- Joined 09/16/13
- Last login 02/18/15
- Followers 2
- Books Authored 1
- Poems Authored 1
- Reviews 6
- Comments 44
- Discussions Started 0
- Discussion Comments 4
Hi! Call me Liz!
In terms of credentials, I'm Adobe Illustrator CC certified and I'm working on my Photoshop certification this semester! I'm a bit amateurish, but I always try my best on my work! If you want to message me about a cover idea, I can be reached by PM or email (email@example.com). Covers take about a month to make depending on scope and are absolutely FREE.
I'm a busy gal... but ask for a review and you shall receive! I try to be pretty honest and comprehensive about my feedback, so I'd appreciate it if you'd give me a few weeks. But yes, give me your stories to read and I will eat them up with love!
My own writing? Hm, well... I scrapped a lot of old work. I kept Up a Tree up (ha, up), but it's definitely not a priority anymore. Read it only if you wish to be entertained by hilariously bad writing. It really doesn't hurt my feelings if you avoid it altogether.
I want friends. Yes, this is a plea. TALK TO ME.
No, I am not pathetic.
No, I am not a liar.
Actually, yes I am.
I'm sorry I'm so god-awfully weird. Happy Chinese New Year!
Better than the summary suggests. Has a well developed plot and meaningful dialogue and is a clean read with the occasional minor error. This is a very engaging story with characters that, though slightly confusing/complicated, are all unique and have their own distinct personality. An enrapturing tale.
Reviewed on: January 21, 2014
An unconventional read with a very eye-catching teaser. Clean and attempts a large-scale telling of a zombie apocalypse. Though, characters could be developed more thoroughly through indirect characterization. More depth needed. Still, an intriguing tale to ensnare a wandering mind.
Reviewed on: January 8, 2014
Haha, hilarious! The humor is a bit unconventional, and the summary does not shed too much light on the content of the short story, but a VERY entertaining read. It plays off the cliches of hero-character building and concludes in a rather unpredictable way. Not meant to be taken seriously, but good for a few laughs.
Reviewed on: January 4, 2014
A fascinating tale with what I thought was a very satisfying ending. The conclusion wasn't what I was expecting--it was better. Though a little mature at times, a rather vivid and powerful story with dark, deep themes,
Reviewed on: November 20, 2013
Actually, I really loved this. Captured so much in a few words. I find myself conflicted to give a five-star rating, especially to a story with less than a hundred words, but this definitely deserves it. Nice job.
Reviewed on: November 13, 2013
A very authentic story and easily relatable. Flows nicely, with minor discrepancies. This is an accurate and touching description of the horror that is puberty and growing up; of life in general.
Reviewed on: November 13, 2013
I'm not sure if you could tell, but I'm not one for sugarcoating. However, I do like to give credit where it's due. Translation: this chapter review is about to get real gushy. Less of a review, more of a fan-girling session. You have been forewarned.
Oh, you have lovely characters! Astral seems like such an interesting, complex character, but my personal favorite is the way William views Astral. He's such a...a...a boy. I find the way you portray him quite interesting because the stereotypical immaturity of young teenage boys is displayed so brashly here; most books just like to make their teenage boys cold, brooding, and uninteresting. God, William makes me laugh.
The more you reveal about this world, the more I'm intrigued. Fantasy meets science fiction meets... steampunk? Er, not really. Well, I guess it's hard to put into words and I guess I... I think I should just stop. Great work. If anything, maybe you could incorporate more of this new "sci-fy" vibe into the first chapter, but it's not a complete a necessity. This chapter was a lot less like an infodump and I enjoyed it immensely.
On a small note of criticism, I'm not exactly the biggest fan of the usage of all-caps in books. I also believe you should also try to spell out numbers rather than putting in the numerical form, but I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the Roman numerals... Probably keep them in for now and get more opinions. I think they're fine. Besides those tiny things and the slightly awkward wording of the first sentence, this chapter is absolutely fantastic.
This chapter has got me unnervingly excited. I'm not usually this jittery and weird in reviews... Well, on to chapter three!
Commented on: February 18, 2015
As an introduction to your story, I find this chapter very thought-provoking. Although the first section of it seems more like a prologue than part of the actual chapter, it sets the tone of your story nicely.
Since this book is a dense fantasy story, you also have to worry about things like world-building and magic. Your system all seems extremely well-thought out, but personally, I find the beginning/middle of the chapter to move a bit slowly, almost like an info dump. Because you're a solid writer with plenty of satisfying descriptions, it eases the blow, but I still think you could blend a little more action with description. You create a huge and complicated world from the beginning of your story and it can get a little overwhelming.
But as it goes along, the chapter becomes more and more interesting. I was extremely absorbed during the action and in my opinion, you concluded the chapter excellently.
Besides that, your world and characters are all very compelling and the philosophies you've already embedded into the story are very insightful. I look forward to reading more. I have to admit though, Astral seems very precocious to me (or maybe I'm just immature in comparison)!
Commented on: February 17, 2015
Oh, holy buckets of shiznoodles! That was an attention-grabbing way to start a story. You had lovely descriptions of the setting and events, and I can't wait to read on! That was extremely well done. If anything, I have to mention that your grammar is a little iffy in some spots--especially with comma splicing. However, that can easily be fixed. I look forward to reading the next chapter and seeing what this story is really about!
Commented on: December 22, 2014
Hmm, this is going to end up being more of a comment than a critique.
At the beginning of this chapter, I was a little hysterical. I mean that dream was pretty, um, freaky? Which is what you were going for I guess... I found it to be quite an interesting dynamic, however, in terms of dealing with the concept of parents. You also haven't revealed too much about 913 so I was excited to see what she was like, but I guess she was out-of-character in this dream.
And 256 is just too adorable! I can't even--no, I need to stop. But I'm really curious if his real parents or 913 will make a presence later on in the story. Though maybe not, because the likelihood of that actually happening is low. Hmm, who knows? I'm also liking the greater amount of characterization for Thomas in this chap.
