A bolt of lightning flashed between the distant trees, vivid white and blinding. To 481’s surprise, the horses did not startle. Instead, they trotted steadily onwards through the thundering rain, barely making a sound. The Gifted man shivered, drawing his grey, fur-lined cloak closer to his body with his left hand, gripping the reins as tightly as he could with his right. With every step his mare took, he felt his grip slipping. His fingers had never been the same since an assignment three years ago, when his right hand and wrist had been shattered by the blow of a rebel’s club.
I can’t let them see my weakness. The Leader herself chose me for this mission. If I do well, she may even recommend me for the Council. I don’t want her to see me as just a damn cripple.
“Shouldn’t we stop and find cover?” 373 called. 481 glanced to the left where his companion rode beside him. The younger man was sitting tall in his saddle despite the droplets trickling down his face, his eyebrows raised and his lips curved into a bemused smile. His question was directed at the Leader, who rode in front of them on a large bay gelding.
“No,” she said, turning when she spoke. She wore a long cloak similar to 481’s but hers was deep black and edged with gold. Her stark grey eyes narrowed, shadowed by her hood. “We ride on until we reach the village.”
373 bowed his head and touched his fist to his chest. When the Leader was facing forward again, he glanced at 481 and rolled his eyes.
“She’s been Leader for what, two months?” he said under his breath. “I’ve been leading expeditions for fifteen years. It’s not like we’re chasing after rebels, we’re just going to arrest some old village woman. It can wait until tomorrow morning, surely. If we keep going the horses will tire. They’ll stumble and fall.”
481 shrugged, glancing nervously at the Leader. I can’t let her hear any doubts. “I’m sure the Leader has her reasons,” he said evenly. He shivered, resisting the urge to chatter his teeth. “Maybe this woman is a rebel, or something else, I don’t know. There are known rebel groups in the south.”
“If that were the case, she would’ve told me at the very least,” said 373. He sat up straighter, adjusting the reins. “I’m in the Council now. We are privy to such information.”
You’re an up-jumped pretender. You’ve never fought in a real battle in your life, but somehow you managed to convince the Head Councilman to promote you. 481 gritted his teeth, clenching his injured fist as tightly as he could. It was he who should have had that position, he who should be wearing a black uniform. Instead, he was stuck with grey while a younger, vainer man took his place. His only hope now was that the Leader took a shine to him and recommended he be promoted. She could not appoint Council members herself, but 481 assumed the Head Councilman took her advice into account.
“What do you think?” 373 continued, oblivious. He raised his eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at the fourth member of their party, who rode steadily behind them on a dappled grey mare.
“It’s not our place to question the Leader,” the woman said quietly, her voice almost inaudible through the rain. They had set off from the fortress together at dawn, but in the twelve hours since 481 had yet to hear her speak. He knew her number, 571, from the mission briefing the Head Councilman had given him prior to their journey. She wore a grey uniform like him, but the dark green lining of her cloak and sleeves and the emerald encrusted timepiece hanging from her belt indicated she had the Gift of Earth.
“Fine,” said 373 shortly, rolling his eyes. He lowered his voice. “Don’t act like the two of you aren’t thinking the same thing.”
481 cleared his throat, shifting in his saddle. He glanced at the Leader, but she rode onward, with no change in her body language to suggest she had heard anything.
I’m not questioning her. She is our Leader now, and I must do as she asks. But… it is unusual, he’s right in that.
Leaders rarely travelled the Island, especially not for a mission that could be easily handled by even the most inexperienced of Gifted. The Head Councilman had read the mission briefing to 481 before he left the Fortress - they were to capture a certain village woman alive and bring her back for questioning. 481 had no idea what knowledge she had that could possibly be useful to the Leader and the Council. That information was classified, which he understood well enough. As an ordinary Gifted soldier, it wasn’t his place to question his orders. But the Head Councilman had shown him a sketch of their target too. She was a small, frail looking woman in her sixties with long white hair tied in a braid, barely indistinguishable from any other nonGifted villager. She would never be able to overpower a single fully trained Gifted, let alone four, so why the Leader felt she had to lead the mission herself was a mystery. Perhaps there was something else about this woman that made her capture vital. Or perhaps the Leader simply wanted to prove herself to the Gifted and her Council. Leaders served for life, but she was newly appointed and young. Her predecessor had been a strong, stable man, guiding both the Gifted and nonGifted for almost fifty years. Many in the Fortress, including 481 himself, had doubts over whether this young, unblooded woman could fill his shoes.
