Sparkatale

Just starting the next chapter now - this comment will be written on my mobile so it'll probably just be a wall of text and spelling mistakes so I apologize ^^` I do like Daniel and Bran's banter, it's believable, snappy and witty. They have very clear personality traits, and the early dialogue flows very well. New characters are announced; I was actually surprised by Arlye and his non-human origins - this is a real mix of different species already, and humans would already be in contact with other forms of life. It was an interesting update! Again the conversation between him and Georgia Crox was believable and interesting. You could tell that they were well-acquainted. This chapter does a better job than the worst of describing the world they're on, seen through the eyes of a human for the first time as opposed to Sokoro and her kind who are well used to their surroundings. I guess the complaints here are the same as the first chapter; there's a lot of tense-swapping here (something I'm still struggling with myself!) where you move from past tense to present tense and then back again. If you're ever editing there would be no harm going back over your work to decide which tense would suit better. Another is the description of the ships themselves - there is a ton of description all in one paragraph, where to most people and readers they would never notice every single thing about an object on first glance. Some description is fine but the over-saturation of describing the ship took me out of it for a second. You can sprinkle descriptions of the shop throughout the entire chapter to spread out the info (for example, mention its size in one paragraph, mention its thrusters in another paragraph when it lands, mention its shape in another paragraph as people leave the ship and observe it etc.) Other than that this was another solid chapter though - it expanded on the first and introduced more characters and backstories and gave us another POV and I really appreciated it. Good job!

yeah.... it's a issue for me. i hopefully improved as it went on.

Ah there's no worries on that! My work is always the same before going back on it and finding the things to edit ^^' there's a solid story here!

Hi, I just took a look into chapter 3 (do let me know if my constant comments are annoying lol) but what I can immediately say is that there's definite improvement compared to the previous two chapters, a bit less tense-mixing than the others, and a lot more world-building. Sokoro is really coming into her own as a character; her excitement is very clearly visible, and honestly I didn't expect to see back-story about her parents. It adds a bit more weight, obviously going through such a trumatic event and still smiling despite it all. 

Again, more world-building, touching on the festival and mentioning the excitement surrounding the Silver Aerid (nicely showcasing that the big world-altering change is actually the human's arrival, I liked that!) and you mentioned the previous Silver Aerid and the omen that he was, which again allows us to know more about this world's history and I thought it was a great way of showing us rather than telling us. 

The end paragraph set things up very nicely for the next chapter as well!

Again, improvements were made. Still a little bit of tense-swapping and spelling, but nothing that editing can't fix! I'd imagine the next few chapters will be even better again, especially when both POVs encounter one another. Keep it up!

you are really barreling through this. and yeah, i can world build. its both the benefit and the curse of a autistic mind: it never stops.

 

also, if i gave Sokuro's parents names to a gender, let me know cause, like i said, i forgot. their names are Inoute and Amosit. i honestly forgot which name is the dad's and which name is the mom's.

Reading a chapter a day isn't too taxing, I'm reading it in work so I have plenty of time to comb over it!

Again, the immediate impression I'm getting here is that of improvement; there's more confidence in writing here, less mistakes than the others, and the dialogue between Crox and Arlye is the best I've seen so far in the novel. I'm warming up to Crox in particular as a character. The introduction of Arline in this chapter was also really well set-up, especially since this character explained more about the world through conversation instead of you simply telling us. Very well done there.

The shift to Bran  - to show the perspective of somebody actually on the ground - was a great shift as well. The reader can see the difference between somebody on the ground and those in command. Great description and introduction to firearms in this chapter as well. You use Bran to explore more of the world as well for the reader, introducing us to some of the creatures that inhabit it. I lost my LIFE to the ostrich with a face as the front of its body ^^' 

The shift to Sokoro's point of view - retelling the events up until the collison with Bran, just through her eyes instead - was also really well done. They are two completely different characters, so to see them actually interact with each other was interesting! Sokoro and the characters she lives with are much more mischevious and playful compared to the comparitively-cautious humans, so again you did a great job of differtiating them. The introduction of an entirely different language to their ears was great! I didn't expect it, there's a clear language barrier but even by the end of this chapter they were starting to figure things out!

As I said earlier, this chapter is improved and better than the last few. The usual niggles are still present but they're fewer in number and again, a quick edit would fix them out. This is getting better with each chapter and I'm pretty invested in it now. Great work!