A bolt of lightning flashed between the distant trees, vivid white and blinding. To 481’s surprise, the horses did not startle. Instead, they trotted steadily onwards through the thundering rain, barely making a sound. The Gifted man shivered, drawing his grey, fur-lined cloak closer to his body with his left hand, gripping the reins as tightly as he could with his right. With every step his mare took, he felt his grip slipping. His fingers had never been the same since an assignment three years ago, when his right hand and wrist had been shattered by the blow of a rebel’s club.
I can’t let them see my weakness. The Leader herself chose me for this mission. If I do well, she may even recommend me for the Council. I don’t want her to see me as just a damn cripple.
“Shouldn’t we stop and find cover?” 373 called. 481 glanced to the left where his companion rode beside him. The younger man was sitting tall in his saddle despite the droplets trickling down his face, his eyebrows raised and his lips curved into a bemused smile. His question was directed at the Leader, who rode in front of them on a large bay gelding.
“No,” she said, turning when she spoke. She wore a long cloak similar to 481’s but hers was deep black and edged with gold. Her stark grey eyes narrowed, shadowed by her hood. “We ride on until we reach the village.”
373 bowed his head and touched his fist to his chest. When the Leader was facing forward again, he glanced at 481 and rolled his eyes.
“She’s been Leader for what, two months?” he said under his breath. “I’ve been leading expeditions for fifteen years. It’s not like we’re chasing after rebels, we’re just going to arrest some old village woman. It can wait until tomorrow morning, surely. If we keep going the horses will tire. They’ll stumble and fall.”
481 shrugged, glancing nervously at the Leader. I can’t let her hear any doubts. “I’m sure the Leader has her reasons,” he said evenly. He shivered, resisting the urge to chatter his teeth. “Maybe this woman is a rebel, or something else, I don’t know. There are known rebel groups in the south.”
“If that were the case, she would’ve told me at the very least,” said 373. He sat up straighter, adjusting the reins. “I’m in the Council now. We are privy to such information.”
You’re an up-jumped pretender. You’ve never fought in a real battle in your life, but somehow you managed to convince the Head Councilman to promote you. 481 gritted his teeth, clenching his injured fist as tightly as he could. It was he who should have had that position, he who should be wearing a black uniform. Instead, he was stuck with grey while a younger, vainer man took his place. His only hope now was that the Leader took a shine to him and recommended he be promoted. She could not appoint Council members herself, but 481 assumed the Head Councilman took her advice into account.
“What do you think?” 373 continued, oblivious. He raised his eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at the fourth member of their party, who rode steadily behind them on a dappled grey mare.
“It’s not our place to question the Leader,” the woman said quietly, her voice almost inaudible through the rain. They had set off from the fortress together at dawn, but in the twelve hours since 481 had yet to hear her speak. He knew her number, 571, from the mission briefing the Head Councilman had given him prior to their journey. She wore a grey uniform like him, but the dark green lining of her cloak and sleeves and the emerald encrusted timepiece hanging from her belt indicated she had the Gift of Earth.
“Fine,” said 373 shortly, rolling his eyes. He lowered his voice. “Don’t act like the two of you aren’t thinking the same thing.”
481 cleared his throat, shifting in his saddle. He glanced at the Leader, but she rode onward, with no change in her body language to suggest she had heard anything.
I’m not questioning her. She is our Leader now, and I must do as she asks. But… it is unusual, he’s right in that.
Leaders rarely travelled the Island, especially not for a mission that could be easily handled by even the most inexperienced of Gifted. The Head Councilman had read the mission briefing to 481 before he left the Fortress - they were to capture a certain village woman alive and bring her back for questioning. 481 had no idea what knowledge she had that could possibly be useful to the Leader and the Council. That information was classified, which he understood well enough. As an ordinary Gifted soldier, it wasn’t his place to question his orders. But the Head Councilman had shown him a sketch of their target too. She was a small, frail looking woman in her sixties with long white hair tied in a braid, barely indistinguishable from any other nonGifted villager. She would never be able to overpower a single fully trained Gifted, let alone four, so why the Leader felt she had to lead the mission herself was a mystery. Perhaps there was something else about this woman that made her capture vital. Or perhaps the Leader simply wanted to prove herself to the Gifted and her Council. Leaders served for life, but she was newly appointed and young. Her predecessor had been a strong, stable man, guiding both the Gifted and nonGifted for almost fifty years. Many in the Fortress, including 481 himself, had doubts over whether this young, unblooded woman could fill his shoes.
