The Assassin Boy, a Adventure story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

The Assassin Boy

By: Leaf Soto
Cover Art By: Angela Buchanan

Status: In Progress

Summary:

The story of the greatest young assassin in the Eastern Maywok Assassins Union. He has never turned down any mission he has always been assigned. Until the day comes when he gets moved to school. How can he blend in with normal life? That's when he meets a girl. Can he tell her just how he feels about her? Then the heads have a mission for him. Will this mission be the first one he turns down, thus destroying his record?

Created: April 21, 2015 | Updated: May 5, 2015

Genre : Adventure

Language : English

Reviews: 3 | Rating:

Comments: 2

Favorites: 12

Reads: 940


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1: Prologue: The story of Soto 694
2: Mission I 635
3: Mission II 780
4: Mission III 500
5: Mission IV 1020
6: Mission V 1026
7: Mission VI 738
8: Mission VII 1516
9: Mission VIII 1244
Total Wordcount: 8153

Reviews (3)


  • Danny Power

    I'm going to be as constructive as I can with this review, but you've already seen the low rating and unfortunately this is the standard of the novel that I just read so far. Of course, there are many reasons as to why I feel this only deserves two stars and I will go through what I think you need to improve on, so you can improve your stories and grow as a writer with time and patience! To start with, there's no real character growth. Every single character seems 'One-dimensional' and play to their stereotypes. For example, Soto is meant to be this cold, calculating assassin, but there is no sense of emotion within him at all. He feels like a robot, when readers would much prefer a character who starts one way, and learns and improves their personality by the time your novel ends. (Example: Character A begins the story as a homophobic teenager, but throughout the story A meets B - a new gay teen who just moved in. Throughout this hypotethical story, A learns that being homophobic makes no sense when he discovers that B is just as nice and intelligent as any other person, and fights with himself over his new-found realization etc.) From that little example, you see character A grow as a person - all people grow over time - so when writing your stories, try and give your characters certain characteristics, but ALSO write out where you would like them to be by the END of the story. (Example: Does Soto soon grow wery of his past? Does he find clues as to his parents' murderers? Does he finally meet them PERSONALLY? etc...) Secondly, your chapters are much, much too small. It may feel like a long time writing those words, but when reading them it took me less than a few minutes. It wasn't long enough to hold my attention. Now I'm obviously going to backtrack and say that I'm not looking down on you when I write this - because the very fact that you're writing at ALL shows that you are intelligent and creative and willing to create a world and the people living in it and I applaud that - but when I also started writing I too started with 500 or so words until a few readers critiqued that it was too short. Over time I gradually increased my writing until I could confidently write 2,000, then 3,000, and now 4,000 words. It just takes practice! Thirdly, the 'environment' of your story was completely underdeveloped. I have no sense as to where Seto lives, where his school is situated and whether or not he lives in a town or city, surrounded by trees or mountains or concrete. It's actually quite important to get this right because readers need to feel like they are inside your world, and it just felt...completely barren to me. Definitely when reading over other people's work try and specifically watch out for how people detail the world in which their characters live in. Fourthly, there are a large number of grammar errors throughout your story, and there really is no excuse for that. (It is my biggest gripe with a story.) I would reccommend that when you finish a chapter and put it up, read over it IMMEDIATELY and correct any mistakes IMMEDIATELY. I made the unfortunate mistake of ignoring my grammar errors for two of my completed novels, and I spent weeks going through a total of 50 chapters and 170,000 words correcting every single mistake, so I could learn from my own advice! Finally...the plot. There is none. There is absolutely no key reason why people would continue to read, and I know that sounds horrible but that is just my brutal opinion. You need to know how your story will go before you write it (Again, there seems to be no story arc, no beginning, middle or end.) You seem to have a co-author in this story? I would reccommend brainstorming with each other and coming up with different ideas for an overall story, not just a chapter after another. That is it for critiquing, and I want to apologize for sounding mean and demeaning in this rather long letter, but I really do want you to keep it up and to continue writing, because this story CAN be saved, and when you start new stories you will already have experience in brainstorming and writing out new ideas and they will show a noticeable improvement! Don't feel disheartened by this, just remember: 'Every setback is an oppertunity for a comeback!'

    Rating:
    April 25, 2015 Flag


  • Angela Buchanan

    I think the story is fine to me...J.A. Smith you just don't know a good story when you see it. I suggest you try writing a story based off of someone else's and see how well you do. Also, there is something called editing. Learn for once will you? Leaf's stories are way better then your stories! Ehem...anyways Leaf I love it thanks so much its the perfect plot for our stories to be combined!

    Rating:
    April 24, 2015 Flag


  • J. A. Smith

    An interesting idea.... Yet wierd. The writing style made the story a little hard to follow. One moment he's talking to the leaders the next he's on his bed. WHAT??? Also the first chapter there was this huge spill of Soto's life story. That was unnecessary. The best way to reveal stuff like that is throughout a story not all at once. If you want to get it all out in the beginning find a better way to do it. Soto is a little hard to relate to. And why does Vanessa start crying the moment she meets him. That's weird. With some work on the characters and making things a little clearer you could have a great story. (Two stars for effort)

    Rating:
    April 24, 2015 Flag


Comments / Critiques


    • Chapter: 8 Reply

      This chapter shows an improvement. Longer, with some nice descriptions between the fighting and Soto 's injuries. There were also some nice little touches, including 'sounds of fighting on the breeze'. It looks like you tried to take what I said into account. I'm not sure if this was written before my review, or perhaps you paid no heed to me and this improvement was entirely coincidental. There are still some (tiny) grammar errors, so comb over it again and see if you can tune it, and in this chapter I started to notice that many of your sentences start with the same 'He' suffix: He did this. He did that. He then did something else etc. Just be careful of repetition of your words. But again, a marked improvement. Do keep it up!

      April 27, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Reply

      Thanks. I'm still working on all of the chapters so far. I'm trying to get them as detailed as possible. 

      April 27, 2015 | Leaf Soto