Sparkatale

Good concept! I have a few purely mechanical notes, which is: there are a lot of "being" verbs - is, was, were, are, had been, will be - and a lot of the time, those aren't necessary. "The people were thriving" can become, "The people thrived," that easily. My other comment is, the first few paragraphs sound more like lore - you know, the kind of thing a character might tell another. Not that it's not interesting, it's just that the stakes are so low, you know? If we heard about a specific villager going through all these things, we might genuinely worry about whether or not he or she will make it through. What's coming for him/her? Then we get the legendary history of the story. This high-archaic style of writing is popular among some, but you might consider turning this history into dialogue, if at all possible. Think of the last time you asked your history teacher about, I don't know, the Hindenburg disaster. History tells itself in small conversations. Anyway, like I said, very interesting concept, and I particularly like your made-up names! Good luck on chapter 2. :)

Skye Collins | November 19, 2013

Yea, I get the "being" verbs thing. It's something I've been trying to rid myself from. The beginning chapter is supposed to be lore as I will introduce the protagonist in the next chapter, so I guess I accomplished what I meant to do?

N/A N/A | November 19, 2013