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I guess I can admit to being the kind of person who cares way too much about her physical appearance. I buy this, and I buy that. Products, products, products. Although I don't use a whole lot of make up because my skin is naturally awesome (Thank God for that).
I workout to stay in shape, even though I don't gain a lot of weight when I eat too much. When my boyfriend buys a coke and a bag of chips for a Friday evening, I'll just grab an apple. I practiced in my apartment for hours to walk sexy in high heels that hurt like hell whenever I actually go outside. I read all the fashion magazines and buy the clothes you should buy.
But no matter how hard I try, I'm never perfect to me. And my opinions are influenced by the media's standards. I'm like a prisoner, in a sense.
Am I happy? I guess? I don't know.
Is it worth it? Having guys eye you up and down when you walk down the street, which they wouldn't if your habits were different?
You tell me. Is it?
Commented on: December 21, 2013
Hey, I read your post! =)
Here's my humble opinion.
First of all, I love opening lines that throws you right into the action. Intriguing, suspense stuff. It really caught my attention, and will probably do the same to other readers!
I only noticed one or two comma splices (not including those meant to create effect) and a word that changed to past tense in the middle of the sentence. (Even though I usually don't read present tense a whole lot) A few misplaced semicolons or missing commas. (If you want, we can go through this and see if we're both on the same page!)
There are rules when punctuating dialogue in fiction I believe. Firstly, a comma should be used between the dialogue and the tag line.
"It's in my pocket," she told him. "Wait here." (Note that the tag line is in lower case after a comma.)
Secondly, when a tag line interrupts a sentence, it should be set off by commas. "If you," she said, "would be so kind as to shut the *beep* up." (Not that the first letter of the second half is in lower case.)
If it's a new sentence, it should be upper case of course. "Don't move, assbag!" She pointed her gun at the man.
There are some other rules regarding other punctuation (question marks, exclamation marks, semicolons, dash etc) but those aren't relevant here. As long as they pertain the material within the quotation marks, it's fine.
Interior dialogue could be in italics to make it more clearly.
As I stated at first, I loved the opening. But as the story went on I started questioning some of the characters' decisions. I could never be sure if you intended it to be that way either, because you mentioned the problems yourself! (Guards wanting to move up in ranks, for instance.)
I wondered why Alexander could be so indulgent with her considering what she had done. My thought would be that thieves and starving/orphaned children were never really taken care of. I figured his first thoughts would go to his family and their safety first-hand, since she was a criminal. Stealing from the royal family no less. Why risk both his and his family's lives for a stranger?
But that was also kind of odd to me. Why would they go so far as to steal from the royal family? If there was such a shortage of food, why would the family let her in? Another hungry mouth to feed must be devastating for any family, as they didn't seem to be particularly wealthy either.
Showing such hospitality for a stranger during times like that (strengthened by the fact that her village was burnt down for no reason... cruel) would seem odd. But maybe that's their culture? I don't know.
Why would the Royal Assassin take such lengths as to chase a mere food thief across the borders? He was either well known (understandable, but maybe not the best for an assassin) or they had had a history, since she knew his name.(?)
A weird thing happened in chapter two when Alexander almost said her other name Allie instead of Ellie. Considering they had known each other for a while (even though he had been away) and that he only knew her real name from the wanted posters (if it's even in there?). I would only do that if I had known the person for a while, and then that person suddenly changed his/her name.
Was this intended? Like, I don't think they had met before, that became pretty obvious during their first meeting.
I did like the fact that Alexander came back worried and told her she had to leave. I figured he had been informed that she was still in the country or something? Or at least that they had gotten some clues about her whereabouts (I can understand though that stealing from the royal family is a huge crime here).
If everything I've mentioned so far is intentional, I'm eager to see what you have in store for us! And I'll also have to apologize. xD
The world still feels like a mystery to me, which is nice. There are lots of thing I'm curious about, and how it will unravel.
The writing is easy to follow, and I mentioned before why I had to stop a few times.
I'm sure many adventures awaits Ellie, and it seems like Alexander is planning on accompanying her for the time being. At least they 'shared' a laugh together. Eager to see what will happen next. =)
Commented on: December 11, 2013
It's nice to see that a lot of stories from other sites are finding their way over here. I read this on fictionpress a while ago!
And I support pirates, romance and whatnot!
Commented on: December 10, 2013
Oh, holy crap. I actually left out a few parts! xD (I think I stopped writing and started at the ending...) I guess I'll add it. Lucky you pointed it out!
But even so, yeah. There is one part that will be kinda rushed due to personal... reasons. I hate this story, and it's been a real pain to write it. So it feels really good to be able to leave it and move on. It was originally a suggestion from someone I'm talking a lot with.
The conversation with the detective is based on an actual conversation I had with one after the real kidnapping incident (Not all of them are hot and professional like the ones in crime shows!). He was later replaced by someone who had more experience talking to children, which I was grateful for.
Thank you for reading. :)
Commented on: November 21, 2013
I'm writing this in first-person with two purposes. One. Everything is seen through my eyes, and the reader sees the world through me. An objective version of it, if you will. Therefore, the reader will have the exact same knowledge as me. If I happen to pass out, the reader will obviously not know what actually happened. But that doesn't mean you're not free to speculate! :)
So far, all the people I've talked with haven't had problems understanding what happened in the last two chapters, so I don't know...
And let me clear some things up. This story is based on ME. My name is Mira, and my brother's name is Noah. Any detail regarding me or someone in my faimly is completely true.
Will there be another chapter? Who knows... xD
Commented on: November 19, 2013
I guess I'll have to start by apologizing for not reading all the chapters yet. Geez, it feels like I've been doing this a lot lately (I'm currently sitting on a commuter train, by the way). But seriously, try having an awesome relationship, a mischievous cat, video games (hehe), and go to law school at the same time and see how much free time you have left!
Anyway, (putting my first embarrassing comment aside...) I have to agree that every great adventure starts with a train. It must be something magical about trains, and obviously not the people riding it. Logical correlation. Period.
I liked how the dialogue carried on the first chapter. It was very easy to follow - clear and simple. And the writing is like... melted butter! Delicious! (Haha. weird.)
I've liked plots that introduce the problems, solutions, everything, etc in the first chapter; thus, I though it worked out good. Also, it was a nice introduction to Leviathan, and when compared with his behavior in the following chapters, gave him a little bit of depth.
I was a little bit confused in the third chapter when they mentioned Greek spells. From the first chapter, I got the feeling of a fantasy world with a bit of a modern setting. So I just want to know whether I'm retarded or if this is taking place in our world (altered obviously).
Some adverbs that modified the verb 'said' (or an equivalent) felt quite unnecessary at times. It slowed the reading down a bit, and didn't really contribute with anything that the reader's imagination wouldn't be able to find. And a lot of the sentences would have the same meaning without them.
This is really nice so far. I mean, who doesn't love Magic and Stuff? The length of the chapters usually feels good. Although some of them could've been a bit longer, but overall it's nice. I don't enjoy reading insanely long paragraphs anyway, so this suited me well. It was like. Awesome. Huhuhuhuhu. Oddball no.1 - out!
Good luck and keep it up! =D
Commented on: November 10, 2013
I don't think I've seen a whole lot of fantasy stories with a more modern/futuristic setting. Intriguing!
I would probably want my life to be easy. So being a free-lancer is a no-go for me.
However, I would suggest you'd drop the honorifics when it's not in a dialogue or thoughts. You, the narrator, shouldn't know these characters, and when you read it out loud, it kind of sounds awkward.
The writing so far is smooth and easy to follow; I only had to stop a couple of times. A few adverbs at some places slowed it down a bit, but overall used sparingly and made it very clear.
I know this comment is a bit rushed (sorry), but I have a busy effing schedule, so I gotta run (catching a bus in 15 min haha)!
Good luck and keep writing! :3.
Commented on: November 10, 2013
I am ashamed. So very effing ashamed. It took me five paragraphs to realize these characters were talking to you.
Worst. Hangover. Ever.
Commented on: November 10, 2013
Okay, I have to admit that this was seriously not what I had expected! And I don't mean that in a bad way; I love surprises!
Not having Cartman around felt really odd, and I never would've guessed that he would be the one to think of himself as 'mature' first xD (I probably haven't watched enough South Park to make that judgment though). Maybe that's what high school does to people?
I'm curious to see how this will progress. (Also, I noticed the cover picture is a pair of girl skates... if that means anything.) I have my guesses, but... meh.
There were a few errors that sometimes slowed down the reading for me. But it's nothing that 'proofreading out loud' won't fix, I'm sure.
Overall, I think it's really unique and probably nothing I'd be able to find anywhere else... haha. Most of it felt pretty real as well.
Keep it up!
Commented on: November 9, 2013
Even if it's a one-shot, I could see it develop into either a romantic story, or a twisted horror movie. Don't ask me why - I haven't been very sane these last couple of weeks! xD
Hahaha, lovely. I'm such a creep.
Commented on: November 4, 2013
Holy. Crap. I'm. Retarded.
Commented on: October 31, 2013
I'm an average, mild-tempered and naive rich girl...? Please. I'm the exact opposite! Yes, the story is based on ME entirely. And a kidnapping attempt from my childhood.
But hey, if I could somehow break the law of physics (and realism) I would KICK THEIR ASSES ANY DAY! (Yep, I'm a badass mother******)
However, no matter how much I love that idea (and also what a crazy story it would make), I still feel like I should stick to a more... realistic interpretation.
It's difficult to speak while gagged - trust me, I know. It's difficult to see while blindfolded - trust me, I know. Thus, the only thing that's left is... my thoughts! Have fun listening to my head.