Lost in thought, 481 and his companions spent the rest of the journey in silence. They rode for an hour more, following the winding forest road south until it met the Great River. From there, it was only a short journey along the riverbank to Town 13, the farming village where their target was supposedly hiding. When they finally arrived it was well past sunset, and the rain had slowed to a steady drizzle.
“At last,” 373 said, yawning loudly as they followed a dirt path between two large, grassy fields. They were heading for a cluster of redbrick buildings visible at the bottom of the hill, where the river met the sea. “What are the headquarters like in these farming villages? I haven’t stayed in one for years. Are there decent beds? They have thralls, right –“
“We won’t be stopping yet,” the Leader interrupted from up ahead. “We will find the target and capture her, exchange our horses, then make our way back to the Fortress.”
“But that’ll take all night,” 373 protested, sitting up straighter in his saddle and puffing out his chest. “Sir, I know this mission is crucial to you, but if we ride all through the night we will only be tired and might make mistakes. She may overpower and escape us. We should stop and rest now, then in the morning –“
“If we stop to rest, she may hear of our arrival and run,” the Leader said. She turned to face her subordinates, her eyebrows narrowing. “I’m surprised you’re causing so much fuss. If you are truly Gifted, one sleepless night should be no trouble.”
373’s neck reddened and his dark brown eyes narrowed into slits. After a few seconds he placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head.
“Of course, sir,” he muttered through gritted teeth. 481 smirked, turning his head away so the Councilman couldn’t see. He tried catching 571’s eye, but her gaze was fixed on the Leader.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the dirt track turned into a cobblestone road that led into town. They followed the street until its end, where it widened into the central village square. The Gifted headquarters was located on the side of the square closest to the sea, facing inwards towards the town. It was a large, two-storey building with a tall, white stone fence surrounding the property. A large stable was located on the grounds, and to 481’s surprise the Leader took them straight there rather than greet the local Gifted. They left the horses behind with a fresh bale of hay and continued on foot, making their way back along the cobblestone road to the large communal buildings that made up most of the town. The Leader had them stick to the shadows, hurrying along in single file until they reached a red-brick dwelling that overlooked the river. It was one of the larger buildings in the village. From the size of it, 481 guessed there would be at least twenty rooms of varying sizes that each housed a nonGifted family inside.The Leader took her three followers to the nearest staircase, a large stone construct stuck onto the side of the building which led to the upstairs rooms.
“Our target is hiding in here,” said the Leader, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Room 14. It’s on the top floor. 571, you stay here and keep watch for anything suspicious. 373, you hurry to the second exit on the other side of this building. If she knows we are coming, she may try to escape that way. 481, you search around the other buildings. Make sure she isn’t hiding anywhere else. I will check Room 14.”
481 bowed deeply and turned around, making his way to the central courtyard that effaced the four largest communal buildings. When he was out of sight of his comrades, he let his lips break into a grin. It seemed to him that his job was the most crucial, after the Leader’s. If the target had tried to made an escape, it was he who would likely find her.
If I do I’ll capture her all by myself. It’s my chance to show the Leader what I can do. If I find and subdue this villager, she’ll recommend me to the Council for sure.
He moved swiftly through the streets, checking down every alley and corner he could find. The clouds shifted above him and for the first time that night, the full moon was visible in the sky. It shone brightly and aided his search, illuminating the cracked and scuffed brick walls, highlighting every nook and cranny. After ten minutes of searching, he finally reached the far side of the village, where the red brick buildings melted into vast farmlands. Gazing out at the silver dappled grass fields, 481 sighed and closed his eyes.
I suppose this is far enough. If she’s fled any further, we’re unlikely to find her tonight.
He turned around and was about to start back towards Room 14 when he a gust of wind blew past him and the rustling of leaves filled the air. Glancing towards the gentle sound, he noticed a small herb garden nestled between the paddock fence and the redbrick wall of the nearest communal building. Resting his ruined right hand on the hilt of his sword, he crept slowly towards the garden, coming to a stop outside the picket fence.
Just twenty feet away from him kneeled a small village woman with a long, messy white braid. Even from the back, her resemblance to the sketch was too great to be a coincidence. She was dressed in simple village garb; a dirty brown woollen dress with a grey shawl draped over her shoulders. Her hands were covered by thick black gloves and she held a cluster of grey-green weeds in both of them. Even from a distance, 481 could see her wrinkled, thin neck and wrists as she tended to the garden.
It’s her… This frail old woman is the person the Leader needed three experienced Gifted to hunt down.
“What are you doing here?” the woman said, looking up from the ground.