Carey trying to explain a brothel.... xD I also like how you're trying to play up her ignorance about countries and whatnot, seeing as they're living on an island. Reagan grows ever suspicious... To be honest, I'm not favoring his romance with Janelle. She can do better...
Well, until all of Reagan is revealed that's what I'm going to think! Good job with this chapter.
Commented on: August 23, 2014
From the beginning, this was a very fun story. I laughed quite a lot and found the characters humorous while reading this. Jason's point of view is most definitely my favorite--his thoughts are so honest and kooky.
However, I must say that my favorite character would have to be Skylos. Great use of vernacular! The chapter written in his point of view was quite refreshing as well. It was a very intriguing way to portray... him. ;)
Though the events of the story were sometimes pretty out-there, it seems that in the end everything came together in its own silly way. I do wish there was a bit more closure towards the end of the novel, however. I felt like it didn't do Jason and Sadie's close relationship justice, as well as the whole mind-controlled fiasco.
I do have to mention that Jason "fell in love" with Bianca a bit too quickly for my taste. He met her, got assigned a task, and fell in love in one meeting... Well, besides that little fact, I think it's cute! Like puppy love.
This was a great read! I enjoyed the crazy sense of humor and the interactions between the characters. Sometimes, it was a little rough around the edges but that's to be expected for an early draft. Great work! I'm particularly impressed that Jason didn't stray out of character throughout the entire quest(s). It was a nice fresh satirical read.
I look forward to checking out the sequel soon!
Commented on: August 6, 2014
Wow, interesting story you got here! Lovely imagery and world building! Your descriptions are fantastic.
The only complaint I'd have is that the story is very dense from the start. It was a bit of a slow read at the beginning (though once I got into it I was fully immersed). Though the descriptions are all extremely beautiful, they feel a bit excessive at times. At first, I felt as if you were throwing a lot of description and information all at once, but it eventually got smoothed out.
Otherwise, I encourage you to keep going. This is great! In my opinion, it's reached the point where things get interesting and I'd love to see what happens next.
The foreshadowing is well done, as well as the story-telling. The style you've written the folklore of the tribe in is very convincing. I definitely feel like I was reading a storybook/fairytale. Personally, that's something I struggle with immensely, so kudos to you!
I am also very pleased with a lot of the philosophies you've already incorporated into the chapters. I think my favorite part of the story, however, is the religion. I am in love with the idea of the God "blinking" during a new moon. Good job! Hope you keep it up.
Commented on: August 4, 2014
Woot! The sequel is here! Though I understand you're focusing on rewriting Gifted I can't help but be excited...
I was curious where you were gonna pick the story up, and I was pleasantly surprised. It's nice to see so many old faces again, but it's especially interesting to see the transformations in the characters. I definitely like Janelle a lot better now that she's matured... I'm still tentative about Reagan, though.
PS. Love the optimistic ending.
Commented on: July 15, 2014
Got a lot of content up here! It's definitely a great start and I'd just like to mention a few things.
Formatting is a picky thing, but it should never be underestimated. I think it'd be good for you to look over everything and make sure the spacing is consistent and as perfect as you can get it. Sometimes there's a break missing, or an extra one as well. Just need a bit of clean-up!
It might also be beneficial for you to check over some of your wording and spelling. I didn't catch too many mistakes, but there was a time when you wrote "asses" instead of "assess" (not going to lie, I laughed! Nothing to be embarrassed about though.). Just look for small things like that.
In terms of the plot, I do have a few questions. Was there any particular reason Yoraed chose the name "Nivarn"? Or was it just out of the blue? It would make more sense if he was like, "Oh how about we call you Nivarn? It was my great-great-great granddaddy's name! Haha!" ...Lolz, or something like that. Excuse my nuttiness. I just think the name should have some kind of origin, or it wouldn't make sense. Yoraed could even say, "Oh, it's just a common name here."
Also, you refer to Karid as Nivarn in dialogue. Hmm, I'm not sure if I'm taking note of that or critiquing you... Hmm. Well, I just think it's an interesting approach! You don't really have to change anything. Though, there are many different ways to approach the naming in terms of stories with an amnesiac. Some people don't even mention the character's real name until they remember. Though not required, it adds a nice dimension of mystery to the story. Just thought I'd mention that.
In terms of characterization, I don't have a particular problem with either Karid nor Yoraed (except maybe that currently they both seem too perfect) but it's only chapter 7. Personally, I dislike Irana. What was your goal in describing her? Were you attempting to make her seem sophisticated and subtle? Sometimes her words/actions contradict this image.
All in all, refocus the person you're trying to portray with everyone. Obviously, Karid is a confident man. Could you perhaps add a bit dimension in accentuating some of his faults? Or maybe his anxiety to learn who he is? Normally people with amnesia are anxious to regain their memories... If he's not like that, you should explain why as well. It'd be best to address that in some way.
Also, one last picky thing! Parenthesis are cute and funny, but I do believe sometimes it would appear more professional if you used them in a separate sentence instead. It would definitely fit. It's not a matter of using them as it is a matter of overusing them.
Lot's of good ideas here, just need to tie up some lose ends. You might want to do some editing and revising to clean up a few mistakes and reduce some choppy sentences. The idea of Golboroth being a healing city is very unique! I'm interested in seeing what happens next.
Commented on: May 26, 2014
Oh wait! Oops, I just saw that this was a one-shot. Wow I feel like an idiot... Still, most of my previous comment holds true. Sorry about that!
Commented on: May 16, 2014
Hmm, a very interesting story... Honestly, I really hadn't known what to expect. It was all dialogue! However, I did learn a lot about the characters through their words. I'm guessing the lack of description was on purpose.
