A bolt of lightning flashed between the distant trees, vivid white and blinding. To 481’s surprise, the horses did not startle. Instead, they trotted steadily onwards through the thundering rain, barely making a sound. The Gifted man shivered, drawing his grey, fur-lined cloak closer to his body with his left hand, gripping the reins as tightly as he could with his right. With every step his mare took, he felt his grip slipping. His fingers had never been the same since an assignment three years ago, when his right hand and wrist had been shattered by the blow of a rebel’s club.
I can’t let them see my weakness. The Leader herself chose me for this mission. If I do well, she may even recommend me for the Council. I don’t want her to see me as just a damn cripple.
“Shouldn’t we stop and find cover?” 373 called. 481 glanced to the left where his companion rode beside him. The younger man was sitting tall in his saddle despite the droplets trickling down his face, his eyebrows raised and his lips curved into a bemused smile. His question was directed at the Leader, who rode in front of them on a large bay gelding.
“No,” she said, turning when she spoke. She wore a long cloak similar to 481’s but hers was deep black and edged with gold. Her stark grey eyes narrowed, shadowed by her hood. “We ride on until we reach the village.”
373 bowed his head and touched his fist to his chest. When the Leader was facing forward again, he glanced at 481 and rolled his eyes.
“She’s been Leader for what, two months?” he said under his breath. “I’ve been leading expeditions for fifteen years. It’s not like we’re chasing after rebels, we’re just going to arrest some old village woman. It can wait until tomorrow morning, surely. If we keep going the horses will tire. They’ll stumble and fall.”
481 shrugged, glancing nervously at the Leader. I can’t let her hear any doubts. “I’m sure the Leader has her reasons,” he said evenly. He shivered, resisting the urge to chatter his teeth. “Maybe this woman is a rebel, or something else, I don’t know. There are known rebel groups in the south.”
“If that were the case, she would’ve told me at the very least,” said 373. He sat up straighter, adjusting the reins. “I’m in the Council now. We are privy to such information.”
You’re an up-jumped pretender. You’ve never fought in a real battle in your life, but somehow you managed to convince the Head Councilman to promote you. 481 gritted his teeth, clenching his injured fist as tightly as he could. It was he who should have had that position, he who should be wearing a black uniform. Instead, he was stuck with grey while a younger, vainer man took his place. His only hope now was that the Leader took a shine to him and recommended he be promoted. She could not appoint Council members herself, but 481 assumed the Head Councilman took her advice into account.
“What do you think?” 373 continued, oblivious. He raised his eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at the fourth member of their party, who rode steadily behind them on a dappled grey mare.
“It’s not our place to question the Leader,” the woman said quietly, her voice almost inaudible through the rain. They had set off from the fortress together at dawn, but in the twelve hours since 481 had yet to hear her speak. He knew her number, 571, from the mission briefing the Head Councilman had given him prior to their journey. She wore a grey uniform like him, but the dark green lining of her cloak and sleeves and the emerald encrusted timepiece hanging from her belt indicated she had the Gift of Earth.
“Fine,” said 373 shortly, rolling his eyes. He lowered his voice. “Don’t act like the two of you aren’t thinking the same thing.”
481 cleared his throat, shifting in his saddle. He glanced at the Leader, but she rode onward, with no change in her body language to suggest she had heard anything.
I’m not questioning her. She is our Leader now, and I must do as she asks. But… it is unusual, he’s right in that.
Leaders rarely travelled the Island, especially not for a mission that could be easily handled by even the most inexperienced of Gifted. The Head Councilman had read the mission briefing to 481 before he left the Fortress - they were to capture a certain village woman alive and bring her back for questioning. 481 had no idea what knowledge she had that could possibly be useful to the Leader and the Council. That information was classified, which he understood well enough. As an ordinary Gifted soldier, it wasn’t his place to question his orders. But the Head Councilman had shown him a sketch of their target too. She was a small, frail looking woman in her sixties with long white hair tied in a braid, barely indistinguishable from any other nonGifted villager. She would never be able to overpower a single fully trained Gifted, let alone four, so why the Leader felt she had to lead the mission herself was a mystery. Perhaps there was something else about this woman that made her capture vital. Or perhaps the Leader simply wanted to prove herself to the Gifted and her Council. Leaders served for life, but she was newly appointed and young. Her predecessor had been a strong, stable man, guiding both the Gifted and nonGifted for almost fifty years. Many in the Fortress, including 481 himself, had doubts over whether this young, unblooded woman could fill his shoes.
