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Well hello there, everyone!
Happy here at your service! Pleased to meet you. Not much to say yet as I’m just taking a look around the site, but feel free to drop me a line any time! Or check out my book. Yeah, you can do that, too. That would be cool.
Hey! Thank you for the review! I'll definitely take a look at the things you pointed out and see how I can best fix them. By all means, if you feel like going through with a fine tuner and pointing out any grammar mistakes, I'd be more than pleased! I find that I often miss so many while editing my own work.
Anyway, thank you for reading the first few chapters here!
Commented on: May 18, 2015
(Just so you know, I review as I read!)
First of all, beautiful description in the first sentence. It’s very picturesque. Unfortunately, your sentence is a run-on. Here is how I see reconstructing the sentence: “When the sun rises in Sunstone Valley, the faces of the mountain surrounding the plain are lit up like a blazing fire[;] when the sun sets, the stones glow a brilliant purple color[. Because of this,] the people of the valley are reminded of how wondrous the world was created to be.”
NOTES: Perhaps find a stronger word than ‘colour’ to describe the purple?
“…four years to complete phase one[;] however, talented twins…”
“They chattered…” Perhaps chatted? Not feeling, chattered for this sentence.
Maybe restructure the sentence to “Surrounded by students a year ahead of themselves, they chatted excitedly as they made their way to the testing facility.” I don’t know… the way it is now is fine, but I feel like it lacks a certain “umph”.
Since you’re talking about the two of them, I see how using “each” is tempting, but try finding a different word to describe the pair of them?
“There conversation stopped short…” I feel like this would usually be put in if something unexpected or sudden happens, right? I was expecting “There conversation was stopped short when a bull dog pounced on Sol” or something of that effect xD Maybe use a different descriptor to their conversation ending?
No! Don’t describe him as “the male teacher with the longer brown hair…” That is telling, and you want to show your reader what he looks like. Perhaps, “a teacher asked, as he flicked his long brown hair out of his eyes.” By doing something like that you’re giving the reader the opportunity to build a picture of him.
“[T]he teacher grinned with intrigue…”
“[T]he teacher winked…”
“And [you’re] brother Blade…” (And you must be her brother Blade….*?*)
“has [sat] in on a few of your….”
“…up to the exam[,] though….”
So your description is nice and most of your dialogue is very good! Keep an eye out for when you start to “tell” instead of “show”, though! Also, maybe go over some of the dialogue (particularly with the teacher) and read it aloud. You’ll be able to pin-point what sounds stiff, and fix it to be smoother.
A great start! Keep up the good work!
Commented on: May 14, 2015