Hearm jan | SparkaTale

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  • Joined 03/08/14
  • Last login 10/11/17
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  • Books Authored 16
  • Poems Authored 4
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  • Reviews 5
  • Comments 41
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  • Discussion Comments 5
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Hearm jan's Bio

Important notice: I won't be updating for awhile. Databasing has draining out my mental strength, and I've feared it can cause psychological errors to myself. Specially I've become so forgetful lately and my head suddenly feels heavy. So I must undergo myself to mental strengthening.
Maybe I'll be following this helpful tips, 
https://www.forbes.com/sites/groupthink/2013/12/03/5-powerful-exercises-to-increase-your-mental-strength/#479b1aee4cda

By the way, I would say thanks for David Boyce, and some people on the other sites for helping me improving my diction and understanding about deep in grammars.

David Boyce works are good thought. I had read two of his works. And I enjoy it. 

***

Note for ZM: I'm slowly updating the long novel for anyone who will just take a glance. Probably per week in GMT+8.
**9/13/2017 New Chapter: sp04 04 07, Hoven vs Jaino
**9/14/2017 Change "won't involve" to "will involve"
​No image release for inkitt yet, due to image text in the site is unreadable on phone.

Since I can't update frequently, why not listen to the songs that I like and currently I routinely play
By Dragon Force,

  • Through flame and fire
  • Fury of the Storm
  • Ashes of Dawn
  • My Spirit Will Go On
  • Black Winter Night
  • Cry Thunder
  • The Game
  • Heroes of Our Time
  • Operation Ground and Pound
  • Soldiers of the Wasteland
  • Three Hammers

 

Update 10/11/2017

 

Updated scenes pages – correction of some errors in text, from storyline to tips.

  • sp04 01 01, A New Day
  • sp04 01 02, To His Faith
  • sp04 01 03, Pursuant
  • sp04 01 04, First Taste
  • sp04 01 05, She Offers

 

Additional pages

  •   sp04 04 08, The GM's Choice

I try to use understandable words for my friends can read.

***

It's hard to find the books that I wanna read due to search engine isn't good -_-
If you wanna know my preference? I want something new.

I'm a reader, who loves reading, epic adventure tales with plenty of characters and full of lore, that are presented uniquely. 

-

Long->Long->Bio ;D 

I'm accepting review only on Zjjan Master :D 
Adventure, Fantasy, Mature...

Anyway, I don't need grammar review :D I'm crafting words that has a sense, okay? All people don't have the same IQ.
 

Note: I'm just a beginner ;D And I want to be a beginner; 
 
A writer's job need to focus writing that can and must attract many readers, and must correct his grammar.
However, a readers job that can't find a book he/she has been seeking must write the book he/she want.


 

Shaky Seedy Spicy Story-Spumy

is a compilation of my short stories, that I've tried to or just summarize(d)

I'm lazy to create a novel ;D because I love to read 

 

If anyone wants a review, be specific of what you need.

I'm poor at grammar 'cause I don't like reading a novel that follows all the rules of grammar

It can result to dry

But I love reading stories that are well presented and engaging. 

 

For adults' content below

Someone has asked me to write an erotica. If you want to read the work, search it on wattpad. 

'Accept me" by Hearm Jan
It currently contains three chapter, and I let it be, until someone asked me to write again or write another story. Don't worry, it's for free. But, if you want to offer improvements, I'll accept critiques.

Poems

0 0 0 114
Music of Words

0 0 0 140
The Mark

1 0 0 129
You and I

1 0 0 143
Village of Blame
Reviews
  • Zjjan Master

    Rating:
    Hello, I have read someone's review here. If you want to mention about readers, I'm sorry that this work is written if I can't find a book that I can read. I'm a reader of stories that contains 100k+200k+ words. And good books that related to what I like is very few. It means, I'm not looking for works that have plenty of reads or likes. I read what I like. By the way thanks for the review.

    Reviewed on: August 22, 2016

  • Loss

    Rating:
    This work, hook me down. I'm kind of speechless.

    Reviewed on: May 18, 2016

  • Lovers in Tokyo

    Rating:
    I like these lines. /** What was once lost Mother Earth will re-own I hope to see the old one thriving once more. **/

    Reviewed on: May 14, 2016

  • A Craving for Humanity

    Rating:
    This is a good poem. The last four lines, you've left it awkward.

    Reviewed on: May 7, 2016

  • Luna's Child

    Rating:
    You're dealing with thousands .. ...., .. ... .... to be come one. But a poem with atmosphere like this one is kinda my type to read. I prefer if you ........ .. .. what ...... you. This has a soul.

    Reviewed on: April 11, 2016

Comments
  • Surfing the Graviton Wave

    I find this work fine for me. Although I haven't finished the first chapter, I enjoy how it was written. Problems may be on the plot. Good luck to that. I be reading those five chapters on my spare time.

    Commented on: December 22, 2016

  • The Warmth of His Gaurdian

    Thanks,

    sorry about the shortest words count, it's actually a flash fiction with 100 words. I haven't finish writing my first novel so I can't really jump doing the other interesting things. :( I still need to learn many things.
     
    -Hearm Jan

    Commented on: June 24, 2016

  • I.Am.Aidan.Ianess

    Hi, again

    Although, I'm too poor on my knowledge. But, I hope, I may be able to point some for this. I won't site an example cause it's quite long. Maybe, you can search it out, some details related at my comment. 
     

    This time, I'll be correcting some problems of your dialog and how effective the tags. You have a quite long conversation on this chapter that the tags aren't good much of use. They'll hinder the momentum.

    First of all, don't use chuckle, laugh, hum as dialog tagsSome readers will try to do it, and they think, they are fooled.

    I said as genuinely... Good Job for creating this.

    One thing on creating a series of dialog tags.

    1. Know the number of people who will do the conversation.

        Two people: Cailen, Marie

            "Hi, I'm Marie how about you?"

            "I'm Judy, call me Ju for short."

            "Okay... so... we're now friends?"

        Three people: Cailen, Marie

            "Hi, I'm Marie how about you?"

            "I'm Judy, call me Ju for short."

            "Okay... so--"

             A man put a hand on Marie's shoulder. "Let me in." 

            "--we're now frie..."

     

     

    2. Vary the format

         "..." narration "..."

         narration "..."

         "..." narration 

         narration "..." narration "..."

    3. About the dictions of your characters, your readers can follow on it because you've wrote it authentically. .

    I hope this comments are helpful too.

    Commented on: May 18, 2016

  • Our Story

    Hello, I would like to know if my comments are just fine for you, or helpful. It's important for the commentator to avoid offense. You can PM me for that or comment. Critique is always for improvement.

    Using was seems isn't appropriate for this story.
    Nervously waiting for the news of his wife’s delivery, Michael Harmony paced back and front of the hospital door.

    You don't need to switch from plain third-person view to third-person limited for this story. Error: [She listened and tried and tried but soon her vision got blurry and spotty.] Just write how she had struggles as what you've seen with your eyes, I guess.

    Starting a good chapter is based from how many pages you'd already written, and how epic your work is. So, it's kind of rearranging. 

    Slice of life genre has their own flavor. So you've started it just fine. 

    -Hearm Jan

     

    Commented on: May 16, 2016

  • I.Am.Aidan.Ianess

    'Brake' is actually 'break'

    Commented on: May 14, 2016

  • I.Am.Aidan.Ianess

    I guess, I've reached where I must point out your problems. It's your PoV. This is base on my personal survey in the previous people that I'd asked to read some of my book; and my known ways of show don't tell.

    Having the genre, Sci-Fi, and with the cover of your book already give the details to the reader what he/she will be reading.

