When I got the call it was a normal Wednesday evening, I was doing nothing in particular except trying to pound out the next chapter of the novel I was currently working on. You see, I was a writer had been writing since I was in college and maybe even before that (but who takes the writings of a 12-year-old about the current boy she likes seriously anyway).

Well, this story is about a boy… In a way. Although not in the way you might think.

I was restructuring the dialogue between the two main characters when the phone rang, catching me midsentence (which, as a writer I hated!) If I hadn't been alarmed by the fact that number had a North Carolina area code I would have ignored it and gone back to finishing my chapter.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

My best friend lives in North Carolina, he was the only one who could probably call me after 5 PM when I was in "shutdown mode" and have me sound coherent and pleasant, but there was no way unless it was an emergency he would call me. At a quick glance I knew the number wasn't his cell phone, but it was at least another number in the area. Tentatively, I slid over the "answer" button on my iPhone.

"Hello?" I answered as cordially as I could.

There was a brief pause before a male voice answered, which was not the voice of my best friend Nathan Clarence.

"Hey… This is Tyler Martin, may I please speak to Vivian Peters?"

I tried to put the name together in my head but came up blank and I continued speaking slowly, in a careful, cautious voice.

"This is Vivian Peters."

"Hey…" He sounded even more nervous now, "my name is Tyler, Nathan's roommate… He said you were his closest friend so I decided to call you."

"What's wrong?" I asked, immediately on high alert.

 

Tyler sighed again.

"It's Nate, he's been having some…um, problems lately."

"Such as?" I questioned even more anxious.

"It's not something I would explain over the phone and I rather he tell you."

"Well, put him on the phone." I was now growing impatient with his vague responses.

"Like I said, it's not something I would say over the phone." There was a brief pause and then the brief timber raised voices and I could hear Tyler in the background:

"For crying out loud Nate, I'm only calling her because you won't! Seriously, it's not that bad."

I could hear Nathan's voice in the background but I couldn't make out what he said.

"Can you tell me what's going on?" I asked.

Finally Tyler spoke again.

"It's… Complicated." There was another brief pause before he spoke again. "Can you come here?"

"Here?" I repeated.

"Here, to North Carolina."

"Perhaps Nathan didn't explain… I live in Tennessee Tyler, that's halfway across the country!"

Tyler sounded stressed again.

"I know, I know, but I wouldn't ask unless it was important, I can't get through to him and neither can the rest of the people in our small group… The one to listen anyway, it's been rather tense around here."

A single question was already forming in my mind.

Why had it been so tense in the small town in North Carolina?

"You've known him since when… Since you were eight or nine? You understand him, he's got to listen to you, I know he'll take your advice." Tyler said earnestly.

"Can you at least tell me with going on?" I asked again.

Tyler sighed again, something he had been doing practically the entire phone call, like he was dealing with a particularly troublesome child.

"Okay, here it is in a nutshell," Tyler said in that slow careful voice I had adopted earlier, "Nate is being bullied."

My eyebrows rose a fraction, I hadn't heard these words applied to my best friend since we were children, and since then the people involved had grown and matured.

"Bullied? Tyler don't you think you're overreacting, I mean, he's 26 years old I think he can take care of himself."

Another sigh escaped Tyler's lips and I could almost see him shaking his head.

"Vivian, it's more complicated than that, it's why he's being bullied that has me so concerned."

Maybe it was the use of my name, or maybe it was his tone of voice, my mind reached back to the all the times Nathan had dropped everything to be with me if I was angry or upset and now here was a chance for me to return that. Nathan would do anything for me and I would do anything for him even if that meant dropping everything and flying halfway across the country.

"Okay, I'll come. I'll probably be there sometime tomorrow if I can catch an early flight."

"Okay," Tyler replied, "let me know." He rattled off his cell phone number so I could get a hold of him once I landed.

"Thank you for calling me and letting me know, I'll see you tomorrow, and tell Nathan I'll be there as soon as I can."

We I'm not soon after that my heart was still doing somersaults uncomfortably in my stomach and I didn't even know why.

Setting my phone aside I returned to my computer. Saving and closing my document I opened my Internet browser and began searching for the most direct flight from Tennessee to North Carolina.

 

I didn't know why I didn't tell my mom I was going out of town maybe it was my feeling of foreboding or the somber tone in Tyler's voice when he had mentioned Nathan was being bullied. I knew Nathan could stand up for himself had been able to do so for years, maybe after he had grown into himself a little bit and realized people actually would listen to what he had to say. Well apparently they weren't listening.

After booking and 11 o'clock flight I headed for my bedroom and pulled out my old suitcase and began systematically going through my clothes to find the appropriate attire. I had checked the weather for the upcoming week for North Carolina on my phone which for January was only slightly warmer by about 10° but was blanketed by bouts of heavy rain.

I glanced at my clock, I had worked late tonight almost till 5:30 PM, when I like to stop work shortly before two. I would have a late dinner tonight, and then I would probably watch a movie and go to bed I had an early day tomorrow, and an unexpected journey ahead of me.

2: Chapter 1

Half a dozen hours later I was landed in Raleigh and after collecting my bags and began looking around for Nathan's roommate who was supposed to pick me up.

Away from the noise of the crowded airport I punched in his number. He picked up in a few minutes later he was waving at me a few feet away.

Tyler Martin was about what I had expected; average height with tousled dark hair and sharp dark eyes. He reminded me of the nondescript repair guys that fixed televisions and Internet cables. We exchanged greetings briefly before Tyler gestured to his car and we began the ride back to Chastity Hills.

"How is he?" I asked in an undertone, of course he knew exactly who I was talking about.

Tyler shrugged.

"About the same as he's been for the past few weeks, sticking to his work and not much else."

I nodded, but didn't say much else. This didn't sound like the person I had grown up with, the complete opposite as a matter of fact. Nathan had always tackled things head on and asked questions later. He was inquisitive and intelligent, which was something I always liked about him. He had never let anyone bug him even when he had been bullied as a child he always seemed to bounce back and told people exactly what he thought.

The majority of the drive was made in silence, Tyler and I didn't know each other that well and are only topic we had in common was Nathan which I didn't feel like discussing with someone I barely knew.

Finally, Tyler's car pulled up outside a nondescript apartment building. It wasn't a high-rise by any stretch of the imagination but it was nice, just enough to know that the people living there weren't exactly dirt poor.

Tyler help me with my luggage while I took the rest of my bags. He took my last suitcase in his free hand and began fishing around in his jeans pocket for his keys. Then he opened the door and motioned for me to go in. The apartment was about what I expected for two single guys my age, not quite clean but neat enough. There were laptops on the coffee table and cell phone chargers dangling like snakes in the available power outlets.

"Where is he?" I asked again.

Tyler nodded towards the back of the apartment.

"Probably in his room." He motioned for me to follow him. Tyler walked to the end of a short hallway and pointed to the left.

"Second door down. My room is at the other end of the hall."

I followed Tyler's instructions stopping just outside the door he had indicated. It was partially ajar and I could hear the dim sounds of a computer running inside and the faint sounds of Nathan's favorite Christian rock band (I knew because they were one of my favorites as well).

I didn't exactly knock but rather slowly eased the door open as if I were trying to protect myself from a particularly vicious animal.

"Nathan? It's me, it's Viv."

He didn't look up, when I usually addressed him he usually greeted me with a bright sunny smile. Standing there in his doorway I got my first good look at him since I had seen him a little over six months ago. He was sitting in his desk chair staring into space and uncharacteristic frown obscuring his features while the lyrics of the rock band continued pumping through his computer speakers.

His face looked pinched and tired, the tiredness on his face I was used to it was what I expected from a grad student going for his PhD but the level of stress I saw in the lines around his eyes and mouth was so unfamiliar I barely recognized him.

"Nathan?" I called again and finally, slowly, he looked up.

The look on his face was almost unreadable a combination of surprise and relief but then there was something else there I couldn't quite define.

"V…?" He said hoarsely and I could see the unspoken "what are you doing here?" written on his face.

"Tyler called me, he's worried about you." I said simply. "Frankly, after hearing what he told me so am I."

I looked squarely into his tired blue eyes taking in his tousled light brown hair, which looked like he had been running his hands through it. It was a little too long on one side and I could tell he needed a haircut.

"I've known you since you were seven years old Nathan," I said quietly, "what's going on?" You can tell me."

There was no humor in his eyes only an abrupt seriousness I only had ever seen on his face if someone had died.

"I don't know how to tell you this," he murmured and I could tell he was searching for the right words, somehow to make it easier to say without blurting everything out.

"You know all those articles I've been posting on Facebook for the past few months?"

I nodded, the subject matter had confused me not sure why he would have interest in articles concerning gays and lesbians.

He looked at me carefully then his eyes softened in a way they did when I knew he was listening or if he had something very important he had tell me. Gently, he reached out and took my hand, squeezing it briefly.

"I've been meaning to tell you this, and I wanted to tell you in person…" He paused again, "I'm attracted to… both… girls and guys."