481 stifled a gasp and grabbed at his sword. His ruined fingers fumbled around the hilt and it slipped out of his grip. Cursing under his breath, he switched quickly to his left hand. He tensed, ready to rush forward, but the woman did not turn around or stand up. Instead, she stayed hunched over the ground, tending to the plants while a gentle breeze blew through the garden, tousling her hair. Only then did she look up at the sky, as though someone tall was standing directly before her.
“Why won’t you tell me who you are?” the village woman said. She spoke with a quiet, silvery voice. “I’d love to know more about you.”
What is she doing? Talking to herself like that… Is she mad?
481 frowned and pursed his lips together. Gingerly, he took a step forward, but before he could approach the target someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He glanced to his right and saw the Leader standing behind him, a finger held to her lips. 481 bowed his head and let her go on ahead without him.
“Stand up,” the Leader said, drawing her sword. Her eyes were fixed on the village woman, and her normally grey irises glowed an eerie white as the air around them drew still. “Your time is up, traitor. We’re taking you back to the Council.”
The village woman stood up, glancing at the moon before she turned to face the Leader. Her pale blue eyes remained impassive as a steely wind current wound its way over her body, immobilising her.
“I wondered how long it would take,” the villager said quietly. “Everywhere I go, he always seems to find me. Two years is a long time, though. Longer than I thought, but…. Never mind. We both know you won’t hold me for long.”
The Leader beckoned at 481. He hurried forward. “I know why you came to this village, traitor,” she said, her eyebrows narrowing. “I know you came back to be with your son, your grandchildren. We found them first.”
The woman’s expression changed instantly. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth for a moment, swallowing and closing it quickly.
“Any sign of resistance, and they all die,” The Leader continued in a low voice. “Do I make myself clear?”
The woman nodded, all colour draining from her cheeks. The Leader smiled, glancing at 481 and jerking her head in the traitor’s direction.
“481, bind her please. Quickly.”
481 bowed, hurrying as fast as he could to the villager’s side. He pushed against the air like he was wading through a wall of mud, gritting his teeth. When he reached her, 481 took a thick metal chain from his belt and wound it around the woman’s bony wrists. He tightened them until the steel rings cut into her skin and she let out a gasp. Once she was chained, the air settled and the Leader’s eyes faded back into grey. She strode forward and grabbed the woman by the left elbow, while 481 held onto her right.
“Back to headquarters now,” she said shortly, jerking the woman forward so violently she and 481 almost lost their balance. “We will take a carriage back to the Fortress. Her family will be taken for questioning also, but they will not be killed unless she resists.”
481 nodded, gripping their captive’s arm tightly as they made their way back through the village. When he glanced up at the nearby buildings, he saw candles burning in the windows and the faces of many nonGifted peering down at them, their eyes wide and fearful. A few had even taken in to the streets, watching from the alleyways as the two Gifted marched the traitor through the village streets. When they reached the town square, 373 and 571 were standing beside a large carriage with two draft horses attached and a thrall siting in the driver’s seat. Another three horses were tied to a nearby fence post, saddled and ready to go. Two new Gifted women, who 481 presumed were the current supervisors of the village, stood beside a dark-haired, middle-aged man and two young children. The man’s brow was sweaty and his shoulders shook with every breath. The children cried silently, their arms wrapped around each other.
“Mother!” the man called as they approached, his voice cracking. Murmurs swept through the growing crowd as more nonGifted left their homes to watch the scene unfolding before them. “I – I’m sorry... They were holding a knife to Josie and I couldn’t –“
“It’s alright, Eddie,” the woman said quickly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. Just – do as they say, and you’ll all be fine.”
“They should just let us go,” her son said hotly, his shoulders heaving as a tear ran down his cheek. “Gifted, please listen… My mother is harmless, truly. She – she just wanted to see her family again. Please, let her stay with us. She’s not hurting anyone. Please, just -”
“Don’t say anything,” the traitor interrupted, shaking her head as they reached the other Gifted. 373 stepped forward and yanked her arm away from 481’s grasp, and pushed her forcefully up the steps into the carriage. She craned her neck towards her son, gasping with pain as the Gifted man twisted her elbow. “Please Eddie, don’t fight them. I –“
Her words became muffled as 373 forced a cloth gag into her mouth, tying it so tightly behind her head that she groaned. The Leader stepped forward, her eyes narrowed into slits as she regarded the crowd. Fearful faces stared back at her. One girl in particular caught 481’s eye. A tall, thin, dark-haired teenager stood on top of the stone well’s wall, craning her neck for a better look. Her bright blue eyes shone through the dim moonlight, a wisp of tangled hair caught in her lip. 481 frowned. The longer he stared at her, the more he had a sense that they had met before.
“This woman is a traitor,” the Leader said, her voice cutting through the night air and distracting 481 from his musings. He blinked, clearing his throat, focusing his attention back on the Gifted woman.