It's an interpretation of how I would react to the situation, and how it would affect me. Physically, mentally - you know the drill. And since it's being written in first-person narrative, there will be mystery and unanswered questions! Lol. I'm totally exaggerating this.
And please, Liz. Violent cooked bacon and porridge... that's like... level 1 in cooking skills.
Commented on: October 27, 2013
Holy crap. I am so mad at you right now *slams her fist into the wall* (FUCK, it hurts). Why did you not make this chapter longer?! Now I have to wait for the next one. Geez.
I was expecting a couple of things. 1. An awesome fighting scene (despite her hangover) where she shows off some stunning moves that not even the most lithe acrobat could perform! 2. Some more interaction between Erilee and the lovely boy-toy Prince Kaeron (think dirty smiles and meaningful looks). Meh... So much for wishful thinking!
The prolonged interaction would be more of a build-up for the next chapter. But I think you've got that covered.
For some reason, I picture Kaeron as a very special actor with very beautiful eyes that could seduce anyone - even if he covered them with his hand! And of course the pointy ears. Please don't spoil my fun!
And yes, folks. A Fantasy story deserves its own Roofies.
Commented on: October 27, 2013
Okay, this is going to be messy. Because everytime I write something, it's effing messy!
First of all, I think this is the first prince I've ever seen in a Fantasy story who takes care of his own interrogations. Yeah. Friggin'. Awesome. Oh, and also the first time I've seen Elves wearing socks! Unless it was someone else's sock. In that case, they should return it. Definitely.
Although I'm rather a fan of small implications of settings, descriptions etc (depending on context and what kind of story it is of course), instead of tedious lists and elegantly phrased sentences, I think some people may want a more vivid image of the... Nah, I'm just messing with you. I didn't find it necessary.
Oh, before I forget. I'm somehow glad you didn't forget to add the fact that all men are undeniably sexists in Fantasy. Awesome.
If you're writing a dialogue with a comma after the verb, I'm fairly sure that in English, the next sentence within the quotation marks should be lower case. For instance: "I'm sure," Kaeron responded, "what is your name?"
However, if you write it out with a period instead: "I'm sure," Kaeron responded. "What is your name?" it should be capitalized.
The writing was simple and great. I didn't have to stop once and read it out loud.
The dialogue is witty - much thanks to the plucky heroine - and awesome.
I'm personally not a fan of using adverbs to modify the verb said or any similar word. That's mainly because every dialogue belongs to the character(s) involved. Thus, it's better to show, rather than tell in dialogue, in my opinion. Because otherwise the author is sticking his/her nose in a little bit too much. The dialogue itself should be enough to give the reader a somewhat clear image of the character (except something needs to be added).
I'm not really sure in which direction you want to go with this story. But I do love it when two persons from completely different worlds end up having to work side by side. Biased.
Even though I don't even have the slightest idea how it'll work out in this story since I can't find a logical reason why Kaeron would want to keep her around. You'll have to surprise me. Satirical stories tend to be very good at making up stuff we haven't *wink wink* seen before. That's why we love 'em so much.
The only shame is that there are only two chapters to read!
Holy, jesus, grief, crap, shit this comment is confusing. Sorry! I guess I'll try to write something better next time...! Once again, sorry. Hope you can understand what I'm trying to say though.
P.S Please let Kaeron have shining abs smeared in baby oil too *drool*. He sounds lovely and I would be grateful for all enternity.
Commented on: October 27, 2013
First of all, who is D.M Gergen? Well, D.M Gergen is the most underappreciated person on this site. It's impossible to read a story on this site without finding an honest and eloquent comment from Gergen - be it a review, advice, or just a small comment.
That's why I find it odd that Gergen's own work lack in numbers of reviews and comments. Perhaps there is an answer that I'm not aware of, even though I doubt it.
Ah... In the Hall of the Mountain King by Edvard Grief. I remember when I listened to this masterpiece at the age of five. I was absolutely terrified. It was the first time in my life that music left me with an image worthy of its own horror movie. Yep. That song scared the shit out of me, but it was awesome.
Anyway, I have to start by saying that I loved the 'Svensson' detail. Although some readers may not be completely familiar with the Svensson-syndrome (or whatever it's really called), it provided the story with more reliability to me. Furthermore, it gave me a relatively good clue on when and where this story unfolds. Just a single word that doesn't hold any real meaning at all.
The style is adapted to fit a story that can potentially change in pace at any given second. It's clear, simple, and gives the reader a somewhat vivid image of what's happening, The few typos are easily spotted after re-reading out loud.
Anything could've happened here. Following a young, laughing girl like that can probably end in a few thousand different ways. However, explaining everything in the first chapter rather than building up suspense and mystery wouldn't be much fun, would it?
The ending leaves the reader with enough questions to click on the little blue button in the right corner - straight into chapter two.
Commented on: October 26, 2013