Our Story, a Fantasy story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Our Story

By: Yin Harmony

Status: In Progress

Summary:

Everyone has a story right? Like how they got together, how they were born, when the scraped their knees? A story has a beginning, middle and end. Well, our's doesn't have an end..not yet anyway.

Created: February 6, 2016 | Updated: March 21, 2017

Genre : Fantasy

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 4

Favorites: 3

Reads: 182


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1: Zero 17
2: Day 1 345
3: Day 3 502
Total Wordcount: 864

Reviews (0)


    Comments / Critiques


      • Chapter: 2 Reply

        An excellent start. I cannot wait to read more. Nice work.

        April 11, 2016 | Leaf Soto


      • Reply

        Thank you. ^v^

        April 11, 2016 | Yin Harmony


      • Chapter: 2 Reply

        Hello, I would like to know if my comments are just fine for you, or helpful. It's important for the commentator to avoid offense. You can PM me for that or comment. Critique is always for improvement.

        Using was seems isn't appropriate for this story.
        Nervously waiting for the news of his wife’s delivery, Michael Harmony paced back and front of the hospital door.

        You don't need to switch from plain third-person view to third-person limited for this story. Error: [She listened and tried and tried but soon her vision got blurry and spotty.] Just write how she had struggles as what you've seen with your eyes, I guess.

        Starting a good chapter is based from how many pages you'd already written, and how epic your work is. So, it's kind of rearranging. 

        Slice of life genre has their own flavor. So you've started it just fine. 

        -Hearm Jan

         

        May 16, 2016 | Hearm jan


      • Chapter: 2 Reply

        It's very short, but I liked the chapter as a whole. Plenty of movement in only a few hundred words, and you were able to capture the stress of the father, the pain of the mother, and the sense of excitement of the twins being born rather well.

        My only other critique would be the very first line, it should be 'It was cold night.'

        So a good start, but try and make your chapters a bit longer.

        May 16, 2016 | Danny Power