X, a Science Fiction story | SparkaTale



By: Michael Mann

Status: Completed


This story is a remake of the first X. It was full of mistakes and this one is just ... TEN times better HAHAHAHA.... Because the title of the story is ten.... anyways. This story is about a girl named Jewel (in the original it was about Levi, but don't worry, he's still in this story) And she's kidnapped and thrown into a forest and is forced to do puzzles to escape.

Created: June 24, 2015 | Updated: July 29, 2015

Genre : Science Fiction

Language : English

Reviews: 1 | Rating:

Comments: 41

Favorites: 1

Reads: 1895

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1: Eleven 1793
2: Hanenbow 1754
3: Forest of Death 1535
4: Brain Power 1795
5: First Trial 1483
6: Only One 1367
7: The Rest Of Them 1492
8: Sleeping Buddies 2122
9: Jewel or Levi 1422
10: Death Match 1224
11: Killers 1335
12: Rebecca 1281
13: Fish Tank 1179
14: Tiles and Trials 1239
15: Final Trial 1412
Total Wordcount: 22433

Reviews (1)

  • Danny Power

    Okay, so I've read what you've put up on your story, and I feel that this star rating would be the most accurate. Your story has potential, most definitely, but it needs quite a bit of work. The good points: You've shown that you can write particularly heavy scenes - especially towards the second half of the story - with Chapter 8 and 11 being my personal favorites. Characters like Six and Levi stood out for me, particularly Six when he was first introduced because of his mysterious nature, and Levi's dual-personaility, the nicer side to him fading completely on account of his murderous traits. Silver also received pretty unexpected (good) development, and of course, Oracle... Your dialog definitely improves towards the end of the story, I'd suggest a little bit of tinkering in the early chapters as well (as mentioned in my earlier comments.) I wasn't a big fan of Jewel. I grew used to her as the story moved on, but I never properly liked her. I guess it's because she never lives up to her exceptional brainpower, doing stupid things and never utilizing her abilities once inside that maze. Zed, too, became a disappointment to me. He abducted a number of individuals, personally applied tattoos to their (naked) bodies, and trapped them inside a forest. However, at the very end of the story, we're left wondering what was the point of all of this? He has the potential to be this perverted, evil mastermind, but he simply came across as this bored individual who didn't much mind what happened. I don't know, I was expecting much more for the finale. I've already mentioned suggestions and critiques. but I'll repeat myself here in an effort to help you to improve: You need to write more about the enviornment people find themselves in (just think, what do your characters see? What do they hear? - leaves, machinary, water trickling - what do they smell? - pine trees, dust - etc.) Also, the first few chapters are about a virus, and then it vanishes completely. Definitely reference it throughout your story. I'm almost entirely sure you will lose marks for leaving out that important plot detail. I mentioned in an earlier comment to write a single pargraph at the beginning of a few chapters on what it's doing to the United States, and the wider world in general. It would definitely help you. Zed needs to become much more of an antagonist. He leaves quite a weak presence here, when he should be at LEAST as cold and calculating as Levi, at a minimum! You have no problem writing of rape, and creating graphic scenes, so I KNOW you have the potential to turn him into a terrible nightmare, but he just seems...comical. (I know that wasn't your intentions, but to be it feels like that.) Having said ALL of those negative things, I would implore you to keep writing! All it is is Practice - Practice - Practice, and trust me, I had written much worse than you, and I still need to improve on my own flaws and weaknesses, but we'll all get there eventually! To finish - if you edit this story here, and it improves, I have absolutely no problem increasing the star rating! So I wish you the very best of luck! If there's anything else you need I'm a PM away!

    August 1, 2015 Flag

Comments / Critiques

    • Chapter: 1 Reply


      So I finished reading this first chapter...I was left a little indifferent to it, it never really caught my attention. I shall explain. For me, basing an entire chapter over a keyboard...it doesn't seem like something that could sustain thousands of words, and unfortunately it falls a little bit flat here. 

      Jewel seems like a contradiction - smart enough to create sophisticated viruses, yet with the mindset of an adolescent. Of course, that could very well be used to your advantage ('Near' in 'Deathnote' is almost as accomplished a detective as L, yet is seen playing with kids toys.) Of course I have only gleamed this from one chapter, and I'll hold my reservations until I read more about her. Right at this present moment, however, I am not sold. This will sound harsh, but I will never criticize without offering a way to help you out. One way you can do this is to give your character traits, little things that will make her seem more believable, while adding roughly 10-20 words every time you add it in. Marginal gains, but every little helps. For example: Does she have any habits? (Biting her nails, scratching behind her ear whenever bored/excited/angry/bothered? etc) 

      Also for me, describing a character's entire physical characteristics in one or two lines doesn't read very well, and it would benefit majorly from spreading it out throughout the chapter. For example, give the color of her eyes in one paragraph (She stared at him in anticipation, her royal-blue eyes focusing on him like a laser) and maybe her hair in another (She slammed the car door shut behind her, moving aside her curtain of *insert hair color* hair aside so she could get a good look at him.)

