Chad Boyes | SparkaTale

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  • Joined 12/14/15
  • Last login 12/30/15
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The Jade Dragon
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  • 'Eamersdr - Dreamers' - A collaboration with Emi Valladarez

    In the fourth paragraph, it's remarked "More misery resulted" and this just seems like a really awkward sentence. Could use "I felt sorrow" or something similar that would denote it is how the character is feeling at least. (Something more personal I suppose?)

    The sixth (maybe) paragraph, "inside its allocated shelf" seems odd. Could replace with "returned to it's rightful place" or a similar phrase. Librarian isn't a name (and is only really a job title) so you don't need to capitalize it. "chorus of pedestrians" is another awkward phrase, and you seem to be a fan of searching for words that are either out of place or just "unique" (a word or phrase that someone wouldn't normally use). This is common in "amateur" (for lack of a better word) writers as they like the words they might normally use are too normal or plain. This is a fallacy, as readers might not be able to identify with the writing properly if every second phrase they see is unusual and out of place. That's only my opinion though, I don't want to transform your story into my own :p "Everyone kept to their social classes," is a misleading phrase for our main character to use, as a "social class" is generally a large group of people, such as lower class middle class etc. which would make the landscape a bit less "barren" for our MC. Different word choice here, I'd suggest.

     

    I'm going to leave this comment as is, on this note, as I'm getting a little nitpicky. I will continue reading the chapter, and I think the story is very good so far, but I'd suggest wandering through a little more (or I will myself at a later time) to try and catch more of these "unusual" phrases :) 

     

    Commented on: December 17, 2015

  • The Jade Dragon

    Thank you, I'm glad you think so highly of my work :D She sticks to the alleyways on her trek to the Guild house, and I could have sworn I made a point of mentioning that no one was awake and about except for vagrants and beggars who would take no notice. They have met before, I encourage you to read Chapter 3 ;) I may have meant explicit yes ;p And if none of her thoughts are in italics that means they didn't translate in the copy paste D: I'll go through and find them, thanks :)

    Commented on: December 16, 2015

  • The Jade Dragon

    That's actually the kind of feel that I wanted to put in, like as if she has spent her whole life learning this art. As for how easily she was followed, the only reason for that is because I intended this assassin to be quite a bit older (30's or 40's) so he would have his own tricks, and not only that but he is unremarkable, someone you wouldn't notice in a crowd let alone the unlit city streets. To the fight scene, I dislike reading any story that has a fight in it where the main character does away with their opponent unscathed. In a real fight, especially one with weapons, ESPECIALLY one where the main character is caught unawares, it is highly unlikely they would not suffer some form of wound. This man she fought is also a career killer, so he has some measure of skill. I have three chapters so far so I encourage you to review each of them! (:

    Commented on: December 14, 2015