinily. "This is going to be our last day together!"

"Well, I'm afraid you might try to molest me or something," Alyssa said.

"I won't!" I said.

"If you think Anastasia's going to molest me, raise your hand!" Alyssa said. Alyssa and Megan raised their hands, and I didn't. "Two to one!"

"If you think Anastasia's going to kidnap me, raise your hand!" Alyssa said. Again, Alyssa and Megan both raised their hands, and I didn't. "Two to one, again!"

"If you think Anastasia's a pervert, raise your hand!" Alyssa said. This time, all three of us raised our hands.

"Anastasia's raising her hand!" Megan shrieked. Alyssa looked over at me and burst into uncontrollable laughter. I looked away, embarrassed.

"I knew it!" Alyssa said. "And now I have proof!"

A while later, Alyssa was back in the same seat as me, and Megan wasn't paying much attention to us. Alyssa asked me a very strange question: "What kinds of stuff happens in your sexual fantasies?"

"What?" I said, blushing. "That's personal!"

"Aw, c'mon, tell me!" Alyssa said. "At least tell me who you have sexual thoughts about."

"Not you," I said. "If that's what you're thinking."

Alyssa suddenly got very serious. "If you don't tell me, I'm going to cry!"

"Is it really that big a deal?" I said, a bit confused.

"Yes! I want to know exactly what kind of dirty stuff you think about!" Alyssa said, a determined look on her face.

"But why?" I said.

"I don't know!" Alyssa said. "I just really want to know, for some weird reason! It matters to me!" Alyssa looked as if she might actually cry, which was extremely rare for Alyssa.

Overwhelmed and a little sympathetic, I said, "Alyssa, what exactly is it that you want to know? Could you ask a yes-or-no question? Maybe if you were more specific-"

"Just tell me! At least who!" Alyssa demanded. "Please! Please! Please!"

The bus stopped in front of my house. My last time on the bus... and I don't want to leave Alyssa like this...

"Alyssa," I said, standing up. "I have to go now."

"Goodbye." Alyssa grumbled bitterly. "See ya someday."

A few days ago (May 28, 2014)

Hannah, Jeremy, and I were outside at school, just talking and hanging out, when all of a sudden, Steven had to come and ruin my day.

I don't even remember how the conversation got so ugly, but it did.

"You're a bully, Steven!" Hannah said. "The only reason I left you was because you were bullying Anastasia!"

"Me? No, you've got it all wrong!" Steven argued. "I wasn't the one bullying her, she was the one bullying me!" He pointed an accusing finger at me. "She may seem nice, but it's all just an act! She's a terrible, cruel person, and a terrible friend too!"

"Anastasia isn't like that!" Hannah said. "I've known her for nine years, and she's a wonderful friend! She would never hurt a fly!" She narrowed her eyes and scowled. "You made her cry, Steven. Remember that?"

Steven looked at me, and I became more frightened. "Don't you remember what you did!?" he said, angry. I shook my head. "You seriously don't remember!?"

"She doesn't remember because she didn't do anything!" Hannah said. "You're just making things up because you don't want to believe you've done anything wrong! But you did! And we don't want anything to do with you anymore!"

Jeremy stood there, looking back and forth.

"You're a liar," I said to Steven. "If I did something, tell me what it was." Steven was silent. "Well? What is it? What have I done to you?"

Steven still didn't respond. He walked away, shooting us a glare over his shoulder.

The day after that (May 29, 2014)

It was graduation. The last day of the school year. Next year would be high school. I was going to the same high school as Hannah since I had moved out of the district, but besides that, I would be with an entirely new group of people.

We had to line up in alphabetical order by or last names to enter the gym. Hannah and I both have last names that start with K, and were lucky to be right next to each other.

"Oh, I'm so nervous!" Hannah said, jumping up and down. "I can't believe it's graduation, can you? Oh, I'm so glad we'll finally be leaving Steven and Jeremy! I'm sick of all these annoying boys! Are you gonna keep in touch with Jeremy?"

I nodded. "Through email, but I don't know for sure whether we'll ever actually talk face to face."

"Why would you keep in touch with that loser?"

"Because that loser is my friend. Unlike you, I don't hate him."

Hannah laughed. "Oh, he's just so much fun to make fun of."

I laughed too. Hannah tried to pull her cap further down on her head, so that it would stay in place better. "Does my hair look okay?" she said.

"Well, it's a little out of place here," I said, lifting my hand to smooth out her hair. Once I had smoothed down the part that had been sticking up, I continued to stroke her hair.

Hannah looked confused. "Um, why are you still touching my hair? Didn't you already fix it?"

I quickly pulled my hand away. "Um, because... I feel like it?"

"Some reason..." Hannah sighed. "You know, I'm kinda scared about high school."

"You? Scared?" I said.

"Well, yeah. Is it really all that surprising?" Hannah said.

"Well, you're always saying how you're happy about the future coming and can't wait to get away from here."

Hannah shrugged. "Well, I am happy, but at the same time, I'm scared."

"You'll be fine," I said. "But I don't know about me."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine," Hannah said.

Though unsure, I nodded.

Just then, the line started moving forward. We walked towards the gym. My cap started sliding down, and I pulled it back up. We could hear the members of the audience murmuring and music playing as we grew closer, and then, there. I took a deep breath and walked into the gym.

After the ceremony, there were signatures to sign and pictures to take. My face soon hurt from all the smiling. Hannah dragged me around the school, looking for people she wanted to say goodbye to. When we came back to our parents, my mom said, "I was going to give you your phone so you could plug in people's phone numbers, but I looked away for one second and you were gone."

I shrugged. "Well, there were lots of people to say goodbye to. Most of them I won't be seeing again."

"Hey Anastasia, you'll come over at eight tomorrow for that sleepover, right?" Hannah said. I nodded.

"So where is Anastasia going to sleep?" my dad asked Hannah.

"Oh, she can sleep in my bed with me," Hannah said. "She won't need a sleeping bag or anything."

"Okay..." my dad said. "If you feel safe like that..."

"Why wouldn't I be safe?" Hannah said, confused. Then she blinked in realization, and turned slowly to me. "Do you think I'll be safe?" she said, cautious.

It was hard to keep from laughing. "Uh, you'll be fine," I said. Jeremy came over and started taking a bunch of pictures of me.

"Email me everything that happens to you!" Jeremy said.

"Okay," I said. "I will. Unless I forget." Jeremy's eyes widened a little.

That night, I thought over how the school year had went.

I was still hanging out with the same people (except for Steven, who I'd rather pretend was never born).

Hannah was still cute, and Jeremy was still a weirdo.

Despite not riding the bus with Alyssa anymore and not being as close to her, I still talked to her online.

Hannah and I were still best friends, and her finding out my secret hadn't destroyed our friendship.

I had come out to my parents, and they didn't treat me any differently.

I'm still me. Despite eighth grade being a difficult year for me and all of my friends, we had made it through. There had been a long period of adjustment before things calmed down and reached a new normal.

But all in all, the only thing that really changed, was that... I didn't have any secrets anymore.