Sparkatale

Thank you so much for the feedback, that was very helpful! I will try my best to improve the characters further. I've read the story so many times that after a whole what's in your head get's jumbled up with what's on paper/laptop screen. 

I'll try to fix the setting too, to make it clearer. Again, Thank you very much for the honest feedback!

~MF~

Hey, loved the chapter. Just thought I'd point out two spelling mistakes I found:

1. seven too eight, 2. time argues about

Some commas were missing (I think i tend to put too many in so my beta's tend to remove them for me).

But the story itself keeps the reader interested. :D

~MF~

Haha, he did initially. I think one of my betas suggested that I remove it for some peculiar reason I don't recall anymore. 3 drafts took so long that I wanted to cry.

~MF~

Hey, I know what it's like not to get feedback, but I think good or bad feedback is great. Your writing style is interesting, it feels very natural. I think in the first paragraph you may overuse a few words (I think unknowingly we all end up doing it sometimes).

Personally, I haven't written a first person story before, although I have read a ton. (This is basically a personal way of thinking here) I believe you may be going too much into the lead characters description which leaves little to the imagination - again, personal opinion - loads of people prefer it this way. 

~MF~