Status: Completed
Summary:
Created: May 26, 2014 | Updated: June 14, 2015
Genre : Romance
Language : English
Reviews: 1 | Rating:
Favorites: 2
Reads: 1989
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| 1: | Just As Hard | 0 |
| 2: | Experimental | 3763 |
| 3: | Childhood Dream | 3852 |
| 4: | Lost Blossom | 1594 |
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| Total Wordcount: | 10160 |
Reviews (1)
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Danny Power Hallihan (Dormant)
As a collection of short stories, these hold a lot of potential. It was a terribly confusing story before, but the fact that we now know that these are a series of one-chapter stories makes things easier to understand. Each individual circumstance between each set of characters were nicely-judged, their conversations and emotions were mostly fine, and you have many various themes, some of them I did not expect when I first came across this story. Some of your chapters MAY still be a little short, but I can appreciate that this is still a 'work in progress'. One thing I would suggest is to look up different works from different writers to see how they describe the surroundings of each set of characters (you would be surprised how important the environment is for people to paint the picture in their head) as well as conversations between people (it's still a little bit...unrealistic in places) I'll add another star for each set of improvements made, but fixing the book description was the first step in the right direction. Keep it up!Rating:
October 24, 2014 Flag
Comments / Critiques
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Chapter: 2 Reply
Ummmm.....
Okay, maybe I'm being rude by opening this comment like that, and I apologize. However, I felt slightly...put off by this opening chapter...and it's hard to put my finger on it. Maybe it's the amount of swear words assaulting every second or third line. Obviously opinions are subjective, and I'm not saying you should stop putting them in as often as you had, but it just feels...off. I've noticed it in a number of your works, and maybe it's how you like your characters to talk and think, or maybe it's your writing style, but I feel that your work would benefit from leaving some of them out. (Again, just my opinion, I'm not precisely God of Literature over here, either.)
Also, and I know this is only the pilot chapter, but why in God's name would someone, anyone, want to be with someone if they know their partner is going to cheat? Your main protagonist keeps thinking 'I would get married if he wouldn't cheat' (which is way too quick to say and precisely zero people think that so soon in a relationship.) or 'It's nice that he makes me food before he will cheat eventually' and I feel the guy is set up to be knocked down as soon as the chapter began. Maybe you could take us back to a time where he cheated, as an example?
I'll keep reading, because while I have my reservations, the rest of this chapter was solid and interesting, your description was on-point and your writing style (without the swear words) was good.
October 23, 2014 | Danny Power Hallihan (Dormant)