Lost in thought, 481 and his companions spent the rest of the journey in silence. They rode for an hour more, following the winding forest road south until it met the Great River. From there, it was only a short journey along the riverbank to Town 13, the farming village where their target was supposedly hiding. When they finally arrived it was well past sunset, and the rain had slowed to a steady drizzle.
“At last,” 373 said, yawning loudly as they followed a dirt path between two large, grassy fields. They were heading for a cluster of redbrick buildings visible at the bottom of the hill, where the river met the sea. “What are the headquarters like in these farming villages? I haven’t stayed in one for years. Are there decent beds? They have thralls, right –“
“We won’t be stopping yet,” the Leader interrupted from up ahead. “We will find the target and capture her, exchange our horses, then make our way back to the Fortress.”
“But that’ll take all night,” 373 protested, sitting up straighter in his saddle and puffing out his chest. “Sir, I know this mission is crucial to you, but if we ride all through the night we will only be tired and might make mistakes. She may overpower and escape us. We should stop and rest now, then in the morning –“
“If we stop to rest, she may hear of our arrival and run,” the Leader said. She turned to face her subordinates, her eyebrows narrowing. “I’m surprised you’re causing so much fuss. If you are truly Gifted, one sleepless night should be no trouble.”
373’s neck reddened and his dark brown eyes narrowed into slits. After a few seconds he placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head.
“Of course, sir,” he muttered through gritted teeth. 481 smirked, turning his head away so the Councilman couldn’t see. He tried catching 571’s eye, but her gaze was fixed on the Leader.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the dirt track turned into a cobblestone road that led into town. They followed the street until its end, where it widened into the central village square. The Gifted headquarters was located on the side of the square closest to the sea, facing inwards towards the town. It was a large, two-storey building with a tall, white stone fence surrounding the property. A large stable was located on the grounds, and to 481’s surprise the Leader took them straight there rather than greet the local Gifted. They left the horses behind with a fresh bale of hay and continued on foot, making their way back along the cobblestone road to the large communal buildings that made up most of the town. The Leader had them stick to the shadows, hurrying along in single file until they reached a red-brick dwelling that overlooked the river. It was one of the larger buildings in the village. From the size of it, 481 guessed there would be at least twenty rooms of varying sizes that each housed a nonGifted family inside.The Leader took her three followers to the nearest staircase, a large stone construct stuck onto the side of the building which led to the upstairs rooms.
“Our target is hiding in here,” said the Leader, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Room 14. It’s on the top floor. 571, you stay here and keep watch for anything suspicious. 373, you hurry to the second exit on the other side of this building. If she knows we are coming, she may try to escape that way. 481, you search around the other buildings. Make sure she isn’t hiding anywhere else. I will check Room 14.”
481 bowed deeply and turned around, making his way to the central courtyard that effaced the four largest communal buildings. When he was out of sight of his comrades, he let his lips break into a grin. It seemed to him that his job was the most crucial, after the Leader’s. If the target had tried to made an escape, it was he who would likely find her.
If I do I’ll capture her all by myself. It’s my chance to show the Leader what I can do. If I find and subdue this villager, she’ll recommend me to the Council for sure.
He moved swiftly through the streets, checking down every alley and corner he could find. The clouds shifted above him and for the first time that night, the full moon was visible in the sky. It shone brightly and aided his search, illuminating the cracked and scuffed brick walls, highlighting every nook and cranny. After ten minutes of searching, he finally reached the far side of the village, where the red brick buildings melted into vast farmlands. Gazing out at the silver dappled grass fields, 481 sighed and closed his eyes.
I suppose this is far enough. If she’s fled any further, we’re unlikely to find her tonight.
He turned around and was about to start back towards Room 14 when he a gust of wind blew past him and the rustling of leaves filled the air. Glancing towards the gentle sound, he noticed a small herb garden nestled between the paddock fence and the redbrick wall of the nearest communal building. Resting his ruined right hand on the hilt of his sword, he crept slowly towards the garden, coming to a stop outside the picket fence.