The room got so quiet you could've heard a pin drop. Even through the numbness that was slowly taking over my body I processed one coherent thought. I had defined that searching look that had been on Nathan's face ever since I had walked into his bedroom, his unfinished sentence as he dropped a bombshell into my life.

The look that said: "… And where do I fit in now?"

 

3: Chapter 2

It was hard to describe the shock that radiated through my body at Nathan's words. On the outside it wasn't that big a deal, he was still the same person I had always known, but at the same time you just don't find out something like about your best friend you've known for 10+ years and not react.

The shock spread through me like a current until it became almost like a physical pain and the weirdest thing about it was I didn't even know why, like I could still feel it getting worse and worse wondering when it would plateau again.

It was hard to pin down one emotion to describe how I felt, sad, angry, frustrated and something else I couldn't quite define. I retreated back into myself as I often did when I was upset, but then again I was in a house with two other people so I had to consider them as well. So I kept my feelings to myself turning out as much writing material as I could, as it was my only outlet first saying how I felt. This manifested itself in six songs, three poems and the outline which inspired this story as I write it now.

 

 Nathan and I went our separate ways after that, Nathan returning to his paper and me returning to the kitchen where I sat down my head falling in the my hands.

"So, he told you."

I jumped at the sound of Tyler's voice, I had almost forgotten he was there and hadn't heard him come into the kitchen.

"Yeah." I said nodding, my voice sounded rusty and hollow.

"I never thought he would tell me something like that, I've known him since we were seven years old," I said almost as if Tyler wasn't there.

I looked over to see Tyler sitting down at the table next to me.

"When did he tell you?" I asked in a low voice.

"A few months ago, I knew something was up when he started posting all these LGBT articles but I wasn't gonna say anything."

"Were you surprised?" I asked wondering if he had a similar reaction.

"Maybe a little, but I've only known him for two or three years… Not as long as you have, that's not something to be taken lightly."

Tyler ran a hand through his dark hair.

"I guess my initial reaction wasn't the best, I automatically assumed maybe people would jump to conclusions about my relationship with him that maybe I was gay or something."

"I don't know," I murmured, "I just feel… Sad and maybe a little disappointed, but then I feel like part of my heart is breaking, but I don't expect you to understand that."

Tyler only nodded looking thoughtful.

"I guess it was really hard to hear because…" I paused, "because I'm in love with him."

Tyler didn't say anything and he seemed to be choosing his words carefully before he spoke.

"Does Nate know?"

I nodded.

"He says he wants to just be friends."

Tyler made a face and immediately look sympathetic.

"Ouch."

I gave him a rueful smile and a halfhearted shrug. I found Tyler easy to talk to maybe he couldn't read my mind like Nathan could, but I was comfortable with him and he listened which I found refreshing since this was something I couldn't discuss with Nathan right away.

I was just trying to decide what to do next when my phone rang.

 

I was sitting quietly in Nathan's room listening to the rhythmic "tap, tap" of his fingers on the keyboard my iPhone pressed to my ear.

"Vivian where are you?" My mother sounded worried and irritated.

"I'm in North Carolina, in Chastity Hills, Nathan needed me."

My mother gave a frustrated sigh.

"Don't ask, please, it's complicated."

"Okay I won't. Where are you?" She asked.

"At Nathan and Tyler's apartment."

"Where are you staying?" She asked, she had now gone into rapidfire mother mode.

"I don't know," I answered, "here I guess."

"Vivian…" My mother said in a warning tone.

"It's okay, I'll sleep on the couch, I'll sleep on the flipping floor if that's what it takes, I'm staying here!"

From across the room Nathan was wearing a small smile. As soon as I hung up I looked at him.

"That's okay, isn't it?"

"Sure, I don't see why not, you just can't sleep with me." He grinned so I knew he was joking.

I blushed, but he didn't know how much I wanted that to happen I couldn't imagine being intimate with anybody else but him, anything else just felt wrong.

 

So Tyler made up the couch for me and that's where I was until Nathan went to bed sometime after midnight. I wanted more from him, but I couldn't say what and after what he had just told me it might take a little bit of time to be comfortable with the idea of a physical relationship again. Even if it was only something inside my own head.

 

4: Chapter 3

Light was just coming through the blinds when I woke up and judging by the light it was still pretty early and I figured there was no way the boys were up yet even if they had to be up in another hour or two.

Quietly I slipped down the hallway, the apartment was quiet as you would expect it to be at 6 AM. Tyler's door was shut but Nathan's once again was slightly ajar. Without really thinking I crept up to it and slipped inside. Under normal circumstances I never would've done such a thing particularly concerning my best friend, but the attraction was continuing to pull at me in a way I couldn't quite explain.

So I stood in his room just watching him, watching him sleep and concluded it was really the only time I ever saw him relax where his face wasn't in some form of stress. Smiling to myself crept back to the living room and took my iPhone from my purse then crept back into his room snapping a few pictures of his serene face, hoping the click of the camera wasn't too loud.

Then I left the room, and returned to my bed on the couch waiting for the boys to wake up.

 

Nathan appeared an hour and a half later. He looked disheveled and groggy still in pajama pants and a T-shirt.

I looked up from where I was working on my laptop.

"Good morning." I said pleasantly, and it was as if the conversation of the day before hadn't taken place.

Nathan stretched and my eyes momentarily flickered over his muscles, he wasn't athletic by any stretch of the imagination but he wasn't scrawny either, he looked like your average 26-year-old.

"Morning, you've had breakfast yet?"

I shook my head and shrugged.

"I don't know where anything in that kitchen is, so no."

Nathan pointed to the corner cupboard on the far side of the kitchen.

"Cereal and stuff is in there, milk is in the fridge." He began rummaging around in the refrigerator and returned a few minutes later with bacon and eggs which he proceeded to cook on the stovetop.

I dug around in the cupboard for a few minutes and found what I was looking for before sitting down to pour myself a bowl of cereal and the milk that went along with it. A few minutes later Nathan sat down across from me and for the next few minutes we ate in silence.

"You're okay with what I told you yesterday?" He asked, concern immediately filling his blue eyes.

I shrugged.

"As okay as you can expect me to be," I replied, "I'm just a little shocked that's all."

I wanted to say how sad and disappointed I was but I wasn't quite sure how to word it, particularly to him without it sounding like a criticism, which was the last thing I wanted to do.

We lapsed into silence again before I continued speaking.

"When did you know?" I asked the question coming out in an undertone and right then I wasn't quite sure what else to ask.

Nathan shrugged.

"I don't know, I suppose it was always there…" He gave a wry smile, "and you wonder why I never had a girlfriend."

"No," I countered, "I knew you didn't have a girlfriend because you're so busy you didn't have any time." And I wanted you to be with me. I added silently, but of course I didn't say that out loud.

Nathan grinned.

"Well yeah."

We smiled at each other across the table, but I could still feel the tension, a tension I didn't want to be there.

"At least you're honest with yourself." I added absently when I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't formulate my next sentence and what came out was the truth without sounding like I was justifying any actions Nathan may take in the future. "That's my viewpoint on the gay lesbian thing… God loves everybody and that's that, I'm not justifying that it's "okay" but you can't change how you are."

Nathan gave me that soft smile, the look I always imagined he would give me if he ever told me he loved me, really told me he loved me.

"No, I can't. It's like you being attracted to guys."

Or me being attracted to you. I thought.

"You can't help it."

We stared at each other again for another beat before my next sentence was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

"Nathan," I stared at the tabletop as I spoke, I couldn't meet his eyes not yet, "do you think I'm pretty?"

I saw his eyes widen and I almost laughed, his expression was almost comical.

He chuckled uncomfortably.

"Well… Way to put me on the spot."

"Sorry." I mumbled sheepishly unsure of what else to say.

He was quiet for a moment before he responded, his answer slow and careful as if he were giving it a great deal of thought.

"Well you're not ugly."

I had to smile at that, that was very much a Nathan answer anything out of his comfort zone he didn't answer directly.

"Of course not," I replied, "no."

"I mean, I didn't mean--" Nathan started again and I could tell he had no idea how to respond and I didn't really blame him but I couldn't figure out how to pin down if he found me attractive or not.

"I know, I knew what you meant." I replied, automatically sliding back into my comfortable role as the best friend instantly deducing his mood without ruffling any more feathers. We were staring at each other again as if trying to figure out how to get our equilibrium back that had been upended by Nathan's revelation. I found myself leaning forward, almost unconsciously and then everything else ceased to exist except me and Nathan… Nathan and me.

"Oh good, you're up."

My eyes sprang open and I pulled away from Nathan as quickly as I could and whirled around to see Tyler in the doorway up the kitchen praying he hadn't seen us and when I was about to do. I couldn't even processed Nathan's reaction, the gesture had been instinctual leaning on that pull I had been feeling around Nathan for months.

The spell was broken after that and I watched almost dreamlike as Tyler moved around the kitchen preparing his breakfast seemingly oblivious to what was going on between Nathan and me. Certainly he knew how I felt like I had been hit by a sledgehammer, but the impact that was having on our friendship at the moment he had no idea and that wasn't even something I could explain to Nathan.

