The Finding, a Suspense story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

The Finding

By: Katie Patterson

Status: Completed

Summary:

A short story about a man traveling to Switzerland to save his daughter.

Created: October 9, 2013 | Updated: October 9, 2013

Genre : Suspense

Language : English

Reviews: 1 | Rating:

Comments: 2

Favorites: 0

Reads: 258


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1: The Finding 1168
Total Wordcount: 1168

Reviews (1)


  • D.M. Gergen

    This story is difficult to read due to the formatting of the dialogue, there is really no description, and the characters are fairly lackluster due to little time being taken to shape them into personalities beyond one or two characteristics. Then there are some glaring unrealistic details during the rushed ending that did not due the author justice in making this a suspenseful tale.

    Rating:
    October 10, 2013 Flag


Comments / Critiques


  • Reply

    This is going to be a harsh critique, so be warned in advance.  But also know I'm only giving you this critique since I think you have the skill to make this much better.  

    First, there was absolutely no character development or descriptions.  Even in a short story you need to give your readers at least some detail so their imaginations can do the rest.  At first I picture Danny to be in his twenties, then I pictured him to be in his fifties, folllowed by thirties since his daughter kept calling him daddy.  It's hard to care about what happens to a character when you can't even picture them.

    Second, what is "The Finding?" Is it a criminal organization?  Is it based in Switzerland? Or are they a foriegn group?  Why is Stacey even there to begin with?  Why aren't the police involved?  All of these questions can be answered in a matter of three or four sentences, thus keeping your word count low if that's the goal while providing at least a very basic background that will help readers to actually care about what's happening in the story.

    Third, why would Danny believe Jen when she said she thought that the farm was the place Stacey was being held?  Again, a little background (like if she was there when Stacey was captured) would help immensely with this.

    Fourth, your ending was rushed.  Why would the armed thugs just leave them in a "cell" that they could just run out of?  Is it a game?  Or are they stupid?  Why would Jen be near the cell when there are armed guards around and why is she the one to try to stop them?  Also what does she get out of all of this?  I don't see her motivation for what she's doing and therefore it makes her role in this story really lackluster.  And how did they escape from said farm, Stacey being shot and presumably bleeding with said guards, Alf, and Jen to make it the hospital?

    Finally, you have one of my biggest pet peeves, which is unrealistic/poorly described injuries and wounds.  So a broken arm and rib after being shot?  Is the arm injury from the gunshot wound or from falling after being shot?  Becuase right now I'm seeing a mechanism where the bullet has to enter the arm, strike the bone, pass through the arm, enter the thorax, strike a rib and either manage to stop at that point or pass harmlessly through her chest cavity, missing all the important vessels, lungs, heart, and spine to pass through the other side.  I HAVE seen some really lucky shots, aka most people being shot in that area would have had something important hit and been in very serious condition, but never have I seen a gunshot wound that hit a rib not also hit some of the lungs causing a pneumothorax or a piece of the broken rib also causing a similar outcome.  

    Now your gunshot wound could happen (although it is highly unlikely that she would be "just fine" with only a broken rib and a broken arm), but to make it more plausible you really have to at least describe the scene when she gets shot so we can see what her body is doing.  If Jen is on the ground because of the whole "tackling" part, I have to imagine the trajectory of the bullet is at an upwards angle.  If that's the case, again Stacey would have to be standing in a completely different way than I pictured for her to have that sort of wound.  Now not every reader is going to read that and call shenanigans, but you will have readers that work in law enforcement, forensics, health care, etc that will recognize when something isn't realistic and it would be the equivilant of removing the fourth wall in a play for that reader.  So if you are going to have an injury, do some basic research and go for simple.

    October 10, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    First off, you need to separate each different speaker into a different paragraph.  This first paragraph shouldn't really even exist as it is.  Actually all of your paragraphs are made up like this where you have back to back dialogue.  Example?  Second paragraph - She backed up into a corner with her legs crossed. "He's coming to find me. I bet he's already on his way right now." "Oh, is he?"-  Have you ever seen a book written like that?  The answer is no.  When in doubt on how to do something correctly in terms of format, grammar, and structure pick up any novel that's not Twilight or Fifty Shades of Gray and see how it's done.  I know that some people may quote artistic/creative license, but the reason ALL publishing houses follow the same basic rules is that no reader will continue a book if its difficult to follow who's speaking and what's going on.  That is the biggest editing thing you cna do for this piece.

    October 10, 2013 | D.M. Gergen