Just twenty feet away from him kneeled a small village woman with a long, messy white braid. Even from the back, her resemblance to the sketch was too great to be a coincidence. She was dressed in simple village garb; a dirty brown woollen dress with a grey shawl draped over her shoulders. Her hands were covered by thick black gloves and she held a cluster of grey-green weeds in both of them. Even from a distance, 481 could see her wrinkled, thin neck and wrists as she tended to the garden.
It’s her… This frail old woman is the person the Leader needed three experienced Gifted to hunt down.
“What are you doing here?” the woman said, looking up from the ground.
481 stifled a gasp and grabbed at his sword. His ruined fingers fumbled around the hilt and it slipped out of his grip. Cursing under his breath, he switched quickly to his left hand. He tensed, ready to rush forward, but the woman did not turn around or stand up. Instead, she stayed hunched over the ground, tending to the plants while a gentle breeze blew through the garden, tousling her hair. Only then did she look up at the sky, as though someone tall was standing directly before her.
“Why won’t you tell me who you are?” the village woman said. She spoke with a quiet, silvery voice. “I’d love to know more about you.”
What is she doing? Talking to herself like that… Is she mad?
481 frowned and pursed his lips together. Gingerly, he took a step forward, but before he could approach the target someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He glanced to his right and saw the Leader standing behind him, a finger held to her lips. 481 bowed his head and let her go on ahead without him.
“Stand up,” the Leader said, drawing her sword. Her eyes were fixed on the village woman, and her normally grey irises glowed an eerie white as the air around them drew still. “Your time is up, traitor. We’re taking you back to the Council.”
The village woman stood up, glancing at the moon before she turned to face the Leader. Her pale blue eyes remained impassive as a steely wind current wound its way over her body, immobilising her.
“I wondered how long it would take,” the villager said quietly. “Everywhere I go, he always seems to find me. Two years is a long time, though. Longer than I thought, but…. Never mind. We both know you won’t hold me for long.”
The Leader beckoned at 481. He hurried forward. “I know why you came to this village, traitor,” she said, her eyebrows narrowing. “I know you came back to be with your son, your grandchildren. We found them first.”
The woman’s expression changed instantly. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth for a moment, swallowing and closing it quickly.
“Any sign of resistance, and they all die,” The Leader continued in a low voice. “Do I make myself clear?”
The woman nodded, all colour draining from her cheeks. The Leader smiled, glancing at 481 and jerking her head in the traitor’s direction.
“481, bind her please. Quickly.”
481 bowed, hurrying as fast as he could to the villager’s side. He pushed against the air like he was wading through a wall of mud, gritting his teeth. When he reached her, 481 took a thick metal chain from his belt and wound it around the woman’s bony wrists. He tightened them until the steel rings cut into her skin and she let out a gasp. Once she was chained, the air settled and the Leader’s eyes faded back into grey. She strode forward and grabbed the woman by the left elbow, while 481 held onto her right.
“Back to headquarters now,” she said shortly, jerking the woman forward so violently she and 481 almost lost their balance. “We will take a carriage back to the Fortress. Her family will be taken for questioning also, but they will not be killed unless she resists.”
481 nodded, gripping their captive’s arm tightly as they made their way back through the village. When he glanced up at the nearby buildings, he saw candles burning in the windows and the faces of many nonGifted peering down at them, their eyes wide and fearful. A few had even taken in to the streets, watching from the alleyways as the two Gifted marched the traitor through the village streets. When they reached the town square, 373 and 571 were standing beside a large carriage with two draft horses attached and a thrall siting in the driver’s seat. Another three horses were tied to a nearby fence post, saddled and ready to go. Two new Gifted women, who 481 presumed were the current supervisors of the village, stood beside a dark-haired, middle-aged man and two young children. The man’s brow was sweaty and his shoulders shook with every breath. The children cried silently, their arms wrapped around each other.
“Mother!” the man called as they approached, his voice cracking. Murmurs swept through the growing crowd as more nonGifted left their homes to watch the scene unfolding before them. “I – I’m sorry... They were holding a knife to Josie and I couldn’t –“
“It’s alright, Eddie,” the woman said quickly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. Just – do as they say, and you’ll all be fine.”
