- Joined 08/29/13
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Alright sorry for the wait. I just got done with chapter two, read it, liked it. So far this is looking to be really interesting, I enjoyed the part where Niek got angry when her supposed "heresy" was called into question. If I have one suggestion it might be, so far, to try and keep Niek's emotions a little less...fickle I believe the word is? So far she's a good character but I might work to try and keep her emotions a little less up and down, unless of course that is something that is going to be called into question later. In which case I would say keep it up and really focus on a lack of control of her emotions. Otherwise this was a good chapter and I'm looking forward to more.
Commented on: September 9, 2013
So far, as it stands, the swearing is fine in all honesty. But it's something to be aware about because a lot of swear words as we know them today -didn't exist-. So if someone drops some modern slang it'll break the immersion. Just something to be wary about, nothing really needing too much changing.
Commented on: September 3, 2013
Alright, I just got done with chapter one of your story. I have to say that I'm impressed. You have put a lot of thought into your world and what goes into it. Rarely do I find unpublished authors who have fully worked out the lore to their story before writing it, which is an impressive foresight on your part. That being said I have mixed feelings on one part, which is the transitions between how she arrived there and her time spent there. That doesn't mean it's bad, but I'm not used to that kind of transition. It was implemented well enough though and I like that you kept it focused on one character the entire chapter, too often do I see three character transitions in one chapter. I have one or two things to nitpick about, one of which being just a few typos that I spotted, but that's forgivable. I mean c'mon, we're still human. Though the other one I would nitpick is swearing. Now I'm not the kind of guy who goes "No swearing is the devil and you should never do it!" That's just not me. Though there was a point, I believe it was "You piece of shit bastard" was the exact quote. In a fantasy setting swearing is fine if you understand the swears that were used during the period it is supposedly set in. To me that quote is probably about as far away as you could get before it gets into something that would break the immersion of the reader. So my suggestion for chapter one so far is to be careful when you drop a swear word because that might give the reader pause. Now then, about the writing itself. I quite enjoyed it, you have a way with setting up tension in a scene. I had a bit of a flashback moment with your demon-type monsters when you revealed them at first, haha. It almost felt like I had spotted my vampire again, but great minds think alike I suppose. Overall I had fun reading chapter one and I look forward to the other chapters.
Commented on: September 3, 2013
Thank you for the great review! Yes I do have a good grasp on the politics and lore of this fantasy world because it's a story I've been working on for -ten years- I've had a lot of time to develop it. As for the character description, thank you for pointing that out. I'll be sure to edit that in the near future (Aka official chapter one of this story) hopefully it'll turn out as good as this did. Again thank you so much for the good review and I'm looking forward to getting chapter one done.
Commented on: August 30, 2013