Ghost of Days Gone By, a Romance story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Ghost of Days Gone By

By: Annabelle Loaxana

Status: Completed

Summary:

Anna didn't know what the future held for her when her Dad sent her to live with her Mom, Step-dad, and step-brother in Northanger Valley. She also didn't know how much of her future was dependent on her past.

When her new friends and even her own family are threatened because of her past, can she save them before it's too late?

Created: August 15, 2013 | Updated: September 4, 2013

Genre : Romance

Language : English

Reviews: 1 | Rating:

Comments: 11

Favorites: 0

Reads: 5327


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Reviews (1)


  • D.M. Gergen

    Overall a good story. Definitely some kinks to work out for the future, but still worth the read.

    Rating:
    August 23, 2013 Flag


Comments / Critiques


  • Reply

    This is very good. I'm going to wait until I finish it to review it, but after the first chapter I'm a little surprised that no one else has read this. I like the possibilities this story has...and the delicious looking ghost ;)

    August 22, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    Two things maybe worth looking into if you're planning on editing this story ever for future postings/publications; 1. Don't feel you need to always say who's saying what if two characters are going back and forth. I've noticed that a lot in chapter 2 and 3. 2. In the third chapter you have Anna telling Emma and Bethany about a storm...that happened in their own town? I might have missed it but wouldn't they know all about the storm and remember it if people's homes were destroyed? Maybe edit it so Anna is recalling the details of the storm for the readers benefit but then when talking just talks about Seth. Just a thought. Otherwise, still a very good story.

    August 22, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    Alright, in chapter 15 now so you have an idea of where I'm at for reference. The story is moving along nicely, but a few things bugged me. The first was that although Anna had no idea about her gift or that there were other gifts in the world she sometimes asks questions using terms never once mentioned before. Like being Shadow kissed. I could see maybe she got something from one of the books she read or maybe overheard her father saying something, but it would be good to take the time an add a sentence or two where she recalls knowing something about this. Otherwise make her completely ignorant. As a reader not knowing what powers are possible in the world you've created it would also benefit me to know more about them. One idea (take or leave it) would be to have Alexander give her a full run down on what the world is really like and what kind of powers he had seen. That way the readers will have an idea of what's going on when new things come up and it will make sense for Anna to have the knowledge as well. My next comment would be Mason. Mason, Mason, Mason. He sounds yummy in a potential love triangle role..which, sidebar, seems to be a little Alexander, Mason, Simon right now, so maybe a love square?..anyways he seemed a little unrealistic. Not in his power. I like the idea that he just knows things, but the way he acts. It might be that the part introducing him was sort of rushed in that there wasn't much detail added with their conversation that's making me feel this way...idk. What I do know is that him walking in, spouting off a whole bunch of stuff, and immediately trying to manipulate Anna with threats just didn't work. I think it could work since have unlimited access to information would be a very corrupting sort of power and I'm sure that he never has had to be sneaky about blackmailing people, but you need more information around this. Let Anna give us her thoughts. Maybe have her get some sort of warning from Alexander at some point before this about how some powers make people act horribly (i.e. Mason threatening to essentially embarrass Anna to get her to comply...before even asking nicely...). I think if there was a little more build up, a little more information, and some descriptions/details added between the conversations this wouldn't be an issue. Also, Anna at times seems very smart and intuitive with her comments yet can't even recognize that Alexander is probably a dead relative of Simon? I might be making a bad assumption with that since it hasn't been revealed, but it seems that's where you're going. I love strong, smart, female characters so it would be nice for her to connect the dots a little bit more or at least have suspicions about this crazy new world that has suddenly taken over what she thought she knew. This is also a nice way to get information to readers without spoon-feeding us explanations. A little speculation here, a few reflections there, and bam the readers suddenly know more about your universe and how things work so you're free to let the magic happen. Finally, I know I said this above, but I'll say it again since it's worth mentioning: Don't use speaking verbs after every single line of dialogue. I know you want to put in the body language their using so we can picture it, but sometimes it's unnecessary and slows down the pace of the story. Use it when you need the emphasis, but often the conversation is written well enough without all the sighs, nods, shrugs, rolling eyes, etc that I am already picturing it and the tone that goes along with the gesture. Be confident in your dialogue that you don't feel you have to bog it down with excessive he saids, she saids, she sighed, she commented intelligently, she expressed curiously, etc. If you want a good example to get an idea look up any classic novel and find a bit of conversation and really focus on how the author gets the emotions of the conversation through to the reader without writing it out in black and white. So that's it for now. Again, hopefully you'll find these comments helpful if you ever feel like trying to publish.

    August 23, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    Oh, and just one more thought on Mason. I didn't like how he gave away what he can do so readily. If he really does like to control people using what he knows against him it would be more realistic that he makes Anna think he could know EVERYTHING without limitations. Again, something that later another character or event could prove wrong...just a thought.