“They should just let us go,” her son said hotly, his shoulders heaving as a tear ran down his cheek. “Gifted, please listen… My mother is harmless, truly. She – she just wanted to see her family again. Please, let her stay with us. She’s not hurting anyone. Please, just -”
“Don’t say anything,” the traitor interrupted, shaking her head as they reached the other Gifted. 373 stepped forward and yanked her arm away from 481’s grasp, and pushed her forcefully up the steps into the carriage. She craned her neck towards her son, gasping with pain as the Gifted man twisted her elbow. “Please Eddie, don’t fight them. I –“
Her words became muffled as 373 forced a cloth gag into her mouth, tying it so tightly behind her head that she groaned. The Leader stepped forward, her eyes narrowed into slits as she regarded the crowd. Fearful faces stared back at her. One girl in particular caught 481’s eye. A tall, thin, dark-haired teenager stood on top of the stone well’s wall, craning her neck for a better look. Her bright blue eyes shone through the dim moonlight, a wisp of tangled hair caught in her lip. 481 frowned. The longer he stared at her, the more he had a sense that they had met before.
“This woman is a traitor,” the Leader said, her voice cutting through the night air and distracting 481 from his musings. He blinked, clearing his throat, focusing his attention back on the Gifted woman.
“She deserted her duties in this village long ago for a different life,” the Leader continued, “a life of crime and treason. She ran from Gifted rule, but now that she’s decided she’d be more comfortable in one of our towns, she has returned and put every one of you in danger. She’s been stealing your hard-earned rations without lifting a finger to help. So we will be taking her and the traitors who harboured her, but the rest of you need not be harmed. Go back to your homes or I will arrest the whole village.”
The crowd went quiet. Pursing her lips, the Leader turned back to the carriage and climbed onto her bay gelding as rain started to fall again. A distant crack of thunder sounded as 481 hurried towards the traitor’s family, shivering and drawing his cloak closer to his body. 571 arrived first and placed her hands around the children’s shoulders. Gently, she started leading them towards the carriage. Their sobs intensified and the girl looked back and reached towards her father. The Gifted woman continued to lead them away, her face remaining impassive.
The man stared at his children, his jaw tense and his eyebrows knotted. He glanced at the woman holding him and raised his foot, kicking backwards into her shin. She swore and let him go, wincing and grabbing for her sword, her eyes flashing red. The man ran forward, yelling words that 481 thought must be his children’s names. The Gifted man acted quickly, running forward and raising his left hand to the sky. Rain drops settled against his palm hardened into an icy dagger. 481 grabbed for the man’s collar clumsily with his right hand and pressed the point firmly against the villager’s throat. The nonGifted man’s breath shuddered and the blade steamed where small beads of blood spilled over the edge.
“One wrong move…” 481 warned.
The man’s eyes were wide and shaking as he watched 373 and 571 loading his mother and children into the carriage. 481 pulled the man towards the door, wincing as stabbing pains shot up his arm the longer he clenched his crippled fingers.
I can do it. I can’t let them see me struggle.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as the man continued to struggle against him. He reached up and grabbed 481’s hands, twisting his wrists. 481 swore under his breath as his grip on the man’s collar loosened. Finally free, the nonGifted man slipped under 481’s right arm and wrestled the icy dagger from his grip. The man ran clumsily towards the carriage as gasps escaped from the crowd. 481 swore out loud and dashed towards his prisoner, his eyes flashing an icy blue.
My hand might be crippled, but I still have my Gift.
Water burst from the palms of his hand, snaking through the air and slipping under the nonGifted man’s feet as he ran. He slipped and stumbled while the wave grew more intense, pushing him back until he was pressed against the stone fence. The water hardened into a thick wall of ice. The man struggled against his bindings, yelling curses. 481 raised his sword with his left hand and shoved the steel blade into the man’s throat. Multiple villagers screamed as the traitor coughed, spraying blood all over 481’s face. Frowning, the Gifted man blinked and wiped the droplets away with the back of his sleeve and withdrew the sword, sheathing it without wiping away the blood.
“Dad, no… ” The male child’s voice through the night air, cracking on every syllable. 481 looked up and saw him and his sister staring at their father’s bleeding body, their cheeks white. The traitor woman was crying too, her sobs choking against the gag. She fell to her knees, her shoulders shaking. 373 forced her to her feet and pushed her and the children back into the carriage, slamming the door behind them.
“He was innocent!” a man’s voice cried, unidentifiable among the crowd. “You – you killed him. Eddie never hurt anyone!”
Multiple voices yelled in agreement. The rain intensified and 481 lifted his sword threateningly towards the crowd.