“She deserted her duties in this village long ago for a different life,” the Leader continued, “a life of crime and treason. She ran from Gifted rule, but now that she’s decided she’d be more comfortable in one of our towns, she has returned and put every one of you in danger. She’s been stealing your hard-earned rations without lifting a finger to help. So we will be taking her and the traitors who harboured her, but the rest of you need not be harmed. Go back to your homes or I will arrest the whole village.”
The crowd went quiet. Pursing her lips, the Leader turned back to the carriage and climbed onto her bay gelding as rain started to fall again. A distant crack of thunder sounded as 481 hurried towards the traitor’s family, shivering and drawing his cloak closer to his body. 571 arrived first and placed her hands around the children’s shoulders. Gently, she started leading them towards the carriage. Their sobs intensified and the girl looked back and reached towards her father. The Gifted woman continued to lead them away, her face remaining impassive.
The man stared at his children, his jaw tense and his eyebrows knotted. He glanced at the woman holding him and raised his foot, kicking backwards into her shin. She swore and let him go, wincing and grabbing for her sword, her eyes flashing red. The man ran forward, yelling words that 481 thought must be his children’s names. The Gifted man acted quickly, running forward and raising his left hand to the sky. Rain drops settled against his palm hardened into an icy dagger. 481 grabbed for the man’s collar clumsily with his right hand and pressed the point firmly against the villager’s throat. The nonGifted man’s breath shuddered and the blade steamed where small beads of blood spilled over the edge.
“One wrong move…” 481 warned.
The man’s eyes were wide and shaking as he watched 373 and 571 loading his mother and children into the carriage. 481 pulled the man towards the door, wincing as stabbing pains shot up his arm the longer he clenched his crippled fingers.
I can do it. I can’t let them see me struggle.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as the man continued to struggle against him. He reached up and grabbed 481’s hands, twisting his wrists. 481 swore under his breath as his grip on the man’s collar loosened. Finally free, the nonGifted man slipped under 481’s right arm and wrestled the icy dagger from his grip. The man ran clumsily towards the carriage as gasps escaped from the crowd. 481 swore out loud and dashed towards his prisoner, his eyes flashing an icy blue.
My hand might be crippled, but I still have my Gift.
Water burst from the palms of his hand, snaking through the air and slipping under the nonGifted man’s feet as he ran. He slipped and stumbled while the wave grew more intense, pushing him back until he was pressed against the stone fence. The water hardened into a thick wall of ice. The man struggled against his bindings, yelling curses. 481 raised his sword with his left hand and shoved the steel blade into the man’s throat. Multiple villagers screamed as the traitor coughed, spraying blood all over 481’s face. Frowning, the Gifted man blinked and wiped the droplets away with the back of his sleeve and withdrew the sword, sheathing it without wiping away the blood.
“Dad, no… ” The male child’s voice through the night air, cracking on every syllable. 481 looked up and saw him and his sister staring at their father’s bleeding body, their cheeks white. The traitor woman was crying too, her sobs choking against the gag. She fell to her knees, her shoulders shaking. 373 forced her to her feet and pushed her and the children back into the carriage, slamming the door behind them.
“He was innocent!” a man’s voice cried, unidentifiable among the crowd. “You – you killed him. Eddie never hurt anyone!”
Multiple voices yelled in agreement. The rain intensified and 481 lifted his sword threateningly towards the crowd.
“Stay back!” 481 commanded, but the villagers continued to inch forward, many clenching their fists as though ready to jump forward and fight. 481’s eyes fell on the same girl he had spotted before. Her hair was wet and stringy, sticking to her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. She was staring at the man 481 had killed with wide eyes. Multiple men and women rushed past the teenager and threw themselves at the Gifted. 481 pushed them back with a wave of water, gritting his teeth and slashing his sword forward.
“Stop!”
The air around them swirled and roared, rain drops splattering in all directions. The dark-haired girl jumped behind the well to avoid the gust, but the rest of the villagers stumbled backwards. A wave of wind spiralled around the crowd, trapping them in a circle in the middle of the village square. The Leader jumped down from her horse and walked slowly towards the nonGifted villagers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Her eyes flashed and slowly, the villagers started to cough, falling to the ground and clutching at their throats.
“Stop now,” the Leader said, her eyes narrowing as the villagers gasped for air. “You have no chance against us.”
She turned away and climbed back onto her horse. She lifted her hood and kicked her horse’s sides. He trotted forward, whinnying nervously while the air grew still again in his mistress’ wake. Breathing in deeply, the villagers slowly started to pick themselves up from the ground, their faces flushed. The dark-haired girl peeked her head over the top of the well, her face pale. She caught 481’s eye briefly before she turned and ran away, her boots slipping against the slick wet cobblestones. 481 glanced at 373, who was staring at the Leader’s retreating figure, his dark eyes wide.