      On a positive note, I liked the interaction between Jewel and Michael. It felt very natural, some witty humor added for good measure, it was nice - it felt like a dysfunctional couple. 

      So that's my take on chapter one. I'll be leaving more comments shortly.

      July 28, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      Well, one thing to keep in mind is that this is just the first chapter. and also, most of my writing style comes from my english teacher's teaching me. He always told me to make sure physical description is quick. Also, This is just a small nitpick. but when you were talking about the eyes. it's very likely that you meant some other character's eyes. but if you did mean jewels eyes, her eyes are actually red and not blue. this is because she's albino.

      Don't worry though, I know X starts off pretty slow, and I do agree that a lot of things could be done better, but trust me, the story get's better as it goes on.

      Also, the whole smartest person also being adolescent or whatever you said. That's actually intentional. You see, jewel's actually 18 years old at this time, and she actually never really took the time to act like an adult, because she breezed though school so quickly. She's always loved doing things that kids do such as playing video games and stuff like that.

      July 28, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Reply

      Okay, I just read this now, and that is absolutely fair enough! 

      I was generalizing when it came to the color of a character's eyes. I wasn't using Jewel for that particular description, but I can understand why I should have, apologies! ^^' 

      And if I'm being too harsh, please tell me so. I'm only commenting honestly but I don't want to diminish your ambitions as a writer or this story - I'm only hoping to add my thoughts and offer suggestions. We could all improve - I'm not perfect yet. Teamwork!

      July 28, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      I don't think you're that harsh, my english teacher is pretty harsh, even when he really likes the stuff I write. I'm use to having harsh feedback actually. Believe it or not, this is actually the third draft of X. The first draft is god awful compared to this.

      July 28, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Reply

      Please nerve lose your ability to accept criticism - it's really what separates those who give up to those who will live up to the pressure and become compressed into a diamond.

      My earliest work (thankfully deleted) was much worse than yours - I didn't even add paragraphs! To anything! 

      You're fine!

      July 28, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      ... Right. 
      Again, I'm starting to see Jewel as a contradiction. How can one who is smart enough to create powerful viruses in her spare time be so carelessly stupid in sending said virus to a complete stranger's E-mail account? Worse still, once she realized said virus was out of control, why would Jewel just attempt to 'sleep and maybe everything will be okay.' I don't have a sense of how old she is, but if it weren't for the fact that her boyfriend (who drives) exists, then I would have to place her as a 13 year-old hacker. Maybe 15 at a stretch, but that's how she appears to me, and perhaps others who read this. 

      I found a little of Michael's dialog to be horrendous. "What's a Devastation Virus?" - the clue is in the name. 

      I sound like an asshole, but in truth this could be improved tenfold. To start with, perhaps add what Jewel is doing when constructing the virus (Example, perhaps add that she was altering the basic coding within Hannenbow's memory-core matrix to allow it to adapt and replicate virus protection software in an effort to bypass/envelop them. Make it sound technical, let us see the genius Jewel is capable of!) Secondly, more emotion from Jewel's part when her little project goes wrong. Make it dramatic, her eyes widening in terror, her laptop falling to the ground in the midst of her shock, screen cracked yet still functioning etc. Spice things up!

      July 28, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      I assure you, I'm taking everything you say into account. and I must say that you're views on Jewel are not shared by anybody else, so far at least. Also, Michael is actually meant to be pretty Stupid. And again, I also kind of want jewel to be a contradiction, because that will be what gives one of my characters (in a different story, all of these my stories take place in the same universe) Gives one of my characters his main reason to want to kill Jewel. He sees her the same way you do, and he hates her for it. That's why he wants her dead.

      July 28, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Reply

      Multi-character universe?
      Someone who wants to kill Jewel?

      I'm intrigued...

      July 28, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      Yeah, the story's called Keep Smiling. it takes place after X 2. I'm going to start writing it when I finish X 2. Also, Jewel does mature a bit as time progresses. I think at least. anyways, I hope you enjoy the story as it moves along.

      July 28, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      little bit more interesting here.