    Show don't tell in First Person PoV could be different if you're presenting a scene.

    One material is your eyes 
    Don't narrate that, I vanished. Instead write, like, I came back at the second dimension that the human couldn't see 

    Sense of hearing either sense of touch
    Choose one either sense of hearing either touch, for describing for this. I felt something brake.

    Wrong description with your PoV 
    intending to take me out Don't make reader, think that your character know what other characters will do. It's aiming at my shoulder like this instead. Unless, he's so skeptical, acting like an agent, investigator or etc.

    Other ways, may be you can explore it using your personal real-time First Person Perspective. You yourself.

    --//Happy Writings

    Hearm Jan

    Commented on: May 14, 2016

  • I.Am.Aidan.Ianess

    Hi, I really enjoy your work.

    About other making sense, well, you can't really judge how people will look at your work. Others prepare to get hook, others won't read due to it's written in ugly, others want to get relate, others want to just show it, entertain me with your story, and etc..

    'cause; some will look directly to the eight chapter without reading the prologue.

    But wanting I could say that, it's the readers' problems that a writer must simultaneously dealt with. And one thing that a writers are hoping for is, please reader, read each word if you want to get entertain

    And due to visual amusement or entertainment such as game, majority of the people always want fast and accurate; I'm speaking about vacant time they could have for fun. 

    That's where show don't tell, the only weapon for the writer.

    But most of the writer, will write what most of his/her audience will like, and those that sold out plenty. 

    --//Anyway, I hope you'll like my comments ;D

    -Hearm Jan


     

    Commented on: May 11, 2016

  • I.Am.Aidan.Ianess

    First of all, I hope you can understand my wordings.

    The reasons; other writers had told me that I'm writing in my Second Language; but, it's not. It's may be my third, fourth or fifth. And I'm trying to kill the narrator on my work ;D

    However, among the Languages I have, I can find plenty of detailed info on this Language.


    Your work is in detailed action already, nice going, and it's interesting.

    About the first person perspective. Actually, I've been trying to create a First Person and Third Person Game before; so I would say, I view your perspective on the Third Person Limited.

    Your only problem is; probably, on dangling and misplaced modifiers. And then, may be on comma splice.

    About writer's block, I hope, you've recovered already. Or maybe you can use this, some tips of mine:

    1. If you're writing on your comp, this is no good, your eyes will be pressured probably, and might be, this is the cause.

    2. I prefer if you'll write on the paper, or you'll edit on the paper. It's radiation free.

    3. Try using Dia.exe it's good on diagramming(use the database, don't use UML or etc for designing) if you'll learn how to use it. You can arrange the story's outlines more better. So, while writing on the paper, you can glance at the comp for the plot.

    Anyway, I can't really give any more detailed feedback. The reason is; I more specific to what feedback the writers are needed. So all I can say is, your work is already good. The third book probably, that I've read that focus on detailed action.


    Happy writings!

    -Hearm Jan

    Commented on: May 9, 2016

  • Because I love you

    **I've to apologize, early as possible, if I've written unnecessary and prejudice.


    **I would say, the story is good, however you've expressed it, still lacking. Although, I dislike contest, but I enjoy watching contest, but the voting is the only thing that I hate. Why not jury shall judge instead. 'cause, it needs and audience impact, also... 
    ...
    I forgot how to explain the other sorry.**


    **I don't know if I can help but since, I've read the Prologue 7k words, I must give comments, as far as I can reach->7k if possible instead, Opps, just kidding, I'm not a perfect person to do that; however, I'll give all blah blah blah, that may be you can pick up, for improvement on this piece of yours.**

    *ellipsis

    --//First of all, some people will criticize your ... be prepare to defend this.

    --// I have my personal purpose in using this ellipsis. First, for the character to pause sometimes when they speak; second, so reader can materialize some minimal art that I've created in their mind; and third, to just pause, out of the blue.

    *try to write the details before the dialogue

    --// this will warn your reader in my opinion. She runs, chasing him. "Give it back!" --//just analyze

    *about the narration

    --// try to let words speak instead, and don't use your personal voice as possible, but if there's no option then, just use your personal voice, however, let your words have a voice as possible.

    *First, atmosphere -

    -// you need to give every detail of the background that can create atmosphere; for example, everything runs slow through his head; what is this place, where am I. You can make the girl becomes more angelic if you ask me, if you narrate there background, As some leaves fall, float through her, and her smile has illuminated by the lights, and her shoulders that are brighten by the day...

    *Second, tone

    --//these are the spacing; arranging the words, sentences, and paragraphs; the series of rhyme, arranging the climax of the syllables of the constructed sentence, fragment, or word. Etc..  You can make words sing

    --//also, stories are read differently in different background, in hardcopy, in colored background, software copy, etc...

    *Be descriptive they say 

    --//use verbal phrase, use adjective phrase, all the phrases, although, I've adopted overusing gerund

    *About expressing the characters' feelings, so you can deliver them well

    --//Act them in first person perspective, then give the details through your third person narration, those feelings that you acted and intended for them, write them. Although, it can output a huge paragraphs, in just one action, all you need is to grab the heart of your reader.

    *About the dialogue conversations

    --//
        "Hey, Melly, long time no see." He laughs. 
        Still having some grudges with him, her lips curve down. "Che, I'm fine." She looks through the other way. She murmurs, "This idiot, you're an eyesore. Please, begone."
        "Ah-- huh? Did you say something?"

    --//you can't laugh as you speak

    --//also, some quotes say, "Actions are stronger than words." I know this can help you to create a romantic atmosphere. Adverbs and adjectives can support to it.

    **Sorry, seems I can't even reach 1k. I'm on the cafe as I write this, I can't plot the others  

    **After all, the story is good. There are lots of lacking that other wants you to explain them, I hope, it's on the chapters.

    Happy writings

    -Hearm Jan

     



     






     

    Commented on: April 29, 2016

  • Across the Sea

    Man, with your writings, you can make readers feel guilty. You're not just using one, your using multiple senses, as I'm trying to apply (it) in my writings. But what I can't make is making the readers feel at least guilty. That's what at least give readers a realization.

    All of this style of your writings are the principles of show don't tell.

    -Jan

     

    Commented on: April 25, 2016

  • The Gods Among Us

    This is really good. No other comment out there, a side from the punctuation of dialogue tags, 'cause I ignore tenses, I can understand sentences without tenses.
     
    "What happen!?" Due to 'what' - it's understandable the he is confused, so, you don't need to write this '?' just "What happen!" - 'cause it's obvious.

    Commented on: April 7, 2016

  • Miss Midnight

    Hello Miss Midnight,

          Anyway cool name for me, but in my country, (most) on the poorer to/and/or average IQ and/or Common Sense, they will not appreciate this; however, those who are reading books (mostly English), well-grown teenager-or-adults,  Otakus, or etc., will give you, "Nice name, it's fine, thumbs-up..."
         Though, if I'm tired, it's hard for me to understand guidelines, tutorial, and other books, excluding 'Story Book'.

        I won't explain anymore, just analyze.

        [all while uncovering...] remove->(all)

        [Chapter One: Miss Midnight's Magical Awakening] Won't you want to make the text bold?

        [, or maybe just Hillary Clinton,] Clinton should end at period? -> (Clinton.)

        [there were actually girls] Is it -> (they were)? I don't know either.

        [How do I know about witches] Is it 'Why', 'What', 'How did'?

        [That's easy.] -> (It's easy)? or (Well, because I myself became one.)

        (The sky was cloudy, a sickening slate-grey. The ocean surrounding me was read as blood, and the city was razed to ashes with every building knocked to the ground.)