“I…” he began, his voice hoarse. “I – I’ve never seen a Gift of Air with that kind of power. She… she truly is our Leader.”
481 nodded wordlessly, his throat too tight to speak. 373 opened the carriage door and stepped inside while 571 mounted her horse. 481 bowed his head towards the village Gifted, who were covering the traitor’s son with a woven sheet, and turned back towards his own mare. As he did so, a gust of wind blew around his head, even though the rain was falling in the opposite direction.
What was that? Is someone singing?
He frowned, straining his ears against the heavy rain. A gentle, mournful tune seemed to follow the wind, fading out as quickly as it appeared. He glanced up, wondering if 571 had heard it too, but she and the carriage had already left. Shaking his head, 481 mounted his horse and set off at a fast trot.
It was nothing. I’m just tired, clearly.
481 lifted his hood and urged his horse forward through the thundering rain. He closed his eyes, trying to picture the warm bed and fire waiting for him at the Fortress, but all he could see was a face in the wind.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 0
-I didn’t mention this before, but I like the fact that you switch between points-of-views. It allows the readers a diverse understanding of the story, as well as makes it more intriguing to read.
-It's nice to get a hint of Janelle's background; she always remained a mystery aside from her goal to over-throw the Gifted.
-Ooh, the Gifted are being sent to get rid of the Rebellion. Let the action begin!
December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child
I’m glad you like the POV changes, I hope they’re not too confusing ^^ I try and make it obvious who’s POV it is each time.
December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Carey’s warming up to 256, they’re gonna fall for each other… *Hums happily* Yeah, yeah, I’m a hopeless romance addict. It’s touching that 256 is more worried that she’d get hurt on the mission, rather than worrying that she’ll try to run away! Maybe this is a test of some kind by the Leader of her loyalty?
James seems interested in Jan. Is this going to be another couple? *looks hopeful* The background info on Jan helps to develop her character even more. For one thing, it establishes that she’s a homebody not a tomboy, and makes her role as leader all the harder to take up.
Editing: I think you mean ‘SEWING and knitting’ rather than sowing?
December 7, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Chapter: 0
I'm really wondering what the Leader's true motives are. I'm worried too. Sending Carey of all people outside, to deal with the resistance movement, seems like the worst idea ever, given her Gift, past and her eagerness to escape. I don't think that the Leader is so dumb, that he has no clue about it. Quite the opposite - I suspect he has some ulterior motive. Perhaps he plans to break Carey's spirit somehow.
The part with Janelle is a bit gloomy - I guess that the weight of the responsibility is too much for her to handle, at least alone, and she will have to understand this soon. I'm really rooting for them and I suspect, they will have new recruits (cough... Carey... cough... 256).
I was also wondering about Janelle and Samantha. I keep getting the feeling, that there is something more than friendship between the two. Hm, I wonder if it's a false alarm or is there more to it.
January 23, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
Chapter: 0
I think it's nice how 256 is worried that Carey is not ready. It implies that he cares what happens to her. I mean this is probably the first time he has let anyone get close to him. He also does not have his heart as guarded as I thought him to have. In his situation most people would be shielding their heart like crazy, but every now and then we can see cracks in his armor. I think that is because 256 is not very sure how emotions work because he has just said yes to everything.
Janelle is becoming a sad creature. Her heart is the most guarded. She does not want to let anyone in. When James and Emma tried to get in she wouldn't let them. It's funny how the one who had once been loved is the one with the shield, but I suppose that is because she knows the pain that it will cost her to lose the people she loves and 256 has never felt it before.
January 23, 2014 | S S Desai
Chapter: 0
The Leader is beginning to worry me. (yeah, as though he wasn't already worrying me before!) Shipping Carey and 256 to help put down the rebellion? He's up to something dastardly, I can feel it! Although perhaps Carey will soon come across a handful of revolutionaries hiding in a basement and decide to join in?
It's nice to see 256 is worried about Carey going on the mission as well. He really seems to care about what happens to her. I'm starting to see that he's not as much of a Gifted 'Yes Man' as I thought he was. He seems to have perhaps defied the Leader (and apparently lived to tell about it) once before. I wonder what he did?
Part of me kind of agrees with Janelle and her desire to train hard and long hours. They're up against an army of immensely powerful people and the only weapons they possess are two swords and a bundle of sticks. But while the others, or at least James, might not be taking things as seriously as he should, Janelle's at the other end of the spectrum altogether.
