Another World, a Fantasy story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Another World

By: Lily-Rose Barnes

Status: In Progress

Summary:

Bronwyn has been transported to another world, how? She has no idea, but her companion Oz is still with her. She meets new and exotic people, but has a dark secret that she carries as a heavy burden. Will her life be better here? She'll have to wait it out and see.

Created: August 13, 2013 | Updated: September 3, 2013

Genre : Fantasy

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 2

Favorites: 1

Reads: 984


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    Comments / Critiques


    • Reply

      I like your main character, she has some sass to her. You also did well giving us some nice details while keeping the story moving. But after reading the first chapter a few things popped out to me as needing a little more attention. The first is that massive opening paragraph. It could definitely be split into two, maybe even three separate paragraphs. Next, I'm a stickler for being anatomically correct when it comes to wounds, fighting, and anything regarding the human body. So in the little flashback to where she's fighting and getting jabbed in the kidneys he would have to be hitting her in the back since they are a retroperitoneal organ. Maybe that is what he was doing, but from how I pictured it they were facing each other, she struck, he returned with a jab, and then blocked her next punch. I would change kidneys to stomach. Sorry if that seems overly picky but again being anatomically correct is a pet peeve of mine. Also watch using a period to end your speaking bits when they are followed up with a "I said, she whispered, he barked, etc. Use a comma in those instances. Finally, I would put another space between your paragraphs so it's a little easier to read. Otherwise, the first chapter was an entertaining read.

      August 27, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


    • Reply

      Thank you for that! I haven't actually studied an English literature for nearly three years now, I am slightly out of practise, I am also terrible with human anatomy I am much more familiar with animal anatomy! I'll sort everything out, thank you :)

      August 29, 2013 | Lily-Rose Barnes