Lost in thought, 481 and his companions spent the rest of the journey in silence. They rode for an hour more, following the winding forest road south until it met the Great River. From there, it was only a short journey along the riverbank to Town 13, the farming village where their target was supposedly hiding. When they finally arrived it was well past sunset, and the rain had slowed to a steady drizzle.
“At last,” 373 said, yawning loudly as they followed a dirt path between two large, grassy fields. They were heading for a cluster of redbrick buildings visible at the bottom of the hill, where the river met the sea. “What are the headquarters like in these farming villages? I haven’t stayed in one for years. Are there decent beds? They have thralls, right –“
“We won’t be stopping yet,” the Leader interrupted from up ahead. “We will find the target and capture her, exchange our horses, then make our way back to the Fortress.”
“But that’ll take all night,” 373 protested, sitting up straighter in his saddle and puffing out his chest. “Sir, I know this mission is crucial to you, but if we ride all through the night we will only be tired and might make mistakes. She may overpower and escape us. We should stop and rest now, then in the morning –“
“If we stop to rest, she may hear of our arrival and run,” the Leader said. She turned to face her subordinates, her eyebrows narrowing. “I’m surprised you’re causing so much fuss. If you are truly Gifted, one sleepless night should be no trouble.”
373’s neck reddened and his dark brown eyes narrowed into slits. After a few seconds he placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head.
“Of course, sir,” he muttered through gritted teeth. 481 smirked, turning his head away so the Councilman couldn’t see. He tried catching 571’s eye, but her gaze was fixed on the Leader.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the dirt track turned into a cobblestone road that led into town. They followed the street until its end, where it widened into the central village square. The Gifted headquarters was located on the side of the square closest to the sea, facing inwards towards the town. It was a large, two-storey building with a tall, white stone fence surrounding the property. A large stable was located on the grounds, and to 481’s surprise the Leader took them straight there rather than greet the local Gifted. They left the horses behind with a fresh bale of hay and continued on foot, making their way back along the cobblestone road to the large communal buildings that made up most of the town. The Leader had them stick to the shadows, hurrying along in single file until they reached a red-brick dwelling that overlooked the river. It was one of the larger buildings in the village. From the size of it, 481 guessed there would be at least twenty rooms of varying sizes that each housed a nonGifted family inside.The Leader took her three followers to the nearest staircase, a large stone construct stuck onto the side of the building which led to the upstairs rooms.
“Our target is hiding in here,” said the Leader, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Room 14. It’s on the top floor. 571, you stay here and keep watch for anything suspicious. 373, you hurry to the second exit on the other side of this building. If she knows we are coming, she may try to escape that way. 481, you search around the other buildings. Make sure she isn’t hiding anywhere else. I will check Room 14.”
481 bowed deeply and turned around, making his way to the central courtyard that effaced the four largest communal buildings. When he was out of sight of his comrades, he let his lips break into a grin. It seemed to him that his job was the most crucial, after the Leader’s. If the target had tried to made an escape, it was he who would likely find her.
If I do I’ll capture her all by myself. It’s my chance to show the Leader what I can do. If I find and subdue this villager, she’ll recommend me to the Council for sure.
He moved swiftly through the streets, checking down every alley and corner he could find. The clouds shifted above him and for the first time that night, the full moon was visible in the sky. It shone brightly and aided his search, illuminating the cracked and scuffed brick walls, highlighting every nook and cranny. After ten minutes of searching, he finally reached the far side of the village, where the red brick buildings melted into vast farmlands. Gazing out at the silver dappled grass fields, 481 sighed and closed his eyes.
I suppose this is far enough. If she’s fled any further, we’re unlikely to find her tonight.
He turned around and was about to start back towards Room 14 when he a gust of wind blew past him and the rustling of leaves filled the air. Glancing towards the gentle sound, he noticed a small herb garden nestled between the paddock fence and the redbrick wall of the nearest communal building. Resting his ruined right hand on the hilt of his sword, he crept slowly towards the garden, coming to a stop outside the picket fence.