It seems like her responsibility as a leader of this revolution is starting to wear on her. I think she'll need someone to share the burden of leadership with if they're going to continue. Poor girl shouldn't have to shoulder all of that on her own. Anyway, I've rambled on long enough XD. Good chapter!
April 7, 2014 | Serina Truscott-Duvall
Heh, 256 is the type who tries really hard and wants to be a yes man, but it just never seems to work out for him xD He, like most of the characters in this story (Janelle, Marvin, Samantha…) has some secrets.
It’s funny, the Leader’s motives for doing this are never really explained (he does have them, but… it never really comes up). Maybe I should add them in, because people keep wondering about them (there is a spot I could do that, later on). Or maybe I should leave it ambiguous, I don’t know xD
April 7, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Your characterization was really strong in this chapter. 256 (eh...G...George?) was well conveyed. He seems like a nice guy, not giving in to the Leader's influence. Unless, like you implied, the Gifted are good...then it's a bad thing. But he does seem nice. It was cool how he smiled at Carey and called her by her name rather than 355.
So...did he try to defy the leader before? In he middle of their meeting he thought about it. It's strange, the Leader is worried about rebellion. He seems so confident, maybe it's just an outside thing.
James and Janelle were nicely written too. James seems like he doesn't care about what other people think when making his decisions, and is very direct. His perspective is interesting, and if he's really leaving, it might be a negative loss. He was just trying to make Janelle feel better, wasn't he? He and Emma, they both cared about her (showing it in different ways, which I like) but I guess it was natural for her to be annoyed.
Maybe James forgot that Janelle lost her sister, or didn't hear when she gave them her speech in the last chapter. I find it natural that she's being rather crabby, because she really wants to get her sister back and avenge her parents. Wait, were they taken away by the Gifted? Sorry, I keep forgetting. But yeah, she wants her sister back and James was sort of telling her to calm down, and slowing their progress. I think that he was right, but there could be some more understanding between the two. Oh, I'm not suggesting that you make it like that, by the way, just sharing my thoughts on your characters =)
I'm seeing the difference between Carey and Janelle. At first they both seemed determined and I guess feisty. But as the story progressed Carey became more determined than before and Janelle became more doubtful, like her former self. Janelle is a bit more unsure, thinking that they won't succeed, and Carey is more confident, maybe slightly mysterious, and carries herself (ha ha, see what I did there?) as if she's saying, "I have everything planned out and nothing's going to stop me." Of course, it might just be a mask, like with the Leader. She could be a bit insecure on the inside, as seen when she was writing to her family and crying.
Did you think I would go without saying the good and bad things about this chapter? I don't usually start with character analysis but it just came out that way. So as usual I'll be fussy first.
I'm sorry if this is annoying you, it's the last time I'm going to say it; I find your use of the present tense a bit awkward, as well as how you write questions. Here, this, and now don't sound right, question marks are okay, and the word "asked" is too. I know I used to do that too, it's probably in Welcome to Aodel, and if so you must be really annoyed =P I'm such a hypocrite.
Something about wording, near the beginning you said, "He could wait all night, for all she cared." You said "all" twice and...yeah...
One thing I'm not sure about is frowning with eyebrows, which to me seems extremely weird. What, does it look like this? --> ( >=/ ) Carey was doing that to Leader guy. I think people have done that a lot in this story.
By the end, when Emma was talking, I think you could take out the word "stuttering." It seems a little redundant, because of how she talked. Or just say "she stuttered" instead of "she said."
About the recruits, I'm glad that they got some more and all, but another thing (I'm just being picky here) is how you ended the third paragraph of Janelle's half of the story with "But they were improving every day..." Ending the sentence with ellipses makes it look more important, like the reader should think about the message in it. First of all, it seems to me like you shouldn't need punctuation to have an impactful sentence. Second, I got the impression that Janelle's recruits were letting her down, so having that particular thought (them improving every day) seems paradoxical. I'm sure you have your reasons, though. If I may just make a teeny suggestion, it might be interesting if they were all getting better except for James, and he was too busy playing music. That could give Janelle more reasons to be annoyed by him.
One last thing. Like in the previous chapter, at times I wasn't empathetic with the characters. What goes on in their heads and what goes on in mine aren't exactly the same. In this chapter it was only with 256 and his worrying about what the Leader was going to say to them, and when Janelle was upset with James (for the first few lines). Again, this might just be me (I get confused a lot =P) or you could be doing this to make it more intriguing. If not, what I usually do to prevent my characters from knowing more than the reader is having just a basic idea of the chapter's plot line before I write and letting it get more complicated as I go through the chapter. Then while writing I suddenly get a crazy idea in my head and think, Wow. I didn't expect that to happen. It's kind of like I'm experiencing the story from the perspective of my characters, knowing the major conflicts while unaware of what will lead to them, and it's more likely to show in the characters' reactions. It can be a little fun, but then again, this might not be the best idea if you get writer's block in the middle of your chapter, realize that things don't work because you should have planned more, or if the story doesn't come out the way you wanted it to. I guess it's a matter of weighing the advantages and disadvantages.