      Now that I know more about Jewel - both from reading and your own insights into her character - I'm almost starting to forgive some careless things that she does (such as touching an electric fence without thinking it through first.) The very first sentence unnerved me (good thing) because someone undressed her - and this added sleaze adds some grit to the story. Not much, but some. 

      I'm not too sure about Levi, but this is the first chapter he is in, so I'll save any reservations for when I read more about him. 

      I think for this chapter, more emphasis could be spent on describing the environment. Jewel wakes up in a terrifyingly alien place to her, and while you detailed traces of moonlight against the height of leaves above her head, perhaps you could add more. Any sounds? (wildlife around her?) any wind that would chill her? Rustling of leaves above her head? Any trickle of water nearby? The buzzing of the electric fence?

      Also, since Jewel walked for hours during the night, I would personally add in things such as :how sore her feet were from traveling, perhaps how thirsty/hungry she would be after the journey, the exhaustion in her eyes etc? 

      That's my two cents for this chapter, continuing now...

      July 28, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      You make some pretty good points, And I wasn't aware that electric fences made noises. I guess that's my own stupidity right there.

      July 28, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Reply

      Some fences do and some don't. Some are only audible once you lean in really close to it. (personal experience...didn't end well) so you could add this in once Jewel gets shocked first, stands up again, and then inspects the fence closer when she hears it? 

      July 28, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      We'll see. I'm working on other stories right now, so I won't be doing much with this X until My English teacher reads it and reviews it.

      July 28, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      Hmmmm... For me, I would have liked to have seen a little more...action in this chapter? Obviously you were introducing more characters, explaining the 'Zed Game' and whatnot...I just felt that the chapter ended mid - conversation, and not in a suitable point in the story? It's probably just me... The robotic voice, also, didn't seem to have a very threatening and sinister tone to it. It seemed like it was trying to be comical somewhat, and for me personally it doesn't come off very well. If it were me I would change it so that it would only state facts. ( "You must complete these puzzles in order to escape the forest. If you fail in your task you will die. Do not attempt to escape, and do not attempt to respond. This is an automated recording, and will disintegrate upon completion. Etc...) Again, perhaps more emphasis on describing the surroundings, but I've already mentioned that and you took that on board.

      July 31, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      Well, as you said, introducing characters and stuff like that.

      And it's not suppose to be very threatening, it's really is someone talking to them, just prerecorded.

      When Zed is the one who started talking, then it's suppose to be threatening, but that doesn't come till later.

      July 31, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Chapter: 5 Reply

      Okay... I'm going to be blunt - and I'm only saying this to help you improve, because during our brief conversations you come across as a nice and optimistic person and I sincerely hope you continue writing forever more - but work needs to be done. A lot of it. To start with, the dialog is starting to grow a little poor. Much of it is one - liners or sentences with not much depth to it. Jewel is the exception here, but everyone else seem a little naive, like they don't know what to say? I would seriously recommend looking at other people's work - specifically character dialog - and spend a few hours studying that carefully. I'm not saying mine is perfect - I've received plenty of critiques with problems in my own character development - but there are little things that are irking me, such as the fact that almost nobody introduced so far realized that the tattoos they wear are roman numerals. For me, that would be a fairly common fact, and save for Levi (his tattoo was in an awkward place) the rest of the characters don't seem at all bothered by the fact that they have them: If someone grafted some ink on me, I would feel horrified, disguised, and more than a little afraid. The challenge to move to the next door, I found, was much too easy... I'll stop now, because I can see myself becoming an asshole here, but again I want to emphasize that all of this is being said to help you improve...

      July 31, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      I had a reply done, but then my computer decided to die before I could post it, so I'm just gonna give the short version to save time.

      Friends and teachers say I'm amazing with diologue, Gonna go with what teacher says.

      Not final draft, nothing is completely done yet.

      Teacher is gonna read it some time august, he'll give me feedback too.

      I'm listening to everything you say, but I'm more likely gonna go with what my teacher says.

      The first challenge was meant to be easy.

      and even though it seems like you're not liking the story, please stay with it, trust me, it get's better as you go on.

      July 31, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Reply

      And that's perfectly fine! What would annoy me will no doubt be another's favorite aspect of your story, but it will benefit you to get differing opinions to see if there is anything both sides would say needs improving. I'll continue the story, no doubt about that!

      July 31, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      Okay, good thanks.

      So far, what are some good things about the story?

