The Jade Dragon, a Historical story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

The Jade Dragon

By: Chad Boyes

Status: In Progress

Summary:

This is the story of how a young thief came to be known as The Jade Dragon. From humble beginnings, snatching coin purses and robbing the houses of merchants in 17th century Puerto Rico, follow Cassandra on her journey to becoming the greatest thief that Colonial Spain has ever known.

Created: December 14, 2015 | Updated: December 21, 2015

Genre : Historical

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 5

Favorites: 1

Reads: 612


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1: Chapter 1 1183
2: Chapter 2 1468
3: Chapter 3 1757
Total Wordcount: 4408

Reviews (0)


    Comments / Critiques


      • Chapter: 1 Reply

        It has potential, definitely. It has the desired feel to it, one would definitely feel the Puerto Rico influence in the way you describe both the protagonist, and her surroundings. Cassandra is painted very well: I like the way you described her cloak, and the dual-purpose that it wields. I like her cunning and expertise, has a feel of Assassin's Creed to it, if I'm allowed to make such a generic comment. The fight scene was very well-judged, and I felt Cassandra fell just a little too quickly before I continued and read of her retaliation. Far too many people write of one character who emerges from a fight, not a hair out of place. In your scene, we're genuinely left wondering what will happen of her. 

        Yet for all that, there's some things I want to pick up on. In mentioning The European, the term got repetitive. You could easily rectify this by describing him in different ways ( The unfortunate victim, prey, target, visitor, local, tourist, husband, etc.) 

        And there's something else...I don't know. I just feel that for someone so proficient in the art of stealing, melding in the shadows, watching her every move, her assailant was able to follow her so effortlessly, without even a hint of suspicion on her end. Perhaps it's just me, but that would be something I would like to mention. 

        But still, this opening chapter serves its purpose: It introduces us to the main character, and it catches our interest. I look forward to reading more!

        December 14, 2015 | Danny Power


      • Reply

        That's actually the kind of feel that I wanted to put in, like as if she has spent her whole life learning this art. As for how easily she was followed, the only reason for that is because I intended this assassin to be quite a bit older (30's or 40's) so he would have his own tricks, and not only that but he is unremarkable, someone you wouldn't notice in a crowd let alone the unlit city streets. To the fight scene, I dislike reading any story that has a fight in it where the main character does away with their opponent unscathed. In a real fight, especially one with weapons, ESPECIALLY one where the main character is caught unawares, it is highly unlikely they would not suffer some form of wound. This man she fought is also a career killer, so he has some measure of skill. I have three chapters so far so I encourage you to review each of them! (:

        December 14, 2015 | Chad Boyes


      • Chapter: 2 Reply

        So Chapter 2 was interesting, more detail about the world around Cassandra. The Mediterranean feel was pretty well executed, and I've read plenty of historical documents about the British empire and their exploits in foreign lands. One can only imagine that Cassandra doesn't fully comprehend just how much they're going to take from her: and not just material wealth. 

        And they met already? Towards the end of the chapter? Interesting...

        There are a few things I would like to mention. Firstly, when writing about what a character is thinking. I would normally start a new line, and make her thoughts in italic. It just reads easier for the viewer. 

        Secondly, you mentioned 'without his express permission.' Was it meant to be 'explicit permission'?

        And thirdly...did she leave the body of her would-be attacker in plain view? Did she trudge through the general public in a blood-stained robe? I would have felt like she would have attempted to hide the body somewhat, or perhaps reverse her cloak and turn it inside out so the blood stains are not to be seen? It's just simple things like that, that make all the difference. 

        But it's still seriously 8/10. This is good. 

        December 16, 2015 | Danny Power


      • Reply

        Thank you, I'm glad you think so highly of my work :D She sticks to the alleyways on her trek to the Guild house, and I could have sworn I made a point of mentioning that no one was awake and about except for vagrants and beggars who would take no notice. They have met before, I encourage you to read Chapter 3 ;) I may have meant explicit yes ;p And if none of her thoughts are in italics that means they didn't translate in the copy paste D: I'll go through and find them, thanks :)

        December 16, 2015 | Chad Boyes


      • Chapter: 3 Reply

        A notable improvement on the previous two chapters. Not that your previous chapters were bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it looks like you were more confident in where you wanted this chapter to begin and end, especially once we have ourselves our new protagonist. 

        The backstory between the both of them, Cassandra's sister, the fires that were all too common an occurrence inside Medieval London (closely-packed houses, never a very good idea with open fires) all of it was very well-judged, suspense and action everywhere even if we just see the world through a younger Cassandra's eyes, I really want to know how Rodger found her again, and how he acquied such a position of power. 

        Consider me your story's first follower (here.)

        December 17, 2015 | Danny Power