Schism, a Fantasy story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Schism

By: N.K. Li

Status: In Progress

Summary:

Little did they know that they had opened a deadly rift, by thinning the walls between reality and the imaginary.

Created: August 27, 2013 | Updated: September 15, 2013

Genre : Fantasy

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 5

Favorites: 0

Reads: 1190


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      Read through chapter 2 so far. I really liked the quotes you started with. It was a nice way to introduce some things into the story without having your character spell them out. I also love the description of drowning. Though there was a point in there where you talked about the bubbles always doing something (I can't remember the exact line) but it made it sound like your main character had almost drown a few times. I would cut out the 'always' in that sentence. The only other suggestions I have is that you add the same level of description from the start of the story to the end part where they are on the train and maybe give us an idea of how much time has passed since the drowning incident and the present.

      August 28, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


    • Reply

      Just finished the rest. I really enjoyed reading this though I feel it would be better labeled as a science fiction over fantasy. My main critique is that I know absolutely nothing about your character's appearance...or name for that matter. Heck, for the majority of the story I didn't even know if your character was a boy or a girl since 'dude' and 'man' could apply to either depending on how their said (and for Harding, I wouldn't be surprised if he used both with females). Otherwise the story really is engaging.

      August 28, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


    • Reply

      Finally, someone who realises the narrator is... nameless and effectively gender-less :P Later on there'll be hints as to whether it's a male or female, though. Regarding the drowning bit and 'always', I meant to imply that the narrator had a recurring nightmare involving that near-drowning experience :P Glad you enjoyed it so far, and hope it'll continue to be a fun read at the very least.

      August 29, 2013 | N.K. Li


    • Reply

      Your most recent chapters really are very stimulating. It's clear you have some sort of background in the "hard" sciences which makes this really fun to read. I have no critique for you today, so sorry if you were hoping to get some. I just enjoyed this too much to really dig into any structural things.

      September 9, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


    • Reply

      More towards biology/chemistry/maths, with a scattering of physics. The mental stuff's mostly deductions based on psychobabble I get off Wikipedia and those things that pass for motivational books, haha. And psh! As long as the reader picks up on SOMETHING in the words, the comment is definitely worth a reply if I've got a moment to spare. Only reason I'm still writing is because almost eight years ago, someone gave me some decent constructive criticism, and hence I see the value of even a simple review, provided the reader actually *reads*.

      September 9, 2013 | N.K. Li