One day, you know?, a General story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

One day, you know?

By: Natalie S. Batey

Status: Completed

Summary:

Story of anxiety.

Created: November 12, 2014 | Updated: November 22, 2014

Genre : General

Language : English

Reviews: 2 | Rating:

Comments: 3

Favorites: 6

Reads: 189


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Total Wordcount: 622

Reviews (2)


  • Kain Delo

    It was really amusing how everything was pieced together. I feel like I've read something similar but I can't seem to put my finger on it... Anyway, it was a nice story, the anonymity of the boy added to the effect and all but it lacked description of the scene and what the boy is doing. If you had added a description of the places and of the action, it would have been a lot better. But again, all around good story. :)

    Rating:
    November 14, 2014 Flag


  • deactivated account

    It was quite sad, but very potent. You need to scratch on on your writing skill and use more descriptive words, but in all this is one of my favourites. Very well done, the use of simple everyday settings and how they can act as triggers was genius, really loved it!!

    Rating:
    November 12, 2014 Flag


Comments / Critiques


  • Reply

    Hello to you. I've just read your story and I like it. However, I'm here to give more of a critique.

    The biggest flaw to this story was that you preferred telling over showing. While your story comes across more as a fable to tell young kids, describing the boy's feeling instead of telling them, even a little, would help the story out, as well as lengthen it, if you want that.

    With description, maybe, if you can, describe the boy more. At least see if you can give us something more than just his gender and age - a hat, or grey pants, or worn shoes, etc. Otherwise, you do a good job at describing the setting and other people.

    To end on a better note, the ending was interesting and philosophical. In this short story, even with those dour worries, the boy showed some character development, taking a bad thought and seeing the lighter side of it, giving the readers hope and saving this story from a rather depressing ending.

    I'm happy to have read this story. Keep it up.

    May 6, 2015 | Monos D.O.A


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    I must say, what an interesting way to personify it. I love the ending, by the way. There are a few spots where I would use a period, instead of an exclamation point, but overall, I like this story, it encompasses what it is like to be someone with anxiety, in a form of personification that I have yet to encounter again. Love the timeline as well, slow and gradual at first, but then the events and things he see's are more rapid, and escalate in intensity.

     

    Really liked this, adding to my list,

     

    ML~

    November 13, 2014 | Miheal Larson 3rd


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Wow! I really enjoyed reading this, and it made me so sad. I like the way the character allows other peoples' misfortunes to give him anxiety and that makes it impossible to escape his worries. The ending is very good as well, because it ends in a bit of a cliffhanger when the boy contemplates his death and realizes that it would be the end of his worries. Very well done. I also like how you gave the anxieties a voice of their own, as if it's another character entirely speaking to him in his mind.

    Just a few things I saw that were mistakes:

    1) "The boys heart jumps" - boys should be "boy's"

    2) "any ways" should be "anyway"

    3) "That might be you if your not careful" - "your" should be "you're"

    November 23, 2014 | The Tigress