Also, I'm very intrigued: this seems like an allegorical story. I haven't read very many of those before but I can't deny that I'm curious to see what happens next. Interesting stuff! I'm looking forward to seeing how the rest of the chapters turn out.
Commented on: May 16, 2014
Oh wow! You've really got a lot of content posted up here. There's a lot of great stuff I'd like to mention but I might just not have enough time to fit it all in... I'll do my best to give a decent overall critique.
The first chapter started off well, and I did figure out the setting once the word "kimchi" was mention lol. Though, what is kimchi rice? Is it a futuristic food only in your story? I've always thought it was kimchi and rice (though I myself am not Korean). Oops, got sidetracked! Eek, this might end up being a very messy critique--sorry.
The story itself is very enjoyable--nice headstrong character, solid setting of ruthless royal-court, witty dialogue between all characters. However, if I'm going to be truthful, I'd say it's a bit "used." Your story itself is great, but unfortunately I've seen several variations of this plot. It just needs a touch of...sparkle.
I'm sorry for being so vague and saying such a huge outlandish statement, but I really think it just needs a little bit of a push. I think your story is great--publishable material definitely! I'm just saying I think you could add or twist something to really make it "pop."
On another note, your chapters are also adhering to the dangerously-lengthy side. It's great because when readers get an update, they'll be getting a lot. However, I do believe it's safer to be a little shorter. You could definitely split most of your chapters into two and be perfectly fine.
I'm glad I didn't, but I almost never picked up your story due to its incredibly long and inconsistent chapter lengths. It's just one of those things that usually marks an amateur writer. Judging by your work you're definitely not an amateur, but I still think more uniform chapters would benefit you greatly.
Those were my main two points! I'd like to say "awesome job" again since I really can't mention all the good points when I'm critiquing. The society you've created is very intriguing and I look forward to seeing more--especially once Junseh is out of the Summer Palace. I'm actually quite glued in and worried at the same time about how the romance will turn out... Yes, I hope all the characters will be wary and keep in mind their goals.
Well, I hope you keep going with your story! Only chapter seven and I've already seen so much great stuff!
Commented on: May 8, 2014
Ah, that was so cute!
Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself because you've only posted two chapters so far... but yeah, good start!
Though I really don't know much about Ellie, I already like her due to the fact that she approached Max first. I look forward to seeing more of her! Max also seems like such a sweetheart--poor dude.
I don't really have much to say on the criticism end except for some tiny "personal-opinion" quirks in terms of aesthetics. In the chapter titles, you could do without the "One:" or "Two:" in front since it's built in on this site. Also, I find the little add-on on your summary a bit redundant. I'm sure the reader can figure out pretty fast what's going on; you've made the point of view pretty clear. Of course, the way you want to make your story and summary aesthetically pleasing is ultimately up to you!
Since I don't really have any tangible critique for now, I'll just keep an eye on your story and maybe comment a few chapters later. Good job and I hope you keep updating with more chapters! Sorry this was such an unhelpful comment!
Commented on: May 8, 2014
This story was so cute! I loved it! You captured this part of siblinghood so well. The parents here are so stereotypically short-sighted—grrr! Though my parents aren’t nearly as…uh…freakishly intense, this is totally relatable. I loved it!
Really good characterization—especially in such a short amount of words. That’s super impressive! It’s something that many authors—including me—struggle with immensely. Good, defined personalities!
Though, on a critical note, I did spot a few errors and typos. I’ll try to get to as many as I can right now, but I might miss a few. You might need to go back over your story with a critical eye and catch a few yourself.
When you say “his ridiculous monkey-suit,” I think you meant “this ridiculous… etc.” Also, in “eyes like a hawk watching it’s pray,” the correct words are “its prey.” Lastly, in “My father didn’t design to respond,” the correct word is deign. I think these are just silly mistakes, though. There are occasional spots where you forget to end a dialogue with quotations and other small things…So be sure to check over your stuff for small typos!
Also, you never really mentioned the little sister’s plan before it was executed—not even vaguely. This is a possible source for confusion. My suggestion—which you aren’t in any way obligated to take—is to put in something like “she whispered something into my ear,” or something like that. There was nothing communicating that she had said anything of going against their parents and I was a bit lost.
Other than that, great stuff! I’ll be keeping an eye out for your other stuff! ;)
Commented on: April 20, 2014
Sorry for the much overdue critique! Here it is!
Throughout both chapters, you showed your super extensive vocabulary! Gotta’ say: I didn’t know “rending” was different from “rendering” (how embarrassing…). However, sometimes it can get a little excessive.
I completely understand your point of view in wanting to use descriptive vocabulary. Unfortunately, usually it turns out pretentious-sounding. There are some amazing descriptions that I enjoyed like “rosy red apple” and “crimson segments of ivory,” but there are so many that they get lost in the crowd. The whole story becomes a confusing mass of adjectives. It’s a shame that readers can’t enjoy them all.
If you “portion” your descriptions, the entire thing would be much more readable. Readers in general don’t have the patience and brain capacity to comprehend everything (or at least, I don’t/can’t). “Big” words lose their effectiveness when they’re surrounded by other big words. So, you should think of the big picture when you described things. You could also separate descriptions over the course of several sentences as well; that would actually be very effective.
Many of your sentences were run-ons—even the first one. If you simplify everything, even just a little bit, it could be super powerful. I know this sounds stupid, but reading your writing aloud, I found, is a very effective tool in making sure everything makes sense and flows well.
The content itself is good; it’s just masked by all the complexities around it. The first chapter seemed very dramatic—which I’m assuming was your goal. It definitely sets up for some huge scheme.
Also, on another note—your formatting is so beautiful on the second chapter! Could you tweak your first chapter to make it more readable as well? Tiny little things to make it look more professional.
Many writers have choppy sentences and minimalist vocabulary, so good job on surpassing that. You have the skill set to write well, but you need to use it so it isn’t overwhelming to readers.
Must be weird, eh? Someone is telling you to dumb yourself down! Lol, it will be effective in the long run. I promise! I have read thousands of stories, and yours has huge potential.
PS. Sorry about the lateness again!
Commented on: April 20, 2014
Hmm, since you've only posted two chapters this is more gonna be a comment than a critique. When I first read the description, I was scared this was going to be a typical vampire-story, but you've pleasantly surprised me. (Thank goodness).
I also really hope Annabelle is more than another generic girl (it seems like she's okay for now, but I don't have enough to base that off of yet). She seems pretty levelheaded, and her raven haired-blue eyed affliction is very amusing.
Okay, let's be honest: I died of laughter.
Well, we'll see how this ends up--please update more! I'm liking her sensibility and awareness of her current poverty-stricken condition. I'm curious to learn about this thing Maggie just got them both into...
And since I'm guessing James is a vampire, I really wonder how you're going to play it off. So many things could go wrong because of the cliches, but you seem like a pretty good writer so hopefully it'll stay original!
PS. Hmm, I'm tempted to read your story "Ginger's Heart." What kind of world is this? (rhetorical question). Please update soon! You're off to a strong start.
Commented on: April 11, 2014
Since this story is so long and vast, it's only fitting that my review be long and as thorough as possible. I may get lazy, but I'll try my best to give a good critique.
In terms of boring stuff such as syntax and grammar, there are a few minor errors. Overall, it is pretty clean and well formatted. You might want to go back and see if you can catch some of the tiny blips yourself, but they're really no big deal.
Though, the biggest issue I found was a recurring misuse of commas throughout the book. Sometimes they were inserted in places they were not needed. I'm afraid to go back and look through the chapters for some examples right now because it's so long, but if you want you want me to, PM me and I'll find a few examples. Otherwise, I didn't find other major issues.
Plot development was okay. It's really not my area of expertise, but I do believe that it was well maneuvered. I will be honest and say that it's not earth-shatteringly amazing. Increase the development of the tension of the war so that it feels a bit less sudden, over exaggerate Aedain's determination (you did well, but just a little bit more), etc. These are just a few ideas but I definitely believe that with some fine-tuned editing, it could really stand out.
Now I’ll be real persnickety when I evaluate characterization. Your characters are all pretty solid and I have a pretty clear image of what each of them is, but--like all perfectionists say--you could do more.
Personally, I am still a bit confused on Erik's backstory. Though, I'm wondering if you were purposely withholding information in order to create a plot twist later on. Hmm? Because all I know about him is that everyone around him dies... I'm curious to know what kind of household he grew up in, his past, and his mom’s story.
Also, I gotta' mention this somewhere. When I found out Maewyn got run over by a truck, I died of laughter. Perhaps I'm just morbid? Haha, but it was so sudden... It was definitely the thing I least expected to happen.
May seems to have a defiant, justice-motivated character (with a soft heart), but at the beginning of the story I really thought otherwise. I had the impression that she was meek, hiding in the shadow-ish of her younger sister. If this was your goal for her to “come out of her shell” you could perhaps describe her transition or relief of not being compared to Hailey a little more thoroughly? Her personality was well described, but not the transition.
As for Aedain, he's an... interesting character. He's so unlikeable that I find myself liking him.
My main critique is that the majority of your characters, though likeable, are very naive in a sense. Hailey (because she didn’t know what she was getting into), Erik (because he’s a little kid), May (her idealistic sense of justice), and Aedain (single-mindedly determined to get his way but not considering the trials or consequences). I guess all of them are pretty young (aside of Aedain lol? Maybe he’s young for a demon?) but there needs to be some wake up call. I personally—maybe this is the cynical part of me speaking—would like to see them “grow up” a bit. Realistically, many of their actions will bite them in the butt. Not just with Lavena’s death, but especially May’s sense of justice and rashness needs more realistic consequences. I also just generally think it would be nice to have a cynically-minded person in the mix.
Also, I believe the characters could all have a bit more dimension if you mentioned a bit more of their pasts, explaining their thoughts and feelings. How did it change them into the person they are now? Also—a random thought—could you perhaps expand on Nesrin’s relationship with Zhawn? At the beginning I thought she was a companion, but then I thought she was more like a minion. Does she like him? Does she resent him? I mean, she did save him so… Is she scared of him? Just solidify their relationship a little bit more perhaps.
In terms of romance, ah er, I think you did alright (not my specialty). Lol, but Aedain really made me laugh towards his end while May was ignoring him. Not used to being ignored, eh? I just have one question—why does Aedain call May “Woman”? Lol, isn’t she like a junior in high school? (Is it because age is done differently in the Callesmere Empire?)
So definitely a great first draft! There are definitely some things that can be improved, but the core of it was great. Though I do admit I was a little hesitant at the beginning of the novel, you grasped me from the beginning of May’s kidnapping. Formatting is clean, basic character shaping is good, setting and history is expansive, plot is solid. I just have a personal belief that everything can always be improved—I myself in particular am not a very good writer (I mostly post joke-stories because I’m too wimpy to post my real stuff). Congratulations on writing such an extensive story! Looking forward to the sequel.
PS. Sorry this was such a long and exhausting critique...
Commented on: April 9, 2014
Though you've only posted two chapters so far, I'm very interested to see what's going to happen next. Though, I really have no clue where the story is going.
The time skip between the first chapter and the second was pretty abrupt, but I did catch on pretty quick. You made it pretty smooth, so kudos on that. You also did a good job setting up the characters so far, so I don't have much to criticize. You definitely established the personalities well within a single chapter.
Hopefully, a clear plot will come into play soon? Well, it's only been two chapters so far I guess so I should be patient...
Occasionally, I've spotted a few tiny mistakes, but other than that it's pretty clean and void of error. When you say, "The little, small infants right arm..." the wording is a bit weird. Saying both "little" and "small" is repetitive and you could definitely do with just one of them. When you describe Alfons, saying, "The boy’s only down fall,.." it should be "downfall" in one word. There are a few comma mistakes in dialogue as well--the first sentence of this chapter should end in a period.
But these are all nitpicky things. You have a nice, clean style of writing and I can't complain about the story itself yet. Good job and keep going. You've caught my attention with just two chapters! :)
Commented on: April 6, 2014
So, I've been procrastinating on reading this, and when I started, I couldn't stop reading your book (and procrastinating on my other duties...). Well, so here goes!
The first two chapters are definitely the roughest parts of the story, in my opinion. But once it slid into action, it flowed much more nicely. I maintain the idea that characters don't have to be established too early on because most readers (if their IQ is painfully average like mine) will not remember exactly what the characters look like as the story continues.
In my personal opinion (meaning that the following statement should be taken with a grain of salt), you didn't to describe anyone more than Shay, Carson, Marena, Cassie, and Katrina. That's already a lot to absorb! I really couldn't tell Jaycee, Laylia, and Kyleigh apart for a while. Owen was alright though, I guess. (Though I don't feel like he plays a big part in the story anyways).
Otherwise, the action was great! Sometimes there was the occasional typo like writing "sense" instead of "since" and such. Though, I'm sorry I can't pinpoint the exact location now that I've read up to the latest update.
I'm not quite sure exactly what to think about Marena's death because it happened so fast, but perhaps you could slow down a little though. It feels as if I haven't really absorbed the fact and Shay didn't have the chance to absorb the loss. Perhaps just dedicate an extra paragraph or two? Or explicitly explain that she was too preoccupied with Carson and their current situation to have a chance to mourn. Leaving it hanging doesn't make sense.
Personally, I'm excited to see how it plays out. I wish you could spend more time on Shay's sister and home situation since that's only popped up once so far. One more nitpicky thing I want to mention is the inconsistent chapter lengths, but really it's not a bother when reading the story. Good job and I hope to read more soon!
Commented on: March 17, 2014
Okay, so I read the first five chapters and the prologue. It was an intriguing read that I actually felt compelled to continue reading.
I must say that I was impressed with the prologue and the descriptions—I don’t really mind the gory. Though, the beginning of the first chapter showed quite a bit of choppiness that may need to be edited.
It is my own opinion as an amateur writer/critic that characters are the most important essence of a story. You have the basis of each character, but the flaws and ambitions need to be emphasized further. Andrew seems to me the best developed so far, though he has little “screen time.” It is clear that he cares for Helena and is protective. Michael is the same, but could be described a bit more.
My main complaint is with Helena, whose doesn’t feel like anything significant so far. She seems kind of cookie-cutter, impulsive and slightly stupid. I love impulsive and stupid people—hell, that might be me—but you need to make her traits clearer. She’s not impulsive and stupid enough. Otherwise, she’s just as stupid and impulsive as any other human being. She’s curious, and that’s good, but show that it’s more than a little kid wanting to learn about the magical world. Describe her obsession and determination. Why does she want to learn?
Though I’ve only read the beginning chapters, the traits need to be more established. The exposition is where you establish your characters and their personalities—then build from there. Make the characters seem a little less generic and let them have a little more reaction. I honestly believe Michael needs to be fiercer and Helena needs to be more stubborn to make the tension thicker. If stubbornness is one of her defining traits, make sure it’s very clear. It’s not so much exaggerating as delving deeper.
Everything Helena does makes sense—but describe her excitement and everything about her more. She’s a loner—how does she feel about it? (How did she get a boyfriend in the first place?) Ask yourself questions and give her dimension. This is how memorable characters are made—and then, already, you’ll be a much better writer than Stephanie Meyers. To be blunt, she’s a Bella right now.
Sorry about that little rant… Moving on to a picky thing—setting! I’ve read for five chapters and yet, I don’t know exactly where she lives. I’m not European, but I’m guessing somewhere in the United Kingdom? I had to look up Trinity College on google, but that looks like Dublin. Maybe explicitly state where she’s from/living right now so the reader knows. Confusion can be caused.
And Lucious, his name is like a mix between “luscious” and “Lucius.” Haha. I like it.
Commented on: March 9, 2014
Personally, I am not well-versed in reading drabbles, so I'm afraid I can't give you very sound critique here. I read through quite a few of these, and they seem very interesting. I like the ones with some semblance of a plot, since I'm really more of a story reader I guess. Though, the first one about words really "spoke to me." The writing is clean, from what I've read, and the descriptions are nice.
Commented on: February 20, 2014
I chose this chapter first to look at because I was attracted by the title. Limerance. You have lovely vocabulary! The descriptions are very vivid and solid. Though, it can feel excessive at times.
This may be the cause of a few grammar errors. Occasionally, you forget a comma, neglect parallel structure, or add too many "and"s to a sentence to make it a bit of a run-on.
"I often find myself lying awake, feeling homesick for a place I’ve never been or my heart aches for someone I’ve never met." The verbs in this sentence should all be in the same form, meaning "aches" should turn into "aching." There are a few minor wording errors like this in the story, but otherwise it's a clean read.
In terms of the plot and characterization, he's obviously entranced by the girl. Though, the story's title hints a little more. Limerance should be some mad, unexplainable obsession. But perhaps I just have a melodramatic spirit. The emotions within the story are already good, but if they just exaggerated a bit more, this could be a very powerful tale.
The detail of his description of the girl does make him seem a little creepy, though. Haha, but that's not a bad thing! A very cute story! I look forward to checking out another one of your stories sometime later!
Commented on: February 20, 2014
You're off to a good start! So, it's time to get nit-picky.
In terms of characterization, it's slightly shaky. For the most part you do a good job, but there is the occasional moment where I'm confused. I feel I know where you're trying to go with the characters, but it's all done a bit too blatantly. Who exactly is Chris? James? It's still early in the story, but try to establish their goals/motivations a little more. Or perhaps in this case, their change in motivation as the traumatizing events have passed. We see James' personality through his actions and protectiveness of his sister, but focus on his personal feelings a little more. Add a little more dimension to him.
Plot development-wise, it seems very classic. It's not a bad plot, though the danger is making sure that it isn't a repeat and turns out cliche. Not much has happened, but to make sure your story stands out, there has to be some kind of twist, or maybe some very strong, memorable characters. To be successful, there needs to be something to make it memorable.
There were some very promising elements in the story, but I think sometimes "less is more." Subtlety could be your best friend sometimes. The prologue was great, but it might have revealed a little too much of the story a little too early on. Unless there's a plot twist of course....?
Since the action has really only just begun, I can't say too much. Just be wary of the dangers and develop each of your characters a little more to make them memorable. They're actions say a lot about them already, but delve a little deeper.
There's quite a bit of potential in the story, so just keep going. It is a shame that you will take it down, but do what you must.
Commented on: February 19, 2014
To be truthful, this is very different to any story I've read before. I'm not quite sure how to react, but it is definitely not a bad thing. Just not fantastic either.
This story, for one, has a zombie-apocalyptic plot to it. Actually, the first of its kind that I've read. I don't mind this kind of plot, but the approach is rather different. I'm used to having main characters and slowly--or quickly--growing attached to them. The idea of having many characters is not a bad idea, but remember to focus on their characterization more. There is a lot of direct characterization, but I wish there was more emphasis on the indirect. So much is going on, I'm not quite sure what is happening.
Dialogue is well utilized, but transitions between the explanations and story are unbalanced. Part of this story seems like I'm reading a non-fiction article on the happenings and the other is the basic story.
I really do find this story intriguing and very different from what I am used to. The idea is very promising, though you may have to focus more on characterization and individual thoughts/experiences/reactions to the zombies to fully convince. A solid and clean read. There was no choppiness. Though, there was the occasional giant-paragraph that I was intimidated to read. Those could easily be broken down into three or four smaller paragraphs. The information presented is also more effective presented in shorter chunks.
Good job and keep going.
Commented on: January 8, 2014
I really quite like your story! (I know that sentence is vague, but hear me out).
Ouralan seems like a very sensible character, and I think it's fantastic how you've maintained her personality throughout-- even with the impending romance. Many people struggle with that, especially at the very beginning. I think it was great how she thought about "manipulating" Long into helping the vendor. Still, it seems that her idealism in helping others will get her in trouble eventually...? Hmm, I dunno.
Also, when Ouralan went out with the four boys, I was a bit confused and all over the place. I mean, there are four of them, and I know it's difficult, but is there any way you could differentiate them a little more from the beginning? It's obvious that each has their own personality, but really everyone but Long and Ouralan are jumbled in my head. Maybe I'll get it down in the future...?
Now, that was a pretty nit-picky thing. Truth is, your story has so much potential, and I'm interested to see how it progresses. The current summary really does not do your story justice, and while I get what you're going for with the cover page, I think it needs a little more... oomf! You know what I mean?
You're a very clean and I envy your utilization of dialogue (wah, why can't I be that good?) so I just hope you keep going! Sorry if this was a little vague. I hope to focus more on individual chapters in my comments in the future. Great job!
Commented on: January 6, 2014
Haha, I feel like I'm reading a Japanese manga in book form. Very adorable, though I think it is slightly cliched. To be honest, I just want to see what'll happen when Yukkun cross-dresses... Oh guilty pleasures. Still, I'm still kind of confused how his personality has evolved since childhood.
Your writing style is very clean and understandable, so kudos for that. I'll be watching out for updates later on. Good job and keep going!
Commented on: January 5, 2014
Haha, what an ending! Did not expect that... But I can fully sympathize, especially on school-day mornings. Ahem, I found half the poem repetitive, but that's like a double edged sword I guess. It might be overdone, but the onomatopoeia is also endearing in some way.
Also, should I be embarrassed to say admit I shivered somewhere while reading this? Hmm, maybe it's the depressing music I'm listening to... Or the winter chill in the air. Or this poem... Probably a combination of all three. Anyways, good job.
Commented on: January 5, 2014
Hello! Here to give you some feedback... Please do not take any of this as a personal attack. Just giving you advice; if you do not like it, feel free to ignore.
First off, I think the two-sentence introduction at the beginning is nice but unneeded. In fact, I believe you could use it as a summary for your story. Your current summary is a very good advertisement of your story, though does not do much to tell what your story is actually about.
Next, dialogue formatting. It's something that most authors struggle with--heck, I still do--but is very important to the story in terms of looking "professional." You did well in spacing your story into separate paragraphs, but dialogue is a horrible and special case. Every time a different character talks, you need a new line. It's much easier to read this way.
Eg. "Your dog is obese," the vet said to Sally.
"No he's not!" she huffed back, "Just big-boned."
"Your dog is obese," the vet said to Sally. "No he's not!" she huffed back, "Just big-boned."
Your story matter itself is very promising itself, though. I just feel it's a shame that people aren't able to get through it because of formatting issues. Once you get this stuff figured out, people will definitely tend to read through your story more! I will definitely check back someday. Just now... Excuse me, I will admit to my laziness.
Now that I've given you my opinion, I hope that I haven't discouraged you in any way. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Or anyone else (people on this site tend to be super helpful). Every writer starts out like this, and I really do think you have nice imagery. So, keep writing!
Commented on: January 4, 2014
Wow, you really ended that first chapter in a horribly suspenseful way. Though, I can't say much since you've only posted a single chapter, I am very interested in what's going to happen next. This school also seems a bit atypical compared to the usual "fantasy schools." Interesting dialogue and good setting development. Though your writing style is a bit unconventional, it is vivid and interesting. I'm hoping to see more action along the way!
(Also I believe there was one paragraph you forgot to indent)
Commented on: December 30, 2013
Quite an engaging story you got here! Not much for me to say on two chapters except to maybe give a bit of encouragement. So far, everything is developed well--though I'd be looking for you to do more in following chapters.
Regarding the summary, I believe it is well-written and gives a nice description of what your story is about (something I struggle with), though I do not believe it does the intrigue you create within the first few chapters justice. Just throwing the thought around.
Also, I'm a little apprehensive about how the main character being a writer thing will work out. I find it interesting, but it seems like it'll be difficult to communicate. We'll see how it plays out; if it contributes to some kind of plot or character development, I'm all for it.
Well, nice job so far with your story! I'm excited that I learned a lot about Cornwall (which I only know of from Shakespeare's comedy, Twelfth Night)!
Commented on: December 9, 2013
I'm not quite sure if this was your goal, but I laughed quite a bit in that first chapter. That tea latte-women analogy? Amazing! So vivid and hilarious. (Do men really view women in that way? Huh...) And then some lady randomly smacks Kayden in the head? I think I died.
Great start, though a few minor errors. In the last line, I think you meant to write "Kayden's" instead of "Kaydens." Also, the quotation in the line:
Kayden very often did forget his glasses though "by accident he kept telling himself".
Should be around just the word "accident."
Those were some really picky things... So nice job on your first chapter! Keep going. I'm very interested in seeing how the random smack-in-the-head event will unfold...
Commented on: November 17, 2013
On first glance?
I was like "Holy crap! That's a gigantic paragraph!"
It was rather intimidating to read, but I got through it. I think you should definitely separate it into smaller paragraphs--a main idea or thought for each. The human eye just seems to read things better in chunks.
The content itself was good. Though it was short, it said a lot. I liked the way you finished especially; definitely suspenseful. If you expanded it, this plot would make a fantastic novel. It's a very original idea--to write in the perspective of a non-human fighting and later, seeking revenge. I love it!
Commented on: November 17, 2013
A very intriguing prologue. Kind of short, but that's not an outright bad thing.
The summary I think would be equally effective--if not more--if you got rid of the quotes. It's just a little awkward the way it's formatted right now. Also, the use of the first pronoun "him" is a little too abstract.
Can't say much because there isn't much to read yet, but I would definitely continue to read this given the chance. You caught my attention, and we haven't reached the first chapter yet! Kudos on that.
Commented on: November 17, 2013
Having a hard time trying to figure out a word to describe this... which in no way is a bad thing. I'm surprised this story isn't getting as much attention! I really am loving it. The vernacular is great.
Now is the time to get critical... Because I try to put that in every comment/critique I write. Of course, I'm having some trouble thinking of things to critique (which is problematic).
Ha. I was a little taken aback when James called her "Danyca" and all of a sudden... she just went with it and ran, but hey she does prefer it to Goldie! Just felt it was a bit of a sudden change. I would've liked her to think about it more, especially since she made a bit of a deal about her previous naming sessions.
Excuse me for saying this, but I gotta say that this reminds me a bit of a female version of Harry Potter... with fish-people and amnesia. You're the chosen one Harry! You're the lost Princess Danyca! Fear the Dark One! I find the plot very intriguing, though a little cliched. Though, I guess we all need a little bit of repeat in our writing literature. You could easily say that all the dystopian novels are similar--romance and girl power.
After a first read, I honestly didn't find any formatting issues, which is great! I love writing reviews that talk less about syntax and more about development! I think it's fantastic how much thought you put into the names of places and characters. The imagery all flowed very nicely. And the Greek was a nice addition!
Now waiting for the romance to unfold (or not unfold)! I'm personally not a huge fan of romance in novels--unless it enhances the plot--but I really do hope Danyca and James get together... eventually. Don't rush it! Romance can easily annoy the crap out of people, especially when it's so dominant in recent YA literature. I think you're doing a really awesome job with the pacing and relationship though!
First story here I am super excited about. Like, really, great stuff. Going to be my first <3 here! Please keep going and don't leave me hanging.
Commented on: November 16, 2013
Definitely a hooking start! Sets up for a grand adventure, of course. Not quite sure what Black Blood is, but I'm interested to find out...
Just two things I wanted to ask about: it seems that your first chapter is a repeat, and is written twice on the document. Also, is there any particular reason you're using italics for dialogue? It is unconventional, but if there's any way you can justify it--like the usage of two different languages, then it's fine. Otherwise, dialogue should be written in normal type.
This story looks well written so far. There is so little to work with, so I won't critique on character development... yet. Haha, but you're doing a great job. I'm assuming that some of the characters are based on Chinese due to their names...? Well, keep going! Great starts need great finishes!
Commented on: November 16, 2013
A very promising start. Can't say I'm not looking forward to seeing the rest of this! Lots of dialogue there in the first chapter, but I must say--you did a very good job with it. It explained the setting rather well. Though, I'm still a bit confused about the whole Colony-Earth situation... Not a bad thing. These dystopian novels always start out that way, revealing everything slowly. Anxious to see how your world unfolds!
Next, I saw a few careless mistakes here and there, though nothing too bad. There were some inconsistencies with the formatting and indentation that can be easily fixed. Also, there was this one small typo: "Suddenly a loud explosion pierced the air, making the him jump." I think you meant to leave out "the."
Otherwise, a great start. The flaws are very minor and do not distract from the overall story. Keep going!
Commented on: November 15, 2013
Wow, such sentimental writing. Really had me wishing I was young again-- oh to be innocent! Being a teenager sucks, doesn't it?
Though I cannot lie and say I completely understand the situation and can fully sympathize, I really do hope life works out the way its supposed to. I never seem to say the right thing, but I really do feel like life works out in the end, overacheiving sisters and all. Having a sibling like that is rough, I know.