Just twenty feet away from him kneeled a small village woman with a long, messy white braid. Even from the back, her resemblance to the sketch was too great to be a coincidence. She was dressed in simple village garb; a dirty brown woollen dress with a grey shawl draped over her shoulders. Her hands were covered by thick black gloves and she held a cluster of grey-green weeds in both of them. Even from a distance, 481 could see her wrinkled, thin neck and wrists as she tended to the garden.
It’s her… This frail old woman is the person the Leader needed three experienced Gifted to hunt down.
“What are you doing here?” the woman said, looking up from the ground.
481 stifled a gasp and grabbed at his sword. His ruined fingers fumbled around the hilt and it slipped out of his grip. Cursing under his breath, he switched quickly to his left hand. He tensed, ready to rush forward, but the woman did not turn around or stand up. Instead, she stayed hunched over the ground, tending to the plants while a gentle breeze blew through the garden, tousling her hair. Only then did she look up at the sky, as though someone tall was standing directly before her.
“Why won’t you tell me who you are?” the village woman said. She spoke with a quiet, silvery voice. “I’d love to know more about you.”
What is she doing? Talking to herself like that… Is she mad?
481 frowned and pursed his lips together. Gingerly, he took a step forward, but before he could approach the target someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He glanced to his right and saw the Leader standing behind him, a finger held to her lips. 481 bowed his head and let her go on ahead without him.
“Stand up,” the Leader said, drawing her sword. Her eyes were fixed on the village woman, and her normally grey irises glowed an eerie white as the air around them drew still. “Your time is up, traitor. We’re taking you back to the Council.”
The village woman stood up, glancing at the moon before she turned to face the Leader. Her pale blue eyes remained impassive as a steely wind current wound its way over her body, immobilising her.
“I wondered how long it would take,” the villager said quietly. “Everywhere I go, he always seems to find me. Two years is a long time, though. Longer than I thought, but…. Never mind. We both know you won’t hold me for long.”
The Leader beckoned at 481. He hurried forward. “I know why you came to this village, traitor,” she said, her eyebrows narrowing. “I know you came back to be with your son, your grandchildren. We found them first.”
The woman’s expression changed instantly. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth for a moment, swallowing and closing it quickly.
“Any sign of resistance, and they all die,” The Leader continued in a low voice. “Do I make myself clear?”
The woman nodded, all colour draining from her cheeks. The Leader smiled, glancing at 481 and jerking her head in the traitor’s direction.
“481, bind her please. Quickly.”
481 bowed, hurrying as fast as he could to the villager’s side. He pushed against the air like he was wading through a wall of mud, gritting his teeth. When he reached her, 481 took a thick metal chain from his belt and wound it around the woman’s bony wrists. He tightened them until the steel rings cut into her skin and she let out a gasp. Once she was chained, the air settled and the Leader’s eyes faded back into grey. She strode forward and grabbed the woman by the left elbow, while 481 held onto her right.
“Back to headquarters now,” she said shortly, jerking the woman forward so violently she and 481 almost lost their balance. “We will take a carriage back to the Fortress. Her family will be taken for questioning also, but they will not be killed unless she resists.”
481 nodded, gripping their captive’s arm tightly as they made their way back through the village. When he glanced up at the nearby buildings, he saw candles burning in the windows and the faces of many nonGifted peering down at them, their eyes wide and fearful. A few had even taken in to the streets, watching from the alleyways as the two Gifted marched the traitor through the village streets. When they reached the town square, 373 and 571 were standing beside a large carriage with two draft horses attached and a thrall siting in the driver’s seat. Another three horses were tied to a nearby fence post, saddled and ready to go. Two new Gifted women, who 481 presumed were the current supervisors of the village, stood beside a dark-haired, middle-aged man and two young children. The man’s brow was sweaty and his shoulders shook with every breath. The children cried silently, their arms wrapped around each other.
“Mother!” the man called as they approached, his voice cracking. Murmurs swept through the growing crowd as more nonGifted left their homes to watch the scene unfolding before them. “I – I’m sorry... They were holding a knife to Josie and I couldn’t –“
“It’s alright, Eddie,” the woman said quickly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. Just – do as they say, and you’ll all be fine.”