    August 23, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    Chapter 21 now. This comment might be irrelevant if later chapters show there's a reason for this, but there are sure an awfully lot of electric green eyes and emerald eyes, etc. If this is a trait amongst the gifted, awesome. I'm sure it will be explained later. If not, you might want to think about changing some of the coloring of the characters since green is not that common of an eye color and for the majority of characters to have it isn't very realistic. Another thing worth clarifying is this whole Armory place. The "club" made it seem like it was at the school...not sure where you grew up but my high school definitely didn't have a shooting range despite being in a very hunting oriented community. So a little clarification on if this is a school organization or not, how it's related to the government, and who the hell these hunters are (are they enemies of the American Government that is in control of this division of gifted human beings??). I just say that last bit to point out that if we are talking actual American/Federal government having control of a group of people/employing them I would assume anyone that "hunts" them would be an enemy to said government...thus an enemy to America. It opens a whole can of worms of are these hunters other gifted people from, say, Russia or China? Are they some sort of anarchy group or rebels hoping to injure the government? Or are they a group of people who somehow learned other people have special powers, hate those special people, and kill them like terrorist/racist groups do without knowing that secretly they are working for the government. And wouldn't the government then protect these gifted people who surely must be an asset, thus making groups of hunters a very unlikely thing to be hanging around a hub of gifted activity? That's at least what popped into my head when I read the last two chapters and its the sort of thing that would make me set this book down to be honest. I get that fantasy novels are, well, fantasy but there has to be a level of logic on what's happening especially when it comes to potential enemies. To me, if these people are so gifted, can tell the future, know all there is to know about someone, etc, AND they worked for the government, well the men and women in power would stand to gain an awful lot by keeping the gifted people alive and eliminating any group that wanted to see them dead. More explanation and detail is needed to make this seem plausible and thus add to the story.

    August 23, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    Another thing to clarify is Anna's memory. In the start of the story she is delightfully clueless of what her dad is doing almost right in front of her in terms of his job...despite being 15, which is a little insane considering they lived in haunted houses. Now though in chapter 22 she isn't remember things or is questioning her life? Ummm....why? There is no place in the story where she either starts doubting her memories/past or she losses her memories. Also, why hasn't she tried to contact her father more? OR ask her mother? Where the hell is her mother? And why isn't she around, like ever? Why doesn't she seem to care that her daughter whom it seems she only sees once a year is living with her again? Unless Anna means nothing to her and only her husband is important to her. Bad mother of the year award. Also, everyone seems pretty worried about Anna. They know who/what she is and are looking out for her and no one else finds this strange? Not even Seth, who by the story's admission has no powers, isn't curious as to why Mason, Simon, Emma, Bethany, etc are freaking out at points over a girl they met only a few days ago? Sorry if these comments are getting a little harsh. You have a great idea here, but it needs to be smoothed out a bit. I really like this story and would love to see it flawless.

    August 23, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    In chapter 25. What's the timeline here? Because from what I got it's been a month? Maybe a little bit more? These are some intense friendships that have been built in that time to be throwing the L word around like that. Perhaps my perspective on this is biased from where I grew up, but I don't even say I love you to my best friend of 25 + years. This might make a little more sense if you actually gave readers more information on these hunters and what they could do/who they are. As of now they are three people with guns. Scary, yes, but just three people against a dozen? Maybe more? Plus this government they are supposedly working for? That's a whole lot of fear for three people. And a whole lot of "Let's make sure everyone knows that I love them because today might be my last" sort of exchanges. Again, add some detail, description, and background to help make this make sense.

    August 23, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    Where are Emma's parents? Why haven't the doctors contacted them especially since I can imagine that a 15 year old girl doesn't have her own insurance? HIPPA only goes so far when a minor is involved in some sort of attack...where are the police? Even if Emma lied and said that she fell or something to break her leg I'm not convinced that she's that good at lying and any medical personnel would be forced to report to the county at the very least some sort of suspected abuse as a mandated reporter (since lying about being beaten is a trademark of abuse...whereas lying about being beaten by a stranger would be, well, odd in real life). So again, no parents, no police, no adults...Where are Mason's parents for that matter? Why is he in charge of everything even if he's the highest rank? He is still a child. Details, my friend. More details to make this more plausible.

    August 23, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    Thank you for your feedback! You've pointed out many things and I can see where your coming from with a lot of them. I hope to use your advice to improve in my writing. Thank you, again!

    August 23, 2013 | Annabelle Loaxana


  • Reply

    Not a problem. Like I said, I really am enjoying reading this, but there are just some glitches that come with the first few drafts. Once you see where there are some inconstancies you can fix them for future postings/publication. On that note, I think you can do the whole Anna memory thing a lot earlier on. Like my one comment above where she seemed to just know things. If you have her question how she even knew to ask that it sets the stage for what's going on at the end. I would also watch this whole loss of powers talk. You keep mentioning it in the late 20's for chapters despite everyone around her knowing she saw at least one ghost and is having these dreams. Maybe she's not in her full power, but that doesn't seem very "normal human" to me. Almost finished now with the story, so I'll give you a final review and rate it once I'm done. Hopefully you'll get more reads of this since it is a captivating storyline.

    August 23, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Ooh... interesting. Seth seems nice, I guess. It's better than having a nasty, older stepbrother, which is what most people would write. Anyway, great chapter!

    July 8, 2014 | Kelly Royer