      July 31, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Chapter: 6 Reply

      Both good AND bad in this chapter. First off: The good. We FINALLY get to see some grit in this work, and Levi gains a wonderful double - edge to his character. The fact that he has health experience - coupled with his more innate urges - was something I didn't expect, but was entirely welcome. Also adding in the twist that a character thought he was safe - followed quickly by his demise by an unexpected source - makes this easily your best chapter thus far. You explored more adult themes here, well done. But despite that, the antagonists in this novel continue to be a little comical, like you're trying to make these characters humorous when it doesn't help your work at all. The voice turning around to ask Zed if he could actually say something 'lewd' seemed a bit weird seeing as said voice then had ZERO problem with asking about rape...it detracts from this chapter slightly. In my opinion, I'd remove that little part from this chapter altogether, get rid of any mention of Zed here and make the voice completely and utterly sure of itself. But still, an improvement!

      July 31, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      Okay, I think that is a good suggestion, In the next draft, I'll be sure to change that.

      And I'm not trying to make the characters comical.

      Anyways, I'm glad you liked the chapter.

      July 31, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Reply

      I was just looking back at some of these comments, and I noticed you calling Levi comical, that's something my main editor aka my english teacher told me. In the current draft of X, I'm actually making a lot of changes, and one of the changes I'm making is making Levi a lot less comical, and you already know he's the killer, but I'm also going to leave the reveal that he's the killer till the end, not showing his killings. WHen I'm done with the hopefully final draft, hope you'll read it.

      January 15, 2016 | Michael Mann

    • Chapter: 7 Reply

      More characters, more description, always a good thing. I'd be a little careful with adding too many characters at once, but here its not a problem. There were a little number of spelling mistakes in the first part of the chapter, but other than that, nothing negative to report...

      July 31, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      Well, seeing as the title of the story is literally the roman numeral for Ten, meaning the story is called Ten, anybody could have figured out that there were gonna be more characters,

      anyways, the next chapter you'll read is probably my fave in the whole story.

      July 31, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Chapter: 8 Reply

      More action - great! I liked this, I liked Oracle's dilemma. The physical confrontation, Six's revelation, all good things, character growth and whatnot. The dialog was better here, conversations were more natural and fluid. The only thing I spotted were that twice in this chapter, you used 'too' instead of 'to' but that's only a minor matter. Anyway, improving, story is starting to gain momentum...

      July 31, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      Woo Hoo!

      I'm glad you liked it, It's my fave chapter.

      Also, if you don't mind me asking, who's your fave character so far?

      July 31, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Reply

      For me, Six had a sort of pull for me, an appeal where you want to know more about him. As I was reading about him, I came up with multiple different theories and ideas for why he was so silent, there is a condition known as post - traumatic speech impediment where the sufferer would lose control over his/her speech due to a deliberating or terrifying event in time, and although the last chapter I read disproved that, you did something right in making readers think up these kind of things for your characters. It makes things interesting, keeps them memorable! Levi is slowly growing on me. I felt like he was underdeveloped when we first meet him, but now we're starting to see his nature (and it is a sadistic one at that.) I actually enjoy the irony that a murderer would work in the health profession - He would have received extensive training on the studying of the body, injecting veins, which organs are vital and which are not etc. This makes him your most important character in terms of potential. There's so much you can do with him! Oracle ... a hanging death sentence around her, tastefully done, could really make her memorable to the reader. Not killed too early so she could be of merit to tell story, but not killed too late so that her condition seems less serious then it should be...I'll be keeping an eye on her. Having said that, I feel Robert is too much. Obviously he is a pervert, but I would like some more development to him, so even though he still comes across as a slimeball to the reader, perhaps another interest of his would make him seem more human. More believeable. Again, just my opinion!

      July 31, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Reply

      Multipul different thoeries? What were some of the others.

      and on a side note, I plan on having another story at some point where Six is the main character, however, I'm not gonna state weather it's before or after the events of X that way I don't give too much away.

      July 31, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Reply

      They were mainly just predicaments which would have led to Six's refusal to speak, really. Before the true cause was given away, I was constantly thinking of how events in his past would have caused him to remain mute, and that's great because you have readers thinking about your characters! 

      An origin story would sound good, at this point, to be honest! (After I finished reading this, of course!)

      August 1, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 9 Reply

      The dialog is getting better, I'll give you that. It's flowing well, back-and-forth between characters. Creating a rift between the group was interesting, because I feel that this will come back to haunt them in the future. They may all be at loggerheads at each other, but they are all pawns under the chessmaster that is Zed.

      I just wanted to ask, however, because it's dawned on me: What is going on outside of the forest? With Hannenbow, I mean. An idea I had was that you could - at the beginning of every third chapter or so - write a little paragraph (in bold) in the style of a news announcer who delivers the latest disasters which occurred in the United States because of the virus. 

      Perhaps the virus had infected the Stock Exchange, causing it to collapse and sending share prices tumbling to new lows, creating bankruptcy among shareholders?

      Or perhaps the virus infected sensitive military information, releasing it to the public, sending countries to side against the USA? 

      It doesn't have to even relate to the story itself - just make sure you partition it away from said story - but it would flesh out your chapters, and add in some detail. 

      Also - for your next draft, and this is only my personal opinion - but it would be great to see more of Jewel's hacking and computer expertise shine through. Perhaps she somehow manages to hack into the mainframe which controls a locked door, opening it without the requirement (and forcing a punishment on the rest of the group by doing so, making the group hate her even more.) Something that would allow readers to see that she is still quite capable of working with mainframes and creating viruses etc. 

      In fact, I would love to see why Six, Oracle, Rhythm etc, were chosen to be a part of these games. I assume they all had something unique about them which caused them to be taken away in the same way Jewel had? 

      Again, just my opinion. 

      August 1, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 10 Reply

      More interesting developments, and Levi is starting to come into his on.
      We expect him to be a murderer by now, but he's also being malicious, divulging in a secret to Drew shortly before what happened next. Credit where credit is due, Drew knows how to play dirty, pity he only got one shot in, I would have loved to have seen more of a fight. 

      Same with Silver and Nicki, some more detail of their fight would never hurt, although you're getting better when it comes to writing about their emotions, I got a good sense of their dread just before the contest. 

      A couple of spelling errors again, mostly 'too' instead of 'to' - but that's a small thing. Everybody has spelling errors when they write their work for the first time, just make sure you look over it again once it's finished!

      But this chapter was nice, an improvement.

      August 1, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 11 Reply

      Okay - now we're getting somewhere.
      The scene with Oracle was the most detailed of the entire story! I actually put my hand over my mouth when I read that. I was disgusted and horrified...and that's a good thing! 

      More splits in the group dynamic, and I fear that they are weakening themselves to fall prey to Zed himself, should he choose to appear.

      August 1, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 12 Reply

      You've created quite an emotional scene, and an unexpected one at that!
      I assumed with the title Rebecca that a new character would have been introduced, but instead readers get wonderful development on Silver. We see turmoil as she struggles with what she had done and how she no longer agrees with her warped ideals, really well done! 

      I'm telling you this now, the second half of the story is easily much better than the first half. All that's really needed are more detail of the environment around them (the sights, the sounds, the smells etc.) but you're getting there.

      August 1, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 13 Reply


      I'm not sure about Jewel and her claims to be the smartest person on Earth...considering her disastrous performance in chapters one and two. Her IQ seems a little unbelievable as well, I know you want to emphasis to the readers that she is far above average, but I personally feel that is a little too much. 

      Other than that, the scene was good, nothing as powerful as previous chapters, but still a noted improvement on the first few chapters. Again, one or two simple spelling errors, nothing that a quick round of editing won't fix!

      August 1, 2015 | Danny Power

    • Chapter: 1 Reply


          Before I went down to business, I hope you could review my Shaky Seedy Spicy Story-Spumy chapter four ‘Can’t Move On.’ I’m stuck, seems like I lack the ingredients that I needed. Maybe you could find some crucial problems that I’m trying to detect — before I continue counting the syllables and finalize it gradually.

          I also advice you to not update your work until I finished all the chapters, I’ll try to focus for this (this is not compulsory). I’m having a hard time about my series, so creating this feedback will give additional strength for my series. I know you are aware at my current problem. (Will both gain benefits from this, you gain feedbacks and I gain knowledge about my grammar and lacking.)

          Just tell me also where I should stop, but please don’t be offended. A head of my school once complained about my letter. So I hope you don’t mind the pitches.  

          I will give you — all I found that you’re currently needed as possible as I could.

          Of course, I suspended my current works, since I have plenty that I’m lacking. I also want to create a discussion on the club, but I’m worried if nobody will take part.


      First of all, my way of rating is;

          65 – Need to improve.
          100 – Good.
          101 – Excellent.

      Of course, grammar is not included, as well as etc, if I found I’m not the right person for it.

      And this will be given if you allow me to, and after I read your (finalized) work.


      Reminder, you have the authority about your story.

      All of my works, I give it sixty-five (except The Five S), but I enjoy watching the event many times in my mind.

      Please be aware, what I always believe, readers are always the jury, but inspiration is how you love your works, or etc. And etc… blah, blah, blah… I hate being to talkative.

      Actually, I never wish writing to become my profession. I just want to create those stories of mine and paint beauty with words or colors (even programs). So what I love is actually reading and watching arts and beauties.


      Alright, rock ‘n roll to the world!


          Chapter One, simulan na ang alamat (the legend in here it all begins),

          This chapter seems like a theater, T.V, Movie or Radio drama, or I mean a role-playing script.


      *** [In Manhattan…] on this first paragraph, you can describe the young woman first before the room or vice versa… or never mind. Like,
          [In a (house, hotel, boardinghouse or etc) of (one of the five boroughs of the New York City named) Manhattan — inside of a dark room with escaped (adjective for the characteristic of the) light from the shadow of a young woman sitting in front of the computer, the gritted sounds from the keyboard were riming.]

          I don’t know if this is accurate, but what I felt for this story is a Show, don’t tell policy.

      *** Also, never neglect in giving info to your readers. If a player play a virtual game, they tend to explore the environment, and somehow thinks, “The f*ck, the road ends here.”
          Manhattan is a very important plot. You can use it to create such as nostalgic environment for Jewel if Miguel is now R.I.P. either Jewel is, or when they came back home after their adventure (recollection of their romance, or etc, or sent them boredom when they came back, and persistently asking for another adventure).
          Try to visit your elementary Alma Mater, if it was not boring. Glance where you and your friends were happily running, doing club activities, and etc…
          Or recall the feelings, when you were receiving the diploma on a stage.

      *** You could also give info by; maneuvering your narration, obvious (and vary the right pitches inside the) dialogue, or etc, that you seen fit.  
      [/* this is not mine, genre fantasy, age maybe B.C. from an RPG game that I played, and narrated what I did. */

          I went inside the newly renovated bar, what a nice beat of music, everyone were dancing wildly. I headed to where the sound is emitted, and the person said,
          “You’re experiencing the cool sound of DJ Macro Maxx!”    
          I’m shocked. “Uh, that’s a piano.”

      /* you’d perfect it on some dialogues, but the flow of direction of the paragraphs need editing. */



      *** About the Dialogue Tags, try to use told, yelled, admitted, answered, exclaimed, etc, rather than abusing ‘said.’ It’ll result to tedium. Even the format of the paragraphs had caused the same.

      *** Please try. I hope this is a good drift.    
          “Hey babe, good to see you finally came out from your room,” he said.
          She ran her fingers through her hair. “Shut up Michael, I need you to take me to the (name of the) store.”
          “What for?”
          “I need a new Keyboard, my current one is broken.”
          Michael turned off the television. “Again?”
          She leant (I don’t know if it’s leaned) at the door, (twiddling, or any characteristic of) her hand on the (adjective for the) door handle. “Yeah, the H key is stopped working.
          “And (what’s) the magic word?”
          “Now!” Jewel begged. /* just for describing since it was too vague for me to understood “Now.” */

      *** I hate how you introduce your character, the way I did to mine, so we’re both idiots. Maybe this is fine.
          Her skinny fingers were fiercely tapping (or tipping) to any keys of the keyboards, while the sunken-eyed face of her is very serious whereas her corneas moved to and fro. Her name was Jewel.
          Her index finger stopped… pressing, pressed and pressed the H button. Violently knocking her fists into the table (or any of your preferable)! “God damn it! This stupid piece of junked!”
          She stormed out and came to a large room with a television; there was a lanky man with short black hair and brown eyes sitting on the couch. He is Miguel.

      *** Beware about their topic on the car until they stopped at their destination, I hope it shoot at the time limit. You can use narrating if you found out it failed.
          You can even add another conversation, after a little gap of silent. This will help you create a polished — ahem, ahem — Tsu-

          Let’s back to the topic, you can polished the attitude of both character and made it standout, and don’t forget to arrange the format of their paragraphs away to this word boring.
          Reader will always wanting the enjoyable novels, not hard to read. But in sci-fi with bunches of maturity, seems like a different story.
      *** About looked, glanced, and etc someone had corrected me that the right preposition for this is ‘at.’ I prepared you to use this also, looked at.
          /* gluLookAt(,,,) What a nostalgia. */

      *** I really don’t know if I’m right, either way, ‘!?’ seems like an exclaimed, so I prepare you to abuse this “!”

      *** [A kind voice] replace the kind with another adjective.

      *** [How do you know my name] add [What the — How do…] or any ways that describe an obvious surprised.

      *** [Eleven ran off while Jewel stood there dumbfounded.] Use walked off for this, since it could aware the securities around the area.

      *** Anyway, the above comments were just the representation of my thoughts. Just do whatever means you find for them.



      *** At Jewel
              I like how she spoke, like around here [I need a new Keyboard, my current one is broken.]
              Need more expressing on her attitude, so readers could love or hate her more (I mean not on her pitches, just add another topic inside the car if possible).
              /* don’t worry; I won’t create spoiler (or maybe a statement) about the problem on her keyboard. :D */  

      *** At Miguel
              He acted matured. Some words are needed to improvise so it would fit for him.
              Not buying Jewel’s favorite game and do running isn’t appropriate for him. Let him walked fast, and after he asked Jewel (her problems), let him surprised her. You decide how Jewel would react. And also how would Miguel respond at the received impact.
              Anyway, you are a nerd, so play using Logic, you still have time to study that I don’t.

      *** About Eleven
              His mysteriousness was around at tiny near the medium. Again need improvements on their conversation.

      *** The story seems good, but the suspense, I can’t find. Anyway, if you try to edit your work and the pace weren’t fall down to tedium (as possible attract the reader using your character’s attitude, reaction, abilities, and relationship, any means), the reader will focus on locating the approaching climax.  

          That means the reader will continue reading your work.



          I didn’t know why I haven’t written the others, seems like, I need to ask some of your problems, question, remarks about this comments and the chapter.

      August 4, 2015 | Hearm jan

    • Reply

      Honestly, I don't really like reading, so I don't know if I'll get to it right off the bat.

      Anyways, Everything I do in my stories has a reason as to why I do it. also, why do you keep referring to Michael as Miguel? Either way, Michael is meant to be pretty dumb actually, Like a child in a man's body.

      And I don't go into much detail on New York, because they're only gonna be there for 2 chapters out of 15. And New York isn't all that important to the plot.

      August 4, 2015 | Michael Mann

    • Reply

      Good day,

      Sorry, forgive my eyes, about that... the Michael error thing...

      Well, as I said, you could do what ever means to my comments, if you find it a "go" then, feel free.

      I'm still at the starting line, those are just my overview about the first chapter.

      Also give remarks to my comments, if there are still things I need to elaborate. And boundaries where I should not included, and must included.

      August 4, 2015 | Hearm jan

    • Reply

      I'm a little exited right now, so I just leave this comment, and the other one... I have something that I interested in, before I continue, maybe at Monday, I could resume.


          Oh, yeah, some of my comments messed up, even though it’s a no big deal.
          I hope you’re having a lot of editing right now.
          Are you using Third-Person Limited? If you say so, you must not write their thoughts, and feelings. Follow the words Show, Don’t Tell Policy.

          There are a lot of things that I wanted to write for this comment, but somehow, it won’t literalize in my mind. But I hope I did help out, even a little bit.


      Chapter One Extension

      /— Characters

      [At Michael,

         “Hey babe, good to see you finally come out of your room.” He said.

         /* I thought he was mature around here. But good for him to became persistent, impatient.
          Nice work on their annoying conversation.*/

      [At Jewel,    

          If she came out on her room, and head outside the house, let her cover her eyes, when she was exposed by the sunlight.

          I like her attitude, but for that kind of attitude survive at the league, she’s really smart.

          About the Virus —

      Good Luck! I hope you won’t mess up.

          But it’s not what I’m interest in. It’s on the Second Chapter.
          So this Chapter is still no good. I hope you analyze my first set of comments.


      [At Eleven,

          I already stated at my first previous comments.   


          /* you really need to renovate this book, technically. */


      August 5, 2015 | Hearm jan

    • Chapter: 2 Reply


      *** I’ll give you a thumbs-up for some of the scenes around here.
      *** I won’t criticize your virus and the programmer; but, poor girl, being used to be as scapegoat… Good job, for creating the event!

      *** And for Michael, you made him, what he looks like. A lot of haters will criticizes him if you know what I mean.

      *** I won’t repeat this to any chapters; a lot of technical problems are floating everywhere. Be a little proficient, and show everything.
          Arrange the paragraphs to what you found it pleasing. Or try reading a Sci-fi book (must be your favorite), and study how it was narrated.



      /— from first to second paragraphs,
          The intro wasn’t in good placement.
      [/* I don’t know if this is a little bit informal. */

          Quietly walked out of the store, carrying her new Keyboard, Jewel thought as she walked to the car,
         Who the hell is this Zed guy, and why am I just now hearing about him? I know everyone… at least, everyone is important I find online, and Zed seems to be some sort of important person, why don’t I know about him?

      /* I don’t know if how she think is good, but try to analyze, maybe this still away to improved.
          Or you can add some detailed narration as background before you proceed at the event.

      [For the letter, write it like this,

          She turned on her lamp for the light. “These definitely aren’t Instructions,” she said and she started reading.