“Stay back!” 481 commanded, but the villagers continued to inch forward, many clenching their fists as though ready to jump forward and fight. 481’s eyes fell on the same girl he had spotted before. Her hair was wet and stringy, sticking to her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. She was staring at the man 481 had killed with wide eyes. Multiple men and women rushed past the teenager and threw themselves at the Gifted. 481 pushed them back with a wave of water, gritting his teeth and slashing his sword forward.
“Stop!”
The air around them swirled and roared, rain drops splattering in all directions. The dark-haired girl jumped behind the well to avoid the gust, but the rest of the villagers stumbled backwards. A wave of wind spiralled around the crowd, trapping them in a circle in the middle of the village square. The Leader jumped down from her horse and walked slowly towards the nonGifted villagers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Her eyes flashed and slowly, the villagers started to cough, falling to the ground and clutching at their throats.
“Stop now,” the Leader said, her eyes narrowing as the villagers gasped for air. “You have no chance against us.”
She turned away and climbed back onto her horse. She lifted her hood and kicked her horse’s sides. He trotted forward, whinnying nervously while the air grew still again in his mistress’ wake. Breathing in deeply, the villagers slowly started to pick themselves up from the ground, their faces flushed. The dark-haired girl peeked her head over the top of the well, her face pale. She caught 481’s eye briefly before she turned and ran away, her boots slipping against the slick wet cobblestones. 481 glanced at 373, who was staring at the Leader’s retreating figure, his dark eyes wide.
“I…” he began, his voice hoarse. “I – I’ve never seen a Gift of Air with that kind of power. She… she truly is our Leader.”
481 nodded wordlessly, his throat too tight to speak. 373 opened the carriage door and stepped inside while 571 mounted her horse. 481 bowed his head towards the village Gifted, who were covering the traitor’s son with a woven sheet, and turned back towards his own mare. As he did so, a gust of wind blew around his head, even though the rain was falling in the opposite direction.
What was that? Is someone singing?
He frowned, straining his ears against the heavy rain. A gentle, mournful tune seemed to follow the wind, fading out as quickly as it appeared. He glanced up, wondering if 571 had heard it too, but she and the carriage had already left. Shaking his head, 481 mounted his horse and set off at a fast trot.
It was nothing. I’m just tired, clearly.
481 lifted his hood and urged his horse forward through the thundering rain. He closed his eyes, trying to picture the warm bed and fire waiting for him at the Fortress, but all he could see was a face in the wind.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 0
-In the very first paragraph you wrote: -… enough that she’d be able to slip away when he without him noticing… - It should be: -… enough that she’d be able to slip away without him noticing… -
-You misspelt “that” as “hat” in the part after the argument between Janelle and Samantha.
-Hmm, Marvin's background is certainly interesting. I'm surprised he himself is not a Gifted since her parents both were. I suppose he's just an exception. However, his vagueness still makes me suspicious of him.
December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child
Marvin has no more chance of being Gifted than anyone else, even if his parents are Gifted themselves. It is not an inherited trait :P
December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
The scene in the cold was so sweet! At least Carey has the decency to feel guilty about eventually betraying 256. The way she rationalised her own turning back was kind of cute too.
There was a lot of information given in this chapter about the Gifted, and it’s good that you did this through Marvin rather than as a ‘lecture’ style passage. Knowing Marvin’s background also helps me relate better to him, although I still can’t decide if he’s actually friend or foe to the rebels. But he definitely isn’t so one-dimensional now.
December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Chapter: 0
I figured Marvin must have been either gifted or have had some connection with them. I thought this when he said his name was Marvin to his sister because the Gifted have numbers not names, so he must not have had a fixed name.
Poor Carey. She almost escaped, but I also guessed that she would not. Mostly because that would mean her leaving 256, which I don't see happening. I also liked how she was careful to take care of him in a subtle way. By not taking all the provisions she was ensuring his survival. I think it is important for Carey to understand that there is good in this world of Gifted and not everything is as black and white as it may seem.
I did not expect so much emotion from Janelle. I always see her as someone who is hard to break, but there is nothing worse than seeming someone who seems invincible break down. It makes you feel like there is nothing you can do.
January 23, 2014 | S S Desai
Chapter: 0
I liked the descriptions of 256, Janelle and Samantha. They (the descriptions) appeared a bit late in the story, but better late than never.