I watched in a daze as Nathan and Tyler left for work where they were doing their research at UNC. The apartment was eerily quiet after that to the point of making me almost uncomfortable. Usually I relished in the quiet because it was a good environment for my writing, but today I couldn't even focus on that my conversation with Nathan kept running around in my head like an endless broken record to which I couldn't find the off button.

 

5: Chapter 4

I was hungry, unfortunately there was nothing resembling food in the house at least nothing I would eat for lunch. The only thing available was that cheap sandwich bread, a near empty jar of grape jelly and a couple slices of lunchmeat left, of the kind of meat I wasn't sure.

I poked around in the fridge in the cupboards for a few more minutes before giving up. If I wanted something to eat I was going to have to do this myself so I took my coat and my car keys and headed for my little rental car which was parked on the curb. As I walked out of the apartment and I glanced at my watch it was a little bit before four which meant Tyler and Nathan would be home in an hour or so. I knew this was the long way around for a sandwich, but at the moment I didn't care.

The first shopping center I found was within walking distance of the University and I glanced at the large cluster of buildings for a few minutes before heading into the store.

 

I came out of the store a few minutes later carrying a bag with the essentials I would need to make a simple sandwich and since I had decided against buying anything perishable I decided to walk around the shopping center a little bit more. I only stopped to put together the sandwich I wanted from the ingredients in my bag and was sitting on one of the benches eating my sandwich when saw it. There were four boys that were clustered around the car which was trying to get out of the parking lot. Intrigued, I shoved the last piece of my sandwich and my mouth and walked towards the entrance of the parking lot.

Leaving my car I crossed that the crosswalk and headed for the closest parking lot and it was there I saw the scene more clearly. Four boys were pounding on the windows of the car, they were shouting profanity which from where I was standing in the parking lot sounded like it was coming out of a badly tuned radio. Without thinking I strode up to the car not even sure of what I was going to say.

"Hey! What are you doing? Let this person go!"

"He hit on me!" A young man stated bluntly, "who's idea was it to let someone like him teach here?" He looked offended, disapproval sketched deeply into his features.

My mind scrambled trying to put the pieces together.

"Let him out, let me talk to him." I said calmly, unsure of at the moment whose side I was on.

Slowly, reluctantly the four young men stepped away from the car and I did a double take, I knew whose car was I knew who was in the driver seat. A few minutes later Nathan, head bowed, exited the car and I watched carefully as one of the figures around the car let him pass.

"What happened?" I asked Nathan in a low voice.

"Nothing," he said quietly, "I swear. I asked," he gestured to the young man who had made the accusation, "Darren if he wanted to go for coffee to discuss his notes and upcoming paper." Nathan said softly, he still not fully meeting my eyes the uncomfortableness of the situation was rolling off him in waves.

"Still sounded like you are asking for a date to me!"

My mind was still scrambling as to how they had found out it wasn't the type of information Nathan would volunteer certainly not to someone he barely knew.

I rounded on the boys because at the moment that's what they were acting like.

"How do you even know that it's his preference?" I demanded without being too specific and making Nathan more uncomfortable than he already was.

Another guy spoke up, this one had blond hair and would have been good-looking if it hadn't been for his heavyset features.

"We're all in Mr. Clarence's class and we were leaving the other day when we overheard him on the phone…"

"That gave you no right to do what you did." I said sourly, "what business is that of yours?"

They didn't answer.

"It's weird…" Another one of the guys complained, his voice sounding high and childish, "what if he's attracted to one of us?"

I took another step forward.

"If there was a problem I'm sure his advisor would take care of it or go to the head of the University." At the moment I was grasping at straws I didn't know how true any of this was.

"How do you know?" Another one of the guys demanded, "you don't go here, do you?"

I drew myself up to my full height, which was still ridiculous next to the guys who were almost a foot taller.

"No," I admitted, "I don't, but that's my best friend you're messing with and if you have a problem with him you're going to have to go through me first."

The stocky blonde who had spoken before looked me up and down and laughed.

"Yeah, who is stopping us?" They were closing in now and someone else had grabbed Nathan's arm that they were just standing there are not moving.

Standing there I had a flashback to when I was seven years old and there was another blonde bully another person that was picking on Nathan for some aspect he couldn't exactly control.

 

Suddenly I am standing on the playground at my old elementary school staring into the flashing blue eyes of another bully, Michael Anderson.

"You leave him alone Michael!"

"Oh yeah, who is going to stop me?" Michael had asked sneering. Even as an eight-year-old I had found him imposing.

"What did he ever do to you?" I snapped, my words coming fast and furious, my heart speaking before my head could intervene.

Michael laughed.

"Live."

 

I wish snapped out of my reverie so quickly I didn't even know what had brought me out of it, but then I felt the stinging slap and the ground rushing up to meet me.

"Hey! Leave her alone, she's not a part of this!"

From my place on the ground where the asphalt scratched my hands and hurt my hip I had fallen on I could see Nathan standing in front of me. His voice was quiet but he sounded annoyed. "Any more and I will report you."

The laughter was jarring and cruel.

"Yeah, what are you going to do about it?"

The profanity felt like a slap in the face and a second later Nathan was on the ground next to me the gravel spraying in our faces. We just lay there in the parking lot next to Nathan's car for a few minutes trying to catch our breath, blinking the grit and dust out of our eyes.

 Finally Nathan stood and helped me to my feet. It was then I got a good look at his face. He had a black eye and the skin around it was rapidly turning black and blue.

"Come on Vi, let's go home." He chuckled ruefully, "I think we need some ice."

"My car." I protested, "it's still across the street."

"Don't worry, I'll have Tyler come get it."

 

 

6: Chapter 5

"What the heck happened to you!" Tyler greeted as soon as he opened the apartment door when Nathan and I returned from our altercation in the UNC parking lot.

"Long story." Nathan muttered, "we could both really use some ice, I don't think I can even see out of this eye anymore."

Less than five minutes later both Nathan and I are seated at the kitchen table both holding bags of frozen vegetables to our respective bumps and bruises.

"What happened?" Tyler repeated.

"One of my students thought I hit on him because of, you know…" He shrugged it giving Tyler a significant look and Tyler nodded but he didn't say anything. Nathan ran a hand through his hair, a gesture I only saw him do when he was stressed out, he sighed. "I guess him and his friends overheard me talking to someone… And figured it out."

"Who were you talking to?" Tyler asked.

"One of the guys from church." Nathan answered, "there aren't that many people who know."

Tyler nodded again, and for the moment I was left out of the conversation.

"You have to report this Nate, if they are abusing you over something you can't control…" My friend's roommate frowned.

"Don't you think I know that?" Nathan asked, "if I do it that way that'll  be mean telling everybody and I don't want that to jeopardize anything I may do professionally, you know how people are…I have things stacked against me as it is."

Tyler gave me a look that clearly said "why don't you talk some sense into him?" But I knew there was nothing I could do. Nathan knew his own mind and he wasn't stupid if he was keeping things quiet he had good reason to and I didn't blame him.

Finally, I spoke.

"You can't force him Tyler," I said quietly, "you know he's in a tough spot right now… He has no choice."

Nathan nodded.

"They wouldn't kick you out if they knew, would they?" Tyler asked quietly.

"They shouldn't," Nathan replied, "anything else would be considered discrimination and that would make the university look bad. Besides, they can't prove I did anything even if I had… It's not like anyone's accusing me of sexual assault." Nathan continued to frown and I could tell this was upsetting him.

"This can't go on Nate." Tyler said in that same soft voice, "it's not right."

Slowly Nathan nodded. "I know, but I have no choice."

 

Later that evening Tyler and I were seated in the living room. Nathan had long since disappeared in his bedroom and I figured he was working on his papers again.

I sighed, running a hand through my shoulder length brown hair.

"Today could've gone better."

Tyler laughed shortly.

"Yeah, no kidding!"

We were quiet for a few minutes before Tyler spoke again.

"So how did you and Nathan meet again?"

I shrugged.

"School. We met when we were in third grade. I had no friends at the time and he was one the first people I met. I had just moved to a new school… You know the drill. I invited him to sit with me at lunch because he looked lonely and well the rest is history."

"You said he was bullied before?"

I nodded. My mind immediately conjured up the grade school bully, who just seemed like any other kid now... Everything blown out of proportion by the circumstances of the time.

"You know how kids that age are," I said unsure of what else to say, "Nathan was picked on because he was quiet, he was different and let's face it he was a bit of a nerd."

Tyler laughed.

"He still is!"

My laughter joined his.

"I know! Even when he was 12 years old he would talk my ear off about some computer language I didn't even know anything about."

"What about dating? Did it ever come up?"

I shook my head.

"We never talked about it, it was too… awkward. In some ways I still saw the little boy I had known in third grade and it made me feel uncomfortable."

"And neither of you ever dated anybody?" Tyler asked.

I shook my head.

"Would you ever consider dating anybody else?"

I shrugged.

"Maybe, if it was the right guy."