      Dear Miss Fretz,

          I have received words that you are developing a virus, yet you don’t intend to even use it. That’s a wasted of potential if you ask me.

          I suggest that you unleash it. You’ll never know how good you are with computers unless you do.

          If you’re up to it, use the virus on this email address, z10@avylon.com.

          No caps, no spaces, no underscores. I promise that this will all be okay.

      Sincerely, Zed.




      August 5, 2015 | Hearm jan

    • Reply

      Previous Comment’s

      Forgive me, so you’re really using Third-person Limited here. Well, sorry that I asked you if you’re using Third-person Limited. I’m quite messed-up, since Third-person Objective, won’t reveal thoughts and feelings.
      As I said, this story needs a show don’t tell narrating. In my perspective, First-person is the good choice rather than using Third-person Limited, or play with Third-person Objective instead for this story.
      She’s quite the character, if you do, you can express her personality more.

      But, if you’ll stick at Third-Person Limited, give more detailed; actions, backgrounds, feelings, thoughts, and etc., which your reader could enjoy on reading (to build up the suspense); as possible; since, this is a Sci-fi, full of mysteries.

      Forest of Death
      Nice plot,
          Lack of describing for Jewel, I preferred if,
          The moon shines bright that it was glistening off of the dew on the grass. — Rustles.
          Moaning — (characteristic of her body movements) and she opens her eyes, (let her feel the environment, you can even use mosquitoes, even how tingling the grass is for her, or let her stunned, and many other things).     
      Also, the background’s details are lacking, not so good.

      [put them in the moonlight] revised this.
      [A head poked through the door] this paragraph also.

      The suspense and mystery was created, but her curiosity isn’t at hundred percent.

      This Levi man is so mysterious for me.

      About Forest of Death, I can’t find even a bit of info inside this chapter.

      [Levi kept walking.] Anyway, it reminds me at the protagonist on the — I don’t know if the title was Fire Sword, I'm so forgetful right now. It made me smile.


      /* */

      August 12, 2015 | Hearm jan

    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      Brain Power


          Quite a puzzle right there, this could attract your readers to backtrack into chapter three. You can even use some of my previous comments for extending the mystery of this; even assist your reader, so they could understand the logic of your puzzle.
          Of course, since this is a novel, and your using Third-person Limited, try to make your readers solve also, by writing the feelings or thoughts of Jewel.
          Don’t just imitate how the flow of the conversation in a T.V., reality, and movie. They have sound effects, graphic effects, facial expression, visual text, or etc.
          And also don’t be afraid about the delayed of their conversation because you'd explained what you’re character did, senses’ prompt, and as well as the background. Those are tools to drown your reader inside the book.
          What’s on my mind about your settings is that, “What the — how did she reach an answer like that?”
          “3/9” to open the door is quite difficult to solve for their current situation. Let her, conclude any possible answer.

          No other hint that they could have find, rather than, “The numerator must equal to the Denominator.” Followed by, “If you’d fail this math or any other puzzles, you’ll die (instantly)…” Can cause; peculiarity, vexation, sometimes blame, panic, worry, curiosity, or etc.
          And your characters weren’t adopted at the situation. I requested if you could read, “Cage of Eden” or “The Lost World (If I remember, I'd a book of this when I was a Six-grade).” These as well give you some of your lacking.
          The dullness (In my investigation about the whole chapter three and chapter four) of the environment, as I explain at my very first comment, you could use Manhattan for nostalgic, even your room, and the lustful of her hand to touch her favorite keyboard. This is your winning point. Made them wait for people to participate, lost hope as possible, and expand this chapter into two or three chapters. It could become good.

          I wish you watched the first version of Hunter X Hunter, when they’d participate in Hunter X exam — at the tall tower.

          Create an awkward silent, the passing of hours while thinking can result starvation, do a laughable scene, nonsense topic, lost hope, conflicting arguments (while Levi trying to calm her), and give them the awaited persons.   

          Others, nah, you can explore it yourself.

          Here’s a situation,
          Jake asked me the answer of one plus one. My problems is, if I’ll answer two, there is no equal on this question, and I’ll be bullied again with their intimidating offensive words. But, if I’ll reply eleven, my goodness, they’ll criticize me more, like a moron and narrowed-minded person.
          I have good grades, you know? — And a top five on my school in math.
          So, somebody please saved me…   
      ] /* My answer is remain silent. You can nod your head. If you could have a chance to stay away, that’s good. */

          I hope I’d help a little on this chapter.


      August 13, 2015 | Hearm jan