“They should just let us go,” her son said hotly, his shoulders heaving as a tear ran down his cheek. “Gifted, please listen… My mother is harmless, truly. She – she just wanted to see her family again. Please, let her stay with us. She’s not hurting anyone. Please, just -”
“Don’t say anything,” the traitor interrupted, shaking her head as they reached the other Gifted. 373 stepped forward and yanked her arm away from 481’s grasp, and pushed her forcefully up the steps into the carriage. She craned her neck towards her son, gasping with pain as the Gifted man twisted her elbow. “Please Eddie, don’t fight them. I –“
Her words became muffled as 373 forced a cloth gag into her mouth, tying it so tightly behind her head that she groaned. The Leader stepped forward, her eyes narrowed into slits as she regarded the crowd. Fearful faces stared back at her. One girl in particular caught 481’s eye. A tall, thin, dark-haired teenager stood on top of the stone well’s wall, craning her neck for a better look. Her bright blue eyes shone through the dim moonlight, a wisp of tangled hair caught in her lip. 481 frowned. The longer he stared at her, the more he had a sense that they had met before.
“This woman is a traitor,” the Leader said, her voice cutting through the night air and distracting 481 from his musings. He blinked, clearing his throat, focusing his attention back on the Gifted woman.
“She deserted her duties in this village long ago for a different life,” the Leader continued, “a life of crime and treason. She ran from Gifted rule, but now that she’s decided she’d be more comfortable in one of our towns, she has returned and put every one of you in danger. She’s been stealing your hard-earned rations without lifting a finger to help. So we will be taking her and the traitors who harboured her, but the rest of you need not be harmed. Go back to your homes or I will arrest the whole village.”
The crowd went quiet. Pursing her lips, the Leader turned back to the carriage and climbed onto her bay gelding as rain started to fall again. A distant crack of thunder sounded as 481 hurried towards the traitor’s family, shivering and drawing his cloak closer to his body. 571 arrived first and placed her hands around the children’s shoulders. Gently, she started leading them towards the carriage. Their sobs intensified and the girl looked back and reached towards her father. The Gifted woman continued to lead them away, her face remaining impassive.
The man stared at his children, his jaw tense and his eyebrows knotted. He glanced at the woman holding him and raised his foot, kicking backwards into her shin. She swore and let him go, wincing and grabbing for her sword, her eyes flashing red. The man ran forward, yelling words that 481 thought must be his children’s names. The Gifted man acted quickly, running forward and raising his left hand to the sky. Rain drops settled against his palm hardened into an icy dagger. 481 grabbed for the man’s collar clumsily with his right hand and pressed the point firmly against the villager’s throat. The nonGifted man’s breath shuddered and the blade steamed where small beads of blood spilled over the edge.
“One wrong move…” 481 warned.
The man’s eyes were wide and shaking as he watched 373 and 571 loading his mother and children into the carriage. 481 pulled the man towards the door, wincing as stabbing pains shot up his arm the longer he clenched his crippled fingers.
I can do it. I can’t let them see me struggle.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as the man continued to struggle against him. He reached up and grabbed 481’s hands, twisting his wrists. 481 swore under his breath as his grip on the man’s collar loosened. Finally free, the nonGifted man slipped under 481’s right arm and wrestled the icy dagger from his grip. The man ran clumsily towards the carriage as gasps escaped from the crowd. 481 swore out loud and dashed towards his prisoner, his eyes flashing an icy blue.
My hand might be crippled, but I still have my Gift.
Water burst from the palms of his hand, snaking through the air and slipping under the nonGifted man’s feet as he ran. He slipped and stumbled while the wave grew more intense, pushing him back until he was pressed against the stone fence. The water hardened into a thick wall of ice. The man struggled against his bindings, yelling curses. 481 raised his sword with his left hand and shoved the steel blade into the man’s throat. Multiple villagers screamed as the traitor coughed, spraying blood all over 481’s face. Frowning, the Gifted man blinked and wiped the droplets away with the back of his sleeve and withdrew the sword, sheathing it without wiping away the blood.
“Dad, no… ” The male child’s voice through the night air, cracking on every syllable. 481 looked up and saw him and his sister staring at their father’s bleeding body, their cheeks white. The traitor woman was crying too, her sobs choking against the gag. She fell to her knees, her shoulders shaking. 373 forced her to her feet and pushed her and the children back into the carriage, slamming the door behind them.