There were two things that I don't feel need to be changed, but thought were funny the way they were written. The first one was when Emma blushed and you said that she went pink. It's as if boys' cheeks get red when they're embarrassed and girls' cheeks get pink =) Also, at the end it looked like Janelle called Rosa "sweetie" because of the same-gender tag thing.
Well, this is going to be a long comment. Twice as long as the usual ones. I hope you aren't busy or anything. I haven't gotten to the good parts yet though. Like I said, I really like how you developed your characters, and the way they're weaved into each other and the plot. Their thoughts, dialog and actions are both natural and interesting. I liked how you described 256 and Carey training, and how Carey was mean but then felt bad. I thought it was a little funny when 256 accused her of cheating. I can guess what those two are going to do in the future, but it could be anything and I highly anticipate it. Janelle's future actions aren't so predictable, but her side of this chapter was nicely written because of her argument with James. It lets the reader choose a side, thinking about which one they agree with. I feel sorry for Janelle, because it's as if nobody understands her, and she seems to be negatively affected by Sam's absence.
I noticed that there are more bigger paragraphs here, but not too many and there's still small ones. Good job on that. The pacing was pretty good.
I realize that, although this comment was 1,319 words, there may be something that you want to know about what I think of the chapter that I haven't covered. If so, feel free to ask.
May 12, 2014 | David Boyce
Wow, that was a long comment :P It makes me feel my comments are inferior in comparison haha. Would you like me to try and write longer ones?
Janelle’s parents died around the same time her sister was born (her mother from childbirth, her father from pneumonia). So her sister was taken away after they died, leaving her alone. As for James, he is trying to help her, but he’s probably going about it the wrong way :P Thanks for all the tips again.
Well, 256 and Janelle do know more than the readers, really :P They both have secrets and are trying to forget about them, which will be revealed later. But these secrets still affect the way they think and act, particularly (like in this chapter, and in Janelle’s case the last one) when they are reminded of them. So when they speak and think like that it’s supposed to be intriguing. In this story, Carey fills the role of the audience surrogate character, in the sense that she doesn’t know more than the readers know and has no big secrets, but the other two are more mysterious, I suppose you could say. As for the blushing thing, I never really thought of the distinction like that. I more see “pink” blushing as just a small blush while “red” blushes are reserved for when the characters are really, really embarrassed, regardless of their gender :P
May 12, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Your comments certainly are not inferior =) I only write longs ones because I don't want to miss anything, and tend to get carried away. (How many bad Carrie puns can I make in these comments? =P) You could try writing longer comments if you want the challenge but any length is okay as long as you say what there is to say. Otherwise there could be a lot of fluff.
Sorry but I am not able to comment another chapter today. I have to make the edits on Welcome to Aodel according to your comments, and get to work on my new story. If you want I could start doing littler comments and getting more in, otherwise I can still give long ones. Either way is fine with me.
May 12, 2014 | David Boyce
I like your comments the way they are :) And take as long as you want, I don’t really have time at the moment to do much editing at the moment so there’s no rush.
May 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
"Carey smirked and turned herself invisible. 256 was taken aback, and his split second of confusion was all that Carey needed. She struck him hard in the belly, knocking the wind out of him and pushing him over.
“There. You’re dead,” Carey said triumphantly, smirking as she reappeared."
So far, probably my favorite little bit from the book. It was a creative way to throw some humor and Carey's gift together. She's a smart character, and I like her for it. Chapters with her are never dull.
Hmmm... Lake Village is the place Janelle's resistance is located, correct? If so, things are about to get interesting.
Poor Janelle. She reminds me of some people I know in my life, with her very "all work, no play" attitude, as well as a few fictional characters as well with her type of leadership. I wasn't taking sides on the argument, and I'm not sure if I should have, but the ending certainly helped give some vulnerability to a character who could use some.
June 6, 2014 | A . Nonymous
Chapter: 0
Sounds like Carey is getting quicker on the draw--with her power, at least. :P I feel sorry for 256, but Carey made a good point--not unlike what 256 made before, too. You can't just rely on your powers; you require skill too, and when up against the enemy, they won't go easy on you. I guess they're both learning from one another. ;)
Hmm...I'm curious as to what 256 did in the past to defy the Leader? I don't think it was something you've shown in the story yet, so it'll be interesting to learn more about him and his past.