I barely noticed Tyler scooting closer, but at the moment decided to ignore it.

"Someone like me?" Tyler asked softly, he was leaning closer his expression undefinable.

"Maybe…" I breathed. He was too close and my heart rate was picking up in a way that resembled fear more than excitement. Before I could process it Tyler had closed the distance between us leaving a soft gentle kiss on my lips.

Just as quickly he pulled back and frowned.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

I shrugged.

"It's okay." I murmured as I eased away and then made a hasty retreat… To somewhere, anywhere I could get away.

 

I debated standing in the cold outside until Tyler had left the room but thought better of it and so I retreated to where I knew Nathan was working… That was safe… With Nathan and was always safe.

He didn't say anything when I slipped into the room as I silently sat on the bed as he continued to type. That was what I liked about Nathan so much could be said in so little and that was all we needed. We stayed like that until very late, until Nathan was ready to go to bed and I wondered if Tyler had left the living room or gone elsewhere.

"You're going to have to go now Vivian, I got to get ready for bed." Nathan's eyes twinkled and for a split second I allowed myself the fantasy of watching him undress then I stopped myself as I did with many things on the cusp of a sexual fantasy… Particularly regarding him.

"What if I want to." I shot back, willing myself not to blush.

Nathan's eyebrows rose and a slight smirk played at the corners of his mouth momentarily.

"No…" He said slowly, "I don't think that would be a good idea."

So as I returned to the living room couch for the night that was how things were left between Nathan and I, as always, unresolved. (At least in my mind).

7: Chapter 6

The following morning, Saturday, things were quiet. Breakfast was uneventful and nobody really said anything Tyler and I only giving each other looks from across the table.

When Nathan went out to run an errand Tyler and I finally had a chance to talk (not that I wanted to).

I was once again working on my novel when he came into the living room and quietly sat down next to me.

"Am I interrupting anything?" He asked gently.

I didn't answer only finished typing the sentence I was working on. Running a hand through his hair Tyler continued talking, in that nervous way people have when they're trying to make up for something.

"Look Vivian… I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you. Happy now?"

"Hmm…" I murmured, trying to figure out what I wanted to say. "You know I like Nathan," I finally said, "well, more than like."

"Yes, I know that, but obviously he isn't interested."

"Look, Tyler, can't you just leave it, I love him that isn't going to change regardless of anything either of you say."

"Okay…" Tyler murmured.

"Have you considered he doesn't want a relationship with you because of what he's going through right now? His life is more complicated now."

"What business is that of yours!" I snapped, "I think I'll leave that up to Nathan, thank you. Don't be using his dilemma with sexual orientation as an excuse to make yourself look better! In my mind your just jealous, and I can't deal with a guy like that!"

Before Tyler could respond I had stormed out of the apartment without looking back.

 

I walked around the side of the building where there was a small courtyard. Just in front of another bunch of buildings was a small bench and it was here I finally sat down. I don't know how long I sat there the birds and the sun and the sound of distant cars and doors slamming lulling me into a stupor. I didn't care it was barely 50° I needed to get away, the four walls of Nathan's apartment were beginning to feel smothering.

Just then, a shadow fell across my path and I looked up to see a figure dressed in a parka his hands in his pockets no doubt still wearing his driving gloves.

"Hey." I murmured despondently.

"Hey." Nathan murmured back casually shifting from foot to foot as if he wasn't quite sure what to do. Then he sat down on the bench next to me neither of us saying a word. For what seemed like forever we just sat there in companionable silence until finally Nathan spoke.

"You okay, V?" He asked softly.

I shrugged.

"Is something bothering you?" He asked and I could hear the concern in his voice, a tone by now I was used to.

I shrugged again.

"Is it about what I told you the other day?"

I shook my head.

"Come on V you can tell me." Nathan's voice was soft, he was using the tone of voice that made me want to tell him everything and burst into tears all at the same time.

"Tyler kissed me." I finally blurted.

Nathan was quiet for a moment as he absorbed this information.

"Did you want him to kiss you?" He asked.

"No!" The word came out choked and sharp. My voice softened slightly, "he apologized this morning when you were out… But he seems to think he knows best…" I sighed and shook my head, "but that's not what I want."

"What do you want?" Nathan asked.

I licked my lips, my tongue suddenly feeling large and uncooperative.

"You." I choked out finally giving him a sidelong glance rewarded by his typical neutral expression, but within the lines of his face I noted he was frowning slightly.

"Vivian I already told you…" Nathan began.

I interrupted him. "I don't care! What if I don't care?" I exclaimed.

"What if we break up?" Nathan asked rhetorically, "what then?"

I shrugged and shook my head. "I don't care!" I said stubbornly.

"I don't want to lose you as a friend," Nathan continued ignoring my outburst, "I care too much about you." His voice and expression were almost tender which made me melt in a way that made me love him even more.

I scowled at my knees at the moment disregarding the sharp breeze that was picking up around the complex.

"He was trying to use the fact that you were bi as an excuse that I should date him, that he was the better option."

Nathan frowned his lips pressing into a thin line then he sighed. "I'll talk to him later, that's between him and me." Then he turned back to me his face openly curious. "Is that why you're here, because you love me?"

I pressed my lips together, trying to figure out the best way to phrase my answer.

"Yes and no." I answered finally.

"What does that mean?" Nathan asked quietly.

"Yes, because I would do anything for you, you know that, but I also came simply because Tyler asked me to. I guess I still see you as that little boy again being bullied and I want to be the damage control like I was then."

Nathan smiled faintly.

"We're not in elementary school anymore V." Once again his voice was soft and gentle.

I nodded not looking at him. "I know that, it's just… Sometimes I feel like I'm losing part of myself when something personal happens to you… Like I could take your place if I could."

Nathan smiled again his eyes sparkling slightly. "Hmm… That's nice of you. I wouldn't wish this on you though… It's difficult, a trial, being LGBT it isn't a choice."

I nodded. "I know."

"Being a Christian makes it even harder there are too many unanswered questions too many variables left up to chance, or at least that's what it feels like."

"I know." I said again, "you said that before and more than anything I want to know what that feels like… And I can't even come close to knowing."

Nathan smiled sadly.

Thanks."

"I wish I could be here more." I murmured, "I wish I could be by your side as you face this, I want us to go through this together. Then I realized I have these feelings and you're the person I want to share them with, I'm comfortable with you and these firsts, I want them to be with you. You know, when I was little the only person I could ever imagine kissing was you."

Nathan chuckled.

"Why me?"

I shrugged and laughed.

"I don't know, you're you… I trust you."

"I can't promise anything." Nathan murmured turning towards me.

"I know that." I whispered.

"I just don't want to mess up our friendship…" He breathed.

"I know…" I breathed back, "I just have a feeling… a pull, I can't--"

I don't remember who closed the distance between us, but then his lips were on mine gentle and soft. His lips were dry and warm there was nothing particularly sexy about it at the moment it was just a kiss simply a touching of lips. At first, neither of us moved it seemed as if we were each frozen from the action we had taken.

Slowly we each began to move, slowly and carefully. My hand came up around Nathan's neck, I stroked his skin, his hair, someway I had to be touching him as always but this seemed much more powerful. His lips moved carefully, methodically, as if he were considering each motion. I wasn't sure whether I should open my mouth or not whether or not he wanted to deepen the kiss for it to be… more.

 Slowly, I deepened the kiss afraid he was going to pull back and tell me to stop but he didn't-not yet. I probed gently at his lips and he opened slowly. I swept my tongue over his bottom lip but didn't go any further than that (the idea of French kissing gave me the creeps). Then Nathan deepened the kiss, his mouth was soft and warm and I could lose myself in the feeling of it, a feeling past description that feeling I had been feeling only  intensified until it was all I felt until I was full up to every nerve my body.

Then at long last we pulled apart. We were both breathing harshly staring at each other as if we couldn't believe what had just happened.

"Will I regret that?" I whispered, as it was all I was capable of at the moment.

"I hope not." Nathan murmured and he smiled slightly his eyes twinkling.

Then he reached up and brushed a strand of dark hair away from my face and we smiled at each other. The suddenly I wanted to know everything about him, inside and out everything, a physical connection I could only dream of.

 

8: Chapter 7

After the scene on the bench it was like the kiss never happened, and even a few days later I couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. Nathan went back to his teaching position and writing his research papers, and I went back to writing my novel. No more was said on the subject.

Tyler had long since come home and I knew Nathan must be working late and it was just reaching twilight when I finally saw his car at the end of the street. It took me a few minutes to realize there was another car following him and a few more minutes to realize the people in the car were the same bunch of guys that had beat him up in the University parking lot the week before.

What happened next happened so fast I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to. Darren and Scott, the big blond guy I had seen before had grabbed Nathan and in the process sent the majority of his belongings including the bag I knew contained his laptop skittering across the pavement.

Scott was already rifling through the scattered papers.

I don't know what they said but Nathan made a grab for them and he was shaking his head and I could just figure out the words "hey, give those back" even though I couldn't hear them. Nathan was annoyed, I could tell that, but it was just under the surface enough so he wasn't full out yelling.

