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Thank you very much for taking the time to review. I'll work on the comma splicing stuff! Anyhow, I do hope you continue to read. Thanks again.
Commented on: December 23, 2014
Good to know it's not actually a medical term. I didn't know that. I think I was going to end up changing the word anyway because it looks intimidating overall. The real plot of this story doesn't show up until the middle of chapter three. This is a work in progress though and I'm beginning to see that while I originally wanted it that way, it's not working for most readers. Thanks again!
Commented on: December 19, 2014
Thanks so much for your help. I'll work on what you've said. In fact, to make these chapters easier to digest (though I originally wanted no dialogue in present time for the character, a flash back will take care of that) I will be adding the session where Grace tells Kelly about how she hears voices. Thanks again!
Commented on: December 19, 2014
[REC] Review #1: 2/2
Characters: Ben and Lily seem like fairly solid characters. I do suggest, seeing as Lily is the main character, giving her a little more quirks that will help with her character development. As of chapter two I do still have a feel for your characters so the characterization is there (obviously). Adding quirks to the characters would just be beneficial. I also think working on the emotional description would help as well.
Ending: It didn’t necessarily make my finger itch to go to the next chapter, but not every chapter can be a cliff hanger. It was well written and worked with what you’d already done. Just be sure to have a few cliff hangers though. It’s that excitement that’s needed to get readers to go to the next chapter.
Commented on: December 17, 2014
[REC] Review #1: 1/2
Sorry for the delay. Here we go!
Opening: It’s a good one. The entire paragraph is what I’d consider the whole opening though. It’s rounded and leaves the reader curious about the fur-lined tent and the person who lives in it.
Writing: Your writing flow is good. I found a few awkward sentences, but for the most part it was fluid. I’ll admit that it is a little hard reading the present tense first person point of view for me though. I did want more physical description in response to emotion. When you have your character ‘storming through the woods’ there’s no sense of her emotions. So instead of just telling the reader the character is storming, try adding something like sweaty palms, thumping heart, gritting teeth. It will add to the mood.
Commented on: December 17, 2014
Opening: The first paragraph flows really well and there’s almost an ironic beauty to that first sentence that really captured my attention. But honestly, the way you ended that first opening paragraph was even better. I did a double take and had to re-read it to make sure I’d read it correctly. Not because it was hard to understand, just because I didn’t expect the main character to be dead right up front. At least in the sense of him not being a vampire etc. He’s not a vampire right?
Formatting: Your paragraphs are gigantic. I know a true paragraph is five to ten sentences, but on the net those sentences can get smashed together and it looks like just a large block of text. This can be a little intimidating at times. Your second paragraph alone made me hesitate and it didn’t matter that the first paragraph was amazing either. I was tempted to skim, I didn’t, but other readers might just leave.
Your opening is strong enough that it might not happen, but I wouldn’t chance it. As I continued reading I did notice in that second paragraph that some of the contents of that paragraph didn’t belong with what was written previously. One minute you’re talking about the inside and how he wanted his room to be, the next we’re outside. Too quick of a jump for readers, especially when it’s all mashed into one very large paragraph. My suggestion, break down your paragraphs.
Characters: Heart and Soul are swords, but it seems you’ve made them characters none-the-less. Personified swords is a pretty interesting twist. The main character seems to think they talk to him in battle so either they are actually alive, or the MC is going crazy. This would be understandable considering it sounds like he’s a dedicated soldier, dedicated enough to name his favorite swords.
Ending: Towards the end of the first section I started getting a little confused. I’m not sure what the set-up of his room has to do with a sword going through his heart. Is that your way of making him ‘get lost’ in the moment of being murdered on the battle field? If that’s the case, I would suggest possibly moving the killing scene up... more towards the beginning. Of course, this is just my opinion. I think it would read better if it were that way.
Enjoyment: If I had to rate my enjoyment based on this first chapter I’d give it a 5 out of 10. I’m sorry for the low score (don’t be down hearted, I give everyone a low score - *_-) Why did I give it a low score? It’s not because of your sentence structures, those were good, but you jump around so much in this chapter that it’s really hard to keep track. I have this problem myself, I struggle with it every time I write a chapter. I have so many ideas that I want to get out and the writing is only there for a little bit, so I totally understand.
My suggestion would be to outline the major points you want to portray in this chapter and keep them in chronological order. You also might want to consider using more transitional words or phrases to take you from one spot to another. It makes for a smoother transition from topic to topic. I hope I helped. And remember these suggestions are just that, suggestions. Just one person’s perspective after all.
Commented on: November 20, 2014
Thank so much for taking the time to leave such a great review! I forgot about this site until I got this notification. Thanks again!
Commented on: April 11, 2014
That's not a bad idea. I didn't think of starting it off with Frank actually being killed. Hmm, I may actually do that when I have more time. And don't worry about the time it takes you to review (as long as you don't worry about it with me *_-). We both have lives and other stuff we have to worry about... Like right now I have five tests and about six essays I need to do, but am I doing them? Nope. I'll get another review out to Carriers hopefully sometime tonight! Thanks again for you comments, they've helped a lot and have really got me thinking.
Commented on: March 21, 2014
This was a great opening. Better than your first chapter opening I think. I want to know what started in her throat and that kept my eyes focused on the words that followed. So, I like the changes in the eyes, especially since not everyone got them. I’m curious as to who was susceptible to the drug. I think the ones that had their eyes change are going to be the carriers, because they were resistant to the poison…their eyes changed as a result of their bodies fighting off at least some of the infection. The ones, like Cassie, who didn’t have their eyes change will probably die a slow death. Am I close or completely off?
Apparently I was wrong. Cassie’s eyes changed to blue. I haven’t the foggiest idea what the difference is between the eyes. I’m assuming it has something to do with their chemical make up and how the poisonous drug bonded with their bodies on a molecular level. I’m curious to see where you take this aspect of it.
I think the scientist responding the way that he did was unrealistic. Not that I’m a scientist, but in my opinion given the situation and experiment it would probably be classified, especially since they didn’t initially tell them they were going to be an experiment. It was intentional to get them in that room right? Anyhow, he also says it like they would know what he’s talking about. I suppose the crazy factor is down, but to me it just seemed unrealistic. Though I do like the turn of events in it being a population control virus and given the fact that he (the scientist) was apart of the group that made it, the wink seems appropriately sadistic.
One out of nine seems like a pretty pathetic virus. All eight of them were just that lucky? Hmm. Aside from the nitpicking I did, over all this was a much better chapter than your first one, probably because the plot was starting to kick in. I’m looking forward to see where you take this. Good job!
Commented on: March 17, 2014
I love post apocalyptic stories, which it seems like that’s where this is heading giving the beginning and the summary. I’m pretty excited from that info alone to see where you take this. I’m already noticing the weird factor of the main character and her best friend, at least in my opinion because I loved field trips in school. Anything that got me away from school and let me be with friends in a non-academic setting was fabulous to me.
You introduce two characters with ‘the sender was no other.’ Did you plan on doing it that way? Or was it accidental? I would suggest changing it up, just because it sort of interrupts to the flow. You also used ‘no other’ to present Shay’s boyfriend Carson. I have a few quirks where I reuse phrases and words, but once I became aware that I did it I started searching the chapter for them. I would say try to find a different way to present the characters.
There’s also a bit of information dump as you present each character. It’s not a lot, so you can probably get away with it, but it’s always good to have a little information here and then a little there. Sometimes less is more.
Anyhow, I like Marena, in fact, I liked her even more when she straight up told Shay that if she went down she was taking Shay with her. It was all playful and teasing, but I did sense a note of seriousness to it as well as humor. For awhile I’ve had this niggling feeling that this group of kids was chosen and how could they think, in a high security faculty that deals with viruses that they’d be able to get into a locked door that requires identification just by slipping past a worker? I feel something brewing. Like the workers knew they were supposed to allow this to happen or allow some breach to force them to be ‘carriers.’
Poor Shay, being put on the spot by Carson saying he trusted her decisions and then bringing them into that place. I’m looking forward to seeing how she handles the guilt of it. And what a way to end the chapter! That was definitely a good choice. It makes readers want to continue reading. Great job!
Commented on: March 15, 2014