There were a couple of times (throughout that first scene) where you put "he" or "him" in reference to the Leader. Just thought I'd let you know. ^^;
I suspect she wants one of two things: 1) To be rid of Carey, because she knows she's a wild card, or 2) She hopes the mission will break her, make her more docile and less of a threat (being a rare talent that she is). I can see why 256 assumed the first; I thought it, too. I guess I'll see how it plays out. :)
When James said he had a life outside of training, you omitted a quotation mark (you know, when he's blocking Janelle on the stairs).
It's good to see you releasing a little bit of Janelle's past, here and there. Just enough to catch the reader's interest, but not so much that it overwhelms them.
Overall, it was a pretty good chapter. :)
May 2, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer
Thanks for the comment! Haha, they definitely have a lot to learn from each other. Kind of like the Gifted and the nonGifted, I suppose ;)
Oops. The Leader was originally a man, but I ran into some issues later on with too many male characters so I decided to change her gender. Anyway, if you see any more he’s and him’s I’d be very grateful if you pointed them out :P
Anyway, 256 definitely has a few secrets from his past that haven’t been revealed yet. So does Janelle, actually :3
May 2, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton
Just like I suspected, the leader had "gender reassignment" at some point :-) There are still a couple male pronouns on this chapter and one or two on the previous one as well, if you ever come back here for edits.
By the way, I know you'r working on the sequel already, but I thought I'd read this one first.
As for my opinion so far, I'm mostly in agreement with the other comments, except those who want to 'ship everything. (is that what young people call it these days?) I know a few of the young characters might naturally develop feelings of attraction for one another, and have no problem with that, but I'm not into immediate couplings, like some other readers.
Anyway, I know I'm commenting on old stuff, so I'll just keep plodding along quietly until I get closer to the present.
So far, you've earned by limited ADHD attention.
April 19, 2018 | N. R. Nazario
Hey, thanks for the comment! Haha, you’re right, the Leader most certainly went through a gender change at one point :) Unfortunately, it only happened when I started writing Cursed so I predict this won’t be the last chapter where you notice the accidental usage of male pronouns when referring to the Leader :P Anyway, please feel free to point out any errors you see while you’re reading Gifted. You’re right that I’m not currently editing it (at least, aside from a few changes here and there), but I do plan to go back to this story in the future because, well, it needs a lot of work. I wrote this a long time ago and there’s a lot I want to rewrite and change. But right now I’m more motivated to continue the series rather than work on fixing Gifted’s many problems, so I’ve just left it the way it is. Still, once I’ve finished the entire story I know I’ll have more motivation to go back and fix Gifted up, so if you notice any errors or things that irk you feel free to mention them and I’ll add them to the long, long list of things I intend to fix :) Anyway, thank you again for reading this! It means a lot to me :)
April 19, 2018 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Another brilliant chapter! I liked this one because of the narrative hook it ends on; Carey going to the rebel base and Janelle's revelation that her being an orphan is her fault!! I mean let me breathe!
Carey and 256 are awesome. I'm warming up to 256 more, he is genuinely worried for Carey's sake and that's nice to see. Carey seems to be getting on with him to. I'm really curious about him now, he is unlike most of the other Gifted and he constantly hints as some dire event that caused him to defy the Leader and the death of his trainer. I think that may be the cause of his nervous disposition? I'm really curious about him, he seems like a realistic character :)
My mouth legit fell open when the Leader told Carey and 256 to go on the mission to the Lake Village. I mean... what sort of tea is she serving? I want to know her intentions but I CAN'T! Does she want Carey dead? Does she want to see if she'd run away? She couldn't want her dead because her Gift is so rare or does she just want to see if an action setting will trigger its power? I guess I'll find out :L
(Again the only issue I have is the ******** as a point of changing POV, sometimes I don't notice it and Janelle is talking with the leader :L)
I really like Janelle's section as well. I am a sucker for personal character development. Her drive is admirable and I can commend it and its also v relatable for me cause I have a habit of hiding my feelings :L I just hope the stress of the situation and leadership doesn't have to hard a tole on her :L
February 16, 2016 | deactivated account
Thanks for the comments! I’m glad Janelle is relatable. She’s dealt with a lot in her short lifetime and as a result she really lacks self-confidence. It’s a recurring problem for her throughout the story. I’m glad 256 is realistic, too. And he’s certainly got a few secrets, too xD And no worries about taking a while. It’s not like I’ve been all that punctual lately :/
February 17, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton