Skies of Avalon, a Fantasy story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Skies of Avalon

By: Emi V.

Status: In Progress

Summary:

Newly orphaned, a vision of destiny is sprawled before the young Seer. Merlin braves out to the border lands of King Uthers' Realm, to find the subject of destiny herself: The future Queen, Arwen. [Under editing]

Created: September 22, 2014 | Updated: March 23, 2016

Genre : Fantasy

Language : English

Reviews: 2 | Rating:

Comments: 32

Favorites: 16

Reads: 10724


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Reviews (2)


  • Fatima Tiwad

    This is great! You're obviously sitll in the process of editing, as there are a few hiccups throughout the chapters I have read, but as a whole, the plot lines are enough to entice me to continue reading. Good job, Xavier!

    Rating:
    November 18, 2014 Flag


  • Danny Power

    I have to admit, I don't read much fantasy works, but yours was genuinely interesting enough to pull me in. I have only read the first four chapters so far, but I really enjoyed your style of writing, reminiscent of Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones. Immediately we're pulled into Merlin's point of view, from humble beginnings to a new destiny thrust upon him. I liked the premise of using dreams (or nightmares). Both characters so far, Merlin and Arwen, have distinct characteristics and personalities, it's interesting to see just how Arwen morphs from one selling bread and caring for pigs, into a full-blown Queen. The task, based on religion, offers such a great oppurtunity as the backbone of the plot, because everyone knows that religion is such a subjective and varying thing, just look at all the different religions that exist today, and the conflicts that escalate because of disagreements over them. I can already tell that tensions will surface if Merlin and Arwen do try to restore a secure footing for the religion of the Goddess, and how those who oppose this will react. It's important to get readers to think like this, to imagine the next scenario and possible points of view from both sides, and I got that from your story. Having said that, there are a few (tiny) flaws, but I can appreciate that this work is still in progress. There are a few spelling mistakes (Like 'i'm' instead of 'I'm) and I would like more description of their surroundings. I had no idea just how large or small Merryvale was, how many people who were living there, other businesses and trades beside the bakery and the barn. Is it next to a river? Are there mountains? What was the weather like? You need not write long paragraphs about them, but it's nice to get a feel for the world you are trying to create, as well. For example: "Arwen rushed through the center of Merryvale, alive with the rush of customers and trademen carrying about their daily chores, the metallic clang of weapons mixing with the fresh smell of baked bread." etc. But your work IS good, I'm not trying to take that away from you, you can definitely improve, but I would rate this as 80%, and I would like to read more, which means you're doing pretty well!

    Rating:
    October 15, 2014 Flag


Comments / Critiques


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      As a history buff, I always have to go in with an open mind when reading renditions on such beloved legends. You pleasantly surprised me with the opening of the story. It was well written, and left on a tiny cliff hanger, and it made me want to continue reading! I love how Merlin is written, he seems like a complete grouch if I'm being honest, but it's not a bad thing. I actually found it hilarious how sarcastic he was when dealing with Morgase, Viviane, and Morgain. He's really snarky, like an old man in a young guys body. 

      October 29, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      Okay, chapter two seemed to be lacking something. I don't know, it was a little stale in comparison to ch.1. I want to agree with the review, and say that their was a bit of a lack in description of MerryVale.

      That being said, Arwen seems like a real fighter. Even if she's only ever been a Pig Keeper and seller of bread. She has this happy-go-lucky attitude about her, and she seems like a really easy going character. I really like her all in all. 

      I'm eager to see how the Merlin-Arwen duo evolves, it seems to me like there's gonna be a lot of head butting going on! It'll be hilarious. 

      October 29, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Chapter: 6 Reply

      Whoa, maybe I was too quick to say anything about your lack of descriptive writing! The way you wrote the terrain as they traveled to the sea was amazing.

      I'm really liking how they're getting all buddy-buddy now. They're still a little back-and-forths between them, but it looks more like friendly banter between them.

      I'm starting to see the story unfolding here, there tests are slowly being fulfilled! What really got me was Carolan's song about the King Sidhe! It gave me goosebumps, and I also saw how great of a poet you can be. 

      Maybe after you finish the novel, you can write a book of poetry? I'm getting hooked now, I need to grab some tea first, and then I'll continue reading!

      October 29, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Reply

      Thank-you! I'm glad you're enjoying the story thus far. I will admit; chapter two is one of my least favourite in the entire story. (That's not a good thing, especially since it is still this beginning) So I don't blame you at all for thinking it was lacking that certain 'oomph', 'cause I agree with you.

      I like to think it only gets better as the story progresses, and I think you'll agree with me there? (Hopefully)

      Thanks again for reading, as well as taking the time to comment!

      October 29, 2014 | Emi V.


    • Chapter: 7 Reply

      Okay, so the climax of this test didn't quite hit the mark for me, but I love how you described the first meeting between Carolan, Merlin, and Queen Onagh. 

      I guess if it ended in a full-out fight between Merlin and the Sidhe, it would kind of leave his devotion for all things magic a little blurred. So the direction you took was kind of the right way to go.. I'm still leaning to a little disappointment for not seeing some action.

      The end.. Okay, this is what made me love this chapter. The song of the Sidhe showed a glimpse into the future on what Arwen and Merlin will truly become. I loved it so much, I have to quote it.

      'To Merlin, and to Arwen,

      Keepers of good faith.

      To the Seer, to the Knight,

      To blessed hero's unscathed.

      To the Warlock, and to the Lady fair,

      To all who would follow, be free from despair.

      To the High Priest, and to the Valiant Queen,

      May destiny guide you, and reveal your dreams..'

      I'm on a Skies of Avalon binge here, and no one can stop me~

      October 29, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Chapter: 10 Reply

      Yes! This is where the action is at! I love how you're combining a bunch of legends and creating one larger, much better one!

      Arwen is amazing!!!!!! Her willl-power is inspiring, I felt myself clenching my mug while she faced-off with the Dearg Due! Merlin was finally able to let go of some of his sorrow regarding the loss of his mother, the little flash-back sequence was so lovely, I litterally found myself saying 'aw'. 

      I feel bad the unicorn had to sacrifice itself in order to defeat the Dearg Due, but I loved how it was able to help Arwen figure out that destiny wasn't just going to hand itself over on a silver platter for her, and that it was something you had to fight for, something you had to want. If there's anything I despise more is when characters are handed everything, all this power just because they're the 'chosen one'. But its not the case for Arwen! You're right, it just keeps getting juicier and juicier as I read!!

      October 29, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      Great first chapter! Plot wise I'm intrigued and I am going to continue reading because I think it's a great story. You got to the point of the story rather well and didn't bog me down with unnecessary details which is a common mistake. I like how you portrayed his relationship with his mother as well. However, on the side of grammar and typos, there are quite a few things I'd like to point out.

      1) "Far from in fact, he absolutely abhorred violence." - I think you meant to write "Far from it, in fact.", 2) "Suffice it to say, anyone who dealt with situations using violence, Merlin found to be little more than ogres fresh from their mothers womb." - This is a bit of an awkward sentence. I would reword it this way: "Suffice it to say, anyone who dealt with situations using violence was little more than an ogre fresh from its mother's womb to Merlin.", 3) "His mother always was a dreamer. Looking out to the skies as she would fetch water from the well." - This would work best as one sentence with a comma in between., 4) 'One day, an angel will fall from the heavens,' she would tell him, 'And he will lead you to your destiny, my boy.' - Since this is dialogue it should have these quotations (") instead of just an apostrophe ('). Also "and" should not be capitalized since it is not the beginning of her sentence but merely a continuation of what she was saying before, 5) "One can only imagine, just how devastated he was on that morn', when he found her laying beneath the blue sky with a smile on her face. He had bet she was waiting for an angel." - The commas in the first sentence are unnecessary and actually disturb the flow of the sentence. The second sentence is a little awkward and could be worded differently, more like: She had been waiting on an angel, he bet. Also this paragraph is a bit vague. I'm assuming it meant that his mother died, but there needs to be something else here to make it clearer. Perhaps in the first sentence you could add something like "he found her laying cold and still beneath the blue sky with a smile on her face.", 6) "His simple life becoming, a bit simpler without his beloved mother." - Get rid of the comma, 7) "He wasn't sure if he was relieved, or if he missed them. As they served a reminder of his mother and her theoretic musings." - This should all be one sentence with a comma in between, 8) "Until, that night." - Again with that darn comma. :) It needs to go, 9) "Where the muddy skies laid over head, and a silent rumble could be heard in the distance." - That's not really a full sentence. If you get rid of "Where" it would be a complete sentence. As it is, it's a fragment. Overhead is one word, not two. Also, at the end of this paragraph you used a semicolon (;) instead of a colon (:). It should be a colon. Semicolons are used in place of a comma when you want to merge two related sentences together (I wouldn't even use them at all if you're not familiar with their correct usage as they can be tricky and usually unnecessary anyway)., 10) "the silhouette of three shapely woman could be made out." - There are three women, not one woman., 11) "They bore no clothing, instead vines were tangled about them, and the petals of flowers could barely be seen in their hair." - This is an example of where you could have used a semicolon and it would have worked well. I'd either use a semicolon or a hyphen here- "They bore no clothing; instead vines were tangled about them, and the petals of flowers could barely be seen in their hair.", 12) "Merlin squinted to try to make out who they were, though, even if he saw them, he had a sure feeling he'd not know who they were." - This sentence is pretty long. I think it can either be reworded or made into two sentences. Ex: Merlin squinted to try to make out who they were, though he doubted he'd recognize them anyway. OR Merlin squinted to try to make out who they were. Even if he saw them, though, he had a sure feeling he wouldn't know who they were., 13) Again, every time someone is speaking you need to put quotation marks (") instead of apostrophes ('), 14) "he asked. And he was again taken to thinking back on his mother, who spoke of a higher power, seeking his attention." - Capitalize "he" and merge these two sentences together, putting a comma after "asked", 15) Capitalize the words that come after the dialogue because it's a new sentence every time, 16) The word "hesitance" should be "hesitation", 17) "Merlin tugged on the collar of his tunic, looking everywhere but them." - Should be "everywhere but at them.", And the sentence after that one has a comma that should not be there at the end, 18) You used woman again instead of women right after this paragraph, 19) "The one on the right, had black hair, braided to the side, and down her left shoulder." - Get rid of the comma after "right", 20) "If they weren't ailed by their state of dress (or lack of there of) neither would he be" - The word "ailed" means sickened but in a literal sense. It should only be used to convey the idea that someone is actually sick with an ailment (or disease). Also there cannot be a "lack there of" of their "state of dress". I know what you were trying to say, but it really makes a lot more sense if you just put it in a much simpler way. It should be something like this: "If they weren't affected by their lack of clothing than neither would he.", 21) "Merlin gulped loudly, comically so! He hand't exactly ever had a courageous bone in his body. However in that moment, he felt there was no reason to need be brave. So, he walked forward, stopping to stare down at the lake before him." - I... have no idea what you were trying to say here lol. In the vernacular form of English, here's what my brain was able to translate: "Merlin gulped loudly in a funny way. He had never had a courageous bone in his body. But in that moment he didn't think there was a need to be brave so he walked forward, stopping to stare down at the lake before him." When I think of the word "gulp" I don't really think you can do that loudly, also if you're describing him as cowardly in that moment I would use adjectives like "quietly" and "nervously" ect. I also don't know why it's funny that he "gulped loudly", 22) "he had not sunk into the water. He gaped as he stood, the water rippling beneath his foot." - I'm not entirely sure but I think that this is in the wrong tense. It should be: he did not sink into the water. As for that second sentence, I think it should be "feet" not "foot". Either you meant to write "feet" and it's just a typo, or you actually meant to write "foot", but I got the sense that he was already standing in the water, not just dipping one of his feet in, 23) "they too, were standing upon the lake, just as he." - "he" should be "him" and "as" should be "like", 24) In the sentence after that, "was stood afore them" should be "stood afore them". I personally would change "afore" to "before" also, because you want it to match the rest of your writing and this really stands out in a distracting way, 25) You used the phrase "sneaky little minx" to describe Merlin's mother. Minx means a cunning or flirtatious woman. I don't think Merlin's mother was a cunning or flirtatious woman, and even if she was I don't see how foretelling that Merlin would be led to some great destiny makes her a minx., 26) "someones blood" should be "someone's blood" because the word "someone's" is possessive, 27) When the three women are accepting Merlin's undertaking of this task he is given, their separate dialogues should be in different paragraphs. Two or more characters should never have a line of dialogue in the same paragraph.

      Overall try to keep your writing style consistent. You tried to make it sound old-fashioned in some areas but I think it would be more successful if you stick with what you know and what your readers are going to understand. Also, watch your use of commas. You use too many of them sometimes. A comma is used to tell a reader when to take a breath. Read your sentences out loud and pause after every comma. You'll start to notice that your sentences aren't flowing very well because you're pausing too often. For example, read, this sentence, out loud, and, you'll see, that, there are way, too many, commas in it. Quite a few of your sentences are like this.

      I hope I could help with this review! The plot itself is great so keep it up in that area! As for grammar and wording, it needs some fine-tuning, but you seem to have stepped out of your comfort zone and went out of your way to use descriptive words that are uncommon- that's always a good thing to try to do! It certainly wasn't written in a boring, repetitive way. It was colorful as it should be. BUT perhaps it was a bit too colorful sometimes. It can be compared to a canvas. You need to know which colors to use where to create a beautiful painting. If you just splash all of the colors onto the canvas haphazardly it's not really going to do anything but create a giant blob. So just keep that in mind for the future. (by the way your story isn't a giant blob, it was just a comparison lol)

      November 9, 2014 | The Tigress


    • Reply

      Thank-you! I'll make the changes as soon as I start my editing.

      November 11, 2014 | Emi V.


    • Reply

      Something about this comment came off as mean-spirited to me.. >__>'' Was it just me?

      I'm going to try to debunk some of what you said here. Keep in mind, I'm no grammar expert..lol.

      "Since this is dialogue it should have these quotations (") instead of just an apostrophe (') " -Apostrophe's are actually quite commonly used when writing dialogue. It is mostly found in British literature though. From reading most of her story, it's kind of clear she's Canadian. She spells words like 'honour' instead of 'honor'. Canada is part of the commonwealth of the UK. So there's no need to correct her for it. It would also be correct if no quotations were used at all. I've seen it done in books before. The only example that jumps to mind right now is 'The Road'. I can't even remember who the author for that novel was o_o. It all depends on the authors writing style really, and how they learned to write. 

      "Also "and" should not be capitalized since it is not the beginning of her sentence but merely a continuation of what she was saying before" -This seems to be a dated way of writing. There isn't exactly a ten commandments of 'How to Write' lol. Thou shalt not start your sentence with a conjunction? Nuh-uh. There are many articles online and magazines stating that it is completely fine to start a sentence with 'em. Even my Proff at school does it. I've also seen them in plenty of novels I've read as well. 

      "Also this paragraph is a bit vague. I'm assuming it meant his mother died, but there needs to be something else here to make it clearer" -It was pretty clear to me what she meant to write? Or am I making it up? Lol. There were a few sentences that subtly hint at it actually. "Back when his mother had lived" and "His simple life becoming a bit simpler without his beloved mother" as well as "as they served a reminder of his mother.."

      "The word "ailed" means sickened but in a literal sense. It should only be used to convey the idea that someone is actually sick with an ailment (or disease)" I kind of thought it could be used both ways? As ailed can also refer to feeling "unwell" or "uneasy". Not taking away from your knowledge of words here, but that's just how I came to understand the word as well. 

      "I...have no idea what you were trying to say here lol" -I understood what she was saying..>_>

      "When I think of the word "gulp" I don't really think you can do that loudly, also if you're describing him as cowardly in that moment I would adjectives like "quietly" and "nervously" ect. I also don't know why it's funny that he "gulped loudly" " -My dad gulps pretty loudly actually. Also, I found it funny when Merlin gulped loudly. Humor is subjective. I think this is mainly where I kind of felt your comment was mean-spirited? That little comment there didn't really have anything to add or help with her writing.. it just kind of seemed like you stomped all over it to be honest. I'm sure there are things you find funny that I don't. If so, I'd never think to say anything against it like that. 

      "You used the phrase "sneaky little minx" to describe Merlin's mother. Minx means a cunning or flirtatious woman." -Again, I think the word minx was used correctly? Maybe the word 'sneaky' she be subtracted from this little equation to make it fit better. When I read it, I sort of thought his mother was cunning in a way that showed she was adept in her skill at reading into things that were happening mainly around her son. In a way, a sixth sense. Of course she could have just used the word cunning, or changed the phraseology all together. I still think it worked. That's the fun in writing though, isn't it? Maybe I'm just stretching it here.. but that's how I see it. Writers should be good at honing their craft, but I also think they should be flexible about how they use it. How else would anyone advance in writing, or find their own style for that matter?

      For the most part I agree with what you said. At some point editing is a must. For now I think she's just focusing on getting out her story. Which is completely fine. Until she labels this story as complete, I refuse to start focusing on anything but the plot and character developments. I found it compelling enough to read passed the errors. Just the things stated above in particular kind of irked me, and I kind of had to put on my super hero cape here and come to the rescue. 

      You seem like a good writer yourself though.

      As for Emi, I love your story so far!!! *-* Definitely reading it start to finish.

      November 22, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Reply

      I'm sorry if I came off as mean-spirited but I have to disagree with you. That wasn't my intention at all. I did say positive things about the story as well, I just wanted to help. And it took me a very long time to write that review because I wanted to make sure it was as helpful and accurate as possible. I love Emi, she's never wronged me before. If it seems like I "tore up" her work it's because I did. I do that for everyone, not just her. :)

      I didn't know that people from Canada wrote differently when it came to dialogue, nor have I ever read anything that supports what you said (I agree with you though, I think you're right. If you have proof, which you do, I'll believe it). It's just in all of my personal experience I wasn't aware of this. And actually no it wasn't obvious to me that she was Canadian but that's beside the point. I'm not writing this to argue, I'm just writing it to apologize and admit that I may have been wrong there.

      As for everything else, I'm not taking it back. :D

      I myself start sentences with And and other words like it. That's not what I was referring to. What I meant was that it's not the beginning of the sentence. It was a dialogue that was started, then interrupted by narrative, then continued. 

      I knew his mother had died. I just didn't think the sentence itself was very clear. That's the sentence that was supposed to describe how she died, and I didn't understand it. It's fine if you did, but I didn't.

      I looked up the definition of ailed before I wrote about it just to make sure I wasn't completely making something up. When I first read it it just seemed off to me so I decided to research it, so I still think it's the wrong wording.

      Again, I'm glad you understood something that I didn't. That doesn't change the fact that I didn't. XD

      The expression "gulped loudly" to me seemed to stand out. I didn't like the wording, and I didn't mean to say that it was a failed attempt at humor. What she wrote, I believe, wasn't an attempt at humor at all. She wrote: "Merlin gulped loudly, comically so!" - In the context of what I was reading, I failed to see how it was "comically so". I just didn't understand. She doesn't have to listen to that advice either, if she doesn't want. It was just something I found to be out of place.

      I also looked up the definition of minx when I wrote about it, and writing style is one thing, but using the right words is another thing. Again, she can keep it how she wants, but I don't think it's the right word.

      No need to come to the rescue. I wasn't attacking her. I don't believe in destroying other writers and crushing their hopes and dreams. I just want to be as honest as possible and tell someone when I think something is wrong. People have done it to me as well and I actually appreciate it. If the author herself feels like she's being attacked she can say the word and I'll hold back. I may not come across as "nice" to those who don't know me, but I'm no bully.

      Anyway, I didn't post this to argue or anything like that. This isn't the place for it. I just didn't want anyone to think that I'm mean-spirited. Again, I apologize for sounding mean but it wasn't meant to be mean.

      November 23, 2014 | The Tigress


    • Reply

      Thank-you both for commenting on my story. Both of your opinions are valid, and your advice has truly helped me improve my writing. I appreciate your honesty as well as the time you took to read and provide some input on my extremely un-edited story. Thank-you so much again! :)

      November 23, 2014 | Emi V.


    • Chapter: 11 Reply

      Sorry I haven't been commenting recently. My life got pretty busy really quickly, but I'm back now!! 

      I really liked this chapter, it kind of imagined it like a T.V show, 'yknow? Like this wasthe end of the first season. It ended really well. 

      It was sad to see Ol'Wise and Arwen part way. I like how they never really said good-bye, because they knew it wasn't going to be the last time they saw each other. 

      When Merlin and Arwen received their seals I fist pumped, not going to lie about that. I wondered why you used a triquetra as the cover for your story and now I know. 

      Here's what made this chapter really great---- The mention of Lancelot, AND, the hinting to Excalibur. That one line was all it took to make the chapter so good "Take me up, cast me away" I can't wait till Arwen gets it!

      November 12, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Reply

      Thanks for taking time out of your day to comment, Natalie! I really appreciate it, and I hope every other chapter continues to satisfy! :)

      November 12, 2014 | Emi V.


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      Omg this chapter is so cute. XD I immediately loved Arwen so much. It was great when she beat Merlin with a broom! Their interactions were very amusing to watch. The only complaint I have for this chapter is that you keep switching quite randomly between Arwen's p.o.v and Arwen's p.o.v. Either do half the chapter Arwen and the other half Merlin, or honestly I'd just do the whole chapter from Arwen's perspective. Other than that this was a very amusing chapter!

      November 14, 2014 | The Tigress


    • Chapter: 12 Reply

      Grr... I don't like Claudas. He is such.a.creep. He's obviously good at hiding that thoguh, obviously the people of Dolorous Guard love him. 

      I really like how you portrayed Lancelot's character as well. You solidified his beliefs by him constantly reminding himself just why he suffers. I kind of find it cowardly how he just takes Claudas's constant berating, instead of taking him down. That's just me though, I feel like if it came down for them to get into a scuffle, Lancelot would take him down easily. But I'm only saying that causeI really, really, dislike Claudas. 

      Oh, by the way, I don't know if this was a typo.. and I don't mean to come off as like this crazy history nerd, but you misspelled Ninianne. Or I'm not sure if you did that on purpose. Anyways, I'm off to the next chapter. 

      November 15, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Reply

      Thanks! I did my best to make Claudas as unlikable as possible. As well as trying to portray Lancelot as this fearful guy who tries to cover it under everything else. 

      Also, don't worry about coming off as a history nerd. Those are the greatest types after all, and I'm glad I have someone like you reading through my story.

      I actually intentionally wrote her name as  Ninaine. There are so many renditions to the Arthurian Legend, and with that came all these different portrayals of one character. I had used the name Nimueh previously, to somewhat characterize the Lady of the Lake. I decided not to make it turn out like that, however.

      There were so many portrayals of that character; Nimueh, Niniane, Viviane, Morgaine, Elaine.. etc, etc. I couldn't decide, so I just took two names and mashed it together. It was lazy, but I liked the outcome. That's basically how the name Ninaine (Niniane + Morgaine/Elaine) came to be. I'm done ranting, but I hope that answered your question :)

      November 15, 2014 | Emi V.


    • Chapter: 13 Reply

      I know I've said this but I really don't like Claudas. I can't believe he would go back on his word,   or maybe I can?? He's just that kind of person. I am interested to see his back story though, unless it's just the same as the one I know. I just figured he would have had some sense of honor, especially with him being a Knight and all. The way he treats people, especially Lancelot, says otherwise thouhg. You can tell he really trusts Sir Galahaut though, so that's something, I guess.. 

      Sorry again for not commenting as often! College life is a hard life, and I've been practicing my writing as well. I have zero ideas for a new story now though, and I have a few days off. So I'll be commenting more frequently~

      November 19, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Chapter: 14 Reply

      I'm in love with this *-*

      I love how closely you followed Lancelot's history, one of them that is. You changed just enough to make it your own, your  spin on it is nice. 

      I loved the duo between Merlin and Lancelot here, and how they worked together to fight their way to the castle. Merlin was extremely awesome in using his magick here, and Lancelot was just as awesome with his sword skills. He showed just how adept he is at using swords.

      My favorite part was when Sir Galahaut presented Arondight to Lancelot. Just one thing I should point out- sorry if I come off as prissy here with my historical knowledge > < but the correct spelling is Galehaut or Gallehault. Whichever you'd prefer.

      I still loved this though, *-* I'm only wondering if Lancelot will be able to handle Claudas at this point, especially if he's exhausted, and injured! 

      November 19, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Chapter: 15 Reply

      Yup, yup. I keep repeating myself. This chapter is probably my #1 right now. *-* 

      Lancelot as the becomes the white knight, he forms a connection with his ancestry, he becomes Lord of Joyous Guard. 

      I am currently sighing happily right now, Emi. This is a great beginning to what's probably my favorite character right now. I wish I could pull Lancelot out of the story and claim him for myself. Forget Arwen, I'm completely free.

      Reading more now! 

      November 20, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Chapter: 16 Reply

      I'm iffy on Ninaine.. I feel like her jealousy is going to interfere with the friendship she's created with Arwen. I do like their interactions though. Arwen really needed a girl she could bond with. Now theirs Merlin/Lancelot and Arwen/Ninaine. I like it!

      I'm with Ninaine on one thing though.. I got a vibe from Merlin and Arwen. Are they going to be a thing, or am I just looking too far into it? Same with Lancelot and Arwen, I'm sorry to Ninaine, but I like them together much better than her and him. I guess I'm just not too fond of jealous people. 

       

      November 20, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Reply

      It's okay if you're not too fond of her. If I'm being honest, I started off writing her as a character to hate. She was going to be a villain (ish) character, but then the more I started writing her, the more I began to like her. She turned out to be a flawed, insecure type of gal, but she is able to show support for Arwen later on. 

      As for the romantic aspect of the story. Well, I don't want to spoil it but, I was all over the place there too. Sorry to say, Arwen and Lancelot don't end up happening. You're studying history, you know the legend, so you'll know why. Of course there is a definite romance set in stone with Lancelot and a girl you haven't come to yet (her name starts with a G) ;) As for Arwen, I don't know if she should have one or not. Too much romance sometimes makes me gag. I like just a fair amount. Once you read more, maybe you can tell me who you think she has the best chemistry with? I might consider your choice. Thanks again, Natalie!

      November 20, 2014 | Emi V.


    • Chapter: 17 Reply

      I'm warming up to Ninaine.. I'm fighting hard against it though. I really enjoyed the banter between Lancelot, Merlin, Sir Bors the younger, and Sir Lionel. Lancelot was "Meh" when Merlin showed his magick, and the others were like "Holy crap!" So funny xD

      Okay, I know you also said I might have some sway in where the romance leans.. and that Lancelot is completely marked off cause he goes and has a thing with a certain lady who may or may not get him banished. *cough cough*, but I am so torn here. I really like Lancelot and Arwen, but then you go and show how cute Merlin is with her too ;__; Why can't she have both? Maybe later chapters will change my mind.

      November 22, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Chapter: 18 Reply

      Okay, it's official. Ninaine is now my favorite. Not only is she really cute and protective of Arwen, she's also really good at acting the part of a loyal servant. I might have been wrong in my judgment of her. Arwen sure did gain a great follower. 

      I loved the very brief conversation the girls had when Arwen was practicing her swordsmanship. That was so adorable. 

      I'm still sad that Lancelot/Arwen won't happen. I really do think they would have done well together, but I think Arwen made the right choice from distancing herself from him. Ninaine is in love with him, and Arwen would rather have two good friends than one lover. ._. such a shame though. 

      I also got a vibe here, when Merlin awoke from his vision and he found his head in Ninaine's lap. Am I looking too far into this, or does something actually happen? Lol. I guess I'll keep reading, but if it is a thing.. I'm iffy on it. But if Ninaine turns out to be who I think she might become.. it'll be pretty accurate. Just don't tell me she imprisons Merlin in a cave for eternity or whatever. Lol. I'll blow my top if that happens.

      I'm also going to say that I'm really excited for Arwen! She's slowly going to form into the Queen she's meant to be! I'm excited!

      November 25, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Reply

      I'm glad you warmed up to her character! She ended up being one of my favourites as well when I wrote her. I have no idea how she grew on me like that, but she did. 

      I'm sorry that Lancelot and Arwen aren't going to be a thing. I know you love them together but it just didn't feel right to me. You know the legend anyhow, and if it turned out like that, I would feel kind of obligated to make Lancelot have a sad ending. I didn't really want him to have an ending like that though, so I changed it for him to have a better outcome. 

      Hopefully you'll start warming up to other aspects of it, like you did with Ninaine.

      Thanks for commenting! :)

      November 25, 2014 | Emi V.


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      I have to say I like some of the humor I see in this, like Merlin's problem with the chicken poop, and when he thought of Arwen getting married to a king and said "there are fairer maidens to be had". Lol. I like Merlin a lot more now than I did in the first chapter, and I think your writing improves every time. :) The plot is moving quickly, but not too quickly, and I like that. Each chapter has something significant in it so far. Oh and I also really like Arwen. The interactions between the two, however, are what really amuse me.

      November 26, 2014 | The Tigress


    • Chapter: 19 Reply

      Mordred??? Oh no, Arwen, run! Leave Camelot!! If Merlin couldn't see his future, that can only mean trouble. This story is slowly taking a political turn. I'm loving the Knights and the court. The differences in the social hierarchy. Arwen has to tip-toe around how she treats her friends in public now, otherwise it'll be considered bad form. Oh man. I'm getting really into this.

       

      November 27, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Chapter: 20 Reply

      Sorry I haven't been commenting. School is keeping a lot of my focus. I finally found some time though!

      Okay, so I really loved this chapter. It's getting more and more political as the chapters go by. I can understand why Arwen seems a bit more timid than usual while in Camelot. Compared to her more care-free type of self in the earlier chapters. She has to watch what she says, and a lot has to be filtered because she must become a Queen. People of the court have to see that too, so it's no wonder she's clinging and depending on Ninaine and Merlin more than usual.

      Agravain is kind of awesome. I know he's kind of playing the villain right now, but I really enjoy it. He's a snake basically. Especially when King Lot and King Pellinore were dying in the chamber floor. I kind of laughed as he did nothing to say goodbye to his father as he bled out, and instead chose to try and paint himself a good guy in front of Pellinore's knights. Which makes me wonder.. does he really love his family? He seems fond enough of Mordred, but I don't know how deep that runs. Even Gawain knows Agrvain can be cruel. Hm.. Good character right there.

      Speaking of Mordred, he seems like a good guy. A real loyal guy, just misguided really. I get jittery when he and Arwen are alone. I basically worry for her safety around him. Like at any moment he'll strike. But that seems really out of character for the way you made Mordred act.

      Last thing I'm saying for this: I feel like you taunted my want of Arwen and Lancelot ending up together with this line "Lancelot felt his breath stolen away at the sight of Arwen in her beautiful velvet dress and her hair so perfectly curled" Ugh. Poor Lancelot, he's so sweet *-* Sigh, such a shame they can't be.

