With Gods and Men, a Dystopian story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

With Gods and Men

By: Morgan Stranger

Status: In Progress

Summary:

The world is not like yours. It has a different history, people and culture and it is divided into two: The United Amerika of the west and the Afrikan Empire of the east. The world is shaped by chaos, wars and demons. The world is governed by gods. Men are caught in the middle and it's time to choose a side. I am Morgan. I am a Stranger. This is my story. This is my world

Created: June 5, 2015 | Updated: June 5, 2015

Genre : Dystopian

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 5

Favorites: 1

Reads: 421


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    Comments / Critiques


    • Reply

      Good job in creating the intro, Let me remember how I want to peel my skin :)
      How I've been slowly aligned my dislocated -- I don't know if it's a joint or some bone, it just some part under my knee. I have lots of foolish act I done before, but seeing you writing it, it's making me feel it again.
      I like your objectives. "I will freak you out." That's awesome and interesting.
      Go ahead and release It all, I want to read more.

      Thought I won't comment those vague description, cause you can able to find it with your ability, and your much better than me. 

      Can wait to read more.


       

      June 17, 2015 | Hearm jan


    • Reply

      Hello!

      Wow! thank you very much for your comment. I really appreciate it. Though I would like to apologize because I can't update my story for a while. In fact, I haven't updated for a long while because of internet connection problems and that because I'm here in my internship and will be here for a few more days.

      Anyway, if you have other suggestions or anything else, feel free to tell me.

      Once again, thank you.

      Cheers

      -MS

      June 18, 2015 | Morgan Stranger


    • Reply

           Sure, if you say so, but, of course, I will analyze it to the extent of my ability. Maybe one weak per chapter, I will comment those suggestion though. But don't trust me too much, because its story, as you could see, and its your choices if you followed or acknowledge it.

          I hope this can be come as (or more) amazing as (than) Radiant Historia.

           However, just treat me as a fan. I will just site, what I could see in your story, you miss to described, and what's better, based on my own perspective. I'll try to visualize your story to my mind.

           Your grammar is your own jurisdiction. XD I can't even correct myself about that.

          Man, I can't really wait those other chapters. :I

         

      June 18, 2015 | Hearm jan


    • Reply

      Forgive me about the, typos, I'm still no good as you clearly see.

      I hope, my eyes won't grow weary!

      June 18, 2015 | Hearm jan


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      Chapter One,

          Since, I'm just slacking right now, so I tried to locates some evils in your first chapter that can cause ambiguities, this is all that I could suggested, the paragraph below. Next week, is chapter two, finally I can comeback to :) searching a thing to read.

          Give comments to others, makes me realized my own fault so please just allow me. :I
      In the end, it’s your choice since it’s your story. What I wanted is to only read, and the reasoned is? You can peruse it in my bio. It’s rarely to find stories like this that grabbed my attention.

          Please don’t criticize my grammar too harsh T_T, just correct my errors. It’s your story’s fault for dragging me inside! I’m still studying hard.

      [He skids through the rough, scorching sands the very moment the raging waters came into his sight.] Composed of two sentences, this is fine. “Very” is no good since he had braked, if you'll invert those sentences, “very” is useful. “He skids through” -> “skid” has lots of meaning, plus your subjects is a “he” so it’s too vague, because you used this “stench of iron” after he had braked. This “raging” is a good adjective but “waters” is too vague; it can’t describe the number of sea’s waves.

      How about this, [“The”+ (any kind of sound effects) + (any kinds of linking verb for predicate) + (any kind of Intensifying description for the subject) + (any kind of your sentence’s separator styles), because “stench of iron” will confused the reader] either [Use an onomatopoeia three times either metaphors or Simile, that will describes his motion that he was actually running, not riding] and [“The very moment the raging waves of water came into his sight, he skids through the rough and scorching sands.”] <- What a good intro!

      “Suddenly” for me is not good for Past Tense or attribute to adverb and adjective, if you had any other use it.    In “with the stench of iron” how about “by” instead of “with” or your choice, however if you have any, that’s good.      At the “, the pungent odor were tiny needles into his nose” -- Having a comma before “the” it’s seemed not good, whereas using “as” instead; example “iron as its pungent… etc.” Just test it.     In “odor were” is this fine? I’m not good in predicating those quantitative nouns.  Before “tiny” won’t you like to add “likely” or any other adverb?     After the “nose” don’t use semicolon, instead of dot.    What about this? “His heels dug deep so he could brake… (Put a wide white space if it’s applicable XD) However it failed.”   On “It was freezing” you can add “so” or other intensifying adverb to “freezing”    And after “despite” add “of”    Also after the “sun” use dot instead, either semicolon rather than comma.   “Still” is just good in continuous verb’s tenses or many adjectives like “placid” or etc.  The “grabs” and “wraps” change it to “grabbing” and “wrapping” and change the sentence.

      Remove the word “He unclenched.” <- This is destructing the trill.  Or “As he unclenched it, --blah, blah, blah, -- but the pain itself… etc.”    After “he clenched it again” use comma, and instead of “Harder” use “harder and harder. This time, … etc”    “Scream in agony” nice words, how lovely!   In “Stabbing pain” do you have any adjective in exchange about this “stabbing”?   This “a rib was broken” I felt this words!

      “Another splash (add this [from behind]) hits him hard” is fine, and remove “on his back”   In “pressing it tightly” the “it” change it to “them” since you already used “themselves”

      I’ll advice you to arrange your paragraph so it can flow it well; example, [The Mountain. An ominous hulk… etc.] This is for a new paragraph.  Also, don’t you want to add, “He remembers…” before “The Mountain” Because, I’m confused if he’s reminiscing or if it’s happening now? If this paragraph is currently happening then the owner of this hand “His hands found themselves on his face” is the Mountain. Well, if you really intent some of this to be vague, just ignore this.

      [Run away, you stupid, bloody idiot! Just run away and never come back!  He thought to himself.] How about, “his will scolded or begged to himself”.

      In “try to live a normal life” hmn… I don’t know if this is good.

      The action and trill is fine. "I'll freak you out." You did it to me. Try to imagine, you’re pulling out your nail in your finger slowly. XD I did try twice; one in my hand, and the other on my foot.    

      For “bounce off his chest” to “(just) bounce off on (or any other prepositions) the Mountain’s chest”

      Still, the rest have errors, but it’s not as vague as the others, I can’t really wait the other chapters. XD

      Man, it’s really trilling. :I

       

       

      June 18, 2015 | Hearm jan