The papers returned to the ground and Darren and Scott continued going through Nathan's bag they were smashing and scratching most of its contents either on purpose or by accident. Nathan's laptop was still tossed at the curb and I prayed nothing would cause it to be flattened by a car.

They pushed Nathan to the ground again, kicking his bag aside and then they returned to their car speeding off the wheels smashing the remaining of his belongings, including his laptop.

 

By now Tyler had joined me at the window and we both raced out of the house and across the street while Nathan haphazardly attempted to gather his ruined belongings.

He shook his head looking dejected.

"That's everything, the papers, my lesson plans, my computer back up with my research papers and I don't even have that because--" he gestured helplessly to the mangled laptop in its case.

"Will the University replace it?"

Nathan shook his head.

"No, it's mine...I'll take care of it. Man this is bad I can't even transfer anything because my hard drive is most likely smashed to smithereens!"

"What about your flash drives?" I asked as I continued picking up mud and dirt streaked papers and his binder that held his lesson plans.

"I have some of it," Nathan answered, "but not all of it, but most of the important stuff." He sighed, "I saved most of my research papers and notes but that's only going back may be a year or so."

"Was everything in your bag ruined?" Tyler asked.

Nathan rifled through the bag and shook his head.

"Not everything, thank goodness things are just a little dirty and bent up."

Finally we made our way out of the gutter and continued our way back down the sidewalk in the direction of the apartment complex.

"Thanks guys." Nathan murmured, "I appreciate it."

Tyler grinned despite the circumstances.

"Hey no problem, I just feel bad we had to see it."

Nathan chuckled and I cracked a smile.

"Yeah, me too." And he shouldered the ripped and dirty laptop bag as we headed back down the way we had come.

 

A few days later when I joined Nathan in his room that evening we finally had a chance to talk about what had happened in the aftermath.

"What are you doing about your computer?" I asked.

Nathan shrugged.

"What else can I do?" He asked, "I'm replacing it as soon as I can. I took it into the repair shop to get an opinion on what do next in the guy said he hadn't seen one so badly damaged in a while."

He chuckled lightly.

"You have most of your research on here don't you?" I asked, gesturing to his desktop.

For the first time in a while Nathan's face brightened, and quickly his fingers flew over the keyboard.

"Of course! I knew I had them backed up somewhere else, I just didn't think--" then he had a comical expression that quite clearly said "duh!"

I giggled and Nathan smiled.

"You've been stressed out," I said sympathetically, "of course you didn't think."

"It was so obvious!" Nathan said as he continued typing, "how could I be so stupid!"

I opted not to answer that.

Then I heard him sigh in relief.

"Good, it's all here. All my papers from the past two years, my notes, everything. Now I need to do is transfer it over to the new laptop."

Nathan looked up at the clock on the wall.

"I think I'll stop for tonight. I need to talk to you Vivian."

His serious voice was back and I knew he had something on his mind.

"About what?" I questioned.

"About all of this…" He gestured around him, "this arrangement… Us."

I frowned.

"What about us?" I asked.

"Why are you here?" He asked instead.

"Tyler asked me to." I replied softly, "he told me you were in trouble."

"What can you do?" Nathan asked, "you can't change people's opinions of me and the type of person I am. That's not something you can "protect" me from."

I opened my mouth and closed it again for once I didn't have an answer.

"That's why you came out here." Nathan said tonelessly.

"I came out here because I care about you, because I love you. YOU."

"I told you I'm not eight years old anymore Vivian, so stop treating me like I am!" Without another word Nathan turned on his heel and walked out of the room.

 

Things were tense between Nathan and I for a while and after a day or so Tyler was fed up with the stony silence.

"You guys are usually talking my ear off what's wrong?" Tyler asked one morning at breakfast.

"Vivian thinks she can protect me, from life, from people being cruel…" Nathan shook his head his shoulders slumping.

I continued to stare across the table. I couldn't give my reason for why I was here it was too personal, but without it I feared I had just lost my best friend. Once again I was facing a brick wall and Nathan and I, like we had been for the past few years, were at an impasse.

9: Chapter 8

 

I had been in North Carolina for a little over a week and everything within my arrangement with Tyler and Nathan had fallen into an organized routine: we woke up, ate breakfast, Tyler and Nathan went to work at the University and didn't return home sometimes until very late, I worked on my book.

I was making good progress with all my "free" time, not that I wouldn't have been doing it anyway had I been at home. I was drawing inspiration from the events around me and was absently sketching out another idea for a different story.

 

It wasn't until the following evening things got… Interesting. Nathan and I hadn't spoken much, regardless of the fact I didn't see him much and he was hardly home. We hadn't spoken since the morning after we had kissed on the bench outside the apartment.

"Do you know when you're going home?" Nathan asked as we cleaned up after dinner.

I shrugged.

"I don't know, maybe another week." I answered.

"Don't get me wrong," Nathan answered, "I like having you here, but I'm really not home… So…" Another awkward pause descended between us.

Nathan was quiet for a while before he spoke again.

"You can't change the circumstances Vivian, I told you that, I am who I am… You can't change that about me… You can't "fix" it."

I was suddenly very interested in the dishtowel.

"I know that." I whispered.

Another awkward pause.

"What about that kiss? Did that mean anything to you, or did you just do it to shut me up?"

Nathan shrugged.

"I honestly don't know…" Nathan said slowly, "I'm still trying to figure that out… All I know is I don't want to lose you."

"You won't lose me." I said quietly.

We fell into silence again.

"I can't stand this!" I finally said, "we go back and forth and back and forth and we end up nowhere, all we're doing is spinning our wheels!"

"Our wheels!" Nathan shot back, "you mean your wheels, you started this V."

"So what if I did?" I said defiantly, "I didn't want to be attracted to you, but I am, and then I had to fall in love with you!"

"I told you, I can't do that." Nathan repeated, his jaw set in a firm line.

"Why?" I demanded.

"I couldn't do that to you if it ended badly… And I really don't know exactly what I'm attracted to, regardless of whether it's male or female… Sexually, I mean."

I bit my lip. I still wasn't comfortable with him using that word.

"Well maybe if you didn't work so hard you would know." I muttered.

Nathan grinned in response, and I grinned back in spite of myself.

"You think you know?" His tone was playful now, the spark back in his blue eyes.

I smirked.

"Maybe?"

I moved closer to him, setting the dishtowel back on the counter. "When people look at us, they see our chemistry…" I said slowly, "they don't think we've been dating all these years for nothing."

"Are you trying to seduce me?" Nathan inquired his tone still playful, but his eyes were serious.

"Maybe." I said again still unsure myself.

Then we were kissing again, more frantically and erratically then we had been last time our hands trying to find holds on each other Nathan clumsily pushing me up against the counter, the dishes and the towels we had been using forgotten.

Finally we pulled apart, breathing heavily. We were staring at each other as we had been on Friday, eyes wide, unsure of what to say next.

"Maybe we should take this somewhere more private." Nathan murmured and by unspoken agreement we headed in the direction of his room.

"I'm tired of this." I murmured, "being single, I mean."

Nathan smiled gently as he sat down next to me, for once not heading directly for his computer.

"You'll find someone… Eventually." I knew he was trying to be consoling.

"I don't want eventually," I grumbled, "I want now, may I remind you I've never been kissed, and I've never had a boyfriend all my relationship information is based off movies and speculation."

Nathan chuckled quietly.

"You'll find someone… When the time is right."

"What if I already found that someone," I returned, "and his head is to scrambled to see what is right in front of him?"

Nathan chuckled again, but right now I found the sound annoying.

"You're trying to seduce me." He said again, "how exactly do you plan to do that?"

"You said we could try… The relationship thing, you never said no?" I reminded him not directly answering his question.

Finally Nathan answered, "I did say that did and I, but let's not get too carried away, I don't want to do anything I'll regret." His eyes were soft but steady and I could almost hear the "like get you pregnant" he wasn't saying.

I laid a little further back lying back against his bedspread, the linens smelling clean and starchy. Nathan was still looking down at me, his expression thoughtful. Slowly I reached up and stroked his cheek, something I had maybe only done once.

"Sometimes I wish you would stop thinking," I whispered, "sometimes I wish you were just a little bit more… Impulsive."

"You do, do you?" Nathan murmured as his fingers absently played with my hair that was fanned out on the pillow.

Before I could form another word his lips were on mine. I don't know who had moved first, I didn't remember and we were trading short but abrupt kisses. I made an effort to pull him closer my fingers gripping the fabric of his T-shirt, feeling the muffled shifting beneath my hands. His clothes were layered now, a long sleeve T-shirt over a short sleeve one. My hands continued to move restlessly, from his back to his shoulders to his chest, to his torso and hips finally my fingers settling on the hand between his T-shirts.

My fingers moved slowly and I was almost under the first shirt before Nathan paused.

"What are you doing?" He inquired.

"I want… To touch you." I answered honestly.

Nathan frowned briefly.

"Touch me how?"

"I don't know…" Then I smirked. "Above the belt I promise."