        [to actually see this...] You need to reserved 'myself'. -> (to actually see this. Fear boiled in myself.) /* Put it to mind, not to over extend.*/

        Good job in the next paragraph!

       /* How strong joint of the knees you have :0 */

       [Pain shot up...] -> (ran up fast through)
       [foot hard...] -> (toes hard) /* intensifier, this give readers bunches of info */
     
        [I was siting in the huge, white-gloved palm of a gargantuan...] I have two comments for this: one, you'd become a third-person; two, you tried to compress the explanatory sentences of the event. /* Anyway, don't mind me, I'm not always following how, I/she/you rulings. I'm following where I could view my stories. */

       [my knees slamming the hard floor] (Are/were) or (slammed)?

       [instead felt, tiny]-> (felt, a tiny soft)

       ["La Reqconquista!"]->('La Req...')

       [But I won't believe that."] remove-> "

       The rest, I don't know what to commented, I'm overwhelmed. Splendid.
     
       Anyway good job. I took a glance at this once, but didn't continue in reading on this and other chapters, instead I just pressed the Fav Button.

        For your Rosette, I'm satisfied, seems like I don't need a new sequel for it or season.

        If you have questions, or something that I could point out, tell me. Just study how Suspense/Action/thrilling/tear-jerking/drama/other elements to applied in your new story.

        95-100, very good :)

        

     

     

    Commented on: September 25, 2015

  • X

    ==========
    Brain Power
    ==========

    Hello,

        Quite a puzzle right there, this could attract your readers to backtrack into chapter three. You can even use some of my previous comments for extending the mystery of this; even assist your reader, so they could understand the logic of your puzzle.
        Of course, since this is a novel, and your using Third-person Limited, try to make your readers solve also, by writing the feelings or thoughts of Jewel.
        
        Don’t just imitate how the flow of the conversation in a T.V., reality, and movie. They have sound effects, graphic effects, facial expression, visual text, or etc.
        And also don’t be afraid about the delayed of their conversation because you'd explained what you’re character did, senses’ prompt, and as well as the background. Those are tools to drown your reader inside the book.
        
        What’s on my mind about your settings is that, “What the — how did she reach an answer like that?”
        
        “3/9” to open the door is quite difficult to solve for their current situation. Let her, conclude any possible answer.

        No other hint that they could have find, rather than, “The numerator must equal to the Denominator.” Followed by, “If you’d fail this math or any other puzzles, you’ll die (instantly)…” Can cause; peculiarity, vexation, sometimes blame, panic, worry, curiosity, or etc.
        And your characters weren’t adopted at the situation. I requested if you could read, “Cage of Eden” or “The Lost World (If I remember, I'd a book of this when I was a Six-grade).” These as well give you some of your lacking.
        
        The dullness (In my investigation about the whole chapter three and chapter four) of the environment, as I explain at my very first comment, you could use Manhattan for nostalgic, even your room, and the lustful of her hand to touch her favorite keyboard. This is your winning point. Made them wait for people to participate, lost hope as possible, and expand this chapter into two or three chapters. It could become good.

        I wish you watched the first version of Hunter X Hunter, when they’d participate in Hunter X exam — at the tall tower.

        Create an awkward silent, the passing of hours while thinking can result starvation, do a laughable scene, nonsense topic, lost hope, conflicting arguments (while Levi trying to calm her), and give them the awaited persons.   

        Others, nah, you can explore it yourself.

        Here’s a situation,
    [
        Jake asked me the answer of one plus one. My problems is, if I’ll answer two, there is no equal on this question, and I’ll be bullied again with their intimidating offensive words. But, if I’ll reply eleven, my goodness, they’ll criticize me more, like a moron and narrowed-minded person.
        I have good grades, you know? — And a top five on my school in math.
        So, somebody please saved me…   
    ] /* My answer is remain silent. You can nod your head. If you could have a chance to stay away, that’s good. */

        I hope I’d help a little on this chapter.

     

    Commented on: August 13, 2015

  • X

    ===============
    Previous Comment’s
    Remarks
    ===============

    Forgive me, so you’re really using Third-person Limited here. Well, sorry that I asked you if you’re using Third-person Limited. I’m quite messed-up, since Third-person Objective, won’t reveal thoughts and feelings.
        
    As I said, this story needs a show don’t tell narrating. In my perspective, First-person is the good choice rather than using Third-person Limited, or play with Third-person Objective instead for this story.
    She’s quite the character, if you do, you can express her personality more.

    But, if you’ll stick at Third-Person Limited, give more detailed; actions, backgrounds, feelings, thoughts, and etc., which your reader could enjoy on reading (to build up the suspense); as possible; since, this is a Sci-fi, full of mysteries.

    ===========
    Forest of Death
    ===========
    /—
    Nice plot,
        Lack of describing for Jewel, I preferred if,
    [
        The moon shines bright that it was glistening off of the dew on the grass. — Rustles.
        Moaning — (characteristic of her body movements) and she opens her eyes, (let her feel the environment, you can even use mosquitoes, even how tingling the grass is for her, or let her stunned, and many other things).     
    ]
        
    Also, the background’s details are lacking, not so good.

    [put them in the moonlight] revised this.
    [A head poked through the door] this paragraph also.

    The suspense and mystery was created, but her curiosity isn’t at hundred percent.

    This Levi man is so mysterious for me.

    About Forest of Death, I can’t find even a bit of info inside this chapter.

    [Levi kept walking.] Anyway, it reminds me at the protagonist on the — I don’t know if the title was Fire Sword, I'm so forgetful right now. It made me smile.

    —/

    /* */

    Commented on: August 12, 2015

  • X

    /—

    *** I’ll give you a thumbs-up for some of the scenes around here.
        
    *** I won’t criticize your virus and the programmer; but, poor girl, being used to be as scapegoat… Good job, for creating the event!

    *** And for Michael, you made him, what he looks like. A lot of haters will criticizes him if you know what I mean.

    *** I won’t repeat this to any chapters; a lot of technical problems are floating everywhere. Be a little proficient, and show everything.
        Arrange the paragraphs to what you found it pleasing. Or try reading a Sci-fi book (must be your favorite), and study how it was narrated.

    —/

    ========
    Hanenbow
    ========

    /— from first to second paragraphs,
        
        The intro wasn’t in good placement.
         
    [/* I don’t know if this is a little bit informal. */

        Quietly walked out of the store, carrying her new Keyboard, Jewel thought as she walked to the car,
       Who the hell is this Zed guy, and why am I just now hearing about him? I know everyone… at least, everyone is important I find online, and Zed seems to be some sort of important person, why don’t I know about him?

    /* I don’t know if how she think is good, but try to analyze, maybe this still away to improved.
        Or you can add some detailed narration as background before you proceed at the event.
    */
    ]

    [For the letter, write it like this,

        She turned on her lamp for the light. “These definitely aren’t Instructions,” she said and she started reading.


    Dear Miss Fretz,

        I have received words that you are developing a virus, yet you don’t intend to even use it. That’s a wasted of potential if you ask me.

        I suggest that you unleash it. You’ll never know how good you are with computers unless you do.

        If you’re up to it, use the virus on this email address, z10@avylon.com.

        No caps, no spaces, no underscores. I promise that this will all be okay.


    Sincerely, Zed.

    ]

    —/

     

    Commented on: August 5, 2015

  • X

    I'm a little exited right now, so I just leave this comment, and the other one... I have something that I interested in, before I continue, maybe at Monday, I could resume.

    /—

        Oh, yeah, some of my comments messed up, even though it’s a no big deal.
        I hope you’re having a lot of editing right now.
        Are you using Third-Person Limited? If you say so, you must not write their thoughts, and feelings. Follow the words Show, Don’t Tell Policy.

        There are a lot of things that I wanted to write for this comment, but somehow, it won’t literalize in my mind. But I hope I did help out, even a little bit.

    —/

    =================
    Chapter One Extension
    =================

    /— Characters

    [At Michael,

       “Hey babe, good to see you finally come out of your room.” He said.

       /* I thought he was mature around here. But good for him to became persistent, impatient.
        Nice work on their annoying conversation.*/
    ]

    [At Jewel,    

        If she came out on her room, and head outside the house, let her cover her eyes, when she was exposed by the sunlight.

        I like her attitude, but for that kind of attitude survive at the league, she’s really smart.

        About the Virus —

    Good Luck! I hope you won’t mess up.

        But it’s not what I’m interest in. It’s on the Second Chapter.
        So this Chapter is still no good. I hope you analyze my first set of comments.

    ]

    [At Eleven,

        I already stated at my first previous comments.   

    ]

        /* you really need to renovate this book, technically. */

    —/

    Commented on: August 5, 2015

  • X

    Good day,

    Sorry, forgive my eyes, about that... the Michael error thing...

    Well, as I said, you could do what ever means to my comments, if you find it a "go" then, feel free.

    I'm still at the starting line, those are just my overview about the first chapter.

    Also give remarks to my comments, if there are still things I need to elaborate. And boundaries where I should not included, and must included.
     

    Commented on: August 4, 2015

  • X

        Hi,

        Before I went down to business, I hope you could review my Shaky Seedy Spicy Story-Spumy chapter four ‘Can’t Move On.’ I’m stuck, seems like I lack the ingredients that I needed. Maybe you could find some crucial problems that I’m trying to detect — before I continue counting the syllables and finalize it gradually.

        I also advice you to not update your work until I finished all the chapters, I’ll try to focus for this (this is not compulsory). I’m having a hard time about my series, so creating this feedback will give additional strength for my series. I know you are aware at my current problem. (Will both gain benefits from this, you gain feedbacks and I gain knowledge about my grammar and lacking.)

        Just tell me also where I should stop, but please don’t be offended. A head of my school once complained about my letter. So I hope you don’t mind the pitches.  

        I will give you — all I found that you’re currently needed as possible as I could.

        Of course, I suspended my current works, since I have plenty that I’m lacking. I also want to create a discussion on the club, but I’m worried if nobody will take part.

    ==========

    First of all, my way of rating is;

        65 – Need to improve.
        100 – Good.
        101 – Excellent.

    Of course, grammar is not included, as well as etc, if I found I’m not the right person for it.

    And this will be given if you allow me to, and after I read your (finalized) work.

    ==========

    Reminder, you have the authority about your story.

    All of my works, I give it sixty-five (except The Five S), but I enjoy watching the event many times in my mind.

    Please be aware, what I always believe, readers are always the jury, but inspiration is how you love your works, or etc. And etc… blah, blah, blah… I hate being to talkative.

    Actually, I never wish writing to become my profession. I just want to create those stories of mine and paint beauty with words or colors (even programs). So what I love is actually reading and watching arts and beauties.

    ==========

    Alright, rock ‘n roll to the world!

    ==========

        Chapter One, simulan na ang alamat (the legend in here it all begins),

        This chapter seems like a theater, T.V, Movie or Radio drama, or I mean a role-playing script.

    /—    

    *** [In Manhattan…] on this first paragraph, you can describe the young woman first before the room or vice versa… or never mind. Like,
        
        [In a (house, hotel, boardinghouse or etc) of (one of the five boroughs of the New York City named) Manhattan — inside of a dark room with escaped (adjective for the characteristic of the) light from the shadow of a young woman sitting in front of the computer, the gritted sounds from the keyboard were riming.]

        I don’t know if this is accurate, but what I felt for this story is a Show, don’t tell policy.

    *** Also, never neglect in giving info to your readers. If a player play a virtual game, they tend to explore the environment, and somehow thinks, “The f*ck, the road ends here.”
        Manhattan is a very important plot. You can use it to create such as nostalgic environment for Jewel if Miguel is now R.I.P. either Jewel is, or when they came back home after their adventure (recollection of their romance, or etc, or sent them boredom when they came back, and persistently asking for another adventure).
        Try to visit your elementary Alma Mater, if it was not boring. Glance where you and your friends were happily running, doing club activities, and etc…
        Or recall the feelings, when you were receiving the diploma on a stage.

    *** You could also give info by; maneuvering your narration, obvious (and vary the right pitches inside the) dialogue, or etc, that you seen fit.  
    [/* this is not mine, genre fantasy, age maybe B.C. from an RPG game that I played, and narrated what I did. */

        I went inside the newly renovated bar, what a nice beat of music, everyone were dancing wildly. I headed to where the sound is emitted, and the person said,
        “You’re experiencing the cool sound of DJ Macro Maxx!”    
        I’m shocked. “Uh, that’s a piano.”

    /* you’d perfect it on some dialogues, but the flow of direction of the paragraphs need editing. */
    ]

    —/    

    /—

    *** About the Dialogue Tags, try to use told, yelled, admitted, answered, exclaimed, etc, rather than abusing ‘said.’ It’ll result to tedium. Even the format of the paragraphs had caused the same.

    *** Please try. I hope this is a good drift.    
    [
        “Hey babe, good to see you finally came out from your room,” he said.
        She ran her fingers through her hair. “Shut up Michael, I need you to take me to the (name of the) store.”
        “What for?”
        “I need a new Keyboard, my current one is broken.”
        Michael turned off the television. “Again?”
        She leant (I don’t know if it’s leaned) at the door, (twiddling, or any characteristic of) her hand on the (adjective for the) door handle. “Yeah, the H key is stopped working.
        “And (what’s) the magic word?”
        “Now!” Jewel begged. /* just for describing since it was too vague for me to understood “Now.” */
    ]

    *** I hate how you introduce your character, the way I did to mine, so we’re both idiots. Maybe this is fine.
    [
        Her skinny fingers were fiercely tapping (or tipping) to any keys of the keyboards, while the sunken-eyed face of her is very serious whereas her corneas moved to and fro. Her name was Jewel.
        Her index finger stopped… pressing, pressed and pressed the H button. Violently knocking her fists into the table (or any of your preferable)! “God damn it! This stupid piece of junked!”
        She stormed out and came to a large room with a television; there was a lanky man with short black hair and brown eyes sitting on the couch. He is Miguel.
    ]

    *** Beware about their topic on the car until they stopped at their destination, I hope it shoot at the time limit. You can use narrating if you found out it failed.
        You can even add another conversation, after a little gap of silent. This will help you create a polished — ahem, ahem — Tsu-

        Let’s back to the topic, you can polished the attitude of both character and made it standout, and don’t forget to arrange the format of their paragraphs away to this word boring.
        Reader will always wanting the enjoyable novels, not hard to read. But in sci-fi with bunches of maturity, seems like a different story.
     
    *** About looked, glanced, and etc someone had corrected me that the right preposition for this is ‘at.’ I prepared you to use this also, looked at.
        /* gluLookAt(,,,) What a nostalgia. */

    *** I really don’t know if I’m right, either way, ‘!?’ seems like an exclaimed, so I prepare you to abuse this “!”

    *** [A kind voice] replace the kind with another adjective.

    *** [How do you know my name] add [What the — How do…] or any ways that describe an obvious surprised.

    *** [Eleven ran off while Jewel stood there dumbfounded.] Use walked off for this, since it could aware the securities around the area.