“He was innocent!” a man’s voice cried, unidentifiable among the crowd. “You – you killed him. Eddie never hurt anyone!”
Multiple voices yelled in agreement. The rain intensified and 481 lifted his sword threateningly towards the crowd.
“Stay back!” 481 commanded, but the villagers continued to inch forward, many clenching their fists as though ready to jump forward and fight. 481’s eyes fell on the same girl he had spotted before. Her hair was wet and stringy, sticking to her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. She was staring at the man 481 had killed with wide eyes. Multiple men and women rushed past the teenager and threw themselves at the Gifted. 481 pushed them back with a wave of water, gritting his teeth and slashing his sword forward.
“Stop!”
The air around them swirled and roared, rain drops splattering in all directions. The dark-haired girl jumped behind the well to avoid the gust, but the rest of the villagers stumbled backwards. A wave of wind spiralled around the crowd, trapping them in a circle in the middle of the village square. The Leader jumped down from her horse and walked slowly towards the nonGifted villagers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Her eyes flashed and slowly, the villagers started to cough, falling to the ground and clutching at their throats.
“Stop now,” the Leader said, her eyes narrowing as the villagers gasped for air. “You have no chance against us.”
She turned away and climbed back onto her horse. She lifted her hood and kicked her horse’s sides. He trotted forward, whinnying nervously while the air grew still again in his mistress’ wake. Breathing in deeply, the villagers slowly started to pick themselves up from the ground, their faces flushed. The dark-haired girl peeked her head over the top of the well, her face pale. She caught 481’s eye briefly before she turned and ran away, her boots slipping against the slick wet cobblestones. 481 glanced at 373, who was staring at the Leader’s retreating figure, his dark eyes wide.
“I…” he began, his voice hoarse. “I – I’ve never seen a Gift of Air with that kind of power. She… she truly is our Leader.”
481 nodded wordlessly, his throat too tight to speak. 373 opened the carriage door and stepped inside while 571 mounted her horse. 481 bowed his head towards the village Gifted, who were covering the traitor’s son with a woven sheet, and turned back towards his own mare. As he did so, a gust of wind blew around his head, even though the rain was falling in the opposite direction.
What was that? Is someone singing?
He frowned, straining his ears against the heavy rain. A gentle, mournful tune seemed to follow the wind, fading out as quickly as it appeared. He glanced up, wondering if 571 had heard it too, but she and the carriage had already left. Shaking his head, 481 mounted his horse and set off at a fast trot.
It was nothing. I’m just tired, clearly.
481 lifted his hood and urged his horse forward through the thundering rain. He closed his eyes, trying to picture the warm bed and fire waiting for him at the Fortress, but all he could see was a face in the wind.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 0
-Just a suggestion, there are some areas where you can combine phrases together. Ex: The older man cleared his throat, filing away the form. “Well, we don’t have any of their clothes prepared at the moment, so for now you’ll have to stay in… that.” Since it’s the older man who was talking, it’s fine to place his line immediately after his description.
Carey’s got quite the spirit; I admire her for keeping on fighting.
December 1, 2013 | Luna's Child
Chapter: 0
Plot-wise, it’s rather hard to accept that the ladies would trust Marvin so easily, and that he in turn would agree to help them straightaway. I think it’s because you haven’t made it clear enough that the majority of people are against the Gifted, which would make this partnership more believable. However, the fact that Marvin has no illusions about their chances of success helps to temper this somewhat.
On the part of Carey, I like that she’s beginning to see that the Gifted are not what she has assumed them to be, and I still like the interaction between her and 256 very much. It also seems that 256 is starting to think about his own situation due to her questions, and that could be a significant development.
Editing: our father soon after... (missing word after ‘father’)
December 2, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Janelle doesn’t completely trust him yet, but she was so excited that they had a plan and their mission was going somewhere that she loses some of her reason… Later she does question whether she should trust him or not. Still, I should probably make this clearer :P
December 2, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
It's been forever since I read this story- I kinda forgot about it. It took a while to remember what all had happened in the last chapters, but I found they all fell back into place quickly. One thing I'd still suggest is marking when you change POVs, it gets confusing sometimes.
Janelle and Samantha's story finally seems to be going somewhere- I knew it was all along but now their plotline is really picking up. I have a feeling somewhere that they will all intertwine at some point or another.
I've forgotten to mention this before, but Carey is a well-written and well fleshed out character. She's a fine heroine. (-:
January 2, 2014 | A . Nonymous
Haha no worries, I forgot about your story too XD To be honest, I don’t really want to put “Someone’s POV” because the changes happen so often and I think they interrupt the flow of the story… I don’t like reading stories that do that, if it happens all the time. Still, maybe I should swallow my pride and put them in anyway, if it’s confusing…
I’m glad you like Carey, originally when I came up with this story she was the only POV character, so I think in the earlier chapters she stands out a lot more than the other two :P
January 3, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Well done, you showed Janelle's background story without trapping readers in a boredom trap. The retrospection was just right, not too long, but it served its purpose. About Janelle, it occurred to me that she's old. From what I figured out, "Gifted" is set in a medieval-like world and then the unmarried girls at the proud age of 20 were already considered almost old maidens ;-) But, being still unmarried wouldn't be odd if the girl didn't have a dowry and I believe that would be Janelle's situation.
Anyway, I'm siding with the revolutionists. Gifted remind me of a bit of Church in the Middle Ages - doing nothing really productive, but robbing poor farmers of their crops.
I was a bit surprised that Janelle and Samantha had absolutely no clue where they were going, but I guess their enthusiasm took over. I suspect they will forge contact with the real revolutionists (or build the organization themselves) and become full-fledged warriors for equality.
Marvin has a special place in my heart as a genuinely good person.
Now back to Carey (I was waiting to find out what trouble will she stir for 256). She's a bit foolish - she has the right idea, but she carries her plans out wrong. I'm with 256 on this one - she should really stop telling him her plans and use an element of surprise.
Giving the newcomers numbers in place of their names reminds me of German concentration camps during the WWII. The fact, that the Council wants the Gifted to stay in their rooms and not contact each other is an unsettling hint too.
January 20, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
Yeah, she is rather foolish when she’s angry. Carey’s rather hot-blooded, so when she gets angry she tends to say things without thinking. It gets her into trouble more than a few times ;)
Heh, Janelle’s exact age is given later. She’s 23. Although this story is set in a medievalish setting, because there’s no true middle/upper class (the Gifted are probably the closest thing, but obviously they’re far different from your average class) it’s a bit more liberal in terms of marriage and gender equality than the true medieval period. But still, Janelle’s rather old for an unmarried woman XD But then, she did have a baby sister to raise by herself, so she didn’t exactly have time to scout out future partners :3
January 20, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Seems legit ;-)
I hope you don't mind me nit-picking everything I can find - that's a nasty habit of mine. Overall your story is consistent and I didn't manage to find any major plot holes (I tried, trust me).
January 20, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
No, I don't mind at all :) I'm not a very experienced writer, so feel free to nitpick as much as you want, I definitely need it :P
January 20, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I don't really see the Gifted as evil. When I first read your summary I assumed they were the ones being oppressed because in most novels is that not the way it is? The ones that are the most different because they are "better" or "gifted" are the ones that are prosecuted, but I like how in this case it is the opposite. I feel sympathy for 256. He clearly knows more than he his letting on. Carey is a tad on the reckless side, in my opinion. I also like that whatever is on her mind, she blurts out. Of course if she continues to blurt out her plans things are not going to go too smoothly for her. 256 gained my sympathy. I feel sorry for him, and I can't blame him for the crimes of others.
Out of curiosity what is exactly is the relationship between Janelle and Samantha. I don't mean to make assumptions, but at times they seem like nothing more than strangers, and then friends, and then a couple. I was just wondering what your plans with them were.
January 23, 2014 | S S Desai
Janelle and Samantha are close friends, and they have great trust in each other. However, because they’re both so secretive (particularly Samantha) there is a bit of a rift between them sometimes.
January 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Another good chapter! Carey is reckless! She really should take 256's advice and stop telling everyone her escape plans. Not that she could actually escape from the Gifted anyway, but she should still keep her mouth shut on that topic.
I liked Marvin. He seems like a really good guy. I did find it odd that Janelle and Sam trusted him so quickly and flat out told him that they were planning to overthrow the government within minutes of meeting him. I would have been afraid he would turn me in for a reward! Although, the Gifted don't really seem like people that would go around offering rewards... Perhaps all the unGifted hate the Gifted and therefore wouldn't turn in those working against them regardless? I don't know, just something I noticed.
Overall, great chapter. I enjoyed finding out a little more of Janelle and Sam's backstory, although now I'm really interested in learning even more of Sam's. She got secrets, I think.
March 22, 2014 | Serina Truscott-Duvall
Carey’s the sort of person who when she’s angry blurts out whatever’s on her mind. If she really wants to escape she’ll need to learn to stop doing that ;)
As for Janelle and Sam trusting Marvin, that is expanded on more in the next chapter. In this one Janelle was really just very excited their mission was going somewhere so she was more trusting than she probably should have been. As for Sam’s backstory, there are little hints here and there but it’s quite a while until all is revealed… ;)
March 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Oh, that's interesting. It looks like Janelle and Samantha are going to get what they came for. I wonder how they're going to prepare. Their plan of breaking in and swinging swords can't possibly work. Maybe they're going to...hm. I think they're going to recruit a mini army or something. But if the G***** are good people, then attacking isn't such a great idea. Speaking of the G*****, something weird is going on. Nameless seems to disagree with some of their policies. I'm going to guess that the council is forcing their people to use their g***s to do bad, and the actual people aren't bad but the council is. That's my guess.
One thing that surprised me is how Janelle and Samantha walked 100 miles in what I interpreted to be a short amount of time. I once went on a-mile hike and it took two weeks. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something. Also, when they met Marvin, he shook Samantha 0_0 "s hand, then Samantha." Could be "then Samantha's." Sorry if I seem picky. There's a few more things. One is that Janelle told Marvin that they took her sister away about five years ago, while in chapter one she told herself that the next day would be four years. Halfway through the chapter, when you switch over to Carey's perspective, you forgot to put the asterisks. Near a third of the way in the chapter, the man "said nothing" and then said, "Of course." Did you mean to say that he didn't say anything for a few seconds, like he hesitated?
Besides that, I really liked this chapter. As much as I like the rest. Your actions and dialog are interesting, and not the kind of dialog where you know what someone is going to say before they say it - there's a little irony to keep the reader interested. I wasn't expecting Marvin to be Rosa's sister, or Samantha to speak up at his house, or Nameless (I keep forgetting his number) to show his emotions at the end like that. And it wasn't in an unrealistic way either, so great job with that. The little bits of background info on Janelle and Samantha was nice to know, including Janelle's age. I feel like I know them a little better now. I like the way you show the G*****s' characteristics in ways like their numbering system. They seem neat and organized, but they treat their own people like objects by not naming them.
I take it that they give different sets of clothing to people of different G***s? They didn't have any stealth clothing. Maybe they aren't prepared to deal with someone of that Gift (I'm going to spell that out from now on) and I want Carey to try using it to get away. She obviously doesn't know how though.
Sorry if this comment is too long. Do you want me to make them shorter? Is there anything you want me to add to or remove from these comments?
May 3, 2014 | David Boyce
Oh, the astericks. They weren’t in the story originally, but I decided to add them in to make it easier to distinguish between the POV changes. Anyway, I added them to the first two chapters and forgot about them, so thanks for reminding me :P I’ll go add them in to the other chapters.
And your comment size is fine, hehe.
May 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
This was a good build-up chapter: the doctor seems very pleasant, and I agree with his hesitancy to aid them; if I'd seen many others fail before because I encouraged them to undertake a dangerous task such as that, I'd feel the same way.
The girls seems to be growing as characters, too. Samantha is very blunt, but that's a good thing--it means she's less likely to lie about her intentions. She may be harsh (even without meaning to be), but she sounds loyal enough. :) It should be particularly interesting to see Janelle's character growth, since she's nowhere near as self-assured as her companion.
Critique:
The doctor nodded, rootling through a small drawer. (If I had to guess, you were caught between "rooting" and "rattling", there).
