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Student writer, lifeguard and swim instructor Science fiction and mystery fan, freelance illustrator and writer, Canada.
University Undergraduate majoring in Biology, minoring in Psychology.
Currently working on Project: Aphelion as my major novel project, alongside various other related side projects in Ops 9. If you enjoy my other works I regret to say that I'm not focusing on them at the moment, though I do intend to complete them at some point.
Comments/Critique appreciated, will try to return any favours of such in a timely fashion.
Hah, yeah; I actually got invited over here for my novel Ops 9, but I decided I might as well post my other main story as well. Sorry I haven't gotten very far along reviewing your story either, Finals showed up so I've been busy as well.
Reviewed on: December 17, 2013
As per usual, I will begin with a disclaimer that all below is my personal opinion and if you disagree with something I say or suggest, you are of course free to ignore me.
Initial Impressions: This was my interpretation of what I read over. If your own interpretation is any different in various areas, then I would consider simply re-reading that area to ensure that you believe that your vision of what is occurring is as clear as possible.
We open with an action packed movie cinematic. A man with a rifle sits alone on the roof of a fast moving train, its path arcing high and low through a bustling sea of concrete. His experience is obvious and status apparent; he’s working, and his task is about to come to fruition in a sudden burst of smoke and flame. With practiced ease he pulls off the job, eyes meeting for just a moment with his objective. As the train pulls away into the distance he drops away out of sight right in the face of the man, the great oppressor of this dystopian future. The game is on.
Break away to a private get together, a psychiatrist and her client who is looking to return to the field. They seem well acquainted with one another, beyond that of a long term client and practitioner. Perhaps they are friends, since Dr. Emerson goes beyond the needs of her duties and stretches the margins of acceptable conduct. Protocol says she should deny her client his request, but she feels that a return to the field is what he both desires and needs. The quiet contemplation as the officer steps out into the interior of the imposing government facility is a stark contrast to the previous violence. This is a place of order and civility.
Quinn was something of a prodigy, but he’d been off duty for a short period following a recent tragedy. His superior had been pressuring him to return, and now, he was finally back. And now, he was going to meet with him. He walks solemnly towards his fate, his eyes drawn mostly to the faces of the people who cross paths with him. He finally reaches his superiors office, only to find that much had changed in time he had spent away. What hasn’t changed is his relationship with his superior; they are still as comfortable and casual with each other as ever, or so it seems on the surface anyhow.
But that familiarity soon fades into the background, he is after all here on business. The grim business of controlling the masses through violence, that same business that cost him Cara. Just reading the file prompts a flashback to the moment, pulling him from reality until he finds himself again. He is here and alive, and his superior is handing to him a new assignment…along with a promotion. He is surprised, unsure of if he is ready or suitable for this task, but his superior Tallan dismisses his misgivings.
Quinn has never been much of a team player, even before he worked best with just his partner. But now he’s faced with a new task hunting down an old enemy, and if he’s to do so he’s going to need allies. His superior suspects that the organization is no longer secure. And the Blackwatch, their old enemy, remains elusive. Now he must assemble a team to hunt down these agents of chaos, once and for all.
Characters: My impression of the characters from a read through.
Lucca: The marksman on the train comes off as a classic, stereotypical shooter. Experienced and unattached, he takes a quiet satisfaction in his proficiency in his line of work. As a professional, he considers what he does to be important, and as such does not hesitate to take lives when he deems it necessary to the cause. That aside, other aspects of his personality are difficult to determine since he displays little emotional inflection besides the satisfaction at a job well done, and minor irritation at his comrade.
Dr. Emerson: I have mixed feelings about Dr. Emerson. She strikes me as an older, experienced individual, who given her line of work, should be able to act as a mentor to Quinn. However the tone of her dialogue doesn’t really give me that sort of impression, instead she feels like an old friend who has been taking care of him during his downtime. While this might be true, there is a level of professionalism which is lost in this current iteration of her character which I feel should be there if she is to retain her role as some sort of D.I.S government shrink.
Quinn: That Quinn has recently suffered the loss of someone important to him is made immediately obvious, but the emotional effect is not readily there. As a reader, I can observe the effects of the trauma, but whatever kind of government agent he is supposed to be, I don’t really get any sort of vibe from his speech patterns or relationships that he does the kind of work that is anywhere close to Lucca (who is on the other side) from earlier. It’s all and well that he’s friendly with his co-workers, and his psychiatrist, but the casual language, especially the tone he takes with his superior Tallan (who likes him, admittedly, but even so differences in rank and position exist for a reason), I find unfitting for someone in his line of work. Of course, this remains my personal take on it; if this is the atmosphere you want to establish with these characters then by all means retain them as they are.
Tallan: This one is a little more difficult. Once you sit on the seat of power, it is simple enough to do as you please since no one can tell you otherwise what you should be doing. He seems rather carefree with Quinn, who he is clearly friendly with, but given this familiarity his lack of compassion for his underling who he knows has lost someone close to him is somewhat odd. He offers words of support, stating his confidence in Quinn’s abilities, but outside of this expectation of success seems unremorseful for having called him back to duty so soon.
He is apparently more professional once he learns that Quinn has been reinstated, and adds that last comment as Quinn is going. Overall, I’m not quite sure of what kind of impression you want to be creating of Tallan’s character, who is to me, at once distant, but at the same time friendly with Quinn. Perhaps you might put this down to creating a balance between acting as a friend and acting as a superior officer, but the current execution of this mix seems somewhat off to me.
Nitpicking: I’ve gone down through just the first section (I’m lazy), but in this vein for the whole of this chapter I recommend giving things a read through and trying to remove redundancy and simplify sentences where possible.
Of note, I would pay particular attention to the dialogue to make sure words that are spoken flow like a conversation. Narration and dialogue should be two separate things, and there are features to narration which don’t translate well when placed into a conversation between characters.
“The train rumbled its way along the tracks, suspended miles above the ground floor…”
-Pick one, ground, or floor.
“…run in one giant loop…”
-Personally, I would use (ran in a) or (running in one/a giant)
“Seated atop the middle car, with little to keep him in place but his own centre of balance and the foot jammed against the side of the roof, Lucca watched the world through the magnified vision of a rifle scope.”
-Cool as this is in concept, it is a somewhat impractical and improbable position for a marksman (woman) to place themselves in. To retain the setting, I would perhaps either write in some kind of stabilizing equipment for Lucca, or just add some fixtures to the train roof against which Lucca can anchor himself.
“Gazing through the cross-hairs at the city passing by below him…”
-You may choose to omit both “by” and “him”, for a cleaner sentence
“ he marveled the mobs and groups that lingered through the streets”
-An (at) appears to be missing following “he”
“…fighting to get past and through each other like so many bickering ants.”
-I would select either “get” (through/past), or opt for (to pass through each/one another)
“Idly, he matched his breathing… “
-This one is more personal preference, but I prefer synced (Synchronized) here, and would prefer the ordering of (He idled, syncing his breathing…)
“But, nevertheless, …”
-You may omit (But)
“Six years, he had never missed a shot. He didn't intend to start now.”
(In six years he had never missed, and he didn’t intend to start now.) Is how I would do it, just to avoid a glut of sudden short sentences. But regardless of how you do it, I would recommend the addition of an (In) or (For)
“…ahead of it’s…”
-(its) rather than “it is”
“…the whole train he rode on, let alone a prison fence.”
-We already know he’s riding the train, and a more typical phrasing for what you’re looking for, in my personal opinion: (…the whole train, never mind the prison fence.)
“ …inhaled deeply, and tightened his finger over the trigger.”
-Your mileage may vary, but I am personally informed that when shooting many prefer to fire as they are exhaling so as to avoid unnecessary movement.
“From two miles away, the sound was strong enough to draw a loud collection of gasps from the passengers inside his chosen car, the explosion bursting up in a shower of sparks, flame, and uprooted dirt. On contact, it would have been earsplitting.”
-omit “chosen”. By “On contact”, I assume you mean something along the lines of (At ground zero) or (Up close), both of which I find to flow better.
“…until his position became wrong and his rifle useless, all the while the scope swung, back and forth, up and down- there! “
-(until he was out of position…) followed by either a period (.) or semicolon (;).
“…settled for grinding his teeth together as he was forced to watch her painfully slow progress.”
-Likely a sentence break is needed, along with an (Instead, he settled with/for/on grinding his…)
“…into a normal focus and leaping back into real size…“
-Pick one of “into normal focus” or “real size”, of which I prefer the former.
“…whistling wind that had filled his ears since boarding now replaced by…”
-You may omit “since boarding now”
“…its neighbours and acting as a constant reminder to the people that the Department were always watching.”
-You may omit “and”, “to the people”, and I would use (that the Department was always watching.)
“that building, and in his mind’s eye, those who dwelled within.”
(that building, imagining those within.)
“You’re move Nye. Play…”
-I would add an (It’s) to the front, so that Lucca’s words properly match the previous sentence affirming what it is that he knows.
“So, Quinn, tell me this; do you really feel you’re ready to return to fieldwork? It’s not just some, I dunno, misguided urge to deliver justice? Or perhaps a method of escaping from your problems?”
-This shrink sounds a tad unprofessional in tone, which doesn’t match my impression of how a psychiatrist should behave. However if this is what you intended, carry on. And Quinn’s experience with shrinks makes it sound like he’s also worked with some rather poor psychiatrists.
“she was nearly a decade his elder, yet it didn't show on her softly smiling face, nor in warm honey eyes.
-(she was his elder by nearly a decade), or (she was nearly a decade older,) (smiling face, nor her warm honey eyes.)
Commented on: August 4, 2017
And the second half, continuing on roughly from where I left off:
“ her right shoulder blade; unable to tear her gaze away as dark, crimson blood seeped into the fabric of her sweater, the grey turning to maroon.”
-Since there’s a semi-colon in use, following that semi-colon the structure should resemble that of a new sentence, thus something like “(she found herself) unable to tear her gaze away…” is necessary.
“…Hot, bitter liquid rose…”
-Small details, but bile and stomach acid (and thus vomit in general) isn’t usually bitter.
“…before oblivion took her, no longer able to fight the growing darkness.”
-As it stands now, the sentence reads that (oblivion (was) no longer able to fight the growing darkness). It needs a some simple re-organizing (ie. “…before (she/Gwen) let oblivion take her, no longer able to fight the growing darkness.”
“…until only a pale silhouette remained; like a wispy, grey…”
-Semi-colon here should probably be a comma since semi-colons should be used to connect two related, but individually distinct ideas (that could be separated by a period).
“…first; her thoughts hazy, muddled.”
-As above, alter structure to support use of semi colon, or replace with comma.
And that’s that, as far as my initial read over goes. Onto the overarching ideas of the chapter:
Here we get our first glance at some of the other members of the spectrum, who, militarized and rigid as they are, make Forneus stand out all the more due to his different, more compassionate demeanour. Of course we know that he has some sort of history with Gwen and/or her family, but nevertheless it seems clear to me that for one reason or another Forneous has a different attitude/view on life and mortality than his fellows.
Mathis seems a to be an officer born or raised of nobility, the sort of classy and well educated, and by the books in the way he gets things done. He lends that other half to the sort of rougish, devilmaycare solo operative attitude that Phenax displays in the line of duty. From the general impression I get it seems as though we’ll be seeing more of Mathis as the missions to find the other artifacts progresses, and though whether he might become more important than his current background/plot progressing role remains to be seen.
I did wonder when we would get to see more of the mythology of the Phoenix developed with Phenax and his character. The healing is on point, and though on a basic level I do personally dislike the plot-armour esque qualities of the unshakable all-encompassing healing abilities that Phenax possesses, I understand that this choice may have been one which was driven primarily by the miraculous qualities that phoenixes are purported to possess in traditional mythologies. My main reason for bringing this up though is because it seems a bit of a waste to spend so much time building up this toxic substance that Gwen is afflicted with which blocks out her abilities to make use of her abilities, only to have it immediately and easily removed by Phenax without any real effort. I don’t know in particular how I might go about solving this problem, indeed it may in fact be correct for you to retain this particular plot device in order for your story to continue in the fashion. However having both the problem and solution occur essentially one after another within the same chapter of the story makes it seem to me that there may be a bit of an issue with pacing here. I’m not suggesting that you find some sort of filler to place inbetween since I think that would be equally disruptive to the pace, but perhaps you might consider moving some other elements of your story forwards or backwards in order for this event to have more significance to the plot.
My last comment on the chapter would be that what I do enjoy about the chapter is how the dynamic between Phenax and Forneus is further explored to add a little more depth to the relationships between the two. It is done rather nicely, in a subtle, not too much in your face kind of way. I do wish that the two had gotten a little more “screen time” so to speak in this chapter, so that they might have more opportunities to interact with each other but it’s understandable that Gwen and the events that happen around her must remain to primary focus.
Commented on: May 11, 2016
Hi there, I know it's been (a long) while. I hope you've been doing well in the interim. Not really sure if there's any kind of feedback in particular that you're looking for, so I'm going to just post some grammar/pacing/working/logic things that stick out to me as I read through the chapter, then when I get to the end of it I'll write again on my overall thoughts on the chapter.
Feel free to disregard any of the below notes if you don't agree with them, since of course they're just my opinion on the matter.
“…preventing herself from falling over the wall and into the swirling rapids below.”
-(optional replacement for “preventing”: to keep) herself from falling into the swirling rapids below.
“…the unearthly sounds of roaring and snarling far behind her…”
- the unearthly roars and snarls (If she’s far away, can she still hear them?) behind her
“…lest the monsters got past…”
- consider: “lest the monsters passed…”
“It was the only thing keeping her exhaustion at bay now, despite the burning ache stabbing at her calf muscles like a series of small, hot needles.”
-This sentence begins discussing Gwen’s exhaustion, then uses the comparative preposition “despite” to talk about her discomfort, comparing essentially, the discomfort to itself. This spot could be restructured somewhat to read along the lines of (Despite her (describe her physical discomfort), Gwen’s fear kept the exhaustion at bay)
“As her gaze landed on a large building on the opposite bank with blue neon lettering in a language she didn’t understand, the prickling intensified.”
-This sentence here could probably do with an extra comma somewhere (ie. “As her gaze landed on a large building on the opposite bank, its (front? Entrance? Marked, covered, etc) by blue neon lettering in a language she didn’t understand, the prickling intensified) since as it is, it reads a little as a run on sentence.
“…when her toe caught on something”
-Optional: Just semantics, but most of the time even if it is just one toe unless it’s an important specificity that just the toe caught on something, it’s probably easier to use “foot”
“hands over her face with her eyes tightly shut,”
-consider: “hands covering her face, eyes shut, “
Commented on: April 21, 2016
Hi, welcome back,
For starters, thanks a lot for all the feedback. At this present time I've currently halted any forward progress with Ops 9: Memory here, to make an attempt to finish the first draft of my main novel (Project: Aphelion).
That isn't to say that what you're doing here isn't helpful. As you may have surmised Ops 9 is related to that particular project,and even if I'm not progressing this particular plot past the point to which it has currently been developed the exercise of going back to edit is obviously critical for building writing skills.
I'll keep your input in mind as I go back to make revisions in both of these novels. I myself have been rather busy in this past period, but if I have a spare moment I'll be sure to get back to you and return the favour with a review on your work.
I wish you the best of luck!
Commented on: September 29, 2015
My questions, if you want to call them that, are simply meant to be used as a tool for you to perhaps understand what a reader might think as they read through what you've created (Obviously, this is subjective between different people and their unique experiences), you could think of it as a bit of a reflection on what has been presented. I don't particularly expect you to answer them in the form of a reply, it's more like they're comments put there that you may or may not use to steer your own creative process if you so choose.
I wish you the best of luck as you go over your second draft.
Commented on: July 2, 2015
It’s good to get a look at a little more of Phenex and Forneus’ relationship. There’s a pretty good ‘Old Friends’ sort of feel to it that helps it feel genuine. In the moments leading up to their parting you can really see where the conversation is going (If you’ve ever had that sort of experience yourself). I find it interesting how Phenex finds Gwen’s hometown to be an unpleasant place. I’m guessing that there’s something else to it that we don’t know yet.
I wonder, does a phoenix actually have a sort of youth? It is after all, a symbol of life and rebirth, what would actually qualify as the youth of a phoenix? I suppose such questions are beyond the scope of your narrative but it could be something to bring up or discuss at a later date, should you so choose. Seems like there’s a bit of bitterness towards humanity there too with the way that Phenex recalls his past encounters with people.
Cheeky bastard or not, Phenex sure fights well in the rain for a fire user, though I question his confidence whether it is warranted or not. Certainly a professional soldier might be expected to show a little more discipline in combat, but I suppose he is an agent of higher beings and not subject to the same standards we hold mortals by. Whatever the case, perhaps it’s better that Phenex feels his emotions so strongly still. It must be terrifying to incur the wrath of such powerful being, but one shudders when imagining what damage could be inflicted if the wilder instead felt nothing at all.
All that aside, just some other things I noted:
“Both Phenex and Forneus glanced up simultaneously…”
It’s just a little strange that the two of them would be looking down or anything given they were having a conversation, and since Gwen is in the bed I would guess that she should be lower down than them, shouldn’t she? If that’s the case then having those two seems a little odd spacially.
“…prevention of the seals being reactivated, or not.”
The or not here seems a little unnecessary, if I’m getting the meaning of the sentence correctly, and probably can be omitted.
“No answer came to her, though this didn't really come as a surprise, given how very little she knew about the artifacts and their powers, to begin with.”
Some amount of the commas here should be removed, at the moment it reads a little awkwardly with all of the pausing.
“If she was completely honest with herself, she was scared of knowing; once you know something, you can't un-know it, right?”
There are some tensing inconsistencies here; from the rest of what you’ve written so far I would say it should all be in past tense.
Commented on: June 30, 2015
I'm not sure if the triple repetition of "Tedious inch" is necessary, though I'm of the impression that you did so intentionally. It becomes somewhat difficult to work through, and clunky to read to a point, I would likely prefer that "Tedious" was used to as an adjective for the "inches" once, and then only "inches" was repeated.
"tired strength" seems an odd way to describe strength itself, I am of the opinion that the writing flows a little better if you exclude "tired" from that phrase
"...watch fascinated..." is an interesting turn of phrase. I understand what you're trying to get at, but punctuating it to add some pauses where appropriate would make it clearer. By itself, "watch fascinated" seems to have a confusion of tenses.
These of course, are only things to consider. The piece remains yours, and my opinions my own.
Commented on: January 13, 2015
Don't worry about it; I only got around to finishing up with the latest chapter of your book that I'd been working on because of a bout of insomnia as well. Life gets in the way of casual stuff like reading and writing, so I get that you have other things to be doing. I'm pretty busy myself as a University student, especially with winter finals approaching but I'll do my best to try and get another chapter or two in between all that studying.
Commented on: November 27, 2014
Strange how these Akuma bring along steel weapons if they're gifted with mastery over the elements; I suppose it might just be prudent in order to have some flexibility with their options in how they might engage their opponents. Given how Phenax's flames were deflected by Misa's katana, I guess they must be enchanted or something of the sort. On that note give how Phenax's jacket never catches flame either it must be similarly treated; I'd like to get my hands on one of those myself hah, seems as though it would be an interesting party trick to be able to set yourself on fire.
The comment "That's my girl." from Forneus is interesting; he's grown awfully fond of Gwen in such a short period of time in spite of the fact that in some ways, this whole mess happened because of her in the first place.
Forneus certainly displays quite an array of talents, fireballs and lightning apparently; with that noted and the apparent way in which he gains strength as more of the artifacts are recovered I wouldn't be surprised if later on Forneus displays the ability to make use of a whole array of offensive talents.
That must have been some very hot fire for it to affect Gwen from so far away, Phenax is really some sort of monster.
Well, that was a bit of a close call there with those vines. Fortunately for Gwen, Forneus seems to be very aware of his surroundings.Odd that she didn't hear a voice this time when she found the artifact, but I suppose I'll find out the reason for that later.
Phenax seems to be rather resilient, fortunate for him I guess since Kizah appears to be quite a bit more lethal than his two siblings. Though Phenax seems somewhat unhappy that he'll be the one blamed for the collateral damage inflicted on the structure...well, it was mostly him afterall, I guess he's just loath to admit that he may have overdone it a little.
It's pretty apparent that Forneus and Phenax have been friends for a long time; I like that you make the relationship quite apparent for both characters, Forneus' more patient and considerate personality complementing Phenax's firey disposition.
And at last, it looks like we're going to get a glimpse of the primary antagonist. I love shadows, I love darkness, and well, Reeves, that's certainly a classy enough name for me; I'm in to see what this Reeves character has to offer. Don't let me down, you damn twisted mastermind! Or, on further reading, damn twisted Lieutenant I suppose. But that's not an issue, I love lieutenant's and second in commands too.
Hearing Forneus referred to as a "common daemon" is a little disconcerting given what he's able to accomplish even in just his weakened state. One wonders at what this Reeves or Ladyship might be, and what powers they could possibly possess. Reeves seems to be rather level headed though, from the way he speaks and thinks; very pragmatic is how I would characterize him from my initial glance. A good quality in a lieutenant, always lovely to see a villain who knows how not to screw up.
And with that, he shadowwalks away to see "Her Ladyship". I look forward to meeting the master this shadowy being serves, I can only hope that her qualities are equally appealing, or at least appropriate for a being of her position.
Some more editorial comments below:
"Her violet eyes, despite the heavy scarring of her right eyelid, shone brightly as day faded to night..." I think it might flow a little better reordered to "In spite of the heavy scarring of her right eyelid, her violet eyes shone brightly as day faded to night..."
"his skin beginning to prickle in anticipation" Could probably be converted to "his skin prickling in/with anticipation."
"be to invite their own deaths." Could probably retain the meaning while being written as "be inviting death."
" though the auburn-haired entity was far too quick for him. " Maybe it works better as "...the auburn-haired entity though, was far too quick for him." ?
"Up the worn, broken stone steps Gwen ran" I would probably opt for "Up the worn...she ran", otherwise beginning with "Gwen ran up the..."
"the wounds in his calf and back were another matter, however" Works a little better I've found, as "the wounds in his calf and back however, were another matter."
Commented on: November 27, 2014
Well, Fenister and Gillian do have a history after all, so I tried to make that as clear as possible without giving too much of it away at once.
The flashbacks are a tool and motif if this miniseries I guess; stuff that isn't related to the immediate plot but is important for providing context for what characters say and do are used strategically to help the story along.
If anything ever comes up as strange or perhaps in need of further explanation it's probably because Ops 9: Inersia was actually written before Memory (Hence its completion), so something like the Thopters may have been described there instead, but that's a different story entirely. Anyway I really appreciate the time you've taken to proofread my work, it's been very helpful to me.
Commented on: November 10, 2014
"...stroking the sapphire ring on his middle finger, Forneus sighed, and leaned..." Perhaps it's just me but the flow of this sentence seems a little odd to me, the double stops following finger and sighed form a sort of juxtaposition with the rest which sounds clunky. Perhaps you could consider moving "Forneus sighed,.." to the beginning, which may also result in some alteration to "(and) lean(ed/ing)"
"...bangs, and splashing..." the 'and' could probably be omitted here.
Since Forneus is a Daemon and all, I'm interested in learning where all his mannerisms stem from; he seems to be quite the gentleman, all soft spoken and considerate. Not to say that demons in particular can't be nice, or pretend to be nice, I supposed I may simply be still trying to place him within an archetype rather than grant him space as his own character.
"Doing her best to keep her gaze averted, she just caught the brief flicker of his gaze in her direction,..." Try and find a synonym for gaze here for one of the instances so you can avoid the repetition.
Quite the crowd they stumble on in the middle of Germany, looks like just about the whole of the unhallowed horde managed to shamble out of Tartarus. Phenax seems to still be in pretty good fighting shape though it seems as though he might have been somewhat unemployed for a long time when these monsters were locked away. Forneus with his mild mannerisms on the other hand seems somewhat out of place in the battle, though it should be interesting to see what the Daemon can actually do.
I was surprised that the amulet seemed to give up its gifts so easily, though I suppose she does seem to have been chosen to find them so if anyone gets to use them it would be her. Interesting choice to have the locket grant powers of domineering given how Loki was a trickster above all things; I guess it is easier to pull a trick on someone who's not overly bright.
I'm still working on placing Forneus, he has quite a variety of abilities alongside his almost crippling tether to these artifacts. First lightning and teleportation, and now fireballs? Is he some sort of fallen godling? And if he is some sort of lesser god, what is his connection to Gwen that has gotten them into the past seven years of trouble? That he is quite fond of her seems quite clear, but the reasoning behind this has yet to become clear to me.
Must be some heck of a lot of shrouding magic used in that fight to keep people from noticing all that fire and the clamour of battle; I'm surprised things went so smooth for them in the middle of the city. It would appear that the three companions have been under the protection of a fair bit of luck so far; with the way Gwen seems to be struggling to surmount the challenges she's faced with I can only hope for their sake that their luck continues in the future.
Commented on: November 10, 2014
So everything thus far seems to point to the fact that Gwen was the girl Forneus bumped into during the opening, some eight years ago. How she got there I obviously can't say, but if Forneus is a Daemon and Phenax is a Pheonix, it raises questions as to the exact identity of Gwen's father given his habits of staying away. For me that's the conclusion I draw at least.
The way Phenax talks about the escapees from the prison and those tasked to find them, it seems like he's either one of these task members, or close with someone who is. It'd make sense I guess, a phoenix is good at getting around after all.
Bit of a laugh that after all of this she's still stuck in just her pajamas, must be chilly. Now that I'm further down I can see I was right 'bout Phenax being a soldier, logic wins yet again.
It gets abit grating to hear the term "human personified pheonix" or "human firebird" and such after awhile, I don't believe its all that necessary once you've introduced Phenax as such, but you'll have to make your own judgement call there.
This is quite a room that Gwen's been given, very posh really, even for elite soldiers or what not; these gods are certainly accommodating. Interesting how these celestial beings or whatever require this Ether; does it contribute to the refueling of their stores of magic? If they don't eat food, where are they getting the food for Gwen from later, are they making it? I'm interested in learning more about the system of magic, whatever it might be.
This Phoenix is certainly less kind than most I've heard of in literature, not to say that it's a bad thing, a little refreshing in fact. He does seem almost unreasonably cross towards Gwen though, so I wonder what exactly it is in his past that makes him so intolerant.Gwen has some reasonable arguments though is a little too uninformed to get a good grasp of the bigger picture, so it seems as though Phenax is being somewhat overly hostile; I mean the poor girl just had her whole world flipped on its head after all.
Their mission, whatever it is, seems as though it might well be over Gwen's head, it should be interesting to see how she adapts to the mess she's been thrown into.
Commented on: November 2, 2014
For a symbol of rebirth, Phenax is awfully testy; perhaps that's a side affect of his affinity for fire, tied to its recklessness and impatience. Funny how he fixates on her jewelry, though I suppose in the darkness under the lights it might be the most immediately obvious feature one would spot.
Gwen seems a lot less bold without Forneus around, I guess for her, the more positive attitude and tone he sued with her was really an anchor point for her confidence. I guess that would make sense with the way Phenax has been treating her, plus it seems like he has the whole sort of "badass" look with the leather jacket and all.
It raises questions as to what exactly a daemon is if Phenax holds Forneus' durability in such high regard; Phenax doesn't seem all that concerned though, perhaps he's in good standing with the gods and all? I hope that with Phenax maybe I'll get to see what the inside of this Pantheon or whatever looks like; if phoenix are man shaped and sized, what will a god be like?
Commented on: October 31, 2014
Thank you for bringing these errors to my attention, they have since been corrected.
"Issue armour" refers to a type of armour in this case, rather then just armour that has been selected for distribution. It is used in a similar fashion to how I could have described it as "heavy armour" or "Specialist equipment."
Thanks for taking the time to help me review these chapters.
Commented on: October 30, 2014
So the supernatural returns to reclaim the gifts they lost, unsurprising, though Forneus' choice to take the form of an old navy sailor is somewhat surprising; I take it that it most likely has something to do with his occupation? I can't really think of any...savoury words with which to relate to his name unlike Phenax, so I'm left guessing till I go on ahead further. Phenax himself is a talkative fellow, perhaps overshadowed by his companion if only because his appearance is not described in as great detail.
Closer to the beginning of the chapter:
"and leaned" could be replaced with "leaning"
"Brought her out of the dream" seems a little clunky, could be simplified to something along the lines of "woke her, awoken" etc. Some kind of synonymous phrase.
"Even still" seems like there's some information missing, on one hand it could be shortened to just "Still," or you could include more information like "Still, recently..." or "Recently though,..."
Commented on: October 30, 2014
I prefer "muttered absently" personally, but otherwise it was a pretty clean 500 words or so. Perhaps the repeated iterations of the object's sequence around the screen was a tad bit un-necessary but I can understand the point of making sure that process was as clear as possible. I'm curious as to why the girl is crying and clutching a teddy bear, also interested in finding out who exactly tranqed Forneus since I can hardly imagine a young child being able to do so, but that's what opening chapters are for I guess.
Commented on: October 30, 2014