Sparkatale

This appears as a monolithic block of print.  It desperately needs PARAGRAPHING.  When the narrative switches topics or characters, hit the enter tab.  A new paragraph will be created. 

There are many intrusive commas:  His, fiery red, hair flying up behind him as he did. --omit the comma after his and after red.:  His fiery red hair ...etc.  Also, this is a sentence fragment. 

The whole text needs a careful and attentive pre-post edit.  Good luck.

I appreciate the criticism and will keep it in mind in the future. However, you assume I typed this in the site and on a P.C./Laptop. It was typed up on my phone in an office app and was copy pasted to the site. So it DID have PARAGRAPHING when it was originally written. I also went through it and hit the arrow key to make sure it was still in paragraph form, but I guess the site didn't register it. I'm also lucky if I can get the site to work without freezing and crashing. It's exceedingly frustrating espscially when trying to do it on a 3.4 in. screen. So keep that in mind the next time you critique someone's work.