"Well, she was more than a sister to me. My mother died in childbirth, and my father died shortly after her that..." (It looks as though you wanted to phrase it, "died shortly after her" or "shortly after that", but once again, both came out). ^^;
I'm curious as to how the girls "know" the doctor is up to something; nothing about his mannerisms seemed outwardly suspicious, so I'm curious as to how they came to that conclusion. I also think the story would benefit with a bit more detail in regards to the environment--what does it look, smell, and feel like? Just some helpful tips, nothing more. :)
December 11, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer
Thanks for commenting! I’m glad that the characters are interesting :)
Lol, rootling is a word xD It means something similar to rummaging. It’s probably an Australian term or something, that’s happened to me a few times :P Anyway, thanks for the critique! :D
December 12, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Oh! Lol, I figured that's what he was doing (rummaging) I'd just never heard the term "rootling", before. Sorry, my bad. xD
And no trouble at all! ^^
December 12, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer
Chapter: 0
Janelle and Samantha are my favourites. I really liked this chapter as well, the descriptions at the start were really good and I could picture the lake and the city quite clearly.
Though I got slightly confused cause you say '...they stood outside the door to the doctor's house. It was a large well-kept looking building,' then you go on to say 'they at last found themselves at the doorstep of a fairly shabby-looking home.'
Another issue I had was how Samantha got Mervin to agree to help them. I mean, if Mervin had saw all these men and women with past ambitions to over a millennia old regime and doesn't want to see more lives wasted, he wouldn't want to see two young girls die. And yet all it took was for Samantha to be all mysterious and vouch for Janelle to convince him. It seems pretty unrealistic. A suggestion would be to have Samantha lie about some sob story and how she doesn't want any mother to feel how she did idk :L
I really enjoyed reading Samantha's exchange with Janelle on being average but special. It was sweet. It felt quite genuine and made Samantha more 'human' if that makes sense? It showed a vulnerable side to her, and it responds well. I also like to think Janelle has a slight crush on Samantha, she comments on how beautiful she is often.
Overall, it was another excellent chapter, aside from some small issues, I really enjoyed reading it and seeing a more soft side to Samantha :)
January 13, 2016 | deactivated account
Most people say they like Carey and 256’s story better than Janelle and Samantha’s at the beginning, so I’m glad that someone else feels the other way around :) Admittedly, their story is a lot slower than Carey and 256’s at the start, but I’ve edited it a lot to try and remedy that, and I’m glad it seems to have worked so some extent. As for that mess up with the house, I’m not really sure how that happened xD I was editing the introduction of this chapter to add to the description, but I must have left the original line (about it being well-kept – it’s supposed to be shabby) there by mistake :P Oops. I’ll fix it, thanks.
As for Marvin agreeing to quickly, yeah I agree :/ I wrote this a long time ago and I think I meant for it to be something like he’d seen some sort of “quality” in them that convinced him to help, but reading over it seems a very wishy-washy reason to me now xD I’ll change that around too at some point. Anyway, thanks for the comment!
January 14, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I was wondering what Samantha and Janelle were up to, so it was really nice that we got an entire chapter deticated to them, especially when they make it to a new city. Marvin sounds like a pretty interesting character, and we don't know enough about him to know where he got his information with the Gifted. He seems pretty noble, offering expensive herbs (I'll be honest, when he was asked why he was lying, I assumed you meant he lied about the herbs having any effect, so I was relieved when that wasn't the case!) The chemistry between Isabelle and Samantha is developing as well, it feels very genuine, and we get a bit more motivation for why they want to overthrow the Gifted.
I guess the one thing I would really say - and this is an incredibly small nitpick which you can absolutely ignore lmao - is that six chapters in the ordinary villagers have very brief interactions with the Gifted. Of course we have the great chapter with 256 previously, and the prologue sets things up nicely as well, but even adding more interactions with villagers talking about them under hushed whispers, or even a scene where we people give a wide bearth to somebody they suspect to be Gifted? That's just how I feel, because you're building them up quite well - and their own chapters give plenty of information - but it feels like there's a hole here than can be filled. (But that's just me, this story is excellent in building up characters and themes as it is, don't worry!)
April 2, 2020 | Danny Power Hallihan (Dormant)
Thanks so much for the comment! I’m glad you liked this chapter, and Marvin’s introduction. He (like most of these characters) has a few secrets, which you’ll find out in due course :P I’m glad you like how Janelle and Samantha’s relationship is developing too. Theirs is one of the core relationships in this series so I’m glad it seems believable.
Thanks for the critiques too! I’ll try and add more intrigue about the Gifted (particularly from the nonGifted’s side of things) into these early chapter. Thanks again :)
April 4, 2020 | Genevieve Middleton