Nathan grinned before kissing me again.

 

We moved slowly, carefully, taking things just as slow as Nathan one of them. Slowly Nathan pulled off his T-shirts and I had shrugged out of my sweater, leaving only my T-shirt underneath. My fingers explored his skin touching him in ways I hadn't before but knew I had to put the brakes on some time.

I liked the way his body was pressed against mine, letting me feel the hard planes of his body, but not so overtly sexual it made me uncomfortable. In the back of my mind I could feel the faint beginnings of arousal… Because it was him I wanted, only him.

"Touch me." I whispered. "I won't make you do anything you don't want to do, I promise." I reassured him.

"Where?" He asked, and I could see the blooming curiosity on his face although it was guarded as if he was afraid of doing something wrong.

"Here." I settled his hand over my breast, but I left it there without further comment. "Move your fingers," I murmured. "Back and forth, back and forth, that's it."

For the next few minutes we explored in silence as I gently slid his hand under my shirt and this time I didn't have to verbally instruct him. The touch of our skin was almost electric, making me shiver in ways I hadn't before and now I understood why people wanted more, wanted to be closer, as close as humanly possible.

I wanted him to touch me without the barrier of clothing, I wanted him to touch me in the soft intimate places only I knew of… But I also knew that was a big no-no from where we stood, I knew why people waited to be intimate for a reason.

"I want so much more than this," I whispered, "I want you to touch me when I don't have any clothes on in "other" places."

Nathan chuckled.

"Getting a bit ahead of yourself aren't you V… That can wait, can wait until we're both married." It was the practical answer I expected from even in a slightly charged and romantic setting.

"Just for once I want you to hold me, just hold me… I just want to be close to you."

So we settled back in his bed and Nathan's arms wrapped around me our bodies close together as comfortably possible without being overly intimate. Our clothes were rumpled and my hair was a mess but I didn't care I was just content to lie in his arms, with his body pressed against mine and him breathing softly in my ear.

That was how we fell asleep.

10: Chapter 9

Things were slightly awkward between Nathan and I the following morning, particularly after Tyler was up.

"Hey Vivian, I never saw you come in last night what happened?"

I glanced at Nathan and didn't answer I could already feel the blush flooding my face.

"What business is that of yours?" I asked carefully.

Tyler shrugged as he made his way around the kitchen searching for breakfast.

"I don't know just curious, I never saw you come in, you weren't on the couch when I got up. I mean, it didn't look slept in."

"It's not your business to keep track of my every move." I said sourly, feeling more peeved by the moment.

"You're right," Tyler answered, "it's not." That seemed to be the end of it.

"If you want to know Ty, she was with me, we were… Talking." Nathan finally spoke since his roommate had entered the kitchen.

"But she never came back…" Then I saw the pieces fall together in place on his face.

"She was with you…" He said slowly, "wait a minute, did you guys sleep together?"

"No." Nathan responded flatly, "I mean, we did sleep, but we didn't," his fingers came up in his infamous air quotes, "sleep together"." What would that matter it's not like either of us was going to, we're better than that."

Tyler flushed.

"Being a Christian isn't easy man," Tyler said softly, "I'm not perfect, that doesn't mean I'm not like any other guy."

He let this statement sink in before anyone spoke again.

"Don't talk to me about easy Ty," Nathan said in a tone of voice I hardly ever heard, low and dangerous, "you don't know the half of it." Then his face hardened briefly and his blue eyes snapped in a way that told me he was upset or annoyed. "Wait… You want to sleep with her."

Before Tyler could answer I cut in.

"Will you stop talking about me like I'm not even here?" I demanded.

Nathan looked sheepish.

"Sorry V, seems like things got a little out of hand." He leveled a look at his roommate again. "You like her." He said as if the possibility had just occurred to him, but his expression remains stubbornly neutral.

"So what if I do?" Tyler demanded his voice rising, "it's not like you do!"

"I care about her," Nathan said fiercely, "and if you do something stupid…" Nathan rose from the table and headed in the direction of his room. "You can find yourself another roommate."

 

Tyler and Nathan still weren't speaking by the time they left for work an hour later. This left me alone in the apartment so I could think and work on my book. I tried to focus on my book but the words and thoughts didn't come easily, they kept bumping into the thoughts of what I had witnessed that morning and my night with Nathan the night before.

It was by lunchtime I decided to go up to the University I figured Nathan was probably finished with his work for the time being and could spare a few minutes.

I picked up the sandwich at the same place I had the previous week and headed for the University. I asked at the front desk where Nathan's office was and the lady at the front desk told me.

 

He was in one of the adjunct faculty offices, and office no bigger than a broom closet with a desk in one corner and a filing cabinet in the other the rest of the space was taken up with a computer and folders upon folders of files.

When Nathan looked up, he seemed surprised to see me.

"Vivian? What are you doing here?"

"I needed to talk to you." I said seriously.

Nathan sighed.

"V," he said softly, "I really don't have time to talk, I have a class in an hour and I still have to go eat lunch."

"I held up my sandwich I had gotten from the deli across the street.

"Mind if I join you?"

 

We set out on a bench in the quad eating our lunches and for a while we didn't speak.

"What did you one talk about?" Nathan asked taking a bite out of his sandwich.

"The harassment you've gotten from some students here and…" I paused briefly, "us, what happened last night."

"I can't be that up front with my supervisor," Nathan said flatly, "I don't want to be, I'm not dragging my personal life into what's going on here."

"So what about Darren and Scott?" I demanded, "you just going to let them beat you up every day for the sake of keeping your privacy?"

Nathan didn't answer.

"I don't want to talk about this." Nathan said quietly, "what's going on with me personally has nothing to do what's going on with my work, and if it does I'll deal with it when I come to it."

"What about us?" I asked.

"What about us?" Nathan questioned.

"We've something going on or not?" I demanded.

Nathan ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't know." He muttered, "I've so much going on I don't even know if I want to tackle a relationship right now."

"You said we could try." I reminded him, "really, I don't want to keep fighting with you."

"Maybe after my thesis is done." Nathan finally answered, "maybe then."

We were just finishing when a stern looking man walked up to Nathan. Automatically Nathan rose his hand extended in greeting.

"Nathan, I've been looking for you… You weren't in your office… They said you were out here. I need to see you in my office.

 

From where I sat outside the advisor's office I could hear the raised voices, although I couldn't make out what was being said. Fifteen minutes later Nathan appeared he looked stressed and tired.

My advisor found out about the students harassing me in class." He finally said, "I'm not out and they'll let me finish my thesis… He just gave me a warning that if it becomes a problem I'm going to have to find somewhere else to finish my degree." Nathan shook his head, "There was no point in giving him the details," he shifted uncomfortably jamming his hands into his pockets, "he didn't need to know that, that's my business."

 

I returned to the apartment soon after that and resumed my writing, only feeling marginally better. The idea of me and Nathan being in a relationship was still up in the air but there were so many other contributing factors and I tried not to think that his sexuality was the reason for that.

 

11: Chapter 10

After my talk with Nathan on campus I was in a sour mood for the rest of the week. So much for damage control, but Nathan was right we weren't little kids anymore and are situation-not to mention my feelings-had changed.

Nathan and I were in a vast no man's land where there was no way out of anything, it was emotional and intense which probably attributed to the brief arguments we had over the past few weeks (and Nathan and I hardly ever disagreed on anything).

 

Everything came to a head one evening leading into the second week in February when I had been in North Carolina for a little over two weeks. I was just coming out of the shower intent on crashing in front of the TV until I went to bed (on the couch this time) when the doorbell rang.

I was still in the hallway so I could only hear voices, Nathan and another guy they were talking quietly, as if they didn't want to be overheard.

"So when can you come by?" The other guy asked.

I could almost see Nathan pulling out his phone as he spoke.

"Wednesday is good I think." Nathan answered, "I can come by after work. Did you want to go out or did you want to meet over at  your place?"

"Your place may be better," Nathan cleared his throat in a way that suggested he was nervous or uncomfortable or something, "we'll have more privacy then."

I held my breath, I could feel chills running up and down my spine and not the good kind.

"Alright." Nathan's tone was decisive and I could tell he had made up his mind about something. It was the tone of voice I was used to hearing over the phone when we had made plans to get together.

I could tell the other guy was smiling.

"Okay, I'll see you then."

"Alright." Nathan moved towards the door again. Shortly before the other man left they embraced, but I couldn't make out all the words. From where I stood in the hallway I could tell the other man had brown hair, was of a similar build to Nathan and was wearing jeans and a simple button up shirt. "You know God still loves you, I know you still searching Nate, but you can get through this, I promise. Just hold on."

They pulled apart and smiled at each other.

"Thanks." Nathan nodded.

"Nathan?" I croaked, his name caught somewhere in my throat. It must've been loud enough because he turned around, looked at me, and frowned.

"Vivian?"

I was running before I realized it, bolting through the gap in the door the cold wind hitting me like a slap in the face. The icy temperature cut through my clothing easily and barely a block from the apartment complex I was already shivering.