    *** Anyway, the above comments were just the representation of my thoughts. Just do whatever means you find for them.

    —/

    /—

    *** At Jewel
            I like how she spoke, like around here [I need a new Keyboard, my current one is broken.]
            Need more expressing on her attitude, so readers could love or hate her more (I mean not on her pitches, just add another topic inside the car if possible).
            /* don’t worry; I won’t create spoiler (or maybe a statement) about the problem on her keyboard. :D */  

    *** At Miguel
            He acted matured. Some words are needed to improvise so it would fit for him.
            Not buying Jewel’s favorite game and do running isn’t appropriate for him. Let him walked fast, and after he asked Jewel (her problems), let him surprised her. You decide how Jewel would react. And also how would Miguel respond at the received impact.
            Anyway, you are a nerd, so play using Logic, you still have time to study that I don’t.

    *** About Eleven
            His mysteriousness was around at tiny near the medium. Again need improvements on their conversation.

    *** The story seems good, but the suspense, I can’t find. Anyway, if you try to edit your work and the pace weren’t fall down to tedium (as possible attract the reader using your character’s attitude, reaction, abilities, and relationship, any means), the reader will focus on locating the approaching climax.  

        That means the reader will continue reading your work.

    —/

    ==========

        I didn’t know why I haven’t written the others, seems like, I need to ask some of your problems, question, remarks about this comments and the chapter.

    Commented on: August 4, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade

    Un-least <- I really having a hard time in creating words, maybe this it's "unless" that I'm trying to express.

    Commented on: July 11, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade

    [Tears bubbled in his eyes.] Anyway, change this to more manly, I mean a little bit specific, he'd already adopted at the situation easily. He’ll try to hide his feeling, and when both of you are alone, maybe he could express more about it. If you’ll surprisingly punch or slap his face, this can sometimes lose his control.

    [I had never seen him crying before] Change this to, like, [He was so manly (ha, ha, ha).] It’s awkward since, it was the first tearjerker moment for him that you’d seen, at least it was his third time and finally he cried.

    [WoL] you can use this to create more humor (ha, ha, ha).

    Awesome last paragraph!

    ===================

    My overall comments

    Don’t sweat this, It just my personal judgment.

    The only person I recognize whom who’d adopt the situation here is Serena. +10

    Riley’s strong hand didn’t last. He was collapsed by fear (Mo supak ko ani!! = I’ll opposed about this!! [Mo = will] [supak = opposed, against, chicken’s back] [ko = me] [ani = about this] -- so, don’t misinterpret this as “I’ll become chicken’s back by this”). My vegetable! +7.5 for him.

    Lucas! +8

    Koijiro! +10

    Zero! +5 Unsatisfying ending’s revelation, improvised this. Look he’s trying to eradicated humanity yet without even repaying your kindness. It’s humiliation. They came from royal blood. They should have a kind attitude and pride, or at least a promising exchange equal to what they'd committed.

    About you, you stayed the same. I can’t comment since this is true. I never did change, only my appearance. However, it's wrong to forget what Zero had done to your family, and the others.

    ===================

    About the plot, yes it’s abrupt. However it’s fine, why? You’re using first person here, who care what’s happening outside your country. The only person that can project everything about this is Koijiro. Un-least it's First Person Omniscient. You can somehow focus at Zero's aim.

    ===================

    I enjoy everything, of course you know about this, why? I’ll buy my 200ml soft drink. I’ll drink it slowly until I reach one hour.

    ===================

    About my genre, just analyze. When I’m searching manga, all of this were always blocked; Josie, sheinen ai, shoujo ai, shoujo, yaoi, yuri. I wonder why am I reading this work, huh? Each time I read a story with this genre, I’m always back-out on the second chapter. Like, Vampire Knights, Wolf Guy, or etc… Maybe I can't feel it. In Fushigi Yuugi, I last half-through on the overall seasons. Card Captor Sakura, last at full season one, however half-through at second season. So it's good that you hadn't focus too much in your feelings.

    / * * Factual-fantasy stories base on aliens (that I favorites) are; Guntz, transformers, and etc (my collections was corrupted)… * */ I hope you'd try reading Guntz.

    ===================

    Man, I'm hoping about Celibe, Diagla, or Jirachi :) At least 12 or 24 chapters :)

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Commented on: July 11, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade

        Rosette! — I'd really expecting this — (ha, ha, ha, ha) -> in eight times repetition.
        And this will become good if you'll use First Person Omniscient (Although it's a bit radio drama type ha, ha, ha), it can became more thrilling, knowing Riley became more worried about you. Anyway this is (very) good chapter.
        [“You think you’re so powerful……to ashes!”] -> Try to improvise this (it won’t fit for him). — Or try adding, like [His eyes narrowed] before this sentence, and twice this word [“Well”].
        Some elements here aren’t appropriate for your PoV.
        Seven to nine paragraphs before the ending of this chapter is a sorrowful action and thrill -> Good job about this. Though, other teens or kid will dislike about your father shouting his ultimate.
         My vegetables! One chapter left. -_-‘

    Commented on: July 3, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade

    This is so intriguing. Few more polishing on the overall run through will make this even more awesome. Since I'm still a beginner and my grammar is quite embarrassing, and my advise as a reader, try to eliminate those third person PoV descriptive sentences. If you take a rest from writing, and comeback after half months or one-year. Try reading this work of yours, it's great, yet you'll realize it can be improve, however create another story and apply those potential to make another more interesting stories.

    HA HA HA, [For some reason, she new exactly what to do] I approved about this, it happen to me, many times with my friends. But I wish Serena recommend it, and you did stop her, ha ha ha, giving Lucas a reasonable time to recover from his pain -- before you'll shout this magic words L.E.S., ha ha ha. I hope you'll read this piece when you reach your seventeen, you'll realize what I mean, it will boost the humor.

    I really don't know why I hate this word "suddenly." The only way that it made me pleased, was on this format. "She shouts suddenly"

    [Serena chimed] My bad she became intelligent, ha ha ha +1, I wished you lash her head.

    ["Tears for fears" +101] I felt like seven again.  
     
    [My hands wrapped up into fists] add this [and] and [I snapped] It became bored here, caused by recurring format.

    ["Oh, what anger!"] anyway I felt this is an exclaimed. Snickered seem like this ["Oh, what anger?"]

    [pretending to act surprised] <- another way to describe this? To avoid third person elements.

    Removed this [on that island]

    [Great Flood] Nice choice! The island seems related to Greek Legend if I could remember or not? Well its to vague to think about it, I'm still ten when I'm reading it. In DQVI they used Meteor, to sunk an island. But that island appeared in the dream world, because no matter  how I searched under the seabed, I can't find it.

    [All you do is destroy and fight amongst each other!] <- anyway improvised this more so it can standout, add more sentence that can deliver his feelings. A real villain (not those heartless) will let out all his agony to an appropriate person/place/time that he/she/they acknowledged.

    Huh, boy, Riley, ha ha ha. Be a cheater, Endure and do Reversal -- if you reason that his a psychic -- then use Dark Pulse ha ha ha.
     
    Two chapter left -_-' What should I do, I need another breather before I'll finish them.

    Commented on: June 29, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade

    Aw, you gave answer to my questions here quickly.

    ROSETTE, HA, HA, HA, HA, (If you, if you ha, ha, ha, show hesitation I would be laughing too hard) KOIJIRO, GOOD JOB!

    Anyway, I like this -> Eternity. I should really count this.

    Good job also for Serena, she was now acting as your... -- here.

    Envious is stronger than jealous for here.

