Shadeless, a Horror story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Status: Completed

Summary:

The night was dark cold and so silent , except for the sound of the rain drops hitting the concrete ground , while the partial moon is shining on the wet street making it look like a mirror reflecting the emotions and fears of all those walking over it a pale looking middle aged man wearing a big rain coat , he looked so tired , he is Gabriel , he couldnt sleep for along time now , this is his journey as he discovers something horrible , something that froze the blood on his veins and changed everything to the worse

Created: January 3, 2015 | Updated: January 3, 2015

Genre : Horror

Language : English

Reviews: 2 | Rating:

Comments: 2

Favorites: 5

Reads: 1231


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1: Chapter 1 1003
2: Chapter 2 1072
3: Chapter 3 (The End) 1255
Total Wordcount: 3330

Reviews (2)


  • shini chan

    OMG THAT is amazing i really enjoyed reading it please keep going i didn't know u can write horror stories :3 well done ^_^

    Rating:
    January 8, 2015 Flag


  • anny robert

    from the summary i feel like it's a very intersting story i can't wait to read it and for sure i will give u a full analyze hhhhh

    Rating:
    January 4, 2015 Flag


Comments / Critiques


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      Immediately upon looking at your first chapter, a number of things spring forward that need to be addressed. (Don't worry they are minor details, but readers will be more likely to continue reading your story if they were removed/changed.) 

      - First of all, I felt the some of your sentences were very long "The night was dark , cold , and so silent , except for the sound of the rain drops hitting the concrete ground , while the partial moon is shining on the wet street making it look like a mirror reflecting the emotions and fears of all those walking over it , a pale looking middle aged man wearing a big rain coat , holding a brown umbrella and walking in fast steps towards the end of the street trying to avoid the watery spots of the street , until he got to a door with a sign that says " Doctor Olrik Clinic "​"  You should study other people's work and pay close attention to how they use commas ( , ) and full stops. ( . )

      - You misspelled "I'm " as "am" throughout the chapter. 

      - in my opinion ( and you can choose to ignore this if you want as this is subjective) you should start a new line whenever someone different speaks. 

      Example: "Hey!" Person A began.

      "Hello to you too!" Person B responded. "How are you today?"

      "I'm doing pretty well thank you."

      it just makes the chapter look more appealing to the reader, and you would be surprised how fuzzy readers can be when it comes to details like this. 

      But please do keep it up! I'll be sure to comment on the content of your story at some point.

       

      January 31, 2015 | Danny Power Hallihan (Dormant)


    • Reply

      Hello and thank you so much for taking the time to come and check my humble short story , this is my first time writing and i know it has some mistakes but am really trying to fix it as much as i can , thank you so much for your support and am going to do my best to work on those minor mistakes you pointed out .

      Looking forward to seeing your next replies when you read the rest of the chapters until then you take care 

      Peace 

      February 16, 2015 | Mohannad ilkarbal@gmail.com