I barely remembered Nathan calling after me as he said a hasty goodbye to his friend and took off after me, I knew he was coming but I didn't want him to catch me, not yet, no matter how cold I was.

I was outside a nearby  housing development before he caught up with me and I was stunned that I had run so far, but I had to get away. However, the truth thing I wanted to get away from I couldn't get away from and that was the thoughts and feelings inside my own head.

Nathan found me sitting huddled on the wall outside a housing complex that said Sunny Grove on the sign nearby.

"Hey, V, why'd you take off like that?" As he spoke he climbed up on the wall next to me.

"I couldn't take it." I muttered, "it hurts too much."

"What hurts?" Nathan asked, his voice softening in a way that made my insides melt.

"Everything, everything associated with you is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. Oh yeah, and you didn't tell me you were in a relationship, he seems like a nice guy… That hurts even more. I didn't expect anything from you I just--I was stupid, so stupid."

Nathan gave a short burst of laughter and when I dared to look up at him his eyes were twinkling with a vague amusement.

"What's so funny?" I asked, still feeling peeved.

"Relationship? What relationship?" Then a look of comprehension dawned on his face, "oh you thought-me and Chad--?" His shoulders shook with silent laughter, but I didn't think it was so funny.

Nathan leveled a look at me, that serious look that made me feel like he was staring into my very soul. "I told you I wouldn't get involved with another guy, that goes against what I believe. You know that. I'm predominantly attracted to girls, but occasionally, I'm attracted to guys and sometimes vice versa, that's all. Chad is a guy from church, he's been helping me through this as have a lot of the people in my small group. The thing I'm conflicted about is the fact that I am bisexual, but I am also Christian and trying to find a balance in that… Excepting who I am."

He saw me shiver and frowned again.

"You must be freezing!" And immediately he was unzipping his coat to pull it around me. "You'll catch your death a cold." He said, he was smiling faintly. Nathan zipped the coat up pulling the hood up over my damp hair. The coat was about two sizes too big but I didn't care, it was better than my thin sweater I was wearing and the jeans I had pulled on after my shower. Then his arms went around me any held me close, I let my head fall against his chest feeling his steady heartbeat drumming continuously in my ear, that was comforting.

"No matter what happens, I'm here, I'm still me, I'm here." He murmured, his chin resting on top of my head.

"It's complicated." I whimpered, "I have all these feelings and I can't tell you and I have love pouring out of me… Like I could build walls around you to protect you from everything you're going through."

Nathan's hands rubbed in my shoulders and I could feel heat, both from his body and from the coat I was wearing seeping into every inch of my frozen skin. I wanted to crawl inside him and stay like that, protected and secure.

Nathan tilted my face so I was looking at him and I was pulled back into the hypnotic gaze of his blue eyes.

"Your lips are turning blue." He murmured, "I better get you back inside, this is no place to be right now."

Then he kissed me, the kiss was light and sweet that I could tell he meant it in the only way he could. I wanted to wrap my arms around him but at the moment I was too cold to move so I simply tilted my head deepening the kiss a little more warmth flooding my body but from where I couldn't tell. Finally he pulled away and smiled gently, his eyes soft.

"Come on V," he said in that same soothing voice, "let's go home."

 

I was thankful Tyler who was waiting for us at the door when we returned, didn't say anything. He didn't ask why I had run off or anything like that, he simply held open the door and followed after us as Nathan sat me down in the kitchen.

"Sit down, I'll make you some hot chocolate." Then he turned and began searching the cupboards for supplies.

I watched idly as he rushed around the kitchen grabbing a mug from one cabinet and a packet of something from another. As he filled the mug with hot water he continued speaking,

"Sorry if it's not the good stuff, but it's all the grocery here has."

I shrugged, and this point I didn't care.

A few minutes later he set the mug down in front of me I paused momentarily letting the steam warm my face and hands.

"Drink that." Nathan ordered firmly, "you're freezing, and I'll feel really bad if you get sick."

I nodded knowing he would.

"What happened?" Tyler asked cautiously and I could feel his gaze shifting between Nathan and me trying to pinpoint what was wrong.

Nathan shook his head. "Nevermind Ty," he sighed running a hand through his hair, "just a brief misunderstanding."

 

I was finishing my hot chocolate before Nathan and I spoke again.

"Would it be better if I left?" I asked, "I know Tyler nearly begged me to come, but Darren and Scott won't be a problem anymore, will they?"

Nathan shook his head.

"I don't think so, I was told today they were sent to the Dean on grounds for harassment… On my account, not theirs."

I nodded without saying anything taking a minute to absorb this information.

"Should I leave?" I asked again.

"No," Nathan said in a starkly harsh tone that told me in about two seconds he was joking, "I want you to stay here forever!"

He grinned and I grinned in response.

My voice was controlled when I spoke again.

"I'll be gone by Wednesday morning," I said tonelessly as I rose and headed in the direction of the living room. I paused by the chair my fingers lingering briefly on Nathan's cheek, "you don't need me do you, Mr. PhD," I smiled faintly, "I know you can stand on your own two feet, you've always been able to."

 

It was still dark when I got up on Wednesday morning, by the state of the apartment I knew Nathan and Tyler was still sound asleep, and Nathan wasn't even due to get up for another two hours (it would be longer if he had his way).

Leaving Tyler's room at the end of the hall undisturbed, I tiptoed quietly towards Nathan's room cracking the door ever so slightly.

He was sound asleep his face facing towards me his mouth slightly ajar his eyes closed his pale lashes catching the light from the open door. I smiled at him again.

Tiptoeing quietly I stood beside his bed and gently I pushed a strand of hair off his forehead.

"Don't work too hard," I murmured to his sleeping figure and leaning down I brushed a chaste kiss across his forehead, "…I love you."

Nathan twitched in his sleep before rolling over mumbling slightly and I hastily left the room before he realized I had ever been there.

 

I left the house quietly locking the door behind me making my way for my little red car on the curb I would pick up another car from the airport rental facility once I returned to Tennessee. Silently I drove to the airport not even turning on the radio it was still too early. While in the air as the plane made its way back to the Midwest I was suddenly struck by an idea, an idea that had been eluding me ever since I had first arrived in North Carolina. Bypassing my in-progress novel, I opened a new document. Carefully, I began to type the words seeming to flow of my fingers.

Slowly I typed the first two words: Damage Control.

 

12: Chapter 11

Upon arrival back in Tennessee I contemplated on where to go next. I knew I couldn't go back to my parents house because everything that had happened would show on my face, I didn't feel like dealing with my mother's questions let alone her reaction (not to mention my dad's) that my best friend was bisexual.

So I headed for the next best place, a friend's house, someone I could trust with this information and my conflicting emotions.

Ms. Tilly Anderson was an older African-American woman I had become friends with over the years. We had met one summer when I was ten she was almost 60 now that she hadn't changed much with her baking and gardening in the other things she did to occupy her time. I knew she had lost her husband some years back although the exact details of how it in happened were unknown to me.

 It was a good thirty minutes drive which gave me time to think and organize my thoughts. My thoughts still racing I turned down the dirt road towards her ranch house which was well outside the city limits of the suburb where I lived. It was a quiet afternoon so I figured she had to be home and judging by the beat down truck that was parked in the driveway I figured she was. Getting out of my car (which I had picked up from the airport upon my arrival back in Tennessee) I walked up to her porch and gently knocked on the door. It was a few minutes before the door opened, although I could hear her muttering from behind the closed door.

"Coming, coming, keep your shirt on!"

I chuckled as I waited for the door to be opened.

Then there she was, a robust woman with a kind face and shining brown eyes.

"Vivian!" Her face brightened instantly, "how are you dear, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I was just hoping you had some time Tilly…" I said, "life just got a whole lot more complicated for me and my best friend just gave me some unexpected news."

She opened the door.

"Well come in," she said, "no use standing out here, it's not spring yet."

 

A few minutes later I am seated in her living room.

 

"Can I get you anything?" She asked, "Tea, lemonade, water?"

"Now why would I pass up on your world famous lemonade?" I asked rhetorically.

Tilly chuckled and she headed for the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with two glasses of lemonade.

"Now what's on your mind child?" She asked looking at me intently, "you're going to give yourself wrinkles frowning like that."

"My best friend just told me something I wasn't expecting… Something personal… Something that has the potential to change our lives forever, as if they are not complicated enough."

Tilly continued to look at me waiting for me to continue.

"You remember Nathan right?" I asked.

Tilly nodded, smiling.

"Nathan is a nice young man if I ever saw one, Mark my words you're going to marry him one day Vivian, haven't seen two people so right for each other since me and my Samuel." She smiled fondly at the memory of her late husband.

"He told me he's bisexual." I blurted, unsure of how else to get the information out. "Please don't preach at me and tell me he's going to hell or whatever," I continued, "you know I love him Tilly, I wouldn't wish this on him for anything… He has a good heart and that he has to struggle with this… It makes my heart hurt."

"Now, now," Tilly said soothingly, "it's not my place to pass judgment, that's for the Man upstairs, and you know just because Nathan feels that way doesn't change who he is."

I nodded.

"Seems what he needs is a friend, and that's exactly what you are and you keep continuing to be that."

"Our friendship is so complicated now." I muttered, "not only am I in love with him, and trust me he only knows half of it, now this that seems to make everything impossible."

"Nothing is impossible with God." Tilly quoted wisely, "you just keep the faith, the Lord's looking out for you it will be right when He says it is and he's working Nathan's life too."

I nodded again.

"I feel like everything feels so complicated…" I mumbled, "we can't keep going on at this in between stage we're in right now, we're not friends but we're not boyfriend and girlfriend either. I feel too close to him like sometimes I'm losing part of myself. When he told me… Felt like it had become my problem… That's how close we are."

Tilly chuckled.

"You don't have to tell me that, I know… That one person that you feel like they're meant for you, trust me I know how that feels."

We smiled at each other.

"You told him how you feel right?" Tilly asked.

"He pretty much told me "no"." I said, "but I didn't feel disappointed when he did… I've been waiting all these months and years hoping these feelings would go away and they haven't… If anything they've gotten stronger… And when he told me… It only made me love him more, I guess I'm proud that he's standing up for something and speaking out for himself. I think he's scared… Scared of how to approach this, scared of losing our friendship, but there's something between us, I feel it."

"Did you tell him this?" Tilly questioned.

I shook my head.

"Tell him."

I shook my head again.

"I can't, I don't want to lose him." I whispered, my voice cracking slightly.

"Vivian, child," her voice suddenly sounded stern, "if Nathan is meant to be in your life romantically or otherwise God will keep him there, trust Him."

I nodded.

"I will." I murmured, reflexively curling my fingers around my glass which was almost empty of the lemonade. "Guess I better get going… I still have to tell my mother I'm home."

"You tell your mother I said hello." Tilly said.

I nodded, "I will. Thanks for listening."

"Anytime…" She smiled softly, her dark eyes crinkling, "you keep your chin up, you hear… Have faith."

 

I gave her a wan smile as I headed out the door, the trip to my car seemed to take forever and I was less than enthusiastic about heading back to my parents' house… Going home wasn't going to be easy.

 

Nevertheless my mother was a little surprised to see me.

"Vivian…" She murmured, "how was your trip?"

I shook my head.

"Nevermind," I said, "it wasn't for pleasure if that's what you mean." I rubbed my temples. "It's complicated."

She dropped it after that and I was glad she didn't press the point because telling her why I had gone to North Carolina in the first place would lead to answering questions I didn't want to answer.

 

I returned to my apartment just as it was getting dark. For now I needed to take some time to unwind and let my brain decompress. I didn't want to deal with life anymore, at least for the foreseeable future.

I was just getting ready to put in a movie and pop popcorn when my cell phone rang. I recognized the ring tone immediately (Coldplay's "Yellow") but didn't even have to look at the caller ID to know who it was.

"Hello." I said without preamble, "Hey Nathan, what's up?"

"I'm coming back to the Midwest in a couple weeks," he said, "I'm giving a speech to a Christian college in Indiana," he paused briefly, "on sexual orientation… Stuff like that… You can drive up if you want. I'm coming back to Nashville on Thursday."

I nodded.

"Good." I murmured. "I'll see what's going on thens. What week is that?" I asked.

"About mid-March," Nathan confirmed, "somewhere between the twelfth and the fifteenth."

"Okay." I whispered, "I'll see you then."

"Alright…" There was another pregnant pause, "I'll see you then."

I hung up the phone smiling before returning to the movie and dashing to rescue the popcorn from burning in the microwave.

 

13: Chapter 12

A little over a month later I am pulling into the college campus. It's smaller and more understated than the UNC campus, but bigger than the community college I went to… It is a university after all.

I spent the next few minutes trying to locate the room where Nathan would  be speaking and soon I am on my way headed in the direction the front desk receptionist has indicated.

 

The room I walked into is a small classroom with a number of small desks like I was used to seeing at the community college. Currently, most of these desks are filled with chattering students immersed in their own conversations, my eyes sweep the room before I spot Nathan talking to another guy who is perhaps a few years older than us but no more than twenty-eight or twenty-nine. (Although that's hard to gauge just from looking at somebody).

As soon as there is a break in the conversation I walk up to them.

Then Nathan notices me and his face instantly brightens, something I don't think I could ever get tired of.

"Hey I made it." I said simply.

"That's great." Nathan replies with a smile and he introduces the man used talking to as Derek, who is providing a counterbalance to his speech with the opposing viewpoint.

"I really don't have time to talk right now," Nathan says, "why don't you find a seat we'll begin in a few minutes."

I find a seat in the back of the room but at a point where I can still see. I don't really know anybody else other than Nathan in the room so I feel awkward putting myself into a crowd of people I don't know, at least not with the intention of getting to know them.

 

My heart swells with pride hearing Nathan speak. The subject of sexual orientation and how it applies to his life also counterbalanced with his values is obviously something he is very passionate about and it is good to hear him speak even if I don't directly relate to this topic.

After he is finished speaking he and Derek open the floor for questions and at first there are hardly any and given the topic I can understand people's hesitancy. Most of the questions are about how Nathan deal strip his day-to-day life which I would have expected, even if I can't directly relate to this I can understand it. Derek and Nathan are still taking questions from the small cluster of students that have gathered in the room when I finally spot Tyler. Like me, he has taken his seat in the back of the room where he is seated arms crossed as he listens to Nathan as he finishes up on the podium.

Finally, the discussion draws to a close and the students begin to leave and after a few minutes it is only a few straggling students and Nathan, Derek and me. It isn't until then I notice Tyler hasn't left either and soon the four of us are standing around the podium still talking.

"Nathan didn't say anything about you coming?" I commented to Tyler.

Tyler shrugged.

"Well I came, for… Moral support." He and Nathan grin at each other and is a brief moment between two guys and I am glad he has more friends now.

Tyler lowers his voice and looks around for a few minutes before speaking again.

"Also… Vivian I wanted to talk to you about what happened between us… I know Nate means a lot to you and if I intruded on that I am sorry."

I nodded slowly.

"I don't know," I replied, "maybe I need to be more open to other relationships, but all I know is I can't consider anything else until I make peace with what's going on with Nathan and me it may be something, it may be nothing, but I know he needs me right now."

Tyler nodded.

"Alright, I respect that, but if you ever change your mind look me up."

I smiled at him.

"I will."

 

My attention turns back to the conversation at large Derek and Nathan are still discussing whatever they were talking about, although the exact details are unknown to me and it is a few minutes before I realized Derek has addressed me.

"Did you enjoy the talk?" He asked.

"Yeah sure." I answered, "I may not directly relate to some of these issues but I want to be as supportive as I can." I walked over to where Nathan was standing and slid an arm around his waist squeezing lightly. "I'm so proud of this guy I think it takes guts to stand up for something like this… Particularly since it something sensitive that people may raise their eyebrows at. I just want to be supportive… I love him, that's all I care about."

Derek smiled. "That's good, that's what Nathan and all these other people want particularly as fellow Christians… To be loved."

I was only half listening to his reply however because I had drifted off somewhere else and as Nathan and I smiled at each other (a smile that was half gratitude and half embarrassed amusement) my world only exists some point beyond his eyes.

 

Sometime later Nathan and I were walking across campus as I returned my car.

"I'm so proud of you, that was great what you did in there… Maybe people were less responsive than you would of liked but…"

Nathan nodded.

"Yeah…" He murmured, "no one really touched on the theology side of things."

Silence fell again between us.

"When will I see you again?" I asked softly.

Nathan smirked faintly.

"You're seeing me on Thursday, remember?"

I laughed uneasily.

"Oh yeah, right." I mumbled immediately feeling stupid.

"My visits with you always seemed so rushed…" I mused, "I always wish you had more time, like everything we ever want to do or say is crammed into two or three hours together. I wish we had more time together, more spread out."

Nathan nodded.

"I know. I'll have more time after I get my degree, I promise." He looked at me steadily and his blue eyes said that was a promise he intended to keep.

I looked up at him, my next words coming out soft and broken.

"I don't know what I expect of you, but I just wish I could figure out our relationship whatever it is or at least come up with something we can both live with. I'm just curious I guess… What we could be."

Nathan nodded. "I understand."

"We'll figure it out, next summer, after I graduate. I'll have time then before I start work… Whatever that's going to be. I'll either be in Chastity Hills, here in Indiana, or at one of the locations for Google… I don't know yet."

His eyes held mine, and in that moment he didn't have to touch me for me to feel the intimacy and conviction of his words everything I needed was set in the twin blue pools before me.

 

Slowly I got back into my car although it was a while before I drove away and for a few minutes Nathan and I just looked at each other before I even shut the car door. Finally however, I made myself move I shut the door and pulled the car (another rental) out of the parking spot. There on the sidewalk Nathan was still standing and he stood there, his hands in his pockets watching me. I would be lying if I said I wasn't watching him in the rearview mirror as I drove away.