    When you land à anyway, the emotion is loooooaading. I mean delay, a little bit. Even you’d paint it very well. Just test this. […around the small town.    We were speechless, all three of us.] Just try investigating.

    [A wave of…] It gave me chills, each time I read it.

    On this chapter, it made me paused, seems like you’re going to explode everything on the next chapter. (For the avid reader, it means, “this author will site lots of verbal foreshadowing”). So I better prepare myself.

    Commented on: June 25, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade

    Koijiro crossed his arm <- do you have another way to describe about this?

    -> This chapter fueled my desire to ask another chapter. Made me wondered, “Zero is toying with your team huh? Seems like Riley was brainwashed also huh? He seems pretending. Or Zero actually needed you?”

    Anyway, this is a good chapter. It has an ability to control your reader.

    Commented on: June 25, 2015

  • Project: Aphelion

    Now, now, now, <- Just fillers to bypass the minimum word limit.

    I like your narration, so soft.

    Commented on: June 25, 2015

  • My Teddy

    You know what? I had been searching every page in SaT a horror narrative that can inspire my next story. I'm easily affected right now since I drank two energy drink and 2 coffee, just so I can feel fear, so I could write my next chapter.

    Just arrange your paragraph, anyone will read this anyway. I'll comeback later and read this when I'm alone, in the dark.

    Commented on: June 24, 2015

  • Shaky Seedy Spicy Story-Spumy

    Thanks that you like it, I'm hoping to finish a first ten, fifteen or twenty chapter for this. Before I could finish looking for some materials. I hope you could feel horror in my next chapter.

    Commented on: June 23, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade: Rhapsody in Roses

    Good job, on this chapter -> yet it had a great potential to become the most thrilling chapter I read so far. You just miss the chance here. Thought I don’t usually apply it in my works (I can’t survive writing those thousands of word) so I’m looking for reason that the potential will be hidden and won’t standout. Maybe if I gathered all the material I need, I could finally paint my series.

    I would say, Lucas good job!

    Your tears were wasted here, you severed those chills.

    I’ll hope you’ll get my point, so you can boost your other works.

    When your father shove you <- Don’t fight back -- do a medium or long (not boring, do tearjerker) recollection -- if he do the strike, smile with tears, let someone do the heroic yet don’t defeat him quickly instead make him rampage -- let some of your teammates suffered in saving you -- then hug him, yell his name and cry much more, let him realize and runaway -- though, it’s mainstream.

     

    Commented on: June 23, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade

    Huh, huh, huh, Riley, what happen to you? You're my best Fighter Type. T_T Why did you collapsed?

    Against the eyes, smoke are more unfriendly than the glowing amber.

     "I had already drifted off into the deep sea of sleep." (You can even remove this or replace it, since you didn't actually realized you were on the state of sleep)

    "Just then, the door creaked open, and Lucas and Serena stumbled in."
    Is Lucas and Serena encountered by chance? or it was actually Riley alongside Serena?

    I'm also confused about this "?!" but I think this "!" Will give the same result. "?!" = "!"

    Anyway try to make Zero a bad*ss. Edit his dialogue, like.      "Soon enough, you'll figure it out. And speaking of which. I have someone who's been dying to meet you. Now, let the game begin."

    Lucas, what happen? XD I'm better dead than to (even just a single, I would never) poke you.

     

    Commented on: June 20, 2015

  • With Gods and Men

    Chapter One,

        Since, I'm just slacking right now, so I tried to locates some evils in your first chapter that can cause ambiguities, this is all that I could suggested, the paragraph below. Next week, is chapter two, finally I can comeback to :) searching a thing to read.

        Give comments to others, makes me realized my own fault so please just allow me. :I
    In the end, it’s your choice since it’s your story. What I wanted is to only read, and the reasoned is? You can peruse it in my bio. It’s rarely to find stories like this that grabbed my attention.

        Please don’t criticize my grammar too harsh T_T, just correct my errors. It’s your story’s fault for dragging me inside! I’m still studying hard.

    [He skids through the rough, scorching sands the very moment the raging waters came into his sight.] Composed of two sentences, this is fine. “Very” is no good since he had braked, if you'll invert those sentences, “very” is useful. “He skids through” -> “skid” has lots of meaning, plus your subjects is a “he” so it’s too vague, because you used this “stench of iron” after he had braked. This “raging” is a good adjective but “waters” is too vague; it can’t describe the number of sea’s waves.

    How about this, [“The”+ (any kind of sound effects) + (any kinds of linking verb for predicate) + (any kind of Intensifying description for the subject) + (any kind of your sentence’s separator styles), because “stench of iron” will confused the reader] either [Use an onomatopoeia three times either metaphors or Simile, that will describes his motion that he was actually running, not riding] and [“The very moment the raging waves of water came into his sight, he skids through the rough and scorching sands.”] <- What a good intro!

    “Suddenly” for me is not good for Past Tense or attribute to adverb and adjective, if you had any other use it.    In “with the stench of iron” how about “by” instead of “with” or your choice, however if you have any, that’s good.      At the “, the pungent odor were tiny needles into his nose” -- Having a comma before “the” it’s seemed not good, whereas using “as” instead; example “iron as its pungent… etc.” Just test it.     In “odor were” is this fine? I’m not good in predicating those quantitative nouns.  Before “tiny” won’t you like to add “likely” or any other adverb?     After the “nose” don’t use semicolon, instead of dot.    What about this? “His heels dug deep so he could brake… (Put a wide white space if it’s applicable XD) However it failed.”   On “It was freezing” you can add “so” or other intensifying adverb to “freezing”    And after “despite” add “of”    Also after the “sun” use dot instead, either semicolon rather than comma.   “Still” is just good in continuous verb’s tenses or many adjectives like “placid” or etc.  The “grabs” and “wraps” change it to “grabbing” and “wrapping” and change the sentence.

    Remove the word “He unclenched.” <- This is destructing the trill.  Or “As he unclenched it, --blah, blah, blah, -- but the pain itself… etc.”    After “he clenched it again” use comma, and instead of “Harder” use “harder and harder. This time, … etc”    “Scream in agony” nice words, how lovely!   In “Stabbing pain” do you have any adjective in exchange about this “stabbing”?   This “a rib was broken” I felt this words!

    “Another splash (add this [from behind]) hits him hard” is fine, and remove “on his back”   In “pressing it tightly” the “it” change it to “them” since you already used “themselves”

    I’ll advice you to arrange your paragraph so it can flow it well; example, [The Mountain. An ominous hulk… etc.] This is for a new paragraph.  Also, don’t you want to add, “He remembers…” before “The Mountain” Because, I’m confused if he’s reminiscing or if it’s happening now? If this paragraph is currently happening then the owner of this hand “His hands found themselves on his face” is the Mountain. Well, if you really intent some of this to be vague, just ignore this.

    [Run away, you stupid, bloody idiot! Just run away and never come back!  He thought to himself.] How about, “his will scolded or begged to himself”.

    In “try to live a normal life” hmn… I don’t know if this is good.

    The action and trill is fine. "I'll freak you out." You did it to me. Try to imagine, you’re pulling out your nail in your finger slowly. XD I did try twice; one in my hand, and the other on my foot.    

    For “bounce off his chest” to “(just) bounce off on (or any other prepositions) the Mountain’s chest”

    Still, the rest have errors, but it’s not as vague as the others, I can’t really wait the other chapters. XD

    Man, it’s really trilling. :I

     

     

    Commented on: June 18, 2015

  • With Gods and Men

    Forgive me about the, typos, I'm still no good as you clearly see.

    I hope, my eyes won't grow weary!