I expected Carey to come back - after all she's destined to make 256 join the dark side (at least that's my suspicion. They will find out about the resistance and then join). The whole scene of the escape was really nice, with Carey's inner turmoil. If I was her, I'd devise a way of navigating myself home, but she's a village girl - she has the excuse. About her being the village girl, I noticed she used the term: "hypothermia". The name for the condition has been devised quite recently and I doubt that the medicine in the world of the "Gifted" is developed enough for the villages to know such words (they don't even have plumbing and electricity, right). I'd refer to hypothermia as: death of cold or frozen to death.
Marvin spilled the beans in this chapter ;-) Now I'm almost sure that Samantha is Gifted. She's far too mysterious and I get the "witch-vibes" from her. If it turned out that Marvin wasn't the one with the Gift, she might have avoided my suspicion.
Overall, it was a fine chapter - there was a scene, which made me hold my breath, some great descriptions, revelations. Everything was there.
January 25, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
Oops, that was a dumb mistake XD The world is actually a mixture of different eras then a completely medievalish society (some of the larger towns are more like early Victorian era levels of technology, while village’s like Carey’s and Janelle’s are still pretty much medieval), but still, they definitely wouldn’t have that advanced medicine XD
January 26, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
It was good to get some background info on Marvin! I was expecting him to say that he was Gifted himself seeing as his parents were. I had been assuming Gifts were inherited traits that were passed down through family lines. I'm still not sure if I trust him though. He's suspicious XD
I enjoyed learning more about the Gifted and their social structure. I didn't expect any sort of hierarchy or caste system based on their respective Gifts, but I really liked it. Good job there.
I knew Carey would try to escape the Gifted's clutches once out in the wild. I liked the way she seemed to regret leaving 256 behind. While I'm glad she stuck with 256 because I like him and the sort of love/hate relationship they seem to have going, if I had been her I'd have taken the risk and gone for it :P Anyway, good chapter. It seems like these characters are all starting move towards an encounter with each other soon!
April 14, 2014 | Serina Truscott-Duvall
I figured it was only natural for there to be a hierachy among the Gifts ;-) I mean, surely they’d have a bit of “my powers are better than yours” competition going. The position of the Gifts of Earth is probably the most important in this story (not for quite a while, though). Well, it’s important for one character in particular… :-P
Heh, originally I was going to make Gifts inherited, but then I figured the Council would just make the Gifted have children with each other (not that it doesn’t happen, like with Marvin, but they’re not technically supposed to xD). So I made them non-genetic, and therefore someone whose parents are Gifted have no more chance of having powers than anyone else.
April 14, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Ha ha, I don't know why, but I found it a little funny when Carey was staring at 256's face, in the beginning. That and her feeling guilty must mean that she *cares* about him. That was my Carey pun. Oh, and if you just rolled your eyes, sorry, but at least I spelled her name right this time. Anyway, I'll shut up and get on to your comment;
I really like how you have Carey's and Janelle's thoughts. One thing, I feel that Carey's (at the beginning part) could be more fluent. It seemed to me as though her thoughts were in response to your narrations. One example;
Carey closed her eyes, taking care to slow her breathing gradually so it looked like she was falling asleep. But this soon became unnecessary, as 256 fell asleep much quicker than she thought he would. I suppose he trusts me more than I thought. This idea made her feel a little guilty, like she was using him or something. No, don’t think that. He’ll understand why I have to do this. Eventually.
This may be a personal thing, but I would probably split up the paragraphs so your narrations and Carey's thoughts don't mix, or maybe show what exactly she was thinking, like maybe instead of the "This idea" sentence you could say, in a separate paragraph, "I can't just leave him here. It's like I'm using him." Or something like that. Then the next sentence would be in a separate paragraph too, look dialog. Because that's what it is, dialog, just inside Cary's brain.
Another thing I found strange was that you described the appearances of 256, Janelle, and Samantha in this chapter. It seemed a bit late, since you already talked about what Janelle and Samantha looked like, and 256 has been around a lot and there were opportunities to describe him earlier.
There were several wording and spelling errors throughout. I hope you'll forgive me if I don't tell you the exact locations, but that might tempt you to be less meticulous when you self-edit. It's not a lot and doesn't slow down the pace, so it's not too bad.
Lastly, some of the paragraphs were pretty big, and I don't know if some people will dislike that and get slowed down. I thought it was fine though. At least you broke them up, like when Marvin was talking at the end.
I like how Carey had to make the decision of returning to 256, even though she could have gotten freedom. That was very smart of her. All the decisions she's been having to make is a strong part of the book, making it interesting.
Same with the relationships between the characters, such as Janelle and Samantha. Janelle should have been happy that her friend was finally back, accomplishing what she had left to do and getting her brother to help them. I guess Janelle is so stressed out from all the hard work she has to that she just snapped at her best friend. The motive for their argument how they reacted to each otherplayed, so good job on that.
It's interesting that Janelle doesn't know much about how the world works, like gasses and stuff. Protagonists not knowing basic things like that can be easily overlooked, but you had it in here and I thought it was a nice touch.
The hierarchy part was fascinating. It's your own unique spin on the typical four elements thing. If air is the most powerful, I guess that explains why the Leader is in a position of power. I kind of feel bad for the fire and earth giftees, because the other gifted sort of look down on them and see them as weak. Maybe that's why 256 seems so peaceful, so that he doesn't get out of control and kill himself.
Another tasty part of this chapter was when you explained the villagers of the mountain, where Jan and Sam came from. The low survival rate was sad. I wonder what happened to Sam's family, and if her dad will be a part of the story. I don't know why I still think someone's 256 from the future...I don't even like sci fi =P I just have the feeling that it's so.
Everything seems a bit happyish. 256 and Carey are getting along (oh, they're getting along all right), Samantha returned to find her brother and he's going to help them, the recruits are getting better, and thanks to Marvin we knew more about the gifted. That's all fine, because the story would be pretty bad if there were just gloomy parts. And Janelle did get into a fight with Samantha, so it isn't too optimistic. But I wonder if they're going to wake up..."And it was all a dream."
That looks like all for today but I'm staying home tomorrow so I might be able to get in two more reviews then. I really like this story and look forward to reading more.
May 14, 2014 | David Boyce
Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you liked the hierarchy thing, I thought it was only natural they’d have a “my powers are better than your powers” thing going on, so…
And wait, does that mean you think Sam’s dad is 256 from the future? xD That’s an… interesting theory ;)
May 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Carey's certainly a smart character. She likely would have gotten lost or frozen to death in the wilderness, and I'm glad you had her turn around instead of push on, because if she made her own out there I might had had a little trouble believing it.
I can kind of sense a potential romance between Carey and 256. I'm always good at guessing who gets with who in stories, so that doesn't make it predictable or anything.
I noticed, when we begin Janelle's POV, you write again how winter is almost halfway over but snow is still thick on the ground. We're aware of it, as we've been told once, so maybe show, not tell, the reader the second time around. The line sounds a little redundant, nonetheless.
The argument between Samantha and Janelle was a nice touch, as I was expecting something ill to have befallen her in the mountains or a warm, sappy welcome. It creates some inner tension in the resistance, which is a promise for a future potential plot point that could be very interesting if done right. The resistance is filled with characters, and so far you've done a good job fleshing the ones we've met out. We don't know them enough to really get a solid grip on their personalities, but I like how you pay attention even to your secondary characters. It shows you put a lot of thought into your work.
June 6, 2014 | A . Nonymous
Chapter: 0
Sorry (again) for the long absence. I actually had to skim over last chapter to remember what was happening. ^^; I endeavour to stick to a more regular reading schedule with this one until I'm done. (Fingers crossed I manage).
I digress: Really liked how the first scene played out, though it did feel a bit repetitive toward the end--when Carey is thinking about how she has nowhere to go. I think it was three paragraphs in a row that essentially said the same thing, there. ^^; That aside, you set the tone really well.
As to the second scene, you might want to comb through the earlier part of it for the odd typo or tense confusion. ^^; There weren't too many--maybe two or three at most that I saw--so hopefully it won't give you too much trouble.
I actually kind of like seeing how things are changing, how Janelle in particular is shaping up. It was also good to learn some of Marvin's past; it gave a clearer perception of whether he can be trusted, or not. I vote for trusting him, by the way. ;)
Looking forward to seeing how things turn out--both for Carey now that she's taken off on 256, how 256 will take her doing this, and how things will pan out between Janelle and Samantha.
Not to mention all of the recruits. ^^;
September 25, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer