The Taken, a Science Fiction story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

The Taken

By: T.J Brink

Status: In Progress

Summary:

29/8/13- I just wanted to say that this book is currently on hold, until I have time to re-write the first three chapters. The new chapters will probably be different, but the main ideals will still be there. Thank you every one for reviewing this story- feedback is still welcomed and greatly appreciated, you guys rock!

Created: August 20, 2013 | Updated: September 1, 2013

Genre : Science Fiction

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 8

Favorites: 1

Reads: 451


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1: ONE 627
2: TWO 1139
3: THREE 1528
Total Wordcount: 3294

Reviews (0)


    Comments / Critiques


    • Reply

      The first chapter is really good in that it makes me want to know more of what's going on. Where is she? Why does she have to stay five more years? Who is Lucifer and Nanni to her? etc, etc. It's very engaging. One thing to watch for is your tenses. There weren't many issues with this, but I did find a few spots where you flipped from past tense to present. So just be careful when you post other chapters to watch for it.

      August 25, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


    • Reply

      Thank you so much for reviewing all of my chapters! I will certainly keep your comments in mind when I get around to re-writing it. Thank you!!

      August 25, 2013 | T.J Brink


    • Reply

      Chapter two was even better than the first. One suggestion would give us a little more information on what exactly they're doing there. I get that it's a lab and that they are testing children but does Rye have any idea why? And what kind of tests? It would just add to the overall suspense that you create at the end of the chapter when she and Sam are taken away.

      August 25, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


    • Reply

      Chapter three had a really nice bit of description about the Shire and the States, but I almost feel it could have come earlier in the story. Maybe chapter two? Also a little section linking the paragraph about the gifts to the next one would be good. I had to read if twice to understand what was happening. The final few paragraphs a nice and vivid. A good bit of detail there. But again I'll say that if you put a little more description into chapter one and two about what's going on the whole drama of three would seem greater/more significant. Just a thought.

      August 25, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


    • Reply

      I like it but I found some terrible things or I see it that 'cause i think in Russian I think on my native language standarts... In the 1st chapter you use many "my" to items when you may write the article "the" instead of. I think it will be read more pro'. Another thing is a rainbow of colors, it's not necessary to write all colors, Rye seeing, it will better if you point to that colors which "hurt" Rye such as whites wall do her feel the nausea. I got it in mind, but I don't need to see pink dress Nanni, Some especialities of her voice was enough for me to imagine her as 3D-character. Next thing I dislike is a slow-going story. There are many thought and reactions but a little actions in first chapter more than others. Lit.agent Evan Marshall advise write reaction scenes after action scenes. And as I think this is special school for "gifted" children like in estate prison in "Alphas" series or another series with a same thing about "gifted" children. It's not bad but it's secondary; and you must try much better to avoid stamps. Good luck and go on.

      August 26, 2013 | Denis Trebushnikov


    • Reply

      DUDE!!!!! I love this!!! It's wonderfully written, mysterious, and entertaining. Long story short. IT FREAKIN' ROCKS! I love it so much that I'm forgoing my grammar Nazi persona and putting smiley faces and little text heart things that I don't really know what they're called and exclamation points galore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D <3 <3 <3

      August 26, 2013 | Terryn Lewis


    • Reply

      I'm going to praise you before I tear it open. First chapter waas great. It was well written and a great beginning to a very promising story. There were only a few gramatical errors, so kudos to you. I like how she views Lucifer, and how you portrayed her relationships with him and Nanni. It could use a bit of work, but it's good. I'd like to see more of their relationship. One thing I didn't like: the dress scene. It does show who Nanni is and builds her and Rye's relationship, but why does she even have a dress like that? And why does Nanni want her to wear it? I'm just saying that it doesn't make sense in context. Chapter 2: Good start, but I didn't like this one. It was too choppy. I know you're trying to get information in about everything, but it doesn't work the way you wrote it. Maybe revise it with the Gerad incident actually happening instead of being a memory. You could put it on the end of the sparring and it would work better. Then she could get her leg fixed up before going to the mess hall. Also, the Sam thing. It started out great. It was a great start, but then her emotions bounce. At first she's all tough but then he grabs her hand and she melts and they're instantly friends. What? No. Try her pulling away but then mention the spark of memory. Then chapter 3 would make more sense when she tries to get to him. She isn't close to him yet, but definitely feels something that's strong enough to make her want to protect him. You see what I mean? Honestly, I really love the concept. It's coming along great. The descriptions are fantastic. You have a great thing going here and have a lot of potential. Keep it up! I can't wait to read more.

      August 28, 2013 | TomaHawk ~ Slowly coming back


    • Reply

      I liked the story. Before I give you any real critiques I'd like to read your redo's. I will critique those. Good story so far.

      September 14, 2013 | Elizia Brittian