Now I will try to restrain my philosophical rant and move on to the literary aspects -- lovely writing! It flows nicely, and an interesting stopping point. (Though I do hope the true story ends on a happy note!) Sometimes, the transitions seemed a little forced, as well as the pace of the story. It's a tricky thing when you want to touchbase on specific events and ideas. Also, I think it's more standard to write out numbers like "five" or "four" rather than 5 or 4. Guess it's kind of a picky thing, though.
Anyways, loved all the topics you touched on! All seems very from-the-heart.
Commented on: November 13, 2013
Interesting premise. I like your take on royalty; the beginning reminded me a bit of Louis XIV, who called himself "Sun God" and had his servants brush his teeth for him... Also love that the Queen and King share equal respect for each other; that is something that doesn't happen often enough.
Anyways! Just a few formatting issues and such... Is english your first language? I was just wondering; don't mean any offense. The writing is quite nice, but I was wondering why you were using 'apostrophes' instead of "quotation marks."
Also, some of the paragraphs are a bit long. It is easier to read when the paragraphs are a bit smaller--like one or two main ideas per paragraph. That is easily fixable, as there are many paragraphs you could definitely split into two or three.
Plot has a lot of potential! I laughed when you said the King hugged his sons in "chronological order." Original description! I like it.
So keep going! Don't doubt yourself and write! I really wish I had more bravery in posting my writing... Don't learn from me! I really think this story can turn out great with some tweaking here and there.
Commented on: November 13, 2013
Thanks for the comment! I have to confess that I am not very good with keeping up with updates... but I'll try. I usually try to update by the 17th of the month, if nothing else. But you will definitely get something within a week!
And Viekrum... well more will be explained next chapter. Let's just say it is a cliched addition to my fantasy satire. Every fantasy needs a Mordor/Isengard! Or something.
Commented on: November 12, 2013
Interesting story! Really! Definitely left this chapter on a cliffhanger, too...
As an original story--especially your first one--this is going great. Your worldbuilding is pretty awesome! Seein' the references to Japanese culture and such, I'm guessing your a fan? The games-idea is cool, too.
But here comes the picky part... Things I wish were more elaborated on: Izumi's self-conflict with his role (esp. relationship with the King and country's citizens. Does he feel obligated to 'protect' them? What is the state of the country?), the relationship between him and Yukimi, and Yukimi's past-complex. I have a feeling you were going to elaborate on them eventually, but I was just saying... Sometimes even published stories don't do these things justice.
For example, something that really irks me is when they neglect the plot and focus on romance. The romance is supposed to ENHANCE the plot, not be the centerpiece, even if its a romance like Romeo and Juliet. That was about the Cap-Monty feud, and the romance between the lovebirds was just gooey, warm stuff. Wow here I go ranting... haha sorry. Anyways, your doing good stuff with the romance. I'm just worried that they're moving a tiny too fast. It's good to have a small idea of romance... but maybe focus more on friendship at first? Since you've said Yukimi doesn't make friends easily... that should be HUGE.
Honestly, there are some stories here that I mean to review and cannot even get past the first paragraph... This was not the case! Your word flow was fantastic and descriptions are solid. I am diligently waiting for more....
Keep going! Good stuff here. I'll stop being picky... for now. Sorry this review was such a mess.
Commented on: November 10, 2013
This story has an extreme amount of potential. Very intriguing from the start, and a very good snapshot of the plot. Just a couple of nitpicky things.
First, I believe there is excessive use of ellipses ("...") sometimes. I personally love using "...," but be careful not to use them too much or they lose some of their effect. It is perfectly appropriate to put a comma in sometimes where you put them.
Also, it is good to explain the straights of these shapeshifters and such, but it'd be better to reveal your knowledge a little less obviously. Not many readers have the patience to read through a list, even if it has only three things. Explanations are good to be a little more subtle and embedded so that the piece flows.
I am looking forward to seeing more! Chapter two seemed a little shorter than the first one, but that makes sense. You have nice character development, and I'm looking forward to learning more. Sorry I'm such a picky person. Your writing flows well in many parts, especially the first couple of paragraphs of the story. Dragged me into it. Please tell me more about the world you are building and keep going!
Commented on: November 8, 2013
You have beautiful writing. It flows nicely and the mood of the piece just falls in place. Amelia seems very mature, and I am interested to see what happens later in the story. Only wish there were more for me to read...
Also, on a bit of a more critical note, I was a little shocked at the end to find the the chapter had ended so abruptly. Maybe you could find a way to wrap up the chapter a little better so that the reader isn't so surprised? I was expecting a little more to happen and felt it was a little awkward. It's a lovely start and I just think the ending should do the rest justice.
I would love to see where this goes! Keep going!
Commented on: November 6, 2013
Hooked since chapter one! Great start...
I wished I had a little more insight on Mira's personality, though. Guess it started coming in chapter 7, but still... Crazy? I was thinking average, naive and mild-tempered rich girl (which I have no problem with). Maybe I'm just being too impatient though. I'm really curious what kind of person she is! Please keep going...
I wanna see her blow up and get angry. Get VIOLENT. Haha oh no, I'm too weird...
(Of course that's just me. I have a strange sense of humor).
Lovin' that Violent can cook! Woo. So, uh, definitely keep writing!
Commented on: October 27, 2013
Thanks so much for the comment and suggestions! It made me laugh and scare my dog to pieces. (I do not have elegant laughter).
I'm not completely sure where this story is going.... but I think I'll let the character's take hold of the plot. Ha. This may end in madness. Hope you won't mind!
Anyways--back to the topic! Thanks for the lesson in grammar dialogue... I've always been confused about that. In all, thanks for the lovely comment. This reply is probably just as--if not more--disorganized than your response. Basically, just wanted to say THANK YOU.
And yes, I promise to tell Kaeron to take off his shirt once in a while...
Commented on: October 27, 2013