    Commented on: June 18, 2015

  • With Gods and Men

         Sure, if you say so, but, of course, I will analyze it to the extent of my ability. Maybe one weak per chapter, I will comment those suggestion though. But don't trust me too much, because its story, as you could see, and its your choices if you followed or acknowledge it.

        I hope this can be come as (or more) amazing as (than) Radiant Historia.

         However, just treat me as a fan. I will just site, what I could see in your story, you miss to described, and what's better, based on my own perspective. I'll try to visualize your story to my mind.

         Your grammar is your own jurisdiction. XD I can't even correct myself about that.

        Man, I can't really wait those other chapters. :I

       

    Commented on: June 18, 2015

  • With Gods and Men

    Good job in creating the intro, Let me remember how I want to peel my skin :)
    How I've been slowly aligned my dislocated -- I don't know if it's a joint or some bone, it just some part under my knee. I have lots of foolish act I done before, but seeing you writing it, it's making me feel it again.
    I like your objectives. "I will freak you out." That's awesome and interesting.
    Go ahead and release It all, I want to read more.

    Thought I won't comment those vague description, cause you can able to find it with your ability, and your much better than me. 

    Can wait to read more.


     

    Commented on: June 17, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade

    Lucas was a quite bright huh? But for your voice (or pitch) didn’t change, was quite interesting (maybe it’s your personality). Children were quite mysterious and pure, huh?

    Why hadn’t you add “Quiver Dance” for buff! This question was my personal affairs. (Be a cheater ha, ha, ha. Joke! )

    I like that Cyrus, his strength came forth chill above my back.

    For you to kiss Riley like that, love at first sight (this is true! It just, you lack in expressing it in first chapter maybe, in my own perspective), huh? For his reaction about that it’s seventy-five Percent. I know he was confused (plus five).

    In my ideas, if you kiss a man and he had an affection in (“to” or “at” or any kind of preposition, I don’t know anymore) you. It would be “cold to his lips.” He will divert (flustered) to any kinds of topic, or will ask, “What was that?”

    Unless, Serena will exclaim (she will felt a little jealous yet happy for you), “Ahem, Ahem.” (Additionally) Riley will blush (ha, ha, ha, if he’s not wise enough, I don’t know what will happen) after, that would be ninety percent plus.

    /**
    Some spoilers, ha, ha, ha (I don’t know if everyone was like this, my situation was childhood’s matter): If a man is trying to score on a lady (Only if his real intentions was to be l*v*! And he really meant it!).

    Lady’s reaction = what a man felt or the Man’s thoughts.

    She gave her info = I have a chance
    Over friendly = exaggeratedly, this must be it
    Hey, where are you? Please come, let’s talk = I don’t know anymore, are we really just friends or we’re lovers
    She received a confession, yet didn’t replied, awkward in each day that had passed (Unlike those other ladies who are straight minded or etc) = Heartbroken, mind was (or is) weary, wanting to evaporate (others would be, frequently ask for reply, will continue begging or etc).
    And etc.

    My advice is, make some of your characters with unique alternation of their personalities (or take notes), while you're on going in writings, and grade any punchline or reactions, though I’m just speaking as a reader.
    Examples (sadly, most of my ideas were always like this): “65% Violent -> 20% Jealousy -> 10% fragile -> 5% Neutral and vice versa” and for he/she had value “Position, and/or etc.”
    For violent include, “To be feared”
    For jealousy include, “All your attentions should and must be in me only”
    For fragile include, “A best friends or his/you/my/etc parents being m*rd*r/d*e/etc”
    For neutral include, “Selfish”
    But don’t express this or etc with words. Use similes, metaphors, verbally, or the way they appreciated or  reacted in their surroundings.
    Being a native can sometimes inherit or adopted dominated personalities, most in my family is “always has reasoning and/or reminiscent in any conversation <- forgive me if I couldn’t think of any words to described it.”

    **/

    “He stood silently” was fine.

    The verdant trees of the forest rushed at us (maybe it should be “me”) faster and faster.

    As we fell (Around here, it should be “I”). In my ideas, that kind of struggle s in the First Person POV won’t allow you to notice the others. Well, but, since your story was already happen, I don’t know if you ask me. If your sense of hearing will object to my comments, then (as possible) try not to explain some that happen to them, until (after) you all will reach the ground, only what you did heard.

    My opinion is -> this will make your reader surprised, to know that Serena and Riley still nearby.  

    A quite adventure is still picking my interest, seem credible than being played in the streaming screen.

    I hope my head won’t explode in my self’s study, so I can still read some good stories.

    Anyway your “Main subject (or topic) was quite interesting.”

    In my comment about the first chapter, on the second paragraph where “Ten billion years” included. Was that applicable? I really need to know, for my #3 series’ poetic narrative.

     

    Commented on: June 15, 2015

  • Rosette Masquerade

        As I said once again, I'll comment as a reader, I more value life, so, I have my own perspective. I'm still no good to this Language, just remember your "Author's Authority."
        So, maybe reading someone's work, here, will make me better (I hate bitter but I love Bitter Melon).


        Hey Rosette,

        You're using lots of Past Perfect Tense, why! Anyway it's awesome, this will help me somehow!

        First paragraph is a Third Person POV so, After the "The Lights Descend", I recommend two or four vertical space, that would be "Press enter twice or more in your keyboard." And after that paragraph, another two or maybe three vertical space.    In other words, keep it distance to your First Person POV.

        Ten billion years ago, in (I prefer "after") a cataclysmic explosion, our universe was created. [I don't know but if this is allowed, try asking someone, "Ten billions years ago," this will make your setting appears into the past, you can dramatize the event that it's happening by now by, "Our universe is created." If they’ll trash this, then ignore this, I need to learn also]

        For "created" I don't know it's a good adjective, but if you have any just try using it.

        What is or are (or were <- I'm still confuse about this) the cause of explosion? If it's because that the universe was exploded then why not say, "A new universe was(is) created." If you're referring on Big Bang Theory. But if the sentence has a connection to other chapter, don’t change it.

        [If I misapprehend primitive, then ignore this paragraph] Why just "primitive"? Why not add "to(into) different kinds(or forms) of" or any other words that can describe about it, so galaxies wouldn't be just an Identical or so it could be recognize as many forms.

        For you to know, I love Heavenly Body (Bodies), but I hate constellation.

        You mention "stairs" why not "stairway or staircase"? I was confused since this is my... you already know. I thought your house is three or more story.

        Seventeen years old, I'm jealous, you could drive with license.

        Quite a bad *ss girl, I like you for searching for a man to dance, than waiting.

        Seven years younger, wow! How durable he is, to endure a liquor!

        "Oh, yeah?" I scoffed. "Did you pay for it?" [ At (either "in" or any, I don't know how to start) the shot glass (let this stand out) Lucas poured some strange brown liquid and he gives(or gave) it to me   -> “because he replied!” (I don't know the rules of First Person POV). And attach this, "Drink this," Lucas (The liquor has took effect already) said.]

        The paragraph above plus this next comment,

        [If your rebellious-attitude was not for Lucas, why not, "Even though  (for “I was a little rebellious” would refer for him, that's what I felt. use, "I was also a rebellious") | there was (is) no way I would drink alcohol! (Or, I would never (really or other adverb to intensify) drink alcohol!) |"]  I wish it could be highlight.

        Will result for a Moral Lesson.

        [She’s loud, over-energized, and a bit of a klutz, but I still love her. (This is not satisfying for Riley to laugh, how about a little mean, “And (or an even more rude, "that’s why" ) | I never love her.” Since you’re a bad*ss)]

        Riley began to laugh. “Really?” he asked. “I hadn’t noticed! (to -- noticed (too. -- I hope this won’t become a pro-form, or if it's "to" then go ahead, I still have plenty to learn.))”

