A bolt of lightning flashed between the distant trees, vivid white and blinding. To 481’s surprise, the horses did not startle. Instead, they trotted steadily onwards through the thundering rain, barely making a sound. The Gifted man shivered, drawing his grey, fur-lined cloak closer to his body with his left hand, gripping the reins as tightly as he could with his right. With every step his mare took, he felt his grip slipping. His fingers had never been the same since an assignment three years ago, when his right hand and wrist had been shattered by the blow of a rebel’s club.
I can’t let them see my weakness. The Leader herself chose me for this mission. If I do well, she may even recommend me for the Council. I don’t want her to see me as just a damn cripple.
“Shouldn’t we stop and find cover?” 373 called. 481 glanced to the left where his companion rode beside him. The younger man was sitting tall in his saddle despite the droplets trickling down his face, his eyebrows raised and his lips curved into a bemused smile. His question was directed at the Leader, who rode in front of them on a large bay gelding.
“No,” she said, turning when she spoke. She wore a long cloak similar to 481’s but hers was deep black and edged with gold. Her stark grey eyes narrowed, shadowed by her hood. “We ride on until we reach the village.”
373 bowed his head and touched his fist to his chest. When the Leader was facing forward again, he glanced at 481 and rolled his eyes.
“She’s been Leader for what, two months?” he said under his breath. “I’ve been leading expeditions for fifteen years. It’s not like we’re chasing after rebels, we’re just going to arrest some old village woman. It can wait until tomorrow morning, surely. If we keep going the horses will tire. They’ll stumble and fall.”
481 shrugged, glancing nervously at the Leader. I can’t let her hear any doubts. “I’m sure the Leader has her reasons,” he said evenly. He shivered, resisting the urge to chatter his teeth. “Maybe this woman is a rebel, or something else, I don’t know. There are known rebel groups in the south.”
“If that were the case, she would’ve told me at the very least,” said 373. He sat up straighter, adjusting the reins. “I’m in the Council now. We are privy to such information.”
You’re an up-jumped pretender. You’ve never fought in a real battle in your life, but somehow you managed to convince the Head Councilman to promote you. 481 gritted his teeth, clenching his injured fist as tightly as he could. It was he who should have had that position, he who should be wearing a black uniform. Instead, he was stuck with grey while a younger, vainer man took his place. His only hope now was that the Leader took a shine to him and recommended he be promoted. She could not appoint Council members herself, but 481 assumed the Head Councilman took her advice into account.
“What do you think?” 373 continued, oblivious. He raised his eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at the fourth member of their party, who rode steadily behind them on a dappled grey mare.
“It’s not our place to question the Leader,” the woman said quietly, her voice almost inaudible through the rain. They had set off from the fortress together at dawn, but in the twelve hours since 481 had yet to hear her speak. He knew her number, 571, from the mission briefing the Head Councilman had given him prior to their journey. She wore a grey uniform like him, but the dark green lining of her cloak and sleeves and the emerald encrusted timepiece hanging from her belt indicated she had the Gift of Earth.
“Fine,” said 373 shortly, rolling his eyes. He lowered his voice. “Don’t act like the two of you aren’t thinking the same thing.”
481 cleared his throat, shifting in his saddle. He glanced at the Leader, but she rode onward, with no change in her body language to suggest she had heard anything.
I’m not questioning her. She is our Leader now, and I must do as she asks. But… it is unusual, he’s right in that.
