I.Am.Aidan.Ianess, a Science Fiction story | SparkaTale



By: Danny Power

Status: In Progress


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Created: May 3, 2016 | Updated: May 16, 2016

Genre : Science Fiction

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 12

Favorites: 4

Reads: 250

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    Comments / Critiques

    • Reply

      Glad to see you brought this back, I really enjoyed it

      May 4, 2016 | Niles Flynn

    • Reply

      And I really like this version as well. I look forward to reading more!

      May 4, 2016 | Niles Flynn

    • Reply

      Thank you very much! It's nice to be writing again. Whether or not I actually finish this project remains to be seen - but I regretted deleting the previous story of Aidan Ianess and I wanted to try it again. After five months of writers' block revisiting an idea was the best way forward. Thank you for reading at all!

      May 8, 2016 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      First of all, I hope you can understand my wordings.

      The reasons; other writers had told me that I'm writing in my Second Language; but, it's not. It's may be my third, fourth or fifth. And I'm trying to kill the narrator on my work ;D

      However, among the Languages I have, I can find plenty of detailed info on this Language.

      Your work is in detailed action already, nice going, and it's interesting.

      About the first person perspective. Actually, I've been trying to create a First Person and Third Person Game before; so I would say, I view your perspective on the Third Person Limited.

      Your only problem is; probably, on dangling and misplaced modifiers. And then, may be on comma splice.

      About writer's block, I hope, you've recovered already. Or maybe you can use this, some tips of mine:

      1. If you're writing on your comp, this is no good, your eyes will be pressured probably, and might be, this is the cause.

      2. I prefer if you'll write on the paper, or you'll edit on the paper. It's radiation free.

      3. Try using Dia.exe it's good on diagramming(use the database, don't use UML or etc for designing) if you'll learn how to use it. You can arrange the story's outlines more better. So, while writing on the paper, you can glance at the comp for the plot.

      Anyway, I can't really give any more detailed feedback. The reason is; I more specific to what feedback the writers are needed. So all I can say is, your work is already good. The third book probably, that I've read that focus on detailed action.

      Happy writings!

      -Hearm Jan

      May 9, 2016 | Hearm jan

    • Reply


      I can understand you just fine, don't worry. Thank you very much for your comment, I'm glad the descriptions are good. I hoped that people would understand what I was trying to create. 

      I'll use your tips, actually, and I will try my best to work on what you think needs improvement, thanks again for your constructive criticism!

      May 9, 2016 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      Hi, I really enjoy your work.

      About other making sense, well, you can't really judge how people will look at your work. Others prepare to get hook, others won't read due to it's written in ugly, others want to get relate, others want to just show it, entertain me with your story, and etc..

      'cause; some will look directly to the eight chapter without reading the prologue.

      But wanting I could say that, it's the readers' problems that a writer must simultaneously dealt with. And one thing that a writers are hoping for is, please reader, read each word if you want to get entertain

      And due to visual amusement or entertainment such as game, majority of the people always want fast and accurate; I'm speaking about vacant time they could have for fun. 

      That's where show don't tell, the only weapon for the writer.

      But most of the writer, will write what most of his/her audience will like, and those that sold out plenty. 

      --//Anyway, I hope you'll like my comments ;D

      -Hearm Jan


      May 11, 2016 | Hearm jan

    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      Ah this is really good so far ;3 I love the way you had described the fight scene just in this part and the surroundings around too..

      May 11, 2016 | The Wandering Dragon

    • Reply

      Hey! Thank you very much for your comment! I was worried that my characters would seem too unrealistic to the casual reader (e.g, weapons being summoned out of thin air,) but I'm glad that this is not the case. This story is partly inspired by anime (and is also a story I'm writing with writer's block,) so I'm always unsure of what I'm writing. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      May 14, 2016 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      I guess, I've reached where I must point out your problems. It's your PoV. This is base on my personal survey in the previous people that I'd asked to read some of my book; and my known ways of show don't tell.

      Having the genre, Sci-Fi, and with the cover of your book already give the details to the reader what he/she will be reading.

      Show don't tell in First Person PoV could be different if you're presenting a scene.

      One material is your eyes 
      Don't narrate that, I vanished. Instead write, like, I came back at the second dimension that the human couldn't see 

      Sense of hearing either sense of touch
      Choose one either sense of hearing either touch, for describing for this. I felt something brake.

      Wrong description with your PoV 
      intending to take me out Don't make reader, think that your character know what other characters will do. It's aiming at my shoulder like this instead. Unless, he's so skeptical, acting like an agent, investigator or etc.

      Other ways, may be you can explore it using your personal real-time First Person Perspective. You yourself.

      --//Happy Writings

      Hearm Jan

      May 14, 2016 | Hearm jan

    • Reply

      'Brake' is actually 'break'

      May 14, 2016 | Hearm jan

    • Reply

      I actually did not realize you made this comment until tonight! I'm really sorry! You do make some good points. I didn't think about them until you told me. You make sense, so I might change some parts of my chapter. Thank you for the criticism!

      May 16, 2016 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 5 Reply

      Hi, again

      Although, I'm too poor on my knowledge. But, I hope, I may be able to point some for this. I won't site an example cause it's quite long. Maybe, you can search it out, some details related at my comment. 

      This time, I'll be correcting some problems of your dialog and how effective the tags. You have a quite long conversation on this chapter that the tags aren't good much of use. They'll hinder the momentum.

      First of all, don't use chuckle, laugh, hum as dialog tagsSome readers will try to do it, and they think, they are fooled.

      I said as genuinely... Good Job for creating this.

      One thing on creating a series of dialog tags.

      1. Know the number of people who will do the conversation.

          Two people: Cailen, Marie

              "Hi, I'm Marie how about you?"

              "I'm Judy, call me Ju for short."

              "Okay... so... we're now friends?"

          Three people: Cailen, Marie

              "Hi, I'm Marie how about you?"

              "I'm Judy, call me Ju for short."

              "Okay... so--"

               A man put a hand on Marie's shoulder. "Let me in." 

              "--we're now frie..."



      2. Vary the format

           "..." narration "..."

           narration "..."

           "..." narration 

           narration "..." narration "..."

      3. About the dictions of your characters, your readers can follow on it because you've wrote it authentically. .

      I hope this comments are helpful too.

      May 18, 2016 | Hearm jan