Hannah .. | SparkaTale


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  • Joined 08/10/13
  • Last login 08/14/13
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  • Frost Dystopia

    You should only add characters if they add something to the story. Adding character's just for the hec of it is never good. If you feel that Frost and T1 accomplish what you want, then keep it just them. If you feel like you need another character to accomplish what you want, them add one. It's your choice, but don't just add people. If you randomly decide to make a million characters, chances are they will be flat and pointless. Hope that helped!

    Commented on: August 14, 2013

  • Frost Dystopia

    So I thought this was a pretty good setup. I like how you stated there was a computer that recorded everything Frost did. So I'm guessing that the third person is the computer observing Frost? If that's the case, you should tighten up your narrative a bit, and make it more emotionless. Computers aren't known for having emotions or if they do, they don't understand them that well. Unless your computer is different, I haven't met it yet so I don't know. I like your summary a lot too. It tells me exactly what the story is about, but also makes me want to read more. What I would prefer, is not having a summary embedded into the story. You could take it out of the beginning of the first chapter and be perfectly fine. If you're using your summary as a hook, you might want to write a different hook for the actual story. I like Frost as a character too. She seems very capable and smart. But I don't know much about her yet. So far, she's just a girl with survival skills and compasses. Judging by your writing level, I'm definitely sure that you'll flesh her out, you just haven't done that yet. Overall pretty good. You manage to show more than you tell, and you've created interest with the computer/black boxes. Good job and happy writing!

    Commented on: August 10, 2013