Leaders rarely travelled the Island, especially not for a mission that could be easily handled by even the most inexperienced of Gifted. The Head Councilman had read the mission briefing to 481 before he left the Fortress - they were to capture a certain village woman alive and bring her back for questioning. 481 had no idea what knowledge she had that could possibly be useful to the Leader and the Council. That information was classified, which he understood well enough. As an ordinary Gifted soldier, it wasn’t his place to question his orders. But the Head Councilman had shown him a sketch of their target too. She was a small, frail looking woman in her sixties with long white hair tied in a braid, barely indistinguishable from any other nonGifted villager. She would never be able to overpower a single fully trained Gifted, let alone four, so why the Leader felt she had to lead the mission herself was a mystery. Perhaps there was something else about this woman that made her capture vital. Or perhaps the Leader simply wanted to prove herself to the Gifted and her Council. Leaders served for life, but she was newly appointed and young. Her predecessor had been a strong, stable man, guiding both the Gifted and nonGifted for almost fifty years. Many in the Fortress, including 481 himself, had doubts over whether this young, unblooded woman could fill his shoes.
Lost in thought, 481 and his companions spent the rest of the journey in silence. They rode for an hour more, following the winding forest road south until it met the Great River. From there, it was only a short journey along the riverbank to Town 13, the farming village where their target was supposedly hiding. When they finally arrived it was well past sunset, and the rain had slowed to a steady drizzle.
“At last,” 373 said, yawning loudly as they followed a dirt path between two large, grassy fields. They were heading for a cluster of redbrick buildings visible at the bottom of the hill, where the river met the sea. “What are the headquarters like in these farming villages? I haven’t stayed in one for years. Are there decent beds? They have thralls, right –“
“We won’t be stopping yet,” the Leader interrupted from up ahead. “We will find the target and capture her, exchange our horses, then make our way back to the Fortress.”
“But that’ll take all night,” 373 protested, sitting up straighter in his saddle and puffing out his chest. “Sir, I know this mission is crucial to you, but if we ride all through the night we will only be tired and might make mistakes. She may overpower and escape us. We should stop and rest now, then in the morning –“
“If we stop to rest, she may hear of our arrival and run,” the Leader said. She turned to face her subordinates, her eyebrows narrowing. “I’m surprised you’re causing so much fuss. If you are truly Gifted, one sleepless night should be no trouble.”
373’s neck reddened and his dark brown eyes narrowed into slits. After a few seconds he placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head.
“Of course, sir,” he muttered through gritted teeth. 481 smirked, turning his head away so the Councilman couldn’t see. He tried catching 571’s eye, but her gaze was fixed on the Leader.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the dirt track turned into a cobblestone road that led into town. They followed the street until its end, where it widened into the central village square. The Gifted headquarters was located on the side of the square closest to the sea, facing inwards towards the town. It was a large, two-storey building with a tall, white stone fence surrounding the property. A large stable was located on the grounds, and to 481’s surprise the Leader took them straight there rather than greet the local Gifted. They left the horses behind with a fresh bale of hay and continued on foot, making their way back along the cobblestone road to the large communal buildings that made up most of the town. The Leader had them stick to the shadows, hurrying along in single file until they reached a red-brick dwelling that overlooked the river. It was one of the larger buildings in the village. From the size of it, 481 guessed there would be at least twenty rooms of varying sizes that each housed a nonGifted family inside.The Leader took her three followers to the nearest staircase, a large stone construct stuck onto the side of the building which led to the upstairs rooms.
“Our target is hiding in here,” said the Leader, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Room 14. It’s on the top floor. 571, you stay here and keep watch for anything suspicious. 373, you hurry to the second exit on the other side of this building. If she knows we are coming, she may try to escape that way. 481, you search around the other buildings. Make sure she isn’t hiding anywhere else. I will check Room 14.”
481 bowed deeply and turned around, making his way to the central courtyard that effaced the four largest communal buildings. When he was out of sight of his comrades, he let his lips break into a grin. It seemed to him that his job was the most crucial, after the Leader’s. If the target had tried to made an escape, it was he who would likely find her.
If I do I’ll capture her all by myself. It’s my chance to show the Leader what I can do. If I find and subdue this villager, she’ll recommend me to the Council for sure.
He moved swiftly through the streets, checking down every alley and corner he could find. The clouds shifted above him and for the first time that night, the full moon was visible in the sky. It shone brightly and aided his search, illuminating the cracked and scuffed brick walls, highlighting every nook and cranny. After ten minutes of searching, he finally reached the far side of the village, where the red brick buildings melted into vast farmlands. Gazing out at the silver dappled grass fields, 481 sighed and closed his eyes.
I suppose this is far enough. If she’s fled any further, we’re unlikely to find her tonight.
He turned around and was about to start back towards Room 14 when he a gust of wind blew past him and the rustling of leaves filled the air. Glancing towards the gentle sound, he noticed a small herb garden nestled between the paddock fence and the redbrick wall of the nearest communal building. Resting his ruined right hand on the hilt of his sword, he crept slowly towards the garden, coming to a stop outside the picket fence.
Just twenty feet away from him kneeled a small village woman with a long, messy white braid. Even from the back, her resemblance to the sketch was too great to be a coincidence. She was dressed in simple village garb; a dirty brown woollen dress with a grey shawl draped over her shoulders. Her hands were covered by thick black gloves and she held a cluster of grey-green weeds in both of them. Even from a distance, 481 could see her wrinkled, thin neck and wrists as she tended to the garden.
It’s her… This frail old woman is the person the Leader needed three experienced Gifted to hunt down.
“What are you doing here?” the woman said, looking up from the ground.
481 stifled a gasp and grabbed at his sword. His ruined fingers fumbled around the hilt and it slipped out of his grip. Cursing under his breath, he switched quickly to his left hand. He tensed, ready to rush forward, but the woman did not turn around or stand up. Instead, she stayed hunched over the ground, tending to the plants while a gentle breeze blew through the garden, tousling her hair. Only then did she look up at the sky, as though someone tall was standing directly before her.
“Why won’t you tell me who you are?” the village woman said. She spoke with a quiet, silvery voice. “I’d love to know more about you.”
What is she doing? Talking to herself like that… Is she mad?
481 frowned and pursed his lips together. Gingerly, he took a step forward, but before he could approach the target someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He glanced to his right and saw the Leader standing behind him, a finger held to her lips. 481 bowed his head and let her go on ahead without him.
“Stand up,” the Leader said, drawing her sword. Her eyes were fixed on the village woman, and her normally grey irises glowed an eerie white as the air around them drew still. “Your time is up, traitor. We’re taking you back to the Council.”
The village woman stood up, glancing at the moon before she turned to face the Leader. Her pale blue eyes remained impassive as a steely wind current wound its way over her body, immobilising her.
“I wondered how long it would take,” the villager said quietly. “Everywhere I go, he always seems to find me. Two years is a long time, though. Longer than I thought, but…. Never mind. We both know you won’t hold me for long.”
The Leader beckoned at 481. He hurried forward. “I know why you came to this village, traitor,” she said, her eyebrows narrowing. “I know you came back to be with your son, your grandchildren. We found them first.”
The woman’s expression changed instantly. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth for a moment, swallowing and closing it quickly.
“Any sign of resistance, and they all die,” The Leader continued in a low voice. “Do I make myself clear?”
The woman nodded, all colour draining from her cheeks. The Leader smiled, glancing at 481 and jerking her head in the traitor’s direction.
“481, bind her please. Quickly.”
481 bowed, hurrying as fast as he could to the villager’s side. He pushed against the air like he was wading through a wall of mud, gritting his teeth. When he reached her, 481 took a thick metal chain from his belt and wound it around the woman’s bony wrists. He tightened them until the steel rings cut into her skin and she let out a gasp. Once she was chained, the air settled and the Leader’s eyes faded back into grey. She strode forward and grabbed the woman by the left elbow, while 481 held onto her right.
“Back to headquarters now,” she said shortly, jerking the woman forward so violently she and 481 almost lost their balance. “We will take a carriage back to the Fortress. Her family will be taken for questioning also, but they will not be killed unless she resists.”
481 nodded, gripping their captive’s arm tightly as they made their way back through the village. When he glanced up at the nearby buildings, he saw candles burning in the windows and the faces of many nonGifted peering down at them, their eyes wide and fearful. A few had even taken in to the streets, watching from the alleyways as the two Gifted marched the traitor through the village streets. When they reached the town square, 373 and 571 were standing beside a large carriage with two draft horses attached and a thrall siting in the driver’s seat. Another three horses were tied to a nearby fence post, saddled and ready to go. Two new Gifted women, who 481 presumed were the current supervisors of the village, stood beside a dark-haired, middle-aged man and two young children. The man’s brow was sweaty and his shoulders shook with every breath. The children cried silently, their arms wrapped around each other.
“Mother!” the man called as they approached, his voice cracking. Murmurs swept through the growing crowd as more nonGifted left their homes to watch the scene unfolding before them. “I – I’m sorry... They were holding a knife to Josie and I couldn’t –“
“It’s alright, Eddie,” the woman said quickly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. Just – do as they say, and you’ll all be fine.”
“They should just let us go,” her son said hotly, his shoulders heaving as a tear ran down his cheek. “Gifted, please listen… My mother is harmless, truly. She – she just wanted to see her family again. Please, let her stay with us. She’s not hurting anyone. Please, just -”
“Don’t say anything,” the traitor interrupted, shaking her head as they reached the other Gifted. 373 stepped forward and yanked her arm away from 481’s grasp, and pushed her forcefully up the steps into the carriage. She craned her neck towards her son, gasping with pain as the Gifted man twisted her elbow. “Please Eddie, don’t fight them. I –“
Her words became muffled as 373 forced a cloth gag into her mouth, tying it so tightly behind her head that she groaned. The Leader stepped forward, her eyes narrowed into slits as she regarded the crowd. Fearful faces stared back at her. One girl in particular caught 481’s eye. A tall, thin, dark-haired teenager stood on top of the stone well’s wall, craning her neck for a better look. Her bright blue eyes shone through the dim moonlight, a wisp of tangled hair caught in her lip. 481 frowned. The longer he stared at her, the more he had a sense that they had met before.
“This woman is a traitor,” the Leader said, her voice cutting through the night air and distracting 481 from his musings. He blinked, clearing his throat, focusing his attention back on the Gifted woman.
“She deserted her duties in this village long ago for a different life,” the Leader continued, “a life of crime and treason. She ran from Gifted rule, but now that she’s decided she’d be more comfortable in one of our towns, she has returned and put every one of you in danger. She’s been stealing your hard-earned rations without lifting a finger to help. So we will be taking her and the traitors who harboured her, but the rest of you need not be harmed. Go back to your homes or I will arrest the whole village.”
The crowd went quiet. Pursing her lips, the Leader turned back to the carriage and climbed onto her bay gelding as rain started to fall again. A distant crack of thunder sounded as 481 hurried towards the traitor’s family, shivering and drawing his cloak closer to his body. 571 arrived first and placed her hands around the children’s shoulders. Gently, she started leading them towards the carriage. Their sobs intensified and the girl looked back and reached towards her father. The Gifted woman continued to lead them away, her face remaining impassive.
The man stared at his children, his jaw tense and his eyebrows knotted. He glanced at the woman holding him and raised his foot, kicking backwards into her shin. She swore and let him go, wincing and grabbing for her sword, her eyes flashing red. The man ran forward, yelling words that 481 thought must be his children’s names. The Gifted man acted quickly, running forward and raising his left hand to the sky. Rain drops settled against his palm hardened into an icy dagger. 481 grabbed for the man’s collar clumsily with his right hand and pressed the point firmly against the villager’s throat. The nonGifted man’s breath shuddered and the blade steamed where small beads of blood spilled over the edge.
“One wrong move…” 481 warned.
The man’s eyes were wide and shaking as he watched 373 and 571 loading his mother and children into the carriage. 481 pulled the man towards the door, wincing as stabbing pains shot up his arm the longer he clenched his crippled fingers.
I can do it. I can’t let them see me struggle.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as the man continued to struggle against him. He reached up and grabbed 481’s hands, twisting his wrists. 481 swore under his breath as his grip on the man’s collar loosened. Finally free, the nonGifted man slipped under 481’s right arm and wrestled the icy dagger from his grip. The man ran clumsily towards the carriage as gasps escaped from the crowd. 481 swore out loud and dashed towards his prisoner, his eyes flashing an icy blue.
My hand might be crippled, but I still have my Gift.
Water burst from the palms of his hand, snaking through the air and slipping under the nonGifted man’s feet as he ran. He slipped and stumbled while the wave grew more intense, pushing him back until he was pressed against the stone fence. The water hardened into a thick wall of ice. The man struggled against his bindings, yelling curses. 481 raised his sword with his left hand and shoved the steel blade into the man’s throat. Multiple villagers screamed as the traitor coughed, spraying blood all over 481’s face. Frowning, the Gifted man blinked and wiped the droplets away with the back of his sleeve and withdrew the sword, sheathing it without wiping away the blood.
“Dad, no… ” The male child’s voice through the night air, cracking on every syllable. 481 looked up and saw him and his sister staring at their father’s bleeding body, their cheeks white. The traitor woman was crying too, her sobs choking against the gag. She fell to her knees, her shoulders shaking. 373 forced her to her feet and pushed her and the children back into the carriage, slamming the door behind them.
“He was innocent!” a man’s voice cried, unidentifiable among the crowd. “You – you killed him. Eddie never hurt anyone!”
Multiple voices yelled in agreement. The rain intensified and 481 lifted his sword threateningly towards the crowd.
“Stay back!” 481 commanded, but the villagers continued to inch forward, many clenching their fists as though ready to jump forward and fight. 481’s eyes fell on the same girl he had spotted before. Her hair was wet and stringy, sticking to her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. She was staring at the man 481 had killed with wide eyes. Multiple men and women rushed past the teenager and threw themselves at the Gifted. 481 pushed them back with a wave of water, gritting his teeth and slashing his sword forward.
“Stop!”
The air around them swirled and roared, rain drops splattering in all directions. The dark-haired girl jumped behind the well to avoid the gust, but the rest of the villagers stumbled backwards. A wave of wind spiralled around the crowd, trapping them in a circle in the middle of the village square. The Leader jumped down from her horse and walked slowly towards the nonGifted villagers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Her eyes flashed and slowly, the villagers started to cough, falling to the ground and clutching at their throats.
“Stop now,” the Leader said, her eyes narrowing as the villagers gasped for air. “You have no chance against us.”
She turned away and climbed back onto her horse. She lifted her hood and kicked her horse’s sides. He trotted forward, whinnying nervously while the air grew still again in his mistress’ wake. Breathing in deeply, the villagers slowly started to pick themselves up from the ground, their faces flushed. The dark-haired girl peeked her head over the top of the well, her face pale. She caught 481’s eye briefly before she turned and ran away, her boots slipping against the slick wet cobblestones. 481 glanced at 373, who was staring at the Leader’s retreating figure, his dark eyes wide.
“I…” he began, his voice hoarse. “I – I’ve never seen a Gift of Air with that kind of power. She… she truly is our Leader.”
481 nodded wordlessly, his throat too tight to speak. 373 opened the carriage door and stepped inside while 571 mounted her horse. 481 bowed his head towards the village Gifted, who were covering the traitor’s son with a woven sheet, and turned back towards his own mare. As he did so, a gust of wind blew around his head, even though the rain was falling in the opposite direction.
What was that? Is someone singing?
He frowned, straining his ears against the heavy rain. A gentle, mournful tune seemed to follow the wind, fading out as quickly as it appeared. He glanced up, wondering if 571 had heard it too, but she and the carriage had already left. Shaking his head, 481 mounted his horse and set off at a fast trot.
It was nothing. I’m just tired, clearly.
481 lifted his hood and urged his horse forward through the thundering rain. He closed his eyes, trying to picture the warm bed and fire waiting for him at the Fortress, but all he could see was a face in the wind.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 0
-Wait, I’m confused: I thought Carrey left 256 behind. Did I misread that last chapter, or is it just assumed in this one that Carrey eventually came back?
-I noticed you misspelt “were” as “where”; watch out for examples like that. Same thing with “their” and there”.
-I wonder what memories 256 is desperately trying to hold in?
December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child
At the end of Carey's part in the last chapter, she decided to go back because she realised it was stupid to run away without a clear plan and with no knowledge of where she is. Sorry if that wasn't clear enough ^^
December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I’m very pleased that there’s a whole chapter devoted to Carey and 256, cause they’re my favourite characters! It was great to learn something about 256’s past as well as how his feelings for Carey are developing. Your characters are rounding out nicely. The incident at the first house also provided more info on why the residents would dislike the Gifted regime, which hasn’t been that clear up to now.
On another note, perhaps you’d like to start experimenting with ways of describing that are all your own rather than relying on stock expressions like ‘full to the brim’ and ‘stone-cold’. It’s not a pressing matter right now, but if you’re serious about honing your writing skills, I think that’s something worth working on.
Editing:
The scene in the cold was so sweet! At least Carey has the decency to feel guilty about eventually betraying 256. The way she rationalised her own turning back was kind of cute too.
There was a lot of information given in this chapter about the Gifted, and it’s good that you did this through Marvin rather than as a ‘lecture’ style passage. Knowing Marvin’s background also helps me relate better to him, although I still can’t decide if he’s actually friend or foe to the rebels. But he definitely isn’t so one-dimensional now.
December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Ah, sorry about the repeated lines at the end of my previous comment - I forgot to clear the pop up box of the previous chapter's comments before inserting the comment for this chapter.
December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Chapter: 0
I don’t know if it’s because I just don’t find Janelle very interesting, but I found the beginning part rather repetitious – there wasn’t anything new to be learned about Janelle, although we did get something about James’ background. Apart from that, it’s all been said before – she’s in it for her sister, she’s not very sociable, she doubts her leadership abilities.
The second part was more interesting to me, but of course it had the advantage of something big happening (Carey’s escape). I also had a sudden thought about her Gift – does only what she’s wearing when she goes invisible become invisible too, or does anything that touches her disappear as well? Cause in some invisibility stories, the person has to take off his/her clothes (like that Jeff Goldblum movie), in others the clothes that he’she is wearing become invisible as well. Just wondering which type Carey is.
December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Another apology - the previous comment was meant for chapter 11. Anyway, In the Corner of Your Eye only has 10 chapters, so if you'd like to continue this exchange, would you mind doing All of Him next? I hope so. Really enjoying your story so far!
December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
At the moment, only what she’s wearing will turn invisible with her. Her invisibility depends on her mind and requires her to imagine herself fading away, so anything that she views as a part of herself (in other words, her clothes) will turn invisible too. She can’t turn other things invisible, though (at least at the moment :P)
Haha I was planning on reading another one of your stories when I finished In the Corner of Your Eye, and now I know which one you'd like :)
December 9, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I really want to know what it is 256 did that he thinks he deserved whatever he got. Obviously it wasn't good. I don't sense much animosity between the two boys, but I think that is because 256 struggles to come to terms with emotions. I don't think he could identify a single one of his emotions if he tried. He is too used to doing his duty for others that he forgets that he has a duty to himself. Every now and then I will see Carey warm up to him, but then then she reverts back to being snarky towards him.
I am glad to see that the POVs are beginning to connect. I like it when they all start to connect because after a while it is hard to keep up with story jumping around wildly. It's not too bad when it is just two or three.
January 23, 2014 | S S Desai
Thanks for all the comments! The point of views are very close to intersecting… Hint: something important may happen in chapter twelve ;)
January 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Great chapter.
So far, 256 is my favorite character. I'm enjoying reading about him second-guessing all the years of brainwash, we went through. He started as a bad guy, but he's getting more and more likeable with every chapter. His infatuation with Carey is plainly amusing (I can't wait to read more about it), as well as his sudden shyness. He's definitely the most interesting person around, mainly thanks to his internal conflict between his destiny, loyalty to the Gifted and his conscience. Carey seems to be a trigger, which would help 256 find the courage to think for himself (what is he doing currently) and act according to what HE thinks is right.
Carey's reaction to her new tasks was natural - I suppose I'd behave the same way in her situation. I'm rooting for her to keep her spirit unyielding as she did up to this point.As the rebellion is going to start in the Lake Village, the confrontation between the rebels and my favorite pair of Gifted is inevitable. Now, that will be fun.
January 26, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
Chapter: 0
Now I want to know what 256 did that he made him feel he deserved what he got. I'm guessing it was pretty bad, whatever it was. Anyway, really good chapter! 256 is without doubt my favorite character now. The banter between him and Carey tends to be hilarious even when the scene is serious and I really like that.
Carey definitely seems to be influencing him in a positive way. He's not yet questioning his duty or his loyalty to the Gifted, but he doesn't seem to always like or approve of the things he's expected to do, which of course is a good thing. It means he's not a full on company man and could one day change his ways, particularly if he stays in Carey's company for a while longer.
Also, the Other Worlds? Now I'm immensely curious about that. Since the story takes place on an island, I've been wondering what's going on elsewhere in the world. Now that I see there are whole other worlds out there, well... I confess myself to be intrigued!
April 19, 2014 | Serina Truscott-Duvall
Wow, you’re very observant! The Other Worlds are only really mentioned a few times in this book. They are given a brief explanation later, but other than that they remain mostly a mystery :3
As for what 256 did, from our perspective what he did isn’t bad at all… But for the Gifted, it’s very bad xD And yes, let’s just say that Carey is definitely showing him a new perspective on life :P But the Gifted are the only life he knows, so it’ll be very difficult for him to turn his back on them even if he disagrees with what they do.
April 20, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Well, I think 1719 (hey, that's the year I was born in!) is having an identity crisis. You seemed to think that she was a guy named 2405. I mean, having a number as a name could be considered an id crisis in itself, but still =) I'm guessing she was 2405 at first, and then you changed him/her? If so, I understand. I've done that more than once in my stories. A friend from fanfiction showed me this cool thing where if you press the Ctrl and F keys at the same time, this long skinny box comes up at the top of your window and if you type a word into it that word is highlighted every time it appears in your chapter, so you can type in the person's old name and see where you put that name to change it to the new one, and you can't miss it. I don't know if it's just on our computers (it's not a sparkatale thing, you can do it anywhere), but wanted to tell you in case you have it too. Am I making sense? Sorry for rambling. I'm talking way more than I should.
It looks like we both type our ellipses wrong. I think you write them like. . . this, when there should be a space in between not only each period and the word after it but also the first period and the letter before it (like . . . this). I don't know, I may be wrong. Sorry for being dumb =P
One thing I noticed, either an inconsistency or a confusion, is the number of gifted in the gifted building. Before they entered and after 1719 talked to the group of peoplefive people. Were nineteen of them not gifted or something?
Was Carey's face literally green? Is that part of her stealth abilities XD Wait, can people actually be green in real life, like a witch??? *mind blown*
Lastly, I was like, "Wait, what?" when 1719 asked Carey and George if they would like to know why they were sent there, even though the Leader already told them. I guess maybe she was reminding them or something, it just seemed weird to me.
I'm really liking your air of mystery in these chapters. It isn't too confusing, because the reader is still aware of emotions, place, time, character, and that stuff. It's interesting...I really want to know the relationship between George and 440. What kind of gift does George have? Hmm.....hm. I also want to know if Carey has a contact power, where she can do something to someone when she touches them. Or maybe she's just a distance user, like the earth gifted. I'll just have to see the full potential of the powers she carries.
Another aspect that I like is your vocabulary. I don't get the feeling of repetition, and I may be overlooking it but the chapters seem well written, with variation in word use.
The last thing I liked is the way you focused on George's thoughts, and didn't switch between the thoughts of different characters. When you wanted to show how other characters, you revealed it through their dialog, which was also well written. The interactions between Carey and George are nice, like how she was upset by the way villagers avoided her, and when she heard George talking to himself. Anyway, focusing on George's thoughts was more fluent the way you wrote it, so god job.
May 15, 2014 | David Boyce
Well, you must be doing well for about 295 ;) Haha, you are right, she was originally a man (and with a different number). Thanks for telling me that, it’ll make my life a lot easier :P As for Carey’s face being green, it’s a figure of speech, is it not? xD I guess I did kind of make it sound like her face is literally green, though.
As for 440’s Gift (I’m assuming that’s what you meant to write, I hope I’ve made 256’s Gift obvious by now ;P), he has the Gift of Air. It’s not supposed to be a secret or anything, so I’m not giving you spoilers :P It just never came up in this chapter.
May 16, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Most people probably have a hard time remembering Gifteds and their numbers, but I think I'll be okay with it. I'm better at remembering numbers than names anyways.
I can definitely sense something brewing between 256 and Carey, even if it is only at the moment a one sided force. His thought process about the dreams felt very natural, and stayed within the realms of his character. I like reading from 256's POV.
I think Carey's plan will cause tension between them, as he's already noticing a change in her. I feel like he almost picked it up a little too easily, but 256 is a rather attentive character. Hopefully the other Gifteds won't catch on.
June 6, 2014 | A . Nonymous
Thanks for all the comments! Haha, I can’t say you’re the first to think that Carey and 256 will end up together… Most people who read this story expect them to :P But I won’t give spoilers. Thanks for the points about the redundancy in the previous chapter. I’m glad the POV changes are better now. And I'm happy you liked the humour, I don't think I'm very good at it so I'm glad that particular moment worked haha.
June 7, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Ah, my bad. Carey stayed with 256. Clearly I wasn't paying enough attention, there. You even said she followed her tracks back through the snow. That should have tipped me off. Sorry. ^^;
Anyway, this is definitely an interesting chapter, bringing up a whole bunch of interesting questions. I wonder what 256's history with 440 is? It sounds like something terrible must have happened (I have my suspicions it has to do with 256's powers, but I can't tell for sure). I think there might have been a few typos or word omissions, but I can't remember where they are, exactly.
The chapter was enjoyable otherwise, and I look forward to finding out more. :)
September 25, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer
Thanks for the comments! Don’t worry, you’re not the first who thought she left him permantently at the end of the last chapter ^^; I really do need to make that more obvious. Thanks for pointing out the repetition and stuff too. Honestly I think I’ll just end up rewriting these early chapters (again, because I already rewrote them once but I rushed it very badly xD) eventually. So I apologize for the bad quality. I think (well, I hope) the writing gets better around chapter 17/18.
September 27, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton
It's okay! ^^ I don't think your writing is terrible at all. We're all still learning, right? I bet it'll be amazing by the next draft. :)
I'll definitely be reading more of it today, so no worries. (Been managing my time a bit better, so catching up on all the stories I started reading here should go more smoothly).
September 27, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer
Chapter: 0
Wondering how the number system works (if it's explained later, I can wait)
Seeing 1719 made me wonder if numbers have any correlation with rank or the time someone was found. SO far I can't see a correlation. How do the gifted decide what number to assign someone?
May 9, 2018 | N. R. Nazario
May 9, 2018 | Genevieve Middleton