        The rest, makes me thrilled or (making me thrill, I don’t know how to write it either).

        You're good about (I would say, based from traditional) aliens.

        I like your attitude, "Quite a bad*ss!" This allows me to make you my favorite character here and continue reading this story.

        I’m watching about Riley’s hand, if it’s really strong. Let your father grab your wrist, this would categorized him. There are (is) also many situations that strong hand won’t grab you, than the lighter one will hold your wrist more tightly. So in other words, heaven will grant you in mysterious way.

        You’re writing Shoujo, so I hope this would help your idea.

        Describing, “As (when) a strong yet gentle hand” = “He overpowered you? and he’s a lazy?” That's what I feel. You’re a bad girl.
        If this will gripped your shoulder, it will just attract your attention, but not your feelings, maybe. Why? Since you’re a bad*ss.

        Let’s try, “As (when) a heavy yet soft hand (gently) gripped my shoulder (gently)” = I think this will fit, somehow for what you wanted.

        How about this, “As (when) a so heavy (or any adverbs and/or adjectives that can satisfy you as a girl) hand whereas rough-and-thick-skinned palm” = I can’t describe.
        If this will gripped your shoulder, you’ll freak (plus if its temperature was (is) cold it will be -- pass) out (horror) either felt awkward (?) or you’ll (going to) lose your mind (if you have a feeling about that person).

        If you know about “friction, related to human body, -- warning maybe it contain adult related topics.” Try venturing a little deeper about it. I haven’t tried either, maybe you could find any materials.

        Characteristic will also make a difference.  

        My comments are my own ideas (I don’t care what other might say) and I treat everyone as the same age as mine.

        Though, I’m not good as everyone, but If you could find some question that I can (able to) reply, feel free to ask. Two hours staying to this site, looking for story that complement my needs, will give me some times to download a page(s).
     
        I'll read the next chapter later, maybe two days after...

        I like this story...

    Commented on: June 11, 2015

  • The Sea Angel

    I hate my cat. She climbs and unintentionally switches off the safety breaker, so it’s my twice writing this comment.

     

    Hey Marina,

        I hate that cover. It won't attract customers. The content is so good that it’s begging for a new one (sorry if I could go offense for this, I'm trying to edit everything).
        I don't like people who are telling others, "Don't judge the book by its cover."
        I prefer if you could put Marina and Azure -- on their Clione's form -- into the middle, holding hands, glowing of energy around their body, while they're heading to that furious Ryujin silhouetted against the towering wave.
        The background must be; the sky is in darkness filled with flashing lightnings and (deafening) thunders, whereas torrential rain is continuously pouring.
        Or otherwise, when Marina was in the beach, lying there, arm is stretching for she wanted to reach the ghost of Azure, who's smiling back at her.
        The background must be, the clear blue sky, and the sun is shimmering in the first person POV.
        Either in the third person POV, added this, whereas while the sea is repeatedly reaching onto her legs.

        I'll comment as a reader for now, why? I haven't even finished some of my works. And I of course, I'm no good to be called a writer, at least that is what the judgment of my will. Lots of things that I’ll still need to know (I don’t care what other might says about my comment).

       Time flow (or scale) is a plot for a Movie, escalating events makes me thrill, plus? Lots of paragraphs giving me a good vibes (I thought you're creating another Finding Nemo). Actions inside is actually good, it maintains the rhythm of the intensity of the current event (setting Ryujin in the front after they woke up, it was an act of mysterious way, "Our World is really small").

        For you to know, what kind of story that I'm quite fun is namely; Guntz, The Three Kingdoms, Raiders of the Storm (all of the series), and etc (correct me for my misspelling or revising the titles).

        
        Words are first class for me, why? I'm still learning English. Actually, even those who are below in knowledge than me won't be bored in reading this s, that's what my perspective says (if they won’t hesitate, and I hope).

        I hope Phiona the seer will; first, she predicted the incoming storm; second, she saw her son beside to another Clione where the emitting image of ghostly Marina staring at the dangerous hurricane. At least the word “pure” is now expressed verbally.

        My own perspective about “pure” (I don’t know if it’s written into the dictionaries, maybe because it’s my third language that I could say this), It’s what makes you the real you, human is too fragile about their will (I wanted to site a reality example but it makes this comment longer to finish in reading).
        I somehow view your narration -- the way you describes everything still makes me -- as a third person (by using “I.” At least you’re making me the main protagonist by using “You”).
        “You jolted out of half-sleep and tumbled out of bed, frantically scanning around your near pitch-black room. That must’ve been some nightmare. Toys bookshelves and stuffed animals bombarded you at every angle, but everything seemed otherwise normal.”
        Thanks for letting me read your work. I like it too much that’s why I hate that cover!
        The writing is so good, I can understand everything.
        Well I can’t create good cover for my works for I don’t know what my readers might feel or if the native could understand my sentences and grammars well (Oh my, lots of grammatical errors, I’m having a hard time in reviewing English).
        About the genre, it should be, “Action->Fantasy->Adventure or Fantasy->Action->Adventure” for me.
        I hate you for not exploding their “**w*r.”
        Thank you very much for letting me (download for me) to read, I enjoy it.

    Commented on: June 9, 2015

  • Midnight Bite

    Man this is so good :)

        When I start reading; what makes him sleep with one eyed open is, stress of the work, am I right?

        Second do he drink a lot of coffee, energy drink, and get addict to a drugs? I tried playing horror games at night but before, I take 3 cup of coffee 4 energy drink while playing and I feel the game... So cool thought, even its dangerous...

    Nice work, I looking forward for the others.

    Commented on: May 11, 2015

  • Zjjan Master

    I'm fine whenever you want, I don't want to be a pushy here since I'm just a beginner; I also tried to proofread my work -- and man I thought I fallen to a heatstroke, my head so hot.

    In addition I tried to meditated in order to site the plot where they live and where the event held. Also I try to draws their geographical area and man the back of my head is going to burn... and also I found out Kilie office name is "Pawn Star Shoppe" It should be related to debt collector work -- and I got laughed and feel like an Idiot.

    Arranging the work before going on is I found quite difficult in this literacy huh?

    Can you site what chapter and scene you've having a hard time, also where you feel like laughing, and where lots word of error.

    I also want to edit it myself. You already help me too much, I don't know how to payoff I quite ashamed to myself also. Thank you very much, I'm sincerely apologize for my clumsiness...

    My habit is let the body do the move... :(

    Commented on: May 11, 2015

  • Zjjan Master

    First is redundant, second is over extended, and my biggest problem is to identify tenses, or maybe there still another.

    I'll try to clarify chapter one this night or later.

    Forgive me for not posting some of the chapter that I reviewed, I'm still looking for someone to read and grade every paragraph I written; a friend of mine I supposed if they will.

    Actually, I want to know about the humor if they can be the main highlight inside to this story before adding some scene. After then I'll emphasize, elaborate and will review any error to every text I written.

    Humor is the most critical that will shape some of my biggest character here. I'll really wanted them to be express well.

    I hope you can point me where it is less or not important and where it is need the most.

    Actual is the most easiest way for me to realizes fault and lack; I can't find any another ways.

    But of course thanks for making me realize some fault.

    I hope you can enjoy some chapter of it.

    Commented on: May 9, 2015

  • The Legacy

    Thanks for the comment.
    Its my third languages, and the most easiest I have.

    Well then I gonna work for it.
     

    Commented on: March 10, 2014