      December 4, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Reply

      I like how you can pick up on the angles I'm going for when writing my characters. 

      I'm going to say: I think Agravain is probably one of my favourite characters to write, simple because it's so fun for me to write bad guys. I can literally make them do anything, and I wouldn't feel bad about it. I even might chuckle while writing it out, just to get in the zone when doing it. To be a bad guy you got to play the part, know what I'm saying? hahaha. 

      Same with Mordred! In my head, he perceives himself as this 'cool and mysterious' guy who seems to be thoughtful, but in reality all the other characters just see him as an angsty brooding teen that they like to pick on and have fun with. (His brothers expecially) 

      As for the romance, there's no easy way to let it simmer down between Lancelot and Arwen. I was in no way trying to taunt you by writing that, I promise. Though it is funny to watch you suffer the loss of it hahahaha. It is kind of a shame that they don't end up together. I think they would have done really well together, maybe formed a nice little family in their later years. Alas, 'twas not meant to be. :'( While my rendition of the Arthurian legend steers in a different direction, I have to keep true to some of the original plot don't I? 

      I hope that the later chapters don't disappoint, and again; Thanks for commenting, Natalie!

      December 19, 2014 | Emi V.


    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      One thing I wanted to say about this chapter is that you switch between POV's quite randomly. It's hard to follow and gets confusing. Perhaps you can do something to indicate a switch in POV like make a space or put a line? That would make it easier to keep track of.

      I didn't quite understand what happened with the whole dream/not-dream thing and Arwen suddenly disappearing and all that... I feel like it could have been explained better.

      Is that a cliffhanger at the end? Hm... I don't trust Nimueh. :D As you have probably guessed by now, I have no knowledge of these characters outside of this story so I don't know their legends and who they are. I may be more confused than most readers.

      December 19, 2014 | The Tigress


    • Reply

      Yeah, I've been reading it over recently and noticed the random POV switches, too. It was my first attempt at writing a real full-length story, but looking back now I can see a whole lot that needs editing. 

      And it's fine if you don't really follow the Arthurian legend. I know it's not exactly your type of genre to read. But I hope you can enjoy what I have (as messily written as it is) Thanks for commenting, it means a lot! :) I'll be sure to get around to fixing the little blips I have in the story some time soon.

      December 19, 2014 | Emi V.


    • Chapter: 21 Reply

      Sorry I've been gone most of the month! I had free time away from college and I spent it going on vacation *-* But I have returned and you can't get rid of me. 

      On to my thoughts on the chapter~

      So first things first. Guinevere. She is sooo cute *-* I love her, seriously. And I love how she almost instantly fell in love with Lancelot. The whole love triangle between her, Ninaine, and Lancelot is super funny. Especially with her confession to Arwen as they ate in the end of the chapter. Arwen and Ninaine seem so lost with how to react. I would to if that happened. She just met Lancelot and hardly spoke to him, but she does seem younger than them.. so I guess she could be all over the place with her hormones, because I'm guessing she's still a teen? 

      I loved the sparring match between Mordred and Arwen. That glare she sent Merlin's way was so funny. So she see's a bit of Merlin in Mordred, hm? Are you trying to tell me something here- or am I looking too far into things?????

      Agravain.. he's a bit slippery, isn't he? I still like him, but I hope he keeps his distance from Arwen's group. Leave the poor babies alone. They're trying to build a Utopia!! 

      Anyway, job well done, Emi~ *-* Expect to hear from me more regularly again. 

      December 22, 2014 | Natalie S. Batey


    • Reply

      Welcome back, Natalie! And as always: Thank-you kindly for the comment. :)

      I'm glad you liked Guinevere! Honestly, I don't.. not so much, she's a bit boring to me. I was afraid of people seeing my dislike for her to shine through my writing, but I guess that's not the case! So that's a small blessing.

      The sparring scene, yes, yes. I enjoyed writing that. I used it basically as a test to see how Mordred and Arwen should interact as characters, and that's what came out! I wasn't going to keep it in the story, but I enjoyed it so much that I hoped others might as well. I'm relieved that you did. And maybe you're not looking too far into things. I don't know. As of right now, I still don't know if there should be a thing between him and her. 

      Agravain, that little poop is still amongst my favourite characters. I can make him do anything so he's as slippery to me as he is for you. He's a riot, and I love him. :)

      I shall wait with bated breath for you next comment, thanks so much again!

      December 23, 2014 | Emi V.